When I was ten or so my cousin died in a scuba diving accident in Australia. I remember going to my aunt’s house and seeing a cardboard package sitting on the counter that the mailman had just delivered from the Australian government. It held my cousin’s remains. As I looked at it I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for my aunt, and from that point on things always felt different around her. Everyone could be laughing and having a great time, but if a scene featuring scuba diving came on the television, or if there was a mention of someone passing too soon, a tension could be felt in the room. Though everyone would try their best to continue laughing and smiling, what happened was never far from anyone’s mind.
A few years later the sister of one of my junior high classmates died in a car crash. When my classmate returned to school I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. Sometimes I would end up behind her in the lunch line and we’d chat a little. As we exchanged pleasantries, however, I couldn’t stop thinking about how she had lost her sister. I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. I remember a rowdy assembly where a number of kids addressed the school, and each had to speak over muffled heckles and scattered chatter…that is until the girl whose sister died stepped to the microphone. Then there was perfect silence. When she finished and started off the stage, the chatter and heckling returned. As with my aunt, things with this girl were now different.
Until the events of April I still couldn’t imagine what people like my aunt and former classmate went through. Not anymore. Now I am the person that causes a hush to fall when I enter a room, now I am the one who is the recipient of sad smiles and forced gaiety, and when there is a mention of parenting or a child who passed away, I can feel the tension fall over those around me.
It’s okay though. I understand it and don’t expect anyone to act any differently. I acted the same way, and really, there is no other way for anyone to act. Things are different. I am different. My life is different.
Patty says:
Mike, I do understand. I so wish you didn’t have to suffer through all of this pain! I would like to give u something right now… It’s a virtual hug from me to u and Heather!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Here I am, thanks to Legolas! =-.
Kirsten says:
So true. My father died when I was in 3rd grade and the worst part for me was feeling different… like the kid no one knew how to approach. It was tough. My heart goes our to you and Heather.
.-= Kirsten´s last blog ..The Laptop or the Diet Pepsi? =-.
Loralee says:
You’ll always be different, I think.
I know I will.
So much more of me has come back over the last 6 years, but I will never, ever be the same. And I wouldn’t want to be without my bug. I feel like I SHOULD always be different because he will always be gone.
I wish THAT were different.
For both of us.
xo, friend.
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Reason 159002 I want this damn tooth fixed, already. =-.
Susan says:
*Hugs* Thank you for writing about this…and please know so many people out there love you and Heather, Maddie, and Binky.
.-= Susan ´s last blog ..Hands =-.
Dagmar Bleasdale says:
Hi, I just wanted to send a hug and a hi from New York. I learned about Maddie through other mom blogs and am so sorry that you lost her. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel… I wish you and Heather all the best for this new pregnancy. I pray that this one will be without problems. Best, Dagmar
.-= Dagmar Bleasdale´s last blog ..“Not Me” Monday =-.
chrissi says:
I truly DO understand..
I know that I will be different, always .
With part of my heart gone, how can I not be?
Love to you, Heather and little Binky..
.-= chrissi´s last blog ..My tears fill the ocean.. =-.
Sally says:
Yep, I get you Mike. People treat me differently now, too. I don’t blame them, our situation is what it is, but yeah, it does take some getting used to. I’m a year in to life without our daughter, so you’re a bit newer to this than me, but I think it does get easier. Sort of.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..No one is immune =-.
Cinthia says:
We all feel for you, and I think everyone who reads your blog or Heather’s think that the two of you are just awesome people; wonderful, loving, fabulous parents, and that losing Maddie was the shittiest thing imaginable and we all wish we could change things, and make things better, but we can’t.
So we try to say nice things, the “right” thinh, but really, we’re just hoping you guys get that we love you (though we don’t even know you) and hope that whatever comes out of our mouths doesn’t come out wrong and hopefully that in a way it brings you a little comfort.
amanda says:
I know exactly what you are talking about – and am so sad that you have to be on the other end of it – but you know it’s just people trying to say or act the “right” way -to be respectful to you and Maddie – it’s impossible to know what to say when you’re on either side of it – but I hope it gets easier as time passes. xo from CT, Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..me, my dog, my life =-.
