How long should a couple date before they get engaged? Is living together before marriage okay? How about premarital sex? Last weekend I struck up a conversation with a very nice woman in her seventies, and we had an interesting discussion about these questions. Perhaps unsurprisingly, our opinions differed on what the correct answers were, but we both believed ours with equal conviction.
The woman told me she and her husband got married just seven months after they met. She likely thought I’d be surprised by that, but I wasn’t, because my parents got married after knowing each other only six months!
The funny thing in my parents’ case is that they only spent two of those six months together because my Dad was in the Navy and on a boat in the Gulf of Tonkin the rest of the time. They must have been pretty smitten with each other, though, because my Dad ended up mailing my Mom an engagement ring (I hope he got insurance on that sucker), and then called her on the phone to propose.
Heather’s parents also got married quickly. They met in October, got engaged the following March, and then married in July.
After hearing about our parents’ whirlwind engagements, the woman asked Heather and me how long we’d been married. “Almost six years,” I said. “But we dated for four years before that.”
The woman raised her eyebrows and said that in her day a courtship that long was pretty munch unheard of.
“Well, we lived together two of those years,” I said.
“Living together was even more unheard of,” she said. “It just wasn’t done before marriage. And we didn’t do… other things… either, if you catch my drift.”
I was tempted to reply, “You mean play Yahtzee?”
The night we got engaged – 3 years and a few months after meeting.
As our talk continued it became clear the woman didn’t believe in a long courtship/living together before marriage/playing Yahtzee, and felt that getting married “the old fashioned way” was still best.
It’s interesting… I’ve seen this debated before, and read a number of older studies that suggested couples who lived together before marriage were more likely to divorce. However, more recent studies – perhaps reflecting changing societal norms – now indicate that divorce rates are pretty much the same regardless of whether you do or don’t live together before marriage.
From my personal experience, though, I think it’s a positive thing to A) know your partner a substantial time before marriage, and live together. Getting married is arguably the biggest decision of your life, and it’s important to find out if you’re truly compatible with each other before agreeing to spend the rest of your life together.
Of course, every couple is different, and Heather and I have seen first hand how marriages sealed after short courtships can thrive, as our parents have been married eighty-three years combined. The key, I think, is to be convinced that you’ve found the right person, regardless of whether that realization comes after a week or five years.
For me, I’m glad I waited, even though there was something inside of me that told me as early as the night we met that Heather was the girl for me.
Heather says:
That was actually me, whispering in your ear to hurry up and propose already.
Bec says:
lol!
We’ve been married for 10 years in February and lived together for three years before that. I think that’s pretty successful.
Mijke says:
*lol*
Four years doesn’t exactly qualify as ‘hurrying up’… Has he started listening to you since, Heather?
Divorce rates might have seemed higher, but I wonder what happens to those statistics if you add the years having lived together to the years having been married.
Hurray for you guys being on the right side of those statistics. Four more years until your parents and your marriages together add up to a hundred. Have you set the date for the big party yet?
I think it’s very funny that, of all people, my GRANDMA was always the one telling me to ‘try before you buy’ as far as boyfriends were concerned. Especially since my mother always told me: “She never said anything like that to ME! I wasn’t even allowed to hold HANDS with a boy before I was married…”
Mommy says:
OMG, “try before you buy” is awesome, especially coming from a grandma!!! Cute!!
AudNoL says:
Awwwww……
JMH (Jill) says:
My husband and I will celebrate our 14th anniversary next month, and we dated 3 years prior to getting engaged. I refused to live with him until we were engaged….and we got married 10 months after he proposed. So we only “officially” lived together for less than a year before we got married. I do agree that you *really* need to get to know each other before getting married. Otherwise, you could be in for a huge surprise or two!
Mommy says:
I love this post, especially the last line about Heather. You guys might be one of my favorite couples ever. Is that weird?
