I recently watched a news report about how British police were stepping up their efforts to find out what happened to Madeline McCann, the British toddler who vanished without a trace back in 2007. As part of the authorities’ efforts to find her they released an age progressed photo of what she would look like today, and it got me thinking. Would I ever commission an age progressed photo of my Maddie? Is that something I would benefit from doing? Or would it be a terrible mistake?
Since Maddie passed many people have suggested that Heather and I have an age progressed photo of Maddie made, but I never gave the idea too much thought because it was too depressing. Today, however, I feel a little different. It has been three years since I last saw Maddie, and I can’t help but wonder what she would look like now that she would be just a few months away from turning five. Five. Five is the year she would start kindergarten. Man, what I would give to see my sweet, little kindergartener.
There is a magical element to this age progression stuff. It’s almost like something you’d see in a movie, where you get the chance to see what your life would be like… if only. That Nicolas Cage movie, “Family Man,” pops to mind. If you haven’t seen it Cage’s character gets a chance to see what his life would have been like if, instead of breaking up with his former girlfriend, he’d married her and started a family.
The problem is that, while “Family Man” ends happily with Nicolas Cage discovering he has a chance at a future with his former girlfriend, there can be no happy ending for me. I have no chance at a future with Maddie, and the photo would just be a mirage of a future that will never be. Is it really worth putting myself through that? It’s like scratching a bug bite. It might relieve my agony briefly, but make me feel a lot worse later on.
The other thing I worry about is that seeing an age progression photo of Maddie might muddle my vision of her. Right now I can close my eyes and see her – the real her – exactly as she was. If I look at a photo of this other, older Maddie, would that become the image I see when I close my eyes? Because if it is, even a little bit, I don’t want it.
Still, the allure of seeing what could have been – of seeing my kindergartener – is very powerful. It’s not a decision to take lightly though as it’s the type of thing you can’t un-see once you’ve seen it. Really, what I want is a happy ending like the one seen in “Family Man,” but unfortunately that’s the kind of thing that only happens in the movies.
karen says:
The images of Madelaine McCann are to serve a purpose, to remind people that shes grown and will have changed. They may also not look like her at all. For the McCanns as well its difficult as they dont know whether their child is alive or dead, they have no way to build a future. Its a very sore subject over here with many people, the way she disappeared, the inquiries in Portugal, the inquiries in the UK, the press treatment of the McCanns. So many unanswered questions. I fear, like Ben Needham, she will never be found.
My opinion is dont get a picture of Maddie like this. You should remember what was real and carry the reality of the life you had and what happened and what has happened since. If you age progress an image of Maddie it will be a fantasy, bitter sweet but a fantasy. It could never be undone, you would be drawn to it repeatedly. Its ok to think of what might have beens. But you have a different life now, a life shaped by the passing of Maddie, and life driven by the hope that Friends of Maddie brings, a life filled with your friends, your work, your beautiful wife and your adorable daughter. I’m not saying forget, I’m not saying dont do anything different to what you do now, just saying as easy as it could be dont step into a land of fantasy.
Auntie_M says:
Oh! I couldn’t have said it better myself! I don’t think you should have it done: better to remember the real and vibrant Maddie than an imagined one!
meoskop says:
Don’t do it.
It wouldn’t be Maddie, it wouldn’t have her charm or her personality. Even the best age progression artist is working with their hunch and probability. It would no more be your Maddie than a taxidermist can truly capture the family pet. Instead it’s a painful reminder of an already painful loss.
Maddie was beautiful, she captured people who never met her. That can’t be seen in a ‘possible future’ sketch.
Shelley Viestenz says:
This is so perfectly worded, and I agree with every word.
Auntie_M says:
Me too!!!!
Jen says:
As someone who works in the missing children’s field, I would advise you not to do it. Even for parents who need to have the age progression done to help find a long term missing child, it is a very long and emotional process. There is a lot of back and forth…the artist doesn’t get it right on the first try and it’s not an exact science. The parents have a lot of input and spend a lot of time on it. It’s very difficult for them, having an image of their child in their minds at the age they disappeared for so long, and then suddenly seeing them as a teenager or adult.
While I can only imagine the need you feel to see what Maddie would look like as each year passes, I really wouldn’t go ahead with this idea.
mel says:
My opinion is to remember her as she was. I think age progression would only hurt. It’s a great thing to have in assisting the authorities in the Madeline McCann situation, but nothing can be 100% accurate and you love Maddie for who she was. Ultimately, you know what the best decision is for you. I just think she was perfect and couldn’t imagine her looking like anything but the lovely little lady that she was.
oana79 says:
Gosh, it’s a hard one…I don’t know if children get to grow up in heaven. They might and then when you meet up you might meet the grown up version of Maddie and you may want to be prepared. That would be my only incentive to get the progression done. But it’s your heart that has to decide which one would hurt less.
Auntie_M says:
But the heavenly Maddie could never look anything like an earthly attempt at an age progression rendition…and I doubt they would “need to be prepared” if they were to meet in heaven.
