I’ve been known to put my foot in my mouth from time to time (I’ll spare you the links), and I definitely did that today. Heather was so unsettled by what I said, in fact, that she threatened to burn down our house and move us all into a hotel room.
The trouble began yesterday afternoon when our pest control guy showed up to spray the perimeter of our home. We’d been having a bit of a problem with spiders outside, so we wanted to take care of it since we live with a little person and a little dog. Anyway, I chatted with the guy a bit before he got started, then let him do his thing. A half an hour later he was gone and I forgot all about it.
A few hours later, though, I was playing with Annie when Heather suddenly screamed as if she were doing an impression of Janet Leigh in “Psycho.” I ran into our office and found Heather – a known arachnophobe – wide eyed and pointing a shaky finger at a gigantic spider on the wall. Now I normally like to think I’m a big, tough man who has no problem killing spiders, but this time I didn’t feel so brave. The spider was HUGE!
“Can you kill it?” Heather asked. “Or do we need to get the vacuum?”
“I think it might be too big to fit in the vacuum.”
“Joke. Just a joke.”
Heather frowned, unamused, and if I had any sense I would have taken that as a sign not to talk about the spider anymore. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that smart. I killed the spider, cleaned up the crime scene, and started out of the room. It was only when I was in the doorway, about to leave, that I decided to spin back and say one more thing.
“It’s funny. The pest control dude actually said that might happen.”
Heather glared at me, deadly serious. “Said what might happen?!”
“That we might see more spiders around for a couple days. They tend to want to get as far away from the spray as possible, you see, so the spiders –”
“MOVE INTO OUR HOME?!”
“Uh….” That was when it dawned on me I should have kept my mouth shut. “He didn’t say in our home, specifically, just… around.”
“‘AROUND?’ WHAT DOES ‘AROUND’ MEAN? ‘AROUND’ MY HEAD?”
There was no getting this genie back in the bottle.
“WE HAVE TO MOVE! YOU CANNOT TELL A PREGNANT WOMAN GIANT SPIDERS MIGHT BE MOVING INTO HER HOME!
“AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!! WHAT’S THAT ON THE TABLE? ANOTHER SPIDER?!”
“It’s a pencil, honey.”
“KILL IT!!! KILL IT NOW!!!!”
It took a good half an hour to talk Heather down after that. She seriously wanted to move, and it was only when I explained that burning down the house was impractical that she agreed to stay. Eventually, when she’d calmed down a bit, she said, “Why would you even tell me that?”
I wish I knew, Heather. I wish I knew.