I don’t know what any of the right answers are to your questions- it seems like there are success stories (and not) from couples who have had every variety of courtship… I think there are just many more factors involved, and that some of those statistics about couples that divorce are correlative rather than causative. For example, I read once that a couple was more likely to divorce if they had a daughter first, rather than a son. How could that even be related to whether a couple stays together in the long term? I don’t get it. Also, I have known a few seemingly perfectly happy couples that are now divorcing, and couples that bicker constantly who are 10 years in or more and going strong! I’m not sure if there is any rhyme or reason to it- maybe it just comes down to a commitment to making it work, in good times and bad, making your relationship a priority and working hard to getting back to a place where you want to be with each other when you do go through rough patches, rather than turning to someone outside the marriage. I really think that two people who love each other can make a marriage work, no matter how long they were together before marriage, or whether they lived together or not before getting hitched.
For me, even though I never lived with my hubby before marriage, I don’t see what the big deal is!! I know we would have had a longer courtship and lived together first if we had met a little younger, but we were 29 and 30, and we didn’t want to waste any time! A year after our first date, we were married and pregnant!!
Anyway, great post, and you bring up some interesting questions! I am curious to read the comments and hear about your readers’ experiences.
sharee says:
For my husband and I, our belief system is a lot like the old lady’s but that has a lot to do with our religion too. It doesn’t work for everyone but luckily it did for us
Kate says:
My parents did the quick-out-the-gate thing too: I think they dated for about six months before they got engaged, and then were married within the year? Something like that. They also unofficially lived together beforehand. Unless you ask my grandmother. If you ask my grandmother, my mom never spent a single night at my dad’s until after they were married. (My mom actually moved a bunch of her stuff OUT of my dad’s house and back into her apartment right before they got married, because my grandmother wanted to help my mom move in with my dad and my mom had to hide the evidence!)
I don’t know about the living together / not living together dichotomy–I’ve had friends who’ve done it, friends who haven’t, and their experiences are all vastly different–but I think because we are in a day and age where most couples tend to date a long time before marriage, it makes sense that they move in together in the interim. It’s not the “six month courtship” of the olden days. And I do have a friend for whom moving in with her boyfriend was the best thing she’d ever done . . . because it proved how absolutely self-centered and horrible he was, and helped her make the decision to leave him. (Including things like “he smoked pot in the apartment all the time and she was in addiction recovery and that was the one thing that he’d promised to never ever ever do.”) I think it can be really instructive, especially when you are young and maybe have never lived with anyone before.
But my only housemates are cats, so what do I know?
Amy says:
My husband and I married four months after we first met. That was ten years ago. No divorce on the horizon here. [Oh; we also lived together first … for three months.]
We were, however, a bit older than a lot of folks getting married for the first time. I was thirty; he was thirty-nine. And the extra years meant we knew something about what was likely to work for us.
Personally, I think the only criterion should be whether both parts of a couple really want to be married, to commit in that enduring way. Not because time has passed, or they think it’s the next natural ‘stage,’ or because they’ve already lived together (or not), or because one party has badgered the other, or because all their friends are getting married, or because one or the other party thinks s/he’s getting too old, or because their faith says they should.
If (and when) a couple wants to truly build a life together, and if (and when) they think they can — that’s a good time to get married.
Susan C. says:
My husband and I were in the same boat – older than the traditional bride and groom. It was my first marriage at age 38, his second. We both knew what we wanted. We dated long distance for 2 years, then lived together a year before we got married. We’ve been married 4 1/2 years.
For every couple, it’s different.
Babbalou says:
My husband and I are coming up on our 28th wedding anniversary but have been together for 33 years. We dated three years then moved to NYC and lived together for 3 years before getting married. We were both over 30 by then. I’ve read the comments already posted and it’s good stuff, I agree with it all. Obviously I had no objection to the suggestion by grandma to “try before you buy” which is a great way of putting it. I think it’s important to really know the person before getting married – because some people are fun to hang out with or go on dates with but don’t necessarily have the character you’d want for the father (or mother) of your children. During all those years before we married we had many friends who met and married and clearly wondered what the heck we were waiting for. One friend actually told someone I had “no prospects for marriage” since she really believed my now-husband had no intention of ever marrying me. I knew we both wanted children eventually and my only time frame for marriage was that we marry before having a family, which we did. I have two young adult children and I always tell them that real love endures and to distrust any sense of urgency to rush things along. You don’t have to get married immediately and if you feel in a rush to do so or are pressured by your partner, in my mind that’s a reason to slow down, not speed up. Of course during the three years we lived together, had we experienced an unplanned pregnancy we would have gotten married immediately. We discussed this (or more accurately, I brought it up) before we moved in together. I made it clear that would be my expectation. Anyway, love and marriage are wonderful things, provided you nuture them. Marriage is what you make of it and I think you need to choose to make it wonderful. You don’t necessarily have to have a long courtship beforehand to make that choice.
