When I was in my mid twenties I don’t think I had a single friend with kids, but that’s all changed now that I’m closer to forty than thirty. Today the vast majority of my friends have kids, but not all of them. I’ve still got a good number of friends without kids, and most of them are just fine with that.
There’s a lot of pressure to have kids the older you get. I was talking to a female friend the other day who joked that she dreads going to her annual check-up because her doctor always insists on giving her a speech about how her prime child bearing days are quickly dwindling. That doctor isn’t the only one bugging her and my other childless friends. Parents, relatives, friends – even little old ladies in line at the super market – give them grief about not having kids. They lay on the pressure pretty thick, too, warning them that they’ll regret not having kids, that the meaning of life can only be discovered through parenting, that kids crap diamonds, etc.
All of this pressure saddens me because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not having kids. I always tell my friends they shouldn’t feel pressured into having kids because raising kids is an incredibly difficult job even for those of us who were 100% certain we wanted it. I love my girls more than anything, but I still get frustrated from time to time with the lack of sleep, dirty diapers, endless games of pretend, Nickelodeon cartoons, tantrums at the supermarket, limited free time, rare date nights… you name it. If parenting can be this overwhelming for those of us who wanted the job, what will it be like for those who are lukewarm on the idea?
I often hear people say things like, “Once you have kids you’ll be so happy you did. You won’t regret it!” But what if someone gets pressured into having kids and does regret it? What a crappy situation – for both the parents and the child.
Most of the pressure to have kids comes from people with kids; people who can’t imagine that any life other than their own has value. They’re wrong, of course. Not having children allows time for personal development, nurturing relationships (with partners, friends, nieces, nephews, etc.), developing a career, philanthropy, and a million other great things that, if we’re being honest with ourselves, many parents wish they had more time for in their lives.
Personally, I think it’s awesome that people stand by what they believe and live the life they want in the face of such pressure. And while most people don’t mean any harm when they sing the praises of having children to the childless, they probably should think twice. After all, it’s not like recommending a restaurant… it’s recommending something totally life changing.
Lauren says:
I think the reality is, there ARE a lot of people out there who didn’t want kids, ended up having them and DO regret it. There are a lot of very unhappy people because of this, both the parents and the children who grow up to hate the world.
Kim says:
Completely agree. They generally DON’T grow to love being a parent. They love their kids, but not the job.
Child-free people should definitely not be pressured to have children. Leave them alone.
Rebecca says:
As one of those childfree-by-choice people, thanks, Kim! (and Mike!)
Abigail says:
Joel and I were married for 6 years before we finally decided to start trying for kids. We got married young (I was 20) but I swear to you we got the “you’re not getting any younger” line just a couple years into our marriage! I was like 24!
It’s amazing how people feel they have the right to ask and pressure others about having kids. Even though we felt ready before we started trying I still get overwhelmed thinking about how much things will change. I know it will be worth it because it’s something we both want. But having a kid isn’t like getting a pet or buying a house. No refunds, no exchanges. It’s not for everyone and that is completely okay.
DefendUSA says:
I’ve got nothing against people’s choices. We didn’t get that speech, although I secretly wanted kids for-EVER!!. We were married 5 years and had the first. I do feel bad sometimes that I notice the differences in the lives of those friends who don’t have children. They seem lonely, like the older they are the less they have to occupy their chosen “empty”. Like something is missing.
I have two in college and two in school. When they are all gone and the houses is clean and I come home at night, I find that tv becomes a bore, the silence deafening! I really miss them. I have not found the balance that some do with idleness. I just thank God that I must work for some peacefulness here and there, but I thrive when there is kid chaos and needing to drive the eleven hours to see one of my kids perform with the Michigan Marching Band! Goo Blue, Go Wolfpack!!
Victoria says:
Maybe some couples without children find themselves lonely– maybe, too, those couples didn’t choose to be childfree– but many do not. In my experience, most individuals and couples who are childfree by choice find wholeness and enrichment in the things they pursued instead of parenting. Does that mean they never wonder “what if?” or feel tenderness at the sweet parenting moments they chose not to experience? Of course not… but it also doesn’t mean that those fleeting emotions make them feel regret and emptiness.
