Olympic fever has swept the Spohr household, and we’ve spent far too many hours watching incredibly fit people exercise while we sit on our butts. We’ve watched so much Olympics, in fact, that I think Maddie is a tad confused about what she is seeing on the screen. If she could talk I fear we’d totally have this conversation:
I raise a “just one moment” finger as I cram a handful of corn chips into my mouth. After a long beat of loud chewing…
ME: “Yes, Chicken Muffin Love Bear?”
MADDIE: “Are those people on the TV human?”
ME: “What do you mean?”
MADDIE: “Well, I know I’m new to this world and all, but in my experience humans don’t move that much. They just sit on couches typing on their computer and snacking.”
I briefly choke on my corn chips, then…
Me: “No, sweetie. They’re not human. They’re, uh, robots. That’s right. Incredibly advanced robots from the future. Now let Daddy finish his corn chips and watch the robots.”
One of our favorite robots is beach volleyball player Kerri Walsh. Heather likes her because Heather thinks beach volleyball is cool, and I like her because despite being a whopping 6’3, she still is incredibly attractive. Not to sound like a jerk, but women of her size normally look more like linebackers than prom queens. Heather is amused by my little crush on Kerri Walsh, and playfully says “Hey, it’s your girlfriend” whenever she comes on the TV.
Anyhoo…at one point NBC did a little background on Kerri (I call her by her first name….we’re totally tight like that) and they mentioned that she is thirty and grew up in the small town of Saratoga, California. This got my attention because, up until I was ten, I lived in Saratoga, California! It occured to me that, since I was only two years older than Kerri, there was a good chance we went to school together because Saratoga only has one public grade school.
Heather suggested I call my parents and ask if they could look in my grade school yearbook and see if there was a Kerri Walsh in either kindergarten or the first grade. Sounds simple, right? Well, if you are a regular reader of this blog you know that nothing is simple when it comes to my parents/Mom.
After enough goading from Heather I finally called my parents and found myself talking to my Mom who said she would look and call me back. I looked to Heather, amazed. “Wow,” I said in the long tradition of famous last words. “That was easy!”
About half an hour later my Mom called and said she couldn’t check because the yearbook “was on the top shelf.” Before I could ask her why it was suddenly impossible to get a book down off a shelf, we had the following conversation:
Mom: “But we don’t need to look it up, dear. She did go to school with you!”
Me: “And you know that how?”
Mom: “Because I remember her!”
Me: “No, you don’t.”
Mom: “Yes, I do.”
Me: “This would have been twenty-two years, Mom, and she wasn’t even in my class.”
Mom: “Honey, I remember. Karen -”
Me: “Kerri, Mom. Kerri.”
Mom: “She was an adorable little thing. Just tiny!”
I look to the TV. Gymnastics is on. I sigh a long, long sigh, then…
Me: “She’s not a gymnast, Mom. She is a volleyball player. And she’s not tiny. She’s actually 6’3.”
Mom: “Right. Tiny, but with the potential to be huge! Just like her parents.”
Me: “You remember her parents now too?”
Mom: “Of course! The Walshes! I used to go to their house all the time! For PTA events!”
NOTE: My mother was never in the PTA.
Me: “Why can’t you just admit you don’t remember her and have Dad get down the freakin’ yearbook?”
Mom: “You think I’m making this up?”
Silence on the line.
Mom: “What are you saying? That I’m crazy?”
More silence on the line.
I get up to go to the kitchen because I realize I forgot to put our left overs in the fridge. As I place them in the fridge I take a bite of food.
Mom: “Still eating, hmm?”
Me: “It was just one bite of some leftovers I forgot to put away.”
Mom: “That’s why you’re fat. It’s after nine.”
Me: “And you would know about being fat, wouldn’t you, Mom?”
Mom: “That’s right! I do! I sure do!”
Me: “Okay, Mom. Is Dad gonna get the yearbook down or what?”
