I am fairly new to the parenting world because Maddie is only nine months old. While I may not be a parenting expert yet, I certainly am a million times more knowledgeable than I was just a few years ago. This is because for most of my life I was clueless when it came to kids. I had no small cousins, no nieces or nephews, heck, I didn’t even have a neighbor with kids, so the extent of my parenting knowledge came from watching Bob Saget raise the Olson twins. The same went for my sister who was convinced that all babies were born saying, “You got it, dude.”
This all changed when my sister gave birth to her son, Spencer. Suddenly a baby was around, and my sister quickly became a very good mother. I, on the other hand, lived three hundred and fifty miles away from my sister (and my parents), so I didn’t get the kind of hands on experience with kids that she did. While she was learning the names of every kid’s toy and TV show, I was blissfully ignorant in Los Angeles doing…well, whatever it is dudes in their twenties do. (Mostly drinking beer and complaining about how much worse the new Star Wars films were than the originals.)
One day I got a call from my Dad saying that my mother had suffered a stroke. (NOTE: She’s recovered now and back to her wacky ways as my readers know, so there’s no need to get depressed!) Anyway, I quickly travelled up to the Bay Area to be with my family in the hospital. I stayed there the whole day – visiting with my mother and speaking with doctors – until around three in the morning when my sister and I decided to go back to her house to get some rest.
Once we arrived at my sister’s place it was pretty dark because my brother-in-law and Spencer were already asleep, so I fumbled my way over to the couch and lied down. My sister then brought me a pillow and a blanket, shut off the home’s one remaining light, and retired to her bedroom leaving me alone in the pitch black family room.
Despite the late hour, I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts were swirling in my head, and before long I was pondering pretty heavy, existential questions. I asked God/the universe why my mother had to have had a stroke. I mean why would a good God suddenly reach down and change a person from healthy to sick at the drop of a hat? It mustn’t be God, I thought. It must be an evil force. The devil perhaps. I then told myself I was being crazy. The devil doesn’t exist. I shook my head, amused with myself, and turned over. Just as I was about to fall to sleep, however, a horrifying, high pitched voice rang out.
I sat up, frightened.
I panted as I peered toward the source of the devilish laughter, but in the pitch black house I couldn’t see anything. As my eyes slowly acclimated to the darkness…
Then I saw it. My blood went cold and droplets of sweat popped up on my forehead. I may have even wet myself. Standing in the corner of the room…was a two foot tall red demon. His nightmarish, high pitched voice rang out again.
““DO YOU WANT TO PLAY??????”
“Oh my God,” I thought. “I summoned the devil by doubting his existence and now he’s going to kill me.”
“WE COULD BE FRIENDS!!!!!”
“Never, demon!” I snarled.
I covered my head with my pillow and recited the Lord’s Prayer over and over again. This seemed to work as the demon stopped talking, but I didn’t dare take my head out from under the pillow to check if he was gone.
The next thing I remember was awakening with a start. The family room was filled with light, and my sister was making breakfast. I slowly sat up, then exhaled, relieved, until…
With fear in my eyes I slowly turned to the corner of the room where my nephew, Spencer, giggled as he played with his Talking Elmo doll. He then picked up the doll and ran over to me with him.
“Uncle Mike!” Spencer said as he jutted Elmo toward me. “Have you met my friend, Elmo?”
“Yes, Spencer,” I slowly replied. “We’ve met.”
My sister later explained that the doll speaks at the time you program, and she had mistakenly programmed 3 a.m. instead of 3 p.m. Awesome, sis.
I’ve since learned that most parents think Elmo is the devil, but it’s unlikely that many of them have literally thought he was. The good news is that today, thanks to Maddie, I’m not so clueless about kids, and am confident that I could face any terror out there. Any terror except having an Elmo in the house, that is. Sorry, Maddie.
Daddy Dan says:
We have the Talking Elmo haunting our house too. Every once in a while he starts laughing and singing in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Scares the crap out of me every time.
Daddy Dans last blog post..Daddy Dan Interviews…..Terri Terri Quite Contrary
Hilarious post. We have one of those Elmo demons in our house too. You are our featured destination for the The Lonely Blogosphere tomorrow at All Mediocre. Hope you get some new visitors.
Whatever, Dude. I love Elmo, so I have to take issue with this post. Plus, I’m a little drunk. So there’s that.
Anna Marie says:
Hilarious! I cannot STAND that little red dude that can only refer to himself in the 3rd person. If he had woken me up in the middle of the night I would have drop-kicked him out the front door.
Anna Maries last blog post..I can haz doggie noze?
Around our place, Barney the Dinosaur was the devil. Now I have teenagers, and have no need for a devil substitute. They take care of that for me.
That’s right up there with the talking furbies that used to go off in the middle of the night – a godd smack usually took care of it though.
Must have the devil on my mind! I meant to say good of course.
A Free Man says:
To your sister’s credit, that would scare the shit out of me no matter the time of day.
I have a strong aversion to talking toys. Not only because I have had a similar experience with one talking to me in the dark – but also because I find the pre-recorded banter starts to haunt my dreams after a while (and I’ve definitely had Elmo’s La-La-La-LA, La-La-La-LA song featured one too many times). Finally – when the batteries start to run down, the sweet chirpy voice starts to sound more guttural and demonic – and you REALLY don’t want to be surprised by THAT in the dark.
Mary Beth says:
I will never look at Elmo the same way again! I literaly snorted my diet coke by the end.
Mary Beths last blog post..EVERYONE’S GOT TALENT
We don’t have an ELMO that talks but we have a Barbie phone that calls us at all hours of night telling us that she thinks zebra’s are cool and maybe we can all wear the same purple dress to school tomorrow. I am usually too busy to get the phone but my husband who is always looking for some action always answers. He is excited to talk to Barbie because he knows Barbie is a…… well, not a nice girl.
