Yesterday I was driving on the freeway when I may… MAY… have drifted into the lane next to mine ever so slightly. Suddenly, a horn blasted and I quickly turned the wheel to stay in my lane. No harm, no foul, right?
Well, not exactly. Mr. Horn Blaster revved his engine, and I immediately knew exactly what was going to happen because it is what almost always happens in these situations – he was going to accelerate past me, then slow down and make a show of glaring at me before speeding off.
Here’s the thing… I don’t like it when someone accidentally drifts into my lane any more than the next guy, but it happens to even the best driver every once in a while. You know what I do when someone does this ahead of me? I hit my horn if need be, then continue to drive along as if I don’t have major, major anger management issues.
But that isn’t what Mr. Horn Blaster did. He zoomed past me as predicted, then, along with his passenger (Mrs. Horn Blaster, I presumed) gave me the stink face for a good five count. I stared at the road, pretending not to notice, until the awkward moment finally ended.
Once Mr. Horn Blaster accelerated away I got upset. Why do people think they have the right to act like belligerent a-holes just because someone made a mistake? Do they think it is up to them to make other people pay penance for their “sin?”
I got more and more upset until I had a glorious epiphany. Instead of just staring at the road awkwardly when this happens in the future, I am going to take control of the situation. That’s right. Next time a driver stares me down they will be greeted by one of the following characters:
MR. HAPPY
“Hi, Buddy!”
Mr. Happy has no idea that he drifted into your lane or that your honked horn was meant for him. He is REALLY HAPPY that you made eye contact with him though because he just loves making new friends. His apparent inability to register your expression as hostile will infuriate you to no end.
THE HARE KRISHNA
“Peace and love. Om…”
The Hare Krishna knows that he drifted into your lane, but refuses to allow any negative energy to interrupt his peace of mind, especially over such an insignificant experience. He is amused by your anger, and will continue to flash you the peace sign as long as you give him the evil eye.
THE MORON
“Doh! I love lamp.”
The Moron is SOOOOO sorry that he drifted into your lane and feels SOOOOO bad about it. No matter how angry a glare you send his way, you could never make him feel worse about what happened than he already does. He feels so bad, in fact, that he will drive alongside you for miles, continuously looking over and making apologetic expressions until you are forced to get off at the next exit.
THE LOOK OUT!!! GUY
“AARRGGHHH!!!”
The Look Out!!! Guy thinks that people who just avoided an accident shouldn’t push their luck by turning around and glaring at someone while traveling at 70+ miles per hour, so he will scream and point ahead once you look back at him. This will cause you to wrench your neck while swinging it forward, your heart beating a thousand times a second. When you look back to the Look Out!!! Guy he will be looking ahead as if nothing happened whatsoever.
Aww, who am I kidding. Next time this happens I’m just going to stare awkwardly at the road until my dressing down is over like I always do, then spend the rest of the afternoon stewing over it. Good times!
katrina @ They All Call Me Mom says:
Wait – that was YOU?!!!!
Sorry about the mean glare. Usually my husband and I don’t have the Road Rage, but you know, with the stress of the holidays and such, we just let it get the best of us.
P.S. I think the LOOK OUT!!! GUY is the one to go with next time!
Audra says:
I’m not a fan of the stink face following what was clearly an accident. I have been known to stare at drivers when I pass them on the highway, but I try to reserve this for people who have INTENTIONALLY done something to provoke my ire. For example, I need to look and see who the driver is on a car with a bumper sticker that reads “My other car is a broom” or “I brake for ICP.” Who would put that on their car? The best is when the driver is an elderly man.
Holly says:
I do Mr. Happy! Well, Mrs. Happy, but whatever. It usually kinda throws them off. Just keep smiling. Maybe even throw your head back and laugh at them and their anger. Believe me, you will feel much better about the interaction than the other guy.
Alison says:
I’ve done a modified version of The Look Out!! Guy (mine being The Look Out!! Girl, of course). It’s kind of funny to make people realize, “Hmm, maybe I should just drive and stop being a poop!”
I’ve found the people that drift into lanes, don’t use signals, etc. aren’t the ones I need to worry about (but still look out for!). The ones that hit me are the ones I never see coming (thanks, lady on cell phone who t-boned me this year.. thanks a lottttt).