Aunt Becky says:
I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Songs To Break-Up To (Part Number =-.
sam {temptingmama} says:
Thinking of you! XOXO
I can’t even pretend to imagine what you’re going through, but know that I am here. Always.
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Keep on Keepin’ On =-.
MBKimmy says:
Mike – I never really know what to say – never know if I should say anything at all … I hate to think that I may be wasting your time so I often don’t comment – then I think later what if you would have left a comment that made him and Heather smile?! What “if” and then I get angry at myself – how can I ask what “if” when I am sure the what “if’s” at your house are never to far from you. AACK … and then I start to ramble … I am SORRY I pray for you often, I think of all 3 of you everyday! Everyday I pray for something GOOD to remind you of Maddie – something that warms your heart and that doesn’t “hurt” your heart. I pray for you and Heather to be strong, to hold one another and to love one another even in the darkest of days.
Much love and prayers!
.-= MBKimmy´s last blog ..Look for a CHANGE =-.
Lisa says:
Thinking of you and sending hugs. The different that you feel will always be there I’m sure. When I lost my father things became different for me too. Now whenever there is talk of fathers I see people give me the sideways glance. It never goes away, even 10 years later. I’m glad you wrote this.
Hugs
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..First Camping Trip =-.
AmazingGreis says:
Thinking of you always!
XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..It’s opening day… =-.
Danielle says:
Hugs!!!!
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Gimme Smore 4 day weekends please =-.
Amy Collen says:
Hi Mike!
Yes, this has happened to me as well. This may change once Binky is born though. I have found that people do feel uncomfortable talking about death (and that’s normal). You may find that once Binky is born some people may almost seem to “forget” about Maddie. Now, trust me, they don’t forget. They just want to be happy for you and some may figure that you would rather focus on your newborn. I went through this with my twin boys. It may be difficult for you in the future to explain all the circumstances regarding Maddie when a stranger asks you, “Is this your first child?” or “How many children do you have?” I wear little boy charms on my necklace and one of them has wings. It kind of lets people know ahead of time.
Yes, you will always feel different but that doesn’t mean that you are alone…
Amy
tara says:
mike, thinking of you and sending you and heather and maddie love and hugs, every day.
Amanda says:
Ten years out I can say that, in time, it does change. It doesn’t get ‘easier’, it doesn’t get ‘forgettable’ but it does get different and it gets different not in a bad way – or at least it didn’t for me.
I get it and I wish that I was the last person on earth that ‘got it’.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Are you ready for some football??? =-.
Kelly says:
My friends lost their son. No one knows how to act around them. I never like to see people feel uncomfortable, but they are so unsure on how to act around her, they usually start off with small talk and then they seem to blurt out, in a low whiney voice, “How are you?” Those three words have changed dramatically for her in the last months because it used to be just a friendly question someone would ask. Now it has taken on a new meaning. There is more care and concern and a little bit of uneasiness about that question. They ask it, but they don’t know if they are prepared for the answer. The question makes her uncomfortable and comforted all at once. She is happy for the concern,but then not sure if they want the truth or a lie. Then she lets them off a hook with a long blink and a nod and says, “I’m doing okay.” But then she wonders if she should have said the truth so she can have another opportunity to talk about her son some more. In the beginning everyone is there, then human nature takes over and they feel if they do not talk about it with her, that she will somehow not feel as lost as she does. But she is not ready to stop talking about him. I rememember my husbands Grandmother being the same way. Her son died when he was only 19 years old and no one talked about him. I only knew her as a parent who lost her child. I never knew her before, but when she died, we inherieted so many of her pictures and you can tell what photos were taken when her son was alive and ones after he passed. You can tell by looking at her smile. She always said that the sting of it all dulls, but the road you need to travel when you lose a child is sometimes an uphill battle, sometimes she could just cruise but she was never sure what emotion lies ahead, its just a matter of learning how to navigate. I can not imagine your pain, but I pray for peace for you and Heather all the time.
