Hopefully you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day yesterday, but if you didn’t and are feeling a little down about it, have I got a story for you. I must give you fair warning though – it is not one for the faint of heart. Only those able to handle the thrills and chills of the most nightmarish February 14th should read on!
This creepy tale begins in the early Nineties when Nirvana and Brandon Walsh were all the rage, and I was an awkward, brace-faced freshman in high school. I was not loving life back then, especially since there were two bullies in my class who acted like it was their job to make my life miserable. We’ll call these chumps Biff and 3-D (since those were the names of the baddies in my beloved “Back To The Future.”) Unfortunately, I’m afraid I was more George than Marty when it came to standing up for myself back then.
Me about a year before this dark and twisted tale
There was one reason I did like going to school, however, and her name was Allison. Allison was a blond fourteen-year-old straight out of a Nickelodeon show, and I was smitten. Each day I tried to find a way to talk to her, and if we so much as made a few moments of small talk I was walking on water. Most days though I was too nervous to say anything, and went home glum and probably a whole lot of fun for my parents to be around.
But then Valentine’s Day approached and the school announced that, as a fundraiser, you could purchase a rose, box of candy, or teddy bear that a student council member would distribute to your student of choice with a confidential message on the Big Day. “Let that special someone know you love them with a valentine!” the flyer read, and I decided I would do just that. I would tell Allison how I felt via one of these valentines, and find out once and for all if she felt the same way about me!
Of course, being an awkward freshman boy, I wimped out and did no such thing. So there I sat in class on Valentine’s Day, hating myself, when a student council member entered and… to my shock… handed me the deluxe rose/candy/teddy bear valentine package! I stared at it a moment before opening the card. I nearly fell off my chair as I read the message:
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Mike. How come you’ve never asked me out? Love, Allison. xoxo”
Biff and 3-D’s mocking voices suddenly rang out and disrupted my happy moment.
“Someone bought Mike a valentine? Are you kidding me? What kind of dumbass would do that?”
I glared at them, insulted, and snarled, “Allison sent it. That’s who.” That shut them up pretty quick. The gorgeous Allison had sent ME a valentine!
The next two periods were interminable as I tried to figure out how I would tell Allison I got her valentine and that – OMG – I, like, totally liked her too! It occurred to me the ideal way to do it would be by riding up on a white horse with flowing locks a la Brad Pitt in “Legends of the Fall,” but that required prep time I didn’t have. Instead, I decided to simply walk up to her at lunch and ask her out.
At noon I hurried out of class and looked around until I found Allison eating with her friends at a table in the center of the cafeteria. By this time word had gotten out about my valentine, and as I nervously walked toward her, all eyes were on me. I reached Allison’s table and raised the teddy bear as she looked up at me mid bite of tater-tot.
“Thanks so much for the valentine, Allison. And YES I would LOVE to ask you out!”
Allison stared at me a second before spitting out, “Uh, what?”
“Maybe this Friday? There’s a new movie out that –”
“I didn’t send you a valentine!” Allison screeched like I had accused her of a heinous crime. “Why would I send YOU a valentine?”
I stood there with the wind knocked out of me until I noticed Biff and 3-D pointing and laughing.
“Best fifteen bucks we ever spent! Ha! You should see the look on your face, Mike!”
The two a-holes slapped five over their prank as I dropped the teddy bear and ran off. The whole thing was like a scene from “Glee” except afterward no one sang me a song or tried to comfort me.
So there you have it, folks! If you had a crap Valentine’s Day, take heart in knowing that at least you didn’t have one as crap as fourteen year old Mike! And don’t forget that every crap Valentine’s Day is eventually eclipsed by a great one… like when Heather and I got engaged, or yesterday, when I was lucky enough to spend the day with my two best girls.
Just take comfort in the fact that Biff and 3-D are most likely on parole now, and Allison is still hitting the bar/party scene way too hard in her thirties. (;
@ Kayla, Bahahah! So true!
Haha Layla, one can only hope.
