Two years ago today was by far the worst day of my life, but it was more than just a terrible day. It was a profoundly scarring and traumatic experience. Walking into the PICU unprepared for what I was about to see, watching the doctors and nurses work in vain to save Maddie, hearing the doctor pronounce her dead, cradling and kissing my daughter’s lifeless body one last time, these moments are more ingrained in my memory than any other moments of my life.
Not one of the seven hundred and thirty days since Maddie died have passed without my being haunted by those traumatic moments. Sometimes they come racing back in crushing flashbacks that reduce me to tears. Other times they gently creep up and dampen my mood. But they never fail to rear their heads one way or the other, many times over, every single day.
The worst thing about the power these moments hold over me is that they represent just one of the five hundred and fourteen days I had with Maddie. Their constant presence preserves every sight, sound, and smell of that awful day in my mind while my memory of the other five hundred and thirteen days grows dimmer. This breaks my heart more than you can imagine.
So today I am going to do all I can to ignore those traumatic moments, and instead let myself be haunted by thoughts of the other five hundred and thirteen days:
– The day she was born and gave me the honor of being her Dad.
– Giving her a bath and laughing as she splashed around in the water.
– Playing my guitar while she rocked out on her little piano.
– Goofing around on the floor together, laughing and laughing.
– Spending Christmas with her cousins.
– Sharing a tasty treat on a sun splashed Saturday afternoon.
– And many, many more wonderful memories with my little girl that deserve to haunt me far more than the awful ones.
So here’s to you, Chicken Muffin Love Bear. On this terrible second anniversary I want you to know that I will never forget the wonderful times we shared. Wherever you are, your Daddy loves you more than ever.
Yolanda says:
i
i started this comment as I. and how dare i.
but i can’t believe it’s been two years since her.
because there seems to have been so many more years OF her.
love and love and love to you.
i wear purple.
Lisa says:
I hope your day is filled with beautiful memories of your beautiful daughter. (((hugs)))
Elle says:
The picture on the bottom of the two of you is precious. Madeline’s smile makes my heart happy. I hope the great memories of Maddie and the happy times will be what gets you through today.
Veronika says:
What precious, precious pics of a little girl and her daddy. {{ hugs }}
Lisa says:
She was, and is, one of the most amazing little girls. She touched so many people, all across the world with her golden hair and light filled eyes. Today I remember Maddie with you and wrap you in peace and love. I hope you find some peace on this day as you remember all the incredible moments you spent with your magnificent daughter.
Love and hugs.
Kim says:
Thinking of all of you today. I have no other words that seem adequate.
AmazingGreis says:
So loved and so missed. Thinking of you today and always, Mike!!
XOXO
Kimberly says:
As always, and especially today, sending prayers, hugs and love to you and Heather and your entire family. Beautiful post, Mike.
LisaJ says:
Thinking of all of you today.
Words are not adequate, and I am so very sorry.
Sue says:
Thinking of your beautiful family today……………………………..
Heather says:
Once I read this blog and my daughter saw a picture of Annie she asked who that little girl is. I tell her that this is Annie and then she asked who the other little girl is and I tell her that this is Annie’s big sister Maddie.
I tell her that they are loved as much as she can possibly imagine. I tell her that her parents have two of the most special children in the world, just like I have two of the most special children in the world.
I wish I had some sort of pill for the grief you both feel today.
Jenni Williams says:
Sending you all love today and everyday.
Pgoodness says:
Yes, keep the good memories in the front. š thinking of you, sending strength and love and laughter
Erica says:
I hope you can push the haunting memories to the back today and think about all the wonderful moments with your precious girl. I love the last photo of you and your girl, your smiles are so captivating. Thinking of you all from afar.
molly says:
I hope you have every wonderful memory of Maddie in your mind today. It must be so unbelievably hard…my heart breaks just seeing your pictures…it’s not fair. Prayers for your family…always. And really, wherever she is…she has to know the incredible love you and Heather have for her.
Brandy says:
I’ve heard it said that there’s nothing like a mother’s love but knowing the love my father had for me and seeing the love my husband has for our children I honestly believe there is something exta special about the love of a daddy. A daddy isn’t just a father, he’s something different and more. It’s obvious how much you love being a daddy. I’m thinking of you and your family today.
cj says:
thinking of your family today and always.
gretchen stein says:
That last picture is so, so precious. Thinking of you all today. xo
J from Ireland says:
My thoughts and prayers go out to you both today.
kirida says:
Sending you and your family love. I will wear purple today and think of your sweet Maddie.
Jamie says:
This breaks my heart. Seriously. It’s so unfair.