But, I do understand the tendency to misperceive people on the “other side”. I know so many parents insist they’re thrilled to have children, but to me, so many parents look miserable.
Liz says:
Just had to say Go Blue too! Woot!
Brandy says:
You rock!! I am 38 and have no desire to have children. I really appreciate your insight. Your post put a big smile on my face. You mean they really don’t crap diamonds?? Lol. Have a great day!!
Susan says:
My husband and I got married later in life (we were both 37) and decided that kids were not in the cards for us. We both have disabled parents and, since I am an only child, know that we may very well be helping out with my dad. It was a tough decision but we believe it was the right one.
Chloe says:
i really appreciate this. i think the expectation is particularly high for women – the common wisdom is that if you don’t have desire to reproduce, you’re missing a key part of what makes you female. that you’re somehow less-than. that for people who don’t have children, they must be sad and wish they’d had the chance. i think i would like a baby or two, but i’m not sure! i also really appreciate my down-time! and the chance to read and travel!
complicated stuff. thanks for posting …
Marie says:
I grew up in the era of no choice in the matter. People got married, people had kids. I always wanted a half dozen but settled for three. As a Catholic we are not supposed to believe in birth control. Which is why my mother’s generation all had many children, well that and really there was no birth control. But thankfully we stopped at 3, just because I had such trouble being pregnant. There is no point to this story really, just that things used to be so very different. I really can’t imagine not having children. I now have 6 grandchildren. Kids are a lot of work, but holy cow they are so much fun too.
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
Heather says:
I get the same pressure with my decision to stick with just one kid. I have a wonderful 4 year old son whom we adore, and it kills me how much grief we get about not having more. I am talking strangers in the grocery store as well as family and friends. They lay it on really thick too, telling me that I am not giving him a wonderful sibling relationship that is so precious. The thing is, I have a great sister but if I didn’t have her all my life, I would not know to miss it. Also, who has a child as a gift to their other child?!?! Every child should be well thought out and planned for, not created as a playmate for the older kid. Having said that, we are only 30 and still have time to have another should WE change our minds.. in the meantime, I wish people would mind their own business. No one can deny what a happy and fulfilled kid my son is.
Suzy says:
Me too, Heather! I have a 6 year old son, who is quite a handful and didn’t sleep through the night until he was 3. My husband was done after that, so we never had another one. I’m almost 39, so I really am out of time. I’m okay with this, but my family isn’t . According to my mother, I’ve subjected him to a lifetime of pain and sadness because he doesn’t have a sibling. I know lots of people who have decided to be one and done. Attempting to guilt me into having another child is really annoying. Just mind your own business!
Erin says:
Suzy,
I think your son will be just fine. I’m an only child, and I think I’ve turned out okay. I still learned to share and play nicely, I had more of my parents’ attention, and I had opportunities (like college) that I might not have had if there had been more children. I don’t think I’ll probably have kids, but if I did, I would be happy to raise an only child.
Tracy says:
Heather and Suzy…I second what Erin said. I’m an only child and grew up asking for a sibling every birthday and Christmas. However, as an adult looking back – I think my parents made the right decision FOR THEIR SITUATION. I went into my marriage, at 18, thinking I’d have three children. After giving birth, at 19, I decided one was a perfectly GREAT number. My second child – although an “oops” has been such a joy…I couldn’t imagine never knowing him.
All this to say – fuck what everyone else says. Do your own thing and answer to yourself.
Candy says:
Mike, thanks for your insight. We are in the same boat, no kids and no desire to have them. A big part of this decision is because my husband, (also a Mike), has a mobility disability. This means there’s a 50% chance if we were to conceive, the child would be born with his complication. We don’t know what the future holds for him and his mobility and to add a 2nd person with the same issues would be difficult to manage. Somehow people don’t understand this and we still get the questions from time to time.
We’ve decided to focus on each other, on traveling and on our careers. We have each other and we aren’t lonely in the evenings when there’s nothing on tv. It’s all about soul searching and deciding what the couple really wants – kids or not and being happy with it.
Heather says:
My sister is childfree (not childless, I’ve learned there is a big difference between the two) and fortunately my family respects that. I know she’s had people pressure her in the past about it, but she has some significant mental health concerns relating to her raising children (BPD and depression) that really makes her decision that much stronger.
