Since toddlers are only learning to talk and not yet able to express themselves very well, it’s easy to assume that they don’t have very good memories. In fact, for the longest time I assumed that Annie and her fellow rugrats were sort of like the guy from “Memento,” and woke up each day without a clue about the day before. That isn’t true though. The more Annie talks, the more it becomes clear that she actually has a memory that is frighteningly good.
My mind is like a steel trap!
Recently, for example, I went into the garage to do some laundry and before the door closed Annie slipped in behind me. She peered around in awe – since she normally isn’t allowed in the garage – then gasped and ran for the corner. I was confused until I remembered that, a few months earlier, Heather and I had moved some of her less-used toys into the garage to avoid clutter. As Annie dug through the toys I figured she’d forgotten all about them, so I decided to use the situation to my advantage.
“Yay!” I said. “You found the new toys! I just got all those for you!”
Annie spun to me and jutted a doll in the air.
“No, Dada. Not a new toy. Grandma got me ‘dis.”
I stared at the doll, trying to remember where it came from, then realized that my mom had indeed bought Annie that doll… six months ago! How the heck did she remember that?
Then, a few days later, Annie’s Tia Leah and her boyfriend, Tio Teddo (or Ted to adults) were here, and Annie said, “Do the trick with the box, Ted?” We were stumped until it dawned on us that at Christmas – nine months ago – Ted had made her giggle by doing a trick with a box a present came in.
Her memory blows me away in other ways, too. I am terrible at remembering song lyrics (so much so that I practically need a lyric sheet to sing “Happy Birthday”), but Annie already knows the words to dozens of songs, and not just ones like “Wheels on The Bus” but “Call Me Maybe,” too. She will even correct me when I sing songs wrong by saying, “No, Dada. It goes…” Crazy, huh?
The really crazy thing, though, is that as impressive as her memory is now, it will eventually go “poof!” I can’t remember anything that happened to me before the age of three or four, and neither can Heather. How can that be? How is it possible that we go from being toddlers who remember everything to adults who remember nothing of our first few years?
Now what was I saying again?
What strikes me as most sad is that all of the wonderful times Annie and I have had together will be forgotten. She’ll never remember our old apartment, singing silly songs, or cuddling on the couch watching “Yo Gabba Gabba.” Sometimes, when I do something cool for Annie like take her to the zoo, I think, “Why am I bothering? She’ll never remember this! I’m not gonna get credit for any of this awesome dad stuff!”
Still, though our kids won’t remember it, I have to think that what we do for them in those first few years does shape who they become. A baby/toddler who is loved and enriched has to be more likely to turn into a better adjusted adult than one who was ignored in a dirty diaper all day, right?
Mijke says:
Right!
And even though she might not remember specifics, she will always remember being loved to bits by the both of you. She’ll remember growing up in a warm atmosphere. And if you keep making pictures and shooting video’s, as you both have been doing, the ‘real’ memories might fade, but will be secretly replaced by all those memories on pictures/films. And by the time she moves out of the house, she will swear she remembers the exact moment you cuddled her that day she was a year, 3 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 8 hours and 27 minutes old…
So don’t worry, you have already earned loads of Awesome Dad-credits by all the fun stuff you’ve done with her. Maybe even enough to get you through those teenage years with no more than a few I-HATE-YOU-DADDY’s… A week… ;-P
Tina says:
I think you are generalizing a little bit There are adults who DO remember very early things. For instance, I remember the mobile aboce my bed, the wall ligts on by the crib, the color of our bathroom in our very first appartment, and LOADS of things happening to me before the age of three. We moved out at age 3, so all the things I described to my mom, happened before that age and she confirmed them.
She might not remember everything you did together but she will never forget the good feeling she had while doing things with her dad
This will forge an amazing bond between you guys and even though she might be able to recall every little detail, the feeling this gave her will never go away
DefendUSA says:
I don’t know why that happens, but I do remember being amazed that my kids had the same ability. In particular, we moved when the oldest turned 9 months. I put something in the closet by the front door and forgot about it. A tennis racket. One year later, the kid is 19 months and a very good talker. We were chatting about something ( Daddy and me) being lost. She heard and said, “Over there, next to the ricket…” and pointed to the closet…the one that never got used since we moved in!!
I think they’ll remember some things but, the good news is, that although you think you have bad “memory” it’s still there. Each phase of life brings new stuff and the “old” tends to be put away…to make room. The warm fuzzies in the end are what you get from making all those good memories!
Sue says:
Oh; I think that Annie is going to be extremely good at remembering what she did at this age, Mike, since you’ll have all of the videos, pictures, and blogs to jog her memory! Most kids didn’t,or won’t, have that advantage.
Audra says:
I think the strangest thing about the memories of small children is the memories that they do pull through their childhood and how random they are. I’m satisfied that my girls actually “remember” something (as opposed to simply recalling a picture they saw of the event) if they can tell me about something mundane that wasn’t photographed.
Barbara says:
I think those memories are just as much for you. I remember taking our oldest (and at that time only) son to Disney World. He had just turned two. Everyone told us not to bother, that he’d never remember going. And they’re right – he doesn’t remember his first trip. But I do! The way he turned to look at me when he first got a glimpse of his friend Pooh will be with me always.
Stephanie says:
I agree with others. She may very well remember things from her first three years, especially since her memory is already so good. I also remember being younger than three, so it happens. Even if she doesn’t remember everything you do for her, she will always remember how you made her feel.
Peggy says:
I have 3 girls who are now 7, 8 and 10. They are absoutely convinced that they remember certain things that I know they cannot remember. But we tell them about it — my husband is particularly good at this. That trip to DisneyWorld my oldest went on when she was just under 3 — we show her the pictures and tell her the stories and she now tells them like she remembers. My dad died before my youngest was born — the older girls were 10 months and 2.5. There are things they “remember” about him because we tell them. My middle one will say things like, “Remember when Grampa John was sick and couldn’t talk anymore and I woke up from a nap and we sat and waved at each other?” Well, my mom loves that story because of how simple it was and how my dad could still connect to a baby, even though he couldn’t talk anymore, and she has told my daughter the story, so now if becomes her memory.
So kids are like all of us — keep memories alive with stories and pictures and they will continue to mean something to Annie.
MJP says:
Kids can remember. I remember my crib and my older sisters crib. I remember our kitchen being remodeled when I was 2. My mom was astounded that I could remember than. My sister remembers having her tonsils removed at 2. Yes some memories get retained.
ldoo says:
Yeah, you’re right about the part where it shapes them. No, they won’t remember most of this. But it shapes them into who they are as young children, etc. And besides, YOU will remember these experiences, and that’s important, too. My daughters will never remember their first birthday parties, but they meant the world to me and I’m forever glad I went all out for them.
Libby says:
Others have already mentioned it…but I’ve changed my thinking on this one after someone pointed out to me that it’s just as important for US as parents to have these memories! I used to be all ‘why bother- they won’t remember’. And I’ve enjoyed those things much more now. But my 4 yr old has a memory that has surprised me as well. He unfortunately tells me how much he likes our old house better than the new house that we moved into 9 months ago. Booooo!
Ali N says:
I read somewhere the theory that we get back our first few years of memiores (in a sense) through our children. We then have a complete lifetime of memories by adding their early years to our memories. I kind of like that.
Jay - The Dude of the House says:
I’ve been thinking about the same thing lately. But in my mind the Little Dude’s life is like a sitcom where each morning he wakes up and everything is magically put away to rip open and play with again.
I know what you mean about what’s the point of doing so many things that we’ll never get credit for, too. But I think going to the park or zoo for the 34th time is more for us than them in the long run.
Tara says:
I know how you feel Mike. My toddler’s memory blows me away! I had no idea they could recall so many things that happened so long ago.
My son has about 500 matchbox cars, yet he can tell you which ones Grandma gave him 6 months ago. Crazy.
