I have seen horrible things.
I watched my daughter die.
I saw a dozen medical professionals struggle to save her after a simple procedure went horribly wrong.
I felt her body, cold and heavy from all the fluids pumped into her.
I saw her face and lips gray and still.
Her beautiful eyes unfocused and blank.
Her skin marked with puncture wounds, her shins marred with two large intraosseous IVs.
We cleaned her, held her, kissed her, loved her, wrapped her in blankets, and then we had to walk away.
Of all the horrible things I saw, walking away and leaving her haunts me the most. I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know how.
It makes me physically sick.
My last memory of her was supposed to be on my deathbed, not on hers.
But even though these images, textures, tastes, smells, are burned into my brain, there are other ones too.
Her sweet peaches and cream complexion.
Her beautiful sparkling blue eyes.
That musical voice.
The way she smelled, like vanilla and strawberries and shampoo.
How happy she’d get when her daddy walked into the room.
The way she’d squeal when she played with her cousins.
Her laughter when she was with her grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
The way I felt when she reached for me.
I’m afraid that the bad memories will never go away, and the good ones will fade with time.
This isn’t how life is supposed to be..
Lisa says:
Thinking of you & your family sending strength & love.
Annie Y says:
Love you.
.-= Annie Y´s last blog ..Mah Baby Mah Bewbs =-.
Jess says:
Nothing to say but LOVE and HUGS. I wish I could take the bad memories away, I wish I could do more, but I’m offering my support, and my love. You’ll get through this, we’re all supporting you.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Oh Heather. I so hope that it goes the other way round. Hold tight to those good memories, they will sustain you. Polish them, keep them dear, share them and they will stay bright.
Lots of love and hugs to you.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Egg hunting =-.
bluepaintred says:
: o (
I’m so sorry.
bluepaintred says:
that wasn’t supposed to be a happy face *shame* it was a typed out sad face : o (
‘
.-= bluepaintred´s last blog ..Diptych : Hidden =-.
Debbie says:
Thinking of you today. I’m so sorry you experienced (and continue to experience) that heartache.
Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) says:
Heather, I have chills all over and a sickness in my stomach reading this.
I can’t imagine it… and I’m desperately sorry.
Why is it that bad memories stick so hard and good ones fade faster? It’s not fair. Just like the rest of it. So not fair.
.-= Susan (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..5 Minutes for Books: Readable Classics =-.
Merrilee says:
I’m still just so sorry for you. I wish things were different for you all.
Alison says:
Please know that everyone is thinking of you and Mike and willing strength and love and hugs your way.We’ll hold you up over the next few days and for ever. xx
Melissa says:
It’s so unfair.
I’m sorry.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
Alice says:
Reading this made me cry and want to throw up. And I’m nobody – I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t.
All I know is that we, the readers of this blog, will forever carry memories of Madeline from the pictures we’ve seen, the videos we’ve watched and the stories you’ve told.
You won’t ever forget your little girl. You will always remember the good things. She was so, so good.
Elizabeth says:
This, exactly. No parent should ever have to see what you andike saw. Prayers and hugs your way.
Elizabeth says:
Oops, typo, and Mike
Alison says:
Thinking of you and your family.
Again, thank you for sharing these things with your readers. While I may be lacking appropriate words, I think your sharing your words is helpful not only for you but for us. Does that make sense? I hope so.
No one will forget your little girl. No one.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Review: Be Nice Prenatal Vitamin Drink Mix =-.
J in eire says:
I’m sitting here wishing for words to comfort, to soothe, to ease your trauma, but there are none. But even in this very space where you give a voice to your darkest memories, the light that is Madeline cuts through and makes it recede. Your words move from dark to light, she is guiding you. You are her forever mummy and that can never change, nothing can break that bond.
Childwoman says:
No its never supposed to be like this. Parents are not supposed to bury their child. Deaths are not fair.
I lost my mother early this year to cancer. And her last moments haunt me. where she just stopped breathing…The pain the hurt , the loss is just so overwhelming at times, that its an agony to breathe.
Hugs to your family and you.
.-= Childwoman´s last blog .. =-.
Chris says:
To you, and to Childwoman, the only thing I can say is eventually some of the awful memories, the haunting ones, they fade (a little) they dull (a smidgeon) and eventually the good memories start to edge them out. Not a lot at first, but in teensy, tiny, hard to tolerate little pieces.
At least that’s what I’ve seen. I watched my mother die to cancer 3 years 5 months and a few weeks ago (see I no longer no the exact number of days off the top of my head–it’s progress of the glacially slow variety).
