I was thinking this weekend about how incredibly different my life is now that I’m a dad, and how there are things we do as parents that, had we done them when we were childless, would have been interpreted very differently.

EXAMPLE #1:

“When a Dad lifts up a baby and sniffs its crotch…he is checking to see if the baby needs a diaper change.”

“When a childless dude lifts up a baby and sniffs its crotch…the police need to be alerted.”

EXAMPLE #2:

“When a Dad washes clothes covered in vomit it is because…his child has been spitting up.”

“When a childless dude washed clothes covered in vomit it is because…he drank too much watching the weekend’s football game.”

EXAMPLE #3:

“When a Mom walks down the street early in the morning wearing a shirt that is inside out…it is because she is exhausted from feeding her baby all night.”

“When a childless woman walks down the street early in the morning wearing a shirt that is inside out…it is because she is performing the walk of shame.”

EXAMPLE #4:

“When a Dad has can after can of baby formula in his cabinet…it is because his baby likes to eat.”

“When a childless dude has can after can of baby formula in his cabinet…it is because he uses it to cut drugs.”

EXAMPLE #5:

“When a Dad buys tiny outfits…he is purchasing clothes for his child.”

“When a childless man buys tiny clothes…he is either a midget, has a secret doll collection, or dresses his Maltese in outfits he prays his dude pals never know about.”

EXAMPLE #6:

“When a Dad has a pacifier in his pocket…it is so he can give it to his baby when she/he gets fussy.”

“When a childless man has a pacifier in his pocket…he is en route to a rave where he will suck on it so he won’t grind his teeth while tripping on Ecstasy.”

EXAMPLE #7:

“When you are a dad and you pull up by a school at three p.m…you are there to pick up your kid.”

“When you are a childless man and pull up to a school at three p.m….see number one.”

EXAMPLE #8:

“When you are a Dad who gets stared at by women as you walk through the mall…it is because you have your baby in a bjorn.”

“When you are a childless guy who gets stared at as you walk through the mall…it is because you are Jared Leto.”

EXAMPLE #9:

“When you are a Dad you have fruit juices in your fridge because…your baby needs help dealing with constipation.”

“When you are a childless and have fruit juices in your fridge…it is for mixers.”

EXAMPLE #10:

“When you are a Dad your most prized possession in your wallet…is a photo of your baby.”

“Where you are a childless man your most prized possession in your wallet…is a condom!”