Staci says:
Praying for peace for you today, and always.
Daisy says:
I too hope the good memories push away the bad. Sending you support, even if it is just through the Internet.
Mary says:
The beautiful memories are the ones that will win out in the end. They just have to.
Supporting you all in my thoughts.
katherine says:
Thank you for sharing Maddie with us, Mike.
Heartbroken with you, today and every day…
And sending you much love and peace…
Alice says:
As you’ve said yourself Mike, it’s deeper than any distance.
Thinking of you and Heather today and sending love out. All over the world, people are celebrating your Chicken Muffin Love Bear. Not her terrible loss but all the happiness and light she brought to this world.
Janell says:
Thinking of you and your beautiful family today. Thank you for sharing your story.
Ann says:
Thoughts, prayers and everything else that can provide comfort are being sent to you and Heather. What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful little girl. The last picture is priceless, could her smile get any bigger?
Sarah R says:
Thoughts and prayers to you and your family, on this day and every day. What a beautiful little princess — I’m so glad you took so many photos so you can always have her memories.
bessie.viola says:
Wearing purple and sending my love.
mp says:
Love that last picture of the two of you. That’s a great memory to treasure.
Only good, strong thoughts for your family today.
Amanda says:
I will hold my daughter extra tight today. I am so sorry you can not hold Maddie. It is as unfair as it could possibly be.
Steph says:
It is very touching that both your and Heather’s post today seek to focus on the wonderful memories of your gorgeous daughter. Wishing you peace.
Patrice Knutson says:
I’ve followed for so long, I miss Maddie so much, I admire the family you are and will always be, I am sad for you today.
amanda says:
Wonderful wonderful photos. I am here, at work, with tears streaming down my face. Thinking of Maddie, you and Heather all day, and of course Miss Annie and Rigby too. Without even knowing you, you are one of my favorite families.
Loving all of you – and sending strength today.
xoxoxo
Elizabeth says:
No words, just sending my love. <3
LAUREN says:
thinking of your family……..
Katie says:
My heart aches for you Mike. I wish I had more to give, but I’m sending all my love and strength to you and Heather today. xo
Tracy says:
I do not know you or Heather personally….other than being a faithful follower. Your honesty, humor and courage have touched me. My heart hurts for you today and every day.
All the way in Chicago, I am wearing purple today.
Candice says:
May your day be filled with only memories of her curls, her soft skin, her smell, and her laugh. Please take some comfort in knowing so many are thinking about and praying for your family.
Kim says:
I love this post Mike. It is so true. So easy to focus on the last day that we have our babies, but to focus on their LIVES is so much more important.
That doesn’t make the fact that they are gone any easier though, I know that.
Know that there are thousands of us who have walked this path of grief who are here to hold you and Heather and your families up today and always. We know how hard it is and are here to give our love and support.
Melissa says:
She was such a beautiful girl your daughter. Yes, remember the good days. Oh how I wish the shit day 2 years ago never happened and that you didnt have to carry the weight of it.
Kate says:
hugs to you.
Barbara says:
I hope you will be able to call up every beautiful memory you have stored with your precious girl, and hold onto them and strengthen them. I know it’s a challenge, but if you’re able to do it, you will gain the peace you so deserve.
Kristi says:
This is a heartbreaking yet beautiful tribute to Maddie. You are such a great dad and I know Maddie felt that love every single day of her life. Heather and you are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Minnyc says:
Beautiful pictures. Thinking of you today…
Momma Lioness Michele says:
What a gorgeous post – your love for your Maddie and your family beams from it. Sending you and your family strength and love from NY.
ZDub says:
Sending you love and peace on this day.
Nikki says:
Wearing purple and thinking of your family. Sending you strength and love.
jessica says:
Mike-
My thoughts and prayers are with you all today, and everyday.
Liz says:
No words…. just know that so many of us are thinking of you all today.
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
Prayers for you and Heather. Love and good thoughts for all of you. Wishing there was some way to alleviate this for you both. Knowing that there is not. So, I will just pray that you get through, since there is no way around it. Blessings to you both…
Laurie SL says:
Hugs, prayers, thoughts, love…everything going out to you today.
Bridget says:
Wishing you a day of the good memories. Wishing you a lifetime of the good memories.
MelissaG says:
I am so sad and so sorry. I know those words mean very little…I can’t even imagine. Thankful that you have those wonderful memories and sad you don’t have more.
Brooke says:
We all grieve both for you and with you today. God bless.
Jessica - This is Worthwhile says:
My heart goes out to you. To both of you.
