“That date” is approaching quickly and I am feeling a growing sense of dread. Dread not just of having to wake up on April 7th and remember the events of three years earlier, but also of how people might react to how I feel that day. In my heart I know that I’m going to be just as sad and confused as I have been on the previous anniversaries of her passing, but I worry that this year people will think, “It’s been three years. Get over it already. Move on with your life.”
These worries are not as unfounded as they may seem. All too often I have been reminded that the majority of people who haven’t lost a child don’t have a clue of what I’m going through. I remember, for example, that after Heather blogged about feeling uneasy about reaching the day Maddie had been gone longer than she had lived, someone left a comment saying it was weird for us to keep track of such milestones, and that we should just ignore them and focus on living.
Similarly, on the day Annie had lived one day longer than Maddie, I was having trouble processing what had happened. It felt somehow like Maddie was drifting further away from us, but someone off-line advised me to ignore it and focus on how big Annie was getting.
To people who haven’t lost a child, those two bits of advice might sound reasonable. But to those who have lost a child they are highly offensive and clueless. It is impossible for a grieving parent to not think about every date or milestone that passes. Our baby may be gone, but she is forever and constantly on our minds. Even though we may keep it to ourselves, we think about how old she would be, how long she has been gone, or what she would look like, every single day. Telling us not to think about these things is like telling us not to breathe.
On Facebook today a number of people put an affirmation of love for their children on their walls that included the following:
“A child is a promise from God that you will have a friend forever!”
Most people likely read that and thought, “How sweet! My kid is my friend forever!” But I thought, “A child is a friend forever, you know, unless he or she dies. Also, if God made such a promise, why did he break his to Madeline and me?”
I felt uneasy the rest of the day, but I didn’t mention my feelings to anyone. If I had I would have been greeted by silence, thought strange, or even called insensitive. At the very least I would have made people uncomfortable.
I know no one wants to hear me talk about Maddie or my pain all the time, and if I did I would have a lot less friends. That is why Heather and I do our best to act as normal as possible each day. But we are nevertheless very sad, devastated, and forever changed by our loss even if we don’t subject people to our feelings all the time.
So please be kind to us over the next few weeks, and do your best to accept whatever grief we feel the need to express even if you don’t understand it. There are some times of the year when it is harder to keep up the facade, and this most definitely is one of them.
Becca_Masters says:
Oh Mike. Never ever think that no one wants to hear you talk about Maddie or your loss. Unfortunately that experience will always remain with you. It’s healthy to talk about your feelings and there will always be someone to listen to you.
I don’t have children, yet I think the same as you. Those two bits of advice are awful! Anyone with an ounce of compassion or common decency would never give such advice to anyone. Maddie is your daughter and I think you should remember each milestone. For each birthday that passes, get a small cake and celebrate that little girl and the love and happiness she brought you. On the anniversary of her passing, visit her memorial, put down some purple flowers and remember her. How could you ever ignore such a thing? It’s an insult for someone to suggest you ignore them.
it’s very insensitive of someone to suggest it.
You have thousands of followers. I’m just 1. But if you ever want to talk or rant or just babble your emotions, I’m available.
Mommy says:
You are allowed to be sad, count days or grieve in whatever way your heart decides, for as long, or short, as is right for each of you. Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different. There is no wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline, no rule book and certainly no day that you get to be “over it” and are done with the heartache.
Thinking of you and Heather and your sweet first born. What a beautiful girl who matters so much. She has changed so many lives, and we are all better for knowing her. Thank you for sharing your precious baby with the world.
Love to you, Spohr Family, on the hard days, and on the easier ones too.
Sarah G says:
To be honest, I’m deeply saddened that you have to ask people to be gentle with you at this time, I would’ve thought that would be natural for most people. Heartless comments must magnify the pain you’re experiencing. Much love to you and Heather at this time.
Sue says:
You & Heather should continue to express your feelings exactly as you need to, Mike. You shouldn’t have to listen to other’s criticisms. All my love goes out to you & your entire family every single day,,,,,,,,,,,
Jenn says:
My dear friend,
Today you made me cry! I so wish you would have texted me when you were hurting about the “Forever a Friend” thing, b/c I would have listened without judgement. I would have been there!
Mike, I want you and Heather to know this RIGHT NOW & ALWAYS…If you EVER need a friend, someone to listen to you about your feelings for Maddie….PLEASE, PLEASE, P-L-E-A-S-E you guys, PLEASE come to me if you need to talk!! I AM HERE FOR YOU!!!! I may not have lost a child BUT, I have lost a God child when she was 10 months old. I get it. I miss her every second of every day. I get it.
I’m so sorry some people feel it’s their right to tell you to GET OVER IT or MOVE ON. Too be honest, I’d be so much more surprised if you just did. Maddie was more than your baby….she was your heart & soul. She was your LIFE and suddenly she’s just….gone?! WHO COULD EVER JUST GET OVER THAT!!!
I felt such profound sadness when I read how you & Heather now try to keep your feelings to yourselves & not mention a lot about Maddie. Personally, I LOVE hearing about Maddie. Of course I’m so sad when you’re hurting but I will NEVER stop listening & being there for you.
Mike, you shouldn’t have to ask ANYONE to be gentle & kind to you & Heather the days leading up to that horrible date….to me, that is a GIVEN and personally, I wouldn’t have it ANY other way!!!
So, PLEASE Mike and Heather….the next time you are hurting (which I know it daily, second by second) or really wish you could talk to someone….P-L-E-A-S-E remember…You Can…. I am RIGHT HERE….arm & hand extended….all you have to do is GRAB ON!!!
I’VE GOT YOU….I’VE GOT YOU BOTH…..
<3<3 Love, Jenn <3<3
Lindsey says:
Mike & Heather,
I can’t even fathom: It’s every parent’s worst nightmare.
I’ve been listening (reading) for four years and through all the seasons of your loss so far.
People really shouldn’t judge. Period. But this situation is so sensitive, how could anyone?
Love and peace,
Lindsey
Kayla N. says:
Mike,
I don’t know you personally, but I just wanted to say I love hearing about Maddie and I would never blame you for feeling those things. Maddie was only a part of my life via the internet and I struggled with both of the days you mentioned, so I can’t imagine how you feel.
You and Heather are wonderful parents to all three of your girls (rigby included, duh!) I love hearing your thoughts through the good times and bad. Whatever your heartache, for whatever its worth, I think you are doing an admirable job of grieving and parenting both.
Sarah @ { rad: renovations are dirty } says:
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with such insensitive comments. Grief doesn’t follow any rules, so it always boggles my mind when people say that you “should” be feeling this way or that.
Jenny says:
If I were to presume anything about grieving parents, I would presume that you think of your child daily and milestones are exceptionally hard. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry about the rude comments. I sound like my parents, but I really don’t know what has happened to human decency.