Gina M. says:
My husband and I got married on our 11 th year dating anniversary. We waited 11 years to get married and had lived together five years prior to that. To be fair we started dating in high school, went to college (the same one) and got professional jobs before we took the big plunge. We had a lot of growing up to do before we made such and adult decision. Like you said, every couple is different, I’m glad we waited and took it at our own pace. Two years later we’re still happily married.
Christina says:
I have such a similar story, Gina. We were together for 10 years when we got married (engaged for 2 of those and lived together for 7) and are coming upon our 2 year anniversary in 2 weeks. I am also very glad we waited. We both had some mistakes to make, careers to start and changes to go through… and we stuck together, not because it would just be too darn exhausting to get a divorce, not for the sake of any children, just because we wanted to be with each other. Period. (Sorry if I sound defensive. I had a friend’s mom tell me I was “playing house” and wasn’t in a real relationship all those years. Rude!)
Gina M. says:
I totally understand. People didn’t understand why we weren’t married yet either. It’s really not any one’s business. Happy Anniversary!
Blue says:
Highschool sweetheart that married on her 10th anniversary, over here!
Marriage is a big-deal binding legal contract. It’s tied to a wedding (celebration of loooove~) but we waited until we were ready to do taxes together before tying the knot legally.
I think continuing education plays a role – though we didn’t wait for the last leg to finish. He’s still in grad school. But we waited until we were both MAKING money (even if it’s just pitiful grad student pay) before signing each other up for the other’s debt.
Zoë says:
My parents got married five months after meeting. My sister was born 6 months later. Oops. 45 years, 3 children, and 9 grandchilden later, they are still crazy about each other. This is my favorite love story.
Babbalou says:
Zoe, I guess they knew – when it’s right, it’s right. Good story!
Ragan says:
I met my husband Todd in December and married him in May! We also had our first daughter, Rainey, in December of the same year…don’t do math because we obviously played Yahtzee. I am pretty sure our friends took bets on how long we would last and my father even offered to help me run on my wedding day. I mean how could it possibly last right? Well here we are 17 years later still happily married. We have weathered a ton of storms in our lives with a lot of pregnancy losses, injuries and a special needs child, all of which supposedly hurt marriage survival rates. Todd and I often laugh at the “what if” scenario of one of our daughters coming to us and saying “I am pregnant and getting married…oh and I have only known him a couple months”. How as a parent can you feel okay with that? The good thing is we believe there is no right way or wrong way and that all it takes is a lot of love and a little work and a marriage can last… statistics aside!
Leslie K says:
You just practically told my story! I met Todd in August, played some Yahtzee, married in December and welcomed our first son in August. :o) We will celebrate 17 years of marriage this December. We have also weathered a ton of storms including 6 pregnancy losses, a job loss and six out of state moves/job transfers. It just takes love and the willingness to make it work!
Kristin says:
I think it all depends on the person/couple. What is “right” for some isn’t necessarily “right” for others. I got engaged when I was 20 and married about 9 month later when I was barely 21. (no, not because I was pregnant). I had been with my boyfriend since I was 15 when we got engaged. I’m not so sure a short courtship would have worked for us! LOL We also both lived with our parents until we got married. It wasn’t necessarily based on moral beliefs it is just what worked best for us. Here we are almost 12 years later, still married, still happy. I completely agree with you that its more about finding that right person than the amount of time you spend with them before you tie the knot. When you know, you know.
