Over the last twenty-two months people have, from time to time, called me brave. While it is a nice thing to be described as, I must admit it always strikes me as a bit strange because I don’t feel brave. In fact, ever since I lost Maddie I have far too often felt the opposite – weak, scared, and lost.
So how could anyone possibly see me as brave?
Brave people do things. They don’t have things done to them, but that is precisely why I have been called brave – because something happened to me. I’ve never ran into a burning building, tried to defuse a bomb, or, like the subject of the film “127 Hours,” had to do something that seems impossible to imagine. For those of you unfamiliar with the film (which is nominated for Best Picture at this year’s Academy Awards), it tells the true story of Aron Ralston who, while hiking in a remote part of Utah, became trapped under an eight hundred pound rock and had to cut off his own arm with a dull knife in order to escape death.
I recently saw “127 Hours” and it got me turning over in my head the idea of bravery. If people describe what Ralston did as brave, how could I possibly be described the same way? Frankly, it made me embarrassed to even think about.
But eventually I started to see things a little differently. I may have been called brave because of something that happened to me, but I would do anything to undo it.
Run into a burning building? Sure.
Try to defuse a bomb? No problem.
Even cut off my own arm? Gladly if it would bring my little girl back to me.
Ralston is a father now himself, and if he is anything like the parents I know, I’m sure the thought of watching his son die before his eyes is far more horrifying than the thought of re-living his personal nightmare under that rock in Utah.
So maybe I’ve never done anything that would earn me the right to be (traditionally) described as brave, but I have gotten up every day since I lost Maddie, I’ve continued to support my wife, and I’ve tried to salvage whatever is left. And if doing all that makes me brave, then, well, I guess I am.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
That is exactly my definition of brave, Mike. You not only do all that, you do it with grace and love.
Hugs to you.
Debra @ A Frugal Friend says:
I think that makes you both so very brave….because you get up everyday and face the future without your Maddie.
Hugs to all of you!
Laura Scarborough says:
I don’t think that I would describe you as brave. I would admire what I see as strength…strength in your mourning and in your living a life that honors Maddie and her amazing life and strength in sharing it with us all, those of us who came to fall in love with your exquisite child and her family.
Elle says:
I would love to give you a hug right now. I think both you and Heather have showed tremendous bravery. You’re also honest in what you write, whatever your feelings may be, and I think that’s such a brave thing to do when sharing that with so many people.
meg...CT says:
For sure!
Jenn says:
It absolutely is brave. You could have folded in on yourself and refused to move forward. Instead, you get up every day, you support your wife, you love your daughter, and you tell the world about your story so people know they aren’t alone. Very brave.
J from Ireland says:
Oh yes, you are very brave for getting up every day after the loss you had. The very best to you and your beautiful funny entertaining family.
Sunday says:
I also think you are brave for being open and writing about how you feel and how Maddie’s death affects you. You know there are people (trolls) out there who will attack and twist your words, just for the heck of it. But you still put yourself out there.
ann says:
Sometimes bravery is in just opening your eyes, taking a breath, and facing the day.
Lisa says:
Exactly.
JoAnn says:
I think what I find to be brave is the fact that you and Heather come here and lay bear your emotions and feelings. This is something that many are afraid to do for fear of rejection or seeming silly or weak. But you come here, and you open yourself to (almost all or many) complete strangers.
This may be cathartic to you, but it’s also helpful to many who identify with your experience. And to me, the ability to look past oneself and open your heart and soul- that is indeed an example of bravery.
karen says:
You and Heather are brave in everyway.
You are brave because you cared and looked after and treated as normally as possible a little girl who was not very well.
You are brave becasue you looked around you and said there must be more we can do and wrote your blogs and raised money and marched for dimes.
You are brave because you did get up again, and saw friends and family, and went to work and the shops and faced people.
You are brave becasue you faced having another child together, and all that entailed, and still did it.
You are brave because you dont ever stop telling your story to help and inspire other people.
You are brave because we, the people who follow you and your blogs, believe that what you have done and continue to do is brave. We measure ourselves against you and say “that takes a lot and it is hard and they still do it, they are BRAVE”.
Glenda says:
Totally agree with Karen. Both you and Heather are BRAVE!
Debbie says:
That’s exactly why I think you’re brave. Bravery isn’t just about doing stuff that’s brave, it’s about taking a situation that happens TO you and reacting with bravery.
Even though the loss of Maddie caught you off guard, even though it brought you to your knees, even though it’s the most devastating thing a person could ever experience, you have survived and continue to survive the rest of your life with bravery, just like you say. That’s brave.
Lisa says:
That is exactly why you are brave. You are surviving under the most horrible of circumstances, you are there for your wife in every way she needs as she struggles, you aren’t afraid to say you need help when the grief becomes too much for you, you are an amazing father to your girls. You, my friend, are most definitely brave.