Kate says:
Mike, this post made me so sad. Not only because it’s clear how much pain you and Heather go through missing Maddie but because you feel like you should apologize for it. Please don’t ever feel like you have to put on a facade for us. I love hearing about Maddie….really and truly. Even though your posts about her and your grief can be heart wrenching, they are always so beautiful and full of love.
You and Heather are some of the only people out there honestly talking about grief. I know it doesn’t make losing Maddie any better but I truly believe you are doing important work in a society obsessed with ignoring grieving people.
I’m so sorry people are insensitive. I’m even sorrier that you lost your sweet Maddie. Thinking of you during this tough time.
edenland says:
Mike, I do not know yours and Heather’s pain. Different pains have carved the deep wells in my own heart.
Please know that some of us out here … you would never have to have the facade with. You can just Be.
A while back I counted on my fingers, how long it has been since Maddie passed. Three years? I thought I was wrong but I wasn’t. Three years? That’s … a blip. A click of the fingers. Not a very long time AT ALL.
But then, it is … an achingly long time.
There’s no such thing as time. A thousand years is one day, and one day is a thousand years.
Much love to you, my honorary Aussie friend xx
J+1 says:
Anyone who judges you for how and when you grieve may not be much of a friend. Don’t worry about apologizing or what others might think– you’ll get through by doing what you need to do, and that’s all that matters.
Sara says:
No one-whether they’ve lost a child or not- has the right to tell you how to grieve. I’ll pray for you both to get through this tough time.
Lucy G says:
Mike – you could write about Maddie every.single.day and I’d read with a wistful smile on my face. She was what brought me to this blog and I know her only through your accounts and memories. She’s an incredibly special little girl and she deserves to be remembered.
While I’ve never lost a child, I’ve lost many babies in utero. I too have milestones and dates that are meaningful to me but confusing to most others in my life.
You’re not alone. Not alone in your love for Maddie and your desire to remember her. Not alone in the pain of losing a precious child. And not alone in having a “dark calendar” of days that bring you grief. I’ll be thinking of you, Heather and your whole family over the coming weeks.
AmyG says:
Ignore people who feel like you shouldn’t be talking about Maddie. They’ve obviously never been in your shoes. I didn’t even know Maddie & sadly didn’t start following you all until after she passed, but I still hurt for you all. I can’t even imagine the pain you have & to feel like you can’t even talk about it. So not right. Share what you need to say & ignore the rest!
Lisa says:
You guys grieve in whatever way you need to. I can’t believe people think it is there place to say anything about how another person grieves. Grief is personal and private and different for everyone. I’ll be thinking about you over the coming weeks, as I think about you all the time. Love and hugs.
Linda Campbell says:
Mike, I have never lost a child, and cannot begin to understand that feeling. But I have lost someone very close to me, and I totally understand a lot of your feelings. I feel the same way. The 20th of each month I relive the day he died. I remember ever detail. I think all the time what we would be doing if he was here with me now. Why isn’t he here with me now? My husband will say something to me and I say, “Don’t you even know what day it is?”. He’ll say, “ya, the 20th”, like it’s nothing. He doesn’t remember, I never forget. It’s been almost two years, and nothing has changed. The feelings of loss are as strong, and you are right, I am forever changed.
I think of you and Heather often, even though I don’t know you, my heart goes out to you. People should be more understanding and sensitive to your feelings. And unless you know how someone else feels, expecting anything from them during a difficult time is just unacceptable. Do people not think that if you could be happy and have joy in your heart, you would? You don’t control these emotions, they control you. The only thing I have found is that people can be very cruel and unloving.
If all you want to write about is Maddie for the rest of your life, I would understand, because that’s all I want to do about my hero.
Linda
mindy b. says:
Sending hugs to you, Heather and Annie over the next few weeks.
Editdebs says:
My heart hurts for you and Heather. I’m a parent, and the endless love I feel for my son would not end at his death. Grieve as you need to, share with us as you need to, and I promise to be one of the people who holds your family tightly in love. No judgment, only acceptance and love.
Jen says:
I love reading about Maddie and think it’s perfectly normal that you would still need and want to talk about her. Please know that while some people might turn away, so many of us out here love you and Heather and want you to share your grief and joy with us. We’re here for you.
Nellie says:
You and Heather are in my thoughts and prayers. I will certainly never forget and I don’t even know you. Your pain, your loss, all your feelings and emotions are real and you have every right to feel them. Nothing and no one will ever take away the gravity of such loss. I just hope you know that your words inspire, your feelings breath life, love and hope in others.
I lost my cousin almost 30 years ago in August when he was barely a year and a half years old and without fail – every anniversary and every birthday that he is another year not on this earth, my heart hurts something awful and my emotions are like the Niagara Falls that never seems to end or find solace. I do not deny myself this sorry even if the world around me continues to move along or stops and stares at me like I am ill or strange. I just want to scream “Don’t you know what today’s date means to me?!” but I know I realy can’t and won’t but I’ll still fall apart, even if it means I’m doing it alone.
Tina says:
I’ve never lost a child. However I am a parent and my father passed away when I was 11. I just want to say that I’m so very sorry that Madeline passed away. Your feelings will be valid until the end of time. And, for what it’s worth, I also remember the day my father died every year by going to church. That was 25 years ago and I still do it. I also was very sad the year that I had lived longer without my dad than with him. So, remember and commemorate. Those hurtful commenters can go to he%#
Tammy M. says:
I love your Maddie posts. Even the sad ones have a new glimpse of that sweet little girl in them for those of us who fell in love with her without ever meeting her.
christine says:
People who leave nasty comments on blogs like yours (or blogs period!) are cowards. I know those awful voices are always louder than the loving ones, but there are lots of us out here in the blogosphere that pray for and support your sweet family on a daily basis.
It’s little consolation, because you are grieving a loss that surpasses words and trying to heal a hole that defies comprehension. Please keep writing. We are listening and loving you from all corners of the interwebs!
Stef says:
My loss is not like your loss, but I understand the date thing. I hate Wednesday and Friday. Seems stupid, but I associate all the negativity of my loss with those days. (It’s only been a little over a month for me, I’m hoping this passes with time). I read this quote, and it really helped my perspective on how I allowed myself to feel, because people DO just expect you to move on and be ok (those people must not have ever lost someone REALLY close to them, how else could the say such stupid things?)
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Liz says:
Your post today was heartbreaking. I lost my son 5 years ago when he was 18. While life has continued to march on, each milestone that our other children reach is joyous and also so very sad. College graduations, engagements, weddings…..milestones that our son will never reach. Our daughter got married last year, and every picture from that day fills me with sadness because I feel like he should be in them with us. Your writing is beautiful. You and Heather are such strong people. Take care
Amy says:
Kind thoughts and prayers to you, Heather, Annie and your whole family and community, always.
Erin says:
Mike,
I think people do want to hear you talk about Maddie and your devastation over her loss. I know that I for one come here and specifically read your posts because they are often about Maddie. I come here to grieve for you and although I’m a stranger to you, as “the date” approaches, I’ll be thinking of you and Heather quite a bit. Maddie died on the same day as my aunt Ruth and so the experiences of both are intertwined for me and that is one of the reasons I read this blog every day.
