This post is sponsored by Chase – a strong supporter of the National Eating Disorders Association.
There has been a lot of talk about how important it is for mothers to model a healthy body image for their children, but the role a father plays – though rarely discussed – is very important too. If our kids are to be as healthy and confident as possible, they need to have healthy and confident mothers AND fathers.
As I’ve discussed before, I had weight issues growing up, and they have definitely affected my body image. Even in my fittest days as an adult I was never crazy about what I saw in the mirror, and today, when I have a spare tire and could stand to lose 10-15 pounds, I like what I see even less.
Though the stereotypical image of a man is of tough guy who couldn’t care less about how he looks, that is a bunch of crap. Men may not verbalize their feelings, but they struggle with body image related self esteem just as women do. And while women obviously have a tough time with societal pressure to look a certain way, men feel pressure too. Often this pressure comes from other men who, far more than women, will come right out and say cruel stuff to your face like, “Dude! Been eating donuts every meal? You’ve gotten as fat as Jabba the Hut!” Though it is our job as men to laugh off these jabs and toss back an insult of our own, they still hurt and affect how we feel about ourselves.
Lately, when I have found myself complaining about my weight or looking in the mirror and saying I’m fat, it has occurred to me that these statements aren’t good ones for a parent to make. They shouldn’t be heard by Annie, who looks not just to her mother for guidance but her father as well, and they shouldn’t be heard by a son (should I have one in the future).
I need to start projecting a healthier body image, but to do this I have a bit of work ahead of me because – to my eyes – projecting a healthy body image doesn’t mean being okay with how you look regardless of how poorly you eat or how little you exercise. Projecting a healthy body image that sets the best example for your kids means being satisfied with the body you have when you make an effort to eat well and get some exercise. I will never have six pack abs (and likely always will have a bit of a tire around my waist… thanks, genetics), but if I respect myself by eating well and remaining active, I should be able to smile at myself in the mirror.
So that is the challenge I have before me, to treat myself better via food and exercise for myself and my kids. I would entreat other fathers to do the same because, as much as we men may pretend not to care how we look, we really do (admit it, bro), and it matters to our children far more than anyone is saying.
Jenn says:
GREAT post Mike!! I agree 100% Agree!!!
Kirsten says:
A great post and I agree and am sharing on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Aspiring-Change/132216300137852
so some more dads can be the great role model dad that are here.
Kate says:
Absolutely yes. From all parents, male and female.
As someone who grew up with a mother who constantly worried about her weight (and still worries), I can testify to how damaging that is for a child. Especially since my mother is 5’4″ and petite, but I am built like the women on my father’s side of the family: 5’9″ and broad as a linebacker. My self-image now, as an adult, is much improved, but as a teenager? I used to listen to my 130-pound mother gripe about wanting to lose 10 pounds while I outweighed her by 50.
And don’t get me started on women who sneer at their husbands/boyfriends/friends in general about eating habits. These are the women who nibble on salads with no dressing after picking the croutons off, and they are not exactly the pictures of nutritional health, either.
(I used to have friends like that. Used to.)
Rant done, but yes. Yes yes. Thumbs up.
Staci says:
Great post, and 100% agree. Its so sad that there’s such a stereotype applied to women only about body image. I even feared having a girl because I didn’t want to pass along my own issues. But, I have a boy and I’ve still found myself being very careful because his dad constantly talks about being fat (but it seems to be more of a joke for him) so my son makes comments as well.
I have to politely address Kate’s comment as its a very difficult and emotionally draining issue to constantly question your own body image and not one that easily just goes away because you will it to. And, while I would nibble on salads (I try very hard not to anymore) I don’t appreciate being judged for doing so, or to be given the notion my friends would have left me as a result of it. Shouldn’t a real friend love you for who you are, regardless?
Oh well. Keep up the good work, Mike!
Heather says:
My Father in law frequently makes comments about my husband’s weight whenever we see him. This drives me insane because my FIL is at least 60 pounds heavier than my husband! And my husband works out and eats right… can FIL say the same? Nope! And while my husband would never admit it, it stings.
Boys are cruel! No wonder girls go through the first part of our lives declaring they have cooties!
Courtney says:
Yes, yes, yes.
My father has an eating disorder, and serious body image issues. It’s affected me profoundly over the years, and not in a good way.
So glad you realize the importance of this. My husband does too. I’m thrilled that our girl will grow up in a self-accepting household.
meoskop says:
This is sooo important, especially for parents. I struggle with not passing body image issues onto my kids. My older one has always shown a strong proclivity toward them and worries me the most. Check your library for a copy of Good Girls Don’t Get Fat by Robyn Silverman – she had a great chapter on how fathers can impact young daughters body images in a positive (or negative) way. It really showed me some things I needed to change.
There’s a pic of the cover here – http://meoskop.blogspot.com/2010/10/review-good-girls-dont-get-fat-by-robyn.html
Auntie_M says:
Yay! Mike!! Thank you! Agree 100%! Also how men treat their wives and the positive feedback they give them about loving them and their bodies [not in weird sexual ways] in front of the kids will also affect the kids positively.
Well done, Mike!
Stefanie says:
Amen Mike, I think about this a lot and I swear that I never ever make disparaging comments about myself in the earshot of my children. I now work on not saying them even when there’s no one young to hear me. All the negative self talk in the world won’t make me healthy it will only make me feel bad. So I will try to eat better too. Starting tomorrow.
Lesley says:
Mike, you’re awesome – I always enjoy reading your point of view. Keep it up and thanks!
Heidi says:
I couldn’t agree with you more, Mike. And having a daughter who is 9, I’m already seeing the results of society’s pressure on looks. My daughter is a petite, slim little thing who is already pinching her bottom and belly and asking if she is fat!
I grew up with a mom who has always looked great, but also emphasized how important it is to look your best at all times. This also meant criticizing me and my sister for NOT having perfect figures and constantly trying to get us to buy clothing that “hides our imperfections”. All my life, I’ve been trying to “hide” my bottom and thighs. I still feel like my mom watches every bite I put in my mouth when we are at family dinners. I’m trying SO hard NOT to replicate this with my daughter and son. And yes, even my son, who is truly just skin and bones (he has my husband’s thin build) has made comments about being “fat” or looking fat! Ugh. It drives me crazy!!
I recently, due to health issues, lost quite a bit of weight and while I’m glad and feel much better, it bothers me just HOW much people comment on it. I understand that they are just trying to be kind and compliment me on it, but my kids have picked up on it so much that they make comments to me about my “fluffy tummy” and that I need to be more fit. I’m trying to be a good role model for my family by just being more “healthy” and not focus on weight, but it’s like everyone else is just focused on the weight, not health.
Jay- The Dude of the House says:
Looks like I’m the first guy to respond here, Mike, and I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m in a similar genetic boat and recently saw pictures of me where I looked to be in my 2nd tri-mester. My son is a super picky eater, which makes things extra challenging.
Great post on a rarely touched-upon subject.
Karen says:
It’s interesting because my brother was only saying the other day that he wonders if he eating issues, (he’s underweight and struggles to maintain frequent meals), stem from the constant comments he got as a child that Dad used to be skinny too and put on weight as he got older. In fact, it was something attributed to all men on Dad’s side and I remember my brother saying when he was about 4 that he wanted to grow up to have a big fat tummy like Dad. Absolutely this stuff sticks around to deal damage.