The photo seen above was taken last night when I went to dinner with Heather, Maddie, and our pal, Dana. Maddie, because of her well documented health issues, is a tad Garbo-esque, so her making a public appearance is rare. Because of this, the paparazzi (or at least the folks at the restaurant) went plantains over her. (FYI…going plantains is like going bananas but even more so.) We were having a great time as we sat outside the restaurant drinking sangria and chatting even though every five minutes or so our discussion was interrupted by the World Famous Maddie Moo’s fans.
“How old is she?”
“What a beautiful baby!”
“What’s her name!”
Maddie smiled graciously each time, but totally sent me an annoyed glance when no one was looking that said, “Can’t I just have my privacy? I’m a baby like any other!”
Anyhoo…toward the end of the night I caught sight of this old lady in the restaurant who had a full on stalker stare locked on Maddie. I tried to ignore it and went about my dinner.
Nevertheless…
At one point – for COMEDIC EFFECT – I took a French fry off Heather’s plate and put the tip in Maddie’s mouth and announced, “Look! Maddie likes fries!”
I was joking, and, of course, was not going to let my baby eat the fry….HOWEVER…when I looked through the window at the old lady she was shaking her head and scrunching up her nose as if I had just thrown Maddie into a steaming cauldron and was adding salt to the mix while cackling like a mad man. I looked away, horrified. Heather said, “What’s that face about? Did someone give you a dirty look?” I nodded, and Heather and Dana looked inside where the old lady was now practically holding up a picket sign protesting my parenting skills.
This whole deal upset me more than it should have because of the sangria…I mean…because I pride myself on being a good dad. As time went on, however, I came to understand why she glared at me, and was so glad that she set me straight because she was totally right in judging me and my parenting skills.
So!
With no further adieu!
Here is my official letter of thanks to the old lady!
7/28/08
Dear Busy Body Old Lady:
Thank you so much for ignoring your husband your entire dinner and instead staring at my child with a creepy, blank visage for two hours. This so improved my dining experience! I also want to sincerely thank you for glaring at me as if I was a Klansman at the Democratic National Convention after I put a French fry in my daughter’s mouth. At the time I thought I was making a harmless joke, but now, thanks to you, I realize I was seconds away from grabbing all of the fries off of Heather’s plate and cramming them down my tiny baby’s throat. The more I think about it, if you hadn’t made a show of sending eye daggers my way, I might have snatched the poached salmon off of Heather’s plate as well as the skirt steak sandwich Dana was eating and crammed them down my thirteen pound baby’s throat. You know…because I am stupid…and need creepy old ladies to keep me in place.
I also want to thank you because I know that when you had a baby….way, way back when…you never did anything that could compromise your child’s health even though statistics show that the vast majority of women your age smoked cigarettes with a child in utero and thus caused many birth defects. You also likely drank when your child was cooking, something which once again has been proven by those pesky statistics. What’s that? No one told you back then that it was bad to smoke and drink as a pregnant Mom? Gee. I guess you wish there had been a busy body old bitch judging you at a restaurant back in the day in order to make you realize you were a bad mom.
Anyway, thanks again, mean old lady. You succeeded in making me feel like shit.
Sincerely,
A Dad worse than O.J. Simpson
P.S.
The following photo spread is all for you, you buzzkilling, decrepid, first night out in ages ruining bitch!!!
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
My Z has pretty much been surviving on chips, tea and table scraps for the past few months. He begs more than our dog.
Does that help?
Does maddie REALLY need the super size fries? You know that childhood obesity is on the rise, don’t you???
jenns last blog post..letting go of guilt
“Way, way back when…”
Hahahahaha. That cracked me up.
On the other hand, you shouldn’t be feeding your baby French fries. Instead, I recommend a baked potato with cream, onions, and bacon. It’s much more nutritious.
Susies last blog post..My Wild Adventures: The College Series
5:54 AM. French Fries. They still sound good.
Black Hockey Jesuss last blog post..Questions Answers Lies
FRICKIN’ HILARIOUS!!!
Maddie has the most beautiful of glowing smiles I’ve ever seen on a child. Especially as she stuffs herself with fries!!!
Gins last blog post..Uh, okay. If you say so!!
Don’t let her get to you, Mike. She’s just got nothing better going on in her life, and isn’t that terribly sad? You ARE a good dad.
See me being all nice and sensitive? That’s ’cause I feel bad for teasing you about Rigby. You’re a good dad to Rigby, too. I bet you even let her finish those fries for Maddie!
LOVE the pictures. She is so photogenic. I once almost sufficated my daughter with a plastic bag at the grocery store. Luckily there was a busy body old bitch to make me realize what I was about to do. It was a close call.
Rachels last blog post..Screw The Early Bird
I’m in stitches here. And dying for McD’s french fries. Great post.
merlotmoms last blog post..You Kiss Your Children With That Mouth?
You need to send that to McDs. She’d be the best spokesperson ever!!!!!
Jills last blog post..And… he’s off
Maddie would have loved the blogher cheeseburger party
alis last blog post..made famous well before Ashton Kutcher…
ROFL – I loved the whole story, but that last picture was the bomb! I almost want to put it on my wall and send eye-daggers at it for two hours.
Alices last blog post..Tale from the Radiator Underworld
I’m not an old lady with a “creepy, blank visage” (at least I don’t think I am), however I probably would have stared at Maddie for two hours, too! She seriously has one of the cutest little faces ever. E-V-E-R.