Anyway, I don’t have a coherent way of wrapping this up other than to say you’re in my thoughts.
Rebecca says:
You guys are amazing and grieving in a way that is right for you and your family. Your blog here proves that you not only grieve, you also thrive. Thrive on and grieve when you need to.
Adrianne says:
Mike (and Heather),
I’ve never lost a child and therefore cannot fathom your heartache. But it doesn’t take much of an imagination to understand that it must be absolutely horrific and something that will NEVER go away (the grief). I simply cannot comprehend how someone doesn’t get that and could say those things to you guys. Move on?!?! wtf. There are some wounds that time simply cannot heal…
And I know that this is probably not possible (and maybe not helpful), but those comments deserve none of your thought/time/energy. I hope all of the support and love you receive from everyone else is enough to overpower the silly people who say hurtful things (even if unknowingly). Your Maddie is loved and remembered and missed….and will be no matter how many years go by. It makes me so sad to think you guys are ever worried that you post/talk about her too much. Be kind to yourselves in these coming weeks, knowing that nothing that you feel is wrong. Much love.
Homa says:
Mike, Heather, Annie, & Rigby – sending you all love & support. I know I am just a reader but all I can say is do & say what feels authentic. I can’t believe people think loss is something you “get over” but a dear friend told me after she lost her fiance people actually asked her if she was “done” grieving. I just don’t get it, maybe they mean well but it is a pretty jerky thing to say. Hang in there.
Jenbug says:
I re-experience my own loss in October of each year. Sometimes I don’t even see it coming until it hits me – BLAM – in the face. It’s been 19 years, but it feels like it was just yesterday each time it comes around. I’m not going to tell you that it gets easier to deal with because it doesn’t, but it does get easier to hide your pain. Good luck to you and Heather in the coming weeks. And always know you have people who are silently sending you strength and support through this dark time.
Stacy says:
I have never lost a child, but I have lost way too many people who were close to me, three of them very suddenly and unexpectedly. One has been gone 20 years, one 9 years and one 8 years… and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t still grieve them and every year, on the “anniversary” of their passing, I grieve more openly. One of those, the one who has been gone 9 years, is my aunt. My mom still grieves the sudden loss of her sister (at age 52) and there are days it’s down right debilitating grief. I’m pretty sure if anyone ever told her, or me, or any other member of our family that “It’s been 9 years, get over it” they would get hit. So, to say something like that to someone who has lost a child, the greatest loss anyone can suffer, is unimaginable to me.
You and Heather can grieve how you want, as long as you want. Those people who know what true grief is like will never tell you to “move on” or “get over it.”
Hugs, prayers and love to both of you.
Prairie Princess says:
I totally get the milestones that some might consider morbid or unnecessary. It’s human nature and only those who have lost someone so close to them will understand. I lost my mom in a tragic car accident 13 years ago and each year that passes I think that’s one year closer to me reaching the age where I will have been momless longer than I had a mom. I know losing a child is even harder and more bewildering than losing a parent so just know that there are many of us out there who will be thinking of you during this time as you do whatever you need to do to survive this time.
Steph says:
I can’t imagine what would possess someone to write such hurtful comments (or worse speak them in person) to you all. However, I must admit that reading your blog (and others) has made me realize that you don’t say things in an attempt to make people “feel better.” Sometimes there is nothing to say and you are just there for your friend. Thank you for your heartfelt writing. I am and will always be so sorry for the loss of your sweet Maddie.
Jules says:
No one can possibly understand how you feel unless they have been in the same situation. I can’t even imagine. This is nowhere near the same, but I lost my father in my late 20s and was devastated and I still (3 years later) think about him all the time and get emotional on specific dates and I dont see when/how that will change. The further time passes from when you were last with them you worry about forgetting the sound of their laugh or the way they smell and so on…a loss is exactly that…someone is lost….missing forever. So of course your life has changed and you will always miss them. Those of us who have been readers for a long time care greatly about you guys and don’t pass judgement or think you should get over it. We are here for you and you should always be able to say/write how you are feeling. I know these next few weeks are going to be even harder than usual so know that there are strangers (random Canadian strangers in my case) who are thinking about you and sending love your way.
Madeleine says:
I have mentioned before that my parents also lost my sister, their first born when she was 3. It has been 40 years and my mom says not a day goes by that my sister doesn’t cross her mind in some way. I wish my dad would talk about her more, he never did, he kept it all inside for himself. He grieves still. I hope your family knows that we are here to listen and send you lot’s of love whenever you need. Whichever way you choose to get through the next few weeks and the coming years is the right way.
Kate says:
Spoken Beautifully. I’m so sorry people feel the need to inject opinions about things they have never experienced. You and your adorable family are in my thoughts.
Expat Mom says:
I haven’t lost a child after birth, but I think about the children we lost early in pregnancy even now, 8 years later. I wonder what they would have looked like, if my children now would be different if they were the youngest in the family and more. It has to be a thousand times stronger when you have spent months with that child, known her and held her. No one has the right to tell you how to grieve and this is your blog, so write as you feel.
Sonya aka Glam-O-Mommy says:
Mike, my grandmother had 10 children. Her second child, a daughter named Mary Evelyn, was sickly and died for reasons unknown (probably SIDS or possibly CF which runs in our family) at two months old. For the rest of her life, people would talk about her nine children, and she always corrected them that she had 10. She had a mother’s ring with 10 stones on it. She missed that baby every day of her life. My mother (child number eight) told me that my grandma once told her that after Mary Evelyn died she would walk out into the woods and scream and cry where no one could hear her and then come back to the house and try to act like she was okay because no one wanted to talk about it.
I tell you all of this just to say that I think the ongoing grief you and Heather feel is normal and I think you are amazing parents to both your girls. Do whatever it takes to get yourselves through this hard time of the year, and just every day. I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Linn says:
I do those milestones and comparisons about my mother who died at age 66. This year will be 5 years and every anniversary is sadder, not better. Heavens, I still think about my cat who died 6 months ago and where in the yard he would be now. It’s completely normal. And there can be nothing as horrible as losing a child. I am dreading the day for you already. I do think people say these things because they can’t handle the depth of sadness you have to live with and they don’t want you to have to live with it. Unfortunately you have no choice. As for those stupid comments about how God gave us this or that wonderful thing, completely insensitive to those who don’t have the wonderful thing — I always attribute those to people thinking if they say that stuff enough, nothing bad will ever happen to them. Very self-righteous and self-serving.
Nancy Smego says:
Mike, I have never lost a child, but know people who have. Nobody grieves the same way and although I have NO CLUE what it would fee like, I somehow picture myself doing a lot of what you and Heather do. I mark milestones (in my head and sometimes say them outloud). You will NEVER get over losing Maddie. How could you? How could anyone expect you to? She is always a part of your family and your family history and she will always be your daughter and Annie’s sister and she will always be loved and missed more than words could say. I love you and Heather. KEEP DOING WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER.
