“Ugh. If I see another baby photo on Facebook I think I’m gonna barf.”
The above is a typical complaint that I hear from my non-parent friends. Clearly, they find us parents pretty annoying. And you know what? They’re right. We post endless photos of our kids (always accompanied by a ridiculous caption like “Growing up so fast! Boo-hoo!”), whine about how exhausted we are, and even brag about our kid’s bowel movements (“Tommy used the potty himself today! So proud!”).
But here’s the thing, non-parents. Your Facebook posts haven’t exactly sprung from the pen of Mark Twain either. So, before you get too hot and bothered about how annoying we parents are, I present to you “The Most Annoying Things Non-Parents Do Online.”
Post Photos At Club/Bar With Drink In Hand
I get it. You’re young and love to have fun. But just how many photos do you have to post of yourself hanging on your friends, bleary-eyed, while hoisting an eleven dollar drink in the air? Also, ladies, your dad is your friend on Facebook, and he is mortified by your cleavage.
Tweet While Drunk Complete With “Adorable” Misspellings
I know that whenever I see these tweets I think, “Oh look! Bert is so drunk he can’t spell ‘the!’ Man, I miss that guy!”
Discuss Video Games/Brag About High Scores
You know how lame you think it is when we tweet about our kid’s potty time? That’s how we feel about your updates about “Call Of Duty.” Congrats on getting to Level 8 though.
Obsess Over How Many Days There Are Until “Twilight – Breaking Dawn”
Werewolves aren’t real. Neither are vampires. Or Robert Pattinson. So pipe down.
Post That You Are Going To Take A Nap
I’ll admit it – we’re just jealous that there are adults out there able to nap. But here’s the thing… naps are a rare thing to parents. Constantly hearing about naps for us would be like you constantly hearing about people winning the lottery.
Post Rap Lyrics As Your Status
What is the point of this? Are we supposed to think, “Gee, I never really understood Beth, but then she posted some lyrics by Wiz Khalifa and I suddenly saw straight into her soul!”
Take Profile Pics In Your Bathroom Mirror
As cute as you may look, do you really want to post a photo of your toilet on the Internet?
Use Texting Style Abbreviations
U ppl need 2 stop with this. It B str8 ^ ridic.
_______
What do you say, non-parents? Can we agree to co-exist peacefully? If you say “yes” I promise to not tweet about Annie’s potty training. Well, at least not until she goes in the pot all by herself. That, I’m afraid, will be totally post/tweet worthy.
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this post – you are so funny Mike
In a cyber-world where you can’t fill up the ‘silence’ with silly antics and coffee, pointless text is the only viable substitute. The internet is full of stuff that doesn’t really need to be said because people just want to have a presence. I don’t have a Twitter account because I never felt the need, nor had the time, to document each moment of my day for others to enjoy. Those who need to know are there WITH me, usually watching me pour coffee all over the papers I’m supposed to be marking. (Which would be totally tweet-worthy but not in a good way.)
I say talk about what interests you. That way, you draw people in who also want to talk about the delights of toddler toilet training. Or, more importantly in the case of your blog, it’ll be stuff that you want to reread later and Annie will thoroughly enjoy hearing all about at her 16th birthday so it should be thoroughly documented. As a non-parent, I love hearing parenting stories but I do admit that might just be an occupational necessity. Or masochism. One or the other.
Mike, you’re hilarious! And spot on.
I am so glad I’m not guilty of any of those things! except the naps… man I love naps. Personally, I love the baby photo deluge that my facebook has turned into! I love hearing about peoples’ parenting experiences and gushing about a good ole chubby baby any day.
Emily´s last [type] ..The Journey to the center of Manhattan
(did your purposely misspell “mispellings?”)
I wish I could say I meant too. Oops. Stupid irony.
Just fixed it…
(you wish you could say you meant “TO.” gahhh! someone take this English degree, editing addiction away from me!)
Like a character in a Dilbert cartoon, my name is Anne L. Retentive.
I don’t have kids, but I don’t post the other types of pix or statuses either on FB or Twitter, so nothing else really to offer!
I think in your original comment you meant to say “you”, not “your”.
Mommy´s last [type] ..Adorable
hee! good one!
SPOHR!!! I’m totally counting down to Twilight, as a matter of fact there are 41 hours until the midnight premiere here in Houston. Woot, woot!!
You know you still love me anyways!
