Relationships get complicated with kids. I don’t care how hunky dory things may be for a couple, once kids enter the picture nothing will be simple ever again. One of many reasons for this is the difficulty in trying to figure out who handles the child care once the partner working outside the home returns at the end of the day.
Sitcoms have taught me that back in the ’50s the man would return from work expecting a sparkling clean home, a delicious dinner on the table, and for his wife to make sure that his kids didn’t bother him while he tried to unwind after his long day at work. Life back then was totally one-sided and unfair for the stay-at-home parent. Thankfully this way of life has gone the way of “Leave It To Beaver.”
Equally unfair though is an attitude I have found on some blogs that contends that the stay-at-home parent should be “off the clock” the minute his or her partner returns home. These blogs argue it is the stay-at-home parent who needs to unwind after a long day with the kids, and the partner who got to spend his or her day around adults should suck it up and take care of the kids.
I have experienced both sides of this. I was a stay-at-home parent to Maddie when Heather worked for the Dodgers, and I have also worked in an office while Heather stayed home with both of the girls.
There have been times I couldn’t wait for Heather to get home so I could shower and get a minute to myself.
There have also been times when I was frustrated by being handed a crying baby the second I returned home.
Both are really hard.
Heather and I have, at different times, played both sides of the following (likely very familiar) argument:
“I’m too tired to feed her right now.”
“So am I.”
“But I had a long day at work.”
“I had a long day here with the baby!”
And on, and on, and on…
This is something Heather and I continue to struggle with. I’d love to hear how the rest of you make this work without one – or both of you – going crazy!
Cinthia says:
When my niece was a baby she dumped her off at my parents house and just sort of forgot about her for five years. My parents made it work by having me move in and help them and alternating between the three of us. Then again, my niece was at a baby pre-school daycare type place so all of us worked and no one “got stuck” with the baby all day. Sometimes she’d get sick and I’d bring her to work or my dad’s employee’s wife would watch her AND clean the house. Point is, compromise, sharing and rallying the troops (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.) whenever possible. Lean on other people, it makes life so much easier!
Now my husband and I live childless but with four cats. We try to work together or alternate, but when one of us gets sick or we’re overwhelmed, we find al alternate solution, like having laundry service (wash, dry, fold) instead of arguing about dirty clothes. Hang in there!
Jo says:
Yes, so agree. I think this is one of the hardest parts of being a parent. Often my husband doesn’t get home until after our daughter’s bedtime, so on weekends I definitely get lazy and give him the puppy eyes to get her things/go to the park/clean up after meals (I’m 31 weeks preggo now though, so I’m telling myself it’s kind of okay, but I know I still do it when not knocked up). We often get into the war story comparisons (ie: “She had diarrhea in the car and then the cat threw up on the sofa while I was carrying 7 bags of groceries in from the car all at ONCE!”… “I had to deal with 268 emails and then I got stuck on the subway for an hour and had to deal with a giant douchebag who…” etc etc) .
I guess having sympathy for each other and listening is key. If I really have had it at the end of the day, he will take over. If he’s had a terrible day, I’ll muster up the energy to take care of the other things. And once in a while we just do things for each other because it’s nice and we like to make each other happy, not expecting anything in return. That usually does the trick.
Mijke says:
I am a stay-at-home mum of three little kids (3 year old b/g twins and their 13 month old little brother). When the twins were babies, neither of us had a choice. When my husband came home from work, I’d pass one of the babies to him straight away. Here you go, take him/her, please! S/he’s YOURS, too. I’d of course still be juggling the other one while cooking dinner…
They were two months premature, so by the time they got home the both of us were equally capable of changing, bathing, comforting and bottle-feeding them. The hospital nurses taught us well. Over the first two months they were home we gradually switched from pumping and bottle feeding them to exclusively breastfeeding. Feeding them therefor became solely ‘my job’. Day and night. But everything else was shared from the moment he got home at night until it was time for him to leave again the next morning. No time to unwind. Tough luck. Suck it up, they’re twins!
This time around? Well. Let’s just say the little one is ‘my baby’. At 26 weeks in, I started having contractions and bleeding episodes. Had to start taking it very easy from then on, went into labour at 31 weeks (while already in the hospital, which fortunately meant they were just in time to stop it) and was put on bedrest the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy. He was born at 36 weeks and we both had to stay in the hospital for a week.
That basically meant that during those last 10 weeks of pregnancy (and the first month after his birth) the twins became ‘his job’. We had to use a lot of daycare and outside help from neighbors and family to cover his working hours, but the rest was all him. He took over getting them dressed and ready in the morning and the bedtime ritual changed from a co-parent-effort to ‘daddy-hour’. We both had a hard time with it, but again: we just didn’t have a choice.
The twins having gotten used to the new routine meant that from the minute little J was born, he was ‘mine’. In the almost 14 months of his life, I don’t think daddy’s changed his diaper more than 3 times. And I had to ASK for it at least two of those times…
Of course all the other things became mine again as soon as I was ABLE to do them (man, bedrest really fucks with your muscles).
What didn’t change though, was our twins’ bedtime ritual. That’s still a ‘daddy-thing’. They all love it, and while the twins are getting undressed and brushing their teeth and daddy is reading them stories, I get to have some precious one-on-one time with the little one.
Here’s our short job-description:
-Taking care of the kids: my thing.
-Putting food on the table (money-wise): his thing.
-Putting food on the table (as in: putting the FOOD on the TABLE): my thing.
-Twin bedtime ritual: all his.
-Little one: all mine.
-Weekends: joined effort. Much chaos. Loads of fun. But thank God for Mondays…
I know working long hours is hard sometimes. I know he’s tired at the end of the day. I know he needs to unwind when he gets home. But guess what? So do I. There’s days we both would love to switch ‘jobs’ for a while. But all things considered, we are both happy with what we do. With the choices we made. And most of all: we are happy that we HAD those choices. Period.