She has also had some outside pressure to have children. The most twisted one was when she was applying for socialized housing here, rent geared to income subsidy here is based on the individual, not the housing complex. Her mental health makes is difficult to work a full time job. There is a lengthy wait list for single people, between 4 and 7 years. When she asked if there was anything she could do to get up the list faster, the clerk told her she could have a baby because the wait list was much shorter for single parent families.
Needless to say, we were appalled that this was the advice she was given, especially when she was 25, dealing with significant issues with her own well being, living at poverty line.
Some people in society are so child focused, they are blind to the idea of individuals not having kids… even when they shouldn’t or don’t want to.
Margie says:
You’re right, Mike. I planned my son but yet I don’t think there was something missing in my life before he arrived. I’ve heard people say that they feel complete now. I guess that is all fine and dandy for them if it was their life’s mission to be a parent but I don’t think of like that. At least, for me, I don’t. I guess my son is like those extra fries people give you at the drive-thru. The combo was great but with extra fries, the whole thing has just been elevated. And yes, I just called my son extra fries.
Amber says:
Margie, this is fantastic! Totally the way I think about children. I don’t have any yet, but my life’s mission has NEVER been to be a parent. It’s just something extra. And I love the french fry analogy (if you knew just how much I love french fries ….)
Margie says:
I love me a nice chunky fries, Amber. Mmmm…now, if it was smothered in chili and cheese, well, now you’re talking.
I love my son but I enjoyed my life before he was here. It was a good life. Then, we planned him and lo and behold, he is awesome even if he isn’t covered in chili and cheese. He had the chunky part down though.
Erin says:
Thank you, Mike! You’re my hero of the day. I wish the people who pressure others to have kids would remember that they don’t know what is happening behind closed doors. They may be laying on a guilt trip to a couple who have tried and found themselves unable to have children. I know way too many people who have had fertility issues to believe that “just having a baby” is an easy thing. People would do a lot better to mind their own business. I also hear “were they not able to have children of their own?” in a pity voice regarding a friend who recently adopted three children out of foster care. It’s no one’s business really, but I always point out that this was the way they are CHOOSING to have children, not some consolation prize.
marslo says:
I think this is key – nobody knows what’s going on behind closed doors. Infertility is like walking around with an open wound – everything reminds you that you have tried and failed to have a child. There is nothing worse than being challenged about your failure as if it were a choice. Especially since the alternatives are to play along or be forced to reveal something so intensely painful and personal. Thanks for writing this, Mike! We should all just be more accepting of each other.
Editdebs (Debbie A-H) says:
I have always wanted children, and I didn’t really understand people who didn’t want kids–until I had a child. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so, so, so happy I have my son. (I wish we’d been able to have more children, but that was not to be.) But being a parent is hard. I really think you should only do it if you really want to. People should mind their own business and let everyone live the lives they are called to: childfree, lots of kids, single kid.
DB says:
Thanks for this Mike! I’m 30 and have little to no desire to have children and that often makes me feel like an outcast. I just wish that the Golden Rule went both ways here – I respect when others choose to have children (and often excited and delighted for them!), why can’t they have the same sentiment for me?
Angela says:
Thank you for this. I’m 46 – never married, never had a child, now in menopause. I would’ve liked to have had a child – but I’ve never met someone I wanted to marry. And I had no desire to take on the work and responsibility of raising a child alone.
I have friends that are single parents and I am in awe of everything they do. My friends gladly lend me their kids when I want to go to the zoo with someone. I spoil my nieces and nephews.
And then I go home to my cats and enjoy being able to pursue my interests.
Susan says:
I always have a hard time understanding how someone thinks they can tell someone to have kids, when it is such an intensely personal decision, and the weight of that decision will forever and always ultimately rest on the people who have the child.
I’ve seen examples of people who had children without personally wanting one and regretted it. After being told how it would all change once the child was born, and how it was the best thing that would ever happen to them, they still found themselves with the same feelings. It is sad, and unfortunate.
Somewhat off topic, I’ve also found people will just as often tell someone they SHOULDN’T be having children; sometimes right after the person announced they were pregnant. Again, intensely personal decision. People have their (often strongly held) opinions, but the decision entirely falls on the people making that choice. In most cases, no amount of outside commentary will change that person’s feelings on the issue.