And, as Childwoman said those last moments were haunting, seeing her eyes whlie she was still there, but really,, not there, not seeing me though she still struggled to breath, for years I couldn’t close my eyes and not see that. I couldn’t think of her beautiful green eyes and the years we had shared (we were closer than any mother and daughter I knew. We had been my entire life.) because all I saw was THAT moment.
But slowly, occassionally, good moments start creeping back in when I don’t expect them–a memory of shopping with her, or laughing over something my puppy had done, or hours spent at the pool, or a hundred other things. The pain and agony are still there, but slowly, every once in a while a good moment, a good memory of her surfaces and blocks out the scary bad imagesof those last moments.
The fact that you already are able to share all these beautiful, wonderful moments and stories and videos and photos of Maddie with all of your loyal readers out here is a testiment to you. And a joy. I think of her everytime I wear purple–and I love purple.
It’s not how life is supposed to be, but you have so much support here to help you through these awful days.
Hugs and good thoughts to you and your family.
Chris, a loyal lurker.
Untypically Jia says:
Cling to those good memories Heather. And thank you for sharing them with the rest of us. Even if it’s just a tiny portion, I know that it’s changed me enough that I think of Maddie and your family from time to time (though we’ve never met). She will never be forgotten by the world.
Know that you and your family are loved.
.-= Untypically Jia´s last blog ..We All Need Support Sometimes =-.
Katrina says:
I read your words in this post, and I hear your pain, and I just want to fix it. I want to fix it for you. Fix it so that it won’t hurt. But I can’t. It’s impossible to fix. And I know this. But there’s still a part of me that wants to find a way around the impossible.
Okay, so here’s my thought. Those bad memories — gosh, they are just so tramatic and awful, but — they are not on video. Instead, you have hours and hours of HAPPY memories of Maddie on videos. So if you ever fear that the happy memories might start fading and that you will only remember the bad…then break out those videos more often than you usually do, and watch them over and over and soak in all the sweet memories, keep the happy times in the front of your mind with all the videos. Those painful memories are stored in your mind. The other happy memories are not only stored in your mind but on video as well. They can be more powerful. Her voice, her expressions. All there for you to watch. To help you to remember everything about her. Always.
Perhaps it’s my wish for you that the hours and hours of happy Maddie videos that were taken for 17 months might somehow help to overpower the bad memories that your mind holds of those few hours on that one awful day. This might be wishful thinking on my part, but it’s the best plan that I could come up with. I’m sorry. I know it falls way short of being even slightly helpful.
(((thinking of you so much as the 7th draws near)))
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Boy Finds a Stick =-.
Ania says:
I second what Katrina says. You have 18 months of Maddie’s short, yet beautiful, life documented. So I believe those memories of her will never fade, as you did such a wonderful job preserving them.
And I sincerely hope that with time, the tragic memories will fade…even just a little bit will help.
I’m so sorry, Heather. I’m crying with you.
Catherine Lucas says:
No, it is not how life is supposed to be. Yet your life is. And you have to live it. It must be more then hard, I don’t think there exist a good word to capture what you must go through, you and all those parents who lost a child. I think I can promise you that the bad memories will fade, and the good ones will stay. Come clearer even… And as a previous poster says, grieving is hard labor, but I like to think that being able to see her in living images through your captured video’s will help keep the good memories sharp…
Good vibes coming your way!
.-= Catherine Lucas´s last blog ..A calf named the Joker… =-.
Krystal says:
Heather,
You and Mike are in my thoughts. Sending lots of love and strength your way.
Beautiful little Maddie will never be forgotten.
Love,
Krystal
Tamela says:
My heart hurts for you, Mike and your family.
Sarah says:
In my church on Good Friday, the priest was talking about Mary’s loss when Jesus died. He talked about parents who lose a child and how we must always keep them in our hearts. I thought of you then and I’m thinking of you now… You and Mike and Maddie and Annie are in my heart.
When I think of Maddie it’s of her in those photos from your last post- her huge smile and her wispy curls and her yellow dress in the sunlight.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Frohe Ostern! =-.
Noelle says:
Oh Heather, my heart just aches for you. This is not how it’s supposed to be. But know that you won’t forget. Even if certain memories start to fade her butterfly eyelashes and sparkling smile will stay etched in your heart forever.
And thanks to this incredibly beautiful tribute you’ve created she has touched my heart and I’ll never forget her. Sending lots of love, strength, prayers, and hugs your way.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..leave my wings behind me =-.
elinor says:
Hugs
steph says:
You have shared Madeline with us.