I totally understood why she stared; Maddie is hands down the cutest baby ever (and I have 4 really cute ones myself!).
Poo on old ladies with bad attitudes. Those photos ROCK!
Kristins last blog post..So when are you going to have kids?
I’m now convinced Heather and I should have whipped around with our cameras and started taking pictures of the sour puss…and then bought her husband a drink for having to live with her.
…I’m still laughing over here….
This is my first time here & She is so Beautiful! I hate people like that. It’s like get a life, turn around & mind your own damn ugly mug.
Manic Moms last blog post..Breasts & Burgers
Dude- I hate people.
I think we both know what it feels like to be a celebrity handler. You with maddie, me with my tiwns. It’s like- I do not want to be stared down everywhere I go! I now know whata celebrity feels like. Sheesh.
Love the pics.
mayas last blog post..Celebs
You do know she is the most beautiful baby ever, right?? And I think my 2 girls are pretty darn beautiful!!! Old, crazy lady was probably just mesmerized by those amazing eyes Maddie has!
Nonetheless, the letter was heelarious! And the pictures…A-Dorable!!!
Is she 13 pounds already! Amazing! Good girl!
Great pics!!
P.S. We wouldn’t have dreamed of giving our first baby french fries. By baby #2, not an issue. Occasional french fries won’t hurt them!
Well you gave one to yours, imagine what she would have done to see mine eating a whole case??
I personally think you should send McD’s the photos and see if she can’t become the next spokesperson. Course then you would have a posse after you with the old lady leading the way.
Angelas last blog post..Hope
She is such a doll! Now if you had her wearing the box on her head, she’d fit right into BlogHer:)
Mary Beths last blog post..LIKE HAIRS THROUGH A COMB, SO GO THE STRANDS OF OUR LIVES
LOVE Maddie’s Smile.. if only we could hear the commentary while that picture was being taken..
OMG, she’s so gorgeous! Oh yeah, and Maddie is cute, too!
Dude. Thank you for posting this, because I had NO idea that french fries were lethal to babies. Could explain Zach’s eye problem, as he LOVES french fries and has for months.
And that little girl is so freakin’ cute I can’t stand it. I might kidnap her. But I’d bring her back before bedtime so as to not compromise her health.
She looks like she can fit in the french fries holder!!
Mrs Moguls last blog post..Pop Stuff
Awesome post today Mike. Stupid nosy lady!!! By the way, that is absolutely my favorite Maddie/Daddy photo yet! You look really good with the buzz!
Love it!
OMG, the letter cracked me up but it was the photos at the end that got me practically rolling on the floor!! Man, that girl is personality plus! Anyway……can you please compose a letter to the old bag who told me off at IHOP because I brought my 2 year old’s mini DVD player along with us? Because there is always a 15 minute wait for a table and another 20 minutes for food and by then he would have officially flipped his lid if there hadn’t been some other source of entertainment besides the 3 stupid crayons they give to 2 year olds who would rather eat them instead of color with them?? Or, maybe it was the same old lady and you just told her off for both of us….
HeatherPrides last blog post..Mars and Venus Make a Bottle
Wait! Hold it!
Giving French fries to babies is bad????
(Love those pics. It’s as if the middle one is saying “Halleuia! I have the fries!!”)
Danielles last blog post..B Never Too Busy To Be Beautiful
Honestly dude, I don’t know how your daughter can physically be that cute. SHE DEFIES THE LAWS OF REASON. Her glee is absolutely infectious. Lordy.
Judgemental ladies are the worst. I had S at the movies a few weeks ago. He was bad, so I took him out and we played in the hallway. Then he cried a bunch so I took him into the bathroom to try to reason with him. (Okay, mistake.) This lady comes out of the stall doing this huge melodramatic ear muffling gesture and shaking her head like she’s going to win an Oscar for portraying a total bitch. Of course, I cried about it.
Marias last blog post..swelling with pride. or something.
Dude, you bought those fries just for this post didn’t you?
One weekend together and I already KNOW YOU.
moosh in indy.s last blog post..Trots E. Cheese
You absolutely have to get that kid an agent. She is just too cute! (Might want to lay off the French fries, though. The camera adds 10 pounds….)
Karens last blog post..And today’s stewing point is…
You should have let that ol’ biddy in on the fact that you let Maddie have a Keg party the other night also! I’m sure she would have enjoyed that knowledge – Ha!!
Dawns last blog post..Godzilla Attacks
OMG is Maggie ever cute. I think she’s one of the cutest babies ever – aside from mine of course!
Fries and beer? Dude, I think I love you!
That is the funniest thing EVER! Those pictures are priceless–go print out this post & pics and put them in a scrap book for her! I hate busy bodies like that…they’re right up there with the old ladies that tell you how adorable and fat your baby is.
Christys last blog post..When The Husband Is Away…
This is hilarious… I love the pictures of Maddie!
Allisons last blog post..8 weeks to go…
Now hold on a GD second here!!! Do you mean to tell me that french fries are a baby no-no??!?!?!?
I gotta take the side of the old lady in this one though. We all know that Wendy’s fries are better than McDonald’s… AND YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!!
I emailed this post to my wife to read. She has a very similar level of cynicism/sarcasm, and I’m sure she’ll thoroughly enjoy reading it.
Joes last blog post..This feels strange
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