Kat says:
I often wonder how frequently you censor yourselves when it comes to really writing what you want to write whenever you want to write it. Three years ago was yesterday. You guys have been ripped of the most precious relationship a human can have . Maddie should be here. I think you’re allowed to grieve that for the rest of your lives. How nice it would be to just wake up and be done with that process.
Farrar says:
BIG – HUGE – Virtual Hug to you, Heather, Annie AND Maddie!! Thinking and praying for yall!!
giselle says:
Don’t listen to those stupid people. For every 1 person that is mean or doesn’t want to hear about your grief or whatever, you have 100 that do care and that do want to be there for you. Forget them and focus on yourself and what you need. There are a lot of us here sending lots of warm thoughts your way on a daily basis.
Lisa says:
Totally concur 100%. I didn’t lose a child, but lost my brother and have had the same experience. People who have not had a loss like this don’t understand. I have found that dealing with how OTHER people are handling the face that my brother is dead to be one of the most difficult parts. They mean well, but it doesn’t make you want to smack them any less. Am thinking of you guys as this anniversary approaches, and all the other less monumental, but still challenging, days.
RG says:
We are a society that doesn’t handle the passing on of loved ones very well, and I know that makes being a grieving parent an even more isolating and desolate experience. I’m sure you get the odd insensitive comment here on this website, but I hope you know that the bulk of us are here to support you both, because we love your whole family as much as strangers over the internet can. Maddie is ever in my thoughts – she lives on in my heart, as well as yours and Heather’s and Annie’s. Much love to all four of you.
Deb H says:
Mike and Heather,
I have not lost a child of mine however I was 7 when my baby brother passed away many years ago. I remember every detail of those days……and I was only 7! I couldn’t imagine the immense pain you have. If talking about it is what helps you then I can guarantee you have more people willing to ‘listen’ (you know…read) than those that make those comments that are so awful! We all greive in our own ways and no one should tell you that you are doing anything wrong. You never learn to get over something like the passing of a child…..you learn to live with it. I don’t think the lesson ever stops because now 28 years later I still think of what my little brother would be doing, would he be in college still? would he be married? etc. This was a brother to me…..not MY child. I pray for you both to find peace in the coming weeks.
April says:
Mike,
Fifteen years ago, we lost our first baby in a late miscarriage. I know our loss was so very different from yours, but I do understand part of your experience. Since then, the last week of January has been very hard for us. After the first few years, it became easier to fake being okay. This was the first year I didn’t need to cry about it. But I think I will always honor that week – in memory of my son.
Thankfully, we were blessed with our daughter the following year, and I know without question that our loss made us much better parents than we would have been. It’s difficult, but we’ve learned to be okay.
I know it’s still early for you, but you are learning to be okay. It’s a long course, and it’s self-directed. You’ll find your own way through it.
Be kind and patient to (and with) yourselves, and ignore what isn’t helpful.
April
Tara says:
As another parent who has lost a child, I completely relate to everything you wrote. My date is April 16, and it will be five years since my son died.
For me, over time it has gotten easier to ignore/forgive those who say insensitive things (because these are not my real supports or my close friends), and truly, if you haven’t gone through it yourself (and who would want to), you can’t imagine how many times a day you think of your child(ren)….those alive and those not. You can’t imagine how these feelings will impact you, well sometimes you can, like anniverseries, but other times they just sneak up on you.
As one parent to another, my best advice for what it’s worth, is to do what feels right for you and get through April 7 the best way you know how to. Screw everyone who doesn’t get it. It’s not about them. It’s about you and your family.
I will pray for peace leading up to April 7 as well, as the anticipatory grief is no joke either. Love you Spohrs! All 4 of you!
PattyB says:
Grieving is a process, and you and Heather need to do whatever necessary to get through your own, individual, grieving process. I have spoken before here about the loss of my first daughter when she was 6 months old, April 2, 1990. She would be turning 22 this year, and I often wonder how she would look today, how her voice might sound (she never actually spoke words) what she would be doing with her life, etc. That has never gone away in all these years. It does get better, but it don’t think it’s really gotten any easier. To someone that has never lost a child, the previous sentence won’t make much sense, but that is how it’s been for me. My thoughts and prayers are with your family, as always. Take care.
C Ramirez says:
I want to apologize to you for all the insensitive people who have upset you….. I have read your blog for, it seems like, years and I am appalled at the comments sometimes, I wish they would invent a comment reviewer that would automatically delete insensitive comments. But until then – focus on the comments of us who are hear to listen to you and your memories!!!! My family and I will be here for you…..
Kristi says:
I do not honestly believe anyone ever gets over the loss of a child. How could you? A huge hunk of your heart is gone.
My brother died at the age of 50 – old by child standards but my mom mourns his loss each and every day; he was, after all, her child whom she had loved and cared for and sent out into the world to be a man but ultimately he was her son.
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for loving and missing Maddy.
Margie says:
Your pain, the thoughts you and Heather convey on this blog, have helped me understand my mom better. She lost one of her sons at birth and while it happened 37 ago, she still cries over the loss of her child, one she never got to hold. I’m having my first child soon and I get it without really getting it. It would break my heart.
Having said that, I do welcome the posts where you talk about all of this. It has made me understand people and their loss of all kinds so much more than I used to. Thank you for that. Many hugs to you both today and every day after.
Lori says:
My heart breaks for your family as you approach this hard date.
When I read about that Facebook post I wanted to share with you that I know we can be with our families forever. There is a way to keep the bonds of family – husband to wife, parent to child – strong and intact even after death. Here are a couple links if you are interested in learning more.
http://mormon.org/plan-of-happiness/#what-happens-when-i-die
http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?lang=eng&id=2009-03-10-the-blessings-of-the-temple#2009-03-10-the-blessings-of-the-temple
I will be praying for our loving Heavenly Father to be with you to comfort you during this especially hard time of year for your family.
Nicole says:
I will never understand how people can be so unfeeling. Please know that there are many of us out here who do not think you should “get over it” or “move on” or any other stupid thing like that. Your way of grieving and dealing with this horrible thing is just that–YOUR way–and no one has a right to imply that they know better than you how you should be feeling. What you and Heather have gone through is horrendous, and nobody knows the depths of it except you and Heather.
All I can say is please be kind to yourself. It’s clear from everything you write that you are doing your best to be a great husband and dad to both of your girls.
Sarah says:
Whoever said that “it was weird for (you) to keep track of such milestones, and that we should just ignore them and focus on living” is a moron.
There, I said it.
I have never lost a child (I don’t even have a child), but I would never judge how someone else mourns. Mourning is a very personal and individual experience. As I am sure you and Heather have realized as you have each mourned Maddie’s death differently.
