Yesterday was a good day not only because it was Heather’s and my anniversary, but also because it meant the month of December was now officially more than half finished. Normally I am a big fan of December. After all, in just thirty-one days I get to celebrate my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. This year, however, I just don’t have it in me, and have tried to pretend like the Holidays aren’t happening.
This proved impossible last night as Heather and I went out to dinner to recognize our anniversary. The holidays were everywhere. Christmas tree lots, for example, had seemed to sprout up overnight on every corner. Upon stopping at a red light I peered into a lot and saw a father picking out a tree with his daughter. For a second I imagined it was me and Maddie, and I could see the two-year-old Maddie shuffling around the tree, pointing and laughing. I could see Heather taking photos as I tried to tie the thing atop our car. I could see a great family memory in the making, but then the light changed and I was brought back to reality.
Last year I was very excited to buy Maddie a Christmas present and spent hours in the mall trying to find the right one. I finally came across a tiny electric keyboard that had tons of different sounds and rhythms for her to play with. It was perfect for my little budding musician. I took the keyboard across the mall to the gift wrapping station and waited in line for them to make it pretty. I was so happy to give it to Maddie on Christmas day. It was one of the best moments of my life.
The world doesn’t stop just because ours did, I understand that. I get that people are excited and happy to be celebrating the holidays with their families, as they should be. That’s what the holidays are for. But for Heather and me, the holidays are just a sad reminder of what has happened to our family.
There’s no getting around my being a Scrooge this year, but next year I will focus on enjoying things a bit more with Binky. For now though, I will focus on memories of last Christmas with my sweet Madeline.
Anne Y says:
I will be thinking of you and Heather during this Holiday season.
Much love to both of you and to Little Miss Binky too.
**Maddie you are forever in our hearts**
.-= Anne Y´s last blog ..I’m Gonna Get You =-.
Linda says:
Your Maddie is being remembered in Brisbane, Australia – and prayers are being said for her mother, father and little sister. May Peace be with you.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
I don’t think you’re a Scrooge, Mike. Of course you are grieving, the firsts will be hard (and so, truthfully, will the seconds, and the thirds, and so on). Enjoy the memories, they are treasures. And savour the anticipation of happy times ahead. Hugs!
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Don’t trip over it… =-.
Katrina says:
That’s such a great photo of the two of you with the Christmas tree in the background.
You do whatever you need to do to get through this very tough month. This Christmas sucks, and there’s no getting around that. It just sucks without your Maddie. This will no doubt be your hardest Christmas to endure. Next year’s will have joy with Binky. But his year? Bah humbug.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Family Christmas Photo — 2009 =-.
Katrina says:
ooops…I meant “but THIS year?”
sorry– typo.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Family Christmas Photo — 2009 =-.
catherine lucas says:
As I said earlier this week Mike: Christmas is a day for happy people. If you are unhappy, it only accentuates the feelings of unhappiness… I so hope that next year will brighten up for the three of you… With Madeline looking on from heaven…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Looking for shelter: the sequel =-.
Krissa says:
(((Hugs))) and love to you guys.
Amanda M. says:
You saying that it seems like tree lots sprung up overnight is a testament to how well you’ve done at hiding from the holidays–they’ve been there for at least a month! I don’t blame you at all. My family had a quite a few similar Christmases after my aunt lost her battle with cervical cancer on Christmas morning.
In spite of my family’s tragedy and yours, I feel hopeful. Whenever you or Heather mention how miserable this month has been, I immediately think of next year, when Binky will be there with you, and you can spend just as much time searching for the perfect gift for Maddie’s adorable little sister. And I think of the future when I do the same with my children. And I feel okay.
Also, that picture of you and Maddie is AMAZING. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a photogenic baby!
ClassyFabSarah says:
Christmas is so hard without the one you love there to make it special and magical. Sending lots of love your way…
.-= ClassyFabSarah´s last blog ..And So On and So Forth… =-.
Christine says:
Sending lots of love for you, Heather, Binky and Rigby from Philadelphia.
Be well.
cj says:
sending much love to the Spohr’s….hoping for a much less “blue” Christmas next year with your beautiful new Binky here to celebrate and the amazing Maddie watching from heaven.
Elizabeth says:
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard the holidays are for you and Heather. Thinking and praying for you both in KY.