Mom: “This is ridiculous! I told you she went to school with you.”
Me: “I gotta go, Mom.”
Mom: “You know what? I’ll call the school tomorrow.”
Me: DO NOT CALL THE SCHOOL!”
Mom: “Why not?
Me: “Can I talk to Dad?”
Mom: “Why? So you can ask him to get down the yearbook?”
Me: “No. So we can discuss quantum physics.”
A long silent beat passes.
Mom: “Here’s the thing. We moved the yearbooks along with a bunch of other stuff to the storage facility.”
Me: “So you don’t have it?!?!?!?”
Mom: No. Not here.”
Me: “Then why didn’t you just say that?!?!?!”
Mom: “I’m really worried about your weight, dear.”
Me: Goodnight, Mom.”
I hang up.
Long story short, I have no idea if Kerri Walsh went to Saratoga Elementary School on Oak Street, but Heather and I are rooting for her and Misty to win the Gold nonetheless!
I have always told people that if surviving a dysfuntional family was an olympic event I’d win the gold. You can have the crazy event gold.
…and I can’t spell. DysfunCtional. Clearly, I’m trying to keep dysfunctional fun.
ashleys last blog post..The True Test of Love
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Aw, Mike. You’re not fat. I hope your mom telling you that doesn’t bother you, even though you already know she’s crazy.
WTF’s up with your mom, anyway? Does she know you write this blog? Maybe it was HER who googled “Mike Spohr Wedding” that one day. Lucky she found my blog and not yours, or you might be in a heap of trouble!
Although, reading her comments daily would probably provide the rest of us with a belly full of laughs.
Why do I hear Twilight Zone Music?
Middle-Aged-Womans last blog post..Hi. (Updated)
Holy crap…what a conversation. Your mom is either nuts or freakin’ brilliant.
VegasDads last blog post..fill ‘er up friday: 8.15.08
Black Hockey Jesus says:
Mmmmmmm. Kerri Walsh. Is so good. At volleyball.
Black Hockey Jesuss last blog post..Charles Dickens VII
My husband used to have a crush on Gabrielle Reece. Something about an easy to follow sport and girls who are in great shape. I’m sure he is loving the ever smaller swimsuits the girls are sporting. It’s not good enough for TV to make them tiny, but they must also be almost see-through on the sides. Fancy.
Glad to see you know how to deal with your mom instead of just being driven crazy by her.
Wow! I can see why you have to work up to making the call.
We love to watch beach volleyball. Amazingly all of my kids sit quietly to watch it. Wonder if I could get some DVDs?
Y’know, I actually think it’s much more pervy that I covet Phelps’s tiny hiney, than you coveting Walsh’s…tallshes? I mean, I’m ten years older than he is. I saw a picture of him at the age of 7 and thought “oh, wow, what a cute little guy” and then saw that the date said 1993. The year I graduated from high school.
BTW, my step monster gave away all my yearbooks and baby photo albums, so y’know, I feel your pain. The woman is heartless…a heartless pig collecting baby album throwawayer. But I’m totally fine with it. Ahem, anyway, have a nice volleyball watching evening.
Brandys last blog post..Inchy the Bookworm
Three cheers for mom’s that call their kids fat!
Four months after my son’s birth, we had to attend a family wedding. I wore these really special pants called Spanx to hold in the nowhere-near-pre-baby belly.
My mom: Oh, you look good. Not thin or anything, but nice and smoothed out.
Me: Thanks, mom, because women four months post partum need to be reminded of the fact they are fat.
jennis last blog post..Phobia Friday: Horses, and a Few Tangents
Daddy Dan says:
Great (but disturbing) story, Mike!
Misty May went to the same University as me (Long Beach State). Amazing!
Daddy Dans last blog post..Next Week on Daddy Dan
Ms. Moon says:
Your mom. Your mom. Your mom. Have you taken her to get a colonoscopy yet?
