I no longer drink, and, most days, I am totally fine with that. On the days that I attend a wedding, however, being a non-drinker becomes a whole heck of a lot harder. Luckily, I have discovered a number of tricks to survive the eight hours among an open bar and hundred plus drunken guests. Here are a few that got me through my friends Kim and Tim’s incredible wedding this weekend!
TRICK #1: Eat, eat, eat. While other guests use the occasion as an excuse to act like an alcoholic, I use it as an excuse to act like a foodaholic! The minute the ceremony finished this weekend, for example, I planted myself outside the kitchen and laid in waiting for the servers to appear with the appetizers. Soon I was gorging on deviled eggs, mac and cheese bites, and pulled pork sliders! Mmmm. Wedding appetizers. They might be my favorite food in the world.
Pro tip – If at some point a server doesn’t say to you, “Sir, we have other guests to serve too,” then you aren’t eating enough!
Appetizers from my wedding.
TRICK #2: Keep eating! Think of all the calories you are saving by skipping the fattening booze, then give yourself permission to keep pigging out long after the appetizer hour is finished.
Pro tip – During dinner sit, if possible, next to an empty seat like I did this weekend. The staff set a steak down in front of it, and guess who got to polish off this extra meal? This guy!
TRICK #3: Play detective! Drunk people tend to say things they will regret later, and the non-drinker will be clear headed enough to remember each and every one of them! Be a good listener and you will have plenty of juicy gossip to regale your friends with for weeks to come… “Guess what Doug admitted last night? He has hair plugs!”
Pro tip – A good detective will also use his or her cell phone to snap embarrassing photos of drunk friends making a fool of themselves on the dance floor.
Guests (and me) embarrassing themselves on the dance floor at my wedding!
TRICK #4: Be a cabbie! – Driving drunk party guests home not only keeps your friends safe, but they often offer gas money! Money for gas these days is a very, very good thing.
Pro tip – Stick sick bags in your car’s seat back pockets. They are a must when transporting very full and drunk party guests.
TRICK #5: Impress the bride and groom! Instead of having to say, “Your wedding was awesome… what I remember of it,” your sobriety allows you to to mention actual details about how great the wedding was the next time you see the bride and groom. “Your grandfather’s toast after dinner? So touching...”
Pro tip – Bring a pad and paper to take notes. If you’re gonna butter up the newlyweds you might as well go all out!
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Mike you’re so funny, but this is so true! I attended a wedding in April and we had 2 empty seats! I love food, and took full advantage of the food!! I ate 3 salads and 2 dinners! lol!
Lea´s last [type] ..Happy Things
Thanks so much for this post! I think all of my friends are married, so I don’t see myself going to any weddings in the near future. However, I just made the decision to stop drinking a little over a week ago and I really appreciate reading about how it is possible to still go to places where 90% of the guests are drinking and have a good time. I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago (although looking back I’ve had it since I was a kid…I guess it just wasn’t “invented” in the early 80s) and the meds I’m on really don’t work as well if I drink. This might not be anything more than a mild curiousity for me, if I didn’t have two little girls who deserve a mama who brings her “A” game every day. So I stopped because they deserve the best and I need to keep myself in the condition where I can give it.
Audra´s last [type] ..Chalkin’ It Up
Love it! Mike, this is great for pregnant party guests too – except the pro tip might be that they keep barf bags at all times.
Hilarious, thanks for a funny start to my morning!
You are a recovering alcoholic like me? Now I love you even more! Watch it, Heather….. heehee
Congratulations on your sobriety! That is terrific. Keep up the great work, and thanks for sharing.
haha! this was very funny. I liked tip #3 playing detective, and pro tip taking pics with your cell. I love reading this blog, you two crack me up and I love, love your videos too!
Good for you Mike, glad you enjoyed the wedding.
I, on the other hand, never started drinking and I am 58 years old! Oh, I will have the occasional New Year’s Eve drink but it takes me all night to finish it. Just never got the taste for alcohol. But I have been to many parties and yes, drunken friends can make for either a really good time, or a really bad time. Sometimes people can really behave badly.
I always have a really good time and I drink Diet Coke at weddings and parties. But the food! Ah the food! I am so with you on that. I could eat appetizers all night (I can’t spell horse de overes) lol.
Kim and Tim – that’s cute. We have a couple in town who are Teri and Terry. Go figure!
Hugs from Minnesota
Marie
Love this!! Very funny
While I do occasionally drink, I am often the sober friend/DD at these college parties fellow college kids are so fond of.
I love this post!! I am also so glad to hear that the steak didn’t go un-eaten! I mean…we already paid for that – I am glad it found a good home! …And, that was my Dad (not Grandpa), should I tell him that my friend Mike thinks he looks really old? Just kidding!
Aww, that is my brother George in the blue shirt in your last photo!
http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2011/09/28/how-i-kicked-my-coke-habit/?hpt=hp_c2
Unrelated to the article but I thought of you!
Good luck w/your sobriety — if you stick with it it gets easier and the food/DC crutch becomes unnecessary.
C
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