Last week I got the chance to participate in a focus group. For those of you who have never participated in one before, it’s where a company invites regular folk to an office building to answer questions about the company’s product. It’s nice work if you can get it… I was paid $150 bucks and was only there on hour!
I’m not writing this post just to tell you about what it is like to participate in a focus group though. I’m more interested in relating the eye-opening conversation my group had. My group was made up of young dads (ages 20-40), and it quickly became very clear that they were very angry with women… especially their wives.
We were never told what company or product the focus group was for, but the questions were based around who does the cooking and food shopping in our homes. The group was made up of men from all ethnicities – white, black, Latino, Asian – and at first everyone was pretty quiet. That started to change when the moderator asked questions about what it felt like to be a man/husband/father in today’s society. When the discussion touched on the pressures and expectations men are put under, the group members really opened up. Before long I was shocked by how loud, passionate, and clearly angry the other men were.
Now before I get into this I should point out that the conversation was between a group of men with no women around, so they felt comfortable saying the kind of things they wouldn’t dare say with women present. As you will see, they presented a very male-centric, often sexist perspective.
The main quibble – one agreed upon by men from all ethnicities in the group – is that men/fathers/dads are are still expected to be play the traditional role of a man in the home (bread winning, fixing things around the house, protecting the family), while also stepping up in the roles traditionally filled by women (cooking, cleaning, child rearing). Having to play both roles, the men said, is incredibly hard and taxing.
Women, according to these guys, do less than ever before. They expect their husbands to “be a man” and continue to play the traditional male roles of bread winner/protector/etc., but are offended when their husbands expect them to fulfill the traditionally female roles of cooking/cleaning/etc. because it is sexist to expect women to still do them.
“Cook your own damn meal,” one angry group member quoted his wife as saying as she lounged on the couch. “I ain’t your maid.”
Personally, I wasn’t able to add much to the conversation because I don’t share the same feelings as the other men. A big reason for this is because my situation with Heather is very different from theirs. Neither Heather nor I play a very defined traditional gender role in our home. We have both been the bread winner working out of the house while the other stayed at home with the girls. We share the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and child rearing. And when we need to fix something around the house? We both stare into the tool box, equally confused.
But… I was the exception, not the rule. The majority of the other men were clearly very distressed about the shifting gender roles in their home.
What do you think? Have you seen these kind of tensions in society?
Christine says:
I learned this gender dichotomy in my anthropology class. During the time when women started to work more frequently, men and women tended to share more roles like cleaning and cooking, etc. Although, now that is changing and it’s a scary trend. Plus, correct me if I am wrong, but these men are married and they should be respecting their wives, who, in their case, are their better half… They should be learning from you and Heather :]
Tina says:
It might be argued with good validity that in Greece where I am from, the traditional roles still exist and weigh very heavily in our society.
I cannot speak for others but in our situation, if my husband would be mad at me, I would be furious with him because yes, he does work BUT, he never lifts a finger for anything and I do mean literally anything. He never sees the boys because he gets home after they are in bed. He has friends and hobbies and I have been able to go out for a coffee with a girlfriend only 3 times since we got married 10 years ago.
He never cooks, ever! He never helps around the house, he misses school shows, he never takes the boys to their sports or doctor’s appointments. And you know what? I work too, I have a full time job yet somehow, in some magical way, I manage to find the time and energy to fit everything that needs to be done in 24 hrs, whereas he can’t. The only, and I do mean ONLY thing he does is work (an office job).
I would be so happy, if the ONLY things I had to do where raise my boys and keep my home. Why do I have to spend 8 hrs a day working on top of everything else? He acts like a guest in the house. He comes in, eats, watches TV and goes to sleep, whereas I have to get up at 6.30 the next morning and do it all again. He even takes a nap in the afternoon when he comes home between jobs.
He works a 2nd office job x3 a week for 4 hrs and the other days of the week are devoted to this hobbies.
And don’t even say he brings in money because I can barely get $300 a month from him to cover expenses. Heck, it doesn’t even cover his FOOD.
So if women have to work, men have to help around the house. That’s my view. When you make enough money to support your wife and kids 100% so that your wife does not have to work, then fine. If she still does nothing, she is a lazy pig. However if she also works, then you have to help around the house… Just my 2 cents.
Annalien says:
I agree with you, if the women are also working out of the house then the men should help with the chores at home. However, if the women are not employed elsewhere (or have a home-based business), then I believe it is their “work” to care for the home and their family.
Kirsten says:
I think that’s very interesting, and it’s a really good point. Women do tend to feel that men should not expect them to fulfill traditional female roles, but it’s a double-standard because they do expect men to fulfill traditional male roles. Surely that’s sexist too? Yet women don’t seem to think that.
Meg McG says:
Oh you have struck a nerve with me! I would LOVE to know how many of those men are either unemployed, under-employed or have wives that work outside the home. How many of those men are partnered with women who schedule car maintenance, pay bills, do home repairs, run errands all weekend as well as cook, clean and raise kids. These sound like the kind of men who “baby-sit” their kids when the wife isn’t available rather than you know, participate in raising them.
My husband and I are more like you and Heather, if not even more role-reversed. I work full time and often take the first crack at fixing something. I handle a lot of the administrative crap like buying a car, paying bills, planning for our future. My husband stays home and does all the stay at home dad stuff like cleaning, laundry shopping and cooking. However we are not confined to these roles at all. If there’s a dead mouse outside from the cats I’m not touching it. I clean the bathroom and like to cook. We both read bedtime stories and equally share kid chores like diapers and bath times.
Those roles those men are talking about are fading away but not fast enough. I know plenty of men that have never touched a vacuum or a food processor. Who think that clean socks and underwear have a magic portal from the floor back to their dresser. These are the men that aren’t aware that masculinity is a flexible, elastic notion defined by the individual rather than society shows on television. These are men who didn’t keep up (or their families didn’t) with the awareness that women are defining their lives and individuality more and more rather waiting for a man or society to tell them how to live. And unfortunately for them they appeared to have partnered with women who got that message. The days of subservience are ending. Successful partnerships are just that, Partnerships- where two individuals work towards a common goal, sharing their strengths. I feel bad for those men who are being left behind and sorry for their kids who may end up confused at the mixed messages they get from mom and dad. The women? Well women today aren’t perfect at all and handling all this empowerment and individuality presents struggles as well. I think roles are going to continue to change. I can see men wanting to take back some of the parochial power their grandfathers may have had, but I expect in the long run the successful, happy partnerships will be more like mine and yours where respect, sharing and personal development are more important than trying to maintain outdated gender roles.