I thank you for that.
If ever it begins to fade…
We will remind you.
Because she lives in us now too.
She lives in my little girls when I see them doing something that I so wish Madeline could be doing.Making you laugh,making you cry,making you frustrated (because she’d be at about that age..)
She’s going to live on in all the parents who’ve read this blog,because you’ve taught us to hold onto our precious children with both hands and appreciate how fleeting it all can be.
Thank you.
MS says:
Said perfectly Steph. So true. We will remember her with you. Always.
Amy K says:
That’s exactly how I feel. I became a new mother just a few short weeks before Maddie died, and this blog has reminded me every single day to appreciate and savor each moment with my child. Your loss is so devastating because I think any parent can at least partially imagine the horror and pain of it on a visceral level, and it’s our collective worst nightmare. Maddie’s story hasn’t just helped the March of Dimes. It’s also probably resulted in thousands and thousands of extra kisses and hugs being doled out between your readers and their children, and more happy and everyday moments being chronicled through film and video. Your family is in my thoughts.
littlemissellie says:
“I’m afraid that the bad memories will never go away, and the good ones will fade with time.”
recognise this for the unfounded fear you (underneath) know it to be. Madeline’s memory lives on through your blog, and in the memories of the countless people she touched, online and in person. You and Mike have beautifully honoured her memory, and are doing so well. My thoughts are with you both today xxx
blairzoo says:
Sending lots of love over the airways to you and your family. May the pain fade dramatically over the coming year, and be replaced with all the lovely memories you shared with Maddy. I pray that you too will find peace and comfort in the coming year, as my friends who have lost children found. Maddie is a miracle and we have all been bettered from ‘knowing’ her on the internet.
amanda says:
This is NOT the way it was supposed to be. But my hope for you, and I pray it is true, that the bad memories will fade, and the good memories will stay. I really think that’s how it will be. Maddie is such a light in this world. Such a powerful force. We love her, and you.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..thank you Easter Bunny, bawk bawk! =-.
Sue says:
Your words literally spread chills over my entire body, Heather. I don’t think that your memories of Maddie will ever fade over time, because you have soooo many wonderful photos and videos to keep them alive. Hugs, and love to all of you, sweetheart,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
ScaryvMommy says:
Your pain is unimaginable. Thinking of you today, Heather, and always. xo
.-= ScaryvMommy´s last blog ..Goodbye, Old House =-.
Pgoodness says:
I’ve no words….but sending love and peace and strength to you and Mike. Xo
.-= Pgoodness´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Sarah P says:
It will be the other way ’round. Good ones will stay fresh; bad ones will fade.
Thinking of your family this week.
Geminigirl says:
No it’s not. Love you.
Casey says:
No, it isn’t how life is supposed to be. I hurt for you, my friend, and wish there was anything anyone could do to make it different for you. Thinking of you today and every day…
Anna Marie says:
Thinking of you and Mike today, as always.
Kim says:
The only thing I can say is I’m sorry. It’s so unfair. Sending hugs and strength your way.
Kelly says:
My husband recently told my mother, who is watching her father die a long and sad death, that we may only get one first impression, but many last impressions.
Today, reading your blog, I was reminded of this. I pray that as time passes, the memories you recall of Maddie will only be the good ones.
You are in my prayers.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Depressed? Nah. =-.
Camie says:
Such love and prayers for you.
Johanna says:
Since nothing any of us can say will make a difference for you, all I will say is:
I am sending you all my strength and hope and love from all the way across the ocean.
and
I will never forget your darling girl and you will never forget a single thing about her…I promise you that.
charlane says:
The good memories will not ever fade because you will not allow them to ever fade. The bad memories will also stay with you but maybe over time they will not be as raw. We are thinking of you here and wishing great things you you with great love as always!
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Caketastrophy =-.
Kristen McD says:
Not fair. Not fair. I’m so sorry.
Lindsay from Florida says:
No human being should have to shoulder what you have since last April 7th. It’s been said hundreds of times, but what else can I write … I am so deeply sorry for the unfathomable cruelty of all this.
Jen says:
As long as you keep writing and thinking about all of those good times they will never fade! I send you nothing but love!!
Another Heather from Canada says:
That was bonechilling … NOBODY should have to bury their child and it makes me angry and sad for you that you and Mike had to. It was NOT supposed to be this way. Thinking of you today and always praying for you guys.