As for the ‘trying not to go crazy’ part? We lost that battle the minute we saw TWO heartbeats on the ultrasound… *grin*
PS: Potty training? apparently not a dad-thing… The minute one of them yells Poo! daddy suddenly takes an interest in the little one so mommy has her hands free for the smelly business… Now how did THAT happen?
Amy says:
I don’t really have any advice, except to note that this kind of shift-work gets easier as kids get older. My husband and I both work, partly from home and partly away and have challenging, engaged lives beyond our family life.
When our daughter was an infant we both struggled to find balance. We both did about 65% of the work (as you know, babies require at least 130% effort!) and probably both felt we were shouldering more of the load than the other.
Now she is heading toward her third birthday and is much more self-entertaining. She understands what it means when one of us says “Mommy/Daddy is working” and is pretty good about giving us a bit of a break from the constant burden of care.
Even if one of us has been away working, we have certain specialized tasks that one or the other does; e.g., making dinner, bathing her, settling her to sleep. Those tasks tend to equalize the workload, regardless who has been away or stuck at home.
And also: extended family and friends! If you know someone who can take your child for a few hours occasionally, bonus!
But mostly: it just gets easier as the child gets even a little bit older.
Nina says:
Different children at different stages make varying stresses on the parent/carer. I found looking after my son exceptionally stressful when he was a baby and my sanity hung on being able to hand him off to my husband for half an hour. At that time, he really did have the easier job. I would have happily marched off to work and seen it as relaxation because wow – a whole lunch hour and being able to have conversations with adults! No one enjoys being given a screaming baby but logistics dictate that either outside help is rallied (whether through babysitters or extended family) or someone has to suck it up.
I find looking after my daughter really easy and I don’t need my husband’s help when he comes home from work most of the time (unless she has been ill or teething or something, when 20 minutes of down time is awesome).
Depending on children’s bedtime and adult energy levels, what works for us now is a tag-team effort until 7:30pm. My husband comes home around 6 – he helps with childcare while i finish dinner (or vice versa), everybody eats at 7, baby gets her bottle of milk and is dispatched to get herself to sleep at 7:30, at 8pm elder child is bullied into pyjamas and bed for storytime. My husband does this while I tidy the kitchen or answer emails or unwind a bit and then by 8:30-9pm everyone is asleep and adult fun time begins. We go to bed at around 1am and get up between 7-8am. This works for us pretty well and no one feels stressed or tired.
Women in the 50s accomplished all of that by putting needs of housework before the needs and desires of children. Nowadays, we have become more child-centric to the detriment of housework. Sometimes there is a middle ground – my son will happily watch cartoons and my daughter will whinge a bit but amuse herself if left alone. Something has to give though. Either it is the intensity of childcare, or parental relaxation or parents trying to do everything on their own. Good luck, it’s a really tricky balance to achieve.
Karen says:
I see my cousins struggle with this on a daily basis and often get frustrated with my cousin, (the wife), for what seems to be her expectation that she becomes the third child when her husband gets home! (Not all the time, mind you, but there have been moments.)
I’m not sure I have advice because, to me, they just seem to muddle through. The house is in a constant state of disarray and meals for the adults can be a little slap-dash at times. The husband is responsible for bed time routines as its about the only time he sees his daughters during the week but he gets home too late to help with dinners and any showers. They do have it worked out so that they get one day out of the weekend as their “sleep-in” day where it’s the other person’s job to get up with the kids. I suppose the other thing they do is, until the kids are in bed and dinner has been eaten, neither of them really just calls it a night and sits down to unwind. If the wife is really exhausted and just cannot deal with more children, then the husband wrangles them whilst she does dinner and any other chores and vice versa. I guess the only mentality you can have is that NEITHER of your working days ends until Annie is in bed. You’ve both been working fulltime during the day and even though Heather might need a change in scenery since she’s been dealing with Annie all day, just make an agreement that if she’s not dealing with Annie, she’s doing something else that needs doing and neither of you ‘clock-off’ for your unwinding until the little munchkin is asleep. Seems the only fair way.
jessica says:
my husband and i work opposite shifts so we usually have equal time alone with the girls. However on weekends we take turns doing the things we don’t get to do during the week. he works second shift, so he’s not there for baths and bedtime routines. His turn is on the weekend. I work early so i don’t get to have breakfast and do the girls wake you up thing (usually they crawl in bed with you and do lots of cuddling before demanding food) so i get to enjoy that. we really do try to give each other at least an hour a week to do our own thing, because mommy and daddy do need a break as well!we truly do try to break responsibilities down the middle. maybe you all could have alternating “unwind” days. one parent does all the not fun things on monday, knowing tuesday is their break. of course this should take onto account any overtime worked, or projectile vomiting kids, cuz on those days, you need a break.
Jenn says:
This is a good question….
Well, when we were both working full time, I got home 2 hrs before he did, so I would play with the baby, start laundry and dinner. When he did get home, he couldn’t get to the kids fast enough but that being said. we would tag team to get dinner done, eat and then clean up together.
After dinner we each got about 1/2 hour to unwind ourselves and then again together we would tag team to get their bath times done, and while 1 of us got them dressed, the other got their “midnight” (7:00 p.m.) snack. Then while they ate, we all dit on the bed and when all of that was done, we would once again tag team….brush teeth, sing their special song, prayers, snuggle before we switch & tuck in the other kid! WHEW…until I wrote this all out, I didn’t realize how BUSY we really were!
Do take solace though my friend! LIFE DOES get better….the kids get much more independent so other than the annoying “But, I don’t want to go to bed now…I’m NOT TIIRED and Jimmy says he doesn’t have to go to bed until midnight and he is YOUNGER Than ME”!!!
Good luck Mike and Heather, like everything else routine and consistency is the key to success….well that and a little bit of Mama & Dada wine doesn’t hurt any…now does it???
Hope my life helps out with yours…
My Best,
Jenn
DefendUSA says:
In the beginning, *we* did everything as a team. When we only had one baby, we did everything as a team. And then, there were two and the job became different.