Whoo. That’s a lot of writing for so early in the morning! My husband hasn’t even made me coffee yet!
Anna says:
My husband and I are much like you and your husband. I work outside the home, he is a stay at home dad. Things just worked out that way. He does work from home, but still sometimes catches grief or gets less respect from other men in our community. I loved this: ” These are the men that aren’t aware that masculinity is a flexible, elastic notion defined by the individual rather than society shows on television. ” .
Jenny says:
I wonder if the group responses will show up on Family Feud or the next sexual dysfunction drug commercial. You could say, “I was there!”.
My husband and I both work outside of the home. Our roles are much more of a team effort. I mow and he weed eats because he says the weed eater is too heavy and I’ll probably hurt myself with it (clumsy, I am). I appreciate his protective sentiment and since I really like the mower I don’t argue. I cook and do a majority of procurement. He does laundry. Frankly, he is better at it.
I clean bathrooms and he vacuums. The list goes on and on but we are true partners. I work in a very male dominated industry. I can tell you that the majority of men I work with are very involved. They are proud partners at home. There are a few old stereotypes. They expect the same at work.
Amy says:
At the risk of inciting female rage… I agree with these men 100%. And I don’t think these men would be complaining about being expected to fil all the roles if they weren’t working.
mp says:
How can you agree if you don’t know whether the wives work full-time or even part-time? It may be some men have real gripes, but it could also be simply a problem of perception. Yes, there’s a huge cultural shift right now. Men are expected to play more of a role in raising the kids and to shoulder more domestic duties. Yet that comes on the heels of most women working outside the home as well.
Of course a focus group of working women would probably find them complaining about the same thing!
Hamlet's Mistress says:
My agreement with these men is an agreement with anyone who works full time outside the home so that the spouse has the ability to stay home so they are raised by a parent at home only to come home and find that all the other responsibilities are theirs as well. Yes, raising kids and taking care of babies are hard word. But so is working outside the home every day. I think if a spouse… EITHER ONE is then expecting the other to take care of ALL the home chores as well is wrong and unfair.
And if that makes me unreasonable? So be it.
MS says:
Why does it sound like these men were all surprised by their realities….obviously their lives are something they had/have a hand in creating, right?
We have semi-traditional gender roles right now, but like you and Heather, they’ve changed and evolved over time and with the needs of our relationship. I think that might be the key to a happy marriage-willingness and flexibility to evolve depending on what the relationship currently needs!
Roberta says:
I felt my blood pressure going up as I read!!! So not like that in our house. In fact I can barely find the kitchen and he gets upset when I wander in while he’s cooking!
Rebecca says:
Oohhh last week I was part of a focus group that got to talk about shopping. They paid me about the same amount for a little more time but still! It. Was. Awesome.
I do a whole lot around the house as far as the ‘woman’ role goes. My husband does a lot of the ‘men’ things; bread winning, fixing things (which is laughable though because he’s about as handy as a man with no hands), etc. . .
The most important thing right now is that we both love and care for the kids.
Lisa says:
In our home there are some things that we each do that would be considered traditional gender roles, like my husband is the bread winner and has been since our daughter was born, and I stay home to raise our daughter. However, when it comes down to it, we are partners in life and tackle whatever needs to be tackled when it needs to be tackled, irregardless of what the traditional roles call for.
I am amazed how many of them were angry about their role, and what they considered their wife’s role to be.
Stephanie says:
My husband and me we do things 50/50. It so happens that I love to cook, and he can burn water, but he won’t wait for me to cook him something if i’m busy or tired, that’s what cheerios are for I don’t beleive that our roles should be define as women/men duties. Do what you can, and together you can pull everything off. We both work full time outside the home, so we do what we can so the girls are taken care off and the house doesn’t look like a complete disaster.
Susan says:
I have a mixed bag of responses. First, we don’t have children so we both work outside the home. My husband and I do have some traditional gender roles (I cook, he takes out the trash), but we also have some mixed roles (he cleans the kitchen, I yell at the sprinkler system). During my recent unemployment, I was a total traditional stay-at-home-wife and I loved it.
I think the issue might be those guys who married princesses who don’t want to work or clean or anything. I have a guy friend who is the breadwinner. His wife sends the kids to preschool, has a weekly maid, yet he spends his evenings doing laundry and cooking. The arrangement works for them, but it leaves me scratching my head wondering what she is contributing. Before anyone jumps on the “she manages the household” bandwagon, let me assure you – she doesn’t. She calls him to tell him to call the plumber, make airline reservations, or fire the yard guy.
I think people need to discuss expectations and understand obligations before they marry. Find out what works best for each couple and run with it.
Kim says:
I agree with Meg.
I think that many of these men have wives that work outside the home and they are not giving the full story.
My husband is a stay at home parent and I work outside the home. He does everything, all housework and renovations (old house), getting kids to school and swimming, soccer, etc. We have 3 kids (ages 8, 6 and 4) and 2 dogs. There’s a lot to do.
When I get home from the work that I get paid to do, I drop everything and pitch in to the work that we do not get paid to do. I have to. We are PARTNERS in every sense of the word. Parenthood is a blessing but it’s a hell of a lot of work, and I get offended when people ask my why my husband doesn’t work and maybe he should work from home. When? During the 5 minutes he gets to go to the bathroom and take a dump (not alone, by the way)?
He and I have both played the at-home and at work roles and in my opinion, at work is easier. At least I get to sit down.
I think those men in your group had a fantasy of coming home from work, sitting back and watching TV like they did in the ’50s. Sorry gentlemen. Those days are over.
Aliesha says:
My husband and I are more of the “whoever feels like it does it” type, rather than traditional gender roles. I do do most of the cooking and laundry, but thats because I am very picky about how the laundry is done and am more organized when it comes to cooking (plus I grocery shop, again because I’m picky about the brands/prices). But, I am also the one to fix things when they break, because it is more in my nature to figure out how things work and how to fix them. He cares for our daughter one day a week and works the rest of the time, and I work full-time. We both enjoy caring for her together in the evenings. I am so happy with our life the way it is!
The thing is, nearly everyone I know behaves in nearly the same way–some traditional roles for each, but neither partner minds doing “women’s” or “men’s” work when the need arises. I know almost no one who operate under completely traditional roles, and the few I do…seem less happy to me. Maybe that’s just me thinking about how unhappy I’d be in their situation though.