You have the right (and the need) to be sad over Maddie every single day. Sure, you don’t want to live your life consumed by grief, but you also have to be free to let it out sometimes.
Please know that other parent’s who have lost children are not the only people that understand your need to grieve, track milestones, get angry or just act weird. You have a lot of support on this blog.
Brooke says:
I had 3844 days with my mother. I was 13 years 3 months and 27 days old when she died. I counted down to the 3845th day that I had lived without her. I couldn’t imagine letting that day get by me and that it hadn’t affected me that I had lived longer without her than I had with her.
I wonder where we’d all be now if she were still here. Would she play dress up with my daughter, her only grandchild? Would she bake cookies for her preschool class and go on field trips and sing silly songs and dance with her like she did with me?
I completely understand where you and Heather are coming from by doing that. I haven’t lost a child but I was a child when I lost the most important person to me and I measured my grief out in minutes at first, then hours, then days, then months, then years. I still think about her every single day and I grieve every single minute almost 19 years later. I’ll never stop grieving but the sting does lessen a little more as time goes by.
You’ll never, ever, in a million years stop grieving Maddie and I don’t think anyone should expect you to. Hugs to you and Heather today and every day.
Katie B. says:
It is very disturbing you have to ask for people to be kind as you, Heather, your families and friends deal with the upcoming three year anniversary of Maddie’s passing. I hope people will respect your wishes. I’ve had two miscarriages and I find myself always wondering who they would have been, what they would have looked like, and what they would be doing at that very moment. But to have met and watched a child grow and become their own person and then to have them taken away so quickly and horrifically, I don’t know how a person recovers from that. To know that child was real, had a personality, looks, behaviorisms, quirks. To have watched her sleep, held her, hugged her, and laughed and cried with her. People have absolutely no right to tell you how to grieve and to suggest that you move on. A part of you is missing.
We are thinking about you all. Sending lots of love your way.
LeAnn says:
I have never lost a child. The closest relative I have lost is my dad. But if you have a child you can glimpse a small side of how it could be to lose them. People just say whatever comes to mind and never think how that impacts a grieving person. Your heart is tender from the loss and those words hurt a lot more than in a normal situation.
God does not promise we get to keep our children (doesn’t say it anywhere in the bible). Some of the strongest Christians in the bible lost children (David). God doesn’t have favorites. He loves us all the same. He walks with you in your grief. He hurts right alongside of you. it was never meant to be this way. God’s plan was never to have a child (or adult) die. The sin of man caused death. That kind of statement is what turns people against Christianity. They never dig deep into who God is. They only go off of what they hear other people spouting.
I’m sorry this is the road you and Heather have to follow. I know I don’t know you in real life, but I feel like I do ? I admire you for being real and showing your emotions here. Maybe someone reading here has gotten a glimpse into your pain and they think twice before making stupid statements to hurting people. Thanks for sharing your life!
Sarah says:
3 years is a very, very small amount of time compared to the magnitude of loss you have experienced, as is 5 years, as is 25 years, as is 50 years, as is 100 years.
Be gentle with yourself.
Hugs from the internet.
kate says:
I always want to hear about Maddie. And your love for her.
Natalie says:
I love this comment and I agree. Just last weekend I spent a couple of hours looking at pictures of and posts about that beautiful and bright eyed little girl because I was thinking about the horrible date coming up. She is loved and and she is missed.
Lanie says:
Our oldest son died 6 years ago and our youngest son died 2 years ago – I am always feeling like people want me to be over it. I never will be – it is exactly as you wrote we are forever changed.
I wish bereaved parents had some sort of “be nice to me or I might break” button. Sending peace and hugs to you and Heather.
Skye says:
Like everyone else, I am astounded that people make comments like that. I’m so sorry you feel that you have to hide your grief. I love reading what you write about Maddie- even though I also hate that she is gone and you have to write about her being gone instead of about her adventures with Annie. I’m still here following your family’s journey and thinking of you all the time. I get sad when November 11 and April 7 are approaching- I can’t even imagine how devastating these anniversaries are for you. Know that lots of people are still supporting you, and you can talk about your grief as much as you want/need to on this blog. Love and peace to all of you.
electricdaisy says:
I’m so sorry that haters feel the need to hate. Grieve in whatever way works for you, there is no right answer! We are all here for you.
Also, that friend forever quote is severely misguided (and that is me struggling to say something kind of nice). MAYBE, if you do things right, a kid can be your friend when you’re done raising it and it’s in its twenties. But considering your child the only friend who won’t ever leave you is horrifying.
TonyaM says:
When my dad was dying of cancer, he kept a journal of The Stupid Things People Say to Someone Who’s Dying. And he’d put tally marks when he heard something more than once. One day he pulled it out and we read it and laughed and laughed, because, seriously, people say the dumbest, most inappropriate shit. As you well know. It helps to try to keep in mind that they do so because they don’t know what to say and they’re just trying to help. Unfortunately, I’m not wired to think that way.
Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that you don’t need a disclaimer here. We all love you guys, we are hurting for you, those of us who pray are praying, the rest are thinking of you…..you’ve got a whole support team wishing we could somehow lift you up.
Hugs and prayers from Tennessee
Leiah says:
March 13, 1987 I had a miscarriage at almost 5 months and lost my first child. That was 25 years ago and every March 13th I still think about the what ifs. It still hurts, not to the same degree but there’s still an emptiness in my heart. I too was blessed to have another child – exactly 1 year and 5 days later – and at her 24th birthday lunch this past weekend, I wondered how her sibling would have fit into this crazy bunch. Prayers and peace being sent your way in the coming weeks!
Sarah W says:
Mike and Heather,
Please don’t ever let anyone tell you how to feel!! There is no book to go by for grieving parents. One minute you can be fine and a sight a smell or anything can change the mood and your day drastically. Everyone handles grief differently and there is nothing that you need to apologize for. I HAVE lost a child and though I can understand your pain having been down the road before you your pain is still yours and no one is ever going to understand EXACTLY how you feel. No one has the right to tell you to get over it and move on!! (I had this happen to me just a mere two weeks after I lost my daughter.)
No need for apologies here and no use putting up a front to sound all happy and chipper. People that come to this blog are here as a support system of friends and virtual strangers to give you the boost you sometimes need!
Prayers for all three of you from Indiana
Alexis says:
I started reading your blog on April 1st, three years ago. I too dread the anniversary of Maddie’s passing. This world isn’t the same without her in it.
