Recently actress Marilu Henner was featured on “60 Minutes” for possessing a rare and amazing ability they referred to as “superior autobiographical memory.” Also known as Hyperthymesia, a “super autobiographical memory” enables a person to remember almost every day of his or her life. Henner demonstrated this gift by reciting what she had for lunch on August 12th, 1974, as well where and when she bought every pair of shoes in her closet. I found this segment on Henner fascinating because, in the wake of Maddie’s passing, I would give anything to be able to remember every day of my life with her.
I have always had a tremendous memory for facts and figures. As a boy I could recite the stats for all eight hundred plus major league baseball players, and even today I can tell you which movie theater I screened each of the 1,500+ movies I’ve watched over the years. However, when it comes to remembering details of my life – even simple ones like the name of my third grade teacher – I am woefully inadequate.
Heather, on the hand, excels at this kind of memory. She will often talk in great detail about specific days we spent with Maddie, and too often I will have little to no memory of them. I enjoy hearing Heather reminisce about these days, but it would be disingenuous of me to say I wasn’t jealous. I only had five hundred and fourteen days with Maddie, and the fact that I remember far less breaks my heart.
Memory is a peculiar thing. We live in a world where people like Henner remember every moment of their life while others with Alzheimer’s can’t remember even a few preceding moments. As for me, I’ve begun, at Heather’s suggestion, to write down every memory of my life with Maddie. I’m also actively looking for other ways to preserve my memory of sweet Maddie Moo. The good news is that, although we are all at mercy of the limitations of our individual bodies and minds, nothing – not even my tired old noggin – can take away the amazing bond I have with my beautiful little girl.
Veronika says:
My memory is the same as yours. I remember so many things that just mean nothing in the big scheme of things, but when I look at photos of my children, there are so many things I only remember because of the photos. If not for that moment captured in time, I would forget so much more. I think Heather’s idea is great, one I will definitely have to borrow for myself. {{ hugs }}
Elle says:
I’m so glad you had that special bond with Maddie and writing down your memories of her is such a great idea. You’re an excellent father and I know your girls adore you.
Jenn says:
AAhh Mike, I cry for you my friend. HOWEVER, I truly DO believe Maddie WILL ALWAYS be WITH YOU!!! Whenever you feel badly, close your eyes and please take solace of that.
Sending you a hug. I miss Maddie too….very much!
Take Care.
Love,
Jenn
Jennifer says:
It’s good that you’re starting to write your memories with Maddie. Very often, one detail will lead to another – you’ll start remembering a day and in the writing of it, more will come to you than you thought you’d remember.
Be good to yourself. She knows you remember her.
Nikki says:
Beautifully written. I 100% agree. Pick a starting place and go from there, and who knows what you will find that you remember! Also remember that Maddie knows that the most intense memories of her are in your heart.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
m says:
Don’t feel too bad, Mike. You’re focusing on the good aspects of a strong autobiographical memory. But there are also many, many bad aspects. You wouldn’t just remember the good times; you’d also remember the bad. There are many experiences and details that we just want to forget — to be stuck with all those memories is a curse.
Further, there have been quite a few studies in the area of hyperthymesia and savantism (certain savants have incredible memories). Many studies suggest that individuals with Hyperthymesia do have a slightly better-than-average autobiographical memory, but in reality, the mind is inventing most of these memories and then the mind is believing that these invented memories are true. So really, many experts now believe that a vast majority of hyperthymesia cases are all an illusion. Albeit a very good illusion as nobody is going to contest your claims of what you had for lunch on August 7, 1987.
Savants, on the other hand, tend to recall verifiable, non-autobiographical information, like raw facts (i.e. the weather in a particular city on a particular date). And they tend to be the “real deal.” But it comes at a cost — these individuals typically have serious social deficits, intelligence/reasoning deficits, etc.
A bit of research will reveal that the best method for recalling events is to write them down — exactly what you’re doing. One memory tends to lead to another. It can also help to intentionally trigger memories by eating foods, listening to songs, visiting places, etc. that are associated with the time period in question. Memory recall is all about association. By exposing yourself to something that’s associated with a memory, you can uncover the pathways to related memories.
Take heart, Mike. The memories are all buried in your mind…you just need to uncover them.
Neeroc says:
I have a memory like yours. I can remember the Amex number of my first boss (21 years ago) but I find myself looking at pictures of V and not remembering them at all. And I was counting on those pictures being triggers! Writing down your memories is a wonderful idea, especially if it triggers any hidden memories for you.