Lisa says:
I have always believed that whatever works best to keep the household operating is the way to go. For us, that meant we were pretty traditional in our contributions, but there was much crossover along the way. Like partners do, we would easily share responsibilities when the need arose.
I agree with Susan though – I think some men are finding themselves in marriages with women who are unwilling to fill the traditional wife role and yet don’t want to step in to any of the traditional husband areas of the marriage either. In other words “I’m not doing my job but I’m also not doing your job either” leaving the man to carry the burden of the job, the kids, the house and everything in between.
Caring for your spouse and working to make life joyful is neither a male or female thing. It’s a natural result of loving someone enough to put their needs ahead of your own fear of being stereotypical. If both partners share that goal, the work gets done and there is time – and desire for – fun together as a family. Which is what it should all be about in the first place.
Lee2525 says:
Thank you for the post, Mike. This was very interesting to read, because to be honest, I’ve never thought of it from this perspective. I am a married woman in my early thirties. My husband and I both work, and we don’t have children. I find myself getting very frustrated because I contribute equally to our family financially, yet still do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning. It’s not the cooking and cleaning (the traditional role) that I resent, but it’s the fact that I do it after working ten hours outside of the home (non-traditional role.)
From your post I realized these men are also having a tough time adjusting to their non-traditional roles. I just had never thought about it like that. (To focused on my own struggle, I assume.)
What I come away with is that it’s just pretty damn hard to play both roles, no matter who you are. Thanks again.
Suzanne says:
Being married is a partnership, and like any partnership, each person has to contribute something, according to what works for you. My basic belief is that a husband and wife should take care of each other and the home to make it a happy one. That woman sitting on the couch yelling “make your own damn meal” doesn’t sound like she really gets that concept. I feel sorry for that guy, but he must have had some kind of clue before he got married.
As far as being expected to do more child care, I think men get a lot of benefits out of it, and should not be complaining about that. My hubby sees that he is closer with his sons because of the time he has spent with them since they were little. He wanted something better than the relationship he had with his own dad, and you have to put the time in to make that happen.
Molly says:
Susan- I have a sister-in-law who is exactly like that. Her self employed husband (my brother) works 60+ hours a week, pays for a maid, does about 75% of the childcare (they’re both in school now but he was responsible for them, when they were little, from the moment he got home until the moment he left for work again, and all weekend), does his own laundry, takes care of dinner most nights (they eat out a lot), picks the kids up from school when they’re sick, is usually responsible for keeping food in the house. She does her own and the children’s laundry, and she plans their many vacations which she claims to need, though for the life of me, I can’t understand what all she needs a break from. She shops constantly (for herself and the children), though she has told his mother that for Christmas he desperately needs undershirts because all of his have holes; she couldn’t have picked them up one of the four days a week she’s shopping at the mall for herself? When her kids were young (before school age) she had a nanny, and when the nanny wasn’t around, the kids were plopped in front of the TV. She recently insisted on moving into an even fancier house, but it meant that her husband now has to commute 40 minutes each way to his office, whereas he used to live 5 minutes away. When he went through a rough spot financially, she still expected lavish gifts. It.blows.my.mind. To add insult to injury– she’s not even a catch! She still complains of extra baby weight, but her baby? He’s 10! Annnnnd they don’t share a bedroom because he snores; so she’s taken over the master bedroom and he has his own room.
That situation makes me SO thankful for my wonderful husband and our partnership. When we had our child, we decided that he would stay home because my income better supported our family but we didn’t want to delegate 40 hours a week of childcare to someone else. We have hired help to do our cleaning because we think both of us can make better use of our time so it’s cost effective. He takes care of the laundry, does yard work, fixes things around the house, manages our finances, orders our groceries. I pump for the baby, make his baby food and cook dinner for us most nights. I feed the dog and walk him before and after work and before bed. I manage our social calendar and plan our trips. We are EQUAL partners in parenting, because frankly, I LIKE spending time with our baby! We alternate baby chores when I’m home at night, mornings, and weekends. When he’s home during the day with the baby, he’s being a good, interactive parent- no tv babysitters. We both feel like we contribute equitably and everything runs smoothly. No guilt, no resentment. We sleep in the same room because we love each other enough to find other solutions to snoring, and my baby weight was gone before our baby was 6 months old. She thinks I dislike her because I’m jealous, but that couldn’t be further from the truth; I may have to do some work but the fruits of that labor, knowing my contribution, are far more rewarding.
Erin says:
Molly, thank you for sharing your story, but please don’t assume that people who don’t share the same room don’t love each other. That’s insulting.
Molly says:
I’m sure there are circumstances where loving couples find it necessary to sleep separately, but for snoring? I think love conquers snoring. But, that’s just me.
Their situation is made worse because she kicked him out of their room right after she finishing renovating, redecorating, and buying a $6000 mattress and new furniture, and she sent him to the guest room with the old mattress, no furniture. He only recently treated himself to a real bedroom. I hope for his sake he wakes up someday soon and treats himself to a real partner/wife.
Tracey in the NorCal says:
Sorry, Molly – love should conquer snoring, but if you had to spend one night trying to sleep in the same bed with my husband you’d change your mind! His snoring is unbelievably loud – you can hear him through a closed door and pretty much throughout the house. I HAVE to sleep by myself, otherwise I’d never get any sleep at all.
Yeah, I love my husband, but the snoring thing is just too much for me to sleep in the same bed with him. We take short vacations (and always get two beds) just because if we don’t, I’ll never get any sleep.
Tracey in the NorCal says:
Molly, I forgot to add – your sister-in-law sounds EXACTLY like mine! I don’t think I need to tell you my opinion of her and how she treats my brother. I just don’t understand why he puts up with it. Are you sure we’re not related?!
Adrianne says:
As a woman, it’s always fascinating to hear what men have to say about these sorts of things. While I don’t know these particular men’s situations, based on what you’ve said, it seems to me that they are missing a key element. And that’s that women’s “roles” have changed dramatically also. A huge number of mothers now work outside of the home. It’s only logical that if both parents are working full time outside of the home, that the household and parenting duties would be split. Unless every single one of these men have wives who stay home, then I can’t understand their argument. They are just being asked to do what their wives also do. Seems fair to me.
I imagine that it is “taxing” to play both roles, but from what I’ve observed, most women are playing both roles too. And if I had to guess, I’d say there are far more women out there who are wearing both hats than men. I’m happy to see so many men stepping up to the plate when it comes to parenting, but I think that’s still the minority of men…even when their wives work outside of the home.
