Today I woke up with a horrible, heavy feeling weighing down on me. I had been feeling “off” all week, but this was much, much worse. All I wanted to do was pull the sheets over my head and stay there, but there were, of course, things to do, so I dragged myself out of bed.
As Heather mentioned in her post today, Rigby got hurt last night, so one of the things I had to do was take the pup to the vet. On the way over I was consumed with worry until I reminded myself that Rigby had just hurt her leg and would be better in no time. I calmed until I realized that this is exactly how I felt when Madeline was hospitalized the last time. She just had a little cold and (I thought) would be better in no time.
For the rest of the drive I felt sick to my stomach, flashing back to the horrors of Madeline’s last few days, and it made me reflect upon how changed I have been by everything that happened. There are many ways this is true, but one (small) example is that I am so much quicker to cry now than I used to be. This can be very embarrassing, especially when I find myself crying at the stupidest things like insurance company commercials, top forty love songs, and cheesy movies.
The cheesy movies are the worst. When I find myself wet-eyed during some lame emotional scene I pray that no one in the theater looks over. Those who do look over likely are amused at the sight, thinking that I am crying over the saccharine scene on the screen, but that’s not why I cry.
I cry because I miss my baby.
Grief is such a personal thing that it is hard to give advice on how to survive it. There is, however, one bit of advice that has proven itself to be more and more sage as time goes on. Here it is: Don’t beat yourself up with guilt over the times that you find yourself feeling okay or even good. The grief is going to creep back soon enough, and when it does, it will beat the hell out of you. It always does.
Oh mate. You are SUCH a beautiful man.
A few hours ago, we found two enormous tics on our dog so we took her straight to the vet, who found three more. All five are badass paralysis tics, and Mischka went downhill before our eyes. Back legs gave way and she was so confused. We had to leave her there, the vet said she may not make it through the night. I feel sick, and went to the shops and just cried and wanted to shout “SHE MAY NOT MAKE IT” to all the people like a crazy lady. I think I’m deeply triggered from previous stuff.
Life is no goddamn picnic.
Mike I hope you’re able to be kind to yourself today. Thinking of you, and that gorgeous wife of yours.
Amy W says:
I hope your doggie is okay!
She is, Amy. Thanks for asking! Spohr readers are the BEST. X
oh Mike, there is nothing I can say or do to make it better… I wish there was a way we could wrap you guys in love and
make your family whole again…
Love to you. xo
Cry, Mike. You are allowed to miss your baby forever.
No words…just…bless you guys.
Amen. And the crappy days just seem to sneak back in. Cry forever, if that’s what you feel like. Sorry this is a bad day.
Thank you for sharing this.
We have been through a similar loss to you and Heather and it does change how you see the world.
Once the worst thing ever has happened you can no longer live in your ‘these things don’t happen to me’ bubble. It forces you to look life and death in the eye and sometimes this should make you cry. You are crying because you have a caring, feeling and loving heart. Don’t ever change xox
You are so right. Grief is indeed personal. It hurts. It permeates us. It gets better. And then it gets worse again. It’s a process, and a slow one at that.
You’re so wise, and I applaud you for being honest with yourself. Crying is a pure and honest thing and it can have healing properties. Lots of men just harden themselves and ignore their true feelings, which almost always has disastrous results. You’re doing a great job of being human.
I wish that there was a way to get past all of the pain of grief and just be done with it, but life doesn’t work that way (and I hate that!).
I hope that Rigby has a quick recovery. Be good to yourself, Mike. You and Heather are doing a great job of walking through the unthinkable.
your are a great writer! This just breaks my heart! Praying for you guys and hoping you have more better days then bad days! You have a PRECIOUS family!
Your words have touched so many people. We can never truly understand your pain, but we cry with you too.
One of the best lessons in wisdom I received is that “This too shall pass”– both the good and the bad. Enjoy the ups because a downer is sure to come… and vice versa.
Hope you’re feeling “up” again soon. Wishing you the best.
I cry with you and Heather. Hoping you are feeling up again soon.
(((HUGS))) to you all
I’ve been following your blog for some time now but, in general, I’m not a blog commenter. My dad passed away(I hate this phrase) 14 yrs ago and since that time I’ve also found that I cry much more easily as well. I cry when reading a weight loss story while on the treadmill at the gym and while watching news stories at night. I’m very sorry for your family’s grief and I wish you the strength and will to get out of bed every day and carry on in the face of it.
Thinking of you. Wishing you peaceful days ahead.
Mike, you’re awesome and so strong. It’s ok to have bad days and to cry and like you said, let yourself have good days too. I can see why it would be hard to let yourself enjoy things, but please do. It’s ok to be happy at time, Maddie would want you to be.
Grief is such a mysterious monster. Life is never the same. I’m so glad that you are blessed with an amazing family and support group and that you’re able to talk about it. Sometimes just the act of crying can make it a little better.
Amy Collen says:
Yup, the tears are flowing today. I miss my baby too.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting Mike!! Sending you a warm hug of support. I too wish she was there with you. I miss Maddie too but I know my sadness is NOTHING compared to yours. Thinking of you!!!
It makes me sad that society expects men not to cry. Men have just as much right to have emotion and cry as women do. I hope letting out your emotions helps. I’m so sorry.
Oh, Mike. Wishing you strength in dealing with the grief when it rears its ugly head, and sending you (and Heather and Annie) much love.
Anthony from CharismaticKid says:
You are ALLOWED to cry. You’ve been trhough something many others have not.
I can’t tell you how many times I wish I could get you your baby back. You deserve to have her with you, and the world is so infaiar that you don’t. So much love.
Very honest post. That is brave, touching writing. Thank you.
I can’t quite find the right words to say, but I just wanted to send warm thoughts to you and Heather and your family. I can’t even imagine what you go through emotionally on a daily basis. I try to imagine it, and just trying to breaks my heart into a million pieces. My heart really does go out to you. Take care.
I wish I could say something profound that would heal your hurt. I wish I could make the pain go away for you and your entire family. I wish your darling Maddie was with you and Heather, where she belongs.
You are such an amazing writer, and I hope that blogging brings you a little peace on the harder days. I hope you know you have touched so many lives, and you have so many hearts that will always remember your sweet girl.
Love to all of you, today and every day.
Ever since we lost our daughter I always feel like the tears could come at any moment. It took me a long time to be able to truly experience joy again without feeling guilty but it is so worth it. I needed to be able to do it for myself and for my kids. I’m glad that you and Heather can too.
so true. it will creep in….and make itself comfortable for quite some time…
no advice. just cuddos on how well you’re handling it!
I am sorry that you have to miss your Madeline at all.