Kate Coveny Hood says:
No matter what – it’s always worse with a child. So I can’t make any personal comparisons. It’s just not the same. But I can *imagine* this (maybe like you did with your aunt’s loss?) and I think you are incredibly brave. Both of you.
.-= Kate Coveny Hood´s last blog ..My Children Are Gross and Annoying =-.
Dawn says:
I only have the perspective of a child losing her mother, not a mother losing her child. It sucks either way. As always, my thoughts are with you and Heather.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..birthday blues =-.
Karen says:
This song made me think of you and Heather. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight, as always.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
At Maddie’s service, I kept wondering what to say to you and Heather… because, what’s appropriate? What’s not? UGH, gah! Finding that new “normal” is so hard for the rest of us, it must be a kozillion times harder for the two of you.
I know that “you” are still there, but on top of that is the you that lost Madeline. You without Madeline is… unfathomable. Is it ok to laugh? Ok to tell you off color jokes? Ok to tease you? I want so much to be gentle, but not – what’s the word I’m looking for – callous. And most of all, I don’t want to shy away because I don’t know how to act. So I’ll fumble along, hoping not to be inappropriate. I love you guys so much!
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..What a Day =-.
Krissa says:
Considering the difficulty I have as a reader finding the words to simply leave comments sometimes, I can really imagine what you and Heather and those who know you from before Maddie’s passing must go through sometimes. This is one of those times I’m not coming up with words to express myself very well. And it’s because of that fear of saying/writing something that is going to cause more pain. I truly hope that one day, it gets even a little bit easier for you two. And that in time, although it will never be the same, it won’t be as extreme as it is now. I don’t know if that’s possible. But I know one thing, even though I never met her, I will never forget your little Maddie. (((Hugs)))
Deborah says:
My cousin lost his son very unexpectedly when he was the same age as Maddie. I suppose as the years have gone on, I’m less skittish about bringing him up. I mean it’s not like they’ve forgotten about him and a mention by me or anyone else is suddenly going to make them remember their son. I think they find great joy in remembering him and in sharing happy memories from when he was alive.
Sending as many hugs and comforting thoughts to you and Heather as I can.
Molly says:
Reading this post (I’ve read it three times now over the past three days) makes me fear that I would be one of those people. It’s so tough. A fried of mine, who lost a baby at 22 weeks gestation (not the same, I know) has taken an interesting path, I think. She’s had two children (and another loss) since, and she talks about that first loss all the time. To anybody who will listen. Only she is not pushy and she doesn’t get emotional–she just volunteers what happened to her. She says she thinks it’s important for people to know what happened (she went into the preterm labor, which may have been mismanaged by the hospital) so that it doesn’t happen to them. It will probably be a long time before and Heather are ready to say, talk to the supermarket clerk all about Maddie, but my friend says doing this really helped with her healing process.
Hang in there, you guys. And thanks for sharing your lives with us.
ONE CRUSTY MOM-E says:
i wish i knew what to say..except my heart hurts for you and i was almost part of that “different category” this past May when my 30 year old brother, was hit drivers side at 40mph by a semi-
life is cruel and yet balanced with hidden discovered joys and laughter.
May today be a good one for you and your wonderful wife and Binky 2
.-= ONE CRUSTY MOM-E´s last blog ..There’s A Cougar On The Loose! =-.
Al_Pal says:
Always different. Always loving parents of Maddie.
I remember hearing someone ask, after a loss, “but how’s your heart?”–far more probing than “how are you”.
*Hugs*
susan says:
What moves us is a silence, a quiet sadness, a longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch. We may not understand why you left this earth so soon or why you left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little we begin to remember not that you died but that you lived…and that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.
in honor of Magnificent Maddie
kanishk says:
Ten years out I can say that, in time, it does change. It doesn’t get ‘easier’, it doesn’t get ‘forgettable’ but it does get different and it gets different not in a bad way – or at least it didn’t for me.