Skye says:
I think there are different kinds of bravery. You and Heather are definitely both brave to keep facing life without Maddie and make the best of it and create a happy life for Annie- and especially to write so honestly and share your life with thousands of people you don’t know.
Lora says:
Absolutely. It takes a lot of courage, every day.
Jamie says:
Getting up every morning after losing Maddie IS what makes you brave, Mike. And, you’re managing to love despite the pain.
mp says:
I agree, there are so many types of courage. I do think it’s brave to keeping going despite what comes at you in life. For some anxiety-prone people, it takes every ounce of willpower just to walk into a room full of people. Survivors of abuse have their daily cross to bear. Whenever you think you’ve got it bad, you hear about someone who’s had it worse. And most of the time, they keep going. That’s awe-inspiring.
You are definitely a very brave person, and when your daughter grows up and is able to imagine what you went through, you’ll be her hero always.
Neeroc says:
This post just makes me want to hug you. You are both brave, and not for what was done to you, but for the decisions you have made every day since then.
Terri says:
It does make you brave Mike and your girls are all incredibly lucky to have you.
LD says:
Sometimes facing the future is the most terrifying thing we can do. I’m not sure that I’d be able to if I lost one of my kids, but you and Heather show us every day that bravery isn’t necessarily about staring down the barrel of a gun. Sometime it’s just about living through a pain that hurts worse than a bullet ever could.
Al says:
I think you and Heather are both amazingly brave.
LisaJ says:
I’d say you are exceptionally brave. You lost so much and yet you opened your heart to do it again…and you do it with grace humor, and love. And you share Annie with us.
Yep…brave.
Big hugs.
Elizabeth says:
You ARE brave! Your last line sums it up, because you do get up every day you do support your wife and you do keep the memory of Maddie alive. You are an amazing person for all of that!
Kristin (MamaKK922) says:
It takes a lot of bravery to wake up every day when you don’t want to face the day. You and Heather and two very very brave people.
Heidi T says:
You say that you are not brave because you didn’t “ha(ve) to do something that seems impossible to imagine”
You have though! You have SURVIVED the thing that everyone with children thinks is impossible to imagine.
You guys are the bravest people I know.
Sherry says:
From Wikipedia:
Brave: Bravery or courage, the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.
You, Mike, are brave.
Minnyc says:
I think you’re very brave to go on like you have. I really admire you & Heather. Annabel’s a lucky (and adorable) girl!
cindy w says:
Damn right you are.
Eileen says:
Most people doing something brave have no idea that they are actually being brave, because they are too busy trying not to crap their own pants. Brave does not mean you don’t feel sad, scared, paralyzed, etc. It just means you keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward anyway.
Joie says:
The reason I consider you both brave is that you talk…you speak up and you speak out…you have not made Maddie’s passing in vain. I know more now about March of Dimes than I ever did. Before, I honestly didn’t care because I didn’t know anything about it. I absolutely care now. And I have shared your blog and your story with others.
That is why you are brave. You didn’t climb into a dark hole and hide. You are both amazing. Period.
Alexis says:
After knowing, with horrible certainty, the pain all parents dread and hope to never have to feel, you had another baby.
And acts of bravery start with something happening to a person, start with a person having to face something they don’t want to, or are afraid to (otherwise, they’re just daredevils). The bravery part comes in with what they do after. The rock fell on Ralston’s arm. He cut his arm off to be able to go on. You had your heart crushed when Maddie died. You could’ve cut your heart out, and lived without love, without hope, without any other chance of happiness. Instead, you embraced your wife, you honored your daughter, and you let a new little person help mend you. You’re brave, and you’re an inspiration.
Heather L. says:
Yes, yes you are brave. Very brave.
Meg says:
As many others have mentioned, I think it’s exceptionally brave that you and Heather continue to share so much with us here — joy; grief; uncertainty — and include us in your lives. It would be easier, I’m sure, to shut everyone and everything out . . . but you haven’t. You continue to live and love and thrive. You’re incredibly brave.
karen says:
such a beautifully written piece..thank you for always sharing…
PattyB says:
Not only are you brave because you continued to get up every day, support your wife and live your life as best you could – you were brave enough to have another child shortly after Maddie’s passing. That is what people told me when I revealed I was pregnant at my oldest daughter’s funeral (she passed from SIDS at 6 months old). Looking back, 21 years later, I wholeheartedly believe not only was I brave, but extremely fortunate. While I didn’t get to have my little Brittni in my life for very long, I did get to have her. I will always be grateful for the time I did get to spend with her, even though it wasn’t nearly long enough. Also, while I may not have waited long enough to have another baby, I will never regret the timing. I could have really seen myself sliding into a deep depression had I not had another little bundle of joy arrive who needed me as well. That child literally saved my life. Keep being brave, Mike. Always praying for you, Heather, Maddie and Annie, Patty B.