Erica says:
Dear Mike,
This Christmas is going to be such a difficult one for you, Heather and your families, please remember that so many people all over the world will be thinking of you all and holding you all close in our hearts, if only there was more we could do for you. Your moving words brought tears to my eyes, then I came to the gorgeous photo of you with your precious girl in her Christmas dress and I couldn’t help but smile. Your precious Madeline will always be remembered by this stranger friend in Luxembourg.
With love
Erica
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
I can’t imagine…
Hugs to you both.
Barbi from PA says:
Many prayers for you, Heather, and Binky.
Anna Marie says:
Christmas is a timebomb for so many people – and I know you guys are doing your best to keep your heads down and make it through.
Sending good thoughts and hugs to both of you.
Jamie says:
There is no right or wrong for how you deal with this. You do whatever you need to do to get through this difficult time. I hope it brings you some peace knowing so so many people care about you and your family. Sending love and wishes of peace to The Spohr’s.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..Some new ink =-.
Deborah says:
Be as much of a Scrooge as you like. I will be remembering Maddie and your family this holiday season, as well as every other day in the year.
(((hugs)))
Nikki says:
I’m so sorry this is such a sucky holiday season. Wishing for a fast-forward to Miss Binky’s birth so that holidays have a bit of silver lining to them. Just know that Madeline is missed all over the worlds and is our hearts, too.
Wishing for peace of heart and mind during the next few days/weeks. XOXO.
Manda says:
Merry Christmas Sweet Madeline
Karen Chatters says:
The holiday’s can be such a wondrous, happy and joyful time. Or they can really suck the life out of you and make you want to sleep for a month or so. It’s only natural for you want to want this time of year to blow by.
Hang in there, it’s almost over. ((Hugs))
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
TracyKM says:
I wish the idea of Christmas would happen more throughout the year. Because it’s so compacted into one day, it becomes something more than it should be. And for those people not able to feel happiness on that one particular day, why shouldn’t they be able to celebrate at some other time?
I do have to mention though…that toy doesn’t look like a keyboard, it looks like the LeapFrog Learning Drum my kids have. They love it too!
Rebecca says:
Such a beautiful photo of you and Madeline. No one would fault you one bit for being a scrooge this Christmas. You do what you’ve gotta do. I hope that Maddie finds you in your dreams this holiday season and can bring you some peace. xoxo.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..We’ve come a long way =-.
Caroline says:
Maddie is absolutely remembered this Christmas, by so so many of us. I never understood how losing someone can make Christmas so difficult. But now I get it. Christmas is the ultimate family holiday and when one of those family members is gone, Christmas feels gone and every song a blues song and every light shining on the fact that they are gone. Anyway, I digress. But for what it is worth, Maddie is in so many people’s hearts this Christmas. Peace and love to you both in 2010.
.-= Caroline´s last blog ..Peace Out 2009 =-.
Kristin says:
Thinking of you all and wishing you a little peace.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..No, I haven’t gotten into the eggnog =-.
Kristie says:
Thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine going through what you and Heather have endured. Christmas is somewhat sad for me. I am coming to realize that my husband and I will never have children. We have a Christmas tree that we bought and put up but it will not have presents under it for a child…. ever. No presents at all. We are going on a vacation to the Grand Canyon for Christmas. Looking forward to that, but Christmas still stings because there will always be something missing from our home…. A Child. We got pregnant once but it ended in a tubal pregnancy. I try to focus on the good things we have in life but it’s difficult to not see what is missing. It will never even compare to your pain but it is a difficult time for me.
YOu and Heather are in my thoughts every morning. I am looking forward to seeing you all welcome Binky in to the world.
And I love reading about Maddie. She’s such an amazing child.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for letting me share, too.
BMom says:
I’m a reader who lives in Iowa, and I post pretty rarely, but read every day. I want you two to know how much I’m thinking of you, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please know how much your sweet Madeline is thought of right now, and all year long too. Peace to the two of you.
ruth says:
I love you guys.
jen says:
I think anyone who has experienced what the two of you have has every right to feel ‘bah humbug’. That’s okay.
Hang on to the joy that Maddie brought to you and to the joy Binky will bring in the new year.
Thinking of you both…..
.-= jen´s last blog ..christmas is all in the heart =-.
Lisa says:
It is perfectly acceptable for you guys to be Scrooges this year. What you guys have been through this year just takes all the meaning out of the season, all the joy. I do hope you are able to find a little joy as you remember Christmases past.
Love and hugs. You both are always in my heart and in my thoughts.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Christmas Travels =-.