I support however you feel, whenever you feel it. You’re all on my mind, in my prayers, and I wish I could carry some of your pain. Much love!
kay says:
I find it weird that people tell you how you should feel since they don’t know and even if they had a similar experience they are not you. My grandmother died last year and I feel that we will never get over it we will learn to live with it however and on some days like yesterday which was her birthday I feel sad,when my sister graduates college in May she will think of my grandmother, when I give birth one day I will think of her- I mean I thought this was normal behavior to think of your lost loved ones on certain days
Gamanda says:
It’s amazing how insensitive people can be. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell others how to grieve. This is your space, your life, your journey. I hope people will recognize and respect that. I, for one, appreciate all of your posts about this aspect of your lives. It makes you real and it helps those of us who haven’t experienced such a tragedy to begin to grasp how truly devastating it is. I would hope others to respect your need to write about it in order to live with it.
nami says:
as a longtime daily reader of your blog, i am one of those who read, enjoy, and close my browser. i’ve rarely left a comment (maybe 2 or 3 in the past 3 years), but after reading your words today, i couldn’t possibly just close my browser. although we’ve never met and u have no idea i even exist, my husband would think otherwise. i talk to him about the fabulous spohrs like you’re my family. he didn’t understand why i was so excited when i screamed out ‘oh, they had their baby!!!!!’ (i still remember where i was that day!) or why on other days, i laugh out loud at my computer or wipe away tears. just this morning, i told him how we aren’t the only ones having issues feeding our 2 year old. u have truly become a part of our lives.
i didn’t know what i was going to write because i’m sure my words are trivial. i sat here reading others’ comments trying to write the perfect thing to express what i’m feeling, and all i can hope is that while our words may not help, our love and support bring some solace. i hope u know that we love u and your family just the way you are. we wouldn’t come back everyday if we didn’t. we love your honesty, your willingness to share your lives – happiness and grief. we mourn with u, we cheer with u, and we thank u for the way u have changed our lives. you’ve become a part of this family whether u like it or not, and we’re not going anywhere. i’m not sure what i’m trying to write or what i’ve really accomplished with this babbling, but i just felt like i had to defend u! i hope all your supporters’ words drown out all the negative ones. maddy has made an incredible difference in our lives, and she will continue to do so through your beautiful blog. thank you.
nami says:
i’m sorry i misspelled maddie’s name. my daughter is also a ‘maddy’, but spelled with a ‘y’. (this is why i never comment — i’m a mess!!!)
momttorney says:
Oh Mike – Thank you so, so much for sharing this. Lately, I’ve been struggling with how watching the “typical” development of my youngest child makes me feel so sad for my older child, who has cerebral palsy. Then, I hate myself that I can’t just focus on the younger without making it about the older one, if that makes sense. I feel like I’m somehow cheating both of them, and what I read in your writing here is that sometimes, people make it seem like by focusing on the “milestones” of Maddie’s life (like when Annie had lived longer than her) that you are somehow NOT focusing on Annie. I know that’s not true. You know what? We are all just living this life, the one dealt to us, the best way we can. And to forget the “hard” or to not acknowledge and admit when shit just sucks wouldn’t be honest. So, remember your Maddie. Always. Let yourself feel that sadness, and never, ever, ever let anyone tell you that by doing so, you are somehow cheating Annie. My heart is just hurting for you because although what you are facing is different and infinitely harder than what I’m dealing with, the truth is that it SUCKS to feel like by focusing on the “hard” you are somehow cheating your second-born.
Jenny C says:
I agree with you, Mike — it’s impossible not to think about milestones and anniversaries and what ifs. I lost my one year old daughter just three months ago and I physically remember the anniversaries (days or weeks or months) even before it registers in my brain. All of me mourns– heart, soul, mind and body. I can try and hide it but I cannot stop it. Much peace to you and your family in the coming weeks.
Chindogg says:
Never ever, feel like you are supposed to get over this. It would be a disgrace to Maddie if you did. Never ever, feel guilty about your feelings. I have been reading your blog since before Maddie passed away. You and Heather would have layed down and died for your babygirl. We read you, we love you and we empathize with you! For those who don’t, or give ridiculous advice, they ca buzz off!
Ashley says:
People are so insensitive. I cannot imagine ANYTHING you and Heather go through on a daily basis.
I love hearing both of you tell your stories and talk about milestones, anniversaries, etc. You can always blog here … this is your”home” and if people don’t like it they don’t have to be here…. but I will… and I will be thinking about the Sphor’s the next few weeks and praying extra hard.
Nicole says:
Although I have never lost a child I see my parents. I lost my brother September 7 of last year. I know exactly what you’re saying and feeling. Everyone has their opinions. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Te best advice I’ve gotten was the day my brother passed. A friend of mine told me to just allow myself to feel whatever I felt whenever I felt it. It’s really helped me immensely. I am not going I sit here and say things get better with time. Or that time heals. Ive found that its just something you learn to live with. Our lives were forever changed. And that’s ok.
Nicole
Carrie says:
Praying for you guys.
Still Playing School says:
Mike, thank you for chronicling your grief journey openly and honestly. You are allowing those who walk behind you to know what to expect as well as helping others who haven’t experienced this better support those who have. We are coming up on 5 months without our girl and anniversaries just suck.
Amelia says:
Light, love and support for you all. Always always.
Kim says:
I can’t imagine what moron would think that saying something like that to you is appropriate. And I’m flabbergasted that you have to REQUEST that people be nice to you over the next few weeks as you grieve.
There are seagulls out there who flew into blogs, crap on them (usually anonymously) and fly away. The seagull description was on a blog in explanation of the writer’s motivation in closing down the comments section. Too much time was wasted on being bothered by people not understanding or simply not trying to understand them.
I hope the seagulls around here stay away if they can’t find anything nice and supportive to say.
Your grief is your own and you don’t have to explain anything to anyone.
Brigid says:
Totally get it. Our big anniversary is approaching as well. Also, in a few days my son will be 7 months and 9 days, surpassing big sis by 1 day. Yes, we too try our best to not make others uncomfortable. I think others can’t understand unless they’ve been through it. They think you are having a pity-party. What they can’t realize, is exactly what you said. Your child is ALWAYS on your mind, even though you may look like you are doing just fine. Thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers!
Keri says:
I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my dad (unexpectedly, at 56) almost two years ago, and while it is nothing like I imagine losing a child would be, I feel like crap on his birthday, the anniversary of his death, etc. I am not sure that ever goes away, but I let myself be sad and you should do the same.
Leslie K says:
I cannot understand your pain because I have not lost a child. I don’t have any words of wisdom, and I wouldn’t dream of suggesting how you should feel/grieve/live.
But I couldn’t let this post go by without acknowledging that I’d read it. I pray that you and Heather will have more joy than sorrow over the coming days and always.
Robin says:
Unfortunately, I do understand what you are feeling. My baby girl died at 15 months old due to complications of prematurity. Like your beautiful Maddie, she came home from the NICU and we thought all would be fine. Sure there was O2 to deal with, but so what…then we had more lung issue…and then she was gone. It will be 7 years on Monday. I spend the day with a friend I met in the hospital who’s daughter died 5 days later…she understands too. Ignore those comments, they dont understand.
Kelly says:
I have been reading your blog for years, when you lost Maddie, my heart broke with you, a million times over..