Just because one of you might have a hard day at work and your mental stresses may be different, do not discount the stay at home parent’s duties as more simple than yours. Unfortunately, someone will always be in the running for sucking it up when they are least able to, but there is no choice. It’s just what is done.
I think what you describe, Mike, is very natural and normal. What isn’t normal is the pissing matches that can ensue. I have been there done it and it’s not pleasant. As a stay at home mother, I was on call 24/7. Our kids all went to bed at 800pm. That was when I would wind down. He got home later, and I might even be asleep…but my job still wasn’t done. Sometimes he had the nerve to wake me up and ask me to rub him! (Not a good idea…)
I don’t know if I have a better solution than just rolling with it. There will be good days and bad days. The good news is that it does get easier and also more busy.
Don’t be afraid of having some boundaries. For example, when I was the sole parent with commuting Chicago Dad, during the week it was all me. On the weekends he came home, I did no driving anywhere, no cooking. He did. When either of us had a particularly difficult day, we called the other, to get the backup. Whether it was take-out, time out or not coming home right away…at least we knew to back off for a while. We each agreed that it was not ever fair for Dad to come home nasty and grumpy and take it out on me or the kids. Same token for me. If I had enough, I would SOS and leave the second he walked in.
One of you will always be on the suck it up side. Just don’t forget to say sorry when you are not so nice to each other because parenting is hard.
Sarah says:
You split it! I completely agree that both extreme scenarios you outlined are unfair. When one partner stays home with a small child and the other partner works at a job, both are “working.” So when the partner with the job outside the home arrives at home, you’re even- both have been working for however many hours- neither has any advantage over the other. So that means that one of them is going to have to keep working by taking care of the 26-pound whirlwind. The only fair way to resolve this is to split it by nights. One night you’re off and I “work” taking care of the child, the next night we reverse roles. It’s what my husband and I do and it works well for us.
Kelly says:
I totally agree with this. BOTH parents are working all day – whether you stay at home with children or go to an office. When the work day is done, then both parents should split responsibilities. It’s not fair to either person to “hand-off” the baby or the chores or whatever. You signed up for this (having kids) as a team, and you need to work it out as a team.
In our house, my husband and I both work outside of the home. When we get home, we each have different things that we typically take care of. He’s better at playing games and running around outside with the kids, and I do baths. We split the cooking and cleaning. It works for us!
Karen says:
When I was on mat leave, which is a year in Canada, I was very conscious of the fact that throughout each day, my husband and I were both working. We did our jobs and at the end of the day, we teamed up to share the load. If one of us had a difficult day, the other would step in and help more with out son. We were fortunate that there were no instances (that I recall) where we both had a rough day. In every way since our son’s birth we have worked as a team. There have been selfish moments on both sides and we have only one child that has been easy (up until a few months ago).
No doubt if we have another we’ll find the dynamic more challenging, even working as a team. But when a couple both recognize that both are working hard at their respective jobs, it’s easier to find the right balance and work together.
KellyT says:
I am a stay at home mom to four kids, so I totally get this issue! What my husband and I have done is from the time he gets home from work, to the time all the kids are in bed, we are both “on”. He typically does a majority of the hands on kid jobs since he hasn’t seen them all day, while I do “other” stuff like getting dinner cleaned up, getting lunches prepped for the next day, etc…
Nobody is “off” until the last kid is in bed and then we are both done for the day.
Babbalaou says:
I was home for a year and a half after having my second baby (the first one was 2). Once my husband got home from work and changed his clothes, he played with the boys while I made dinner. If he was late getting home, the boys played in the kitchen while I cooked. I would help with baths and then my husband would do the bedtime reading while I did the dishes and cleaned up. My husband read for an hour every night until the oldest one was in middle school and finally asked him to stop – which was a bit of a sad day for my husband, who had read through so many great books with them over the years. When my husband was out of town on business trips, they wouldn’t let me read from the current book since I didn’t get the voices right. I could read to them but only if I chose a different book. Now that I look back on it, the reality is that neither of us had any time “off” until the kids were in bed. I did chores while my husband did kid duty. Although the kid duty was mostly playing and the chores, done without a toddler wrapped around my ankle and without worrying about a crash and sobs coming from another room, was somewhat relaxing. By the way, we lived in a 3-story victorian rowhouse without any childgates. Just a portacrib in the dining room to plunk the baby in when the 2 year old had an emergency. Not very relaxing but good times still.
Ms. Moon says:
There’s an option to going crazy? Huh.
momof2 says:
It’s called not having kids!
Kim says:
This is something my husband and I have had to figure out again and again in our 8 1/2 years of parenting.
We have finally figured out what works for us (right now). If I have had a really bad day, I will call him and give him the head’s up, so he knows he is going to be ON as soon as he gets home. Otherwise, I will make dinner and he can play with the kids. He cleans up dinner and I get the kids ready for bed.
Neither of us really gets a break until all the children are in bed – that is what works for us so neither of us feel like we are bearing the brunt of the evening parenting duties.
All that said, if one of us needs to get out, has plans with friends, etc., the other one picks up the slack willingly. It’s a partnership – marriage and parenting – we need to treat it as such.
Christian D. says:
We are expecting our first child in the next few weeks and this is something that’s been on my mind. Especially since I’ll be the one working and my wife will be staying at home with our new boy. But like many have said already it’s a partnership (as is your marriage) and we’ll just have to make sure each of us is getting equal time (might not always work out that way, but we can hope right?)
Terri says:
We both work outside of the home but my husband works 4 days a week compared to my 5. We could argue about who does what more than who all week long so we just don’t. She falls asleep better for me, so I’m the go to bed person, (unless I’m sick of course). He’s the wear her out and play person (while I’m cooking, doing laundry etc) he’s also the dog caretaker (we have 2 fur kids also). Having set “jobs” works for us, so unless someone is sick we just stick to the same routine. However if either of us says “I really need some help here” that’s code for I’m done.. please come take over and we both do without questioning. But we don’t ask unless its REALLY needed.