AmazingGreis´s last [type] ..A Year Older…
You’re hilarious! So true.. so true. My husband and I are child-less, but I don’t mind my friends’ status updates about their children… probably because I do the same about my DOG. haha He’s my child substitute, and I am guilty about posting too much about him.
Sarah @ { rad: renovations are dirty }´s last [type] ..Dining Room: Crown Moulding is Up!
ROFLMAO this is awesome and soooooooooo true!!!! TY Mike for speaking up!!!!!!!
I am child-less and the things other people post about their kids are my favorite Facebook updates
I would rather be able to watch a baby grow from afar than be witness to the latest drunk escapades of Facebook friends anyday…in fact, I am kind of bummed when I know someone had a baby and they never post a picture!
Catharina´s last [type] ..Mondays in Paris ::: Paris in the Fall
A-freaking-men!
Staci´s last [type] ..wordless wednesday
LOVE THIS! I especially hate the multiple pictures in the bathroom mirror. I can definitely tell how a person feels about their looks by counting how many pictures of themselves they post at random times on facebook.
Amen on the Twilight stuff! I read the books and loved them but the movies are no where near as good.
This is hilarious! I think I’m guilty of doing both the parent and non-parent postings.
You crack me up! And you couldn’t be any more right. The one that most got me was about the lyrics…..I’m so far past cool that I usually don’t even realize a song is being quoted. So then I’m all confused and wondering what in the heck the person is trying to say! I’d add one thing to your list: I do not give a crap about how many miles you just ran, how much weight you just lifted, what kind of class you just did at the gym……and the repeat offenders are the worst. Maybe I need to start posting every time I do a load of laundry or take a kid to basketball practice.
Great post, Mike! I love your articulate writing style.
You really nailed it on this one — what’s the deal with people wanting to put up Facebook pictures of their drunk selves all the time? To be quite honest, I would be happy if pictures of my past youthful indiscretions could be erased from my own mind — and praise be that there is no photographic evidence of my bar hopping days plastered all over a cyber album.
And as far as the pictures which are snapped in the bathroom mirror… people, get over yourselves! It’s a big world, get out and get a life!
Thanks for the chuckle, Mike. And now, I think I’ll be stretching out to take a nap…
Love this, but have to object to the Twilight one. My sister and I (both parents) have discussed the new Twilight movie on facebook. I mean, c’mon, you can be a parent and love the books. I can’t wait for the movie. We just haven’t decided if we are too old to go to the midnight showing (especially since I have to be up at 5:30 the next morning).
I guess I’m lucky – I don’t have anyone on my FB friends list who does any of this stuff. No parent overshare on my friends list either.
Interesting post. As a 20 year old non-parent, I hear a lot of my friends bitch and moan about their parent friends. While I’m not always all that interested in little Timmy’s latest boo-boo, I find it kind of interesting to see what parents are willing to tell the world about their children. Honestly, I’d much rather hear about play dates and teething than try to decipher whatever it is my friends write when they try to show the world that they’re “deep”.
Though, I’d like to ask, is it just me or has there been a ridiculous amount of babies born this year? I can count at least 11 whose parent’s I know personally, and dozens others I know of… Was 2010 secretly a a really awesome year?
Last time I checked, Facebook had an “unsubscribe” button. So what are those non-parents complaining about?
May I add a pet – no pun intended – peeve of mine? Pictures of cats and dogs being “cute” (now I feel a bit sheepish!).
Hysterical. I LOVE this!
Wha?? But vampires do exist!! And the sparkle too!!!!
Love this. Along with “Feeling weary, going to nap now,” my favorites are Adults in Swimwear and Gourmet Meals Cooked for Two.
Chara´s last [type] ..Mixer Monday: A Martha Stewart-esque Dream, Shattered
“Obsess Over How Many Days There Are Until “Twilight – Breaking Dawn”
Awwwwwkwarrrrdddd.
Brittany´s last [type] ..Breaking Dawn, Duh.
hehehehehe – coincidence?
cynthia´s last [type] ..Nooooooo…. El Buli
I’m just not a big fan of the ridiculous parents who do things such as “mommy-jack”. For instance, you can say “Things are looking up!” and then you get 9 random comments from people saying, “You must not have a kid, I was up at 4 am because of the time change!” or “It’s easy for things to be looking up when you aren’t changing diapers!”
Nope. I’m infertile. So thank you for commenting on EVERY SINGLE THING I DO with a remark about how you hate/love parenting.
