Remember when you were a college kid and on Friday nights you would stay up ALL NIGHT partying? Well, that was totally Maddie last Friday. She was all about rocking it like a college kid.

It all started around four in the afternoon when Maddie lugged a keg through our front door and screamed, “WE GONNA PAR-TAY TONIGHT, BITCHES!!!!”

Just kidding. She wasn’t THAT much of a college kid. She was, however, in a mood to stay up. Unfortunately for Maddie, her prematurely geriatric old man was ready to hit the hay at a time more befitting of a retirement home than a college campus.

Around ten I fed Maddie, administered her breathing treatments, and laid her down in her crib. As I tried to sneak out of her room, however, she turned into a drunk frat boy and bellowed, “DUDE! YOU CAN’T LEAVE YET! THE PARTY JUST STARTED!!!” She, of course, expressed this in the language of a baby, so it sounded more like: “WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” I picked her up and took her back out to the main room.

Maddie was happy as a clam…giggling and smiling. If she actually was a frat boy she’d have been pouring me another beer and slapping me on the back.

We soon settled onto the couch where I tried to rock her to sleep without rocking myself to sleep. Within minutes I nodded off. Half an hour later I awoke with a start, then looked down totally expecting to see a sleeping baby in my arms. Instead I saw this:







I rubbed my eyes as Maddie giggled and said, “Who’s on Letterman?”

Another sixty minutes passed. Letterman threw a couple pencils, Paul Schaffer jammed out on the piano, and I was incredibly tired. “Okay,” I said to myself. “I’ll definitely be able to put her down now.” I smiled and looked down. Guess what I saw?


Screw it, I thought. I’m putting this kid down no matter happy and wide awake she may be.

Within minutes I was in bed and snoring away, but it wasn’t to be for very long. Soon the frat boy was yelling for me to re-join the party. I swung my legs out of bed and stomped into Maddie’s room. She immediately stopped crying and looked at me as if to say, “Dude! We are totally missing Conan!”

So back to the living room we went. I flipped on the TV and tried again to rock her to sleep. Ninety minutes later Conan signed off and I looked down at Maddie. Yep, you guessed it:


I was now in hell. I was like the sober guy at the kegger where everyone was wasted.


Then it occurred to me…maybe I could get the little frat boy in Maddie to pass out the same way real frat boys pass out…by having one more bottle!

I hurried into the kitchen, got a bottle from the fridge, then returned to the couch where I peer pressured her into drinking it by chanting, “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” Maddie, not wanting to look like a wuss, drank the whole thing. Sure enough my little rager soon turned into this:

Finally she sleeps>

I sighed, relieved, and slowly carried Maddie into her room. After setting her down in her crib I gave her a kiss and whispered, “Don’t worry, little one. I may not have been in the mood to party tonight, but you and I are going to live it up plenty. I promise.”