Nellie says:
Definitely not easy. I work while my husband drops off and picks up our daughter from Daycare and works his own hours in between that time. He’ll have approx. 1 hour of time with her after Daycare and before I come home from work. He knows now that when I come home, to give me at least a 15 mins. to a half an hour to get myself settled before he races out the door and in to the garage for his “man’s cave” time. There are nights I come home and they are both attacking me with their words or acts of frustration and it doesn’t help me at all because it only makes me that much more stressed out and wanting to hide in the bathroom for the rest of the night. If you could give each other at least a half an hour before passing the duties over, I think you’ll be okay. I seem to manage better, not perfect but better, when I have at least 1/2 hour to myself before tackling being a mom and wife.
katie says:
You want to know the solution? Have more kids! then neither one of you gets a break, there’s always something/someone that needs attention! LOL! We have 4, and really enjoy bedtime some nights.
Elizabeth says:
This is a tough one….
Jen says:
I feel a bit like a crazy person for commenting here as I have no kids. But I have a lot of friends dealing with this same issue with their first child. One friend had a great tip for dealing with this:
When the working parent gets home, he/she should plan on spending a set amount of time (30 minutes) with the child. This gives the stay at home parent a much needed break to restore sanity and re-charge for dinner/bedtime activities. If both parents can prepare themselves mentally for this, it shouldn’t be a big deal.
I guess somewhat of the same thing happens with my lab puppy. If I get home and lay on the couch, I have a VERY hard time getting up to walk him later. If I push through and take him out as soon as I get home, it’s so much easier to relax later on.
Hope that helps!
LisaJ says:
We split things as fairly as possible, with both of us stepping in when needed. Neither of us is home full time.
Since I am still nursing S, I do the night time feedings, and no, we are still not completely sleeping through the night at 16 months old.
Michael makes up her food for the day. I (with her help, lol) choose her clothes for school, and usually I get her dressed while he makes sure everyone is up and out of the house on time.
In the evening, we take turns with her so that we can cook dinner. On weekends we are equal partners as much as possible. He does more diapers than I do; I nurse on demand at home.
Balance is a challenge. You guys are doing a great job with your little Spohr!
Rebecca says:
I try (sometimes fail) to ask myself if I am acting out of love and acting in a way that teaches my child how to love and is the way I’m acting making her/him feel loved?
Randi says:
Mike – I’m a work-at-home mom and have been for awhile. My husband works outside of the home. One thing we’ve done is to really make sure we each get our own time every day. When he comes home that’s his time to relax and chill out. Often he’ll look at stuff online or just sit with a cup of coffee. Later, after dinner, that’s my time – the time when I get to escape from everyone if I choose to. We’ve actually found that we tend only to take our time every few days – and then on weekends he sleeps in on saturday, I sleep in on sunday (and he’s been making me breakfast lately – score!) it works for us!
Penbleth says:
Mine are past this stage now but I remember it so well. If I dare suggest, be honest, be fair. Both jobs are draining and demanding, staying at home and going out and both have their plus points. Be fair with each other as to who is genuinely the most tired regardless of which of these jobs you do, and which has had a pretty good day and still hase energy left. You’re a team, a couple, not in competition. Yes, I know, sometimes it feels like it.
No one said it was easy. Keep going, you are both great parents.
Encore says:
Always a dicey situation…my wife stays at home and juggles a non-profit as well while I go to the office for 10+ hours/day. When I come home, I CHOOSE to immediately take our wonderful little girl (who is in her terrible 2’s, which are thankfully not that terrible…feverishly knocking on wood) and go off and play or do something away from Mama so she can relax or work or do whatever she wants. So far it has worked to both of our benefits as I get quality time with our daughter and she gets some decompression time.
AJ says:
I hear ya. My husband and I both work outside the home. He works ridiculous hours like 4am to 7:30pm yesterday and I work the 8-5 job. I spend 2 hours every morning getting them ready, and I take them to school and day care, and then I pick them up from school and day care, come home make dinner and start laundry. So I do expect him to do the lions share at bath time and bed time since I’m busy laying out their clothes the next day and making lunches, snacks, etc. But like you said, there are always arguments. It’s tough!
Jennifer says:
Wow. There just is no easy answer here. My first was easy going and not a problem, maybe because she was just one? When we had two under two, whole different problem. The tiny one was a screamer too, and she would just wear me out. I couldn’t have survived without my husband taking a shift-no one had “down time”, it was the toddler or the baby. However, now that they are 9 and almost 11, I’m finding things getting harder again. I feel like since I’m still at home I’m expected to do everything-cook, clean, buy groceries, run errands, drive kids to activities….and even without kids at home all day, I feel like I’m hardly ever getting a break. I guess it doesn’t get easier.
They key is definitely communication and understanding. Trying to decide who has the hardest job is a losing battle. It’s very interesting that both of you have been on both sides though, I’m sure that gives you each a greater appreciation.
Laurie SL says:
Both my husband and I are working right now, but I stayed at home with our daughter until she was 11 months old. I totally understand the point of view of the SAH parent wanting to “clock off” once the working parent comes home, but I knew that wasn’t fair. I continued to watch our daughter until my husband had relaxed a little (showered, gone to the gym, etc) and then he would help while I made dinner or relaxed. Now that we’re both working, I get off work early to pick up our daughter and I’m home with her for about 2 hours until my husband returns. I don’t automatically give her to him, but I let him take time to unwind. I do, however, encourage him to not be on his iphone so much when he’s around her and tell him that he should cherish the time he has with her at this age. This seemed to help change his perspective from “me time” to “family time”.
I have usually been the one to put our daughter to bed after we bathe her, which bothered me sometimes since we’re both working and both tired but yet I was the one putting her to bed everynight. We have started to share this “duty” since she was about 18 months old (she’s 26 months now), which makes me extremely happy since that is the first time I get to unwind all day. Hope that helps
mp says:
It’s never fair, as with everything in life.