This is why I love the 7th book of the Chronicles of Narnia so much because it’s a bit how I picture heaven: ready recognition of loved ones!
Pattie says:
I second what everyone here says. That image would not capture who Maddie was and what she means to you. Remember the real Maddie and don’t torture yourself with what someone’s rendering says she might have been.
Tammy M. says:
I have wondered many times if an age progression was something you and Heather might want to do. I understand wanting to and not wanting to. I’d be absolutely torn. In typical Spohr-fashion, you will make the right decision for you and your family.
I hope Maddie comes to you and Heather in your dreams and gives you a big hug and a kiss. (And burps in your face like she did in that adorable video.)
Sonya aka Glam-O-Mommy says:
It’s incredibly cruel that you and Heather and Annie have been robbed of seeing kindergarten Maddie and all the other Maddies that should have been, but I agree with everyone else and don’t think you should do this Mike.
Seeing how much Sophie has changed in the last three years, in ways I could not have ever predicted, I just can’t imagine an age progression would really be very accurate. It’s a guess, a really good guess, but a guess just the same.
I cannot imagine how devastating your loss is and how hard it must be to deal with it every minute of every day, but I think you should hold tight to your true vision of Maddie as she was, in her pictures and her videos, and most importantly, your memories. She was so beautiful and special, and no age-progressed artificial image could ever replicate that. *hugs*
amy says:
I would be torn, I can’t begin to even imagine the loss of my child or how badly I would want to know how they would look year after year! I know you and Heather will make the right choice for you.
Rebecca says:
I wonder if it would be therapeutic to visit the school where she would have gone to kindergarten and volunteer in a classroom helping the kids who still don’t know their alphabet/numbers/etc. You could call it Maddie’s Helping Hands or something?
Auntie_M says:
That’s a lovely idea.
Linn says:
That is hard and I totally understand wanting to do it, but I have to think it would not be comforting. One thing is for sure, she was beautiful and she would have stayed beautiful and somewhere in a better universe she is beautiful still.
Kelly Driscoll says:
I know how it feels to desire just one more bit or one more piece of them to devour. But the memories you have of Maddie are real and a true. She forever remains your little girl at the age she left us at. Thank god you have so many beautiful pictures and articles to enjoy. Though I know our hearts constantly yearn for even just the tiniest thread to keep us connected.
Shauna says:
There are no rules when it comes to this awful thing called grief, but you and Heather and making the best choices for your family. I don’t think anyone could fault you either way.
Auntie_M says:
As my comments under other’s comments have already indicated, I think that while it may be tempting, an artist’s rendition is just that: a rendition by someone that never knew her…who never knew her laugh, her sparkle, her joy, the tilt of her head, the light in her eyes. No matter how incredible the artist (for instance, my sister in law is an incredible artist particularly with portraits) without knowing Maddie, that would be missing. And those age progression programs don’t even try to capture any of that. My sister-in-law always says she prefers to get to know her subject prior to painting (even if it is through video and pictures and stories) but it’s still not the same as the real Maddie. [on a side note, my guess would be that she would say that as an artist, she would prefer to paint Maddie as she was: because then she could capture Maddies spirit–do you see the difference I’m getting at here?]
And as many others have said children change so much and so quickly, age progression is really a bit of a guess.
I would say, hold tight to your real memories of that beautiful, lovely girl who is your daughter rather than an imagined picture from someone else’s mind.
But, as others have also said: you and Heather always are guided into doing what is best for you and your family. No one else can make this decision but you.
Much love to the whole Spohr family.
rebekah says:
I’ve seen a few age-progression photos in the news where the “real” person didn’t look anything like the “drawing.” It is a crude approximation a lot of the time. =(
Lanie says:
I so wish that the real life ending was different (for both of us). Take care.
Sarah says:
I’m going to sound like a total nerd here, but I am a nerd so that’s okay.
This has the potential to end up like the Mirror of Erised in J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter series.
It may seem wonderful at first, to have a glimpse of the kindergartner Maddie should be, but it’s quite possible that you’ll just end up wanting more and more of what you tragically just can’t have. I wish you could. But I just worry that if you got this photo done, you’d end up wasting away in front of it.
Much love to you all.
Liz says:
How heart-wrenching to even have to make such a choice. I have been reading this blog for a long time, and I remember thinking that I hoped Heather kept blogging for a long time because Maddie was so lovely, with her amazing eyes, and I so wanted to see how she would look as she grew up. I wish with all my heart that could happen. I continue to read every post you both write and I continue to mourn your loss with you, even as I love watching beautiful Annie grow.
Ana-Maria says:
What happened to Madeleine McCann and what happened with your little Madeline are very different circumstances! Obviously choosing to or not to produce an aged-progression photograph of Madeline is a HUGE decision but one you should really make on your own and not based on what others think or feel. Only you will know what is right for you and your family and if you are not sure… just listen to yourself!
TamaraL says:
Whatever choice you make, no artists image will ever do justice to the Maddie in your eyes and heart. She was truly a one-of-a-kind little person.