Lydia says:
That statistic about couples who live together having higher divorce rates is misleading. I’ve read that the reason that is so, is because people who move in with a partner as a “trial run” often find that intertia takes them to marriage, even if it’s not a good match. People are lazy and don’t want to move. So they get married bc it’s the next step, not bc it’s the RIGHT step.
I think the key is to only move in together until you’re very sure you will never want to move out. Don’t do it for money reasons or convience or bc you want to test it out. Do it bc you are pretty sure marriage is coming up shortly after that. If you aren’t pretty close to sure, don’t move in!
On another note, my mom told me when I was in college that “sex isn’t a good reason to get married”. She wanted to be sure I wasn’t waiting bc she thinks people rush into those things at 22 bc they are horny. So funny, thanks Mom.
Becki says:
Sorry people but you CAN really get to know someone before marriage . WITHOUT PLAYING YATZHEE! lol
We had a two year courtship – are Christian- and yes, despite it being hard and maybe a few sessions of almost – we married as virgins both technically AND literally, lol.
31 years of marriage later . . TOGETHER still
And just my life experience, the living together? Yes we know plenty of couples who did it and are still together BUT the marriage decision? It pretty much was the guy’s call in EACH case of our friends (and the girls were WHISPERING HARD)
Like my Grandmother always said “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free . “
giselle says:
I think people should get married when they are BOTH ready.
I wouldn’t want to get married just because the guy wants the milk and getting married is the only way to get it. I would rather wait and have him decide this is the cow he wants forever, no matter how much milk he could get elsewhere.
I think waiting is fine and everyone should do what works for them. But I also know a lot of people that rushed into marriage way too young and way too quickly because they didn’t think playing yahtzee or living together was ok.
Just my two cents.
Melissa says:
I’ve always considered that saying quite insulting. As though it’s ok for men and not for women. Also reducing women to cows.
scc6a says:
Yeeeah, I gotta say, I totally agree with you on this saying being insulting to women. In fact, it’s one of my pet peeves. My husband and I just got married a little less than two weeks ago (yay!) We were together for 8.5 years before getting married and lived together for almost three. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. We were very young when we started dating (I was 16 he was 17) and I was always adamant that I did not want to get married before the age of 25. I just sort of felt like I needed to be through with at least half of my twenties before I was “ready” for marriage. So we didn’t date for 8.5 years before marriage because my husband was “getting the milk for free,” but because neither of us was ready yet. The cow saying is really offensive to men as well as women because it basically says that men only want to get married so they can live with their girlfriend and have sex. I’m sorry, but I’d prefer that my husband also want to build a life together, have children with me, grow old with me, and really think about these things before making the commitment of marriage. I never really felt the need to basically “blackmail” my husband into marriage by holding living together and sex over his head, like, “Sure, I’ll live with you. But first YOU MUST PROPOSE!!!” I just think it’s so important that both people are fully ready for the emotional commitment of marriage not just the physical part, and I just don’t think that’s true if the guy is just super eager to get in there and start “getting that milk,” so to speak. Oh and just an interesting side note, my father is a minister and totally believes in couples living together before marriage. Times change, attitudes evolve, and that whole cow/milk thing needs to be put to rest. And now my novel here is done, lol.
Christina says:
I agree as well. Its insulting to a lot of women. It suggests that sex should be a REASON to get married (for me, it wouldn’t ever be). Not to mention it only considers the male perspective. Maybe the woman wants the milk!
Babbalou says:
Yeah, I agree that remark is just offensive. Years ago I read a book, “Ms. Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior” or something like that, and someone asked whether a woman who’d played a lot of Yatzee as you say could wear a white wedding dress. The response went something like this – A white wedding dress, contrary to common misconception, is appropriate for a first wedding. It has nothing to do with the virginity of the bride but only whether or not she’s been married before. And if you believe that marriage is mostly about sex, then you’ve just proven how totally innocent and naive you are so wear the white dress. 27+ years into a marriage I have to agree – it’s not mostly about sex.
lissa says:
Love this post…..my mom met my dad in 6th grade and started planning their wedding and children’s name immediately. When she was 22 they finally got married !! My husband and I met at 15, “dated/were engaged/lived together” for 10 years before marrying at 25. We are still happily married 11 years later.
