Yesterday I spent a lot of time laying on the floor next to Annie. She thought it was amazing fun, and she managed to injure me in several different ways: hair pulling, nose grabbing, eye poking, book throwing. I thought it was a relief to lay on the ground and still be able to entertain her.
I have these peaks and valleys. I’m doing well, managing it all, and then little things start piling up. Stuff that shouldn’t matter at all, and don’t individually. And just when I think I’m going to be able to ride out the dip, someone that matters dishes out a heap of selfishness with a sprinkle of douchebaggery and the bottom falls out.
So I deal by not brushing my hair and laying on the floor. Occasionally I let myself cry when Annabel isn’t looking. Then I find myself eating brown sugar out of a box because my cupcake frosting has expired (PATHETIC) and Mike has stolen my emergency peanut butter (BASTARD). And while I’m laying on the floor I realize I haven’t taken off my pajamas for three days.
My depression: it is the sexy.
Then this little hand touched my face, and I looked into her eyes:
She actually let me cuddle her and she even fell asleep in my arms.
When my wonderful husband came home he hugged me and told me he loved me, and then he set about getting me food so I could eat something besides brown sugar (which I’m pretty sure is a legit food group, but whatever).
While he and the baby played together, I laid on the couch and watched them. I just love them so much. I want to snap out of this funk. I’m tired of this roller coaster. I’d like to get off now.
Today is the last day to enter my contest for a camera! It’s open to all residents of Earth (sorry Mars)!
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Sending lots and lots of hugs. I hope you feel better soon. And I hope the hard days get further and further apart.
Melissa says:
Ditto this. I assume there will always be bad days, I just hope that there are more and more good days between them.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I’m cheering for you! And I’m adding more hugs to go along with Kate’s hugs…
Audra says:
Sending good thoughts your way! I too have been relieved by the ability to entertain little ones by laying on the ground…but my girls are a little older and heavier so the next day I find myself waking up and wondering where all of the bruises came from.
BTW brown sugar is TOTALLY a legit food group.
dysfunctional mom says:
I thought I was the only freak who ate brown sugar straight-up!
xoxo
Momma Chaos says:
Me too! I love me some brown sugar straight from the bag!
(((((hugs)))))
neeroc says:
oh ya! Or brown sugar sandwiches…or brown sugar and peanut butter sandwiches (thanks for passing on that sweet tooth grandma)
Jen says:
Isn’t it strange how sometimes our wee people just know when WE need a little cuddle.
Stephanie says:
It may be the world’s worst roller coaster but at least you don’t have to ride it alone and you have Annie there to helping you to get off and move on.
Sue says:
Just look at that beautiful, beautiful, Annie! Heather; you just amaze me with your openness, and honesty about the way that you are feeling, and lots of times it leaves me at a loss for words. I’m sure that if anyone of your friends and readers could imagine themselves in your place for just one minute; they would be reacting the very same way that you are. I hope that you can get off the roller coaster soon, too, because when they get stuck at the top; it can be a very, scary feeling. Sending soooooo much love, and many, many hugs your way.
Melanie says:
I’ve had my share of bouts of depression, but I’m sure it’s nothing compared to what you are going through. Regardless, I know how much it sucks. I know how much you want to just snap out of it, and that you would if you could. It’s so hard, and I’m so sorry.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Lisa says:
Mmmm… Brown sugah. Love it. But you gotta try it on toasted white bread with lots of butter. The. Best.
When my sister’s baby died I told her that I was pretty certain this would be the worst thing she would ever have to live through. 20 years later she assures me that it was. And still is. I cannot even begin to imagine. And I am so sad that you and she both have to live with what the rest of us cannot even imagine.
Sarah says:
“20 years later she assures me that it was. And still is.”
This is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever read. To still be floored by the grief 20 years later, to still have nothing in your life that can touch it…I hope I never have to go through it, and I wish I could take it away from your sister, Heather, and everyone else who has ever lost a child. Heather, I wish I could help. Oh, how I wish I could help.
Jen @ lifelove'n'wine says:
I’m so sorry you’re in a “dip” right now. I hope that everything levels out for you soon. I think of you and your family often.
cj says:
i am so sorry that you have to be on this ride but so glad that you have miss annabel, mike, rigby and your family to help you through.