Gwen says:
Oh I just LOVE IT! Mr. Happy and the Look Out Guy are must do’s!!
deann says:
My husband totally does Mr. Happy. What’s hilarious is sometimes it really makes the other driver mad. Once he had a driver pull in front of him and then stop in the middle of the interstate. Wait on second thought, maybe you should avoid Mr. Happy.
Becca Masters says:
The look out guy is hilarious. You should do that one.
Alternatively if you had a passenger, get the passenger to pull their pants down and press their butt cheeks against the window as you drive past with a completely normal expression on your face.
Kris says:
What I always marvel at in these situations is that these Road Rage people are probably perfectly nice people in real life. When I see someone being mean like that, I always wonder if they would act like that to their moms, or sisters, or girlfriends, etc. You figure, the person that they are being mean to is likely one of those people to someone else (or someone’s dad, brother or boyfriend).
Sara says:
One time I was at the world’s slowest stoplight (I knew I was going to be there for at least 15 minutes) so I called my Grandma because I had info she was waiting on. A dude 2 cars over spend the entire time screaming at me that I was a bitch who needed to get off her phone. Now, I hate people on their phones while driving as much as the next person, but we weren’t even moving anywhere! It was kind of scary.
Julie says:
Seriously funny shit! I dare you! You should do an experiment and see which one has the best results!
Jenn says:
My favourite is …..”Mr. Look Out Guy”!! Why? Because I laughed when I saw “him” & would think it would be IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to be mad when they see “that guy”. Let us know how that works for ya!!
edenland says:
I LOVE THIS MIKE. This is EXACTLY what I think when I do something wrong on the road .. people are all indignant, like, how DARE I make a mistake.
I’m going to be one of your characters next time, oh yes I am.
Thank you for the laugh, man.
kerry says:
My favorite response is to give them a big cheesy grin and a thumbs up. Nobody expects that finger! The best thing is that it helps turn your own anger and frustration into childish giggles. I’m going to try some of these responses next time.
Molly says:
Oh man, I love this. Once I accidentally cut off a guy going 80 (i looked in my mirror/blind spot but didn’t see him b ecause.. um duh he was barreling up the highway) and not only did he flip me off and scream at me and honk, he actually followed me to my destination and drove around the parking lot behind me. It was terrifying!!
People need to chill.
Lindsey Cote says:
ugh…this kills me! apparently some guy didn’t like the way my husband was driving the other night and actually got OUT of his car and came up to the window. did he really think my 34 year old husband was going to get out and fight him in the middle of the road!? what is wrong with people!
Monica says:
ohmyword your crack me up! I like all the faces, anyone would be hilarious to see the expression on the other drivers face.
Melissa Miller says:
Ugh. I have road rage. SORRY! But I am going to try to think of every guy on the road as Mr. Happy, or Moron, and hopefully that’ll help. Hope it didn’t ruin your day too much
Jane says:
Hilarious! Good for you, Mike–that guy is acting like a bully, trying to intimidate you. Turn it right around on him. I gotta say, the spiteful girl in me (hello holiday spirit!) likes “The Look Out!!” guy the best.
Thanks for a desperately needed laugh out loud few minutes. Now back to work.
Jennifer says:
Mr. Happy or Look Out!!! Mr. Happy or Look Out!!!
You’d totally make my day!
Kelley Chambless says:
This is hilarious!! I need you to go with the moron one because if it were me and I had an anger mangament road rage and someone made that face it would infurate me! LOL…people are ridiculous and road rage is something I think everyone is guilty of, but some just make it annoying! Drive safe:)
MissyK says:
Ok…it HAS to be Mr. Look Out Guy. I cracked up when I got to that picture & my co-workers now think they have the proof they needed to declare me nuts. LOL!!
Erin says:
I’ve never even thought of Look Out Guy! That is hilarious! I’m going to try to remember that one. I also find that nose picker guy entertains me. Goes along nicely with The Moron.
Angie says:
I have been reading your blog for years and this is the first time I have commented. This entry is honestly one of the funniest pieces of writing I have seen in a long time…your facial expressions are priceless. No wonder Annie is such a funny girl…she has great inspiration! It’s truly a gift to be able to take a situation that would be seen by most people as a frustrating and/or mundane piece of the daily grind, and then interpret and communicate it in a way that makes others smile (or, in my case, ugly-laugh). Lots of love to all of you!
