There’s an ebb and flow to grieving. On the better days grief is manageable and I carry it around like something in my pocket – there but tucked safely away. Unfortunately, those days always lead back to the ones I am having now where grief looms large, pushing down on everything I say or do.
On the better days I try not to linger too long on photos or videos of Madeline. On days like these, however, I find myself lost in her photos and videos for hours at a time. Seeing her face and hearing her voice again is wonderful, but also incredibly painful. It makes the horror of what happened so real by putting before my eyes the very thing I am missing the most.
Last night I had a dream where Annabel and Madeline were both alive and together. It wasn’t a pleasant dream though and left me unnerved when I woke. In it I remember showering Madeline with love and attention (after having not seen her for so long), but whenever I did someone would come over and tell me to leave her alone. “She’s going to die,” they would say. “Don’t you understand? She’s going to die.” We can all play armchair Freudian analyst and try to decipher the dream’s meaning, but in the end its only definitive meaning is that this whole situation sucks.
And yet I have to somehow keep moving forward. Annie made that clear this morning when she crawled over and made a funny face at me. Our normal routine is for me to make the face back at her, but this morning I wasn’t in the mood. After a second or two of Annie staring at me in anticipation though I knew I couldn’t let her down, so I forced myself to make the funny face. Annie, just like all the other times, giggled and giggled. I don’t like having to fake my way through things, but in days like these it is the only way I can get by.
I know in my head that these days will somehow turn into more manageable ones… its just hard to convince my heart.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Mike, I have nothing to say, but… hugs.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last [type] ..Blessed are the peacemakers
Sending hugs to you, Mike. The fact that you are willing to fake it for Annie’s sake shows how much you love her, love both your girls.
I’ve told my mom about your site several times because I love it and a few weeks ago Maddie came up because of a post I was talking about. When I told her what happened to Maddie, she started speaking but then couldn’t finish because she was overcome with emotion.
She wanted me to tell you how heartbroken she is for your loss but then I just wasn’t sure how to bring it up in a comment. So forgive me if it’s inappropriate now. But I just wanted you to know how Maddie has touched so many.
I wish Maddie could be back in your arms.
Elle´s last [type] ..My in-laws are coming and I’ve already reserved a spot for myself in the psych ward
She doesn’t know you’re faking it. Maybe when she’s seven she will, but she doesn’t now. Sometimes love is faking it.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..In defense of a good story
Love and hugs Mike.
wishing you peace during the difficult times
We all fake it sometimes. Don’t feel guilty. I’m happy to see you writing more here.
(((hugs)))
AmazingGreis´s last [type] ..TGIF…
Nothing funny about managing what’s in your pocket. I have done what you describe…and I do it with the kids who are here, too. It seems very natural to get mired in missing what you do and don’t have. It gives me a bit of peace, even so at this point in my life. It does get easier.
You fake it because you love her. And you keep going because you love them both. No words can change how you feel or perhaps even make you feel just a little bit better. Hopefully you can find some kind of comfort in the fact that so many people care about you and your family.
I think that every parent fakes it sometimes. We all have other things pulling on our minds and attention that takes us away from our children. Whatever it takes for you to deal with that grief in your pocket–Annie would understand.
Resilience is truly one of the greatest attributes of the human spirit, and I see that you have it in abundance. Annie will be proud when she realizes what you went through and what an amazing father you were able to be.
Sending my love to you and your family!
I don’t really know what to say to you, but I just wanted you to know how much your family means to me. I know we don’t know each other, but I also know that our hearts understand each other. I hope the love we (all your internet fans/friends) feel for you helps in some small way.
Sending love.
bessie.viola´s last [type] ..uncharted territory
Big, big hugs, Mike.
I am so sorry that I don’t have any words to offer you. I feel so inadequate after reading your post (and Heather’s too) today.
Just know that prayers and good thoughts come your way all the time from my family in Florida. For what it’s worth.
Mike I hope what I am going to say will make sense and I am saying it to try and comfort you (I knpow that is really not possible)
My family and I believe that when we dream about people who have passed It is actually the spirit of the person visitng us. They do it in out sleep beacause we would not be able to handel it awake. So when I dream ab out someone who as passed I take it to mean that I did see or spend time with someone. I want this to mean that you might have spent time with her last night and you saw her. The voices or people you heard might have been your own voice (brain) in your head telling you this. IDK…It sucks that you can only see Maddie in your dreams but try to view this as a way for you to see her and visit with her again. I hope that this post was a form of compassion and not upsetting to you.