Katie in WI says:
I’m so sorry you lost Maddie. I’m so happy you have Annie (and Mike!). I think you are doing the best you can do, and it is enough.
Claire says:
Heather I’m sending a hug your way. I hope you can start feeling better than you are feeling now, soon.
Anna Marie says:
Yesterday’s post wrenched my heart and I just cried for you, for Mike and for Maddie. Today, I am hoping that the peaks and valleys can start to even out, can start to look like sand dunes instead of Himalayas.
Hugs to you all.
Mary Ann says:
With all that you have been through in the past two years I think it’s pretty safe to say that laying on the floor wearing the same pj’s for 3 days is actually “normal”. You continue to inspire me with your openess and honesty. I wish I had magic words to help you out of your depression, having been there myself I know there are none. It makes me crazy when someone says just snap out of it, if I could I don’t you think I would. I think sometimes depression is a way of your body saying slow down, relax, I am on overload right now. Only you will know when you can begin to take baby steps back to “happy”. I hope you feel better soon, you are an amazing mother and such an inspiration to me. I am truly sorry that you are hurting so badly now – sending hugs your way.
rachel cortest says:
Hope that you are feeling better soon. This is so normal. I thought that the second year was much harder than the first because I realized that Tomás was not going to magically appear at the front door where he lives all 15 years. Be gentle with yourself, as you are doing by lying next to that beautiful baby. People do not understand that having another child does not replace the one who died. They do not understand that just because you have five other kids, it does not make losing that one child easier. Yes, it helps. It gives us a reason to live. And I pray that they will never know or understand this pain and this feeling of despair. On a positive note, since the four year anniversary in May, it has been easier. Time helps but it does not EVER heal us, or at least that is the general consensus in TCF and other support groups. Wrapping understanding arms around you and hoping for a good day for you today.
gemini-Girl says:
Depression is a fucking bitch.
I heart you always.
Wish I could be closer.. I would brush your hair and give you a spoon for the brown sugar… because that’s what friends are for.
joanna says:
“douchebaggery”= my new favorite word of the week! you can’t help but love that little girl, she’s gorgeous!
Sandy says:
I hardly ever comment. I do however, quietly cheer you on. You can do it. I know it. You have the prettiest children. Stay strong, you’ll be ok.
Jenn says:
Hand out, ready to be grabbed!! You WILL get through this Heather….one tiny step at a time. I’m so so very proud of you for being so BRAVE, open and for getting your feelings, as hard as they may be out. I’m sorry your Maddie isn’t here. I’m sorry someone is sucking so badly during your time of need. I’m sorry Mike ate your peanut butter (hey, do you want me to send you some from Canada?!?!?). Mostly though, I’m just sorry you are hurting so deeply and there is very little any of us can do to help you up, other then to remind you are NOT alone.
Sending you lots and lots of Hugs, Love and friendship.
I’m right here Heather – just take my hand and together we will get through this….one tiny second at a time.
Love,
Jenn & the Fam. xoxo
Cristie Ritz King says:
Even on your rollercoaster you manage to expertly use the word douchebaggery, which is why I love you. I’m sorry for your ride, but from the outside it seems you are weathering way better than you think. You are an incredible mom. A tough ass lady and a wonderful wife to continually notice how great your man is (despite the peanut butter theft) even when you are thick in the blue. I have nothing to say that may help and for that I am sorry. I just felt compelled after the last few days to throw my hat in the ring of support from an actual stranger but a virtual friend.
Cheering for you to throw on the East Coast.
Cristie
Cake says:
Heather no worries, for some of us three days in the same pajamas is just called the weekend. Annie knows she is loved (and oh my she is super sweet), and she looks to be one happy little cookie! Thinking of you today and everyday.
Tamela says:
I think your ability to write about your funks, ugliness, dips, and rollercoaster rides shows that you have a lot more strength than you know. Just want to send you a virtual hug to help you through this.
krystal says:
I second this, you do have tremendous strength and grace. And even though I’m sure it dosn’t help much just know you have all these virtual hugs going out to you everywhere and all the time.