Al says:
for Christmas this year, I got my brother these flash cards that you can hold up to your window to relay messages to other drivers. so fun.
Jessica Makuh says:
That sounds like fun! I have parking cards to put on a vehicle when they have parked completely wrong. I have never used one, though. I waiting for the worst parking job ever!
Summer says:
Had to laugh out loud at this post!! -I also just look straight forward in any situation that I’m faced with. I hate it when cars ride up right behind our vehicle… makes me go slower because that is just rude!
Lesley says:
Oh my goodness, those photos are priceless! Please have Mike pantomime any and all suggestions/ideas you have in the future!
Lamb says:
HA! Sorry, Mike, but I’m totally the driver who will bitterly stare you down. I just always assume that the driver weaving into my lane is either drunk or texting.
BTW, the last guy who swerved into my lane was texting with one hand and trying to hold a slice of pizza with the other, leaving just one wrist to steer his SUV.
Ummm…yeah.
cindy w says:
I vote for Mr. Happy. Because you’re right, it probably WOULD make the other driver even angrier, and that’s just funny.
But I kinda love the “Look Out!” Guy. I might try that one myself someday.
Nicole says:
So funny!! You NEED to do a character next time! I think Look Out Guy would be hilarious.
Jessica Makuh says:
People overreact too much over stuff. I have a little winter decoration I put out that explains how people should just deal a little-it says “Snow Happens.” HAHAHA! Seinfeld was right! People are the worst! Totally go with Look Out Guy!
Rebecca says:
My vote goes for Mr Happy.
Brandy says:
The only time I give the stink face is when the person that did the drifting is texting or something of that nature. That one deserves the stink face. Otherwise I just try to get out of the person’s way or ignore it. Now, if I am the offender I try to give the guilty face and then the happy face. Definitely throws them off.
Andrea says:
My husband, a normally over the top “nice guy”, can be the biggest a-hole on the road when people make mistakes. It drives me crazy because I am always the one who forgets a turn signal, drives 5 miles BELOW the speed limit, drifts into the wrong lane and does a milllion other things that can make even the most patient drivers go nuts. By the way, I do “the moron” and it works well, people sometimes feel bad for flipping off the moron.
angie says:
I do mr er.. Mrs. Happy too. It makes me feel good to refuse to buy in to their negativity. Mean people suck. Peace out everyone, like I want to get in a wreck!
Cheryl says:
love the pictures!
Amanda says:
Hahahaha! Good times! I am trying every single one of these. I may purposely drift just so I can test these little jewels out.
As a side note, you are looking mighty handsome and trim lately. Keep up the good work!
Marnie* says:
HAHAHA!!!! I was trying really hard not to laugh loudly since I’m at the orthodontist with my kid. I think I failed.
Rachel C says:
I always go with Miss Happy Lady and a big friendly wave. But the Look Out!!! Lady seems like it will be fun to try…
alexandra says:
ha! i always smile and shrug.
Jenn says:
You just made me look like a total idiot!! Here I am enjoying a nice quiet breakfast in a restaurant when I start reading this and burst out loud laughing at “The Lookout!!! Guy”!! I love it!! I am totally going to do this the next time someone does this to me!! Hilarious!!
Darcie says:
OMG – “Mr. Happy” just made me pee myself!
I needed this post this morning!
Miriam says:
One time my dad accidentally did that to an old lady and she got so mad so she sped up and threw him the finger. Instead of pissing my dad off she made him sincerely laugh. The old lady was so tiny and adorable looking, and her middle finger was all wrinkly, it looked funny (in a adorable non offensive way) she ended up making my dad’s day. My dad felt bad so he had to hold in his laughter until she went away!
Wendy says:
Gotta love it! I hate when people are like that. My 22month old loves your, “THE HARE KRISHNA” look. She started laughing like crazy when she saw the picture!
hwb says:
I always make kissy faces at them. Usually though I find that the person that gets the MADDEST is the wrongdoer! Lane drifting happens and I admit I get really annoyed at it though, because around here the lane drifting happens with cars coming the opposite way on twisty country roads, if you can’t control your car at the speed you’re going, then slow down!
