So the wife was at a baby shower today and called to ask if I could bring Maddie over to make a guest appearance. I was sort of annoyed as Maddie and I were both in our PJs and deeply immeshed in an episode of “Cops,” but the gal the shower was for, Leslie, is da bomb, so I told Heather I would bring the kid over nonetheless. Heather then said, “AND MAKE SURE YOU PUT HER IN SOMETHING CUTE!!!!”
This last request threw me. Cute? When has Maddie been dressed in something that wasn’t cute? In my mind she ALWAYS looks cute. In fact, at that moment Maddie was clad in a spit-up covered onesy and a soggy, stinky diaper and I thought to myself, “Still cute!”
In any event, I was smart enough to realize that bringing Maddie to a baby shower covered in vomit and wearing a crap filled diaper would likely be frowned upon, so I hurried back to the baby room to change her.
We interrupt this post to bring a message to the humorless…I never leave Maddie sitting in a crap filled diaper long! I always change her the minute the stink hits the air, but at the moment that Heather called the stink had indeed hit the air! Okay, back to my story…
Anyhoo…once I changed Maddie’s diaper I started searching for a “cute outfit.” This is where the day took a turn for the worse. Ladies, NEVER ask your hubby to put the kid in something cute. Just be glad that your kids are actually wearing clothing when you come home. Because honestly? If you left it to us dudes we would sit around all day in our tightie-whities while the kids ran around in their diapers.
FURTHERMORE…without instructions we have no idea what the hell is going on in the baby room. Once I got Maddie in there and ready to get “cute” (and with only about fifteen minutes until I was supposed to get her to this party) I opened the drawers and saw piles of clothing.
“Aaarghh!” I thought. “Which ones of these is cute?”
I quickly called Heather who was busy but barked, “A dress! Dresses are cute!”
I hung up and searched in the drawer until I found an adorable dress. “Perfect!” I thought, and hurriedly put the dress on Maddie. I then grimaced. Maddie was swimming in it like Tom Hanks’ character at the end of Big when he turned back into a kid. I then looked at the tag. It read: “For ages 18-24 months.”
“What the heck?” I gasped. “I don’t have clothes in my closet that will only fit me when I’m 300 pounds!” Hmm. Maybe I should though based on my recent eating habits.
Anyway…I then grabbed another cute outfit and tried to put it on Maddie but it was too small! I made a mental note to ask Heather why we still have clothes around that don’t fit Maddie. It’s not like she can go on a diet and lose weight to get back into them! You know, not like my size 34 four jeans I refuse to throw out.
I then found a dress that was the right size, but quickly grew frustrated because there were like twelve bows that needed to be tied to make it look good, and you know what? I would need to turn in my dude card if I sat there for half an hour lovingly tying each one.
In the end…despite Heather’s suggestion/order to put Maddie in a dress I went with the old stand-by…her baby jeans and a T-shirt. I am happy to report that when we got to the party Heather told me I did a great job and that Maddie looked very cute. She was probably lying, but was kind enough to throw me a bone upon seeing how frazzled I was!
Long story short…ladies, unless you lay out an outfit before you leave…don’t expect us men to know what to dress our babies in!
Messy our not, however, (and with bad hair) Heather still loves us: