The day is winding down on my first father’s day (or fourth…depending on who you ask) and it went pretty damn well. In our house, mainly because my wife is a whore for holidays, we actually celebrated a father’s weekend. Heather has, at times, even petitioned for things as outlandish as Birthday Months, but thus far I have managed to keep things down to relatively normal party weekends, or even somewhat extravagant weeks, but never party months or even her recent suggestion of party fortnights. I will say though, since this holdiay was about moi, I was happy to make it a weekend and not just one stinkin’ day.
Things really got down to business on Saturday when we went to this awesome Japanese barbecue restuarant where you cook meat on a grill in the center of your table. Heather was a little worried about eating there since Maddie was going to be there too, but I promised her that I wouldn’t drop the baby on the grill. This joke, for some reason, did not go over well with Heather.
Once at the restaurant, eveything was fine with Maddie…I totally didn’t drop her on the grill…although at one point she lost her shoe and I immediately looked to the grill in fear. I imagined Heather screaming in horror as Maddie’s shoe charred in a puddle of Teriyaki sauce, but thankfully it had just landed on the germ filled floor. The meal was awesome, and I am happy to report that by the end of it Heather enjoyed herself enough to even entertain going back there one day!
The rest of Saturday was spent lazily. I slept a lot – I needed it – and Heather took care of Maddie until three in the morning. At 5:30 a.m., when Maddie was crying, I got up to feed her since Heather had done such a great job with her. I’m not mentioning this to get Dad points, but….ahem…I did get up at 5:30 am to feed the baby on Father’s Day even though Heather would have totally done it had I asked her to.
Around nine a.m. Heather brought me breakfast in bed (always a culminating event of a celebratory week or weekend). It was toast, eggs, sausage, peppers, and onions, and very tasty. Lunch happened a few short hours later (our holidays always involve lots of food) at a place called Baby Blues Barbecue. It was awesome and served up Southern ribs along with regional faves like okra. The place was packed but we somehow got in with a party of 8 1/4th (Maddie, of course, was the 1/4th). Tia Leah and her boyfriend Ted were there bearing an awesome Best Buy gift card, Uncle Kyle was there with his boyfriend Michael, and Heather’s parents were there to pick up the tab (score!) and give me a Giants bobblehead present!
My last fun father’s weekend event was going to see The Incredible Hulk while Heather looked after Maddie. This may sound weird to you, but Heather had no interest in seeing the movie, and I had no interest in changing a diaper in the aisles while Bruce Banner did his thing, so I was more than happy to go alone. It was very entertaining, but I had a total dude thought midway through the movie that may offend some: “If Bruce Banner was getting it on with a chick, and suddenly got mad, would his thing grow to hulk like proportions? And if it did, what would happen to the chick?”
I asked Heather this question when I got home and she said, “A) It would split her into two pieces in a horrific display of screaming, blood, and vomit that you can’t even imagine, and B) You do realize you can’t ask me sicko questions like this anymore now that we have a kid, right?” I told Heather that I would keep these weird thoughts to myself in the future, to which Heather replied, “I’ve been waiting for you to say that since the first day I met you.”
Well, that is it, folks! I hope everyone – fathers, wives, and kids – had a great time like I did!