I could swear I typed Kayla not Layla, apologies.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Aww. Loved this.
These are the times I’d like to open a can o’whoop ass on punks like that…I’ll bet they’re ugly AND fat by now!!
How could you possibly think Allison would’ve sent it to you? You were rocking a footballasaurus t-shirt back in those days.
Oh dear, Mike!! Those mean bullies!! I remember one Valentine’s day (way back in the 90s too) when I when I got a bunch of balloons (while in class, OMG!!) from my ‘secret admirer’….and only later found out they were from my very sweet dad. *sigh*
OMG – that is the sweetest thing ever. =)
What a sweet dad!
Those two get the Biggest DB Ever Award.
OMG!!! What a nightmare. Cute pic of heather and annie!
Barbi Emel says:
I’d like to see where those two boys are today, probably in jail. Kids are so mean, I think they’re meaner now. My daughter starts middle school next year, scares me, I’m trying to teach her to be respectful and nice, but sometimes I feel like saying trust no one and carry a big stick, sad.
That would be a great book idea, take all the rotten, mean and nice Valentine’s stories and follow up with where are they now…..When it’s published, I want a signed copy
As a mother of a high school boy and middle school girl, that story breaks my heart. As a parent, you want to protect your kids from anything that will break their hearts and those bullies were horrible. It sure is hard to be the HS boy who has something like that happen to him. It is also hard for the parents who can’t fathom the thought that there are people out there treating their child in such an awful manner.
I felt so bad as well reading this.
Gosh, Mike, that story actually brought tears to my eyes. I’m just hoping that somewhere Biff and 3-D and Allison are reading this. I also hope that the three of them are pathetically miserable in their lives and that Allison wishes now that she would have actually sent you that Valentine when she sees the amazing husband and father you are. You are the lucky one though that she didn’t send it. You have such a beautiful and hilarious wife who is a marvelous mother to your sweet baby girls. I so despise bullies. I’m the least violent person anyone would ever meet, but at this moment I’m wishing someone would tie Biff and 3-D and Allison to a tree, cover them in chocolate syrup, and let the ants have at them for an hour or two! Happy Valentine’s Day to you, Mike, and to Heather and Annie. I so wish I was your neighbor! You guys make my day so much happier!
My heart breaks for your 14 year old self. I have a 13 year old daughter and 15 year old son and nothing has happened like this to them. I hope it stays that way because I’d be hard pressed not to punch the Alison, Biff or 3-D that caused them pain. : (
Wow. This story makes me so sad for 14-year old Mike. I don’t know why it still shocks me that kids can be so cruel to each other.
This is like something straight out of a movie…the good news is that you triumphed in the end by growing up to marry Heather and have your two beautiful daughters!
That’s so mean what they did to you. It’s sad that anyone is willing to sink that low. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! What a bunch of jerks.
kids can be such assholes!
Amy Collen says:
Oh man, that brought out the mother bear in me BIG TIME! I would have taken a baseball bat to those two little punks! God forbid anyone does that to my boys or they are going to face their worse nightmare, plus their children, their children’s children, and their children’s children’s children. My hubby would either have to hold me back or I would have to get behind him in line. I think he would have a steel pipe! LOL!
LOL! I know, I know. Way too violent but it is instinctual! I mean I can totally get why a Mother Bear goes insane when someone or something gets between her and her cubs. The only thing that separates human moms from their animal counterparts is the realization that we could go to jail. If we could get away with it, who knows….
Heh heh heh.
OMG! so mean… obviously Allison and the other 2 jerks were meant for each other…and YOU grew up to have Heather, Maddie, and Annie as your Valentine.
That is the worst story! I’m so sorry that happened to you! Middle school is just mean.
I have to say, though, that I was eating a quick breakfast and reading the post quickly. I thought it was Heather writing. When I got to the picture, I stared and stared at it and thought, “Wow, Heather sure looked different when she was 14.” HA!
Amy Collen says:
One can only hope that Allison reads this blog and feels true regret. I hope she looks at your pictures, reads your blogs and experiences, and thinks to herself, “Dammit, look what I missed out on!”
