So the wife was at a baby shower today and called to ask if I could bring Maddie over to make a guest appearance. I was sort of annoyed as Maddie and I were both in our PJs and deeply immeshed in an episode of “Cops,” but the gal the shower was for, Leslie, is da bomb, so I told Heather I would bring the kid over nonetheless. Heather then said, “AND MAKE SURE YOU PUT HER IN SOMETHING CUTE!!!!”
This last request threw me. Cute? When has Maddie been dressed in something that wasn’t cute? In my mind she ALWAYS looks cute. In fact, at that moment Maddie was clad in a spit-up covered onesy and a soggy, stinky diaper and I thought to myself, “Still cute!”
In any event, I was smart enough to realize that bringing Maddie to a baby shower covered in vomit and wearing a crap filled diaper would likely be frowned upon, so I hurried back to the baby room to change her.
We interrupt this post to bring a message to the humorless…I never leave Maddie sitting in a crap filled diaper long! I always change her the minute the stink hits the air, but at the moment that Heather called the stink had indeed hit the air! Okay, back to my story…
Anyhoo…once I changed Maddie’s diaper I started searching for a “cute outfit.” This is where the day took a turn for the worse. Ladies, NEVER ask your hubby to put the kid in something cute. Just be glad that your kids are actually wearing clothing when you come home. Because honestly? If you left it to us dudes we would sit around all day in our tightie-whities while the kids ran around in their diapers.
FURTHERMORE…without instructions we have no idea what the hell is going on in the baby room. Once I got Maddie in there and ready to get “cute” (and with only about fifteen minutes until I was supposed to get her to this party) I opened the drawers and saw piles of clothing.
“Aaarghh!” I thought. “Which ones of these is cute?”
I quickly called Heather who was busy but barked, “A dress! Dresses are cute!”
I hung up and searched in the drawer until I found an adorable dress. “Perfect!” I thought, and hurriedly put the dress on Maddie. I then grimaced. Maddie was swimming in it like Tom Hanks’ character at the end of Big when he turned back into a kid. I then looked at the tag. It read: “For ages 18-24 months.”
“What the heck?” I gasped. “I don’t have clothes in my closet that will only fit me when I’m 300 pounds!” Hmm. Maybe I should though based on my recent eating habits.
Anyway…I then grabbed another cute outfit and tried to put it on Maddie but it was too small! I made a mental note to ask Heather why we still have clothes around that don’t fit Maddie. It’s not like she can go on a diet and lose weight to get back into them! You know, not like my size 34 four jeans I refuse to throw out.
I then found a dress that was the right size, but quickly grew frustrated because there were like twelve bows that needed to be tied to make it look good, and you know what? I would need to turn in my dude card if I sat there for half an hour lovingly tying each one.
In the end…despite Heather’s suggestion/order to put Maddie in a dress I went with the old stand-by…her baby jeans and a T-shirt. I am happy to report that when we got to the party Heather told me I did a great job and that Maddie looked very cute. She was probably lying, but was kind enough to throw me a bone upon seeing how frazzled I was!
Long story short…ladies, unless you lay out an outfit before you leave…don’t expect us men to know what to dress our babies in!
Messy our not, however, (and with bad hair) Heather still loves us:
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I think Maddie still looks cute regardless what clothes she’s wearing! Love those eyes!!
At my house, those instructions would have been followed by explicit details on where to find the cute outfit and what to accessorize with. I think those girls at the shower were drinking.
You could dress that girl in a potato sack and she’s still be the prettiest thing in the room. I mean, really. How could you possibly un-cute her?
Ms. Moons last blog post..Yikes! Ike!
Jenna lays all that stuff out for me because I supposedly can’t match stuff and have no style and all that. Wives.
Black Hockey Jesuss last blog post..Night Terrors In Tap Shoes
I learned this lesson long ago. When I left for BlogHer I put Dylan’s outfits on the kitchen table, with underwear, so DJ wouldn’t have to figure out what to put him in. It could have embarassed me. And we can’t have that.
Jeans are always safe. There’s something about a baby in tiny little jeans that I just can’t resist.
I have had this conversation SO many times. I ususally give specific instructions for the exact outfit and where it can be found. And then my kids show up looking ready for any photo-op with the exception of footwear. I always forget the footwear! So Eleanor will inevitably arrive wearing her best party dress with pool shoes.
So funny! When my husband dresses our son (and there are far fewer options for boys, trust me) he almost always clashes.
Oh, and wait until she starts crawling and eating solids, Mike. Then, she’ll be across the room and you won’t be able to smell the diaper, you’ll see it sagging under the weight of her ginormous, adult-sized poops.
jennis last blog post..Reason #2 Why Pregnancy is Awesome
I once left Jason for a couple hours while Jason was on Baby Duty. When I got home I found my daughter lounging in just a diaper that was put on BACKWARDS! He won’t admit it but I am convinced he did it just so I will never ask him to change her diaper again. It worked for about six months.
Rachels last blog post..Excerpt From Little Bear (children’s show)
Oh my gosh, the exact same thing happened in our house a couple of weeks ago! I took my son to a birthday party across the street, and when I got there I saw that although it was a “kid party,” everyone there had their significant other with them! So I called my husband and told him to get the baby and himself over, STAT! I was TOTALLY worried that my husband was going to bring my baby over in something “not cute”. He did a good job, though. I was proud! See, you guys do really know what you’re doing, you just don’t want to admit it!
HeatherPrides last blog post..Donkeys and Elephants and Asses, OH MY!
the only dressers worse than daddies?
NANNIES.
sometimes it amazes me how homeless she dresses my daughter!
alis last blog post..HELP. i promise i’m not sporting shiners.
