When I was a kid I was perfectly happy to play by myself. I wasn’t a kid who needed friends, but it’s quickly becoming clear that Annie is. Annie longs for friends, but as the only child at home (for now), she spends most of her time with adults. This means that when Annie is around other kids she’s desperate to make them her friends, and it hurts her Daddy’s heart to watch her put herself on the line like that.
Last weekend we were in Laguna Niguel and Annie and I had a great time at the beach making sand castles and running away from the approaching tide. Soon, however, Annie found the sand and waves a lot less interesting than the kids around us. She focused on a little girl who was a couple of years older than her.
“Dada,” she said. “Can I go over to that girl and say, ‘Hi, I’m Annabel. What’s your name?’”
Since I had no idea if this older girl would be nice, I wanted to tell Annie to stay with me, but I knew that wouldn’t be right. So I swallowed hard and said, “If you want to, Sweetie.”
Annie walked over to the girl and I felt my heart leap into my throat. I was reminded of what it felt like back in my school days when I dared to cross the cafeteria (sweaty palms and all) to talk to a girl I liked.
“Hi, I’m Annabel,” Annie said upon reaching the girl. “What’s your name?”
The girl looked over, surprised, and said her name.
Annie lit up, then launched into a long monologue that couldn’t be heard over the crashing off the waves.
“You have to speak up, Sweetie,” I said, but after a few seconds the girl tired of trying to hear and sprinted off toward the water.
“She ran away,” Annie said, more confused than sad.
“I think her feet hurt and she needed to get them wet,” I said.
Later, the girl sat on the sand making castles, and Annie plopped down next to her.
“Do your feet feel better?” Annie asked.
(Face palm.)
The girl furrowed her brow, then played with Annie for a couple of minutes before running off again.
Annie and her “friend”
The next day we went to the pool where Annie, in her water wings, spotted a little girl who was also wearing water wings.
“Dada, can I go over to that girl and say, ‘Hi, I’m Annabel. What’s your name?’”
Again I resisted the urge to tell Annie “No” and nodded. She floated over to the girl and introduced herself, but the girl didn’t respond. Annie wasn’t going to give up so easily, though.
“I like your water wings,” she said. “They’re blue; mine are red.”
More silence from the kid who struck me as the shy type.
“Do you like knock-knock jokes?” Annie persisted.
Still no response. Annie frowned at me.
“She doesn’t talk.”
Luckily for Annie (and her Dad’s delicate heart), she later met the daughters of a friend of ours, and the three hit it off like gangbusters.
“Do you like knock-knock jokes?” Annie asked.
“Yes!” the sisters responded. The trio then proceeded to trade jokes, giggle, and dance around.
Playing with her friends
I’d be perfectly happy if Annie only wanted to hang out with her family members (who’d never reject her), but I know that kids need to branch out. Still, it’s hard to watch, especially since when I was little I never would have dared to go up to unfamiliar kids the way she does. Annie definitely is brave and outgoing like her mom, though, and that will serve her well in life. And she won’t have to pine for friends much longer – preschool starts just around the corner.
Becca Masters says:
Oh my gosh. Those two little girls didn’t want to be friends with Annie?!
Sometimes kids can be insensitive which leads to hurt feelings. Reading this broke my heart!
When I was a kid I was very much like Annie, living on Grand Cayman we’d often spend the day at some of the islands resorts and swim all day long and I was forever trying to make friends, I don’t ever recall another child not wanting to be my friend. Maybe they did and I just don’t remember it? Anyway, rambling! My point is, perhaps when Annie is older she won’t remember these instances an instead will just be incredibly happy with her friends she does make.
Annalisa says:
Hmmm… I wouldn’t assume they didn’t want to be friends. They might have been painfully shy. As a kid, I was always surprised when other kids showed interest in me if I was in some place new. It compounded my confusion at being somewhere new or novel.
I see the same behavior in my daughter nowadays, so I try to thwart her confusion by interjecting with my “oh, Giada, look that kid is saying ‘hi!’. Hi!!!” To encourage her to talk to other kids in new surroundings. If/when I’m not there, I’m pretty sure my daughter would freeze on the spot, not because she wouldn’t want to be friends, but because she’d be like “Huh, I don’t know, I’m new here…”.