Trisha Vargas says:
Thank you for sharing Maddie Moo with us. She is so loved and will never be forgotten.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
AngieM. says:
thank you for sharing your beautiful memories of maddie…with all of us. we love you and are all surrounding you with hugs, even if it’s through a computer.
thinking & praying for you.
xoxo
Gamanda says:
I have no words, but I could not go today without letting you know that you’re all always in my thoughts. Wishing you wonderful memories to carry you through the day.
Skye says:
I am glad you were able to take Maddie home from the NICU and be an awesome daddy to her. She was so lucky to have you. I am so sorry you have those horrible memories to interfere with the good ones. It’s just not fair. I hope you can keep thinking of all the wonderful times you had, and know that every single day, you showered Maddie with love. You gave her a beautiful, happy life. I’m just so sorry that it was cut short. Thinking of you today and every day.
Megan says:
Some children don’t experience in their lifetimes the love Maddie experienced daily, hourly. What a beautiful life you gave her. I will remember her today not with sorrow but with admiration and gratitude for her existence, for the amazing person she was. Peace to you and Heather.
Liz says:
That picture from Christmas cracks me up! I actually laughed out loud & spit a bit of coffee out. š
This is such a wonderful tribute to a sweet little girl.
Glenda says:
Mike and Heather… I hope your day is filled with beautiful memories of beautiful Maddie!!!
xx
Allyson says:
Sometimes, it breaks my heart that my husband doesn’t have any little girls to be a daddy, too. I know how precious that is. So I know how very fortunate both you and Maddie were. I hope the 513 days fill your heart today.
Kim Adams says:
She has the most beautiful smile in the entire world.
Thinking of you and Heather today and everyday.
Missing Maddie, even though I never knew her, but wish I did.
Ania says:
Beautiful post. Hugs to you both today.
Pattie says:
Keeping you and Heather in my thoughts today. Thank you for sharing those glimpses of the other 513 days with us.
Jenn says:
Hi Mike,
I don’t think ANYONE would be prepared to see what you and Heather witnessed that day especially since Heather the most pressing issue the Dr had with Maddie was her weight just 10 minutes before she crashed. What a shock it must have been for you all!
I was thinking about your memories fading and I thinking, what if you started writing down your memories…even the little things you think are so mundance? That way, when you do miss her or are having a difficult day, you can always read your memories and focus on the positive part of her life…not the tragic end of it. Just a thought….
I know today is a horrible day for you both. I’m so sorry for that. I’m so sorry she’s gone. I’m so sorry I can’t bring her back to you. I’m so sorry you have so many terrible, profound memories and how even the good memories hurt you.
If love could bring Maddie back to you and Heather, she would be here b/c so many people love and care for yourself and your family. Take care of each other today Mike. One small step at a time…..one small step at a time and just remember….you are NEVER alone!!!
Sending you warm hugs, much love and endless friendship!
Jenn xo
Lora says:
Love to all of you today. Holding Maddie in my heart.
Rebecca says:
I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that the world loves Maddie.
Cinthia says:
((((((hugs))))))
Carrie says:
You are all in my prayers, today and always. And know Maddie isn’t forgotten. Thank you for sharing your memories of her with us.
Caroline says:
so many tears. dear maddie, you are so loved.
Nanette says:
You were lucky to have her and she was lucky to have you.
Much love to you all.
amourningmom says:
Thinking of you, Heather and Maddie and wishing you peace if possible. Thank you for sharing – the pictures are all adorable. I am so glad that you have these happy memories too.
I believe that wherever Maddie is she knows how much you love and miss her. Take care.
Michelle says:
Such a precious and beautiful girl!
She is blessed to be your daughter – to be loved and cherished forever.
You inspire me to be a better mother.
Alison says:
Maddie’s light just shines through in her photos and videos. I can only imagine that her light shines through even more so in memories.
Sending you all love and strength.
Maddie, you are so loved.
xoxo
Lisa says:
What beautiful photos, Mike! Maddie had such an expressive face, so full of life and joy…and she still remains the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.
Tanner Jade says:
I only heard about Maddie’s story this past Sunday, when I stumbled upon this blog. I’ve thought of her every day since and how beautiful she is (those eyes & that smile!). Last night, I was reading past blogs about Maddie and just started to cry. Maddie’s life has affected me and I know I’ll always remember her, even though I never knew her. Before I left for school this morning, I prayed for you guys and Annie, for all of the people who loved and lost Maddie. I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of this precious little girl. I wore purple today for Maddie. Your family will forever be in my heart. <3
Amelia says:
Beautifully written for a beautiful girl. Sending you love and light.
