When Heather called to tell me that she and Maddie had been taken from Dr. Looove’s office to the hospital in an ambulance, I should have known…
But then she told me that she had also been given the option of driving Maddie to the emergency room herself, so I took that as a sign that Maddie was not in any immediate danger.
When I arrived at the hospital and saw Maddie in her hospital bed, receiving oxygen, I should have known…
But then I remembered how Maddie had been hospitalized twice before and both times she had come home to us smiling that amazing Maddie smile.
When the doctor decided to admit Maddie to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) for the first time in her life, I should have known…
But then he assured us that Maddie would only be in the PICU overnight, and that she would be moved to the regular pediatric section first thing in the morning.
When daylight arrived to find Maddie thrashing around in her bed, and the doctor no longer planning to move her to the regular pediatric section, I should have known…
But then the doctor told me it was a good sign that Maddie was angry and kicking her feet, as it meant that she was getting stronger.
When Heather called me at work to say that they were going to intubate Maddie, I should have known…
But I wasn’t totally sure what intubation meant exactly, or just how serious a procedure it was.
When I tried to enter the PICU and was stopped by a pair of men who asked me to wait in the hall, I should have known…
But all I could think about just then was how much I wanted to see my baby and make sure she was okay.
When the doors to the PICU were finally opened, and I saw that Maddie’s bed was surrounded by dozens of the hospital’s medical staff, I should have known…
And I did. Then I knew.
I often wake up in the middle of the night, sick to my stomach over how stupid I was. How could I have not known? Was I really so hoodwinked by how good things had gone of late that I forgot her tough birth and extended NICU stay? Could I really have been that stupid?
I don’t know what I could have done differently if I had realized just how much her life was hanging in the balance.
Would I have spent more time at the hospital the night before? Not gone to work that last day?
Yes.
Would that have changed the outcome of things?
No.
Still, it doesn’t change the fact that I wake in the middle of the night more and more often, sick to my stomach, and chastise myself while thinking that I should have known.
Gemini-Girl says:
Mike. you couldnt have known. There was no way you would have known and the outcome wouldnt be any different. Thinking of what happened makes me sick to my stomach as well, let alone you as her father. You were and are the BEST daddy that you could have been to that little girl.
the world is not just.
debi says:
Oh please don’t do that to yourself. You know what they say about hindsight. You and Heather are fantastic parents. When I have the time I look at your old pictures and when I’m not crying I am smiling. I thank God that we have these amazing things called cameras. You did the best you could. You’ll never know why her stay was so short but you and Heather and Maddie made the most of every day and moment that you were given. I thank you for sharing both of your beautiful daughters with all of us.
Mijke says:
You couldn’t have. No father could have ever known his daughter would suddenly pass, because it’s just NOT supposed to happen!
Please don’t hit yourself over the head because of it. I know you won’t stop just by me or anyone else telling you to. I know you won’t be able to. But still…
Kim says:
If you had gone around expecting the worst, you would have been teaching Maddie to expect the worst. I’m glad you didn’t do that.
Lots of love to you.
Amanda says:
Mike- like I’m quite sure you know grief ebbs and flows never knowing when the next big wave would be.
Which totally sucks.
A big hope that a wave of happiness happens soon.
Bella says:
Mike. My heart aches for you.
You couldn’t have known. When the doctors saw a sick little girl, you simply saw your Maddie. Your sweet, bubbly, strong and resilient little girl. The little one who had overcome so much, and who gave so much joy. It is unthinkable that she would not come home.
You did everything right. Everything. That little girl was loved, hugged, kissed, cuddled, laughed with and treasured everyday of her life. She had such a beautiful life. You and Heather gave her that.
You couldn’t have known, Mike. Nobody could have known. It was unthinkable and wrong that she should pass away. Please please don’t do this to yourself.
Kris says:
Honestly? It doesn’t sound like the doctors knew when Maddie first arrived. He did say she’d be moved the next morning.
It must be impossible not to do this to yourself, though. I am so sorry.
Steph says:
This is exactly what I was thinking. If the doctor didn’t know, how could you have known? Much love to you and your family.
AmazingGreis says:
Oh, Mike, you couldn’t have known. What happened was unthinkable and I’m so so sorry that it happened at all.
(((hugs)))
Mary says:
You couldn’t have known…no one could. Hindsight is 20/20 and who would have ever thought that the unthinkable could happen? I think there are always regrets, there are always second-guesses. We do the best we can in the situation, that’s all anyone can do.
Jamie says:
We all have regrets, Mike. But, you couldn’t have known or anticipated what was going to happen. There’s just no way. You did what you could. You believed Maddie was coming home, so why wouldn’t you go to work to provide the things she was going to need when she got back? You made no mistakes, Mike. Not one.
Lisa says:
Mike, there is no way you could have known, no way. It is hard not to second guess our decisions, hard not to get mad at ourselves for not knowing something that we just couldn’t have known. Hugs to you Mike.
Jannette says:
My heart aches for you. Peace be with you my friend.
Tricia says:
Love, love, and more love to you guys.
Rumour Miller says:
Please do not do that to yourself. You did all you could. How could you have known? We don’t know what life has in store for us. We don’t know what the plan is for our life or the lives of those we love.
We can always see things differently when we are looking back…
monica says:
oh MIke, sending you a big bear hug! One never knows when our time is up, and we should all live our lives to the fullest. Your thoughts are normal, just wish it wasn’t so heart wrenching for you.