That, my friend, drives me crazy! That being said, I don’t get rap lyrics or the misspelled thing at all. Or drunk updates. Or, worst of all, the “woe is me” statuses…from anyone!
Rachel´s last [type] ..And Just Like That, He’s Back…
If you don’t want to see the photos of my children, un-subscribe to my status updates on Facebook. Simple.
I don’t even have kids, but really people?
“Werewolves aren’t real. Neither are vampires. Or Robert Pattinson.”
HA! so true
OMG You so totally hit the nail on the head, with all of these! They ALL drive me crazy. Along with the people who do nothing but COMPLAIN all day about everything. They never have a positive thing to say! And the people who post EVERY single thing they do and every thought they have, all day long! SO ANNOYING!
I am one of those that are always putting up pictures of my kids though
I LOVE this post!!
So if I can photos of my wardrobe, Annie can help me put together some great outfits yes?
Love her snow-bunny outfit with the pom-pom boots and her elfin swirl with the mug (that looks like it would be full of hot cocoa with marshmallows :0) and her layered outfit with the jeans, vest and white moccasins! So this is how fashionistas start out!
Crap. Copy and paste that comment on the appropriate posts, please!
Karen´s last [type] ..Holly Jolly Christmas cards
u jus jells u cant nap *belch* time 2 go plai Skyrim
Okay seriously, I only plead guilty to posting about naps.
Angela´s last [type] ..Three months old
Yes! I don’t mind any of those things on occasion but people who do them repeatly – really annoying.
I’m a non-parent and don’t mind cute pictures of your kid as long as you don’t post ALL of them (you know the ones – child with ball looking right, child with ball looking left, child with ball looking at camera…).
UHOH! Guilty! I’m just a taaaaaaad bit excited about Breaking Dawn! Just because I mention it everday, upload many Edward images and make them my profile pictures, post the song about it and possibly once or twice called myself Lisa Cullen does not mean I’m obsessed!!
Or the fact that my 6 year old has been running through the house with his hair a mess yelling “Bella”!! But hey I have 3 kids so maybe I can just chalk it up to being crazy! LOL
Dude, this is sooo beyond true! Love this entry so much!
Kristin´s last [type] ..Challenges
Haha, so true! Your funny Spohr. Your posts make me smile
I’m not a parent, but not guilty of any of the non-parent offenses, either. May I suggest you read the blog STFUparents? It’s hilarious, and shows you some parents worth complaining about. Picture Of your baby? Cool! Picture if your baby’s poop? Over the line.
Big.Fat.LIKE.
I would marry this post.
Totally a parent who has been obsessing over the premiere of Breaking Dawn and RobPat is totally real!! Take it back!!
Agree with the rest though especially the rap lyrics and text shorthand crap.
Now that is an awesome post.
My sister’s friends (she’s childless) are all child haters, so any little thing mentioned about children and they are all over the post, freaking out about how “breeders” are so idiotic. Sigh. I could care less if they don’t like kids, but I don’t understand why they are so very anti other people having kids. In case they hadn’t noticed, someone had to think it was a half decent idea to have them!
Expat Mom´s last [type] ..Kids on Babies
I am a non parent and I completely agree. I’d much rather see adorable kids then all things mentioned above.
100% certain that parents do all of the above.
Wait until you reach your late 30′s… My childless non married university friends post about their cats – boring and very sad. One has gone so far to make her cat a facebook page. Needless to say, I have very little in common with this friend and have hidden her status in my news feed.
You don’t have to be in your late 30′s to have “friends” who make their cats facebook pages – mid 20′s people do it too. I refused to befriend a friends cat and they got offended. They are no longer a facebook friend :p
Well stated!
Audra´s last [type] ..Some Pig
And the pictures in the mirror? 95% of the women who post them make that ridiculous fish mouth. Ugh!
This might be my favorite post ever. Though, as a non-parent, I have to say… Breaking Dawn was awesome!!
You forgot to mention pet posts. One of my friends is either posting photos of her pets, statuses about how vegan she is, or commenting on how socially irresponsible it is to ever have children.
I guess I shouldn’t say “friend” because I blocked her a few weeks ago after a rant about how sick she was of seeing pregnant women… and then posted an album of her pure bred dogs in their Halloween costumes. Gag! I’ll take baby photos any day.
Amanda M.´s last [type] ..Milestones
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