Jane says:
I lost my dad Thanksgiving day and this whole season feels like a slap in the face. Can’t even contemplate what normal means anymore. I can’t imagine losing someone like Maddie, and hope I never have to. I wish there was a way to clean out my head and stop feeling this way. I miss my dad. I miss Maddie and her big blue eyes. My prayers are with you.
Sue says:
Precious, precious, beautiful Maddie,,,,,,,
My thoughts are with you & Heather, Mike, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine the hurt in your hearts. It’s nice to know, tho, that with each passing day; it brings you closer to holding beautiful little Binky in your arms.
My best to you both. You are truly wonderful parents.
Allison says:
I read the poem below on Dax Locke’s Caringbridge site and immediately thought of you guys. I’ve had way too many friends have the need to have a Caringbridge site in the last few years but this poem really touched my heart.
************************
If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.
If God had told me, “this soul will one day need extra care and needs”, I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “that one day this soul may make my heart bleed”, I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “this soul would make me question the depth of my faith”, I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river”, I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “our time spent together here on earth could be short”, I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering”, I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “all that you know to be normal would drastically change”, I still would have chosen you…
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you…
Thank you God for letting me be his Mummy…
Author Unknown
Mary says:
I totally get that. I did it last year. You do whatever you need to do to get through. If that means skipping everything, then those who care about you will understand and will wait for you to come back. My thoughts are with you guys as you head toward Binky’s arrival by way of the holidays. We’re all here to lean on, for whatever that’s worth.
Rashmi says:
This brought tears to my eyes….you are not a Scrooge…just do what you can to make through this season. Remember, this winter is making way for your spring.
Keeping all of you in thoughts.
Camie says:
I love seeing pictures of you and Heather with Maddie. The love between all of you is so palpable. I hope this holiday season slips by quietly for you. I will be thinking of your family and hoping for you. . .
.-= Camie´s last blog ..An Open Letter to Anthropologie =-.
dawn says:
Y’know – I think there are a lot of us who feel more melancholy than joyful. I miss Christmas with my grandparents, with my dad. Houses full of family and food. The Christmas I can create for my own little family pales in comparison.
AmazingGreis says:
You are no Scrooge, Mike. I think Christmas this year, in general, is down. Maybe I’m just so busy, or it just snuck up on me, but I’m totally not feeling Christmas this year AT ALL.
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Blogger Football League – Week 14 =-.
michelle says:
Mike and Heather –
First, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY…..I’m sure it’s hard to hear that because of the huge hole in your heart but it comes to you with the most sincere greeting!
Second, I cannot imagine your grief and how you cope. I would imagine “picturing” memories of what should have been is so tough but I’m sure I would do it all the time.
I know you know the impact your beautiful sweet Madeline has had on the world….but I truly wish the opportunity never would have been there. I wish we could have just gotten to know and love her like we do through your day to day “shenanigans” with your beautiful girl.
I honestly have thought of you and your family every day since April7 and I firmly know you will forever be in my heart and my prayers. I am so looking forward to getting to know Binky as well and can’t wait for her arrival!
Love to you.
Michelle, Herculaneum, MO
Hockeymandad says:
Love, hugs and best wishes from my family to yours this Christmas.
.-= Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Giveaway Time!!! =-.
Mary says:
Maddie is as loved as a child can possibly be loved. My heart aches for what you must be feeling during what for so many people is a season of celebration. May you and Heather find some peace this Christmas as you miss your beautiful Madeline. Your family is in my prayers.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Orphan =-.
JennK says:
The first is hard for sure. After my Will died, we hardly did Christmas at all. We put up a tree at the last minute but that’s about it.
Suprisingly, the second was even harder. We had a new baby (my girl is now 5 years old) and the world just expected that everything was all better. And it never will be whole.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..On being a hermit. =-.
Veronica says:
Don’t apologize! You have every right to be, as you call it Scrooge this year. I hope, though, that you and Heather can find a quiet part of the holidays to enjoy together. Let all of last year’s Christmas memories relive themselves! Look forward to next year. I wish you all the best. So many many hugs to all of you right now, and every day!
Anne DiNapoli says:
Maddie is blessed to have wonderful parents, as you are to have her as your daughter. I bet she loved that keyboard. Thanks for sharing the beautiful pics….those Christmas pjs are adorable! Peace and joy to you and Heather from Atlanta.
.-= Anne DiNapoli´s last blog ..Anne’s Favorite Things #6 =-.
