I was thinking this weekend about how incredibly different my life is now that I’m a dad, and how there are things we do as parents that, had we done them when we were childless, would have been interpreted very differently.
EXAMPLE #1:
“When a Dad lifts up a baby and sniffs its crotch…he is checking to see if the baby needs a diaper change.”
“When a childless dude lifts up a baby and sniffs its crotch…the police need to be alerted.”
EXAMPLE #2:
“When a Dad washes clothes covered in vomit it is because…his child has been spitting up.”
“When a childless dude washed clothes covered in vomit it is because…he drank too much watching the weekend’s football game.”
EXAMPLE #3:
“When a Mom walks down the street early in the morning wearing a shirt that is inside out…it is because she is exhausted from feeding her baby all night.”
“When a childless woman walks down the street early in the morning wearing a shirt that is inside out…it is because she is performing the walk of shame.”
EXAMPLE #4:
“When a Dad has can after can of baby formula in his cabinet…it is because his baby likes to eat.”
“When a childless dude has can after can of baby formula in his cabinet…it is because he uses it to cut drugs.”
EXAMPLE #5:
“When a Dad buys tiny outfits…he is purchasing clothes for his child.”
“When a childless man buys tiny clothes…he is either a midget, has a secret doll collection, or dresses his Maltese in outfits he prays his dude pals never know about.”
EXAMPLE #6:
“When a Dad has a pacifier in his pocket…it is so he can give it to his baby when she/he gets fussy.”
“When a childless man has a pacifier in his pocket…he is en route to a rave where he will suck on it so he won’t grind his teeth while tripping on Ecstasy.”
EXAMPLE #7:
“When you are a dad and you pull up by a school at three p.m…you are there to pick up your kid.”
“When you are a childless man and pull up to a school at three p.m….see number one.”
EXAMPLE #8:
“When you are a Dad who gets stared at by women as you walk through the mall…it is because you have your baby in a bjorn.”
“When you are a childless guy who gets stared at as you walk through the mall…it is because you are Jared Leto.”
EXAMPLE #9:
“When you are a Dad you have fruit juices in your fridge because…your baby needs help dealing with constipation.”
“When you are a childless and have fruit juices in your fridge…it is for mixers.”
EXAMPLE #10:
“When you are a Dad your most prized possession in your wallet…is a photo of your baby.”
“Where you are a childless man your most prized possession in your wallet…is a condom!”
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Fabuloso! Dude how long did that take to put together. So funny and so true. Errr, of course I can exclude number 1 and 7 from my resume, well at least it’s been long enough that it doesn’t show up on my record anymore.
Surfer Jays last blog post..
Things do change, don’t they? I liked the extra attention I got with the Bjorn, even though it was all directed at the Babito. Better than taking an adorable puppy for a walk.
Number 7 just made me feel all icky.
Middle-Aged-Womans last blog post..I Want to Have the Coen Bros. Baby(s)
Well put and too true.
Ms. Moons last blog post..Have They No Shame?
Sooooo funny – what a great way to start my week -
Thanks for the laughs
Jamies last blog post..Oh, the (Buckeye) Misery ~
Very true.
Kristins last blog post..Friends: Lost and Found
True… so very true! Thanks for the Monday morning smile!
gins last blog post..Les préservatifs
True, true. I think you should add those to your stand up routine!
Oh I just loved that!
It’s so good to see/read a Man’s view.
I enjoy your site!
Lindas last blog post..Auntie Em
So true, it’s kinda eerie! LOL
Ya, number 7 creeped me out a little. LOL
Childless dudes wash clothes covered in vomit? I thought they just throw them out and call it good.
Great list!
Kates last blog post..People DO that?
Great list! Working at a college, I get to see the walk of shame a lot on the drive in.
Jims last blog post..The Party
How about finding yourself driving a mini-van when you’re a dad, something you’d sworn you’d never do when you were childless.
Captain Dumbasss last blog post..Got Ink?
If only someone would write THAT manual for new parents. My favorite was the “walk of shame”…love that. Never did it though. nope, never. ha.
mmm…Jared Leto.
sorry..got distracted for a second there. should be..mmm…daddy with a baby. heh.
alis last blog post..because i’m the mom and i said so.
Cutting drugs with baby formula…brilliant. Must share that tip with my dealer.
Number five killed me! Seriously, Mike, I’m too pregnant to laugh this hard.
jennis last blog post..From "Nononono" to "No thank you mother, I would not like another grape."
So very true !! Children change everything – forever!! LOVED this post
~Susan
Susans last blog post..Rainy day daydreaming
All very funny but I’d have to say 4 was by far my favorite. I never ever knew that baby formula had uses other then feeding babies.
WMs last blog post..A little linky love is all you need
I thought fruit juice leads to constipation, not helps it. Have I been wrong all these years? Great list!
Marinkas last blog post..If My Kids Had a Blog (and Spell Check)
I just found your site through AMomTwoBoys, fun stuff. Great post and I’m sure my daddy friends would totally agree.
Amazing Greis…s last blog post..IKE in the Media – Enough Already…
Totally grind my teeth on ecstasy. But I don’t think a soother (that’s what we call them) would help, because it’s the back teeth. I’m grinding them right now, thinking about it.
Oh my goodness, so true to all the above!! Especially #3, my personal favorite. I’ve been on both sides of that coin! (oops, did I really write that??)
HeatherPrides last blog post..Ike, You are One Sneaky S.O.B.
Soooo funny and true Mike!!!!!
Thanks for the laughs!
I have a feeling you’ve been on both sides of #6.
Loris last blog post..Are you trying to insult me?