Taking a baby to the supermarket – like sticking a fork in an electrical outlet – is generally not recommended. Between the balancing act of pushing a stroller AND a shopping cart, the sudden meltdowns on aisle three, and the embarrassment of waiting to check out with a baby who has soiled her diaper in the stinkiest of ways, you are lucky to leave with even a few of the items on your shopping list.
As difficult as it is to grocery shop with a baby, however, it is even more difficult if you are a man. I say this not because men tend to lose thirty IQ points upon entering a supermarket, but because women of all ages think that MAN + BABY = OMG MUST STOP AND TALK TO!!! Don’t get me wrong, most of the women I meet at the market are perfectly nice, but if you’re not careful they can make a five-minute stop for Cheerios as time consuming as a trip to the DMV.
So, as a public service announcement to my baby toting brethren everywhere, I present the four most dangerous women to avoid at the supermarket. Be careful men, these women should be considered shopping and extremely dangerous!
1. The College Girl
Fifteen years ago I would have been ecstatic if this fresh-faced cutie in her school sweatshirt stopped me, but now, as a married man hoping to snag Diet Coke and diapers before The Office starts, she is just an epic time suck with a propensity to overuse the word “like.”
Sections Most Likely Encountered: Magazines, make-up, Ice Cream
Favorite Topic: Her babysitting history
Likely Comment about Annie: “Oh my God! In high school I used to, like, babysit this little girl named Erin who looked exactly like your baby. Like exactly!”
Estimated Delay: 5 minutes
Suggested Escape Tactic: Casually mention that you think you spotted Taylor Lautner in the produce section.
2. The Grandmother
This sweet and kindly older woman appears harmless enough, but she wants nothing more than to show you photos of her grandchildren while complaining that she doesn’t get to see them enough.
Sections Most Likely Encountered: Discount table, fiber supplements
Favorite Topic: Her grandchildren
Likely Comment about Annie: “What a beautiful little boy. He looks about the same age as my grandson, Davie. Wait. That’s not right. Davie’s seven now. Seven! Well, I guess that shows you how often his mother brings him to visit. Harumph.”
Estimated Delay: 10 minutes
Suggested Escape Tactic: Casually mention that you think you spotted Bob Barker in the produce section.
3. The Neighbor
You haven’t talked to her since last summer when she stopped by to warn you about a pothole on your street, but a lot has happened in the neighborhood since then and you can be sure she is intent on catching you up.
Sections Most Likely Encountered: Cat food, Vodka
Favorite Topic: Why this neighborhood just isn’t the same as it used to be
Likely Comment about Annie: “She is just beautiful, Michael. Wish I could say the same about the Johnsons’ kids across the way. Don’t get me started on them. They are just awful. You have a minute, right?
Estimated Delay: 15 minutes
Suggested Escape Tactic: Casually mention that you think you spotted the Johnson’s kids playing near her car in the parking lot.
4. ???????
The last – and by far most dangerous woman – has no name, because to give her one would make her that much more real. Like the Loch Ness Monster most men think she is a myth, but they fear her nonetheless. This beast is a grandmother who has recently gone back to college and lives on your street.
Section Most Likely Encountered: Legend says she was once spotted loading up on canned fruit.
Favorite Topic of Discussion: Everything
Likely Comment About Annie: Impossible to know. No man who has ever spoken to her has lived to tell the tale.
Estimated Delay: Eternity
Suggested Escape Tactic: Wait for death
Good luck, men. And remember… Super Bowl parties are just a few weeks away. If you must shop for supplies with your little one please be vigilant in avoiding these women. Even one misstep could have you home well into the fourth quarter!
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, you are too funny! I promise not to talk to men out shopping with their babies in the supermarket. Smile and walk on, ladies, he’s on a mission!
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last [type] ..Generosity
Hahaha. Mike, you’re a good father AND so funny… Do you have a brother?! Or would Heather consider loaning you out for a while?!
Very funny! Next time, leave Annie at home. That much cuteness can’t be ignored. Women are just too weak.
This is hysterical! Sadly, it’s true. I’d like to add the woman who has her kids at the grocery store with her and she stops to say how cute your kid is. After that she’ll spend most of the time trying to get her kids to say hi to your daughter but they refuse.