Ms. Moon says:
I think people come here to share your sorrow as well as to share the light that Madeline still casts upon us. I know I do. Thank-you for that bit of light. She is so much still with us, that girl of yours.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog .. =-.
Danielle says:
I will be thinking about you family too. You are in my heart and mind.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..I refuse to be a New Years Resolution’rs =-.
Amanda says:
As always Mike, you do an amazing job keeping Maddie alive. My heart continues to ache for you and your family, especially during this time of year.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..My marriage is on the rocks and it’s all my daughters fault! =-.
Tina says:
Remembering you this Christmas; Mike, Heather, Maddie and Binky.
Sending love and strength your way.
Always in my prayers…
Jodee says:
This post made me cry…. I love the picture of you and Maddie.. Such a happy girl… I hope that next year will be so much better…. My thoughts and prayers are with you…
.-= Jodee´s last blog ..Daddy is 2… =-.
Michelle Pixie says:
I am holding the Spohr family near and dear to my heart always but a little tighter during this season. {{{HUGS}}}
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..My Head Hurts =-.
binkytowne says:
I don’t know that there is, but I hope there is a way to cherish Maddie in your heart while feeling some sense of excitement and anticipation in what next year will bring. I know that is asking a lot and you can’t help but miss her even more during a time like this, but hold on to eachother a little tighter and dream a little dream.
.-= binkytowne´s last blog ..I don’t care who knows it #best09 =-.
Molly says:
I’m so sorry you can’t have your perfect Christmas with Maddie back. I hope next year is much, much brighter.
Until then, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, it will be Valentine’s Day 🙂
Kristie says:
I’m so sorry. I wish there was something that could be said that would make it better. Simply being pregnant again in December (our preemie was born the 21st) is enough to make me a total scrooge this year.
Take care,
Kristie
Angie says:
It does feel like YOUR world has stopped though and that is ok. The 2 of you need to take this time so that when Binky comes you are able to be present for her. There will never be a replacement but a new normal. Take this time and let others slow down for you don’t speed up for them.
Many blessings!
kbreints says:
It seems like anytime you are wanting to distance your self from seomthing– reminders will be shoved your ours face, no matter what that may be.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both during this difficult holiday season.
.-= kbreints´s last blog ..Through the Lens Thursday =-.
Chrissie says:
You have every right to feel this way. I would wonder about you if you didn’t. I hope that FEBUARY brings you some happiness, we know it will, and Maddie will never be forgotten.
(((HUGS))))
Kathy says:
My heart breaks for you. I think you are doing the perfect thing this year. Take a year to remember Maddie and grieve. Next year, you will be able to focus on the happiness of the holidays with a new child, while still remembering your sweet girl. One day at a time…
Aunt Becky says:
Breaks me up. Seriously, it does. I’m just aching for you.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..I Just Called To Say I Love You. And By “I Love You,” I Mean That This Prenup Means I Own You. =-.
Kathy says:
I know were strangers….but I just love you guys so much! I want nothing but the best for you both!!!!!!!
Dammit, I wish I had a magic wand………
Gillian says:
In a small way, it’s a blessing you get this one Christmas alone before Binky comes. It’s important, at least I imagine it would be to me, to spit on the world and all its damn happiness before you feel a compulsion to engage in it all again for your second precious girl.
A round of Scrooge like holidays is totally called for. Only a few more weeks, and you’ll be into January and that much closer to seeing some light in your lives again.
.-= Gillian´s last blog ..Winter =-.
Lisa from WV says:
It’s understandable and you guys have every right to not be excited about Christmas this year if you don’t want to be. I will be thinking of you both this Christmas season. You guys have made me realize that I shouldn’t take my family for granted, during the holiday season and always.
Thoughts & Prayers,
Lisa
Kristine - Mommy Needs Therapy says:
You are in my thoughts, as always. I hope you know that however you decide to celebrate Christmas, or not celebrate this year, that there will be many, many people thinking of you and Maddie that day, as we do every day. I know I will be holding my boys a little tighter in her memory.
Kim says:
We did absolutely nothing on our first Christmas without Emma. I was a scrooge, so was my husband. It was so lonely and terrible. Just know you are not alone and are in the prayers of so many. Love to you both…
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Holiday Fun =-.
Courtney says:
I can’t begin to imagine how difficult this time of year is for you guys…God Bless.