Rebecca says:
“the weight of that decision will forever and always ultimately rest on the people who have the child.”
And on the child him/herself! Imagine the damage to someone’s self esteem, feeling as though one’s parent had a kid just because of external pressure but didn’t really want one, and didn’t enjoy being a parent. *shudder*
Liz says:
I’ve met a lot of people in my life, and I’d say a good portion of them should never EVER have children. Some would just plain suck at it, and others would just really hate it because they wouldn’t have the freedom and luxuries they have now. I know a few couples that are now well beyond their child-bearing years and are perfectly happy having never had children. Just because I’m happier than I’ve ever been because of my 8 month old little boy doesn’t mean they would feel the same way, and that’s perfectly okay. I would never tell them they missed out.
Kim says:
I have 3 kids that I adore, but that aside, yes, yes, yes, Mike!!!!
kakali says:
Raising children is very hard and it’s even much harder to raise the children with autism. Most of the moms who have autistic children are quite depressed because there are so many challenges and they never thought before their children were born that their life would totally change forever. There are so many parents sacrifice their career to stay home to take care of the autistic children. Yes, it is tough decision!!!!!!!!!
Adrianne says:
I totally agree with you, Mike! Being a mother is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. Of course it’s also the most rewarding. (Why do I feel like I HAVE to say that? To justify it?!) I can’t imagine doing all of the things I have to do for my daughter if I didn’t want her in the first place.
So I think your message is a good one, and one that all parents should adhere to. Before I had my daughter, I always joked with my husband that the reason all of our parent friends bugged us about having a kid was so that we’d join in their misery:) Now that I have my own, I of course know that isn’t totally accurate and there is so much joy in motherhood. I think that when I hope that certain friends have kids, it’s because I want a more similar lifestyle, as I am finding it very difficult to maintain my social life as a mother, especially with my non-parent friends. Sorry, I’m rambling now, but I really appreciate this post and the reminder that parenting just isn’t for everyone and that’s ok!!
Kate says:
Amen! Thank you Mike.
Meredith says:
Well said Mike! I love reading your posts
Tracy says:
Thanks Mike. I am 43, married late at 40 and never once had the desire for kids. Luckily my family never gave me grief about it. But I have had plenty of others, both strangers and friends give their opinions on the matter. Most along the lines of how selfish I must be. Anyway thanks and I appreciate this post!
Dawn K says:
I was older when I had my kids. I really wanted children and had two miscarraiges before I had my two girls, who are both now in college. I love my kids; I wanted them, but in hindsight, I am not sure, knowing what I know now about the hardship of raising children, that I would do it again. Parenthood is not for sissies! Even if you think you want kids, raising them will still be the hardest but most rewarding thing you will ever do!
Heather says:
Great post, Mike.
As a woman who doesn’t want children, the pressure I face is astounding. I never knew so many people had such an interest in my uterus and its contents, or lack thereof. But coworkers, doctors, strangers, cashiers…they are all so attentive on that topic!
And worse than the pressure is the dismissals when I tell people my choice. “Oh, you’ll change your mind!” “What? Wouldn’t you just love a girl to dress up?” “Aren’t you worried about dying alone?”
Also, I feel very dismissed by some people, primarily family, because I’m not one of the cousins who has a million kids. I’m down here in LA just fartin’ around, not making much of myself and doing anything meaningful, in their eyes. But I just want to say, hey we’re the people you can swear and get drunk around!
So, it’s a frustrating existence at times, but it’s still totally the right choice for me and my husband. I love my nieces and nephews and friends’ children, but I can give them back when they get fussy. I know I wouldn’t be a good parent – I like order and quiet and lots of alone time. I’m much better as an aunt and a dog mom. I’ll leave the hard stuff to the real pros.
That said, my husband and I are in LOVE with Annie and we secretly hope that we’ll have a Spohr family sighting someday! I promise we won’t be creepy if it happens, but I might squeal a little.
dc says:
This comment took the words right out of my mouth.
Thank you for writing this post, Mike.