Editdebs says:
We cry with you–and I hope you can let the love we feel for you and your family help sustain you today.
Meredith says:
I am thinking of you and Mike constantly – I am so so so sorry. Wishing for your peace.
Liz says:
Your good memories won’t go away and eventually they will overshadow the bad ones. The bad ones sting more but the good ones are stronger.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..And the Heartbreak Continues =-.
susie says:
i am thinking of of all you today. Wearing purple for Maddie. I am so sorry.
Alexandra :) says:
Me too. Love and hugs, Heather.
Meg says:
I can’t imagine your pain… but I think it’s good that you keep writing about it. I have to believe that’s a good part of the process that you’re going through.
Hold onto the happy photos and the precious videos. I hope that in time that is what will prevail for you.
.-= Meg´s last blog ..He is Risen! Pass the Peeps. =-.
Momma Uncensored says:
i feel physically sick.
i wish i could give you a hug.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..sunshine day =-.
MARY says:
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so so very sorry
Jamie says:
I’m sending you and Mike all the love I can. I do promise, though, that those horrible scenes will fade after a while. They won’t go away, but you won’t go there first anymore. Sending prayers.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..Menu HO! =-.
Jenny says:
Oh sweetie. I pray that the good memories will always stay with you, and that the bad ones fade away. That little girl was such a light — surely that will outshine the darkness. Much love to your family.
Kylee says:
My heart is heavy for you. I am keeping you all in my prayers. Maddie has touched so many lives. Praying for peace and strength for you all.
Fairly Odd Mother says:
Thinking of you and your family today. I hope the wonderful memories remain stronger and stronger especially as you work to keep Madeline’s memory alive among so many.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..The scream =-.
Lisa Marie says:
I know I have no business commenting on this post because I have absolutely NO idea what you must be going through. Your daughter is still very much alive within the memories and I just pray that you can keep those memories safe and never let them fade. You are doing a great job with keeping her alive for the rest of us in this blog. My prayers and thoughts are with you today…
.-= Lisa Marie´s last blog ..He’s My Brother… =-.
Mommyattorney says:
I am so sorry. I am saying a prayer for you today.
Please know that all of us – all of us Internet Aunts remember Maddie and always will.
.-= Mommyattorney´s last blog ..21 Months =-.
Brittany says:
I am so sorry any of you had to experience that horror. You are right. It’s was NOT supposed to happen that way.
You are such an amazing friend, and I love you and Mike and Maddie and Annie SO MUCH.
I’ll join the masses in NEVER letting you forget those treasures about your daughter, they are your’s to keep.
.-= Brittany´s last blog ..For Andy. =-.
Mary Ann says:
Oh Heather I am so sorry. That post brought back every emotion I felt watching my father pass. Five years later I still feel the pain of that day, but it is now mixed with happy memories that do creep back in. No one should ever have to go through what you and Mike have. I cannot imagine how you get up each day and function, yet alone write so eloquently about your feelings. You are an inspiration, you are so much stronger than I could ever be. Look into the eyes of that gorgeous baby, hold her and Mike tight in the upcoming days, and share happy memories of your darling Maddie. I know it seems impossible now but I promise it will get easier … one day. (((HUGS)))
april says:
Sending lots of hugs and love today. Wearing purple in honor of Miss Maddie Moo today… she’ll never be forgotten Heather. Love to you, Mike, Annie, and your extended families on this hard day. love and hugs from NJ.
johanna says:
I’ve been following Maddie’s story for a long time. So sorry for your horrific loss. I’m losing a child in a different way – an 18 year son, who is lost in a horrific drug addiction. I find myself saying the same thing each day: This isn’t how life is supposed to be. I’m so sorry for all of us parents whose child’s lives do not turn out the way we envision when we first bring our beautiful babies home. Life is not fair. Sending prayers and love.
Kate says:
Thinking of you today!
Mr Lady says:
Love to you, my friend. So much of it.
.-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..I Am Only A Poor, Humble Cockroach. =-.
Leann says:
In June, it will 2 years since my son, Jabez, died suddenly. For me, personally, I don’t remember a lot of that day. Just the facts, little of the emotions, a lot of regrets.
And the hundreds of pictures and videos I took help me remember his laugh, his smile, his life, the good. I embrace those and choose to forget the bad. Eventually, it works.
Thinking of you and your family. I know a little of the pain you are feeling. Know you are not alone.
.-= Leann´s last blog ..Last Night =-.
