Before James was born I was pretty amused by how nervous Heather was about the prospect of having to change his diapers. She’d heard a lot of horror stories – about baby boys peeing in their parents‘ faces, for example – and wanted none of it.
“You’re not worried?” Heather asked me one night.
“Worried? Puh-lease. Don’t forget I’ve got the same plumbing. I’ll be able change his diapers with one hand tied behind my back.”
“ But -”
“Ain’t no thang but a chicken wing, Heather.”
“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to say that anymore.”
“Right. Sorry. But I stand by the point. I’ve got this.”
Well, we are now seven weeks into James’ life, and Heather, I am amazed to report, has yet to be peed on even once. I, on the other hand, must have a target on my forehead.
“I didn’t like how smug you were, Daddy, so I decided to make you pay.”
Here are some of my “best” moments:
Pee #1
Not even a millisecond after opening James’ diaper he let loose with a stream all over his Dad.
Pee #2
“Hmmm. That’s weird how it’s just sticking up like that. I wonder why it’s… AAAAARRGGHHHH!!!!”
Pee #3
“Can I help?” Annie excitedly asked as she trailed me into James’ room. “Can I? Please?”
“Uh, sure,” I said as I set James down on the changing table and opened his diaper. “Can you give me a wipe?”
“YES!”
And then this interminable exchange happened:
“The plastic flap, Annie. Pull it up. Just pull it up. That thing there. Yes, there. Pull it up. Good. Now take out a wipe. That’s right. I know it feels slimy. Just give me one. Just one! I only need one wipe. Alright! Good job!”
With wipe finally in hand I turned back to James to see that, while I was distracted with Annie, he’d peed all over everything in sight.
Pee #4
I was in the middle of the unenviable task of cleaning up a number 2 when James suddenly peed in my face. Not cool, man!
Pee #5
After pees 1-4, this lughead finally started to put a wipe over James’ lap the minute I opened his diaper. But then a couple weeks passed without James peeing while being changed and I got lazy. It only took a couple changes without the wipe over James’ lap before he once again did his thing.
Heather, of course, is very amused by my ineptitude with James’ diapers, so I’m looking forward to the day he finally pees on her, too. I mean, he will eventually, right? Come on, James. Spread the love!
defendUSA says:
Yep. That’s the trick…As soon as the open air hits them, they gotta go! Putting the “flap” in the way will surely help you…If Heather has already mastered it,though, It is possibe for her to remain unloved!
Nicole says:
Pee #4 made me laugh out loud!
When my 14 yr old was a newborn he only peed on one person and that was the nurse at the ped’s office at his 2 week check up.
Tamela says:
My son peed in his own eye when he was about 6 weeks old.
Ali says:
Here’s my trick: keep a stack of baby washcloths in the changing table. Never leave him exposed. Diaper is pulled back with the washcloth already over to take it’s place. When he pees, it gets soaked up by the washcloth, and you can just hold it above when you need to clean.
I think in my 2 years with a boy, I’ve been peed on maybe twice. My husband, who was also cocky, has been peed on more times than I can count (and our son even managed to get it in his own face when daddy wasn’t prepared!).
Adventures of boys!!!
Colleen MN says:
Just use a washcloth or standard diaper, put it over the plumbing as soon as you pull off the diaper. No more pee in the face
Lisa F. says:
One of the first things I learned when babysitting for my boy cousins — if it’s standing up, he’s not done! :p It’s served me well over the years. I think I’ve been peed on maybe two or three times.
Cheryl says:
Never covered my son and he never peed on me! Guess I was lucky
Ellie says:
Omg! Thanks for the laugh Mike, I almost peed myself… Very ironic lol
Leah says:
Once when I was changing her diaper my daughter projectile-pooped literally five feet through the room and out the door into the hall. My mother came running when she heard my scream of hysterical laughter (not knowing it was laughter) and slipped on the poop!
Annalisa says:
Laugh? That would have scarred me for life.
My daughter still lets the occasional stream loose when diaper changes occur, just to remind me she’s not too keen to move on to potty training (she’s 2 1/2). I invariably tell her “Gee, thanks! I was dying to scrub that floor with bleach again”, and then remember that toddlers have no sense of irony, so my comment is totally lost on her.
Paula says:
I was changing my oldest, Temper, and talking on the phone at the same time. He peed on the phone set and my face so I cleaned everything up. Next time the phone rang I kept saying hello but they couldn’t hear me I could only hear them. He had ruined the handset.
Duck and cover is a good thing to remember when changing boys.
Sara says:
One time, in a baby store, I saw something called a peepee teepee. hee hee. I have girls so I never got to try it. maybe check it out?
karin says:
My baby (now 21 yr old) never hit me with his pee; but he sure did get his Dad all the time. I was quick with covering him with a clean cloth diaper.
Jesabes says:
My two-year-old peed on my husband all time when he was a baby and I managed to escape unscathed. I think I’d better stop having kids to keep the streak alive.
Jennifer says:
Our son is almost 9 months old. I have never been peed on and Jacob has only been peed on once, and that was when he was distracted and took forever to put the clean diaper on him. I thought boys peeing was just a myth someone had created to scare parents…I guess now lol
Auntie_M says:
Are you (gasp!) implying pee #3 had something to do with being distracted by Annabel????
No….I didn’t think so.
All the pees made me laugh!!!
Katie B. says:
This post literally made me laugh till I cried. After having two girls, my husband was equally very relaxed about having a boy and not worried at all about being hit. My son quickly took care of that laid back attitude and was gracious enough to even add some poop during a traumatic incident. My husband was terrified of my son’s aim for many months afterwards.
Love your stories!