(((((hugs)))))))))
domestic extraordinaire´s last [type] ..My Anxiety Caused by Tunnels
I too, believe that when someone who has died is in a dream it is a visit from that person. This dream sounds scary, but just try to hold onto the moments in it when you were holding and loving Maddie. I so, so wish s measure of peace for you and Heather. I pray that you begin to have more good days than bad. Blessings, Megan
Megan@TrueDaughter´s last [type] ..Count Down to 40 – 12 Days to Go!
I second that belief! Those who leave us are never truly gone, and they do pay us visits now and again. I think they somehow hope to reassure us, since we cannot touch them in the physical sense. Sending love and prayers your way!
Someone told me that if you keep going through the motions, eventually they won’t just be motions; there will be meaning behind them again. It’s such an exhausting process, though, living in the moment, taking things a day at a time, living day by day and just trying to make it through without imploding under the weight of grief. I’m so sorry that you’re walking this path; I’m grateful that you are willing to put your story out there.
Sometimes the definition of love IS faking it. Doing things for the people you love because it makes them happy, and for that reason only. You’re a good dad, and Heather is a good mom. Both your girls are lucky.
Love you.
You fake it because you want Annie to giggle and be happy!
Hoping that your days become more manageable.
Sending you hugs!!!
I have no other words to offer but hugs.
(((((((hugs)))))))))
I’m so sorry you guys are feeling like this. I hope things cheer up a bit for you and Heather. We are all rooting for you two and Miss Annie. Hugs*
Hugs to you and Heather. I’m sorry you both are having a difficult day.
Thoughs & Prayers
~Lisa
Maddie and Annie are both lucky girls to have you as their daddy. Your love for both will always shine through.
We all wish we could bring Maddie back to you and Heather. It is heartbreaking and the grieving process will continue for years to come. You will keep moving though – because you have to.
I’m so sorry for your hurt Mike. I wish I could bring Maddie back for all of you. I don’t know why she had to leave….it’s just so unfair. Maddie was such a light – loosing her left this cold, empty space of darkness. I’m so sorry for that. I’m so sorry things went so wrong when they should have gone so smoothly and easy that horrific day.
Please remember you are not now nor will you ever be alone in your grief. Because of you and Heather, we all feel like we know Maddie ourselves and we love, miss and ache for her too. I don’t think there is one of us who wouldn’t fight to give that little girl back to the parents who love her like NO OTHERS COULD. If only love could really build a bridge to bring her back!!! What an incredible day that would be!!!!
Thinking of you my friend and sending you my endless support and friendship.
My husband and I lost our little girl Madeline back at the end of October last year. It was absolutly heartbreaking for us and made that much more painful because I have such a hard time getting pregnant. We have been trying for 6 years, we had a miscarriage 3 years ago, they were going to be twins. I still morn them and cry about our little Madeline. It seems like nothing will take away this pain. My friend told me about your site and I thank her for that. We have no clue how to deal with the pain we have after losing her.
Mike,
I don’t know what is it like to live in a world where you have to find a new normal. I can’t imagine what it is like living without the one thing you treasured and loved most. I don’t know how anyone can go on after that, but you and Heather have. I am amazed by both of you and I am so happy that you have Annie to take just a little bit of the sadness away, even if some moments are pretend when the pain is too much. {{ hugs }}
I am so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.
Penbleth´s last [type] ..It’s a miracle! I didn’t know I HAD muscles there
for three years since i lost my first son i have been amazed (and not in a good way) that when i wake up in the morning the world is actually still spinning. losing my son and my twins has been something so crushing that i have felt the world should come to an end…there’s no way that a person should physically be able to live through something like that.
i do have a living baby now…something that has made my world start to spin again, but i fully understand the “faking it” routine. i like to call it the glass ceiling of grief. no matter how happy you are, you are never wholeheartedly happy. with every smile, there is a touch of sadness, fear, and guilt. sadness because i think of all the things i will never get to do with my other three babies…fear because i’m afraid that this happiness will be a fleeting moment…and guilt because i feel that by playing and having fun with my living son i am somehow not being fair to my three others.
i didn’t have my son or my twins nearly as long as you had your Maddie, so i can’t understand your pain in that sense. but i do understand on a different level, and all i can say is that i’m sorry…i know you hate it and it’s miserable, but i just hope that the “bad Maddie days” become fewer, and the “manageable Maddie days” become more frequent.
Samantha´s last [type] ..December 2007- Day of life 1-4