Alyssa says:
My stepsister is currently in the hospital w/her 6 week old son, and they actually didn’t expect him to make it through the night Tuesday night, so I can only imagine what future Christmases will be like for her & her husband. I know the 1st year after my traumatic pregnancy loss (in which I almost lost my life, and also happened around this time of year), we didn’t even put up a tree…we just couldn’t find our joy.
You may not be feeling the season in grand proportions, but it seems you’re still finding your joy on a smaller scale through happy memories.
Kelly says:
I don’t know if you’ve heard “wintersong”, by Sarah McLaughlan, but when I listened to it this year, it made me think of you guys…
Thinking of you…
The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go
It’s late and morning’s in no hurry
But sleep won’t set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long
And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by
Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love
Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there
And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by
Lex - @laprimera says:
Yesterday I saw a little girl. With golden curls. Sparkly blue eyes. And eyelashes that went on forever. She turned to me and smiled. She must have been around 6 years old. And for a moment, I saw Maddie again. It was a gift.
Sending much love to you Spohrs Thank you for continuing sharing Maddie with the world.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
In Maddie’s memory, each of my kids picked out a gift for her and donated it to Toys for Tots. How I wish we could have sent them to you, instead…
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Happy Holidays and All That Jazz =-.
Christine says:
Mike, I’ve been thinking about you and Heather knowing that Christmas is approaching. Knowing that this time of year is really going to sting! And there’s nothing anyone can say to make you feel better during this time of year. There’s always a sadness that I feel during the holidays, even though it’s a time to be joyful! It’s the sadness I experience remembering my father and him passing away on December 19th, right before Christmas. But when he was alive, I felt sadness for him too, because he was sick. Keep this in mind, it’s one day of the year. And remember it’s the birth of Christ that’s it’s really all about.
Jaden says:
“I took the keyboard across the mall to the gift wrapping station and waited in line for them to make it pretty. I was so happy to give it to Maddie on Christmas day. It was one of the best moments of my life.”
OMG you totally had me crying at that paragraph. I can’t even begin to imagine… and I’m sure nobody blames you for being a Scrooge this year. *hugs* to you both. You are amazing.
Stacy says:
GORGEOUS picture of Mike and Maddie!
I think that what Gillian said above about it being good that you have this Christmas before Binky is born to fulfill your need to separate yourselves from the holidays without needing to celebrate for another child. Well, not “good”…but you know what I mean.
I think that the holidays tend to intensify whatever feelings we have that year. If you’re generally happy and fulfilled, you’ll have a joyful Christmas. If you’re lonely, Christmastime is even more lonely. I’d you’re sad or dealing with a personal tragedy, the holidays only intensify that and can feel like a slap in the face.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do right now. You’re not a Scrooge – you’re normal.
I wish people many things for the holidays – love, joy, happiness, prosperity. For you, I’m praying for an abundance of peace.
Clarice says:
You aren’t a scrooge, Mike. A scrooge is someone never wants to give anything away, whether money or happiness. You gave everything you possibly could to Maddie. You and Heather gave so much it’s no wonder you barely have enough left for yourselves. Please do not feel guilty if you are not in the “holiday spirit.” Grief cannot be rushed, and it would be so wrong for people to pressure you into acting happy just because it’s Christmas! or there’s a baby on the way! Yes, Binky is coming and she will bring you hope, but she will not erase your crushing loss or change the mourning of this season.
I am so glad your family got to experience such a perfect Christmas last year, and that you have so many pictures to document it. It’ll be a hard one to beat, huh? I’m sure Maddie loved her keyboard, it sounds like the perfect gift for Rockstar Maddie.
Tara. says:
Christmas is hard for so many people. I sometimes wish there could be a special place set aside for those that just don’t have it in them each year where they could go and not have the constant reminder of Christmas shoved in their face. Kind of like the separate tables at schools for kids with peanut allergies.
Next year will be happier. The pain will never go away but my prayer is that next year, it will sting just a little less because Binky will be here.
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..Do You Think Of Me? =-.
Erin says:
i will be thinking of you both this holiday season there isnt much i can say … but i can say that those pictures are beautiful….Maddie was so so amazing, the pictures take my breath away everytime! I know its hard, but enjoy yourselves…hold each other, smile with each other, cry with each other and most of…remember Maddie together. xoxo
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Trick Or Treat..Giving Thanks…and First Wishes =-.
Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/ says:
I am sorry. I will be thinking of you.
