I remember when Heather picked up the phone a little over four years ago and found out that Jackie had collapsed at work and had a very disconcerting x-ray at the hospital. “What?” Heather yelled in disbelief as her eyes flooded with tears. This was before Maddie passed away – Maddie was in my arms at that moment if I remember correctly – and Heather couldn’t process what she was hearing. It was too unthinkable and horrific.
“How could this be happening?” we later wondered together. “How to someone so young and vibrant? To someone who had a laugh that brought joy to so many people? To, well, Jackie?”
Heather and I have been through a lot since that evening, and experienced another loss both unthinkable and horrific. Through all of it, however, Heather has been grieving for Jackie.
I’ve been grieving too as Jackie is also my friend, but it’s different for Heather. She and Jackie amassed a treasure trove of wonderful memories together before I showed up on the scene, and right away I could see the beautiful bond they had.
Supporting Heather though this has been hard. As her husband, I want to make this better. I want to make her smile, to take the weight off her shoulders, but that has been impossible.
I try to understand that the stress of losing her friend often makes her moody, quiet, distant, or sad. I try to be whatever she needs me to be in those times, but I don’t always succeed. Sometimes it’s an effort to not to take her moods personally.
I also try to understand when Heather turns to her college friends for comfort instead of me. They are, after all, a very tight knit group and have been ever since they met at USC all those years ago. Still, sometimes I am not as understanding as I want to be.
I hate that I have any of these feelings. I want to be the stoic husband who supports his wife through a tough situation… a rock. I try to be that way, but… I don’t know. Do those guys even really exist outside of the movies or a Marlboro ad?
If there were some happy ending to be had that would make things easier. Almost anything can be overcome when you know there are brighter days ahead. But that is not the case here, tragically.
Heather is going to need my support more than ever in the days ahead. I’m going to do my best to give it to her, imperfect though it may be.
Jay - The Dude of the House says:
All you can do is be there for her as much as you can. When my mother was in her final stages, the way my wife supported me meant more than I ever could have imagined. She made an impossible situation just a little more tolerable.
Jenn says:
Dear Mike,
It sounds to me like you are doing a fine job in supporting Heather. She is so lucky to have you a her husband as it sounds like you are really in touch with her feelings and you understand her grief because you are grieving too.
A time like this is NEVER easy, especially when you are waiting for the horrible phone call. I think the best you can do is just take one day at a time and keep communicating and supporting each other. You are both loosing a dear friend….it hurts and it’s not fair but thankfully you guys have each other and just like Heather…we are all here for you too Mike.
Sending you both Support, Comfort, Friendship and Love.
I think of you both often and I wish you guys nothing but the best.
Auntie_M says:
Absolutely!! Couldn’t agree more!!!
Mrs Catch says:
Just being there is the most important thing. I wish things could be different too. So sad for you both.
Amy Collen says:
Mike, I say screw it to movies and the Marlboro man. YOU my friend are the ideal man. You are. The fact that you are so open and honest telling all of us this. Heather is a lucky woman. Just do what you have been doing which is just being yourself. All she has to do is read this post. The fact that you are there and want to support her and do everything you can is enough.
You all are in my thoughts.
Mijke says:
Just be there, that’s all…
My father passed away three weeks ago, very sudden, and the fact that my husband was just THERE was enough for me. There to take care of the kids while I made arrangements for the funeral. There to make sure the world kept turning while mine had stopped. There to enable me to go through things that needed going through, without having to worry about everything else.
I understand the way you feel, though. For me, he did everything I needed him to do. But for him, it felt like he didn’t do enough. That I didn’t need him enough, because I didn’t need him to comfort me like my sister needed her husband to. Because I wasn’t a crying mess, he didn’t know what to do. Sometimes what someone needs is for another person just to be there. That’s all I needed. And he was.
You are there for Heather. That’s the most important thing you CAN do. If she needs to cry, hold her. If she needs to yell, let her. If she needs to be angry at someone, tell her it’s okay. If sometimes it feels like she doesn’t need you at all, know in your heart that she does.
And above all remember you don’t have to be perfect ALL the time. Sometimes it’s just nice to know you’re not the only one who doesn’t know what to do or what to feel…
Angela says:
I’m sorry for your loss.
TamaraL says:
All you can do is be there…just do the best you can, that’s what she needs. I’m sorry for what you are all going through…
Lisa says:
Being there is the best thing you can do. There is nothing imperfect aboout that. Love and hugs to all off you.
Melli says:
I’m sure you’re doing as best of job as you can
Stacy says:
Mike, I remember when my aunt passed away very suddenly in 2002. She was my mom’s big sister, but they looked so much a like, that people thought they were twins. They shared a very special bond and my mother was shattered by my aunt’s untimely and unexpected passing. My dad was grieving and hurting, too, but like you, was trying to be strong for my mom. I remember he told her once “I can’t fix this.” And you can’t fix this, either. Don’t be upset with yourself for how you feel and how you grieve. This is your loss, too. It’s okay to be imperfect.
