The things you look forward to in life before you have kids are very different than the ones you look forward to after you reproduce. Before you’re a Dad or Mom your future schedule is full of incredibly exciting things – a weekend at a music festival like Coachella, a relaxing stay at a resort in Hawaii, even a trip to the mall where you spend a crap load of money on no one but your own wonderful self.
After you have kids, however, the things you look forward to become much, much smaller. For example, you may look forward to simply going outside, driving your car alone so that you can play your radio above the incredibly quiet levels that are deemed acceptable for a baby, or even taking a freakin’ shower as quickly as a marine once your spouse comes home from work. Suffice to say those dreams are nowhere near as exciting as the ones held by the childless, but hey, they are all we have as parents.
With all of that said my biggest dream of late has been to eat one of those new Southern Fried Chicken Sandwiches that McDonald’s is currently offering. Their commercials promoting this sandwich with its succulent bun, trio of pickles, and yummy secret sauce, have haunted me while feeding Maddie in the morning, afternoon, evening, and, of course, middle of the night. Put simply, I have wanted to eat one of those sammiches for some time now.
My chance came last Sunday. We were driving out to Heather’s parents’ house for lunch when, on the way, I made it known I was going to stop for one of those goddamn sandwiches no matter what anyone thought. This didn’t go over all so well with Heather as we were already late for lunch with her parents, but you know what? I was getting this freakin’ sammmich no matter what! So Heather had to deal with it.
Once I pulled up to the window I cooed, “The Southern Chicken Sandwich Meal please.” and then, “Oh…yeah!” Heather rolled her eyes and reminded me that her mother had spent the whole morning cooking. We had the following discourse:
Me: “I don’t care! Have you been haunted by this freaking sammich day and night?”
Heather: “No, I haven’t because A) I never get to watch TV anymore, and I think McDonald’s food tastes like poo.”
I grimaced and screamed, “Yeah, well, I want to eat this poo! I want to eat McDonald’s poo!”
I then realized that I was at the window where the woman behind the counter was staring at me with horror. I paid her, incredibly embarrassed, and proceeded to the main window where I was given my bag of poo.
Before I pulled away Heather said, “Check to make sure that it’s all there,” so I barked, “What am I, a moron?” I then opened the bag and saw a soda, bag of fries, and a box marked: “Southern Chicken Sandwich!” I drove away with a big smile on my face.
After I pulled onto the 405 freeway, I snatched the sandwich box out and sang a song of triumph. A clearly annoyed Heather said, “I hope getting this sammich was worth being late for my parents’ lunch. I really hope it was!” I replied, “Yeah, hon, it most certainly…” I then saw, after opening the box, that inside, for whatever reason, was simply a Southern Chicken patty. No bun, pickles, no sauce. Just a stupid, low quality patty of chicken. I stared at it, horrified, fighting tears.
Heather, clearly feeling bad for me, suddenly became the most loving wife ever.
Heather: “Oh, honey, do you want to go back? Can I give you a massage? Want to see Maddie giggle?”
I glared at her as she conspired to make my sleepy baby giggle, then told her to leave me alone as I ate my chicken patty and fought back retching.
Yep. Your dreams sure change once you have kids.