Someone always ends up doing the pots and pans, and someone always has to take the child for another poop. And then when both of you work full-time, have a houseful of kids (it feels like that with two…), and you both come down with the flu, guess what?, you still have to make dinner!
I agree with most posters–it gets easier and easier as the kid gets older. Four seemed to be the magic age for both of our kids. They’re getting truly independent and yet are still sweet and cuddly. When teenagerhood arrives, you practically don’t need to do anything but keep your eyes and ears open. Sure there are challenges, but not the sheer physical labor it is when the kids are little. I’d never want to go back to the baby and toddler crazy days! If you’re thinking about a second, do it soon. When you have a huge age gap, like we do, you have to extend that period of sheer exhaustion…and bickering over whose turn it is to read fifteen bedtime stories!
Maile says:
My husband works out of the home and I stay home with our two girls(2.5 years and 15 months(Isabel is 1 day older than Annabel!)). I’m also 14 weeks pregnant. About 98% of the childcare is on me. He says I wanted to have kids and I get to stay home with them like I wanted so it’s my job… Most of the time I am fine with this. My girls are very good for me and they dont have too many toys for me to keep organized. But when I am throwing up in the sink while trying to get breakfast ready and my husband is in bed watching tv it kind of sucks. I know he works weird late hours and has a long commute to work, but it’s like I’m not allowed to be sick or have morning sickness. And even when he does change a diaper I still have to go and roll it up and put it in the bin… The only time my husband has done bathtime was when I was in the hospital for 5 days.
Allison says:
I know this is probably not going to be a popular answer with the SAHMs/SAHDs…but I think that the one who is home should have to do the lionshare — even after the “breadwinner” gets home from a long day at the office. That doesn’t mean you can get away with doing nothing at all but, that during the week it should be minimal. On weekends it should be 50/50.
Another answer would be a nanny share — one day a week where the mom can do her thing, run errands, get her nails done, etc…
Jellis in Cleveland says:
We both work outside of the home. So to get the kids ready and out of the house in the morning and then to return to schedules of dinner, baths and routine…plus you need to fit in stories and play time…it is hard.
We need to do what we have to do and then fit in other things like house work.
We have a chore list. We try and have all chores done during the weeks so the entire week is free for time with the kids and each other. We also take turns in each of the have to’s such as dinner and bathing children.
Things that help:
Crockpots or take out
Naps for you not the kids
Time together once the kids are in bed.
Wine
Ibuprofen
Sex
Momagain says:
It goes in cycles. We were overseas the first 2 years of our son’s life. The first year his dad was wonderful about taking over as soon as I he got home. At first, I’d feed myself, shower, pump and go to sleep. His dad would bathe him and put him to bed and then feed himself. When the baby woke, his dad would give him the late bottle and get both of them to bed. This let me get 4-6 hours of sleep and made all the difference in being able to function on my own the other 18 hours of the day. Since then, there have always been periods of the day or week that my husband takes charge. I’m still the primary care giver, but 3 mornings a week dad deals with parenting so I can go to the gym. We begin preschool in the fall and I may go back to work. I’m a chef, so my husband will probably pick up more of the parenting schedule as his own normal business hours will synch with school time better. Hes an academic, we’ve already discussed how he’ll flex his schedule to be involved in whatever sports our son sighns up for. Though as a European he is somewhat bemused/confused at the idea of organized sports teams for small children!
Glenda says:
With my first, a son, I was a stay at home mom up until he was 4. When hubby got home about 5ish he took a shower, ate dinner, unwind on the couch playing with my son. He did dishes and I gave my son his bath at night and we both tucked him in. When I had my second, a daughter (3 yrs apart) he came home and the kids wanted his attention. I cooked since I was home and he did dishes. We bathe both of the kids and tucked them in. It was more of a “team effort”.
When I went back to work, I got off work and picked up the kids, came home and started dinner. He played with the kids. He did dishes. If he got off before me, he cooked/ I did dishes. I put laundry to wash he always helped w/ the folding.
It was never his job / my job. We just did it. We worked well together and it definitely gets easier when the kids get older.
JenT says:
My husband and I both work so when we get home we’re both equally exhausted. We’ve found taking turns works really well – one of us will take the baby for a set period of time while the other takes a break, then we switch. Or if I’m going to cook dinner and do the dishes then he makes sure the baby doesn’t get underfoot. Lately he goes running every other day and will take the baby in the jogging stroller – so I have almost an hour to get dinner made and do whatever else I can squeeze in while they’re gone. It’s great. The other thing we’ve instituted is taking “shifts” at night. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this earlier. Unfortunately our baby doesn’t always sleep all night, so if the baby wakes up during the first half of the night, I get up, if the baby wakes up after then my husband gets up – some nights the baby wakes up only on one of our shifts, but it seems to balance out during the week. We both do a lot for each other and for the baby and take care of chores around the house – and work outside the home, so we really keep that in mind, that the baby isn’t just mine or his – if one of us wants to go out for an evening with friends, we do that, or if he has a project to work on around the house that’s going to take a few nights after work to finish, we do that – it all balances out.
Laura says:
I work at home 3 days a week. Our daughter goes to my parents’ house once a week because my dad is retired, and my husband’s schedule is flexible enough to allow him to work from home once a week to watch her.
It’s tough sometimes. I’m always very busy at work, and while I try to cram everything in during naptime, it’s not always possible. I think the biggest thing is communication. If I’ve had a tough day and my husband walks through the door, he already knows my mood, because I’ll have given him a loving heads-up. (Something to the tune of, “Horrible day/fussy child/will need a break after you’re home and settled, love you” works.)
Sometimes he’ll launch through the door, put the dog on her leash and our daughter in her stroller, and will take everyone outside for 30 minutes while I clean or finish up work. Other times, he’s had a rough day and needs to relax, but he’ll tell me, “Just give me 30 minutes to change and chill and then I’ll take her.”