Scc6a says:
Mike, it sounds like you’re being a great husband in such a difficult situation. I’m sure Heather appreciates so much that you are there for her. My fiance is in the same situation as you are now, comforting me after my uncle passed away suddenly this weekend. Honestly the best thing he has been doing is just sitting with me, letting me talk about the good memories, letting me cry. And you don’t have to be stoic all the time, it’s ok to show vulnerability. A few times over the past few days my fiance has cried with me, and that really touched me–it shows he cares about how sad I am and he cares about my family. No need to be a Marlboro Man, emotion shows you care.
Editdebs says:
Wow, you are an amazing support for Heather. You struggle sometimes, but that you are even questioning and trying to do better is so much a testament to the wonderful husband and father you are. Hugs to you and Heather at this difficult time.
Jeanne H says:
Mike,
You. Rock!
Bianca P says:
Mike, you are the MAN. If all guys were as nice as you there’d be far fewer problems in the world. Just keep at it
Pattie says:
You’re doing everything just right, Mike. And all those conflicting emotions you’re feeling are normal. Nothing about what you are experiencing and watching Heather experience is easy, but you’re taking care of her as best you can. Just be there for her.
Summer says:
I am constantly in awe of the raw honesty that both you and Heather write with. I’m not entirely sure what to say after that, but I just really appreciate and admire it. You guys are amazing.
Lisa A says:
You’re human. Perfect isn’t real. What’s real is trying. Love & hugs to you both.
Carol Fisher says:
You sound like you’re doing a great job, Mike. Try not to doubt yourself and your actions. One time I was dealing with some tough stuff watching my mom got through surgery with some major complications. I could tell that my husband was struggling too, mainly because he couldn’t make everything better for me or “fix” the situtation. My burden was lightened when he turned to me and asked, “Is there anything I can do to help you?” In that one simple little question he was offering to help, admitting that his brain doesn’t think the same way mine does, and he couldn’t read my mind to know what might make things easier for me. Don’t be afraid to ask. My husband still asks me that question and sometimes I say “Yes, please take the kids out of the house so that I can have a long chat with a girlfriend.” or sometimes I just say, “Yes, please hug me.” I just love the question, because it opens up communication. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that there are people all over the world who are thinking of you guys and praying for you as you navigate this painful time. Hugs.
Jamie says:
I know my sweet husband tried his hardest during my sad season. Even if it was clumsy and imperfect, it was full of love. I know Heather knows this. Just do what you’re doing. Love her like crazy. The rest will follow.
Lisa says:
I think that your post is probably the world to her. I love that even through this you communicate volumes.
sara says:
Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Much love to you and Heather in the coming days.
Julie says:
You are doing everything you should. You are there for Heather when she needs someone to lean on, and you let her go be with Jackie! and her friends when she needs to.
You are an incredible husband and father.
Sending hugs to you all.
Jessica says:
Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers too Mike!
Christina says:
You’re doing a great job. It’s so hard. All of this. None of it should be happening. It’s all completely cuckoo. So, of course you can’t do and say the perfect thing all the time. But that doesn’t mean you’re not still a wonderful person. Keep going. Keep being thoughtful and loving and keep trying. You’re doing a great job.
Molly says:
I am so sorry for you both, and of course for lovely Jackie! and her family and circle of friends. You guys have already been through so much that this just seems unbelievably unfair. Go easy on yourselves.
Gamanda says:
I believe that those people probably do exist. However, I think they’re that stoic because of their lack of empathy or any other feelings. You have an even greater challenge because you have suffered such a loss before and you’re friends with Jackie! Keep doing what you’re doing. No one should expect you to go through this easily, especially trying to support Heather the way you describe.
Molly says:
This is such an awesome post. Remember that the greatest thing you can do for anyone is just to be present. That’s actually really hard, as you know, since keeping yourself busy trying to “do” or “fix” something is easier. But being present and listening and just noticing what’s happening in the moment is real, loving, meaningful empathy.
Amelia says:
You are doing awesome. Don’t forget your grief, you love her as well.
Terri says:
Just writing something like that shows how supportive you are. This is an awful situation, and there’s no rights or wrongs, you are being an awesome husband! Hang in there!!
Bobbi says:
I grew up with a girl whose father was one of the men in the cowboy cigarette ads. Let me tell you he was anything but stoic. You are doing the best you can for the both of you.
Auntie_M says:
Mike, Heather has been able to grieveover for Jackie! over the past 4 years, as well as relish her time remaining with Jackie! BECAUSE OF your unfailing love and support…the same unfailing love and support that is shared between you both that has carried you through the grief and tragedy surrounding the loss of your precious Maddie. This will carry you both once more as you both grieve Jackie’s loss. And you, too, have the support, love, and prayers of the readers here.
Lanie says:
I am sure you are a huge source of support for Heather. It is all so frustrating b/c cancer sucks. Someone recently told me about a Facebook post which said “I wish cancer would get cancer and die.”.
Sending peace and hugs to you, Heather, Jackie! and your families.
Staci says:
You’re doing it already. You really are.
Gale @ Ten Dollar Thoughts says:
I’m late to this post, but I wanted to say (with apologies to Pioneer Woman…) that I’m pretty sure that the Marlboro Man is emotionally dead inside. You are doing just what you need to be doing – being as available for Heather as you can, allowing yourself your own space to grieve, and letting time do what it can (albeit slowly) to partially heal these hideous wounds.