Congratulations on your successful family !! It’s tons of hard work, but worth it.
GreenInOC says:
My Dad was born in 1919 and he would have begged to differ about playing Yahtzee!
He would always say there was just as much Yahtzee playing when he was younger, if not more then when we were growing up (70’s-80’s). To prove his point, he would remind us that there were plenty of adoptions in his day as well as “whirlwind” courtships and very large “premature” babies!
Whenever he was in uniform (during WWII), on leave, he said women would very openly suggest a game of Yahtzee!
His theory was that people like to remember “the old days” with a rose colored glasses and rewrite history to make themselves feel better.
Meg says:
My grandparents say similar things, GreenInOC! It might be easier to look back and say, “Oh, in my day, we never did that!” but, you know . . . that’s obviously not true.
Blue says:
My grandma said to me, very seriously, that first babies sometimes come quickly. Like, you know, in 6 months. Or even 3 or 4.
She was daring me to say otherwise so I just nodded. Of course. First babies come quick, sometimes …
Melissa says:
I have always thought it was really about sex! Birth control is easy to get and people are having children when they WANT to. There was none in “the olden days” or it wasnt very good at best. People then wanted to have SEX too, so they got married fast. And also had children very young.
Karen B says:
I agree that the moment you “know” and how you get there are very different for every couple. My hubby proposed to me barely two months after we started seeing each other (I still maintain that we never really dated) and married two days shy of the first anniversary of the day we first met. Very few people accepted that without raised eyebrows or a quick consultation of their mental calendar. One of the exceptions – my grandparents, who married six weeks into their courship and recently celebrated their 57th anniversary. Chris and I weathered some heavy stuff from very early on (my cancer issues, a complicated pregnancy, a preemie who grew to be a critically, chronically ill child, …) and we were both young (He was 22 and I turned 21 just before we got married) but we have made it through all those things and more together in spite of the statistics. We just celebrated our 19th anniversary while many (if not a majority) of our friends from high school, college, “hospital families”, etc. have divorced. With everything that went “against” us, I think our statistical divorce rate is something like 107%. Ha! Statistics are just numbers and probabilities and guesses, and we are real people. I think that no matter how you start – whether you dated for weeks or years, co-habitated, played yahtzee or not – the important thing is WHY you married the person you did and how committed you both truly are. We made the choices that were best for us, and they really have been the best choices for us.
Karen B says:
That being said, my hubby says our girls are allowed to date and/or get married when they are 35 or five years after he is dead…whichever comes LAST!
Yeah…I am working on that.
Caitlin says:
I read some of those studies about “co-habitation” and divorce rates. It seems like the expectations of the couple have a lot to do with it. If a couple lives together because it would be fun, and there’s no discussion of marriage, etc, then even if they do end up getting married eventually, that marriage is statistically more likely to end in divorce. However, if a couple chooses to live together before being married or engaged, but both have made a commitment out loud to one another that they are moving toward marriage, then the statistics are largely the same as a couple that doesn’t co-habitate before marriage. But of course everyone couple is different and there are outliers to every statistic.
Jena says:
My husband and I were married 8 months after we met. It was a 2nd marriage for both of us and we had 4 boys between us. We both knew that we wanted to be with each other, were old enough to know there was no reason to wait AND because we had the boys, we wanted to be a good example for them and not just live together (old fashioned I know but it was our train of thought). We wanted them to realize the value we were putting on our relationship and commitment to them as well. It will 12 years in November. The boys are all grown and our love gets stronger everyday!
Annalisa says:
It’s not just that “courtships” are different now, the expectations of what a marriage is like is different now. I’m sure when the woman you had that conversation with got married, the expectation was that when you find “the one”, the woman gives up everything to go off and be married to him.
It’s just not how things work these days, not just because women want to and expect careers and their own fulfilling life whether they happen to marry someday or not, it’s because expectations for men have also changed, for the better.