Also, we switch off who does what. For instance: one person gives our daughter her bath after dinner, while the other person walks our dog. Then we both read a story with her before bed and brush her teeth, but the person who did not give her her bath will do the crib routine (she likes one of us to draw on her Magna-Doodle and read a few more books after she’s in her crib). This way she gets quality time with both of us, and we’re together reading a story. But one person is giving her a bath while the other cooks our dinner or cleans or decompresses from the day, and vice versa when the other parent does the nighttime routine.
On days when I’m in my office and come home, sometime the last thing I want to do is walk the dog or take over the parenting for a bit. But I do it, because my husband does it for me.
I think one of the biggest things is to keep in mind what your spouse’s day has been like, know that times have changed and things aren’t always going to be perfect, but that at the end of the day, when everyone is home and your child(ren) is laughing or being silly, even if you’ve had a horrible day work-wise, it’s over, and you’re together as a family.
I have tough days at home working with my daughter around, my husband has tough days at work, but it all balances out in the end.
Nicole says:
We have three girls – 5, 3, and 1. I stay at home and my husband works 7am – 4pm. I recognize that his job isn’t a walk in the park, but right now we definitely agree that I have it a lot harder. When my husband arrives home, he takes over with the kids while I cook supper. It’s not a full break, but it definitely feels like it when there’s no one trying to climb up my legs! Then we eat, and he usually gives the baths while I clean up the kitchen. Then we watch a show as a family and tag-team bed.
It works well for us. Things get done, and he’d rather be with the kids than cooking/cleaning (which I don’t mind doing). On weekends he does take on more of the child care burden, but I’m also working on a book that’s going to be out in June, so I need all the child-free time I can get
Shauna says:
Great post! I will admit to having backed off a friendship (though not completely) because my friend has outright stated that “being a SAHM is the hardest job ever and nothing anyone says can convince her otherwise.” I get that it’s hard, but she makes it difficult for me to complain about my life (as a WOHM) because I get ‘time away.’ We talk about other things, but I just stay away from the ‘mommy wars.’ UGH.
Both my husband and I work full-time out of the home. We are both often tired – too tired. But what I find is that even if I’m feeling too tired, if he’s more impatient with the kids, I find it in myself (don’t ask how; I really don’t know) to suck it up and take the kids. Because he does the same. I think just knowing that the other person ‘has your back’ without having to ask is what works for us.
I admit, though, that it might not be so easy for others. My husband and I just know each other so well (too well, sometimes) that our friends laugh and say we have ‘jedi mind trick’ when one person just picks up on something the other needs without saying anything. Apparently, it’s ‘freaky’ that we do that.
There are no easy answers, but I like hearing how it works for others because I like to think I’m always open to new ways of doing things.
Thanks, Mike!
leslie says:
sorry, didn’t read all the comments above, so it might been said before:
we struggle with the same thing! but, most times, we stick to our schedule {we have two kids, one in kindergarten, one at home, the hubs is working as a part-time teacher, the wife is a student/little job on the side at the university}! we talked about how busy we are on which days and the parent who’s less busy is on “night duty”; when we get home we get 1/2 hour “me” time, before taking care for the kids/household. we have a strict schedule when it comes to housework {otherwise, we would be divorced, that’s for sure} and on the weekends both the parents get one nap each…
we learned that we function well when we talk, talk, talk! and let the kids do some of the chores as well:)
the biggest tip: value the work of the other one, make a schedule, laugh often:)
Gretchen says:
We have 8 kids, ranging in age from 13 years to 8 months. I SAH. We’ve been married for 14.5 years.
My husband and I still have My Life is Harder Than Yours contests, mostly when we are sick, stressed, have planned poorly, or are indulging a lazy streak that catches up to us. The office politics at his workplace are brutal. And me? I’m just mostly busy mothering 8 people with wildly different needs. Martyr!
I’ve been known to hand a baby to my husband when he walks through the door. He’s been known to collapse on the couch just when I need him the most, making it clear the day was too rough to help with long-division homework.
We are still figuring it all out. At least we have sort of developed a sense of humor when things get really crazy. 4 post-strawberry binge diapers are worse than “Jim” at work. But not 3.
Michelle says:
We have also struggled with this. Both my husband and I work outside the home, but as a nurse, I work rotating shifts. And I work 12hr shifts. So the days I work he drops the kids(almost 6, 3yrs, and 8months) off at daycare and picks them up, feeds supper, and gets them ready for bed. I get home in time to put them to bed and feed the baby.
But this is only 5 days per 2 week pay period. The rest of the days I am home with the kids all day. And while I definitely understand his need to unwind at the end of his day, I don’t understand the complaints on the days I work. He will say I have it “easier” because he is home to help me for supper and he has it “harder” on the weekends I work because he has them all day with no help. But that is one weekend every 3 weeks! I will “have them” sometimes for a week straight by myself, so I hate it when he complains.
We don’t have a lot of arguments about it though. Bedtime is a joint effort, and surprisingly enough whoever needs a break from the kids more tends to make dinner as their “break”. I just don’t like the idea by default it’s all the woman’s job, unless she asks for help. No one should have to ask, we are in this together.
EE says:
My husband was a stay at home dad for awhile, and now we work opposite shifts to avoid the expense of daycare. It’s hard. We only have a full day off together if we take a day off. We don’t have a great support system (his family lives in town but they are unpredictable).
My mom stayed at home with 3 kids until my youngest sibling was 8. They also had a great support system of other families. Looking back on it, they really had it figured out. They had us all 2 1/2 years apart. We each started half-day, all week preschool at 2 years old. I’m sure this helped keep my mom sane – she didn’t have all 3 of us home except for an hour or so after the oldest got home from gradeschool. My dad always started work early, so he was always home by 5:30. When we were little, he would play with us while my mom made dinner (dad did dishes). My dad always gave us baths and read us bedtime stories (mom’s alone time). My mom came by to tuck us in after.