Tracy says:
I blow the turdholes a kiss. Freaks them out a little bit.
LaurieSL says:
This is hilarious! I love the last one- gotta try that one next time and scare the beejeezus out of said starer
Ina says:
You gotta go with moron guy,seriously! Laughing out loud at the idea of following and continuing to make apologetic gestures-thats hilarious!!
Melli says:
My husband’s that guy. I do not condone it one bit. I like the hi buddy guy
Glenda says:
Yup…that’s Cali for us… serious roadragers lol.
love all of Mike’s faces…
you guys are so funny…and so cute together!!
Kirstin says:
Oh, Im gonna have to add the “Look out! Guy” to my arsenal.
My road rage faces currently in use are:
– Blowing Kisses
– Mrs Happy (includes wild, excited waving)
– Thumb-on-nose-4-finger-waggle
– Pig nose
– SchoolYard Tongue Sticking Out
….. and ONLY in those extreme situations…..
– Fake Finger Gun to Temple, Pow!
Gotta keep em clean with 3 kids in the car!
Kelly says:
I hate when people do mean things when they are driving. It makes me scared that they are going to do something that they really aren’t supposed to do.
Erin says:
I’m totally trying the Look Out!!! Face next time that happens. Too funny!
Sheryl Macnie says:
All I can say is that it is even worse if you are a woman driver, especially in a chauvinistic country like Argentina!
Claire says:
I do Mr Happy all the time and wave like a crazy person. It makes me feel better and they are really confused.
Karen says:
Hee hee I like the Mr. Happy best! I nearly killed a woman on Thanksgiving as she was zooming diagonally across a rest stop parking lot and came out of my blind spot to line her driver side door up with my bumper. Today my husband came home to say he saw a van on the highway come so close to killing a construction crew member, the poor guy had to leap over the barrier- and then the van driver hopped out and accused the guy he nearly killed of assaulting him! ‘Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus…” Argh!
Jennifer Dawn says:
This is HILARIOUS!!!! “He’s really happy you made eye contact with him because he really loves making new friends” – BAHAHAHAHA, priceless!!
Joy says:
OMG those are great, although my favorite it “look out!! guy” It took me minutes just to get thru the description because I was trying to laugh hysterically while being quiet so I wouldn’t wake everyone in the house! that one is the best and you must try it
Merrilee says:
Look out guy and moron are my favorites!!
Suzanne says:
I may need to steal a few of your characters! Genius!! I commute 50 miles (one way) to DC every morning and there is no lack of a-hole drivers. The other morning I had a tailgater (while going 70+mph) who proceeded to pass me and then give his windshield a nice long wash. Ugh! It would have been great to slam into the back of him and continue to drive past doing “The Moron.”
BMom says:
That was hilarious….I know exactly what you are talking about. Definitely do “Look Out Guy” and if you could, conveniently have Heather along to tape it and share it with all of us.
Christina says:
I am always trying to figure out how to display a “Relax… no harm, no foul… almost doesn’t count…” expression but I find myself coming up short. I REALLY like the “Look Out Guy” though. I think I’ll have to use that one for some really special a-hole.
Chris says:
My husband is guilty of the “stink eye” – I call it “the look” as in, “ooohh, somebody is about to get the LOOK!” Drives me crazy.
I always suggest blowing a kiss to whoever gives him the stink eye. That could make for interesting reactions.
MNM says:
Yep, my new favourtie post! Just be careful this doesn’t end badly for you. I love this posting and would probably be tempted to continue driving beside you because you are way too funny!
I think if you are too add one more. I would suggest the baby crying face. I once wished I had have given it when a man flipped me the double bird because he felt I was cutting it too close pulling out into a lane when he was coming. I however, did think it was an issue- I know my driving. But I wished I had of thought to give him the crying baby face as I am sure it would have just pissed him off and would have been making fun of him.
Jess says:
OMg hilarious! I usually smile or blow a kiss and bat my eyes. I’m so doing the OMG! LOOKOUT! Next time though.
Kate says:
Hilarious! The Look Out! one is the best. I should try that next time!!