No one… absolutely no one should ever give anyone unsolicited advice on how to deal with a loss. We all handle things differently and we all have that right, we each are unique.. Maddie was yours, only yours, and while you shared your loss, and many of us felt right there with you through your pain & tears and cried along with videos, and each post, and still do.. it is something that is not to be criticized. It’s no one’s place to judge one another. I’m sorry anyone felt they had the right to tell you how to handle the loss of your child, she will never go away, she’s is always a piece of you…
Angela says:
I’ve never had children. I expect that you will NEVER get over Maddie’s death, and that you will always grieve and miss her. I don’t care how many ways you count the days and the weeks and the months and the years … it’s your grief, not mine. I’m going to keep reading.
Chrisie says:
I’ve never lost a child, but I imagine that I would feel exactly as a you guys do, but I don’t know if I would have the strength that you guys do(or keep up the appearance of strength). I would have lost it and made the comments you wanted to make, about Why did God break his promise to your family. Thats how you feel, and that would be how I would feel too, I already feel that way! Why would “God” do that to you guys? GOOD people? People who wanted nothing more than a child to shower with love every day? But “God” lets kids suffer having parents who abuse and torture them? Since having my daughter at 29 weeks, and joining the “preemie community” I have really changed the way I feel about alot of things. As Matt Logelin said, It would be nice to believe in fairy tales. I feel so sad that you guys feel like you have to stifle your feelings, but I think that you should know that your true, real friends wouldn’t feel uncomfortable listening to how you really feel! Hugs to you both!
Shauna says:
I hope you guys know there are way, WAY more supportive people here for you guys than the, honestly I don’t don’t even know what to call these people, than the negative commenters.
Lora says:
I’m sorry you both feel you have to hide your emotions and grief over Maddie. I know most of the world doesn’t understand, I know I don’t understand having not lost a child. But we can still be sensitive and not ACT like we understand when we clearly cannot. I will be praying for you both, as this date approaches.
Shelle says:
It’s been years since I lost my parents, and I still miss them every day.I want to tell them about my life now, debate politics, explain the relevance of Twitter (or have my father explain it to me) or just share Birthday Cake Oreos with them. That being said, I can’t imagine the grief you and Heather feel and I won’t even try to say I understand an ounce of your pain. But I do know that in 1993 and in 20o3 I lost two people and that loss I feel everyday, that I can understand to well. You are in my thoughts.
Norma says:
My heart is heavy for you every day and I’m a total stranger. How you handle your grief is up to you and not for anyone else to question. God bless you and your family.
Glenda says:
Thinking of you, Heather, Annie and Maddie Especially Maddie.
Peace and strength during thus difficult time.
Kelly says:
You keep Maddie alive by talking, writing, and thinking about her. Not only are you doing yourself an injustice by holding in your feelings, you are doing her an injustice by not talking about her. Like many of the comments above me, I can not imagine losing a child. But I know that in my past I have lost friends and loved ones, and there is no point in time when it’s not ok to talk about them. They are still with us as long as we still love them and if someone judges you or reprimands you for your grief, they don’t deserve a place in your lives.
Brandy says:
Your grief is just that, yours. And nothing is ever wrong with that. I learned that when I lost my dad when I was only 22. I was supposed to get him for so much longer but that didn’t happen. I mark his birthdays and the anniversary of his death every year. I play the dark days over and over again. I think about all the things he is missing with my children and I have a feeling at the age of 44 I will think about how I will have been alive without him for as long as I was alive with him. I know it’s not the same as losing a child, and I think about you all and Maddie regularly, but I also know that grief is normal and natural and nothing that should be judged. My very best thoughts will be with you over the next few weeks.
Heather says:
This blog is your platform to say whatever you want or whatever you feel. It makes me sad that people feel like they have the right to even comment on what you and your family have gone through. Just because you talk about it in a public place doesn’t mean that it isn’t a very private thing that you’re going through. People need to respect that.
What ever happened to the old “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all?”
BethRd says:
I think I’ve said this here before but… my husband’s parents lost a son in the Vietnam War. I believe the year of his death was 1967. I met them in 1997, thirty years later. They had in no way forgotten it or gotten over it. They had of course ‘moved on’ in the sense that they had other children to raise, and lives to live, and had had happy moments since, it wasn’t as though their lives in the intervening years had consisted solely of grief, but it was clear that their son’s existence, and his passing, was something that never once left their minds and that his loss had permanently changed them. I don’t think parents ever forget. I think expecting them to is unfair. I will be thinking of you and Heather during this particularly hard time.
Karen says:
On every blog or news site there are people who get a lift from hurting others. I can’t understand it but I pray for them because they must be miserable to want to do that.
I am sure you get both a lot of that and a bit of “helpful” – though not so much – advice.
I think those of us who don’t get it try to – but fail. We don’t mean to cause any more frustration or pain.
The day after Maddie got her wings, I remember reading posts from other bloggers. I cried and cried because we were dealing with a new developmental diagnosis and I felt like I was mourning my “typical” child. I had to put into perspective that I still had my boy and that I couldn’t comprehend the loss you must have been feeling and feel each day.
In the end, my son is fine and here and wonderful. Maddie continues to touch so many of us and she lives on in your blog and your hearts. I hope that it someday hurts a little less but it probably won’t. Talk away – I love to read your and Heather’s writing and it reminds us all to treasure every day we have together.
heather says:
mike, i am recently widowed (and 50 y.o.), dec. 18th, and i had dinner a while back with a friend who was also widowed at 50, for her it is 9 years later, and she is doing quite well, very well, actually. she has even remarried. but when she was saying it had been 9 years since her first husband had passed she said she was dreading 10 years. i asked why, and she said it was getting closer to being 18 years, which would then be as long with her first husband as without him. and stated very matter-of-factly that she simply didn’t want to live to see that day. and she is the least melodramatic person i know. she is a successful business woman, with a beautiful adult daughter and a wonderful new husband.
i guess i’m just saying, you are not alone.
Autumn Canter says:
This was good to read. My brother passed away two years ago and change. My mother still counts each week that goes by since he passed. She wears tye-dye every single Monday. (he died on a monday). She visits the site of his accident all the time and is extremely depressed each anniversary of when he died, on mother’s day, his birthday and holidays without him. It is hard for me to understand. Dates all just seem arbitrary to me. He was gone yesterday, today, tomorrow…it’s all the same. It all sucks equally. So reading this really made me understand where my mom is coming from. I know his birthday is the worse for me because here I am, another year older than my little brother who is forever no more than 25. It just makes it very apparent how much time has passed since I last saw him.
My heart goes out to you and Heather during this rough time.
Trisha says:
It has been well past 6 years now since my was dad was killed in his accident. I still grieve for him every single day of my life and miss him so much. Grief, though it may change over time, is a life long process once you are forced to endure it. My grief has changed through the years but it is still there and so much more so on holidays or his birthday or the date of his death.
I am no expert on grief and I know that my journey is far different than yours and Heather’s. My dad was 50 and had lived a pretty great life and you have experienced the unimaginable loss of a child at such a young age. It breaks my heart that any parent would ever have to to make such a journey; it is so unfair.