Lindsey says:
What a great, thoughtful post — so well written! I hate to say it but I think I am one of those middle-aged busy-bodies who has been guilty of saying, flippantly, “when are you going to have kids”, “you’re missing the best thing in life” , etc. I feel bad now and I know I will avoid that kind of comment forever more (especially after reading these comments). What you might think is a benign, joshing comment can be very hurtful and I am a changed woman thanks to this post. Good job, Mike!
Mommy says:
I could not love my kids more, and for ME, without being a parent, my life would not feel complete. But- for those that don’t have children, I say, good on them. There is nothing more in life that you should NOT do just because everyone else wants you to. I completely respect the people who choose not to have kids, because, like you said, what a miserable situation for parents and child if they do regret/resent their decision. The same can be true for getting married- if it’s not for you, don’t do it! It’s better for everyone involved than doing something you think you might regret later just to be like everyone else.
I also can’t stand the biological clock talk- like women don’t freaking now that our child baring years are numbered? Back off everyone! I can keep track of my egg producing on my own, thank you very much!
Great post, as usual!
Mommy says:
Ughhhh excuse all my typos. My phone hates me.
Laura says:
Ugh, SERIOUSLY, thank you for saying how annoying it is when people remind you your child bearing years are numbered. YES YES YES to that. I’m 33, single, never married and no kids… and though I’m at peace with my current situation, I wouldn’t say I’m thrilled with it and I do worry that I might run out of time to experience pregnancy and have a child. I’m PAINFULLY aware of it, and I have ended a friendship because I had a friend who kept saying things like, “well why don’t you just go and get a husband then?” Like you can just pick them out at the grocery store and pay for them at the till.
Much like it’s hurtful to hear all the reasons why you should be popping out kids if you’re struggling quietly with infertility, it’s also really painful to hear when you want nothing more than to have a family but haven’t found the right partner yet. If everyone could just live and let live, it would be a lot more peaceful.
Megan says:
Thank you for this post. I’m almost 30 and still unsure about kids. As I’ve gotten older and realized there’s way more to parenthood than just the warm and fuzzy, I’m feeling less and less like having a child would be a good thing for me. I’m also single, so I suspect if I fell in love with a guy who really wanted kids, I’d be more likely to go for it.
I’m lucky that my family and friends are mostly great and don’t put a lot of pressure on me. I feel a lot of pressure anyway, worrying about time and that I’ll regret whatever ultimately happens. My biggest fear is that I’ll become that older person wishing I’d had kids.
But one of my friends says if I don’t really, really want kids, don’t have them. How do you know if parenthood is right for you?
Meg says:
The funny part is that it doesn’t stop once you’ve had a kid because everyone then starts pressuring you to have another! “Oh, you don’t want him to be an only child, do you? etc, etc.
Ryan says:
From all the other comments, it sounds like no matter what you decide- there are critics. I had 3 kids in 4 years- now all I hear is “I hope you are finished now”, “you’re not going to have any more, ARE YOU?”, “is THIS the last one?” and on and on. Maybe we’re done, maybe not- my husband and I haven’t decided. The more judged I am, the more aware I am to carefully not judge others’ decisions. Whatever you decide about your family is up to you!
Beth says:
Thank you for this so much! I am 31 and my husband and I still not sure if we will have kids – we are very content in our life – not to say I don’t love all of my friend’s children, but I also feel like my friends with children look down on me a bit because I don’t have them yet and may not ever. I will be sharing this blog post, it’s so thoughtful and anyway, I’m rambling – I just really appreciate it!
Even without kids, I’ve been a fan of this blog for years – you guys are awesome and I can’t wait for the Acrobat to arrive!
Paula says:
Just after my second miscarriage a stranger at the market made the almost fatal mistake of asking me if I had children and when I replied no, off she went…assuming that I had chosen to be childless. After her second or third cliche about how I would be lonely blah blah I lost the plot and let her have it. Left my groceries in the cart and walked out seething. Only to collapse in a sobbing heap when I reached the safety of home.
I’m now a mum to the most precious girl and having her has eased some of the pain of those years but I would never pressure someone. There is too much hidden under our facades to assume anything.
KaraB says:
This struck home for me. I can’t have kids and everytime someone asks me when I’m going to or why don’t I have kids, it’s like a knife to the gut. I try and just blow it off as no big deal, but it hurts.