.-= Jenny @ http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/´s last blog ..The Family Christmas Letter !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =-.
Michele says:
what a beautiful picture of you holding Maddy. I’m sure she loved your gift.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..It Was Only a Matter Of Time… =-.
Carrie says:
Thinking of you and Heather and remembering Maddie. As someone who lost my mom at a young age, I can relate to the fact that it truly sucks that the world doesn’t stop even though it has for you. Hugs to you and Heather.
Lindsay from Florida says:
No Christmas is ever “whole” once you’ve lost someone … but they can be beautiful again. I pray that all future holidays for your family will have joy to counter the deep hurt. For now, though?? For now, I’m just so sorry for your pain. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers over the holidays.
Marti from Michigan says:
Oh Mike, I have said this before…..you are the absolute BEST man and husband ever! Heather is very blessed to have you and Maddie is very blessed to have you as her daddy. You are STILL her daddy! Some men take out their violence on their children, but you are tender-hearted and kind, and sweet. You were made to be a daddy and a daddy you are!
There is a saying……”any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy.” You are that daddy.
It’s alright to be scrooges this year, there is nothing wrong with that. You are still grieving and will be for years. 36 years later, I still miss my 26/28 week preemie boy. Primitive NICU could not save him back then. A lot of people have severe depression at the holidays, it’s OK. It’s OK, it’s OK………..
Everything will turn out alright.
Whatever your Christian (I hate the word religious!) beliefs are, please know, you are not alone and Someone does care.
Amanda says:
So many firsts this year – I can understand how all of them would be so difficult. You are right that next year will be different but this year is still this year.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Sunday – Blow By Blow =-.
Rebecca says:
Merry Christmas to your family……I pray for great health and happiness for the new year and every year after
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..You Let Your Kids Have….What??!! =-.
Bec says:
Anyone who doesn’t understand how difficult and wrong it is that Maddie isn’t here to celebrate Christmas with you guys should be shot on sight. You guys aren’t being Scrooge-ish you’re being parents who’ve been through something horrific this year.
We’ll be thinking of you guys, as always, on Christmas.
Barb Hansen says:
Maddie will always light the world with her smile. I look at the stars and wonder which one of them is your angel in Heaven.
No one expects you to be joyous now. My Dad died 3 years ago and I miss him every day. We were in NY 4 years ago Christmastime when he had a major stroke back in Michigan . He had been fine when we left. I still feel guilty I wasn’t here with him then.
You all are loved constantly ,every day throughout the World. You , Heather , Binky , Maddie and even Rigby and your families are in someone’s thoughts every second of every 24 hours because of Maddie. How amazing that little girl continues to be.We have all been blessed by her having been here , even such a short time.
Love you guys…
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Just Playing The Game =-.
Kellee says:
*hugs* to all of you. So much love out here heading your direction.
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Love Thursday: The last of the leaves =-.
Jenn says:
Oh Mike, how I wish I could change the ways of the world for you and Heather. I am so sorry that you are having to live this nightmare.
Maddie was the luckiest little girl to have you for her Daddy! Binky will be so blessed to have you and Heather as her parents.
Much love to you during this season.
Hugs,
Jenn
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Am I crazy?? =-.
Mia says:
I hope this isn’t an inappropriate thing to post here – I remember a while back a lot of people kindly offered Heather the use of their dopplers. I was just on the Wish Upon a Hero website and I noticed this wish
http://www.wishuponahero.com/wishes/?id=489019
Is there any way someone here could help out this lady? You’ve all been so kind and thoughtful towards Heather and Mike so I just thought I’d let you know of a way you could help out someone else.
Heather says:
This is fine with me, and I hope some one can help!
LD says:
While I know it’s not much, please know that my world still stops whenever I think of you and your beautiful family.
Jess says:
No, the world doesn’t stop for the rest of us, but for those who have lost something as special as a child, it turns in slow motion. You wish that time would freeze and you don’t have to deal with the comings and goings of life.
My parents lost their first child and he has been gone 31 years. They never forget, they always remember. Holidays are bittersweet, his birthday is hard, the day he died even harder. But I will tell you this. I have never felt, as the second child (and my brother Tony the 3rd) that we were loved any less or lost out on something because Jerry is gone. You find a way, you truly do. I know you, and especially Heather, worry about Binky and how life will be. It will flow easy, the love from your heart. And when Binky is ready you will tell her of a wonderful big sister named Maddie, who changed the world for so many people.