Sometimes I share a story about my dad or I talk about his accident and I can almost see the discomfort of my friends or even family creep into the room. Maybe it’s just their unease as far as not knowing what to say. For me it feels almost therapeutic to just talk about it sometimes. In reality I don’t really want them to say much, just to listen and maybe tell me something they loved about my dad too, but some people just clam up or say something insensitive even all these years later.
Just know that I come here everyday to see what you guys are up to and to show my love and support. I enjoy reading your updates on Annie and I love hearing stories about Maddie and all the joy she brought into your lives; they never get old.
You both have taught me a lot through these past several years on being a better parent and being a better friend to someone who has lost a loved one.
Lisa J says:
She is yours, she is important, and every single feeling you are having is valid and YOURS. Please don’t let the jackasses of the world overshadow those of us who, even having not “been” where you are, respect your feelings and your relationship with your child. And she is no less yours now than she ever was, although being apart from her has to be the worst kind of torture.
I always say that if one cannot have true empathy, then they are better off leaving some things unsaid. I am so sad for every horrible, insensitive, cruel words that have ever been tossed your way, Mike. You and Heather are amazing, and the fact that you function regularly at all, after such a tragedy in your lives, and that you function TOGETHER, when statistically, so many turn on each other is testimony to your family, and a true legacy to your beautiful Madeline.
Lisa says:
I have never lost my own child, but I lost Maddie. And I lost B&C and Elliott and Simon and two who don’t have names that I know of (all my friends’ children). When you and Heather write about your loss or my friends share their losses, I listen and feel it and grieve and never once think, “OMG, get over it already.” There is no getting over it, for the parents or for the people who love them. Even when you’re smiling at your grandchildren or great-grandchildren, Maddie will still swell in your heart and bring you tears. It sucks and it’s so unfair, but I hope it brings you a smidgen of comfort to know all of the people who are remembering Maddie with you.
Andrea says:
Thank you for sharing this, unless you have lost a baby / or full grown child, the pain and heartache is always there sometimes just below the surface. I know the milestones of my baby boy who passed away and I catch myself watching his twin brother, who survived, and wondering what would have been. My faith in God has carried me through, and when my friends remember both my boys it helps. Never be worried about sharing, we have all been there and support your family. God bless…
Colleen from MN says:
When I was little, my grandparents were everything to me. My parents had lost four children and were emotionally sometimes unavailable to the rest of us; they did their best! But my grandparents picked up the slack and to me, the sun rose and set by them. When I was eight they died together in a car accident. I was grief stricken and I grieved alone, my mom was simply overwhelmed and could barely do the everyday stuff needed by a large family. We all somehow made it through, and even thrived, but today, just thinking of them brings me back to that awful day and I relive it all over again. Not just their death, but that whole, awful, gray period. I don’t know what it is like to lose a child, but I do understand loss and the sense of never, truly being over it. Who cares what anyone else thinks, you be what you have to be and do what you have to do. Anyone that doesn’t get it will have to get over themselves.
TamaraL says:
You don’t have to feel anything other than what you feel. Ever. You owe nothing to anyone but yourselves. Your grief is yours and no one can tell you how to go through it. Ever.
Marta says:
Right on, Mike!!!
Me says:
“It’s been three years. Get over it already. Move on with your life.”
I pray that no one ever says this or even thinks it because it is your grief not their grief.
There is a reason for quotes such as “Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.” People that leave insensitive or inappropriate comments about YOUR grief are ignorant and should simply be ignored.
Hug each other for me.
Denise Jones says:
I never had children, but can totally understand your feelings. I don’t believe there is a time limit to grief; after all, one does NOT just ‘get over’ a loss. Don’t listen to those hard-hearted people – allow yourselves to experience grief in your own way. You’ve suffered probably the most devastating loss known to mankind; a loss that will always be with you. Just know that you and your family are in our hearts and prayers EVERY YEAR, for as long as you need us! (((HUGS))))
April says:
I remain grateful and moved by however much you both choose to share here, and I have learned so much from you. My parents lost a child before I was born, and they did not deal with their grief, did not talk about it for years. We almost never spoke about my sister until decades later. After an experience which isn’t really mine to share, I can tell you that changed. They were able to speak of her with smiles sometimes, and they deserved to remember the good times with her.
I truly believe that what you’re sharing here and with each other is so important to keeping the whole of Maddie in your hearts. Not just the loss, and that terrible day, but all of the days you had with her. And I also would like to believe that you are helping other parents (and their surviving children) get through it, too.
Thank you, as always, for your honesty.
Becky says:
Oh, I know exactly what you mean about Facebook and the little things that are posted on it. How they can come out of nowhere and with no sinister intentions, and still completely render you frustrated and hurt and broken. A friend posted an image to her wall that was a graph about a relationship between a parent and child. It leapt through the various stages, and I hated that graph for all of the things it had that I could never have with my father. She only meant it as a sweet, silly thing to share with her friends.
While our losses are different, the timing has been very similar. Each and every year is painful in its own way. I’m sorry that people have been so inconsiderate. (How lucky they are to have never experienced a loss that is far from temporary.)
pgoodness says:
You will always have a listener in me. I imagine the pain is something that will last forever. Maybe ease a little, but never disappear.
Amy says:
Mike,
I LOVE when you and Heather share anything about Maddie. As a parent myself the grief you both must live with everyday is truly unimaginable. I will keep you all close in heart in the weeks ahead.
B says:
My mom and dad had a little boy in the early 70’s. He only lived for a few days and died of prematurity. My mom still grieves him. Sure she’s gotten on with her life and had other children after him. She still grieves him though and thinks of him. She always mentions the anniversary of his passing and recently revealed to me the pain she felt when a nurse tried to force a shot on her to dry up her breast milk when my brother was not even dead yet. My mom told her that her son would live and she would breastfeed him. He didn’t, but nearly 4 decades later, she is still pained that everyone had already given up on him. I know my dad still grieves him too as he will not talk about him.
For all those heartless who try to live lives w/ blinders on thinking that everyone should get over things and move on, there are 10 more who know or at least understand the pain you feel.
Don’t put on a mask just for the sake of others or you will only hurt yourself.
Auntie_M says:
So it is well past the date when you wrote this, and several days past the dreaded 7th of April.
I just wanted to say that I admire you (and Heather) for sharing your lives with us…the good, the bad, the ugly; the sweet, the bittersweet, and the bitter.
I so wish my brother would read what you write as I really feel he could connect with you…as fathers who have experienced devistating loss and new hope in Rainbow babies.
As so many others said: please, please, please, never be ashamed to mark Maddie’s milestones (especially here!). We don’t find it odd or strange or weird. We find it normal that a parent would always remember and be thinking of their child. And that includes milestones of things missed and days passed, and anniversaries one wishes never existed.
Love to you and Heather.
~Mary