Paula says:
Kara, I am so sorry. I hope you can find your peace and comfort. It is a hard hard road to travel and I am so aware that while my journey ended with a wee miracle many other women are not so blessed. Hugs.
Rebecca says:
Agreed, Mike – thanks! Though I personally prefer the term “childfree” for myself.
Carrie says:
LOVE this post. My brother and his wife do not have any interest in having kids, although they *may* consider adopting down the road. And people give them so much grief about it! I have another pair of friends who chose not to have kids (wisely so, in this particular case) and they had someone tell them that they were being selfish! I do not get it.
San says:
I loved this, Mike. I am in my mid-30’s and are constantly asked about having kids, especially since my sister already has two. I don’t know if it’s in the card for me/us… but I want to be ok if we decide to not become parents.
Veronika says:
I partially agree with your post. For myself, I really don’t give a hoot if someone chooses to have plenty, stop at two, have only one or choose to have none. Not my business, not my life, make your own choices. But what really burns my butt is when people choose not to have kids and then tell everyone what a great job they would have done if they were the ones raising kids. Or all the things they would have done “right” as opposed to the actual parents raising kids. Or how they should be the ones having kids (you know, with their superior knowledge of what kids need and awesome genes and all) instead of the “breeders” having kids. It’s all good if you don’t want kids, but don’t bash the parents actually doing the job. That’s just ignorant, toting that you would do it better but chose not to.
So, Mike. You said: “Most of the pressure to have kids comes from people with kids; people who can’t imagine that any life other than their own has value.” Tut-tut. For some reason, that particular line just rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it’s the implication that parents think only their lives have value, maybe it’s the total disregard for so many single people who think exactly the same thing. In my experience, the single people I know are much more centered on their own lives and having fun and focusing only on themselves. Sometimes, when I have a particularly bad day, I do look at childless friends and think that I wish I could just hang out, drinking wine, having not a care in the world other than myself. But you know what? As much as they love their lives, I love mine too. At the end of the day, I love having little people to snuggle and put to bed. But the childfree people need to realize that making a different choice does not give them carte blanche to insult and belittle the lives of those who chose another life. (Guess where my exprience lies?)
And to open another can of worms, I know some people who have chosen to be childfree and they really should never be responsible for another human being. I would seriously fear for a child in this person’s home. I also know people who chose parenthood, who really should never have had children. And lastly, I know childfree people who would make awesome parents.
Alexandra says:
I don’t understand why that line rubs you the wrong way since, as you said, you “really don’t give a hoot if someone chooses to have plenty, stop at two, have only one or choose to have none. Not my business, not my life, make your own choices.” It doesn’t apply to you, so why are you offended?
I haven’t decided if I want children. ALL the pressure I get to have them comes from my friends with kids. But I wouldn’t paint them all parents with the same brush the way you painted all childfree people. I don’t tell people how to parent. I don’t call parents “breeders.”
You’re saying that you don’t want people belittling your choices, but then your whole comment is bitter and mean. I mean this sincerely: Why are you so sensitive?
Connie says:
I knew from a very early age I didn’t want children. I LOVE KIDS. but never wanted my own. Funny story– we paid for a gate between my neighbors house (Who had a baby on her own with a donor) so she could let her two 9 months old dogs into our yard when she was overwhelmed with the dogs. OMG- it is the most amusing thing ever. My dog, who is 6 or 7 now barks at her fence when the “boys don’t come over”. I guess my point is.. Don’t want babies, but I so support “it takes a village, as creative as that is”. She has a 9 day old baby.
JT says:
Thank you so much for this post, Mike! I’m turning 30 in two months and most of my friends have kids, are having kids or want to have kids soon. I’ve been feeling a little left out and like my life doesn’t matter as much to them since I don’t have or want to have kids. I also got volunteered for something at work (having to potentially work 12 hour days and Saturdays soon) because I don’t have kids. So I’ve been a little depressed and annoyed recently, so this post was perfect timing.
Amy says:
Thank you for this, Mike.
leslie says:
Another aspect for strangers to consider before pressuring people for children, the hurt that those questions cause those who are trying for a child and have yet to find success.
Honestly we should all just stay out of each other’s reproductive business.