Jodie Brooks says:
Sending you hugs upon hugs. I can’t even begin to think what you’re going through. I get upset when my son or daughter skins their knee or bumps their head. I can’t even think about anything worse. I know you don’t feel strong right now, but I think you’re the stongest person I’ve ever ‘met’. To be able to get on this blog and pour out all of your fears, emotions, struggles……. it’s just amazing. You keep me going sometimes! Know that we are all here for you. I miss Maddie too!! I love that you remind us of all the funny things she did, the way she looked, smelled, sounded and laughed. Praying for a little peace in your lives.
cj says:
i am so sorry and i hope and believe that your good memories will last forever.
DesignHER Momma says:
you already said it. This is not how it’s supposed to be. Love you and pray for comfort for you. blah.
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..Gage Flips Out! =-.
Keyona says:
You will never forget or lose all those feelings but I hope eventually you come to peace with it. We are all here for you. *HUGS*
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..Thoughts =-.
Jill says:
You are getting the biggest hug that I can muster sent to you from MN.
I’m so sorry this horrible thing happened.
I hope so much that you will reach a point of remembering only the peaches and cream and laughter.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Focus on what you have 4/3/10 =-.
Kim Q says:
Thinking of you and your little ray of sunshine.
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo says:
Been thinking of you all today.
Lauren says:
So sorry for your pain. Maddie’s legacy lives on and you teach all of us readers to be grateful for life. Thinking of you and your family.
Maggie, dammit says:
Whenever I get sick thinking about how the worst thing in the whole world happened to you, I remind myself that the best thing in the whole world happened to you, too.
Holding you all in my heart, today and always.
.-= Maggie, dammit´s last blog ..Who do I think I am? =-.
Rachel says:
Holding you all in my heart today, Heather. I’m so very, very sorry.
Deidre says:
Goosebumps
.-= Deidre´s last blog ..End The Funeral With A Wedding =-.
red pen mama says:
It’s not how it’s supposed to be. I look at all the pictures you took of sweet Maddie, and the videos, and I hope that they can help you when you can’t get the bad memories out of your head.
And if they aren’t, I hope that we here, who follow and support you, and share your stories — I hope we can help you remember the good your daughter brought to the world.
(hugs)
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..The Great Twitter Experiment of 2010 =-.
Julie says:
There isn’t anything I can say that hasn’t already been said…nothing that will take away the pain or make any of this easier. But – I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you…and have been thinking of your sweet Maddie so much. I’ve never met any of you and yet I miss her so much. I can only imagine all that you are feeling…
I had to walk away from my babies…from my son and daughter much too soon. I only knew them from inside my belly for 5 months and it was the worst thing I have ever had to do. It’s not fair and you are right – life is not supposed to be this way.
Hold on to teh good memories…even though you fear you will forget them, you won’t. Maddie is forever a part of you and she will always be with you.
Hugs today and always…
Sara GC in the FL says:
I’m so sorry Heather….I hope that the good memories are able to push out the bad ones…. Sending you good vibes and prayers this week – and love for Maddie from the Sunshine State.
Jessie says:
I send you all my strength and love — your daughters are lucky to have you as a mother, you are an amazing woman.
Kim says:
Sending you hugs, and wishing I had some magical words to make the situation better. I am so very sorry Heather. Thinking of you and your family today, and always.
Bridget says:
Think about you guys every single day.
xoxo
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..My Child, He is a Changin’ =-.
amy says:
thinking of you and yr family a lot lately. I send love from me to you today. You are loved.
Colleen says:
Your words took my breath away…
A mother and father should never have to experience this. I can’t slightly even try to fathom what you feel or what you’ve experienced. It’s just not fair. Please know that I’m sending virtual hugs. Like someone else posted, keep those good memories at the surface. Keep them polished and please keep talking about all the good things about Maddie to Annie. THAT is what will keep her memory so vivid to both you and her.
kristen says:
i’m so sorry for your pain and heartache. i hope that writing it down and getting it out helps a bit. we are all here to lift you up out of this darkness as best we can.
like so many others, i, too, am wearing purple today and all week for maddie. it is a small gesture of the big love i feel for your daughter, and for you.
love to you and mike and annie and maddie.
xo
kristen
Christy says:
I agree. I hope your good memories grow stronger by the day, though. She is so beautiful.
Warmly,
Christy
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Falling to pieces =-.
Deborah says:
Like everyone else here, I am praying for you and Mike and your family, and thinking about Maddie today and every day. I won’t even pretend to know how you feel or what you are going through on a daily basis, nor how it will be compounded today and tomorrow.
