“Did you see this ridiculous thing on Facebook?” If you’re anything like me, you probably say something along those lines to your spouse/partner/friend on a daily basis. Most of the time I just roll my eyes and keep scrolling, but yesterday something popped up in my feed that rubbed me the wrong way. You may have seen it – its been around a couple months and shared over 13,000 times. It’s a post called “Dear Mom on the iPhone,” and in a lot of ways it just struck me as…wrong.
Here’s a link to the post, but the gist is that it’s a letter written to a mom at the park who the author believes was neglecting her children in favor of her iPhone. The tone drips with superiority/judgment:
“Your little boy keeps shouting, ‘Mom, MOM watch this!’ I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way. He sees that too. His shoulders slump…”
“Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it… You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.”
“You’ve shown them, all these moments, that the phone is more important than they are.”
I’ll get to the tone of the post in a minute, but that wasn’t the only thing that bugged me. I was also struck by how out of step with the times it seemed. Technology is a part of modern society – technology is a part of modern parenting – and that isn’t a bad thing. Smart phones are just one of the many types of technology that parents use, but they do a lot of good.
One example is that smart phones help keep parents connected when they’re away from the home/office. I remember when I was a kid there were many days when my Dad couldn’t take me anywhere because he couldn’t risk leaving our home office and missing an important call. Nowadays, smart phones free parents to get out into the world and spend quality time with their kids. You think parents are distracted at the park with iPhones? Back in the day parents were way more distracted worrying about what they were missing while pushing their kid on the swing.
Another terrific benefit of smart phones is that they can keep parents in touch with their kids when they’re not with them. When Heather and Annie go somewhere together when I have to work, Heather sends me texts, photos, and videos about what they’re doing. Sometimes we even FaceTime. And when Heather is the one stuck working, I do the same for her. These things help us stay connected to Annie. I’m so thankful that I live now and not back in the day when, once you left for work, you had no real contact with your family until you returned home at the end of the day.
It’s easy to idealize the good ol’ days, but I don’t remember parents being so much more attentive or tuned in when I was a kid. Parents found plenty of ways to distract themselves back then (talking to other parents, reading a book), and they always had a million errands to run which always cut into how long they could stay at the park – errands that today’s parents could take care of with a smart phone.
Okay, so I said I’d touch on the tone of the piece. I didn’t appreciate how it seemed like one big guilt trip… another example of mom (and dad) shaming that happens so much on the Internet. Not using a smart phone at the park doesn’t make you a good parent anymore than using one makes you a bad parent. Being a bad parent makes you a bad parent, and those come in all kinds (thankfully so do good parents).
It should go without saying that if a parent is so addicted to technology that it causes them to ignore their kids, they have a serious problem. But I’ve seen a smart phone in the hand of just about every parent in my circle at one time or another, and I consider all of them to be good (if not great) parents. Having a phone doesn’t mean you’re phoning it in.
Heather says:
I wish there was a clearer distinction in articles like this between the parents who use their phone (smart or not) as a tool and those who are addicted to technology.
I have to carry a phone at all times, I have two busy kids (dance, riding lessons, etc) and I run a full time daycare from my home. If there was an emergency, my kids, my husband, my DC parents need to be able to reach me.
I read the original blog and could easily judge right back at a parent who takes pictures of their child learning that his grandfather is dying, in tears, posting it publicly. Perhaps she should have put down her camera and comforted her son in his moment of very real grief. It’s a very kettle calling out the pot moment.
Tonya says:
Amen!
I read that post a while back and it rubbed me all sorts of wrong. I cannot stand the competitive parenting that has swept the nation, and I cannot stand this woman’s holier than thou tone.
Parents in our day didn’t ignore us because of a smart phone….they ignored us because we were KIDS and while they loved us, their lives
didn’t revolve around us. And we were better for it.
Heck yeah, I may be texting at the park…..but I’m at the PARK. Where the kid wants to be! Where I probably would rather not be. Yes, my husband has his phone at all times, be it on vacation, as we are boating, when he’s pitching softballs in the backyard. That phone is the link to the business that provides us a pretty nice life. Without the phone, Daddy wouldn’t be on the boat on a Tuesday afternoon and he wouldn’t be having that pre-game practice after school.
Anyway, your post was great. It just got me fired up way too early.
Michelle says:
Thanks for writing this Mike!
KHorn says:
While I agree that using a phone when you’re with your kids does not make you a bad parent at all, and I have done it many many times, I get what the article was trying to say. I have been guilty many times of looking at Facebook or some other unimportant item and missed something my daughter wanted me to see her do while playing. I think it’s important to stay connected to your remaining duties and other family members throughout the day, but if what is distracting you is something really unimportant (s/a Facebook) then I think you should put your phone down and pay attention to your kids.
miriam says:
Yes, I agree with this. I appreciate the point Mike is making – but I think there is a tendency to abuse the always connected nature of the smart phone. I know I’m guilty of it. I’m trying to be more in the moment with the kids vs. glued to facebook or twitter.