Maris says:
Thanks for the post. I’m 30 & married for almost 7 years. We don’t feel like anything is missing yet & I have some health issues to resolve before we have kids. We do get pressure. My new neighbors said “you better have kids or why’d you get such a big house” within 2 minutes of meeting. They’re our age but with 3 kids. They started accidentally while they were in college. I don’t judge them & they shouldn’t judge us. I know a lot of ppl probably think I’m infertile bc we’ve been married so long. It’s really annoying…the other day I was watching a video on YouTube by this shaycarl person, he said people who don’t have children “are a waste of skin”. His wife reprimanded him & he played it off as a joke. He had 4 kids very early. To each their own, just wish ppl would stop being so mcjudgeypants. I always really really your posts. So excited for you guys to have another baby.
Amelia says:
*high five*
Very true.
Auntie_M says:
Thank you for standing up for couples (or singles) who are of child-bearing age but don’t have children for whatever reason. I wish people would think prior to laying on such a weird “guilt trip” (for lack of a better word) on people. Especially if they don’t know the reasons behind such choices…perhaps the couple is dealing with the heart-break of infertility…or perhaps one of them came from a background of such horrible abuse it’s made him/her afraid to be a parent…or perhaps they are wise enough to know that they feel sufficient unto themselves & simply don’t want anything but the 2 of them….or they are fulfilled with their relationship and careers. Who is anyone else to question or put pressure on them?
The same goes for couples who have a child & are continually asked when they will have another… Drives me insane.
Perhaps because there is nothing I would have loved more than to have a child: instead I got a chronic illness and the warning that pregnancy would most likely kill me. So my nieces &nephews are everything to me. And I learned not to ask dumb questions after having been pierced by that blade myself by strangers.
Mike: what a great friend you are for simply accepting your friends & their family choices without pressuring them to be like you!
Lenora says:
Thanks for the post Mike. I’m also one of those childless by choice people (single, too). Luckily, I haven’t been pressured by people and I’ve never heard from a doctor about my child bearing years. I think too many people in this world have children without thinking about it and I admire people who thoughtfully decide no matter what the decision is.
Heather B. says:
Just repeating what everyone else said which is THANK YOU. I’m very fortunate to have friends and family who do not ask when I will be having children because they know it is none of their business and they do not presume to think that I want them (they know I want children because I talk about it openly) but they are never intrusive or critical of me or my life. They know that I have a perfectly fine and fulfilling life and that I’m allowed to be tired and busy and stressed without children. This post and hearing stories of other people’s friends makes me appreciate my friendships even more.
Sunny says:
I really, really appreciate this. We wanted children. We went to great lengths to have children. In the end, we did foster care and adopted a child out of the system. Son was 11 when he came to us, 13 when his adoption was finalized. He’s now an adult living on his own, with a child of his own. So…parenting to grandparents in less than 10 years!
Although this is not what we planned for our lives, we’re very content with our lives, and can’t imagine how different things would be if we would have had biological children or would have adopted an infant. I love our freedom, and foster parenting led us to very fulfilling career changes.
Despite our happiness, my sister is sure we are less than fulfilled with life in general. It’s very demeaning and very hurtful to be thought of this way. To her, my life is “damaged” because I didn’t grow a human in my uterus.
Again, your open mindedness in this is a breath of fresh air. We’re thought of as selfish because we take trips, go to movies, have a nice house, pets that we spoil rotten, etc, etc…
Laura says:
I’m a 40 year old first time new wife that has not only been inundated with “when are you going to have kids?” but “what the hell are you thinking of having kids at your age for?” as well. Let me tell you: society LOVES making demands on women to be mothers and man, does it suck.
I ran the gambit and did the very violating and expensive fertility tests (too much stress was the diagnosis) as well as dealing with high pressuring relatives, talking and being with friends with kids and endured this till my hair actually fell out at an alarming rate. What did I find out from all this experience?
1. Not everyone who had kids wanted them. It’s one of those ugly truths that no one is allowed to talk about. God forbid! Unfortunately I’ve not only witnessed the parents that can’t stand the chores that go with kids but a good chunk that resent the kids as well for stealing their old life. To me, these are the people who had a child out of wedlock or thought that a child would complete them and ended up very wrong.