Marie says:
Wow, that had to be interesting. I am of the generation above you. I am 58. In my household I ran it the way I was taught by my mother. I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry. I also worked part time my entire life. And for lots of years I worked full time. My husband had a job that took many hours of the day (as in at least 12). Anything else we did together. He was great at fixing and washed the dishes with me nightly after the kids left home.
Here’s what I’ve seen in the world today. Women are more highly educated than in years past. Most have bachelor’s and quite a few have graduate degrees. So their jobs are probably harder than mine were. I felt like I had jobs not a career and that was just fine with me. I did not want to come home and have to work on my job or stress over it. On the other hand, women today are not trained by their mothers to know how to cook, clean and anything else that might need doing when they marry. I had 3 sons – all of them learned to cook, sew, clean and do laundry. Just because they were boys did not mean they did not need to do anything. So when they married it was more shared than traditional.
I’m afraid of the divorce rate – it’s high and climbing higher. And I think it’s because of the non-traditional roles people are expected to play.
I have no answer except to say that both need to work on communication first and foremost.
I have seen the princess types like Susan said. That does not translate to real life does it? Someone needs to care for the children and the household. And before these men had children that should have been discussed.
Right now I think that you and Heather are in the more traditional roles, but I know that has and will probably change again before you are done raising children. But then Heather has common sense. Some women do not. And some men do not. They do their outside jobs and that’s supposed to be it for them. Life should be wonderful for both partners regardless of who cleans the toilets. But someone needs to!
And people need to cherish each other – just like the wedding vows say.
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
Karen says:
My husband and I are also more modern than traditional. I work, although I would love to stay home but we can not afford it. On weekends, we both tackle housework and caring for our two kiddos. My mom watches our infant during the week.
I do get frustrated when I am running all day and all night and the hubby is resting and watching television. In our home, it is more because I am pumping breastmilk for the next day and washing/sterilzing bottles. I recently collapsed into a fit of tears while he watched tv because I realized I was not going to bed for several hours and I was already beyond exhausted. My husband was insulted at this because he does lot of the housework but it was still uneven and I was still doing more than I could handle and working. It is a constant balancing act and after calming down, he started a new routine of washing and sterilizing while I cook dinner. He does dishes while I bathe the boys and then once they are in bed, I pump and collapse.
Without him doing these things our family wouldn’t work. It is what it is and although neither of us wants the “work” it has to get done by someone and he realizes I am only human. I wish he and the other men in your group would forget the stereotypes because moms and spouses also need rest to stay healthy and there is only so much we can do.
Lisa says:
Very interesting. I WISH my husband was the bread winner. But that respnsibility has fallen on to me. He does work, but I bring home more bacon and “support” our home. It is alot of pressure, and I do not like it. But that is how it goes. My hubby does share in the parenting of our daughter. However, I do much more. He does fix things around the house, he is handy- yay I do most of the cleaning, but he does help when um, prompted. I do the cooking and shopping. All I see is that most women now DEMAND that the man share the child rearing as well as house hold chores so we don’t have to do everything. We got smart (er). However, I also pay all of the bills, arrange everything that we do, set appts, mostly do dishes, unload dishwasher – I basically I keep the home running. Home fires burning as they say? I will say that he is helpful w/ doing HIS laundry. Which helps. But all in all, I do more and he has it good dammit!!
Staci says:
I totally agree with Adrianne. This is a really funny read at this point in my life … I work full-time, my hubby is self-employed so I carry the majority of the benefits, etc. He is extremely angry with me but moreso because I work too much and because he’s resentful that I am the bread winner. Are men ever happy?
We’re actually just starting the process of getting a divorce. It does have to do with his anger but he’s also emotionally/verbally abusive. It makes me sad that men are so angry with women who adore them and would do anything for them. Sorry, guys, the world evolves, and so should you.
Lulu says:
Staci, wow. I agree wholeheartedly! Men are soooo angry with the woman they married. I too adore my husband and I do sooo much for him and our son and our pets. But it’s not enough and he’s always cranky with me.
Not divorced yet, but I’m sure we’ve both thought about it.
Gale @ Ten Dollar Thoughts says:
Like other commenters, I wonder if these men’s wives work outside the home. Much hay has been made in the media of the so-called “second shift” – all of the domestic work that women are expected to do at home after working a full day outside the home.
We have one young son (another on the way) and we both work outside the home. Much of our marriage falls along traditional gender lines – he pays bills, I cook, I coordinate nannies and babysitters, he mows the yard, I deal with the housekeeper (and clean the house on her off weeks), etc. But I think we both feel that the workload around the house is divided evenly. We share child duties equally. And we each end up doing the things that we enjoy. (I like cooking and he likes fiddling with finances.)
Where I lose my patience is with women who stay home full time (without having a paid, work-from-home type job) and take on the attitude (“fix your own damn supper”) that your fellow focus group participants describe. I expect that there will come a time when I step away from the work force and will be a full time SAHM. In that situation I would fully expect the domestic workload to fall almost completely into my lap. In that situation my job will be to maintain the household – cleaning, doing laundry, preparing meals, etc. Staying home full time is an incredible amount of work. In many ways it’s harder than working outside the home. Unless the man’s income is such that all domestic work can be outsourced to employees then women who stay home should understand that homemaking isn’t a blank check to sit around all day.
Nevertheless, I think the anger these men are expressing is the same frustration that many working women have been bearing silently for years.
Jessica says:
What I wondered while reading this post, was if those men considered the fact that now a days the majority of women are now forced to work full time outside the home. So the traditional roles don’t necessarily apply.
When I was married to my now ex husband…we were very traditional. I was able to be a stay at home mom and housewife…while he worked and provided for the family. Since he worked long, hard days…I did do the cooking, cleaning and child rearing.
Now I am going on 4 years in a relationship, and I am working full time…12 to 14 hour shifts…which are long and physically demanding. So I do not come home and cook and clean. We share duties. If I am expected to work outside the home, I cannot do all the work inside the home.
Smoochagator says:
My experience has been the opposite. As long as my husband and I have been together, I have brought home half (sometimes slightly more) of the household income, but done WAY more than half of the household chores. This is my and my husband’s fault – I was trying to be superwoman, and he let me. When I began to ask for help, he dismissed it because, duh, women take care of everything at home and when he leaves work he just doesn’t want to have to worry about anything. What was just an annoying and slightly exhausting problem in our marriage became a divorce-maker after the birth of our first child, when I realized that I either needed help or I was going to end up in the looney bin from all the pressure. It’s been difficult for us figuring out our roles and responsibilities in the home, but I’m finally not feeling so alone.