OTOH, apparently this never happens at daycare, because my daughter is fairly familiar with it and understands that it’s a place with “fwends”, as she puts it. We’ve been told again and again she’s usually doing a “mother hen” routine with new kids, because she looks at them as “a friend I haven’t met yet”. Somehow that doesn’t apply to places/settings she’s unfamiliar with.
Alison says:
I agree that it was probably shyness or surprise that stopped the girls talking to Annie.
The fact that you don’t remember that any child did not want to be your friend shows that this is a normal part of growing up and not something that Annie will remember when she gets older.
Steph says:
I agree. Children are quite resilient and although, like Mike, my heart was hurt tons when other little girls weren’t friendly (or were actually unfriendly as she got older) kids seem to take it in stride.
MM says:
Awww, poor Annabel. Try not to think of it as rejection, though. My daughter would have responded the same way (by not responding), because she’s autistic. Her spontaneous speech just isn’t there. Not true of all kids, but something to keep in mind. Keep trying, Annie!
Jen says:
Annalisa, I completely agree. My now 13 year old daughter is painfully shy, and as I was reading this, I was viewing it as the mom of the child who was approached. When kids used to approach my oldest daughter at the playground, she’d do exactly what these kids did. She’d smile, hang around for a few minutes, and then leave as soon as she could, because it was uncomfortable for her. Not rude or mean to the other children at all, but difficult for her.
My 2nd daughter is the polar opposite. She’d make friends with a wall if she could, and she used to be her sister’s voice in a way. She’d go up to kids on the playground, introduce herself, introduce her sister, and play with whoever she could find.
As the parent of the shy child and the complete chatterbox, I find it more difficult to watch the shy child be approached than the chatty one approach someone and be ignored. At least in my case, the chatty one will move on until she finds someone to talk and play with
peggy says:
I totally agree with Jen and Annalisa. I have a middle daughter who is 9 now, and she would still react that way. She is not rude or mean or a snob, simply shy. I recently had a mother of one of her classmates tell me that my daughter is mean and a snob because she did not acknowledge her and her daughter at a school event. Her daughter is the type that bosses everyone around and has not a shy bone in her body. My heart broke for my little one, as I know it is not rudeness that makes her clam up, it is shyness. I was angry that the mother excuses what could really come across as brattiness in her daughter as “quirkiness” while telling me my daughter is a snob. Sigh.
Katherine Smith says:
This is so timely as I just went through this heartbreak with my own daughter, who is 7 and an only child. Like Annie she so desperately wants friends and will approach almost any kid she sees trying to make this connection. Last night she was walking around the yard yelling “do any kids out there want to play with me?” to no avail. A short time later I saw some older kids coming down the street on scooters and she ran to ask them to play. She then excitedly ran to me saying “mama these kids are gonna be my friends and ride scooters with me can you get my scooter?”. Well….by the time I got it she was sitting on the steps crying and said the kids “changed their minds and ran away”. I told her it was getting dark and their mom probably called them in, but inside my heart was breaking.
TamaraL says:
I agree, the kids may have been shy…autism also crossed my mind. My youngest daughter was always painfully shy as a little girl…and I have had two daycare children with autism, one who did talk, but was delayed. Even if Annie gets rejected, it’s okay – she is so resilient! And it is teaching her about all the different types of people in the world…not all of whom will want to be friends. I don’t think Annie will have any problems making tons of friends in her life!!
Jess says:
This is so cute and so sad at the same time. And I only mean sad because the other girls didn’t really talk to Annie. She’s a sweetheart
Tina says:
Mike,
I go through the exact same thing with my four year old son. He does have a two year old sister to play with so that helps but he wants friends SO badly. He also will start preschool this fall but I kind of wish I could be there to shield him from possible rejection from other kids. He’ll be fine of course but it’s hard to let them out their feelings on the line like that.
Amy says:
My only child starts Kindergarten in July and I am terrified for her. What if someone is mean to her, what if someone ignores her, what if, what if, what if. I drive myself crazy with the what-if’s and I’ve realized I’ve put MY school days angst on her. Like you said, kids have to branch out on their own and we can’t keep them in a bubble (although I wish I could!). Good luck! Annie is going to do great!
Jolene says:
*sigh* I have my daughter going to Kindergarten in the Fall and I AM TERRIFIED! I know that it is completely irrational but How DO I KEEP HER FROM GETTING HER FEELINGS HURT? Kids are mean! I want to knock down every kid that ignores her on the play ground. These are the things that keep me up at night. I wish that the parents of the painfully shy kids could maybe step in and help out so that both kids feel comfortable? yes?