Make website india
Shannon Kieta says:
Mike,
Last September, a week after my beautiful daughter Abbie was born, my 53 year old sister was diagnosed with small cell Lung Cancer. The doctors told her she had 4 months to a year. They said if she did Chemo and Radiation, she would live a year. Well, she did all her Chemo: all her Radiation, lasted through the Holidays and on the morning of Janurary 3rd, my phone rang. It was my mom. She said my sister was being rushed to the hospital because she had Cardiac Arrest. She never made it. We never even had enough time to process the fact that she had the Cancer, and she was gone. I still remember her being at my house on Christmas. She was sooo happy to see my daughter. She held her the ENTIRE day! I have so many beautiful pictures of her that day! Especially ones of her and my kids. I know these Holdays are going to SUCK big time, but they must go on! But no matter how sad I am….Your pain is a boat load more! Losing a child is a whole different pain. Dearest Mike, I hope one day your pain will leesen, perhaps when Binky arrives. That is why Maddie gave her to you. To help you both throught this horrific time. Now is the time to start planning the arrival of your precious new baby…without guilt!!! Maddie would NOT want you to feel guilty about being happy to meet your new daughter!!! Trust me, that little girl is the reason that baby is here! You and Heather are a strong couple, you should be proud of yourselves for coming out of this together. Most couples fall apart…you both seem closer than ever….Kudos to you!!! I hope everything gets better for the both of you, and you can enjoy a little bit of this pregnancy!!! Shannon
gypsygrrl says:
the funny thing with grief? no matter WHO we have lost, we are truly never the same, even if its only a silent place in our heart that isnt the same. grief is forever. if it didnt last forever, it would mean our love for the person we lost was somehow lessened or diminished. we go on and learn to live in the new reality, and how to function with the missing them.
i know that i only know you and heather thru this computer screen, but my heart has been changed by the loss of your smiling beauty called maddie, and in my own way i feel her loss in this world. maddie is carried in so many peoples hearts whose faces you wont ever see, whose voices you wont ever hear… but perhaps as a legacy to her shining blue eyes and that pretty grin, we can take with us the lesson to love fiercely and in the now and not wait to tell those we love how much we care… this is what maddie reminds me of.
much love,
gypsy
Issa says:
Mike, I just wanted to come and say that I’m thinking about you guys today. Sending tons of love your way.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Remembering Maddie =-.
Kristen McD says:
Thinking of you and your family today.
WM says:
Death changes everything. And grief is so individualized. It is hard to know how to respond or what to say or what the person really needs. I always worry about saying something stupid in situations where someone has lost a loved one. But what I can do is to offer support in whatever way you need or want it. I think about you and Heather often.
Mostly I’m just wishing you peace.
hugs!
.-= WM´s last blog ..Celebrating my favorite breast cancer survivor =-.
Duff says:
I’m so sorry for your loss. And that’s one of those things that people say that falls so hugely short of what is needed, it’s pitiful. But I really am sorry.
The thing that strikes me about grief is how the world can continue to go on for others while one is facing it.
I have been the lunchline you, and the nephew you, and that’s as far as my empathy can take me. But I do think it’s wonderful that you can allow people their inability to say or do the right thing. And you remind me that anyone who has ever fallen short of providing comfort to someone who is grieving has the best intentions.
.-= Duff´s last blog ..The Best Working Mom Blog Giveaway =-.
middle-aged-woman says:
Mike, I can’t find your email address, and I am hoping you will contact me. I am trying to arrange something special for you and Heather. It’s a promotional thing for Friends of Maddie, that I would like to go up next week on the 11th. Please e-mail if you have a chance–
Thanks,
Mary
.-= middle-aged-woman´s last blog ..My New True Love =-.
Krissa says:
Thinking of you guys and your families today. Will be keeping you all even closer to my heart on the 11th. (((Hugs)))
Jesa McGinty says:
My thoughts are with you.Every tear I’ve shed since reading this is a tear I hope you don’t have to. Nothing will ever be the same, but it will get better.