Annabel is my little buddy. We have an incredible time together each day, giggling and snuggling.
Despite this, a couple things happened recently that made me re-access how well I’ve been doing this whole parenting gig.
The first went down over the weekend when Annie, after a long day, threw a tantrum and smacked Heather in the face.
“No hitting!” Heather cried while grabbing Annie’s hand, but Annie swung her other little paw and smacked Heather square in the jaw once again.
The second thing happened a few hours later when Annie started to cry.
Heather picked her up, but Annie kept crying and reached out for me. I took Annie in my arms and walked her around the house. Soon she calmed down and put her head on my shoulder.
When I returned to Heather she frowned and said, “I wish every time Annie cried you wouldn’t come and take her from me.”
That’s when I realized I might be doing something wrong here.
In our house I am the go-to-for-comfort parent while Heather is the disciplinarian. It didn’t end up this way through any design on either of our parts, but I have to be honest… it feels good to be the one Annie runs to when she needs some love and comfort. It also feels good not to be swatted at (though on the flip-side it stinks to be the only one Annie will let rock her to sleep when she wakes up crying in the middle of the night).
As much as I like being the good guy in Annie’s life, it’s not fair to Heather. I need to discipline Annie more, and to hang back when Annie is hurt/sad so Heather can be the one who turns her tears to smiles. It won’t be easy, I don’t relish being “bad dad,” but I owe it to both my girls to do so.
But a warning to Heather… part of this change means I’m going to “let you” get up with Annie in the middle of the night too.
Nanette says:
This parental balancing act is kind of tricky, huh?
@Adelas says:
That’s going to be a tough change – hang in there!
We don’t have one particular parent who’s good cop and one who’s bad cop, but regardless, one thing we’ve learned around here is to back each other up. My 2yo is the absolute queen of dramatics – get her diaper in a bunch and she “doesn’t want” you, “doesn’t want” that water you’re offering (you know, the one she was just begging you for), etc. Even if I think Daddy was a bit over the top strict, if she comes crying to me, I’ll pick her up and talk her through the same point he just made, but sympathetically.
(Fake, but rooted in truth, example, because it’s 2am and I can’t remember a real one). Daddy gave her a cup of blueberries [FAVE food], and she promptly poured them out on the floor to eat from, and got yelled at and her blueberries taken away. She came crying to me, snot running down her face, telling me “Don’t want Daddy, Any more, At all; Daddy very yell.” I picked her up, wiped snot, got her to put her head on my shoulder, and as she leaned on me, I basically repeated what he had yelled, but in “loving morality lecture” format [explain what went wrong, why it’s wrong, what to do instead]: “Daddy was angry because you dumped the blueberries on the floor. You’re not supposed to do that, are you, baby cakes? It can make a big mess, and the blueberries get so dirty we can’t eat them, so we have to throw them away, and they’re all gone. That makes you sad, doesn’t it, sweetheart? And it makes us sad, too, because you did not obey. Next time you need keep the blueberries in the cup, and don’t put them on the floor, and then you can eat them all.”
This usually ends with taking the child back to the “bad cop” parent to apologize, and getting a hug. So you don’t have any relationship debts outstanding, everyone gets a hug, etc.
Pixielation says:
The fact that you’ve realised this early on is great – of course it’s nice to be the warm and comforting one, but that can end up fracturing your relationship with Heather. It will make the whole family unit stronger if both of you are equally strict and loving, and mean that when she’s much older she can’t play you off on one another!
Bampa says:
Good cop, bad cop works for perps but for kids… I recommend united consistency.
Audra says:
It IS important for both parents to be consistent, but I think developmentally most little girls go through a phase where they prefer Daddy. I know that I did. My youngest is currently in a phase where she has a strong preference for me over her daddy (she’s three), but I really think it’s because he gets frustrated with her more easily than I do. I can dismiss comments about how mean I am or that she doesn’t like me anymore as temporary toddler rage. He takes them personally.
Alison says:
That picture of you and precious Annie is adorable!
Staci says:
Kudos to you for recognizing that. That’s what makes a good man right there. Good luck as you attempt … she’s almost too cute to be in trouble.
mp says:
Uh, so hard when the kids learn how to be manipulative and pit one parent against the other. How do they learn that skill? As if we’d ever teach them to win!
Adelas advice great. It’s what we try to do. If our kids get mad at one parent, the other backs them up (even if they don’t agree, because you absolutely have to have a united front).
That said, sometimes kids need a shoulder to cry on. Think about it–isn’t it difficult and embarrassing when you learn you’ve done something wrong? Toddlers can’t even begin to understand what to do with those feelings. Sometimes they just need a hug and not a second lecture.
So the balancing act is hard at this age. I think you and Heather just have to agree that you’re both trying to do the best for Annie, and that sometimes you’ll step on each other’s toes, but that it will get easier as she gets older–and is able to stand up to BOTH of you! Because oh yes, that will happen before you know it…
Molly says:
I think this is kind of fluid. When my daughter was Annie’s age, we had the same dynamic (I stayed home with her and was the strict one while daddy was the hero), but once she got fully verbal and reasonable (ha) now I’m the one who’s more likely to sit and try to reason with her, while my husband is much stricter. I think he figures at this point she should “know better” while I figure she’s old enough to have a conversation (she’s nearly four now).
ldoo says:
I struggle with the same thing. I’ve just always taken the role of, well, mostly everything. To the point where Daddy can’t put our 3yo down or even go in her room to comfort her without her screaming for me. It’s a ridiculous cycle that I don’t see an end to. So you’re right to get it taken care of now! Instead of assigning roles, just take turns so she knows either one of you is there when she needs it.
Penbleth says:
It’s good you realise this, some people wouldn’t see that they re unintentionally reinforcing these roles. Parents can only try and do their best and give their kids love and consistency, the rest is bonus.
Glenda says:
I think being consistent in the discipline is the most important thing. If she knows how to play you both now, just imagine as she gets older
Jenn says:
You’re a good guy Mike….in every way. Being consistant & praising good behaviour will make a world of difference! Heather is lucky you not only recognize this is happening but you are willing to work to make life easier for your wife. WAY TO GO!!! If you ever need any help…please feel free to text or e-mail me. Good Luck!!!
Jenn
Kim says:
You are a good man. Heather and Annie are blessed to have you.
Alexandra :) says:
You’re such a good guy, you know that?