The things you look forward to in life before you have kids are very different than the ones you look forward to after you reproduce. Before you’re a Dad or Mom your future schedule is full of incredibly exciting things – a weekend at a music festival like Coachella, a relaxing stay at a resort in Hawaii, even a trip to the mall where you spend a crap load of money on no one but your own wonderful self.
After you have kids, however, the things you look forward to become much, much smaller. For example, you may look forward to simply going outside, driving your car alone so that you can play your radio above the incredibly quiet levels that are deemed acceptable for a baby, or even taking a freakin’ shower as quickly as a marine once your spouse comes home from work. Suffice to say those dreams are nowhere near as exciting as the ones held by the childless, but hey, they are all we have as parents.
With all of that said my biggest dream of late has been to eat one of those new Southern Fried Chicken Sandwiches that McDonald’s is currently offering. Their commercials promoting this sandwich with its succulent bun, trio of pickles, and yummy secret sauce, have haunted me while feeding Maddie in the morning, afternoon, evening, and, of course, middle of the night. Put simply, I have wanted to eat one of those sammiches for some time now.
My chance came last Sunday. We were driving out to Heather’s parents’ house for lunch when, on the way, I made it known I was going to stop for one of those goddamn sandwiches no matter what anyone thought. This didn’t go over all so well with Heather as we were already late for lunch with her parents, but you know what? I was getting this freakin’ sammmich no matter what! So Heather had to deal with it.
Once I pulled up to the window I cooed, “The Southern Chicken Sandwich Meal please.” and then, “Oh…yeah!” Heather rolled her eyes and reminded me that her mother had spent the whole morning cooking. We had the following discourse:
Me: “I don’t care! Have you been haunted by this freaking sammich day and night?”
Heather: “No, I haven’t because A) I never get to watch TV anymore, and I think McDonald’s food tastes like poo.”
I grimaced and screamed, “Yeah, well, I want to eat this poo! I want to eat McDonald’s poo!”
I then realized that I was at the window where the woman behind the counter was staring at me with horror. I paid her, incredibly embarrassed, and proceeded to the main window where I was given my bag of poo.
Before I pulled away Heather said, “Check to make sure that it’s all there,” so I barked, “What am I, a moron?” I then opened the bag and saw a soda, bag of fries, and a box marked: “Southern Chicken Sandwich!” I drove away with a big smile on my face.
After I pulled onto the 405 freeway, I snatched the sandwich box out and sang a song of triumph. A clearly annoyed Heather said, “I hope getting this sammich was worth being late for my parents’ lunch. I really hope it was!” I replied, “Yeah, hon, it most certainly…” I then saw, after opening the box, that inside, for whatever reason, was simply a Southern Chicken patty. No bun, pickles, no sauce. Just a stupid, low quality patty of chicken. I stared at it, horrified, fighting tears.
Heather, clearly feeling bad for me, suddenly became the most loving wife ever.
Heather: “Oh, honey, do you want to go back? Can I give you a massage? Want to see Maddie giggle?”
I glared at her as she conspired to make my sleepy baby giggle, then told her to leave me alone as I ate my chicken patty and fought back retching.
Yep. Your dreams sure change once you have kids.
Here from your wife’s blog.
There’s nothing worse than getting something you’ve really wanted, only to find out it isn’t what you thought it would be. Better luck next time.
At least your wife was consoling…I would have been laughing, telling my husband the food gods were torturing him.
Black Hockey Jesus says:
I dream of drinking a whole Diet Coke without 3 people getting all suddenly parched & needing a sip of my Diet Coke.
Your wife pimped you out, so here I am.
But this is really very funny! I’ll be back all on my own next time!!
Good luck with one day getting your poo sammich!!
Sorry about the lack of bun (that sounds funny doesnt it?)- that totally sucks. But yes- your priorities change once the kids are born. All I want is a nice long bath, but alas- all my time is baby time. Maybe when their in college.
BTW- Heather Rocks!
moosh in indy. says:
I have a coupon for a free one of those sandwiches. And a breakfast one too.
Maybe I’ll be darn glad they’re free. But yes, I dream of the day I get to use those coupons.
Oh my dear Mike. You have the ‘curse of the Daddy’ upon you. I swear, my whole life the only order that’s ever been wrong when we’ve gone out to eat as a family has been my Dad’s….
…you’re now going to have Chicken Sammiches coming at your from all corners of the earth.
Here’s a secret for you to look forward to: when Maddie gets older, you can buy her McDonald’s for lunch everyday which she will not eat so you will have to eat it by default. Score! I can’t tell you how many salty, yummy cheeseburgers I have consumed because Elby got distracted by a magic marker.
Most disappointing sammich ever…even with the bun and pickles!
I had to read this one out to my husband. He’s on Heather’s side: McDonald’s = poo. I’m a little more open-minded. Anyway, we had a great laugh at your expense.
P.S. Our pre-child dreams can still come true, we’ll just be really, really, really old… *sob*