When I met my husband in 2001, he was in grad school. In the old days, upon realizing that I was “the one”, he would have probably quit his program and found a job. If he had decided to do so, it would have probably made me mad. In eventual discussions we had, I was very adamant that he should finish his degree (he was in fact in a hurry and decided to opt for a Master’s rather than a PhD, and I gave him a bit of flack about it until he did go back for his PhD a couple of years later). So he did… and then we moved halfway across the country and moved in together (simultaneously, more or less). We could have probably married right away, but it was important for my husband to feel like he was established in his new career path (but he wasn’t, it’s a very long story), so we were engaged for on near a year (while I dragged my feet about the kind of wedding I wanted, which as it turns out, was the kind with the least amount of stress I could thing of, without actually getting married in my pajamas).
We knew we were going to end up with each other by our second or third date. We just took a while to figure out the how, to everyone’s satisfaction, not just mine or his. Both of ours. That’s something that is, sometimes, lacking in marriages of older generations: the idea that one person does not do all the sacrifices, or that sacrifices that need to be made go both ways. To wit: husband went back to grad school, I supported his need to do so, even though it meant some financial instability, or at least being veeery frugal (on a grad student’s income plus part time work). In turn, he supported me through a failed year at law school, and is now supporting me through grad school, not just financially, but (more importantly, moreso) emotionally. There’s a possibility that next time we move halfway across the country, it will be because I am pursuing a job.
Here’s the tl;dr version: I find that our definition of marriage, not just courtship, is much more expansive than that of my parents’ (and his parents’) successful marriages, and that’s never a bad thing.
Michelle says:
I totally agree with living together before getting married. My now husband of four years told me when we were dating that he wouldn’t propose until we lived together–so he could make sure I wouldn’t drive him crazy! Pretty sure I still drive him crazy, but at least he knew what he was getting into! I have several friends that didn’t live together before they got married and it was a MAJOR adjustment for them–they come home from the honeymoon and then move in together–they didn’t really have that “honeymoon” phase because they were so stressed out about living together. It seemed odd to me. Now when my two boys come home one day (in many, many years) and say they are going to move in with their girlfriends (or boyfriends–whatever!), I will probably think a little differently!
Tricia says:
My grandparents met, dated, and got married in SIX WEEKS! They were married for 43 years before my nana passed and he followed 5 months later. Their marriage and their love was amazing to grow up with, to watch and to feel. But still. Six weeks!! Lol
Beckie says:
We’ve been married 40 yrs. Dated 4 months before becoming engaged, but waited another 5 months for me to finish college. No Yahtzee playing or us before either. The commitment the day we married has pulled us through some rough spots along the way, but nothing to even think about divorce. I love my hubby more now than the day that I married, but it is a mature love and one of great respect that I didn’t know was possible at the age of 22.
Valerie L says:
I think what ever recipe works for the couple is right. In your case it was living together prior to marriage. For my sister and her husband who have been married for 13 years it was being high school sweethearts, not playing Yahtzee before marriage and getting married at 19.
My parents seemingly had their recipe all figured out but shortly before what would have been their 33 year wedding anniversary their divorce was finalized.
I think what I am trying to say is nothing is guaranteed. Marriage is hard (as I know you know!). And what works for each couple is always different. And even sometimes when you think it is working…it might not be. Social norms have changed and I find both ways acceptable.
Heather P says:
My husband and I started dating when we were 16. We dated for 5 years, lived together for another 2 and then got married. We have been married for just over 6 years now, and we are still crazy about each other. I don’t think that there is a “magical method” for everyone; each couple is different. For us, we knew we were in love, but we wanted to wait until after college and a couple of years of work before getting married. Now we have a beautiful 4 year old son, and we could not be happier.
scc6a says:
I just wanted to say I was happy to read this because I’m in almost the exact same situation, just a few years behind. I got married almost two weeks ago. We’ve been dating since I was 16 and he was 17. We’re now 25 and have lived together for almost 3 years. Not necessarily super on topic, but I love hearing about other high school sweethearts
Kris says:
My parents met in fourth grade and started ‘dating’ in eighth grade. They were married about 10 years later, and Tuesday is their 46th wedding anniversary.