Veronika says:
I’m so sad to hear that you’re at the bottom of the roller coaster again. Annie is a great reason to keep on getting up and I’m sorry to hear that someone hurt you. Take care.
Lisa says:
Sending you mountains of love. I hope the ride slows down soon so you can hop off. Hugs.
Mara Raman says:
Hi Heather, I love you all- and have been a long time lurker on here. I’ve read every single blog post you have and can totally empathize with you.
I lost my young son as well- years ago. Then my husband a few years after we had our 2nd child. It’s been a heart breaking experience. And I must say that- it’s been prayer that’s gotten me through. I hope you don’t get offended by this, but it’s really what has helped me. Also- knowing that no matter how far down you dip sometimes that you don’t know however you’re going to get out- you will, somehow. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down- even if it feels like you’re down most of the time.
Hang in there and things will be all right.
We love you, and so does the Supreme Friend.
Neeroc says:
I’m sorry the douchebaggery got you, that you weren’t able to ride it out. You just keep lying on the floor and let that sweet babe poke you in the eye for as long as you both need it.
Sarah P says:
I haven’t had to deal with the grief you’ve lived.
But I have had depression, postpartum and otherwise.
One of the best pieces of advice I got from my therapist was that sometimes it’s harder to fight it. It can be exhausting. He said it’s like being stuck in a wad of gum. He told me to allow myself to just sit in it for a day, without feeling guilty about doing it, without fighting against it. It helps sometimes.
Sending all good energy your way.
MamaCas says:
Sounds like solid advice.
Lamb says:
I’m here with a big ol’ virtual hug for you!
*HUG*
It seems 100% understandable that you would feel this way sometimes. Reading your post today and yesterday, it sounds to me like this funk is on its way out.
And, for future reference, nothing beats a mixture of white, brown, and powdered sugar! I used to make it as a snack all the time when I was little. Can you believe my mom didn’t stop me??
Nicol says:
My heart breaks for you and your family. Please know that you all are in my thoughts.
Angie says:
Hugs today and every day
Lisa from WV says:
Not much a stranger from across the US can say to cheer you up I’m sure, but this stranger is thinking about you and praying for you. Just keep holding on.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
Sweetie. Sending lots of love your way. Been there many times, and I know it sucks.
Kim says:
Hugs from me!! I hope that jackass of a rollercoaster lets you off soon. Sorry someone is being so shitty. Thinking of you today and everyday!!
Mrs. Wilson says:
I’m so sorry it’s such a roller coaster. I agree with a previous commenter – I find my depression worsens when I try hard to fight it instead of just letting myself go through it. So glad you have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter to help you through.
Bec @ Bad Mummy says:
Depression sucks arse. Lots of love.
Beth says:
It is the absolute worst when “your friend” turns out not the be. I have been constantly dissapointed by “friends” in my life. Luckily, you have your family who will be there even if you are eating brown sugar while you are laying on the floor.
Deborah says:
I’m sorry, Heather. I wish I had a magic wand to change everything, but we both know I don’t. Just know that I’m thinking about you down here in Alabama.
(((hugs)))
Alexandria says:
Hi Heather,
I am a daily reader but do not comment often. I just wanted to let you know that I pray for your family often and I am thankful to you for some many reasons. I am currently expecting and because of you I will never take any day I have with my family for granted. I look at your images and they inspire me to do the same. The pictures are priceless. I want you to know how important you are to all of us readers who dont know you personally. Just know you touch so many lives as your Maddy does. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Sending you good thoughts today. *_*
Jenni Williams says:
Be gentle with yourself, you are incredibly strong, but you don’t have to be all the time. It’s okay to be depressed and to feel weak, we all are here to support you.
giselle says:
*hug* Heather. I’ve been there – where you’re in this deep funk where you know you have wonderful things in your life but for some reason you just can’t snap out of the horrible feelings (understandably, of course, as you’ve had horrible things happen). I’m so glad that Mike is taking good care of you. I don’t know if you’re on depression meds or not, but I hope that you consider them if you’re not. And if you are, go see your doc for an adjustment! I take effexor xr and it’s done wonders for me and it was able to pull me out of my funk a couple of years ago and has been able to keep me out. It did the same thing for a friend of mine. In the mean time, just try to remember that you’re wonderful and you have a family that loves you and they think the world of you. They can’t live without you!
monica says:
wishing there were words to help you. I’ve dealt with depression and it is not fun. The hardest part is people say dumb stuff to you and they have zero understanding of what it is like. Sending you a huge bear hug !