Then you do a little shopping cart dance because you’re trying to leave but she continues to try to get her kids to talk. Not that I’ve ever experienced this or anything.
Elle´s last [type] ..Anticipation
Hahahaha!! Awesome and so true, all of it!!!
I remember talking to my sister once, I was 19 I think, and at the end of the conversation she says “Kathryn, do you know you said “like” 115 times during that story!?!”
Like whatever…your Annie’s a doll!
After reading this; I will try really hard not to say anything to a man with a baby while in the grocery, Mike. BUT,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,if he’s already at a standstill, behind me in the checkout, and the baby is as gorgeous as Annie; I’m just gonna’ HAVE to make a comment!!
Hilarious! I will pass these tips along to my husband! =)
You are so funny Mike!!! I’m SOOO glad you’re “ours”!!! ha ha ha
OMG that was so super awesome funny. My husband will love reading this.
Hilarious. Now I know why my husband never wants to go to the supermarket (especially with our daughter in tow).
And, you know those grandma types can be a time suck for us women too
Lisa´s last [type] ..Dental Health During Pregnancy
Dude… why would you take the stroller in with you?
Dumb guy question….how else am I supposed to tote her around except for in a stroller?
What about the little seat thingy in the front of the cart made for sitting babies in?
This was hilarious by the way! The “like” thing made me roll. That drives me up a wall! LOL
Oh, I forgot to mention that we live fairly close to our supermarket, so I usually walk there pushing Annie in her stroller. The stroller also acts as a handy place to hang the grocery bags on the way back!
This is highly funny! I don’t like going grocery shopping with my kids for many reasons, but that’s because the kids are a pain, not the other shoppers. Well, I’ve never been one to delay a busy mom or dad, and perhaps others who read this will see the error of their ways.
Latest quick shopping tactic for us: we both go and Dad stays with the little one in the play area (newer Whole Foods), floral arrangements, or just outside, while Mom speed shops!
My husband always came home feeling really good about himself. He thinks the college girl is smiling at him….
Wait – they sell vodka in grocery stores in California?!?
Yup…in California they sell liquor seven days a week in the supermarkets. We’re classy like that.
Very, very funny Mike…and no fair that you can get vodka in grocery stores. We have to go to a special alcohol store (can you explain why the hell they call them ABC stores).
Kristin´s last [type] ..Random Thoughts from a Scattered MInd
Too funny! And Like Mike, what are you like, doing at like the makeup counter? You guys are awesome parents, and great writers! Love reading everyday!
They sell razors for shaving on the same aisle as the make-up. Perhaps I’ll grow a beard.
Oh! I see. Our razors are usually by the shampoo and not the makeup. I thought maybe you were just super sweet and buying Heather her makeup for her.
Too funny!!! I looked a little weird laughing at my desk at my computer.
Read this a few minutes ago and am still giggling – now sitting at my desk in the office with colleagues staring at me wondering what is wrong with me. That is hilarious. Thank you – I needed that this morning. I am sure it will make me smile through the entire day. Still giggling…
This was stupendous! I don’t think my husband has gone shopping with our children, because of this. He would mostly get the grandmotherly type as we live in an older neighborhood. Thanks for the warning and the awesome laughs:)
This should be posted at the front door(s) of grocery stores everywhere! This is hysterical and so true, but won’t it be sad when those cute young girls don’t have an excuse to talk to you…….
This post made my day. I am still laughing
Lori´s last [type] ..Living the dream…
Love it, haha!
But what about the woman who stops you to tell you everything you are doing WRONG with the baby? “Oh, her feet are COLD! Cover that baby up!” or “I would never take my baby out at this time of day/night!” or “The lights are so bright in here, definitely not good for a baby!” or “You need to feed that poor child!” (if you have a kid on the smaller side).
Jenn´s last [type] ..update by numbers
This is hilarious! A must-read for all the husbands out there!
So funny!
I’m a baby sporting star when it comes to the grocery store and babies. I brought both of mine with me from the time they were about a month old until they started school. (Just a few months ago) Isabella is 5 and in kindergarten and Joey is 3 1/5 and in preschool) I don’t know how I did it…but I did….out of necessity…..
Rebecca´s last [type] ..Thanks
They are flirting with you, Mike. Nothing is hotter than a guy walking around with a baby. It gets all the maternal and biological juices flowing.
