I think my baby might hate me. Sure, she smiles at me a lot, but someone recently told me that’s only because she has gas, so apparently my face, instead of eliciting joy, only makes her constipated. She also cries a lot in my presence, which, if I’ve learned anything from women, means she ain’t happy with me.

I know what you’re thinking. Babies can’t hate anyone. They don’t even know what hate is, and you’re totally right. But you know what? If babies did know what hate was they would totally hate their parents. You want to know why? Because we do things in their presence that we wouldn’t even think of doing in front of another adult.

Let me give you an example. After my wife left for work this morning that horrible new song by Usher “Love in This Club” popped into my head and wouldn’t get out, so I proceeded to sing it over and over. Not the whole song, mind you, just the line “I wanna make love in this club.” I also, for reasons unclear even to myself, sang it in a falsetto so high that even Prince would blush.

For the next hour and a half this was my daughter’s life:

While having her diaper changed… “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB!”

While eating her bottle… “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB!”

While trying to fall asleep… “I WANT TO MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB!”

It eventually dawned on me that if I had done this in front of an adult I likely would have been attacked with a blunt object. Since then I’ve done my best to act in front of my baby as I would an adult, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job. I’ve only sang the Usher song fifteen times or so.

I’m not alone here, am I? Make me feel better and tell me what annoying things you do, or have done, in front of your baby!