Heather has never been the kind of person I’d characterize as being afraid of new things, but when it comes to taking care of a baby boy she is definitely a little nervous. Heather understands little girls (having had two and been one herself), but little boys? Not so much. And, while she’d probably be too embarrassed to admit it, her biggest worry is having to deal with The Acrobat’s boy parts.

Yesterday Heather had a conversation with one of her friends who mentioned her toddler boy had an erection and couldn’t stop laughing and touching it.

Heather looked horrified as she told me this.

“Why would he keep laughing? Was he shocked? Afraid? Proud? What?”

“I have no idea,” I told her. “It’s been a long time since I was a little boy.”

(note: He was in awe.)

A few minutes later Heather started talking about changing a boy’s diaper.

“Basically, from what I hear, there’s no stopping him from peeing in our faces. Even if you know how to keep him from peeing in your face – which I do – you still get peed on.”

“How does that work exactly?”

“I  don’t know.  I guess baby boys take little ninja pees. Ugh. Changing a girls diaper is so much easier.”

“Yeah, right. Because cleaning number two out of crevices is sooooo much easier.”

“Point taken,” she said. Then, after a beat of thought: “It’ll be fine. I just won’t be as familiar with all that stuff down there as you.”

I didn’t say anything, but it’s not like I’m that familiar with all of Annie’s stuff down there. When Annie was potty training and having trouble angling her stream into the toilet, she looked up at me and said, “How do you make it go down?”

I stared at Annie a long beat, then:

“Heather!”

Our conversation of little boys wasn’t quite over.  During dinner Heather said,  “Can I ask you a few questions? As a man?”

I sat up straight. No one had ever asked for my expertise “as a man” before.

“Did you get a lot of erections for no reason as a little boy?”

“I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.”

(I remember getting them out of nowhere as a boy at a school and praying I wouldn’t be called to the blackboard.)

“Did you pee on the seat?”

“You mean when I remembered to put it back down?”

“Eww. Yes, I meant when you remembered to put it back down.”

“I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.”

Now that I think about it, I’m a guy myself and I’m a bit nervous about dealing with our little man. Boys can definitely try your patience. But I’ve got a feeling our boy is going to melt his mom’s heart the minute he’s born and I won’t hear anything about any of this stuff. That, or I’m going to be changing a LOT of diapers.

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