Elizabeth says:
I wish I had the words to say…..
Adrianne says:
I’ve started this comment, then erased it, then started again. I don’t know what to say because I know the words of a random internet stranger don’t mean much, but maybe they mean something. And maybe that something helps you get through another dip in the ride.
Just know that there are people all over the globe who love your Maddie, who miss her even though they never met her, who smile when they see her gorgeous face, and who are ALL cheering for you, Mike and Annie. I hope tomorrow is better and you find yourself inching your way to the top of that rollercoaster… better yet, I hope you can get off that rollercoaster and find more stable ground.
leena says:
Heather
You’re allowed to have bad days- your allowed to have days when you feel like everything sucks and even feel mean.
It’s wonderful that you want to try and put on a brave face every day, and be there for your friends and family with a smile and seem like your getting through it all as best as you can, but honestly with what has happened to you and Mike it’s not fair for either of you to expect that somedays the best you can do is lay on the floor .
I’m glad you have Mike to be strong when you can’t be and sweet , beautiful Annie to help you see through to the other side. You are blessed greatly but you’ve also gone through great pain, so don’t be too hard on yourself.
Even when you’re not at your best, you are still one of heck of a woman. I was reading /watching your hair tutorial the other day and thinking – she’s amazing, she inspires me to be the best mom i can while having great hair at the same time. love , love, love you!
Kristin says:
Sending you much love. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. But just know so many people love you and are here for you. I know that doesn’t make up for it all. And although I am not going through anything like you are, I too and in a deep dark funk, and your words always help me.
Libby says:
Sending you love. You’re getting thru the days and sometimes that’s all you can do. You are amazing – even if you don’t feel like it today.
Marie says:
Hi Heather,
I’ve been reading your blog for over a year now, and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your family’s story with all of us, especially Maddie. I’ve been depressed as well, though never over a loss as great as yours, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of it’s that the feeling will pass, and you will feel better.
Much love to you!
Jodee says:
I tend toward depression. I have not experienced what you are going through but I know the up and down part of it… It’s so hard to pull yourself out of that funk. So glad you have Mike and such a sweet Annie ..=-) big hug xoxoxoxo
Alison says:
So much love to you, Mike, Maddie, and Annie always. You are such a great mom to Annie, being present and engaged for her. But I agree with other comments above. Sometimes a day where you don’t fight it can make the next day of fighting it a little easier. I’m no medical or mental health professional though. Just somebody who would mail you brown sugar by the ton if it would make things just a tiny bit easier for you.
xoxo
Tammy says:
Heather,
I wondered if you ever felt this way. I wondered how you couldn’t feel this way. Even without this: “…someone that matters dishes out a heap of selfishness with a sprinkle of douchebaggery and the bottom falls out.”
I’m sorry someone did that. I’m glad you have that sweet face to pull you through.
Kristin says:
Oh Heather…lots and lots of {{{hugs}}} and prayers for you.
Jenn says:
I wish I had some magical powers to reverse time I am so sorry.
BUT…I don’t think there is a person here who wouldn’t love to be in a funk with the lovely Annabel! Those eyes!! Oh my!! She is just gorgeous. My heart swoons when I see her pictures.
I hope her hugs help pull you out, and if not, keep hugging her! They will!
Alicia says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. It sucks hairy balls. That’s about the best thing I can say about it. Hairy balls.
Terri says:
Im sorry. I w?sh there was someth?ng br?ll?ant I could say that would make you feel better or I w?sh I had a mag?c wand to wave over you and g?ve you back whats been stolen from you. Hugs to you and your beaut?ful Annie. She can change the whole world w?th her sm?le.
