Among the many difficult things Heather and I had to do in the wake of Maddie’s passing was figure out where in our home we would keep her remains. This was as hard as you might imagine.
We had many questions. “Where do you keep someone who means so much to you?” “Is one room more meaningful than another?” “Is there a ‘wrong’ place to put an urn?”
Initially we placed Maddie’s urn on a table in our main room and surrounded it with photos of her. This seemed like the best option at the time as many people who loved Maddie visited us each day, and this gave them the opportunity to pay her their respects.
Once things quieted down we decided to move Maddie’s urn and photos into our bedroom. This not only kept Maddie’s urn safe, but also allowed us to feel like she was with us each night. “Goodnight, Maddie,” we’d say before we turned out the light. “We love you.”
Upon buying the new home, however, I realized we needed to find the perfect place for Maddie’s urn since this might be the home we live in for the rest of our lives. I soon spotted a great built-in shelf in the main room:
Just to the right of the balloon.
“Maybe that is the perfect place for Maddie’s urn,” I thought. People who loved Maddie could pay their respects to her, and she would be in the main room… forever part of the family.
Heather wasn’t so sure though. She worried about how Annie would feel to have her deceased sister’s urn literally looming over her as she grew up. That might be a troubling experience for a child. Heather also worried that it might be unsettling to some of our guests.
After discussing this for a while I eventually agreed Heather was right. The last thing I want is for Annie to feel uncomfortable in her own home.
It’s a very personal decision where to place the urn of a loved one in the home. For another family the main room may be the right choice. For now at least, we have chosen to put Maddie in our bedroom once again.
As for that built-in shelf area in our main room? We have filled it with photos of our entire family. There are photos of Maddie, but also me, Heather, Annie, and even Rigby. While it may be impossible in this lifetime, it is nice to be able to look over and see us all together in one place.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Mike & Heather,
Although I whole heartedly believe Maddie is with you all in spirit every single day, I’m so sad & sorry she isn’t with you in the physical sense. I’m so sorry to see your whole family unit, you have to look over at a shelf instead of in the playroom as your beautiful little girls play with each other. I’m so sorry you even had to think about where to even place Maddie’s urn in the first place. Life is so unfair sometimes….I guess that’s why no one ever said “Life is easy”!!! Thinking of you my friends and sending you both a supportive cyber hug!!!
The fact that you so carefully considered where to put Maddie’s urn shows that, no matter where it goes, Annie is going to grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted little girl. You and Heather have both shown in so many ways that you love and respect BOTH of your daughters and are raising Annie to know and love Maddie, but not to feel like she is “looming” over her in any way. Like Heather said in a post awhile back, she is the mother that most of us wish we were.
I ‘ve said this before, but I really appreciate the honesty that both of you bring to this blog.
Audra´s last [type] ..The Calm Before the Grading
Megan is in our room beside her picture. It comforts me at times to look over and tell her goodnight as well.
These are really just thought no one should ever have to have
Amber´s last [type] ..Shhh…It’s A Secret
I think the bedroom is perfect.
Not because I think Annie would be damaged by her being there in the living room and not because i don’t think people need to get over their discomfort in that regard, but because I know how much co-sleeping with Maddie meant to both of you. It’s fitting she’s in your bedroom.
Awww I really wish she was with you in the physical world to and it makes me so happy that you guys want to keep her safe….what a great place to keep Maddies urn in your bedroom…. I LOVE the pictures on the shelf of the family!!!
We, too, keep the urn of our child’s ashes in a decorative box (along with his footprints) on the top of our dresser. That way I see it every day, but it’s not a focal point for our three other children. I don’t think there’s any one right answer…
I had my daughter’s ashes sealed in a bag and placed inside her favorite stuffed monkey that she loved so much. The monkey sits in my bedroom behind a glass door in our headboard beside a picture of my daughter and a couple fav children’s books. It’s a peaceful, happy place for her to be.
I think you guys made a good choice. Having her in your room allows you to feel her closeness each night as you go to bed. And filling that built in with photos of everyone, that is a great idea, all together.
Lisa´s last [type] ..Wearing Anna Around Town
I think your careful consideration when making this decision speaks volumes as to the cailber of parents you and Heather truly are.
I love the built in shelf and the beautiful photos. It’s perfect. With so much newness going on for everyone with the move, I think keeping Maddie near you both was a good call.
(((HUGS))) to you all
I agree… the built in shelf with all the beautiful pictures = perfect!
Having Maddie in your room = priceless.
You guys are so sweet and thoughtful and loving- such amazing parents to both of your sweet girls. They knew what they were doing when they picked you and Heather.
Love to you both!
ps. I love that you have Rigby’s picture with the *real* Santa from the Janss Mall! <3
Mommy´s last [type] ..Love for Animals
I love your solution. It would be freaky for a kid to have her sister’s cremains sitting in the living room, especially when she gets older and has friends over.
I can imagine the conversation:
Friend: “What’s in there?”
Annie: “My sister’s ashes. She died before I was born.”
Friend: “Gross! Your family is creepy. I’m going home.”
Interesting…
I get the opposite reaction than @Jill to the thought of telling friends that my sister had died before I was born and that we had built a small shrine to her in our favorite room of the home. I would hope that my parents would keep her close and be inclusive at holiday times.
YMMV
In the interests of disclosure I lost my sister less than three years ago very suddenly and unexpectedly.