Before James was born I was pretty amused by how nervous Heather was about the prospect of having to change his diapers. She’d heard a lot of horror stories – about baby boys peeing in their parents‘ faces, for example – and wanted none of it.
“You’re not worried?” Heather asked me one night.
“Worried? Puh-lease. Don’t forget I’ve got the same plumbing. I’ll be able change his diapers with one hand tied behind my back.”
“ But -”
“Ain’t no thang but a chicken wing, Heather.”
“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to say that anymore.”
“Right. Sorry. But I stand by the point. I’ve got this.”
Well, we are now seven weeks into James’ life, and Heather, I am amazed to report, has yet to be peed on even once. I, on the other hand, must have a target on my forehead.
Here are some of my “best” moments:
Not even a millisecond after opening James’ diaper he let loose with a stream all over his Dad.
“Hmmm. That’s weird how it’s just sticking up like that. I wonder why it’s… AAAAARRGGHHHH!!!!”
“Can I help?” Annie excitedly asked as she trailed me into James’ room. “Can I? Please?”
“Uh, sure,” I said as I set James down on the changing table and opened his diaper. “Can you give me a wipe?”
And then this interminable exchange happened:
“The plastic flap, Annie. Pull it up. Just pull it up. That thing there. Yes, there. Pull it up. Good. Now take out a wipe. That’s right. I know it feels slimy. Just give me one. Just one! I only need one wipe. Alright! Good job!”
With wipe finally in hand I turned back to James to see that, while I was distracted with Annie, he’d peed all over everything in sight.
I was in the middle of the unenviable task of cleaning up a number 2 when James suddenly peed in my face. Not cool, man!
After pees 1-4, this lughead finally started to put a wipe over James’ lap the minute I opened his diaper. But then a couple weeks passed without James peeing while being changed and I got lazy. It only took a couple changes without the wipe over James’ lap before he once again did his thing.
Heather, of course, is very amused by my ineptitude with James’ diapers, so I’m looking forward to the day he finally pees on her, too. I mean, he will eventually, right? Come on, James. Spread the love!