My husband has had the same difficulties. Now of course, my kids are old enough to pick out their own clothes and dress themselves. But if I’m ever not around in the morning and he gets them off to school, I always question him. “What were they wearing? Did their clothes match? Did they brush their hair?” And you know what I always get? “Uh…”
Christys last blog post..This Is Me Making Fun Of Myself For Being A Dork
I imagine it’s tougher for you having to dress a little girl up to be all nice and cutesy. Which is nice to do, but in reality, well you’re right, it’s simply not always easy for us to do with little girls, or boys for that matter.
My Lilly leaves the house every morning with The Boy all dressed up with pants and everything. By the time she hits the curb his pants come flying off.
Who the hell wants to put pants on after every diaper change anyway! That would take another, oh, ten seconds of my day.
Surfer Jays last blog post..And Now For Something Completely Wrong
Wow, I can so relate. To HEATHER!
Loris last blog post..Just a quick note
I think the main area of discord for us is that our definitions of “cute” are NOT the same. Cute to me = coordinated top and bottom, with awesome shoes. Cute to Jeremy = something that makes her look like a cowgirl or athlete. With Nikes or boots. Or something with Pooh, and I don’t even know how THAT gets in there, except to think maybe my mother in law sneaks over when we’re not home.
Headless Dad didn’t know cute either. Although he was dressing boys so you’d think it would be easier, he still had trouble with it. You’re in good company.
Headless Moms last blog post..30 Days of Less
HA- You are so right. Never EVER say to a guy- “put her in something cute”. I made the mistake of saying that to my husband once and he said “I have no idea what that means”. I always lay out their clothes for them, and each girls has her own outfit. Sometimes he will put the wrong outfit on the wrong baby- and that pisses me off as well. Each outfit is chosen specifically for that baby. Sheesh. Cant you guys get it right?
mayas last blog post..This is what happens when you’re bored on a rainy day.
She does cute naturally, pick whatever you want. I just like to reach in the drawer with the lights out and grab something for The Boy. I just like to get The Wife going sometimes.
I am going to make my husband read this. If a random guy shows up at your house to give you a high five (or whatever it is that guys do when they aren’t sitting around in tighty-whities), you’ll know who it is. Because he totally cannot dress our children. And we have all boys.
When the twins were little they used to wear a lot of the same clothes but in different colours, I went away overnight once and left out a two piece outfit each for them. They were in their nightclothes when I got back the following evening so it wasn’t until a few weeks later when my ex showed me some photos that he’d taken, that I saw he’d put one part of each outfit on each daughter. When I questioned him, his only comment was ‘hmm, thought it was odd you’d bought orange and blue outfits, they didn’t really seem to go’.
Willows last blog post..Advice to my selves
It was awesome to read this, since I’ve done that to my husband about a million times.
Usually: “OH MY GOD WHAT IS HE WEARING THAT DOESN’T MATCH. I SAID CUTE.”
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Emily told me to dress Erin in something cute once. So I dressed her in the pinkest ensemble of pink clothes I could find, all from a Disney Princess line and they included too-tight pants and a snug top…and a crown hat.
Last time.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Four Fathers
Good job Dad. She is darling.
ShellyDs last blog post..It’s a dog’s life.
Man, can I relate to this. I’m always being accused of putting my boy in inappropriate clothes or socks that don’t match his shrt. (Who matches socks to their shirt?) Usually when told to dress the boy, I put him in my alma mater’s t-shirt and a pair of jeans which my partner surreptitiously changes before we leave the house.
Just forwarded your link to my husband. He will totally get this post. Countless times he’s dressed the children in crazy unimaginable combinations. I always say “Have you EVER seen them wear that together?” I usually get an eye roll. He knows that if we’re going somewhere important to leave them in diapers/underwear until I can pick the clothing out. Men… LOL, but kuddos to you for getting it right on!
Kristins last blog post..Life is a highway…
My wife had to read your post out to me since she came home from work yesterday and the boys and I were all in our tighty whiteys. Whatever. It was hot.
Captain Dumbasss last blog post..Mother Nature Bitch Slapped Me
This is precisely why I either lay the clothes out or I tell him to go for the tshirt and jeans. I also have a great photographic memory and so I can describe outfits sometimes too. You male species were I think genetically inclined to mismatch
But for some reason we keep you all around 
HAHAHAHA I have said this same thing to my hubby. However he is color and pattern matching challenged. And yes, socks have to match shirts! But you did a good job.
After years of making the “cute” request i think now that my kids are 5 he’s finally gotten it and come up with some pretty kick ass outfits if I do say so myself.
Now I just have to get him to learn how to fix our daughters hair. Then life would be perfect
WMs last blog post..For maximum entertainment stick close to home
I needed this post…. I thought I was the only one that didn’t know what the heck was going on in baby’s room. I tried being proactive the other day. Sarah was in the shower, so I wanted to get Ty in some jammies. Needless to say, we came back downstairs in the same outfit.
As a matter of fact, on babies, regular clothes often look like jammies, and jammies regularly look like daily clothes.
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I love this article because the same thing happened to me.
When I first encountered that outfit problem for my baby, I’ve thought that this things should never happened to me and my baby again. I’ll make sure that my baby will always look cute in any outfit.
P.S. Thanks for the post, I’m really glad to know that I’m not alone with the that experience.
Quite interesting lines by you ! I enjoyed the post. Truly speaking men and women are quite different in many aspects by nature. I believe that bringing up a child is quite tough for a daddy without a Mom, ladies are if not better but are so quick to dress up the kids, that suits them.
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