Sending love and so many hugs to you. <3
amanda says:
Look at her joyous face! Love that girl. Love you guys too.
xo from CT,
amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..the babies are coming =-.
Jodi says:
I think having a Christmas to mourn, before Binky arrives, is a good thing. It’s ok. You don’t have to celebrate a new holiday this year. It’s perfectly fine to honor a past holiday instead. Part of the process.
I do wish you both a very Blessed New Year as you count down the days until your new family member arrives.
.-= Jodi´s last blog ..This makes me feel strangely optimistic. =-.
Deidre says:
Nine years later I still feel terrible without my husband who if here today would be shopping with me for our 12 year old. I can honestly say no matter who is in or out of my life,this time of year no one will ever replace my daughters father at Christmas. And yes everyone is busy busy and I am busy trying to have this month past asap…I hope my daughter never reads this….She is becoming very computer savvy…And my 12 year year old is only interested in two things for Christmas a MacBook Pro and a dog…Lordy, Lordy
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding =-.
Glenda says:
I can’t wait for next year …. you, Heather, Binky and Rigby makiing new memories!!! Sending you both lots of hugs! XXXX stay strong! Thanks for shariing the pictures of Maddie. Great picture of you and your baby girl!
Elle says:
I understand, Mike. Two years out, the pain is not as raw. It’s more a sense of unfeeling. I exist by doing what makes me feel less bad. Like you, I have a birthday near Christmas. It’s tomorrow. No one will remember, but that’s okay. This year I bought a lot of tree ornaments, but they’re still in shopping bags. Maybe next year. I can’t find the cards I thoughtfully selected in early November. I suppose people will think I’m rude again this year, but I don’t care. One day I’ll stumble on the new boxes of cards, and I’ll stack them on the unused boxes from the last two years if I ever find those.
Just get through it all one day at a time. It will be over exactly one week from tomorrow.
Hugs to you and Heather.
Savannah says:
I came upon your website for the first time today and cried tears as i followed Maddie’s life and passing through your words. I am so deeply sorry for your loss, Maddie was an absolutely beautiful child, and my heart aches knowing she is no longer blessing our world.
That said, there is something so poetically beautiful about Binky’s imminent arrival. I know she will not replace Maddie, but Binky feels like a gift FROM Maddie– to help her parents move forward.
Debby says:
Mike, you and Heather are always in my prayers.
I’ve only know Maddie since she passed away through all the pictures that have been shared.
She was your sunshine, your perfect day. I am so sorry for your loss.
.-= Debby´s last blog .. =-.
Dee says:
I think about ya’ll often and my eyes fill with tears when I think about what you must be going through this holiday season. As always, you and your family are in my prayers!
Catherine says:
Grief is not Grinchy. It’s a necessary process. Maddie’s shining light is a beacon.
I shared a link to your post on my blog today to encourage others who might be finding this a less-than-festive season to stop by this site. You and Heather display show much fortitude in sharing your story and feelings – it minimizes the feelings of isolation that can come with grief.
Be well.
.-= Catherine´s last blog ..Inspired Resources (and a Give-Away!) =-.
Elaine says:
Thinking of you all this holiday season. What a beautiful Christmas girl!
.-= Elaine´s last blog ..PSF – The Joy of Pancakes =-.
Ray says:
This line struck me.
“The world doesn’t stop just because ours did, I understand that.”
^^No (sadly), the world does not stop, but it is TOTALLY OKAY for you and Heather (and those that knew and loved Maddie) to have wanted the world to stop when she passed. And it’s STILL OKAY to want it to stop now, because she is no longer here.
You don’t have to celebrate Christmas this year. Just hold on to each other and you’ll get through this.
Nikki says:
I was just thinking of you guys again and wanted to send more love and positive wishes your way. Stay strong, and when you can’t, know that there are people all over the world being strong for you.
XOXO
Jessica C says:
It moves me to read your posts. I lost my father on Christmas day when I was 12 and it is an up-hill battle every year to try and enjoy the holidays. As much as that hurt ( I am 30) I can’t imagine losing my child. I thank you for sharing yourselves with me. I wish I had the pleasure of actually meeting you and Maddie. I wish you all the best with Ms. Binky and the making of memories because in the end that is all we have, right? Enjoy making those memories.
Al_Pal says:
Lovely photos. I’m so sorry that your sweet Maddie isn’t here with you. Thinking of you all.
I hope there is some relief that the holidays are now past!