ColleenMN says:
I agree with you about the judging. People do way too much judging of other parents. I think it mostly comes from a place of defensiveness. If a parent parents in a way that is different from someone else’s, a person judges because they fear it might be better than their own parenting. Smartphones, computers, social media are all great tools, but can be abused. It’s a fine line but it’s a line that is not mine to draw. If you, or any other parent, is on the phone and misses a moment at the park, it is not the end of the world. It is not necessary to see every move, every smile, every twist and turn. Balance is the key and I have a great deal of confidence that most parents understand that. The women that wrote that “letter” was seeing just a snippet of time between the parent and her kids, not the totality. Everyone needs to understand that.
Karen says:
Well said!
Karen says:
I gave up judging other people for Lent. I know, silly really, but I felt like everyone around me was always casting blame on parents for everything in the world.
I have to say that it was so freeing and made me feel so much better about myself to not judge someone else. I continue it to this day.
So, when you see someone pushing a swing while glancing at their screen, and you think something negative – give that person the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they made a mistake at work and are waiting to hear if they are still employed. Maybe they are being moved and are anxiously waiting for the realtor. Maybe their child was just given a medical or developmental diagnosis and they are scared and trying to research while distracting the child….who KNOWS! Maybe a sick relative is in surgery. Just maybe there is something about them you do not know and so you shouldn’t judge. Thanks for the post, Mike. I agree 100%.
BYW – on a recent business trip – I used my razor to chat with my kids in real time. I gave them a tour of a historic downtown area, showed them some interesting culture and made it an educational lesson my son told his class about the next day. Technology is incredible!
Brandy says:
My mother in law posted this to Facebook and it was VERY irritating. For one, how does she think I send her those photos of the kids on the slide or climbing the mini rock wall? Guess what: I’m not scanning in polaroids. Also, she has told me many stories of knitting or crocheting or reading while at the park with her kids (or grandkids). I think there’s some idea with people that doing those things is more valuable or intellectual than being on a smart phone. Well, I’m often reading CNN or NPR. I might be, as Mike mentioned, reading/answering work emails so I don’t have to keep the kids cooped up in the house. But I’m scarring my children by not giving them constant, undivided attention? I think giving them constant, undivided attention is probably more detrimental.
Trisha says:
I wonder what the authors children were doing while she was writing an article scathing another mother. Really wish the moms and dads of this day and age would team up for one another instead of tear up one another. Raising kids is hard enough without the scrutiny and criticism of other parents.
Thanks for the insight Mike. Great post as usual!
Veronica says:
I too found it annoying, and I only recently got a ‘smart phone’. There are some good points in the article and, like you said, parent shaming to the max. But I have found some people that I am repeatedly with and know, doing exactly what this poem is supposed to guilt them into doing – putting down the phone. I know of a mother who’s son has learning disabilities and is borderline autistic. We have met at the park on several occasions and she just sets him up and sits down and gets on her phone. To talk to her it’s like talking to a kid watching TV, as just a parent. But sometimes I get really mad when we are in a situation that really requires complete parental attention – like at the river with a 3 year old. He was curious and trying to engage his mom, and he had no idea about boundaries with the water (too deep, too fast, too far out, out of sight). So I felt like I had to step in a watch him with my own children. He rarely interacts with people, but this was entirely new to him and he just wanted to show his mom everything and ask questions. When your child is rarely in want or need of your attention, it is important to grasp at and hold onto those moments when they are! I felt bad for the mom, who complains about how he never wants to do things with her or ask her for help, and I felt bad for the child who opened up and his mother wasn’t there to do things with him. If you are constantly in your phone – you are not aware of what is going on around you. There has to be a balance. But I agree that poem was written with a first-impression-glance at someone they do not know and have no idea what is actually going on. Key point, do not judge, and by God stop the shaming!
Steph says:
I, too, am so tired of the know-it-alls. There is this mom in my neighborhood I steer clear of. I think of her as the “you should” lady. Every time I see her she has another “you should” for me (e.g. “you should” send your daughters to public school; switch music teachers; go to certain meeting). Oh my word, one of these days I may tell her what “she should” do:) No, I’ll just smile and think it.
Annalisa says:
Ahahahaha! I’d love to be a fly on the wall if you ever do!