Annalisa says:
I don’t think she’ll remember things in minute details, but snatches here and there? Possibly. I remember some stuff from when I was very little. I remember being scared of thunder when I was 2, and running for the safety of my mom’s lap. I remember the time a bat (a bat!) flew into our room, and how my mom was terrified of it, but not enough not to chase it out of the room with a broom. I remember how on nights my dad would work late, my brother and I, who shared a room from the time I was 2 1/2 to 6, would pretend to fall asleep, only to listen for the sound of the front door, and then would start yelling and jumping up and down on the bed until my dad came to say goodnight. I can’t remember my first (of many) teddy bear’s name, but if I close my eyes I can see his face very clearly.
And no, these are not imaginings inspired from having a child of my own. I always remembered those things, even after my brother totally forgot them. So don’t assume that she’ll forget everything. She’ll maybe forget 95% of everything she remembers now, but not everything.
Sarah says:
Oh, I don’t think it goes “poof” at all! I have memories beginning around 18 months, and definitely have plenty of concrete memories before 3 or 4.
hdj says:
When my daughter was 18 months old she got a balloon at a store opening. We then drove to another store and while I shopped my husband took our daughter to get ice cream. When they were getting out of the car, the balloon was sucked out and blew away. She was DEVASTATED! When they came to get me, she was crying while eating ice cream. My husband felt awful and said that there was nothing he could do and she had a look of sheer horror as the balloon flew away.
For YEARS after that incident (like until she was 5), whenever someone would offer her a balloon, she would get this look of horror on her face and shake her head really hard and say no thank you. And everyone would look at us with that “what the hell did you do to your kid so she doesn’t want a balloon? What kid doesn’t want a balloon?” At 11 she remembers this.
Jeanie says:
My dad was the furthest man from being an involved father, ever. But I do remember him taking me to the zoo when I was around four-ish and letting me ride the ponies. So there’s hope, Mike.
Rebecca says:
I think kids DO forget the specifics (that awesome vacation! That special day!) but they will NEVER forget what it meant:
I am loved. I am lovable. I am important to someone. My mom and dad are AWESOME!
I don’t know if I’ve ever said this to you before, but I have always thought that Maddie had the best parents ever, because she always knew she was loved, so loved, every minute of her life. Every picture of her, she is luminous. Not every parents is that amazing, and although her life was so short, what a blessing that every moment of it was spent being cherished and loved, dearly, by two amazing parents.
Mike says:
Thank you for these kind words, Rebecca. It means a lot to hear that Maddie always appeared happy, because Heather and I really did do everything we could to give her the best life possible, even if it ended up being a short one.
Expat Mom says:
I remember things from when I was 1, so it doesn’t always go poof.
Amelia says:
I feel like despite the fact there will be no mental memories this is the time of making cellular ones. You are helping develop the very core of who this little girl will base every part of her being on the memories she won’t be able to actively recall. All those warm fuzzy feelings of the wonderful times you’ve shared are there forever.
Brandy says:
I used to feel this way about my daughter all the time. She’s about to turn 5 and she still brings up things that she remembes from when she was 2. I suppose I’m used to it (a little bit) but every now and then she pulls up a memory that floors me. At any rate, don’t give up on Annie remembering SOMETHING of her early days. I have memories from when I was 2. Granted, they are not very clear, or very long – mainly just flashes of things that happened, or made an impact on me in some way. But the point is, I remember. So, maybe she will have some little wonderful memory tucked away of you guys all cuddling together at your old apartment.
Lissa says:
The thing that strikes me….even more than Annie’s own memories, is that I feel like she will remember Maddie….as though she had known her in real life all along. And isn’t that just as amazing as anything that has happened in her own life? Good for you and Heather for making her big sister a true presence in her life.
missy says:
I do believe she will remember things considering she already has an awesome memory. My niece who is 11 now remembers things from when she was around one, she once asked me about a shirt I use to have from back then, I didn’t remember it myself until she described it in detail..yeah great memory lol especially when I have a hard time remembering what day it is!
Susannah says:
Maybe Annie will remember specific events, maybe she won’t; what she will remember is being loved and feeling happy.