A side note about the quote you included – the man didn’t happen to give any back story, did he? It is very possible that his wife made dinner for him every night for years, after working full-time or running after toddlers all day, and she finally just got fed up with him never offering to help, never offering to take her out to dinner, never even saying “Thank you.” I could be wrong, but I’d be willing to bet there’s more to the story. (Of course, there’s almost always more to the story – rarely is one person the source of all the friction in a relationship.)
Smoochagator says:
Excuse me, I should say *almost* became a divorce-maker. My husband and I are still together, thank goodness, but boy was it touch-and-go.
Rachel says:
Check out these statistics from the American Time Use Survey conducted annually by the Bureau of Labor Statistics:
http://www.bls.gov/TUS/CHARTS/HOUSEHOLD.HTM
Its total bullshit that those men were complaining; I doubt that each and every one of them had a situation that was so outside the norm that the wives were doing less work around the house.
That link will take you to data from the 2009 survey, here is a summary of the 2010 survey:
Household Activities in 2010
–On an average day, 84 percent of women and 67 percent of men spent some time doing household activities such as housework, cooking, lawn care, or financial and other household management. (For a definition of average day, see the Technical Note.) (See table 1.)
–On the days that they did household activities, women spent an average of 2.6 hours on such activities, while men spent 2.1 hours. (See table 1.)
–On an average day, 20 percent of men did housework–such as cleaning or doing laundry–compared with 49 percent of women. Forty-one percent of men did food preparation or cleanup, compared with 68 percent of women. (See table 1.)
Kate says:
Of course, everyone’s situation is different and some of the wives may be lazy but I bet this man-anger is simply just the changing attitudes and expectations towards a man’s role in the family. I wish I could have more sympathy but women have been dealing with “two roles” since we went back to work in the 1960s and 1970s. I agree and can understand that it IS hard for everyone to juggle family, chores and jobs. But that’s kinda the way it is. I think the difference is that women used to suffer silently and now 1) we demand recognition that traditional women’s work (housework, kids, etc) is really WORK and 2) we need men to step up and split things more equally if we’re all going to do this life-balance thing. Plus there’s just a greater expectation that fathers will be more involved in child-rearing. I think the Don Draper days of working and being minimally involved in home life are gone. I’m kind of shocked that guys still expect that.
How is it that these guys are angry and surprised by their situation? Is there no discussion about who will do what and when in the marriage? Perhaps assumptions and lack of communication are the real keys behind these resentments.
Mandy says:
I’m close-ish to your generation (39) and I think the issue is more than just a discussion of “who does what” according to their gender. My observation (up here in urban Canada, maybe it’s different in another demographic) is that women have been shouldering the burden of working full time, even with kids, and running the household. By running the household, I don’t mean “doing everything”, but being the overseer and organizer as well as labourer. So they’re starting to push back. Those men are realizing how much women have been doing on top of working.
Is this a sweeping generalization? Yes. Does it apply to all unions, especially where one person is not working outside the home? No. However, obviously families where both partners feel an equal distribution of labour are much more successful than those where there is some resentment over who does how much. You and Heather are lucky to be in one that works. It’s taken my husband and I several years (since the kids arrived) to work this dynamic out.
Cheryl says:
Interesting that those men feel that way. I am the main breadwinner in our family. My husband stayed home the first year with our son before he went back to work. I do the laundry and most of the grocery shopping. He loves to cook, (finds it relaxing) but if he is working late or tired I do it. He usually cleans up the kitchen so I can sit and relax before getting our 5 yr old to bed . We hired someone to clean every other week, but before that he would vacuum and dust and I would clean the kitchen and bathrooms. He isn’t particularily handy but is learning from me and from my dad (when I call him with a please help!) We just define things as we go and if I feel that I am overwhelmed with things I tell him that I need more help with whatever it is that is overwhelming me or vice versa
Audra says:
My husband and I are both teachers with very similar schedules. Recent tension in our house has centered around the fact that I often feel really overwhelmed because I’m expected to work AND play the traditional female role of housekeeping. My husband does cook and clean the kitchen, but that is just one area of the house. I often feel like while he is responsible for himself and this one room I’m responsible for myself AND the girls and the entire rest of the house including all of the toys, clothes, hairclips, etc…I’m not sure why it works that way. I’ve said before that if I was a stay at home mom I would make the housework mine but, for the good of the girls, we would both be equally involved with them.
Robyn says:
What an interesting post. I’m a freelance writer/editor and a stay-at-home mom with two school-aged girls. My husband works a traditional 9-5 job, that, because of modern connectivity has become more of a 7-11 job. He works from an office some days, and he works from home some days. And he has several scheduled night-time conference calls with Asia during the week.
We cross all kinds of traditional gender roles. I keep the house clean–because it’s important to me. I also mow and sometimes I fix things. We share grocery shopping (because I HATE IT!), but I do most of the cooking. I do most of the driving the kids to most activities, but he does the birthday parties because crowds of kids make me nuts.
In other words, we share the responsibilities pretty evenly. That being said. . . if I were in a room full of women talking about men, I’d have plenty to say. Not about what he does or doesn’t do, but about the credit he gets for it. SERIOUSLY! Nobody swoons about what a great mom I am when I show up at a birthday party or volunteer to chaperone a school field trip, but when he does he’s suddenly “Saint Husband” and that makes me nuts. I resent the fact that he gets all kinds of cultural credit for stepping outside his traditional role and I get. . . well. . . hm.
I was honestly about to to say “I get nothing.” But as I type it, I realize that’s not entirely true. I guess what I get is a husband who’s a great dad and a true partner.
But credit would be nice, too!
Darcie says:
Honestly Mike, did you think this was going to go well? I just scrolled through the comments, none were shorter than 3 paragraphs, many used phrases like BLOOD BOILING and STRUCK A NERVE!
At least you “aren’t like those men” LOL
Jayme (Random Blogette) says:
I can’t even imagine how I would be able to handle everything if we didn’t split the work load. Granted, I am very lucky that my husband will do laundry and dishes and cook too. We both work very stressful jobs and it is so nice to be able to share in the home responsibilities. I feel sorry for the wives of these men.
aqua6 says:
How interesting that these topics come about on the same day from another blog I like:
http://www.sweetfineday.com/2011/06/when-youre-the-breadwinner-in-the-family/
Randi says:
This is a VERY interesting discussion! I have seen a number of lazy mothers and wives – I’m related to a few, unfortunately. These are the ones who, while they work outside of the home as much as their husbands do rely on the husbands to do everything around the house. And they EXPECT it, which I think is the rub. Instead of asking and appreciating, they think that the man should do it all and get no rewards.