Kristi F says:
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Hope things look up again very soon.
tara says:
i’m so sorry heather. even though i don’t comment a lot anymore, you and your family are always in my thoughts. sometimes things just suck. but i hope it helps to know that there are strangers, like me, who just want your world to be beautiful. xo
Tara says:
Don’t feel too bad about allowing yourself days like these. They suck but sometimes you need to allow yourself to face the awful feelings head on in order to appreciate the other days more. I hope you never have another day like it, but sadly because days like this are inevitable for most people, all you can do is make sure you have fresh frosting in the house. Hugs to you.
Jodie B says:
Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you. Hope the roller coaster starts to slow down a little.
Glenda says:
Heather….sending you hugs…and hoping that there are more good sunny days than sad gloomy ones… I want you off that crazy roller coaster rides… YUM frosting! ;D
Lora says:
I don’t have any wise words, I just wanted to toss my support out there as one of the many strangers who reads your blog and has come to love and care about your family. Being sad depressed, in a “dip” on the roller-coaster of life does not (or should not) make anyone think that you love Annabel and Mike any less.
Chantel says:
Big smooshy hugs with peanut butter on top!! Love you!!
Megan says:
It’s okay to let that little baby save you a little. Thank God she arrived when she did – Going through what you are without any baby to hold onto would be so very unbearable, not that this is bearable. Just don’t feel guilty about needing her. And Brown sugar is totally a food group, but sugar can be bad, making a depression worse, that high plummets so low, especially without other food in your system. Keep that peanut butter handy! The protein will help balance things out!
So much love to you and yours. I hope someday soon you have more good days than bad. Blessings, Megan
Pattie says:
Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. I imagine it’s impossible not to feel better, though, when Annabel looks at you with that smile of hers.
Marissa says:
Hi Heather,
I’m a reader of your blog but never usually leave comments. I have two little girls of my own, one now 4 and the other 2. They actually share the same birthday which is pretty cool. I admire the way you handle the situation that life has handed you. I sometimes try to put myself in your shoes and don’t know how I would ever get through something like the way you have. My girls are my life and I love them with every little part of me. I look at pictures of Annie and she has the same shaped eyes and mouth that Maddie had. She’s just a chubbier version of Maddie. Please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers and it is people like you that really make me appreciate the life I have with my daughters. It’s sometimes easy to get caught up in life itself since it’s so busy but I read your blog everyday and it reminds me to slow down and live in the moment with my daughters. I thank you for that!!
Amanda M. says:
Oh man, a spoon full of brown sugar is always a nice pick-me-up.
I’m at the bottom of my roller coaster too. Though mine is more of a parking lot tram ride next to yours. I hope you feel better! I’m really glad you chose to have Annie when you did!
Katie says:
Heather,
I so totally get the roller coaster thing…and the good thing about them is there are ups as well as downs. I hope your up comes very very soon. Until then, I think brown sugar is a very legitimate food group.
Sending good thoughts,
Kate
Heidi says:
You’ll get there. Hugs.
Jenifer says:
I just want to cry for you and with you.
Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way!!!!
Erica says:
Dearest Heather,
I haven’t commented for a while but please know that I always read every post you write and you are still in my thoughts every day. I still think of Maddie when I wake up in the mornings and go to bed at night. I think I will always think of your amazing little girl. I wish I could come and give you a great big hug and deliver lots of peanut butter. You are loved by so, so many people all over the world and we are all here for you lovely lady. Please continue to write your feelings as you feel them, they are read by so many and we all appreciate your honesty. You are such an amazing lady. Thinking of you today as every day.
Lots and lots of love
Erica in Luxembourg
Christina Bathan says:
Jenn,
I wish I knew of your blog when I was going through my time of sitting in the hospital and then having my son spen 6 weeks in the NICU, I dont quiet remember how I stumbled across it, but it helped me, and it was more help then you could ever know with my sister, whom delieverd twins at 27 weeks, One survived and Christian went to Heaven, She read from the begining, and I honestly believe it helped her to survive, We did the MOD walk in April, we looked for you because We both wanted to let you know impression you had made on our family, we didnt see you but we sure saw the sea of purple that was there showing love for Maddie, while you may not realize it, and I know there are times when you cant, you have love everywhere, in California, across the state, the United states, the world, and most specially you have Maddie and now your Auntie above reunited together and they will wait for you,
I have never lost a child, so I cannot say I know what you are going through, and I know you would give you right arm to have another moment with your daughter. Know that she loves you and the last moment in her life was in her mommys arms, where she loved to be.