I have friends from HS who started dating when they were 16. They dated for seven years and married at 23. They didn’t live together, but they’ve been married 22 years.
Not on topic, but figured I’d add to this discussion of HS sweethearts.
Congrats on your wedding.
scc6a says:
Thank you, Kris! That’s so sweet that your parents started dating in eighth grade, congrats to them on so many happy years together!
Joy says:
So my question is … how will you feel when your little girl wants to live with someone and play Yahtzee before getting married? Will you still feel the same?
My hubby and I were married 18 months after we met, and yes we lived together for a few months before the wedding. Now I have two sons who are pre-teens and I’m wondering how I’ll feel when they’re at that age.
Mike says:
Hi Joy,
I think I will feel the same, but it will, of course, depend on the situation to a degree. Her age will matter, as will the character of her partner. But if I think Annie is making a mature decision with a good person, I’ll support her. I don’t really have a leg to stand on since Heather and I lived together before marriage. We didn’t play Yahtzee though (he says, full well knowing Heather’s parents read this blog.)
Amy says:
Snort!! This made me laugh Mike
Of COURSE we all know no Yahtzee was played until your wedding night!
Annalisa says:
If Heather’s parents are like mine, they have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy about Yahtzee anyway.
GreenInOC says:
I think a parent’s job is all encompassing and really difficult. Our parents included having a happy, healthy sex life as one of the things that they taught us.
They modeled it, they spoke about sex freely with us, they never appeared embarrassed (although I’m sure at times they were!), they made sure we understood all birth control options (from abstinence to birth control pills), making that decision about having sex, understanding the physical vs. the mental vs. the emotional, etc…
I think most adults include their sexual lives in their happiness meter and I think to expect that to develop in a vacuum is kind of silly.
Margaret says:
We dated for four-ish years before graduating college and then were engaged ten months before marrying. Didn’t play Yahtzee (hahah love that) til we were married and didn’t kiss til we were engaged. Five years and two kids later we are very happy! There’s no rule, though, I think my husband waited too long for my taste to propose, but it took him longer to be comfortable with that kind of a commitment. I know a couple that married within a year of dating. Long distance. They had spent a grand total of twenty days together before the wedding! I think the biggest danger in cohabitation is when couples don’t have an end goal in mind. Studies show that cohabiting before marriage is NOT an indicator of a marriage and I see that in friends who live with their SOs for years. After a while there just isn’t a point in marriage and if there is a “divorce” it’s not as difficult financially/legally as in a marriage. In a lot of ways I think cohabitation is a form of marriage, so I personally get annoyed at the idea that people are “trying out” living together. Since when is everyone so commitment phobic?
Margaret says:
Also, I’ve noticed among friends that there seems to be a hesitance to get married before they’ve reached x milestone or financial status. There are DEF irresponsible times to have kids, etc, but I think that delaying marriage when you have a perfectly acceptable option isn’t always wise. We did wait til we were done with college, but I know plenty of folks who didn’t and everyone still finished degrees. We waited because that’s what was normal at our southern private university. Ido think it’s a factor of where you live, belief systems and just plain old peer pressure.
Amy says:
As I tell my daughters, “You gotta test drive!” (Mind you they are only 15 so I hope they do their test driving some time from now.)
I lived with 3 men before marrying the 3rd. Don’t regret it either.
Things were different when premarital sex was taboo. Getting married quick more of a priority (to get to the YATZEE!
TamaraL says:
I met my husband in April 1995. We married in August that same year. Still happily married! (And no, I was not pregnant when we got married, but I did have our daughter just before our one year anniversary!)
Lauren says:
Couples vary so much. My own parents got married when my second eldest brother was 4 weeks old.
I met my partner when I was only 18. We are coming up to 7 years next February. We aren’t engaged yet, but it’s on the cards soon. At this point, we are committed to each other in many ways, and have been for many years. We’ve lived together for about 5 years, we’ve owned property together for 3 years. We get the keys to our first house this coming Tuesday, which we have spent the last 16 weeks having built (and god knows how long before that just planning it).