Mommy says:
I have two little ones- one who is like Annie and will run up to anyone and say hi and become instant bff’s with them, and one who is my shy guy, and will bury his face in my shoulder if anyone new says hello. It is so hard to watch our kiddos get upset, or feel uncomfortable or feel rejected but the good news is that they don’t remember it or get nearly as upset as we do. The other day at the park, my older son ran up to some teenagers who could not be bothered with a friendly 4 year old and told them all about how he was Buzz Lightyear. They rolled their eyes and walked away. My son looked sas for a few minutes before running off to play with other kids. And while my feelings were hurt for him, later when he was telling his daddy all about his day, he recounted how he made friends with the big kids with skateboards- in his mind I guess it had gone differently, and I was happy to hear that he wasn’t even aware that they were giving him the cold shoulder.
It’s hard not to be able to protect our little ones forever and prevent even the slightest of hurt feelings. But they are more resielent than we think!
Annie is adorable and lovely. Any kiddo would be lucky to have a friend like her!!
JustAMom says:
I watch your videos of Annie and sometimes my heart just leaps because she reminds me SO MUCH of my now 7 year old daughter – Annie is like her mini-me. And like Annie – my girl from a very young age wanted to be everyone’s friend – child and adult – and wasn’t shy about it (SO unlike her mother!!) It amazes me still how we can be so different. I used to worry about the same things (I still do) and so far, it hasn’t been a problem at all. If someone ignores her, she assumes it’s THEIR problem, and either just runs back to me or goes and looks for someone else to play with. Unlike Annie, my daughter was bald until she was almost three, so when she FINALLY had enough hair to pull into tiny pigtails, she was SO proud of them. I pushed her through the grocery store and the minute she made eye contact would shout “HEY! I got piggies!” and point to her head. Some people gave her the appropriate reaction and ooohed and ahhhed over them – but some just stared at her blankly and walked away. BROKE MY HEART for her – but she didn’t care!!! That was a huge lesson for me because I wanted to run those people down with my cart, but her attitude was screw’em – someone else will think my piggies are cool! I realized I was projecting MY own feelings and fears onto her – and I had to stop. So long story short – my kid is still the friendliest kid on the block, she literally says hi to EVERYONE and “rejection” doesn’t phase her in the least. If you girl is anything like mine, she’s going to be just fine.
sister sister says:
It really can be tough to see your little one reaching out to make friends and face possible rejection. Great job at stepping back and letting Annie spread her wings.
KS says:
I think its so great that your so in tune with your bride, you publically acknowledge her strengths and capacities and all around awesomeness especially when she’s had a really rough go. That’s the ultimate compliment to her! Your both so very lucky you seem to be such wonderful people, and I wish and hope only the best for your lovely family!
KS says:
*you’re
Jewl says:
I hate to say this, but give it a few years and you will be crying inside for her, sometimes even crying on the outside. Girls are MEAN. Our daughter is 10 and her “friends” are friends one day and terrible to her the next. Its a tough road for sure, and as a parent it rips your heart out. Sorry, just our experience here. Just praying she learns valuable lessons about true friends and comes out of it on top of the world. Ugh, the teenage years….Take care.
Jacque says:
This is something that hits close to home with me.
My (now 11 yr old) daughter always seemed so desperate to be “friends” with every single person she met. The McDonald’s play land, the neighborhood pool, every kid at the beach, in the line at Target. She approached everyone very sweetly but tended to come on a little strong. I was always crushed for her when some kid would give her a look like she was crazy when she would ask if they would like to play. I would have to field the questions, “how come they don’t like me? How come they don’t want to play with me?” My first thoughts were, “what is wrong with these kids??” And of course my judgement of their parents was strong.
But, I did finally learn – and came to fully appreciate – that people are truly different in their approach to other people. What works for some, doesn’t for others. And kids, being kids, don’t always have the tact in their responses like (most) adults to.
But even more so, I have spent the past many years trying to explain to my daughter that not everyone one will be your friend. And that’s ok. When I was a kid, my classmates were my classmates. I had friends in my classes, but it was just a few, not the whole class.
Today, the terminology that is commonly overused – on tv, in school, Sunday school – is that we are all “friends.” “Good morning, friends.” “We all need to be good friends to each other.”