I wish you peace and light
Janet says:
I read your words and feel like I wrote them. I’m three months out from the death of my daughter and I can function so well some days…and then some days I’m useless…and angry…and pathetic. I love my son with such a force and strength…but it’s just a little less than I need some days to move forward. Luckily he’s almost 3, so he just says…mama, we go outside NOW….How did he know that’s what I needed…fresh air and bubbles…
Anyway, thanks for reminding me I’m not alone.
Cynthia says:
Hugs to you sweet one. I’ve lost three babies- foster babies- still my babies… I have held two while they died in my arms. It’s awful and unless you’ve gone through it , you just don’t get it. I’m so sorry for your loss. You honor precious Madeline with your love for her sister. You keep her memory alive every day. I wish there was something to make you feel better- there is not. Just know that you are not alone. Stay in your jammies a while longer. Just be careful of hardened brown sugar. It can really wreak havok on your teeth. Love to you and your amazing family from Santa Clarita….
Kelly says:
So sorry.
Rollercoasters are stupid, and when they aren’t being fun, they usually make you sick. Stupid rollercoasters.
wm says:
She is so beautiful and you are an amazing mother.
Jamie says:
Heather-I know what the dip feels like. The loss of gravity, the uneasy stomach. Not your specific dip of course, but my dip, my roller coaster. My great friend always tells me, “this too shall pass.” Not the grief, the situation, the loss, the heartache, but this little drop. It will pass and soon enough you’ll hear the clinking sound as your coaster starts to move back upwards…it will find its way back upwards…eventually. Until then, I hope you find a little bit of peace in that sweet baby face. Thinking of you, often.
hawkfeather says:
I could say- ride it out.. cause you know the roller coaster reference..
but even though that works well wit wise- I am not sure I believe it myself.
I just read your post on ugliness..
and I gotta say- I think we force ourselves to see the positive way too often- it is the go to feedback to suffering and I am not sure it ‘is’ the way to go.
I live in the greatest hippy dippy community in the world- but still when things go wrong- and sometimes they can go more wrong than you ever thought possible (as you well know) the comfort is all about healing- and forgiving and peace and love and sometimes that just isn’t.. well honest.
Sometimes I think all you can do is be pissed at the world- anger is a valid emotion.. depression is a legitimate response to hurting- and I don’t think there is anything wrong with owning it.
There are things in life I am not willing to accept as a positive- no matter how deep people may think you have to search to find a bright side.. I think acknowledging how much something sucks can be healthy.
and Heather you have had it worse than most of us- you lay around and eat sugar by the bag full in my opinion…
still- I *am* glad you have that wonderful husband there.. and those sweet eyes to look into- she is precious in every way.
Marti from Michigan says:
You’ve been through a lot Heather! Maddie and then recently, your Aunt Kathy. Might be hormones, might be seasonal changes – in Michigan it is fall now, summer just vanished! It’s obvious in Michigan because the leaves change to reds, oranges and brown, and then they fall off and it is obviously barren, cold winter. I have the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and am at my worst in winter months. During those times I try to find as much sunshine and warmth that I am able to, including driving 35 miles to go swimming in a heated pool! Not sure if California goes through season changes.
Happy thoughts and lots of hugs coming your way from Michigan!
Leslie says:
I’m here for you always. Even if you just want to talk.
Brown sugar, cupcake frosting, and peanut butter are nice sweet treats, but you need a real meal! I’m bringing you dinner next week. You pick the day.
Love you.
Meg...CT says:
Rollercoasters suck!
Wishing you peace and happiness…
PS…that gorgeous baby ROCKS!
Carrie Montag says:
((Hugs)) momma. You lay on that floor just as long as you need to. Just know that you have so many people that care about you and are rooting for you thru this crazy rollercoaster we call life.
I know that when I get down about my son’s special needs (he has CP and Epilepsy due to a birth accident), I prefer Red Vines, but Brown Sugar will do the trick too.
