Yesterday I was driving on the freeway when I may… MAY… have drifted into the lane next to mine ever so slightly. Suddenly, a horn blasted and I quickly turned the wheel to stay in my lane. No harm, no foul, right?

Well, not exactly. Mr. Horn Blaster revved his engine, and I immediately knew exactly what was going to happen because it is what almost always happens in these situations – he was going to accelerate past me, then slow down and make a show of glaring at me before speeding off.

Here’s the thing… I don’t like it when someone accidentally drifts into my lane any more than the next guy, but it happens to even the best driver every once in a while. You know what I do when someone does this ahead of me? I hit my horn if need be, then continue to drive along as if I don’t have major, major anger management issues.

But that isn’t what Mr. Horn Blaster did.Ā  He zoomed past me as predicted, then, along with his passenger (Mrs. Horn Blaster, I presumed) gave me the stink face for a good five count. I stared at the road, pretending not to notice, until the awkward moment finally ended.

Once Mr. Horn Blaster accelerated away I got upset. Why do people think they have the right to act like belligerent a-holes just because someone made a mistake? Do they think it is up to them to make other people pay penance for their “sin?”

I got more and more upset until I had a glorious epiphany. Instead of just staring at the road awkwardly when this happens in the future, I am going to take control of the situation. That’s right. Next time a driver stares me down they will be greeted by one of the following characters:

MR. HAPPY

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“Hi, Buddy!”

Mr. Happy has no idea that he drifted into your lane or that your honked horn was meant for him.Ā  He is REALLY HAPPY that you made eye contact with him though because he just loves making new friends. His apparent inability to register your expression as hostile will infuriate you to no end.

THE HARE KRISHNA

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“Peace and love. Om…”

The Hare Krishna knows that he drifted into your lane, but refuses to allow any negative energy to interrupt his peace of mind, especially over such an insignificant experience. He is amused by your anger, and will continue to flash you the peace sign as long as you give him the evil eye.

THE MORON

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“Doh! I love lamp.”

The Moron is SOOOOO sorry that he drifted into your lane and feels SOOOOO bad about it. No matter how angry a glare you send his way, you could never make him feel worse about what happened than he already does. He feels so bad, in fact, that he will drive alongside you for miles, continuously looking over and making apologetic expressions until you are forced to get off at the next exit.

THE LOOK OUT!!! GUY

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“AARRGGHHH!!!”

The Look Out!!! Guy thinks that people who just avoided an accident shouldn’t push their luck by turning around and glaring at someone while traveling at 70+ miles per hour, so he will scream and point ahead once you look back at him. This will cause you to wrench your neck while swinging it forward, your heart beating a thousand times a second. When you look back to the Look Out!!! Guy he will be looking ahead as if nothing happened whatsoever.

Aww, who am I kidding. Next time this happens I’m just going to stare awkwardly at the road until my dressing down is over like I always do, then spend the rest of the afternoon stewing over it. Good times!