Actually, what we need is to be good people to each other. We can’t always be friends with everyone. Personalities and interests clash. That’s life; that’s humans. When you change the definition of friend, making it a command and not a choice, the pressure is intense to have everyone be a “friend.”
Mind you, it still drives me crazy when kids give my kids the stink eye or ignore her for just wanting to say hello, but now she understands just how special her true friends are and that those are the most important relationships to grow and maintain.
Alissa says:
Ugh, one time when my son was 2 (he is 3.5 now) he plopped down beside a group of kids at the playground. This was very unlike my son as he tends towards shyness, but he was interested in what they were doing. One of the boys threw wood chips in his face. I almost beat a little kid that day.
Jolene says:
AMEN MOMMA! AMEN!
Alexis says:
This was such an interesting post for me. I have four girls 2, 5, 6, and 8. Kids always come up to my girls to introduce themselves. I think other kids think we are a big party :). My girls are very shy and will say hi and be polite but are hesitant to completely engage with strangers. I think others may think we are rude but I’m not sure that I should push my kids to be anything but gracious. If they don’t feel comfortable playing, I’m good with that.
Annie is adorable and I have no doubt she will make great friends. She has great parents.
kristin says:
I know exactly what you mean. My school age daughter can make friends by blinking, but my toddler son who is very outgoing and charismatic wants to be everyone’s friend but doesn’t have the opportunity because he stays at home except for two days of PDO. It breaks my heart to see him chase a kid around yelling “friend friend, come here friend”. But I know he’ll be fine and I need to suck it up and let the kids be kids.
Christina says:
You did a great job. It’s best for her to experience these things while you’re there to watch and give her feedback rather than when she’s at school with a teacher who can’t support the kids through every encounter. And I have to say, there is something so sweet about her approach and her interest. I bet she’s going to do really well in school.
Brandy says:
It’s really hard to let our kids learn and grow sometimes, especially when we know how tough some life lessons can be. When my daughter was about Annie’s age we had an experience at a park where two little girls who were 2 – 3 years older threw pebbles in her face to make her go away when she tried to be friends with them. I. Lost. It. Completely. Fortunately, I kept my hands to myself but I verbally skewered the little girls and probably scared them half to death (which I am ashamed of, but it happened). I was also prepared to have a more calm conversation with the parents, but none ever emerged. After that I’m even more reluctant than ever to just let her go up and talk to other kids (she’s 5 1/2 now), but I must say when she’s running, playing and laughing with newfound friends I’m always glad I let her to do it her way.
Victoria says:
This is a great time to look into preschools for fall or Parks and Rec summer daycamp programs! I’m sure there are some great ones in your area. Even a 2 day per week program will help fulfill her needs to interact with other kids and give Heather some 1:1 time with the new baby.
Anna says:
You should also keep in mind that Annie’s verbal abilities are pretty advanced for her age, so other kids might not be able to express their thoughts in the way she does or even fully process what she’s saying. She is such a cutie, and I love that she wants to make new friends and tell them knock-knock jokes!
Auntie_M says:
I love that Annie sees a friend in everyone–I have both a nephew and a niece who are the same way…I love it, because I was incredibly shy! However, I don’t worry about rejection so much as them being friendly to the wrong [adult] person. But so far their friendliness only extends to children at the park, beach, etc.
And if the child of their choosing isn’t as friendly as them, I simply tell them they are probably shy. (And I also look to see if the child may be hard of hearing, have special needs, or speak another language, etc.–any of which could also explain why they “rejected” their friendly advances, and could be explained to my niece or nephew.)
But there are worse things than being rejected–my nephew fell for a little red-headed girl at McDonald’s around 18 months ago. He is still mad that I didn’t follow them in my car when they left (aka STALKED them!!!) to find out where she lived!!!! He is still in love with this girl (whose name he didn’t find out!!! Ugh!!!) and looks for her wherever we go. http://musingsfromauntiem.blogspot.com/2012/04/angst.html
Heather B. says:
But can we discuss how Dottie kept offering her goldfish crackers and then Annie and Nora Lea held hands and then they attempted to beat each other with horses. So, that was fun. Seriously. Those three were so cute together that I wanted them all to come home with me. So, never mind the shy girls, seeing all of those blog kids in the pool and playing together made me melt.