In our house I work at home and my husband works outside of the home. We both love that I’m here to get the kids from school if needed, and that I can be home with them during the summer. In the summer months especially he tends to watch the monkeys as soon as he’s home so that I can get some work done. I usually do dinner (he does it usually about once a week) and then he and the kids tend to do dishes. He’s the laundry man, I’m the duster/sweeper/mopper/vacuumer. I clean the bathroom and take the kids and pets to their appointments. I put the kids to bed and he straightens up the house a bit.
ANYWAY, the biggest trick, I think, is in not expecting someone to do anything for you, but appreciating it, and letting them know you appreciate it, when they do. That’s what sexual favors are for, right? LOL
Kristafied says:
So many fabulous comments have stemmed from this post; I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the discussions. One thing Randi says here that I find interesting is that these women who expect their husbands to do everything at home despite both partners working are “lazy.” Would you call a man who has the same expectations of his wife “lazy” as well?
brooke says:
i think there’s one way to really ‘balance’ this argument, and unfortunately it’s not a method most can access. the old idea of walk in my shoes for awhile and see how they suit you. you and heather have both played the roles of breadwinner and homemaker respectively, and my guess is, the reason you aren’t moaning about traditional gender roles is you know, both sides have their perks and drawbacks. sometimes people burn out in their particular role and hope their spouse will recognize it and support them by appreciating the difficulties of their particular role, and lending a helping hand when possible. granted, one can’t usually go to work for the breadwinner, but one can help be a good ear when they need to vent their frustrations and try to help find solutions, or just find a way to take their mind off it/spoil them for awhile. doing that requires time and commitment to support a spouse just like doing the dishes or taking the kids out for the homemaker when he/she is burned out does. it’s a matter of realizing that both roles are difficult, and supporting one another when the dreaded burn-out sets in. i come from a family where my mother works 3 times the hours my father does, manages all chores except the trash and lawn mowing, and was definitely the hands-on parent of the 2 while dad laid in a recliner watching tv, annoyed when we asked questions like if we could go to a friends house, and called my mom after a 10 hr day at work to ask what she was making for dinner. which of course, causes a lot of tension in a household. my siblings are grown and they seem for the most part, to have found the balance you and heather have. the grass is always greener, but if you bring the picnic to the other side when things get overwhelming, i don’t think it’s all so bad.
Amy K says:
I work a minimal part-time job from home, but for the most part I am a SAHM to a 2-year-old. My husband is the primary 9 to 5 breadwinner and also cooks dinner. I do the cleaning, laundry, errands, etc. Every day he comes home from work, says hello for 20 minutes or so, and then heads out the door again for a two-hour gym session or bike ride.
If I make the mistake of asking him to help out with something in the evening, he sometimes says, “Why do we have to do this now? YOU don’t have to work in the morning,” and it makes me stabby. Because taking care of a toddler all day and night is all fun and games, right? We just watch TV and eat bonbons. I don’t need to be conscious for it. If she wakes up early I can just sleep in anyway, you know? Yeah. He wouldn’t last a week at my job.
Truly, I’m thrilled to be able to stay home with my child until she’s old enough for a full day of school. I wouldn’t trade all of this time I’ve gotten to spend with her for a billion dollars. I’m looking forward to having a career again, though. Hanging out with my daughter and watching her grow and learn is amazing, but the other parts of being a SAHM don’t exactly stimulate my brain. I’ve never understood why some women with school-age children (or without children at all) choose to stay home. Give me my additional income and daily adult social interaction, please. I’ll gladly pay someone else to clean my house. It will also make the division of labor in our household feel more equal again. Right now, I think he sometimes resents the fact that I don’t have “regular job responsibilities” like he does, and I occasionally feel like my job is 24 hours while his is only eight.
Lora says:
I do think there may be a BIT of a double standard as they were saying, where Men have to now fill both male and female roles when it comes to issues of child rearing, housekeeping etc. But I have to wonder…HOW many of these men had wives who ALSO WORK? I mean are we talking about stay at home moms who want Dad to come home after working all day and then cook dinner too, or are we talking about dual income households where women are demanding “Hey, I work too! We have to share the load when it comes to things at home!” To me there is a very important distinction. Not to say working Dads should not help out, but if both Mom and Dad are working then it really is only fair to redefine and compromise when it comes to “male vs. female” work in the home.
suzanne says:
My husband and I are equal breadwinners and both work fulltime. I do all the cooking. He cleans the dishes (sometimes with help from me). I do the laundry, grocery shopping, the bathroom cleaning and floor washing, and our daughter’s bedtime routine. I also feed her breakfast and get her dressed. On occasion, he helps with laundry. From this perspective, things seem unequal.
However, the reason why he does not help with bedtime is mostly due to the fact that he works later than I do. While he does not do very much housecleaning, he is extremely handy, and does all home repairs (we live in a fixer-upper, so there’s a lot of that — a LOT). He also takes out the trash, deals with the front yard, car repairs and does the bill-paying (although I do the financial planning).
I think he needs to pull a little more freight when it comes to house-cleaning, particularly after some of our home renovation projects end. But for now, when I start to feel stabby over the laundry, I remind myself that our respective contributions are darn close to equal.
I think this is the key — when you are feeling burned out and unappreciated regarding the stuff you do, remind yourself of what the other person is doing. If they truly bring nothing to the table, well, then you’ve got a problem.
Julie says:
“Neither Heather nor I play a very defined traditional gender role in our home.”
Yes, this is our house as well, and it works for us. I think we usually try to remember that we’re on the same team, and don’t get bogged down with petty resentments. We both work full-time, and our son is 15 months. We’re usually exhausted so there’s no point in accusing the other of not pulling their weight because we’re both clearly doing things at most of the hours of our day.
He does the dishes every morning, I make most of the meals. He does a lot of the heavier yard work, I do more of the planting & designing. He’s been doing the laundry lately, while I will do some of the light do-it-yourself handywoman tasks around the house (fix a loose towel rack, WD-40 the squeaky doors, change a light fixture.)
We BOTH do diaper duty.
(I remember months ago there was a time when I think we were mentally tallying the number of poop diapers we had each had to deal with and getting a little resentful if it seemed imbalanced, but after changing a million diapers it becomes a complete non-issue…just like a quick trip to the bathroom for yourself — you don’t think twice about it.)
Lisa says:
We have traditional roles for the most part. Though a recent marital battle has got him doing his own laundry so I guess he can complain now?