Jenn says:
But don’t you see my friend? You are so brave. As hurtful, horrifying and sickening it was, you and Heather CHOSE NOT to leave Maddie while they desperately worked on her. Afterwards, you CHOSE to bath her, comfort her and wrap her one last time, others might just has left. You both CHOSE to walk out of that hospital and start life without the light of your life and not only that, you decided to risk it all again just to meet Annie. You allowed your heart to love again even though it is still shattered into a millon pieces.
The bravest of all, you chose to share that awful day with us, just a glimpse of what it must have been for a mama and dada to loose the most important thing in their life. There was absolutely NO question in my mind how much you not only loved, adored, admired and liked your baby gir!l Your words are so honest and real as you talk about her passing, it makes even the strongest total stranger drop to their knews in complete utter sorrow. Not only do I think your brave Mike…but I think you and Heather are 2 of the strongest people I know and respect .Somethings I read make me speechless!!
I am proud to call you my friend. My heart melts when I”M having an AWEFUL day and the next thing I know, you guys are asking ME what YOU can do to make things better for ME. Little did you understand at the time….by simply caring even to ask me or mail me or tweet me, well, you already have helped me. You made me realize I wasn’t alone and confirmed I was likeable and worth something even though I was feeling so worthless at times. YOU my friend brought light into my very dark life at times and Mike and Heather….if that isn’t brave, I don’t know what is!
I adore you both, am proud to call you my friend and it is on my “bucket” list to meet you all one day. It would truly be an Amazing dream come true. So my brave ones don’t be embarassed, it is what is it and you both are NOT only brave but you both ll happen to be 2 of my life heros. I couldn’t ask for anything more!!! Thank you!
k says:
Mike, you and Heather are incredibly brave. I have always felt that you are courageous and generous to continue this site after losing Madeline. Your honesty about the experience of grieving has been important to so many.
Every loss is so deeply personal that it becomes isolating and can force those who grieve into an existence apart. I am sure you both at times feel like aliens in a world that does not know your grief. By writing and sharing this time in your life, you offer so many others connection.
Not only have you gotten up every day and continued to support your family since losing Maddie, but you and your wife created a beautiful universe in your hearts for that once tiny and far away and now blazing light of hope that is Annabel. You are a brave man and a wonderful father to your girls.
amourningmom says:
You are definitely brave in my book. Take care.
Staci says:
Yep. You’re brave.
Sally says:
I too have lost a daughter and I recently saw this film and funnily enough had many of the same thoughts. The film has stuck with me for days because I know that just like you, I’d gladly cut off my arm to have her back. I too am sure that Aron would cut his other arm off if it meant saving the life of his baby son.
Great post. You certainly are brave and if that’s the case, then I guess I am too.
Rebecca says:
People call me strong and brave and all kinds of other similar adjectives because of all that has gone on with my son. (Nothing NEAR as terrible as losing a child) I don’t know how or why people think that about me because inside, I’m falling apart.
Karen says:
I’ve heard it quoted as such in a couple of different movies- It isn’t bravery if you aren’t scared.
Charlane says:
Yes you are.
cj says:
you and your beautiful wife are the picture of bravery in the face of absolute devastation. i’m sorry that you have had to be, but you definitely are.
Mary Ann says:
You are brave. I don’t know how you managed to go on after losing Maddie – I never even knew her and when I read her story or see her pictures I can’t help but cry and wonder why. You and Heather are so inspiring and courageous to so many and have personally changed my life’s outlook for the better. You have survived the unbearable with such grace and dignity. You make me realize every single day that what I am going through on my bad days is nothing and it too shall pass and things will get better.
You are amazing people with the most amazing beautiful daughters – but what else would we expect of the amazing Annabels parents.
Florencia says:
It’s the “getting up every day” part Mike. Maddie’s passing hit me like a ton of bricks and, to this day, I think about you guys and how have somehow managed to stay alive and be great parents to Annabel. I feel that if I were in your shoes I would simply not be able to keep on living. But you do and Heather does and that’s what makes you brave. Thanks for always sharing, I imagine it can’t be easy.
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
You and Heather are so brave. Because you are not lying on the floor in a puddle all the time. Because you are still breathing. Because you had the bravery to have Annie. Because you chose to live after death.
Just keep living, and someday, maybe, heartache won’t be so front and center. Getting there will be hard, but you are brave.
amanda says:
FWIW… I met Ralston’s sister years and years ago at a book club. Then one thing I asked was “Before this happened, would you have ever suspected that your brother was capable of something like that.” Her answer was “no.”
We do what we have to do when we have to do it. His is not anymore brave than you have been for doing what he HAD to do.
The day my friend’s son died I had to call and cancel the birthday cake we had ordered just the day before. Two days before his first birthday. My husband had to call our friends who hadn’t heard and tell them what had happened. His aunt had to take all the crafts and games his mom had planned for his birthday party and adapt them for his memorial service. None of us would have expected we could do any of it. We did what we had to do.
I’ve never said his parents are brave, but I have always said that they are strong. If you live through the worst thing that could ever happen to you, it has to mean you’re strong. I think.