XOXO
Carrie
Mary says:
If there was anything I could do for you, I would do it. Loss and grief totally suck. Not just the hairy ones someone else mentioned, but the giant, elephant sized ones. Actually, I don’t know if they’re really giant, as I’ve never had occasion to look. But I digress.
I have loads of things to say that might help or might not, but I’m guessing that sometimes all you want is someone to listen while you scream. So I will do that. And I will help pick up the pieces of the things that need smashed on the floor. And I will hand you the next thing to throw at the wall. And I’ve said this before but I think it bears repeating, when you’re ready to get back up, I will help you up.
Love to you all.
Lisa_in_WI says:
I can definitely empathize with your depression, I suffer from it myself. I’m also going through a valley right now, so know you’re not alone and I am hoping for better days to come for you.
Wendy says:
Sending good thought, Love and hugs your way!
Jewl says:
I think you are riding this coaster amazingly. you are freekin entitled, if you want to stay in jammies on the sofa and eat whatever floats by, have at it girl! I’m just glad you have Annie and Mike to ride with you! Hold them close!
Catherine says:
Be well, you are loved and supported by so many. Though no-one can feel or share your grief, we care.
Paula says:
One day at a time Heather. You’re doing what you need to do to take care of you and that is the most important thing you can be doing right now. (((hugs)))
Amy S. says:
Man, I hate douchebaggery! But we love you Heather!
Judy Schwartz Haley | CoffeeJitters.Net says:
Finally, someone who understands the importance of brown sugar. I think it’s pretty much it’s own food group too.
So glad you have such a wonderful husband and amazing baby to be with you through this.
Jillie says:
I’m just so sorry about the rollercoaster ride you’ve been sent on. I’m hoping and praying that the course levels out a little in the near future, but in the meantime you just keep on surviving one day at a time, one minute at a time. If that means pjs, floor and brown sugar, then so be it. So thankful you have a little hand to pat your face (and throw books, pull hair, etc.).
Libby says:
Heather, do you read Anne Lamott? You write like one who reads Anne Lamott. That is to say that you can point out the dark and scary funny things about this real life.
Amanda says:
I know that I also have been in a funk lately, like my world is crumbling around me. I haven’t experienced the loss of a beautiful daughter, but I have lost. I like to get lost in Barnes and Noble on my bad days, but since I have been forced to deal with not-so-great things lately, I haven’t been able to…I think this has inspired me to get out and stay out of my jammies for longer than taking care of “business” and try to walk my puppies and have a “normal” day, whatever that means these days!
MelissaG says:
When you write a post like this it makes me want to say “I love ya sister!” and I mean that “mom to mom” and not in a weirdo-internet-stalky-pathetic sort of way. I don’t pretend to know you personally but I do know that being a mom is hard and life can be hard and I totally feel for you. I hate that this happened….hate it. I wish there was something I could do….I wish your little girl were here.
cherylb says:
i don’t think you will ever get over it. Both of your daughters made your LIFE as it is.
lori says:
Heather,
please always know that so many of us think of you and your family daily. we love you all.
i went thru a depression after my baby died in utero of a heart defect. my husband and i pulled thru but we had major up and downs. i know i had many times where i cared about nothing… life has got somewhat better but its been a struggle. my best advice is get it out. when i kept it bottled i got worse. my husband really kept it in and we went to therapy for quite a while…
Carrie says:
I can hardly get past my son’s serious-but-not-life-threatening-in-any-way issues some days. And then I think about you and all you’ve been through. Please know that it’s so totally okay for you to be overwhelmed and sad and a little broken. And that we love you no matter what. Giant internet hugs and prayers coming your way.
Sofie says:
Depression is a real bitch. Not a helpful comment I know, but be assured that you are not alone. Power to you for being able to recognise it and write about it. Take care.
Mary says:
On this particular day, I am struck by just how much Annabel looks like her big sister. I know that the eyes and hair are different colors, but the picture of Annabel with her head tilted just so, with those two adorable teeth and slight curl, juxtaposed with the picture of Madeline in the “Are you a friend of Maddie” box above look as those they are twins. This may not help, especially on those days when you are deep in grieving, but you birthed two beautiful girls.
Mary says:
Sorry, that should be ‘though’ not ‘those.’
Michelle W says:
Whoever they are I’d like to kick their ass