Both of my parents always had their own weekly activities – my dad had year-round soccer and my mom had jazzercise. My dad went on a week-long manly hiking trip in the summer without us, and my mom visited her family alone also.
I hear that anticipation of a vacation makes it more enjoyable. So my advice would be to split up the day to day stuff so you know when your “break” is. I’ve always been fond of my husband saying he would get up with the baby on Saturday morning and let me sleep in.
Katie says:
The question presumes a stay-at-home parent, which is no longer the norm for most families. We both work, we are both tired at the end of the day, and we both have to share the family-related work in the evenings. We have 2 kids. We alternate putting each child to bed and–about 94 percent of the time–one or both of us falls asleep while putting a child to bed. We wake up an hour or so later ready to get on with the evening, a little confused, but very glad DVRs exist. Nurse Jackie is on during evening nap time!!!
Heidi says:
Mike,
My husband (also a Mike) and I just had an argument, and then fortunately a discussion, about this very topic. We both work outside the home, but I work less than he does, and I also work nights (as a nurse), so often when he gets home, I’ve been asleep all day because I worked the night before. So it can be tough, because often times, he just worked all day, but even though I slept all day I’m still exhausted and also trying to gear up for another night of work. He also sometimes falls into that 50’s mind-set of wanting some complete “alone time”, and in our small house that’s just not a reality. So, we argued, we yelled, and then we talked and agreed that there is no easy solution, that we need to be open and honest with each other about our needs, and also, in the immortal words of Bill & Ted, that we just need to be excellent to each other, and remember that we’re partners and not adversaries. We also agreed to try to not engage in the “who has it worse” olympics because hey, we’re both tired, we’re both trying our best, and this baby (same age as Annie, to the day) can be exhausting!
Anyway, I guess over here we just take it day by day and work hard to try to be kind to each other and take turns. We talked about trying to develop some kind of system, but the day-to-day can be so variable (with whether or not I have to work that night, what time he got home, etc.), that right now we just kind of have to wing it.
Love to you and your family,
Heidi
Lesley Pacheco says:
Negotiated shift work. My husband and I would divide the night into hours. One would have the early shift and one would have the late shift and we would split who had “night duty”. Whoever had night duty usually had the early shift so they could get to bed early in case they needed to get up during the night. Worked for us and that way we both could look forward and were assured some down time.
Veronika says:
Yes, the temptation to hand over the kids and call it a day when dad walks in the door is HUGE around this house, but I remind myself that my dh has been working too. We have 4 children though, so nobody really gets down time. The compromise we’ve reached is to co-parent until the kids are in bed and then flop down on the couch together. When dad comes home, we’ll sit down for dinner and if there’s time after dinner, we’ll head out to the park so the kids can run off their energy. We split night time kid duties. He’ll shower them and I’ll get them dressed or I’ll do the showering while he does the dressing. He brushes two sets of teeth and I’ll brush the other two. We hug and kiss and put to bed together. Bottom line, the kids belong to both parents and both parents feel exhausted and entitled to some down time at the end of the day. Some days he’ll do more so I can relax a bit, other days I’ll do more if he needs to relax. The days of uninvolved dad sitting in front of the TV, never having changed a soiled diaper or bathed a squirmy little body is officially over. Hurray! I personally would not be able to be married to someone who was not my equal partner in raising OUR children. I think you and Heather have done a great job in being two equally involved parents. The kinks will work out in time.
Meg says:
No one is right. Both roles are difficult. I have also played both and seen both sides. I tend to think the person working has it a bit easier. They should take over for the person who is watching the child all day for at least an hour or so after they get home and then the responsibilities should be shared for the rest of the night.
I am a single mom with a 3 year old and a 4 month old, I work full time, and have no one to pass the kids off to when I get home…… So I guess you should both also be thankful to just have each other
Good luck! This is definitely a source of contention for all couples!
amy says:
Hubby works shift work and has since before the kids were born. Was easy when we only had the one and I stayed home (although I seem to remember a picture taken of son in his baby seat with a note on him saying “TAKE CARE OF ME, Mommy is tired! I hid.) Not ‘easy’ but rather there were no norms as it was always different.
When we moved out of city and hubby was required to be away 4 out of every 8 days hells yeah he got to deal with the three of them when he got home! And lots!
Difficult one but am sure you two will figure something out
Expat Mom says:
Our situation is a bit different in that I work at home and my husband doesn’t work. In general, he is responsible for watching the boys, but since I’m right in the next room, that doesn’t always work so well. Sometimes he’s fed up with dealing with them and I’m freaking out about deadlines and then we get grumpy because both of us need a break. Truthfully, we haven’t found a solution other than putting the boys to bed a tad early and relaxing together to watch a movie.
Steph says:
I love your post! Everyone just needs to remember that as rewarding and wonderful as parenting can be it is equally difficult no matter what kind of parent you are. It takes all kinds, and all kinds are right. As long as both parents are doing their best and remember their partner is too even if it looks different, things should be good. It comes down to respect and a good sense of humor. My husband and I have a laugh at the scene in Mary Poppins when the dad comes home and sings his song about patting the kids on the head and sending them to bed at 6:15. I guess that is another way to cope too.
CC in VA says:
Wish I had some words of wisdom for y’all but it’s been just me and my daughter since I was 3 months pregnant….she’ll be 9 in June. You just have to deal with the situation at hand and go with the flow I guess. Use your support system, I am so thankful for mine, but that’s usually just a weekend night out for a break. Best of luck! Annie’s such a ham!! And Maddie’s in my heart daily! As are you and Heather.
Leigh Elliott says:
Very well said, Mike. It’s so true, all of it. I am a SAHM and when my husband gets home I do, many times want him to take the reigns. The hardest part seems to be that transitional time, when he gets home, we’re both wiped out, and our daughter is bouncing off the walls. We all collide during that hour and try get on the same level. There is some yelling, and some laughing and playing. We all have the stress and excitement of the day to share. And we all seem to want to share it at the exact same time.