Vera says:
OH that article annoyed me! First of all, I work full time as an attorney, and I am SO blessed that I have a very flexible job. I can leave work to have lunch with my daughter at school or go on field trips, or just take off early on a beautiful day to take the kids to the playground…as long as I can respond to emergency emails and phone calls when they come up. Thank you iPhone! Being able to leave work and be with my kids is wonderful, even if I am (ever so slightly) distracted by having to keep an eye on work. ALSO, I think it’s ridiculous to say that being a good parent means giving your child all your attention all the time. YES, sometimes we need to get on the floor and play with our kids and be available to them to talk to with undivided attention. But children also need to learn to play on their own, and giving them the freedom to play and the luxury of being bored so they are forced to make new friends at the playground or come up with the creativity to make up a game is so important! We live across the street from the playground, and I take my kids over there and then park myself on the bench and read a book while they run around. That semi-supervised time is sacred! I don’t know what kind of childhood others had, but when I was a kid we just wandered around the neighborhood or stayed in the backyard WITHOUT PARENTS, and that is when the most precious memories of my childhood happened. I feel completely confident that my children feel loved and that I am there for them when they need me. We eat dinner together as a family every night, I take them on one on one lunch or ice cream dates, we read together before bed and often end up talking. I get down on the floor and play Legos or paint with them. But most of the time? They are perfectly capable of having a great time and being happy without me, and that is a GOOD THING – not for me and my precious iPhone, but for THEM!
robin says:
Your comment was the best thing I’ve read all day ….. thank you for that!
Annalisa says:
I tend to think of parents who judge others as insecure about their own parenting. After all, if you were prioritizing your child, would you even find the time to notice what other parents are doing unless there’s screaming and crying involved? At the park, I am busy enough chasing my toddler as she tries to run in front of moving swings that I don’t even notice what the other moms look like or where they are, let alone what is in their hands (and I don’t doubt some of them judge me…).
When the other mom was tracking iPhone mom, where was HER kid? Betcha she wasn’t paying as much attention to him/her as she was in sizing up this other mom.
Alicia S says:
I HATE that post. Dear Lord how I hate it. I refrained from saying so on my FB because I’m always raining on people’s self righteous parades online, ergo my twitter name is Cranky Lady (no lie). So thanks for this because for once it won’t be me pointing on the judgey-ness of a FB phenom.
Courtney says:
When I read this piece, all I could think was, “this lady has clearly never witnessed REALLY questionable parenting.” I work in an urban school and, believe me, this is extremely tame compared to the stuff I’ve seen. At least these phone-browsing parents brought their kids to a park in the first place!
Beth says:
OH MY GOD. I thought I was the only one who disliked that stupid letter! I’m not addicted technology (just got a smart phone a few months ago) so I couldn’t figure out why it left me feeling defensive. I think my disconnect comes where it is apparently no longer good enough to take your kids to the park, now we have to play with them every second they are there? Because, I’ll tell you what I’ve realized after three kids and lots of observation. LET YOUR KIDS PLAY. Without your interference. When grown ups play with kids we almost invariably structure and constrain their play in ways that make sense to us. “No, you do it this way.” “That’s not how you make that work.” “Here let me do it.” Pay attention next time you play or see another adult play with a child. I’m certainly not saying it’s bad to play with your kids. But I do think we need to allow children time to play without our interference. And shaming another parent for allowing their child the freedom to play as a child (and using the downtime to check Facebook) is a ridiculous way to turn a lovely, healthy and positive event into just another way we’re failing at parenthood. Lighten up!
Melissa says:
Thought you’d like this letter instead. Great response to the first:
http://friedokra4me.blogspot.com/2013/03/dear-mom-on-iphone-i-get-it.html
statia says:
Yeah, I wrote about that too. It seriously pissed me off. Because that person has NO idea what that person is like as a parent. You know, sometimes I take my kid to the park and play with them. Other times I take them just so I can have a break. Kids need to learn to be kids, and be independent. It’s true, we are totally multitasked to the max these days, but honestly, sometimes, just GO PLAY and let me have some peace and quiet. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s all a balance.
Auntie_M says:
Frankly, what I find weirder is when you see a group of friends out for dinner or a drink or whatever, and they are all on their phones instead of talking to each other. However, I also know from experience, that while some of these people may be playing games, chatting on FB, etc, many of them are simply checking in on their kids, making sure all is well on the homefront.
As for the article you mentioned. Haven’t read it. Don’t plan to. It sounds so condemning and so many parents deal with enough guilt trips as it is!
I love your point that thanks to smart phones, parents who would have once been stuck at the office can actually be out with their kids at the park, or volunteering at their schools, or attending events that are important to their kids.
Maybe the parent at the park who was observed that day was dealing with more than just work–maybe she had a sick parent she was also dealing with arrangements & care for. Maybe a friend was sick and she was checking in. Maybe she had a migraine & was looking up ways to deal with it so she could focus on her kids. Or maybe she was just having an off day! Regardless, who was this other person to judge???
Thank you, Mike, for the reality check! And for pointing out how many ways a smart phone can mean more quality time with a child. And reminding us that a bad parent is a bad parent, smart phone or not! Ditto with a good parent.