I completely agree – women flock to a man with a baby. It is so funny because they are in awe of the men who DO THE RIGHT THING and take care of their children; like this is a completely foreign concept and they are a rare species that need to be snatched up as soon as possible.
Just putting it out there, this is also true for men with old lady. Last night at Target, my husband was walking with his 91 year old grandma and women were following behind him talking about how cute he was and how sweet he was…blech…back off women…he’s mine!!!
Michelle´s last [type] ..Thats What Friends Are For
this was fantastic!!
next time just wear super dark sunglasses….and have annie wear them too. no, no, that would make annie even cuter. okay, you should just wear blinders. it’ll keep you from having any eye contact at all! that is key. no eye contact=no verbal assault! problem solved.
good luck!
This is like, the most- LIKE best like post I’ve like ever read in like my entire life.
However, I don’t like think I’ve ever like met the first person. Like, is she for real? I mean really.
This is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever read. And it’s funny because it’s true!
That is TOO funny! Thanks for the laugh!!
Elizabeth´s last [type] ..A restorative approach
Awesome! I’m a chick and my worst fear is the grandmother/check out lady. You are there, STUCK while she sloooowly rings up your things, has to comment on every single purchase (They didn’t make these when mine were babies) and go on and on about her dozen “grandbabies” (I live in OK – they are grandbabies). OIY! Then… she wants to TOUCH the child.
And thanks for clarifying the stroller/shopping cart thing. I never think that people actually live close enough to walk places. Just doesn’t happen here.
Kristin´s last [type] ..Thankful
I’m beginning to wonder if this is why my husband takes twice as long as me when he goes grocery shopping with the baby. HM!
Hilarious post- thanks
Hilarious Mike! I have the grandmothers bother me and my son too..telling me how beautiful my little girl is!!!!! *Sigh*
Hilarious!! thank you
OMG yes! The worst is the checkout lady. I think you need to do an update to the post about her. I always look for a male working a check out counter when I have the kids with me.
Jen´s last [type] ..Ridiculous Thanks
OMG!! hahaha…hilarious!
Ahahaha! And I thought I ran into a lot of awkward situations toting around my friend’s kids…
Lady: “Aww, how old is he?”
Me: “Hell if I remember. Three? Oh, wait, six months. He was being born while I was at that party in June.”
[cue awkward silence]
Amanda M.´s last [type] ..Crash! Into Me
That’s funny!! What I found funniest though, was that you go shopping pushing a stroller AND a cart! LOL!! You CAN put baby in the cart!! Or, even better, put baby in a sling, like in a mei tai on your back. Then, her big gorgeous eyes are at adult level and you’ll melt lots more hearts! But it’s also easier to walk away and pretend you don’t notice the person making gaa gaa faces at your baby behind/on your back!
Don’t forget that the grandma character is always ready to TOUCH babies hands or WORSE, put a finger in her mouth.
My hubs is a bit of a germaphobe, and so am I during cold and flu season with that nasty perfume after touching raw chicken.
KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM MY BABIES MOUTH GRANNY!
Jenny´s last [type] ..The messiest room
Next time you have to visit the supermarket, borrow 3 of the neighborhood kids to take with you. When supermarket shoppers spot someone with 4 squalling children, they’ll cut a WIDE path to get around you. Or at least, that’s been my experience.
Mike, repeat after me “I’m sorry crazypants lady who is cooing at my baby girl. I think annie just shat herself. Real bad.” then grab the baby and RUN!
That was so funny (and regardless of how it’s so true that this indeed happens to men, it ALSO happens to us mommies!) and right on spot. My husband rarely, if ever, takes our baby out so he wouldn’t have any idea what you’re talking about but I totally get it.
My problem are those darn carts that have a race car built into the front that my 2 yr old gets in. Every woman in the store MUST say something to him about driving, honking, etc. I’ve started just whizzing past saying something about him not going the speed limit…works like a charm (yes, you may steal that idea in the future).
Keep up the great writing, both of you, you guys are the best!
Umm Mike they stop you because you’re hot and have a baby. The ugly guys with babies fly through the grocery store.
Why push a stroller AND the cart? Get yourself a Floppy Seat for the carriage, leave the stroller in the trunk and make your life easier.
*giggle*