2. Some mothers who love their kids have no qualms about putting down those who do not. They like to pressure them into joining their lifestyle and at the same time use it as ammunition, “you have all the time in the world – but I don’t anymore.” Not all moms are like this but it seems that the new moms really have a resentment towards the childless gals out there for whatever reason, loss of freedom, identity, whatever. It feels like a self-justification on their part every time.
3. Some women have kids to make up for a lack of identity and the result is there is nothing else to talk about except kids. Not politics, religion, anything… even celebrity gossip, nothing. They like to hand the phone to their child while you’re talking and suddenly you’re wondering why you’re chatting with a toddler. If you even think of changing the subject, it’s usually changed back.
4. People that are abrasive towards others that are childless really didn’t have much of a life before kids or sacrificed a life to have them. This one I see the most. My friends that are parents that are well adjusted have no qualms about balancing a life of their own along side their kids. Others gave up a career and didn’t realize the impact it would have on them in the long run or they got pregnant really young and that’s all they know. The latter is the worst. I’ve had handfuls invite me on outings with their kids and do nothing except shoo the kids to go play while they bitch, bitch, bitch about everything that pisses them off all the time. They’re the ones that are gossips, too.
5. Having kids is YOUR decision and nobody else’s damn business. Nor do you owe an explanation to anyone, even a parent.
I’m growing my hair back and doing better. I’m coming to terms that I never fantasized about having kids… Just thought it would happen when it did. Now that it probably isn’t, I’ve decided to focus on me. I’m tired of society pigeonholing my spouse and me into a stereotype but the one thing I know for sure is that I’m looking forward to traveling as well as being happy and spoiling my niece and nephew. That’s enough for me!
Lori says:
I wanted kids ever since I was one. It wasn’t until I was 33, morbidly obese (330+ pounds–I was too afraid to know the exact number), borderline suicidal, a BEYOND miserable teacher (I loved most of the kids; the system sucked) and literally on the verge of being hospitalized for severe high blood pressure, that I met my husband. This man–brilliant (literally: IQ of 174), hilarious and kind, who cherishes me the way even my mother couldn’t (I was an infertility baby)–is the oldest of 8 siblings and has never wanted kids. I started thinking–hmmm, even if I want them, WHY do I want them? Is it just an expectation; people just HAVE kids, it’s just a…thing? Is it a good idea for me to have them? I can still enjoy kids and not have any of my own. I am a born nurturer; I mother just about everyone I meet anyway. Five years later and married for going on 3 years to the same dude (and 115 pounds lighter, so far), I know it was the right decision. I get incredibly guilty if I get snippy with my CAT, anxiety is terrible for both myself and my husband, and we both go through nasty depressive episodes wherein taking adequate care of another human being is not just inadvisable, but impossible. No, parenting is not for us, and we deeply appreciate those who understand this. We have been bingoed a thousand times. It’s nice to be validated. Thanks. And your daughters (and the Acrobat) are darling.
Lori says:
I wanted kids ever since I was one. It wasn’t until I was 33, morbidly obese (330+ pounds–I was too afraid to know the exact number), borderline suicidal, a BEYOND miserable teacher (I loved most of the kids, but not the system) and literally on the verge of being hospitalized for severe high blood pressure, that I met my husband. This man–brilliant (literally: IQ of 174), hilarious and kind, who cherishes me the way even my mother couldn’t (I was an infertility baby)–is the oldest of 8 siblings and has never wanted kids. I started thinking–hmmm, even if I want them, WHY do I want them? Is it just an expectation; people just HAVE kids, it’s just a…thing? Is it a good idea for me to have them? I can still enjoy kids and not have any of my own. I am a born nurturer; I mother just about everyone I meet anyway. Five years later and married for going on 3 years to the same dude (and 115 pounds lighter, so far), I know it was the right decision. I get incredibly guilty if I get snippy with my CAT, anxiety is terrible for both myself and my husband, and we both go through nasty depressive episodes wherein taking adequate care of another human being is not just inadvisable, but impossible. No, parenting is not for us, and we deeply appreciate those who understand this. We have been bingoed a thousand times. It’s nice to be validated. Thanks. And your daughters (and the Acrobat) are darling.
Lori says:
Sorry about the double post. Apparently my connection is experimenting techmological differences (10 points if you get the reference). : )