Alright, Wii Fitness, we need to talk because you are seriously pissing me off. For reals. First you take my wife away on Sunday morning so she can buy you without any regard for the fact that Sunday is one of the few mornings I get to kick back and relax without having to cater to all of my kid’s needs thanks to my wife being around…but then you come into my home…into MY MOTHERTRUCKIN’ HOME…and make me exercise? Who do you think you are, Wii Fitness? Really?

Oh, and I hate to break it to you, but you don’t look nearly as cute as you think you do in this box. In fact I think it actually makes you look fat…

And then…AND THEN….when I step on the machine to be weighed it lets out an “Oooh!” like I am so fucking fat that I’m hurting an inanimate object. Really? Is that supposed to motivate me to lose weight, Wii Fitness? Which one of your asshole programmers thought up that gem of a feature? Probably the fat, balding dude in the Star Wars T-shirt eating a goddamn donut!!!! Well, I don’t find it funny, Star Wars Boy! I’ve had sex! Have you? Doubtful! So keep programming your little jokes, funny guy!

Oh, but I’m not done. You then say you’re going to “calculate” my fitness age based on how steady I can stand on your stupid board…and you…YOU…have the nerve to say my body is FIFTY-FREAKING-FIVE years old. I don’t think so! I may be out of shape, but my body isn’t old enough to remember the Eisenhower administration, you jerk.

Last but not least your little hussy slut of a trainer chick on screen asked me if I wanted to watch her from the front or behind when she demonstrated a Yoga pose that puts her on all fours. I, being a man, said, “Heh. From behind, honey!” then turned to see my wife was less than pleased. Now, because I made a sexist comment about the computer graphic woman you made I’m in trouble with the wife? It’s not even a REAL WOMAN!!! I mean, shit, I way would have preferred to get in trouble for flirting with a hot waitress or something. At least she would have been real, and not belittled me for not being able to do a stupid yoga move!

In conclusion, you better start telling me I am all things fabulous or you are not gonna like it around here. I’m not threatening you or nothing, but things have been known to be broken around these parts. Just ask our scale. Capeesh?