I like to think the new marriage is called a mortgage.
eva says:
I met my husband when I was 22, in 1998. We dated for about 5 minutes then never talked again (I broke up with him to go after a guy who then dumped me 5 minutes later!). In April 2005 he googled me, found my work email address and emailed to say hi. We started dating in early July. Got engaged in January 2006. Married in August 2006. Only lived together once engaged for about 6 weeks before the wedding, only because my condo had sold and it made sense. I would never ever have thought I’d get married at all, much less without living together first!! Brad on the other hand is 8 years older, came from very traditional Christian parents who he didn’t want to devastate by “just” living with me. His logic was “if you’re not planning to break up wiht me, you’ll marry me,” and I went for it. 6 years and 2 kids later, we’re doing just fine:) We had played yahtzee first! But really I don’t think it’s necessary.
Melanie Johnson says:
Met end of June, got formally engaged in Sept, moved in together (and got pregnant with twins) in October, got married in Feb, had twins in June…one year after we met. 13 years, six kids and going strong.
Michelle says:
Gosh, I miss Yahtzee.
Allison says:
Hahahaha. Best comment ever.
Brooke says:
My husband and I married 3 years after we started dating. To be fair he was gone for 2 years of that. We were 21 and 22 years old. We did not play Yahtzee before marriage. Although we were ready and wanted to, we chose to wait, because of our belief system. We have been married for 20 years now, have four kids and are very happy. We hope our children do the same. You and Heather seem like an adorable couple and are very supportive of each other. I think that supportiveness, and sticking together through the hard times, means more about the relationship, than whether or not you live together first, or not. I know those who were virgins and are happily married many years later, and those who weren’t virgins and are happily married many years later, and vice versa.
Melissa says:
This post is great! I’m engaged right now and my fiance proposed on our 6 month anniversary. We’re getting married in February and we’ll have just been together for a year. We both had the feeling that each other was “the one” and we’re both in our late 20’s and didn’t feel the need to date for a long time before sealing the deal.
I feel like dating a long time really depends on how old you are. Sure, if you’re 20, you don’t have a rush. But I’m going to be 30 next year, I’m madly in love with my fiance and we’re ready to start our lives together.
To each their own I suppose.
Marsha says:
My husband and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage in November. We dated for six years before we got married and lived together for five of those years! We are very happily married.
My oldest brother has been married for 30 years even though getting married was due to an unplanned pregnancy when he was 20 and his wife was 19 so he and his wife have really beat some odds there. They have had their share of rough times but have managed to weather those storms very well. They both earned degrees, went on to careers, had another child (now 22 and in college) and are now preparing to move overseas for a new job for my brother.
As for myself, I am happy that we lived together first because we really got to know one another and were very well prepared for what marriage would be like.
I agree with Melissa, “to each their own.”
Amanda says:
We discussed the studies of living together before marriage leads to more divorces in one of my college classes- they didn’t take religious and personal beliefs into account for at least some of the studies. Of course those who are religiously against living together before marriage would be much more likely to be religious opposed to divorce as well!
Nikki says:
My husband and I moved in together after dating for 6 months…then didn’t get married until we had been together 6 years…we’ve been married 4 1/2 years and have a 4 year old daughter! Although the beginning was slow, we bought a house in Feb. 08′ got married in May 08′ and our daughter was born August 08’…needless to say things started out slow..then got super busy…haha
S says:
I’m not about to go into a religious debate about what’s right or wrong (who knows, really?), but I think these days, that plays a big factor in how far you lean toward your situation and the older lady’s situation. (No judgment in that statement, I promise!) My husband and I are both Catholics, so that meant no living together. But it worked for us just fine. And we also were together for 2 years when we got married (engaged after 11 months, with a 13-month engagement). I personally think it’s a matter of finding the balance of what’s right for you to know this is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of decision.
Tina says:
I am divorced. And I will never get married again without living with the person first. (We got married mainly because I was pregnant. Six months into the relationship.) “Try before you buy”. So true!! Haha!