Here’s the thing, ladies. I really like you. For real. Cross my heart and pinky swear. (Note to self: I should really stop pinky swearing.) In fact, I think we’ve all become pretty good friends here so much so that I almost feel like one of the girls. Um, just to clarify, I don’t actually feel like a girl. I mean that I feel like one figuratively. You know what? Scratch the whole “Mike feels like a girl” thing.
Ahem. Moving on.
I like the guys who drop by here too, by the way. So much so that I almost feel like one of the guys. Wait a minute. That came out wrong. I AM one of the guys. I wasn’t trying to imply that I’m not a man.
Crap, this post is off to a very awkward beginning, but I am way too tired to start over so let me just cut to the chase, ladies. Today’s post may offend some of you. Here’s why:
I don’t get you.
I know, I know. Guys always say that. But this new confusion stems from something a lot weirder than the fact you like to shop too much or ask us if your butt looks fat in your jeans even though you already know it does and you’re just hoping we will say yes so you can yell at somebody over the fact your butt looks big.
The reason I don’t get you is because of what you watch on daytime television.
Now before we get too far into this I need to make a disclaimer: I know you ALL don’t watch this stuff, but it ain’t aimed at dudes. It’s aimed at ladies – and SOME of you must be watching or it wouldn’t be on the air.
So here’s the thing. I need some things explained. I pray you can help because this stay at home Dad is very confused.
THING CONFUSING TO A DUDE #1: THE LAST HOUR OF THE TODAY SHOW
What exactly do you enjoy about Kathy Lee Gifford and that chick named Yoda or whatever sitting around yammering? And why does every episode need to spend fifteen minutes discussing how some formerly fat lady lost weight?
THING CONFUSING TO A DUDE #2: THE MARTHA STEWART SHOW
It’s about a boring woman who won’t stop talking about making crafts, gardening, and cooking. FOR AN HOUR!!! EVERY DAY!!! How much do you need to know about making crafts? Fo’ real, ladies.
THING CONFUSING TO A DUDE #3: THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW
I should start by saying that I actually like this show, but for the love of all that is holy will someone please explain to me what is happening during the first five minutes when Ellen and about five hundred ladies start freaking each other? I mean if I was at The Tonight show and all of a sudden Jay started shaking it to “Love Shack” I would be weirded out. ESPECIALLY if he got right up next to me and shook his butt in my face. Every day I stare with an open mouth at this weirdness until it mercifully ends.
Please, please, please, ladies. Explain this stuff to me. If you do I promise I will totally help you understand Cops, Married With Children, and NASCAR.