I get a pang of jealousy seeing my husbands car drive off each morning as I settle into another day home with our daughter, jealous of the fact that he has an hour each way in the car to himself. And that he can eat his lunch in peace. And that if he wants to have an entire clear thought process, he is able to do it. But then he gets home and tells me about how stressful his day was, or how he was in boring meetings all day, and I am grateful that I got to play at the park or have lunch with a small comedienne, or decide to get an ice cream cone on a whim.
We definitely both have jobs and they’re clearly both difficult on obviously different levels. We do both sympathize with each other as to how hard our days can be but it is very easy to have a knee-jerk reaction when we are tired and stressed, and say to the other, “*I* am the one that needs the break here!”
When my husband gets home I am usually trying to get some dinner together and our daughter will run a few laps around the house to let off some of her excitement about her father’s return. Then we will all have some kind of a snack while we are waiting for dinner to be ready. I find that if we all have a little bit of food in us we can all be a little more balanced and less irritable. Usually all our daughter demands of us right now at that time of night is just our complete and total attention, so if my husband can lay on the floor with her and play a game or build a fort, or something like that, it gives us enough time to decompress a bit and me to finish making dinner.
Then once we all sit down we’ve had a little time to converge and settle into all being together again. It’s not always like this, but it’s a fairly typical play of our nights during the week.
It’s not that you don’t want to help Heather – of course you do, and it’s not that Heather doesn’t understand going to a job outside of the home is also stressful and hard. I think you will both find that as Annie gets older this time of the day will get a lot easier. And harder in some other ways, like, she will be talking back to you like a 14 year old teenager while in a 3 year old body. And that is just crazy stuff.
Hang in there!
Neeroc says:
I stayed home with V for the first year, and hubby stayed home the next 9 months. Communicating throughout the day really helped us. And it was the good and the bad. So, she was doing something cute? I got a call, or when I was at home, sent him a video.
On my last nerve? Called him at the office. Not a screaming looney-tick (because I could have been) but just a ‘hey hon, I hope your day was okay because I’m going to need you to take her for 20min when you get home’ And bad day at work meant we could figure out the down time and set expectations.
Helped tonnes not to have a surprise when you walked through the door.
Sara says:
I work a full-time job during regular 9-5 business hours, but I work from home so that 3 days a week, our daughter can stay with me. (She’s with her grandmother on the other 2 days so I can take meetings without worrying about her screaming in the background.) I personally think this is a strenuous task some days, but often have to remind myself that while my husband doesn’t stay home with us, he is running his own company that is significantly understaffed for the amount of work they have piled up. He’s constantly pulling 60+ hour work weeks just to stay on top of things. So he’s got his own stresses everyday without dealing with a toddler.
That said, in order to avoid the arguments, I try to prepare my husband. We usually talk on the phone at some point late in the day before he comes home (usually so I know if I should hold up dinner for a while, or if I can start cooking). And if I’ve had a particularly stressful day with our daughter, I will flat out ask that he take on parenting duties so I can feel like a human being for five seconds. As long as I don’t make that request every day of the week, it works out great.
Oh yeah, and once a week we have dinner at my parents’ house. That helps because the two tired parents pawn the sweet baby onto her doting grandparents after a hard day of work. Works like a charm!
Lawrence@CreditDonkey says:
I do believe that we really need to talk it over with our partner so we can have the best of interest coming with us and avoid conflicts. You shared a great article here, and this really happens with every couple entering parenthood. Thank you so much for sharing!
Val says:
We have a lot of kids, and over the years have often fought this battle: We get at each other over use of time issues, dumbness.
We were both working hard and both needed care at the same time the other was least able to give it.
If it helps to know this or not? Now that our youngest is six, this is no longer an issue. We’re a good team. We don’t get so exhausted–even with teenagers in the mix.
It’s temporary, it’s temporary. That used to be my mantra, both for enduring the moment, and also to be not wishing it away.
Life gets easier. I swear it does. Parents of teenagers who say, “Oh you have no idea how hard teenagers are…”
They should be kicked sharply in the ass.
I’ve had both at the same time. Teenagers flippin’ SLEEP. They’re funny, and can be helpful.
Babies and toddlers are gorgeous and demanding and are way more work in the moment. Be nice to each other and know time is on your side. I wish someone could have told ME this. love, Val
Kellee says:
First of all, let me remind you that I have NO children, so this is not coming from a place of personal experience. I DO, however, have an opinion on the matter – OF COURSE! As someone who grew up having a parent at home most of my life, I think that is a wonderful gift to be able to give to your children. My mother stayed at home and worked (works) harder than anybody I’ve ever known, working at home or out in the “real world”. The first thing I think is important is that both people recognize that they both have jobs. (This applies to both stay at home parents as well as stay at home spouses without children.) I have seen many situations where the stay at home person does not treat their situation as a job, and does not hold up their end of the responsibilities – I’ve also seen where the “working” partner does not take their partner’s contributions seriously. So I think the first main point is that you both respect the other’s contribution. The second is that there really is no fair division in the evenings. If you’re both doing your jobs then you’ve BOTH had a long day, so the only way to conquer the evening is for you both to team up to make sure you can both rest. At night, it doesn’t all fall on the woman (or stay at home parent) to cook dinner and do the dishes and straighten up and get the kids ready for bed while the man swishes his scotch in his glass, smokes his cigar, and watches the news. You feed the baby, I’ll do the dishes, and then hopefully we can both collapse on the couch and relax for a little while. I’m really not sure how MY mother managed to do it, she had two kids, is borderline OCD so her standards are nearly impossible, and she took care of everyone and everything and ALWAYS had an immaculate and beautiful home with no help from my dad (who is the least tidy man on the planet). She managed to do it all on her own, and I’m not sure how. Either way, though, it wasn’t quite equitable.