NOT! He’s a work-a-holic. Over the years he has missed countless road trips and sporting events. Our children know they can count on me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Both of us work outside the home. I stick to 40 hours a week and he does more like 50-60. Ok but I feed the pets 95% of the time. I clean, shop, cook. He takes care of outside stuff and car stuff. But that’s not a daily job.
I have greatly resented him coming home, griping about something or other, act too picky about what’s for dinner, and then go sit at the computer and surf.
He’s finally doing more for our children. But yesterday he was a half hour late picking our son up. *sigh*
All I really want is a bit of appreciation. And when I ask “well what do you want for dinner” don’t say you don’t know then complain.
Oops… I guess I’m ranting a bit. LOL
Amy says:
If both the husband and the wife work full time jobs, household chores should be equally shared, but I agree that if one person in the house is the sole bread winner for the family and the other doesn’t have to work then they should do the lionshare of the household chores.
Our family has no set “gender” roles. I enjoy doing things like mowing the lawn and fixing things, while my husband enjoys doing the grocery shopping and cooking. Although, I do expect him to squish all the bugs that need squishing. I don’t squish bugs.
Sara says:
Interesting…so since I make three times as much as my hubby, does that mean he should be waiting on me??
Skye says:
Like most people who commented, I wonder whether those husbands’ wives also work. I think both men and women are feeling more pressure to both work outside the home and do a lot of things around the home. Compromise seems to be the only solution. I’m glad you and Heather have a healthy balance!
Jessica says:
I have no problem at all being the one to take care of the kid, cook dinner, shopping, cleaning, and working a part time job from home. As long as my boyfriend is working. But it was very stressful for me when he was not working and doing absolutely nothing to help. It was wrong and selfish and I resented him for it.
I think it many cases there can be exceptions, like a man who does construction cannot easily make Dr. appointments but if his wife works in an office, it might be easier for her to do that. If both partners work full time, then there should be fairness in life outside the office.
Jana says:
We are missing a very important piece to the story. Whether or not these wives are working outside of the home as well. If both partners are working outside the home, should both partners not help equally within the home? If this is the case, how fair is it that these men still expect that they do not have to help out at home because they work? I see it the other way. I have a great husband who does help occasionally, however, I work 40 hours a week and am still the main caretaker of the children and their activities, 100% responsible for making sure the bills are paid, and do 90% of the housework. So if I ever decide to tell my husband to make his “own damn supper” one night because I’m not “his maid” I feel totally justified doing so.
Kristen McD says:
My husband and I probably have the most traditional marriage of any I know – in that I stopped working two weeks before we got married (at 22 – only eight years ago) and probably won’t again for a long time. At least until the kids are in high school. He has earned almost every cent that has come into our household, though I’ve been able to pitch in a hundred or two hundred here and there.
I take care of the house. Sometimes poorly. But I always get it back up to speed myself, or if he does help it’s because he’s freaking awesome. I’ve never had to ask. I cook nearly every meal (and bring him a plate even! LOL) and pack his lunch. I take care of our kids and he has never even changed our daughter’s diaper – ever. But I’ve never ever mowed the lawn.
We often have the “I could not do what you do” conversation. I could not work 12 hour days and not go completely insane. I could not deal with the stresses of TWO jobs, and be considering a third – just for extra “fun money”. He says he could not be at home all day long and not lose his mind – though he and the kids love being together when he IS home. Or keep us all fed and clothed and not spend a million dollars doing it.
But it’s also what we both want. I want to be home with our kids. He wants his kids to have an at-home mom. He didn’t get to have that growing up, and he wants that for them.
I think the mutual admiration is what keeps us both happy. Knowing the other thinks we work harder than we think we do. And also knowing that if things HAD TO be different, well… we’d make it work that way too.
Christina says:
I consider myself a feminist but in the definition of someone who is interested in any inequality for any person, motivated by the revelation of the gross inequalities women have faced throughout. I stand up for all inequalities. And I do believe that we’re facing a male problem right now. Fewer males are graduating from school (high school and college) and fewer males are entering college. That should not be. It’s a problem that needs to be examined. Also I do respect the fact that men have pressures and expectations placed on them by society, the same way women do. It’s different expectations but the frustrations are the same!
As for the idea that sexism is a 1-way street, maybe for some. I also think those guys are exaggerating a little. I see a lot of pressure and judgment in the “just a homemaker” sentiments from people who look down on that role. Some people feel that a woman isn’t doing enough if she isn’t working and being a full-time mom. Well that doesn’t work for all families! Some women even think a stay-at-home mom is somehow setting women back. You know what sets women back? Society telling them how they should be instead of letting them choose what’s right for them!
Plenty of women feel pressured to play both traditional female roles and male roles… to make a home and make a living, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in big ways. I, personally do. I am well aware of when I call to my husband to kill a bug or fix something. As a result, I make it a point to try to figure things out for myself sometimes. I don’t do it often enough. I know he can fix things more quickly and better than I can (he’s an engineer so he figures out how things work pretty easily). So if I’m in a rush, I call to him.
For the past 2 years I’ve been working full time and getting my master’s degree so my husband has been cooking and cleaning a lot. We definitely share the tasks, depending on what’s going on in each other’s lives. It’s what works best for our family and what feels right to me in general. I will offer this disclaimer, though: we have no kids. That’s a big difference.
Here’s the thing… there are going to be people out there who can do everything and there are going to be people out there who are lazy. Males or females can play either role. Don’t marry someone who plays a role you don’t support or someone with different values from yours! DUH! Every time I hear someone complain about their spouse in such a grand way (little annoyances and occasional small fights aside) I wonder, “Then why did you marry him/her?”
Amy says:
Thanking my lucky stars over here after reading some of these comments!
He works outside of the home and is away 4 out of 8 days. I work from home as an artist (barely paid!) and Mom to our kids who are all now in their teens.
When he is home he does his share. Period! No questions asked, just dives in and does what needs to be done.
I think I would have a real problem if we both adhered to ‘traditional roles’. Even if he makes 95% of our income. We BOTH bring our talents and energies to running of the household.