Ms. Moons last blog post..All Is Well
Awesome story and not just because it has a picture of Kerri in it–but that didn’t hurt. Maybe you could convince your dad to get a second line. You could call it the ‘straight answer’ number.
Jims last blog post..Dual Standards
So Mike, is the Great God of Google not yielding any results about this? Wait, better not tell me. I’d like to keep thinking that Google knows everything.
Suzies last blog post..Part of the reason why I haven’t posted much lately
The Google God has totally failed me here. Believe me…I looked before I made the dreaded call.
Uh, I have a feeling your mom’s gonna call the school first thing Monday morning.
And then you might want the key to the storage facility so you can get the rest of your things from it. Just on the off chance you want to make sure you don’t ever have to call and ask for her to do something simple again!
gins last blog post..And watch that language, news man!
Sleep Deprivation Ninja says:
It also would suffice to tell your girl that the Olympic athletes are ninjas; the athletes are nearly skilled enough to make it believable.
Anna Marie says:
Mike, you could do a blog solely based on crazy mom stories and I would never get tired of reading it. She is beyond blog gold. She’s blog platinum. Blog TITANIUM even.
hmmm. Baby is crawling into the dishwasher. Must be time to log off.
Anna Maries last blog post..Vacuum very much!
You know, I didn’t want to say anything, being as we’ve really only just started our relationship, but I’m worried about your weight too.
OMG! I feel your pain. You’re mother is making me crazy! And I sincerely hope you’re not eating right now, it’s after 9…
merlotmoms last blog post..Lest You Think I Exaggerate…
Totally sounds like a conversation I would have with my mother. Even about the fat thing. I think I’m going to go dive into a pint of ice cream now.
And you’re a triple poster! Seriously cracking me up! It’s ok – I have a baby in my house too, so I’m totally willing to chalk it up to sleep deprivation.
HeatherPrides last blog post..QuikTrip is Not a Grocery Store
MADDIE: ”Well, I know I’m new to this world and all, but in my experience humans don’t move that much. They just sit on couches typing on their computer and snacking.”
^^^ I am currently sitting on the couch, typing on my computer, finishing off a bag of Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Combos. Glad I’m not alone.
The whole thing about your mom being crazy and a liar totally described my mother-in-law. We all honestly have no idea when she is telling the truth… EVER.
You should have a whole category for posts with your mom in them!
Don’t know if you accept these or not but I nominated your blog for the E is for Excellent award! See here.
i know it’s totally against the law, but could you start taping the exchanges between you and your mom and then post them for us?
A Free Man says:
My Mom and your Mom could totally hang out. May not work though, you know how sometimes people that have nearly identical personalities hate each other? It could induce a massive Mom explosion if they were both in the same room for too long.
A Free Mans last blog post..I’m goin’ down to St. James Infirmary
OMG- Just when I thought my mom was the worst… your mom is crazy! I’m sorry- I had to say it!
mayas last blog post..Picture Thursday
Backpacking Dad says:
“DO NOT CALL THE SCHOOL!”
Yes. My mother, too, would need to be yelled at in just such a tone to keep her from doing something that, to her, seems utterly sensible.
But dude, even if she did go to your school she was sending me long distance love letters the whole time and even though I don’t have the letters anymore (because my mom moved them to the storage unit and then forgot they were there and then the storage unit was flooded in a tragic storage unit flooding accident) you can bet she saved copies of every single one and someday, when we are together again, she will show them to me and ask me to play volleyball in the rain with her forever.
Testimonial: Excellent, I recommend! visit: http://www.sinepenis.com
Penis Enhancement says:
We have tested over 215 different penis enlargement products and penis enlargement programs and decided to list the top 3 programs because they had the best rating when it cames to customer satisfaction and results. visit: http://www.sinepenis.com
car accessory says:
Thank you, it was exactly my question, and thank you guys for answering.