One of the hardest things in life is understanding that what goes on in your mind is not broadcast to those around you. As a result people sometimes say things that make sense to them, but to others? Not so much. I do this a lot, I am sorry to say, because I am a yapper. Recently I have made an ass of myself way more often than I care to admit, but I need something to blog about, so I will admit it.
Here are a couple of my greatest foot in mouth moments of late:
#1: Canadian musician Ron Sexsmith is one of the world’s greatest songwriters. His most famous song is probably “Secret Heart” which has been covered by Feist and Rod Stewart among others. Anyhoo…despite being a freaking genius…he is not ALL that famous, more than likely because he looks more like the courier he once was than the rock star he is now. This is fun for me though because I get to stand ten feet away from him at his concerts, and I always wait around afterward to say hello to him. Someone recently told me that is creepy and stalkerish, so I’m not sure I will do it anymore. Of course if I don’t say hello again it will likely have more to do with the the fact that the last time I spoke to him I put my foot in mouth BIG TIME.
Oh! And here is a pic of Ron!
Let me stage the scene…
Ron and I were chatting and he seemed happy with what I was saying because I was basically telling him he is a genius and stuff (and who doesn’t like being told they are a genius?) Anyway, I was about to shove off – all happy with myself because our chat went so well – when I decided to part with the following:
Me: “Well, Ron, it was a great show and it was great chatting with you. Before I go though I want to tell you something sort of funny real quick (mistake! mistake!). There are two musicians in the world I love more than anyone else. You and Paul McCartney.”
Ron (excited): “Really? Me and Paul?”
Me: “Yup. And when I told my wife I was going to see one of you tonight she was glad to hear it was you and not Paul, because your tickets cost like two hundred bucks less!”
Ron – who by the way is one of the nicest people on the planet – forced an awkward smile.
Me (digging a hole): “Because his shows are way more expensive! Because he’s really famous and stuff!”
Ron: “Yeah, yeah, he is. I’m really proud of my new album though. Of course it might be getting too late to finally break out, but -”
Me: “No, no, no…listen…”
Ron: “Thanks for coming.”
Ron pats me on the back and slumps off, depressed. I search the room for a rope to hang myself with. Insulting your hero? Not so cool.
#2:Last night Heather and I went out with some awesome bloggers…my BFF (inside joke, sorry) Meghan and her awesome sister in law, Jen, Nanette, and Merlot Mom. Long story short…we were at a bar with free drinks because Primo Water wanted to tell us about their awesome, eco friendly water. One of the gals they hired to tell us about their product (Heather…don’t get mad….I love you!!!) was ga-ga-gorgeous. She looked like Shannon Doherty at twenty-two but way better, and Shannon was a looker, y’all.
My wife is prettier, I know, but nonetheless I was chatting with this very attractive gal (Becky? Beth?) and was totally having a great convo with her.
Listen to my smooth ass: “You are so beautiful you must be an actress or model when you’re not doing this.”
The girl smiled. I then looked over at Heather who shook her head, amused. She was like “Oh, look at my fat hubby try to talk to a girl.”
ANYHOO…the girl then said she was an actress, so I said…and again I must repeat that it was funny in my mind…I said, “Well, you must be a terrible actress because you are way too beautiful not to be getting work.”
That’s funny, right? No?
Anger flashed in her eyes before she waved goodbye all sassy and walked off. I slumped over to Heather who patted me on the back and told me that she thinks I am adorable in how inept I am with the ladies. We then had this conversation:
Me: “How the F did I ever get you to dig me? You be the bomb and what not and I must have said something lame to you in the beginning.”
Heather; “Yeah, you did. But I let it slide because I thought you were hot.”
Me: “Really? Hot?”
Heather nodded. I shook my head.
Me: “Nah, YOU ARE!”
Heather: “No, YOU ARE!”
Me:”No, YOU ARE!”
And on and on. We are kinda obnoxious that way.
Speaking of Heather, she said I can’t post this until I mention my all time number one foot in mouth. It was at a party at her place way back when, one of the first times we met, and I was chatting with her friend, Hardcore (a girl…that’s just her nickname).
Heather – although she will never admit it – couldn’t give a shizzat about me because some rich and handsome doctor she met somewhere was there (blah, blah, vomit, blah) and she was all about him (Note: I won in the end though, so suck it rich doctor schmo!!!).
Anyway, I met this girl Hardcore and immediately blurted out, “Oh my God! You look like Carnie Wilson!” Hardcore glared at me and took off. Later, I was told, her brother was on a mission to kill me. BUT…I had just seen a special on Carnie Wilson who had just lost a crap load of weight and looked amazing! In my mind I was complimenting Hardcore, but in her mind…and probably everyone else’s…she pictured the gigantic Carnie singing on the sand next to those two skinny beeyotches. Oh well. Hardcore is now my friend…I hope! And she is still very pretty in the skinny Carnie way I meant!
Whoo. I’m tired now. From now on I will only talk to Heather (wait, I say stupid stuff to her too) and Maddie who can’t speak. And Rigby. Rigby never judges me for saying stupid stuff!