That was great!
We have TWO Elmo dolls here. One that laughs it’s ass off and one that demands it’s BABA please over and over again!
The one that scares me is the Learning Puppy!
That Learning Puppy is possessed for sure!!! :0
Ugh…. one of my close friends can do Elmo’s voice, SPOT ON!!! Speaking of Sesame Street…. get on YouTube and do a search for “Unnecessary censorship” click on the one for the “Come and Play Edition”. You’ll laugh your ass off.
Joes last blog post..Do you know who I am?
I am still laughing. That is the best story I’ve heard in days. My daughter loves Elmo so we have many movies and dolls with that laugh. In fact, she watched Elmo’s Potty Time twice THIS MORNING.
Rachels last blog post..Lizzy’s Mug Shot
wow- you are crazy….
nah, I’m joking- but it would have def scared me to death to hear that in middle of the night. Another thing you dont want to hear in middle of the night- two screaming infants.
mayas last blog post..Nurturing Individuality
I always loved Elmo, and have since passed my Elmos to my son for his keeping. I always make certain they are tucked away at night, since there is nothing worse than hearing a toy begin talking in the middle of the night, seemingly without assistance.
Our son has toys that make random noises in the middle of the night. Freaks me out sometimes.
Man, ever since I saw the old Talking Tina episode of the Twilight Zone when I was a kid I have been terrified of talking toys!! Once during a particularly rough Midwestern thunderstorm, I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink and my son’s life-size pony looked directly at me and started singing (it’s not supposed to sing unless you push a button in his ear). Look – I have goosebumps on my arms right now just typing about it!!!
DOWN WITH FREAKY TOYS!
Jamie’s comment cracked me up bc we had that same Barbie phone.
We have the Fisher Price grill that “fires up” in the middle of the night. Talk bout the devil coming!
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That’s great. I hated Elmo ever since he got his own spot on Sesame Street. I don’t know where he got his street creds from, but now I’ve seen the light. Only Satan could have pulled off that coup. Fortunately tickle-me-elmo (aka punch-me-elmo) has long been yard-saled to some other unsuspecting parent,
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We had something similar to that happen once. It was a Kung Fu Panda toy and it was motion sensor…I went to check on my daughter before I went to bed and I hear a high pitched “hiiieee Yah!” I jumped about 12 feet in the air and woke up the poor child when I fell on her bed. Found you at All Mediocre Great blog!
Oscar was given a three foot Elmo doll before we had the chance to ban him. He totally loves him, and we don’t even let him watch TV. But, you know, if it’s not Elmo, it’ll probably be something else. Like those Disney princesses. Beware.
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Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Just warning you, since Maddie’s birthday is just a few months away. Other people will get her Elmo stuff. Also Disney Princess stuff, even when you’ve stated several times that you HATE it. Just sayin’.
Ms. Moon says:
We had a demented Furbie. That thing was truly possessed. I was so happy to throw it out.
“I am fairly new to the parenting world because Maddie is only nine months old” WHAT?? You mean you’re not an old pro at 3 AM wake-ups & diaper changes??
I can say that we never had Elmo in our home. We did, however, have Po & Tinky Winky as residents for some 5 years. It kind of grossed me out, those toys. Don’t know how she got into them? Could it really have been PBS’ doings?
gins last blog post..An uninvited guest…
Mama Kalila says:
LOL – my husband hates Elmo w/ a passion… unfortunatley i already had an Elvis Elmo and Kalila loves it… but I know there will be no others… I think I’m showing him this post though, think he’ll get a kick out of it!
Mama Kalilas last blog post..Mmmm.. Let’s Eat!
I have to tell you. I was putting my daughter asleep last night and as I got up to sneak out in the dark, I accidentally bumped into her Elmo doll on the end of her bed, who responded with “HI HI, ELMO UP UP! ELMO LOVES YOU!” and then went off into a song about how he likes to be picked up. It scared the shit out of me because I wasn’t expecting it and the first image that flashed into my head was that creepy Elmo picture you posted on your blog. Of course Elizabeth woke up again and started crying and I had to lay there for another 20 minutes with the image in my head.
Rachels last blog post..My Blog is My Psychoanalyst
My daughter had a Ready Freddy once. It taught you to tie shoes, tell time, that sorta thing. It talked. Unfortunatley there was no on/off switch. at the time I worked 2nd shift. I came home around 1 am one morning to a dark house. As I walked through the living room I musta stepped on a loose floorboard cause all of a sudden I heard “HI! My name is Ready Freddy! Do you want to tie your shoe?”. I didn’t make it into the bathroom quick enough for the inevitable accident. After that, Ready Freddy’s batteries mysteriously disappeared.
Angelas last blog post..Out of the mouths of babes
I’ve always had an irresistible urge to BEAT ELMO OVER THE HEAD.
He is right up there with Barney in terms of annoying.
Loralees last blog post..“Naked movie night”-One day I will publish something about my life that does not contain the word “Naked”. (For NOW, however…)
Ha! That is awesome–and so true, so true. I thought that freakin’ Elmo doll was the scariest thing EVER! I couldn’t believe it was such a big hit. It was worse than the whole creepy clown thing. *shudder*
Bahhaha! We have a Tickle Me Elmo, which we’ve decided is a bit of a perv (like the dirty old man on Family Guy)…..
Kristins last blog post..That’s what blogs are for, right?
I refer to him as the Little Red Bastard. My sister has Elmo DVDs that play CONSTANTLY in the background at her house. It’s ridiculous. Plus that bumbling idiot “Mr. Noodle” needs to be shot in the head.
Mekhismom Aka Renée says:
You are too funny. Talking Elmo scared the bejesus out of you.
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