Rumour Miller says:
Focusing on the wonderful moments… I hope it brings you strength and peace.
Penbleth says:
Mike, just love and peace to you all today.
Erin says:
I think of Maddie literally every day, and I just can’t believe it’s been two years already. I still have that memory of sitting at my desk at work, crying, when I found out she was gone. Love to you all.
Lisa_in_WI says:
Immersing yourself in happy memories sounds like a wonderful tribute to your beautiful little girl. And as Annie gets older, you can tell her all kinds of stories about her big sister.
Hugs to you and your family today and every day.
1coolmom says:
I think of your Maddie and you all often as I interact with my own children. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose one of them. Maddie has touched so many people who have never met her, you or Heather…..strangers, like me. And today and always, we all think of you and I imagine others like me, keep you in our thoughts and hold you up in prayer. Thank you for sharing your sweet girl with us!! She is so loved and will not be forgotten….
Lenora says:
Why is it that the bad memories haunt us and seem stronger than the good? I wish for you all of the wonderful memories you have of your beautiful girl. I wish peace for you, Mike and your family.
Laney says:
Oh those photos and memories make me smile. That face! I have never seen anything like that face (and that spirit).
Such a special little girl, born to such a special family.
We remember her, vividly.
Gwen says:
Words are so inadequate. I’m wearing purple today, and feeling haunted by the pain (and love) of people I’ve never even met. I am more sorry than I can say.
You and your girl, and your gorgeous smiles, are so beautiful in that last photo, it takes my breath away.
Vic says:
Maddie’s spirit lives in all of us. Her love, her life, her spunky attitude. Her light has not dimmed one bit. Not one bit. The world is less because she is not here with us now. She is making a difference every single day. There are people all around the world who are sending you guys prayers, love and peace. Thinking of you always.
aubrey says:
(((hugs))) to you and Heather and Annie today Mike. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is for you guys. Just always remember the good, her gorgeous eyes and smile. And how much she loved you guys. That is so obvious in all of your posts and pictures. You guys are an amazing family. I hate that she was taken away from you. She has done So much good in her short life though. You guys should be so very proud, I know you are. (((hugs)))) again. love you guys
Karen says:
As of today, Maddie has been alive 1,224 days. She keeps on living because you and Heather keep on sharing her with us.
So sorry for your loss – praying for peace and comfort.
April A. says:
I can see Maddie continues to be an inspiration for you. We celebrate her life today through your memories.
Rachel says:
Mike and Heather, I have thought of you so much this week, and I am just so, so sorry. I love seeing the beautiful pictures of Maddie’s brilliant smile and shining eyes.
dysfunctional mom says:
I still can’t get over how beautiful she was, almost unreal with those huge amazing blue eyes.
As I said on Heather’s post, I hope, at least for a day, you were able to push away the terrible memories and remember only happy times.
You both write so beautifully about her, and your love for her.
julia says:
thinking of maddie today… praying for you all
I remember reading Heather’s tweet that day, 2 years ago… and how my heart sank for you guys. much love, remembering maddie.
Ray says:
That’s a beautiful thing to do. To only remember the good times. I hope with everything that the bad doesn’t see the light of day today. For both you and Heather. <3
Molly says:
Oh, gorgeous Maddie. Thinking of her and you guys more than ever today.
Kristi says:
What a beautiful little angel she is. The light in her expressions is unbelievable, and anyone can look at her and know she was a baby that was well loved. The highest compliment I ever received was when a stranger told me they could tell I must have smiled a lot at my baby because she smiled so much at everyone else. I am guessing Maddie saw a lot of smiling faces.
Britta says:
Two years ago, April 5, 2009, I lost my best friend in a traumatic disappearance, later found to be an abduction. A month later his body was found.
Thank you for reminding me to try to look past the trauma I have suffered and to see the beauty in the time I spent with him. Than you…
Meghan Cooper says:
Breaks my heart, taken too soon. Peace to your family on these hard days
Kathryn in Berlin says:
wow, that was beautifully written Mike. And the last picture you posted is just the best! I know your life will always feel incomplete, but I still hope you have many joyous moments in the future as well. You all deserve that.
Kristin says:
I wish I could shoulder just a little bit of the pain and let you have more time with the good memories.
Annalien says:
The last picture in the post is so very precious!
I have no adequate words, but I wanted to say that I am thinking of you. I can only imagine your pain, but even just imagining it makes me choke and sob out loud. Praying that the good memories far outweigh that last awful day. Maddie was such an incredibly beautiful little person!
Joy says:
That smile, those eye lashes they brighten my day when ever I see them.
I hope the good memories will always win out over that one terrible day.