Jamie says:
My husband doesn’t remember like I do either. It’s why he loves my scrapbooks and blog so much. It jogs his memory and he gets to remember too. He’s like you, in that he’s very good at phone numbers, license plates, etc. He’s much more literal and logically driven than I am and I wonder if that’s the difference.
Ann says:
I also saw the segment and was so envious of the ability to remember days of your life. When my son was young, I remember saying to myself “I’ll never forget this” only to realize years later that I can’t remember what it was. Although I have not lost him, I still wish I had taken the time to write down memories shared and little things he said and did. You have an opportunity to do it with both of your girls.
Lisa says:
Our minds and memories are strange and peculiar things. I hope that writing down your memories will spark other memories and help you preserve and hold close all days you had with Maddie.
Love and hugs.
annie says:
Mike, I feel the same way about my own children’s lives–not because I’ve lost one, but because they are growing older & life is moving too quickly. My oldest is a freshman in college, and I get panicky trying to remember precious details of her early life.
I’ve decided to start writing a journal again. Instead of journals filled with my feelings, I’m jotting down notes and remembrances of the day- things my kids said, stuff we did, the way they acted, etc. I’m hoping to be able to glance through when my life is not so hectic, and use these musings to remember details of our life together.
Deborah says:
(((hugs)))
LisaJ says:
Mike,
Just yesterday, as I tried to catch up on my resolution to blog more this year, I realized that I could not remember the nuances of what it felt like to snuggle my newborn as I slept. This came up because I was trying to craft a commentary of what it is like to co-sleep with a one year old, and it hit me–and I mean hard–that I could not remember that essence that was newborn. And it really disturbed me. Then I tried remembering back to when my 12 year old was one. And I couldn’t remember a whole lot. And that froze me in my tracks.
So it is with a lump in my throat and I read your post today. I have nowhere close to the understanding what you you must feel like when the absence of memory hits. I would never insult you by suggesting that I have a clue how much you hurt. But given the state of panic I experienced yesterday, I wanted to acknowledge your post in some manner.
I hope you can find some comfort in your writing about Maddie.
Elizabeth says:
I seen that segment on 60 minutes and it baffled me because I can barely remember last year.
I think writing your memories with her down is an amazing idea.
Skye says:
I am only 24 but in the last few years, I have started having a horrible memory about EVERYTHING. I think I need to start keeping a journal. I hope you come up with lots of great memories of Maddie that you didn’t even know you had. I know you, Heather, and your whole family will treasure your compiled memories of Maddie. What a beautiful idea.
Rebecca says:
There are triggers for me. I’ll be eating ice cream at a ice creamery and someone will walk by wearing a certain perfume and I’ll remember that one time when I was eight. Just out of the blue…and if I don’t write it down right then and there…it’s gone again.
Pattie says:
I’m happy Heather’s memory can help you fill in some of the gaps with Maddie, and writing down what you *do* remember is a great idea. I’m trying to do that now with my baby since I have a terrible day-to-day memory but can remember other random facts (alot like you do, it seems). Best of luck in your endeavor, and keep writing down those Maddie Memories.
domestic extraordinaire says:
Mike,
Look through photos of Maddie’s life, all by yourself with your notebook in hand. While you might not remember particular details of that exact photo it might trigger other memories of Maddie that you didn’t remember before. And don’t limit the photos to just Maddie, her whole life. So maybe if Heather took a trip somewhere and you see those photos, you may remember something you and Maddie were doing while Heather was gone.
Good luck on recapturing your memories, they are in there!
amourningmom says:
I wish that I too could remember details of my children’s days. What a great post – you wrote the thoughts that have been so often on my mind. Ok, I know that is not a super autobiographical memory but it is pretty impressive. Thank you for sharing.
amanda says:
Good idea to write them down. And as you write them down, I’m sure more will surface. And what a blessing both of your blogs are, which also preserved so many memories.
April says:
Mike, its not all those things you did with Maddie you need to remember . . . its how she made you feel that you will never forget!
Ray says:
I don’t have all that great a memory either. I feel for you though Mike. It’s a good thing to write all your memories down of Maddie. And if you can you could make it into a personal book just for yourself, with photos.
“Superior autobiographical memory” sounds amazing. It’s crazy how different and vast people’s minds are.