PattyB says:
All parents who lose a child go through the “what if” and the “woulda, shoulda, coulda” type of thinking. Don’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over and could never have stopped from happening. I feel so much heartache for you right now because I know what you are going through. Sending love, hugs, and prayers your way, Mike.
mom of 2 says:
And if you had known…then what? It’s not the same as knowing your aging parents or grandparents will pass, when having the time to say goodbye and try to prepare yourself may actually do some good (though even then many people say they couldn’t have anticipated the strength of their feelings of grief).
Feelings of guilt, especially those about things you can’t control, are hard to shake but for your sake, I hope that eventually you’ll be able to put them aside. You don’t deserve to feel so awful. Sending wishes of strength and calm to you.
Lydia says:
What parent expects that they will outlive their kids? *That’s* why you didn’t know. Even though Maddie had a rough go of things, especially in the beginning of her life, you still didn’t think you’d outlive her…Losing your daughter is ugly and cruel but you have done NOTHING to feel guilty about.
heather says:
wow – cannot imagine how hard that was to write, never mind live through.
brought me to tears.
i am so sorry for your loss and your ongoing pain.
Glenda says:
Mike, you couldn’t have known. It was all out of your control. You can not beat yourself up like that. You and Heather were the best parents for Maddie as you both are for Annie.
Hugs…peace and strength…
Dudge OH says:
*manly hug*
I’d like to sit here and say “Don’t beat yourself up”, but its what we parents do when anything happens to our kids, no matter the scale. So I’ll say, “Don’t beat yourself up too much. And keep with the counseling, (assuming y’all are still receiving some).”
Trisha says:
There is no way you could have known Mike. Please go easy on yourself.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
jessica says:
My brother and sister in law lost their daughter who was 3 months old….she was in the NICU and was starting to do a little better…they left at midnight planning to come back early the next morning (they were no longer taking turns staying with her b/c her condition was improving) and got a phone call at 2AM that they needed to come back to the hospital…she passedd….they couldn’t have known and I know they too feel the same way you do….do not blame yourself b/c you know you could NOT have known!
Erin W says:
If you had known how it all would end, you wouldn’t have had all the beautiful moments with Maddie. xoxo
Minnyc says:
Thinking of you…hugs from NYC
Elizabeth says:
Sending hugs your way!!
Courtney says:
The thing is, if you had known, you would have been right by her side, because that’s the dad you were to her. But no one could have known, even the doctor said she’d be out of the PICU. I’m guessing that online comments may not change your mind, but here’s hoping this chorus of support helps a little. I think of your Maddie often.
Jessica Makuh says:
My daughter Lauren has a serious heart defect. She is doing very well now and some days, I forget how sick she really is. I relate so much to what you have said, because I try to tell myself everyday, don’t forget so you don’t get too complacent. I am so afraid that I will forget and one day the “bomb” will go off. I’ve decided that is what’s it’s like having a child with a serious heart defect. I have a fake “bomb” sitting on my kitchen table and I don’t know when it will go off. It could be tomorrow, it could be in 2020. There is nothing I can do about it but walk past it everyday and live everyday to the best of my ability. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you must live through each day. I think about your family often. Don’t beat yourself up about what you didn’t do. All we can do everyday is our best…since we don’t have crystal balls.
Rebecca says:
Mike, it will get you nowhere playing Monday Morning Quarterback with what could have been. I do that all the time with stuff with my kids and you know what? It gets me nowhere. Only sadness. You are a wonderful father. Maddie knew that. That is why her smile was as bright as the sunshine.
Samantha says:
i understand what you are saying, and i think that as a loss parent, we don’t know any other way than to analyze every detail of our final moments with our babies. i have replayed every second of my losses in my mind over and over and over. and every time, i feel like i remember some other little detail. i analyze everything and try to figure out where i went wrong and what i should have done differently. it is torture, but it’s something that i still can’t seem to get over.
i think the hardest thing for me (and others in the support group i belong to) is that as a mom, i truly believed that i had magical powers when it came to my babies. i had the magical power to heal, the power of foresight, and the power to know things about my babies that no one else in the world knew. i believed this with all my heart, and to come to the shocking reality that this just isn’t true has been very difficult to accept. i think we, as parents, have a magical power to comfort our children and bring them peace and love. but the power of healing and foresight…i don’t think it’s there. i know that at least it isn’t for me.
i’m so so sorry. i wish i could change things for you and for every loss parent, but i don’t have that magical power either. i’m just very very sorry.
Lisa says:
I wish you sweet dreams of Maddie smiles and laughter. I hope that you have those dreams tonight. And every night. For both you and Heather.
Neeroc says:
My heart breaks for you knowing you have these thoughts. I don’t think I know a parent in your situation who wouldn’t have these thoughts, no matter what they did, but I hope you *know* you did made the best decisions you could make with the experience and information you had. Because you did.
Pgoodness says:
I want to say PLEASE don’t do that to yourself, but it’s easy for me to say that. You know nothing would be different, but I imagine it’s easier to place some sort of blame or guilt on yourself. You don’t deserve that. Be kind to yourself . Giant smooshy hugs.
Holli (B's Mom) says:
I wake up all the time in the middle of the night and often wonder, “Did that really happen to me? Is this really my life”.
Ray says:
Oh, Mike. My heart goes out to you. You are an awesome father, and Maddie knew that.
Chrisie says:
There was no way you could have known, you probably wouldn’t have believed it if somone had told you it was going to happen. How could you? It is so wrong and so unbelievable. (((((HUGS)))))
Molly says:
Oh Mike. I’m sorry. My telling you you couldn’t have known won’t change the fact that you feel like you should have known. But there’s no way you could have known.