Laura says:
There are many great comments here – making points for both sides of the argument. My feelings are particularly similar to Adrianne’s above (comment #24) where she pointed out that women’s roles have drastically changed since those traditional roles began. I work as many hours outside the home as my husband does (and bring home almost and much $). We pretty much maintain traditional roles in the household (I cook, clean, handle laundry, do most kid chores… he mowes, does most household repairs, etc.). I pretty okay with those roles, but I sometimes resent that those roles of mine that I mentioned are
EVERY DAY things that take up most of the time after work, while his yard mowing is once a week and home repairs are not constant. So, maybe he could help a little more picking up the house (just general picking up after HIMSELF or maybe unload the dishwasher for ONCE in his life). This argument goes no where. MY THING is that I wouldn’t expect the household work to be 50/50 — I would be ecstatic if I just saw some of those things ONCE where it made me see that he didn’t just ASSUME that I do it all no matter what.
Amelia says:
Absolutely I’ve seen this. It takes place in my own home I’m sure. I stay at home with our child, but I still expect my husband to put away his laundry, unload the dishwasher, and most importantly, spend as much time with our daughter as possible. He’s in charge of bath time, he joins us for story time. I’m know he’d be just fine with being the one to stay home while I work, but that’s just not how it is right now. He contains any resentment he has pretty well.
RockyMtnMom says:
As a current SAHM who has also been a working Mom, I’d like to offer another perspective. Just because one doesn’t work outside the home doesn’t mean that he or she should automatically shoulder 100% of the household chores and child rearing. Speaking from experience, a house sure can stay neat and tidy when the parents are at work and the kids are at daycare, but when you are “at home” you are engaging your children, letting them do the messy crafts, letting the kids “just play” which can get messy, taking walks, reading to them, nursing babies, taking them to school, to sports practices, playdates, the zoo, the library, the doctor, etc etc. All of these things take a ton of time and to add to that grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry? Please. Thankfully my husband understands how much work it is to run a household with three children and we both share undone tasks (whatever they are) when he gets home (if he’s not traveling) because the work is never done The only jobs we each solely have are that he mows the lawn and does landscaping and I manage the finances, because we both like doing those things
Wallydraigle says:
My husband works outside the home; I’m a SAHM. We have two children, sixteen months apart. Our day “jobs” aren’t even comparable.
He has eight hours of solid work. Staring at a computer screen is hard on the eyes. He also gets up earlier than I do. But he’s sitting in a comfortable chair, conversing with adults who don’t lie face-down on the floor and scream when he tells them it’s his turn to use the photocopier, and they’ll just have to wait.
I sleep about an hour later than he does. I do as much housework as I possibly can in the morning; laundry is done, folded, and put away; dishes are washed; floors are wiped down after every meal because the baby still thinks eating is a spa day/full contact sport. I consider it my job to keep the house clean, prepare meals, make meal plans, and teach the kids how not to be sociopaths when they grow up. I want my husband to come home to a place he can relax. I want him to associate home life and kids and me with happiness and rest.
My goodness, I sound like an ultra-idealistic 50s housewife, but I’m not. I work as hard as I can when I can partly so that when I do have a terrible day, and things don’t get done, he’ll say, “Oh, don’t worry about dinner; we can get pizza,” instead of saying, “Oh my gosh, what do you DO all day?”
I have a lot more free time than he does, I get to enjoy the sunshine if I take the kids outside. I suck at playing with kids, but I still get to PLAY for my job. The drain for me is emotional. We have fantastically good-natured kids, but I’m still emotionally exhausted by the time they go down for their naps. That’s why I scramble to get all the housework done by then; I’m practically useless for the entire two hours. Yeah, I get a TWO HOUR break in the middle of the day just because I feel like it. That right there tells me it’s completely fair that I’m 99% responsible for the housework.
BUT! When my husband comes home from work, the kids belong to both of us. None of this wife doing all the diaper changes business, or my husband leaving his socks all over the house, or sitting around while I clean up after dinner. The house is almost always clean when he gets home, so any mess that occurs after that belongs to both of us.
It’s a good system. I’m pretty happy with it, as is he. It doesn’t always work out perfectly, but our home is remarkably resentment-free, considering the stresses two small children can put on a marriage.
Tracey in the NorCal says:
My husband owns his own business (landscape maintenance) and I work full time. We don’t have children so that isn’t a factor for us.
Prior to our marriage we lived separately. My husband was a FREAK about keeping his place clean, almost to the point that I was afraid to make any kind of “mess”. He did his own laundry, paid his bills, etc.
Once we got married, he “forgot” how to do laundry, leaves his stuff laying around everywhere, wipes crumbs off the table directly onto the floor – I could go on and on. What happened to the guy that was so anal about cleaning? He expects me to do his laundry and throws a fit if I ask him why he can’t do it himself occasionally.
If I didn’ work full time I’d be fine with shouldering all the household responsibilities, but I’m very resentful that with the marriage certificate came the “you’re the wife, you do everything” attitude. I’ve spoken to him repeatedly about this to no avail. He thinks because he does manual labor that his days are much harder than mine. He has no appreciation for my work load, what I deal with, etc. because I “just sit in an office”. So I work 8 1/2 hours Monday through Friday, and come home each night and do the household stuff (including cooking, dishes, laundry), spend either Saturday or Sunday doing all the other stuff that needs to be done, and he sits on his ass.
I think it’s pretty obvious from my comments (and my situation) that I have zip, zero, nada sympathy for men who want their wives (who work) to shoulder all the other responsibilities.
Beth says:
I think men of our generation have a tendency to be self indulgent over-grown kids. Mike and my husband and a bunch of other good men excluded, of course. I don’t know why, but they didn’t grow up either being proud of their role as the man of the house (like our fathers) or embracing a new, kinder, gentler role either. They want to play video games. It seems many men feel that if they both worked outside of the home AND emptied the dishwasher they deserve a freakin’ medal.
To be fair, I think a lot of the work that women do is invisible to men. Some men think that housekeeping consists solely of grocery shopping, cooking, dishes and laundry. Run a vacuum cleaner and done-zo! When really there is so much detail work – from keeping track of how much toilet paper and toothpaste is in the house to switching out the kid’s wardrobe based on size and season- that they never know goes on. Again, I think my husband is awesome, but I’m pretty sure he thinks we have regenerating shampoo and that clothes grow with the children.
You know, I’ve done both (stay at home and working full time) and I’m pretty sure that it is WAY harder to be the stay at home parent. I mean, have you meet any children? They’re insane! Plus, there seems to be no understanding that if I work outside of the home, I work 8 hours, but if I work inside the home, I work 24? Does that seem fair?
When I had my first two babies, I tried hard to always do the nighttime stuff because my husband “had” to go to work. By my third, I was like, “Eff that! He GETS to go to work!”
All that said, I think a decent relationship shouldn’t contain the level of resentment you are describing. I really hope my husband wouldn’t think that, and I really hope your group was skewed.