You know, I thought the same thing when after I read it. It’s entirely possible that Allison is a reader.
Awww! But you are the luckiest guy now!
Amy K says:
That was so amazingly mean. I’m going to try my hardest to teach my little girl to be gentle with other people’s feelings, especially in those awkward hormonal years where every slight feels like the end of the world. If my 14-year-old former self could time travel, I’d go back and take you out for burgers and a movie.
My heart breaks for 14-year-old Mike. Why are some people so mean? As a future teacher, I worry about having to deal with bullies like these!
Ugh. As a mom, that story makes me want to cry. And homeschool my girls. As a former teacher, I’m reminded of a student I had who just seemed to be a bully magnet. I tried to handle the situation discreetly until one day I snapped. I sent the victim on a long “errand” and ripped that whole class full of assholes a new one, telling them that actions like that lead to people being so miserable they take their own lives. That day changed the way that whole group of kids treated each other. And Joe wondered why half the class was red-eyed when he returned to the room.
THANK YOU for doing what so many teacher’s either don’t think to do or arent compassionate enough to. You probably changed the course of that little boys life.
I always worried someone would do that exact thing to me in high school. After reading your story, I suppose it was good that I was unlucky (or perhaps lucky, in retrospect) enough to be sick on Valentine’s day most years. Since my last name is Valentine, I also have to contend with the stupid puns and jokes… always a good time.
My gosh — my heart broke for 14-year-old Mike reading that. What a$$hats those guys were. I also imagine that if they’re not out on parole, they’re working the late/overnight shift at some greasy fast-food hellhole. And Alison, well, I like to think she married one of those jerks, divorced him, remarried, divorced, got a restraining order against, remarried — you get the idea.
Amy Stone says:
I just have to say…look who’s laughing now????!!!! HA!
I’d love to know how those two D-Bags stack up now????
I’m sure that Biff and 3-D do not have such beautiful ladies who fill their lives with all the love you have every day in your life. You totally win!
Sonya aka Glam-O-Mommy says:
Aww, Mike, that Allison didn’t know what she was missing out on. I’d have gone out with Freshman Mike-you were adorable, Footballasaurus shirt and all! LOL.
I’m sure somewhere Allison is kicking herself and Biff and 3-D are sad and alone. And you have the best revenge! A great wife, a great family, and a great life!
How hateful! Even after all these years, it makes my heart hurt for you. Bullying, plain and simple. So glad you have Heather and Annie to make up for this awful time in your life. Take that, Biff and 3-D!
As I was reading this I saw the ending coming… Why? Of course because that totally would have happened to me in middle school if they had even known I existed. They didn’t, of course. I blended in with the lockers from 7th grade until college. Being invisible is sometimes preferable to the other options… Our lives ended up for the better for sure, Mike! You have your girls, and I have my boys and two girls.
OMG, Mike, that is nuts and crazy. Kids are so mean!
Oh man! Kids can be such a-holes! Like others have said, take pleasure in knowing that Biff and 3D are probably fat and bald and in jail or something!
UGH! Why are teenagers such assholes?
I think this makes me even more mad b/c I am sure something like this happened to me as a teen (OK, not on Valentine’s Day) and I have probaby blocked it out. Last laugh is one those jerkheads though, I have a good life and got the best Valentine of all!
You should see what those two are up to and see how fat and bald they are.
Bully teenagers suck so bad!!!!
Sorry that happened to you Mike. That is awful.
Did you ever encounter them again?
I haven’t seen them since high school ended which is good! I moved from the San Francisco Bay Area to Los Angeles, so I’ve been a seven hour drive from the old school.
Thank goodness for 7 hours worth of distance. I always wonder if mean bullies like that ever regret their behavior. If after all this time they haven’t seeked you out on FB or something, I would imagine they do not and are probably still the same, which is sad.
Aw, you poor, poor boy! I teach high school freshmen and am still surprised at how mean they can be to each other. The footballasaurus shirt rules, by the way.