Heather and I recently showed Annie the DVD of our wedding and she loved every second of it. Watching it with Annie was pretty hilarious. Still, as much joy as there was watching the wedding DVD with her – and how could there not be joy when watching your wedding with your daughter – there was sadness too. Heather and I hadn’t seen the video in many years, and it was difficult to see how much our world has changed in just a little over six years.
Far and away the most difficult thing about watching the video was seeing loved ones who have since passed away:
There was a clip of my Dad’s long-time friend, Hal, a good hearted man with a memorable laugh telling a joke by the bar;
There were many shots of Heather’s Aunt Kathy, a terrific woman and film aficionado (something I very much appreciated) grooving to “I Want To Hold You Hand;”
And there was Jackie.
If Heather and I, as the bride and groom, were the stars of this production, Jackie would have gotten third billing (at least). She not only looked absolutely beautiful, but was an endless source of energy on the dance floor. Her eyes never seemed to stop flashing as she twirled around, danced in a conga line, and laughed with our friends. She was so full of life that, when watching the DVD, it’s almost impossible to believe she’s not with us anymore. And while it’s wonderful to see Jackie this way (the pre-diagnosis Jackie that she wanted to be remembered as), it can’t be done without feeling crushing sadness at the unfairness of it all.
Nowhere near as hard to see, but hard to see nonetheless, was Heather and me. We looked so incredibly carefree, happy, and optimistic. I realize, of course, that just about all couples are on their wedding day, but that really was how we were in those days. I can’t imagine that, when we said “for better and for worse,” we stopped to give much thought to what the “for worse” bit meant. We would find out soon enough, though. Today we’re so different that it’s hard to watch the DVD and not feel a little sadness over knowing those versions of ourselves are now gone.
Annie, of course, saw none of those things. She just saw the venue beautifully decorated, everyone dressed to the nines, and the happiness we all shared that day. That’s a great way to look at it, and since it was one of the very best days of my life, I mostly see it that way, too. Still, I do wonder what kind of feelings will be brought to the surface when I watch the DVD in ten/twenty/thirty years from now. It’s only been six years and the DVD already has the power to take my breath away.
Iris says:
I’m a bit of a lurker, and never comment but have been following you guys since some time and you never cease to amaze me with your powerful writing. Wonderfully written, confrontational, saddeningly realistic, but wonderful all the same. You and Heather are such an inspiration.
Jenn says:
I think we all get blindsided by life sometimes. I find as I get older although I am beyond grateful for the blessings in my life and life lessons I’ve learned, I also long for a simpler time….a time when I didn’t have to worry about bills, when pain was something I NEVER thought about, when laughter came easily and dreams were endless. But, life does have a way for shattering those innocent, whimsical days when love and friendships were ALL that matter. Family and friends still matter of course and become even MORE precious as you come to the harsh and cruel realization that indeed none of us will live forever. I must say though,
I personally do thank yourself & Heather as so often it is THIS blog that helps me “forget” my pain and your stories, pictures and video of LA and area makes me not only Smile and Laugh but also… DREAM again as I want SOOO much to visit….or live in Southern Cal. Finally, the thing I am MOST grateful for is getting to know your precious little girls and soon to be son. Such JOY they have all brought my family and I – Thank you Mike & Heather…. THANK YOU for sharing your home, stories, babies!!
Lindsey says:
I love your comments, Jenn and agree with all of it except wanting to live in Southern Cal — never been a dream of mine. But otherwise, so on the money about what life can do to us and what great insight into life I have gotten from reading this blog. I love your family so much, Mike and am always amazed at what a thoughtful, feeling man you are and am so happy that Maddie, Annie and Acrobat have such a wonderful father!! Your writing always puts a lump in my throat or a smile on my face so thank you for helping me feel something!! Know your wedding was a glorious day for all involved and glad you have it on tape, even if it is a source of sadness in some respect. Annie just knows her parents were over-the-moon happy that day and that’s what counts!!! Love to you all from Atlanta!
defendUSA says:
Yes, it happens. At the end of the day we must take the spoils with the good.
I don’t have a wedding video…but, when I look at the 8 photos of our wedding day, I still feel the love inside that is in that picture.
A john Denver song comes to mind….
“and talk of poems and prayers and promises and things that we believe in….How sweet it is to love someone
how right it is to care how long it’s been since yesterday
what about tomorrow what about our dreams
And all the memories we share…”
Each year our circle of life gets a little smaller…but memories can fill up a bit of the space left behind…
Suzanne says:
I think watching the video now will be the most painful, because your losses are still very new. 20 years from now, the pain will not be as fresh. I think you will smile to see your friends and family again and recall those good memories.
Jessica says:
I totally agree with what you have written. Our little girl has a serious congenital heart defect and I have the same feelings when I look at our wedding photos or photos of me when I was pregnant with her, before we knew what was to come, before I knew what a pulse ox was or had heard of the Blalock-Taussig Shunt or paid any attention to children’s hospital ratings. It’s sad to look back at how carefree we were, not knowing the pain and worry we would someday endure. I’ve thought about it a lot and I think hardships are just what life brings and they give you wisdom, endurance, strength… It reminds me of the movie “Parenthood” and what Steve Martin learns about accepting and enjoying the roller coaster, the ups and downs of life. For me, constantly reminding myself that God did not “promise me a rose garden” also helps. I read a quote recently that made me think of my husband and I. I don’t know who said it, but I will never forget it and it reminds me of how strong our marriage is now. The quote is “We are tied together by stuff too difficult to explain to someone new.”
Steph says:
Wow. I can’t believe you’ve only been married six years. You and your family and friends have been through so much. Wishing you peace and love.
Glenda says:
Beautiful writing Mike!
I think none of us thing of the “better or worse” but that’s what makes your and Heather’s relationship “stronger”. Being each others foundation during difficult times. Always there for each other.
Best to you and Heather…always!
Candice says:
It is amazing how much life can change in just a few short years.
I think you’re right in that couple often don’t give much thought to the “For Worse,” part of vows. That said, it is a clear testament to you and Heather’s love and commitment that after all you’ve been through, you are still creating a wonderful life together.
Auntie_M says:
Oh Mike…..
Mary says:
I love this. Reminds me of looking at my wedding picture. I remember our priest praying that our joys be doubled and sorrows be halved. I thought it was a beautiful prayer. I think our joys were doubled (having our children) but sorrows were also doubled (losing a couple close family members). Life is hard and it can either tear a marriage apart or bond people even tighter. I so admire the way that you and Heather look to one another in tough times.