I have never met you or your family or Maddie, but I love each and every one of you, and I know that I and the others here and elsewhere, will never ever forget her.
(((hugs)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Bleeding Heart =-.
Kristen says:
Hi Heather, Mike and Annie,
I am so sorry that this dreaded anniversary is almost here. It just shouldn’t be. I am sure these past few weeks leading up to this have been especially hard. I hope the thousands of pictures and videos you have (while they will never be enough) will help replace those last memories. Good luck today, tomorrow and all the days ahead. Give Annie enough kisses for her and Maddie, the sister she never met but will always love. Thank you for sharing Maddie with all of us readers. She had changed our lives and I think has made us better people/parents.
Hugs,
Kristen in NJ
Susi from Italy says:
I stumbled upon this blog only last week. In a sense I met Maddie last week. She is still impacting the world each day, and her story inspires me and so many others to make the most out of life, to hug the people we love, to smile, be positive, and reach for the stars. I’m so sorry for all that you and your family have been through. Sending you love and peace in these most difficult of times.
Jenny says:
“Sorry for your loss” seems so inadequate but I am really and truly sorry for your loss, and so sorry that you or anyone else should have to carry such heavy memories with you through life. I hope the good memories stay stronger than ever.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..Rambling Woman =-.
eliza says:
I work with people suffering from ptsd. The human mind and body are geared to healing. People can withstand the most horrific events, as you have, and heal. It takes time, but that part of you will heal slowly and painfully, but it will get better. Fortunately, we are not assembled to forget the good stuff; it’s not necessary for survivial. You’ll never forget those wonderful meories Heather. Never. Thinking of you so much this week.
Kristin says:
Thinking about you today and every day Heather.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Keeping Quiet =-.
Nellie says:
The heart of a mother is pure and her love limitless. That is you and that is what Madeline always knew and felt.
Sending you lots of hugs and quietly praying that you will forever be surrounded by love of family and friends to comfort and guide, protect and support you through the darkest days.
Megan says:
I have no words which could possibly bring you peace or comfort. Just tears and prayers. You have been on my mind constantly this week. Praying that the good memories will come to outshine the horrible ones.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..Bathtime and Bedtime. =-.
Natalie @ Hope Springs Eternal says:
Oh, honey. *hugs* There are no words.
.-= Natalie @ Hope Springs Eternal´s last blog ..Monday Melodies – New Weekly Feature of HSE =-.
Java says:
If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.
– Winnie the Pooh
.-= Java´s last blog ..Tuesday Beauty Tips =-.
SLT12 says:
I am so sorry for your continued heartache. Your daughter has left an ever lasting impression on me and i didn’t even “know” her until she was gone. Her beautiful face and your story reminds me everyday how precious our life is. Hold your Annie close and know that there are so many people thinking of you.
All my blessings to your family.
Anjie says:
Cherish those happy memories Heather! I only had a few hours with my daughter and I try to hang onto those as well. This blog will help in so many ways, even after (if) all the readers go. Lots of hugs to you and your family today.
.-= Anjie´s last blog ..Maverick Monday =-.
Rory says:
My heart breaks for you.
nic @mybottlesup says:
no, my friend… this is not how it’s supposed to be.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..well this sucks =-.
MBkimmy says:
I.AM.SORRY! That is all I know to say ((HUGS)) – I wish I could take some of your pain away and make sure that all you have is the good memories. I will be thinking of all of you and hoping htat good memories stay forever!
.-= MBkimmy´s last blog ..St Pattys =-.
Karen says:
Before I was a mother, I’d hear or read about mothers who had lost their children and my heart would break for them… but I think it was more out of pity rather than understanding… “oh that is so awful” I would think.
Now, as a mother… when I hear or read about mothers who lose their children, I am overcome by a wave of dispair and am choked by the taste of panic in the back of my throat… because I can’t bear to imagine what that loss would do to me. As a mother, when I learn of the loss of a child, I feel compelled to absorb some of her pain because I imagine mere existance; just breathing must take all of her effort.
You are so incredibly brave and eloquent. Your grace and love for Maddie is inspiring. Your writtings, photos and videos of Maddie will help you keep those beautiful memories. I can only wish the stuff that haunts you fades…
Sending you, Mike and Annabel all the love, strength and peace I can muster. Especially now.
Maddie is loved. Maddie is truely special gift.
.-= Karen ´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – March 24, 2010 =-.
Laurie says:
i also hope that it will go the other way around, and i hope that the pictures, your writing, all of those things will help keep the beautiful memories alive and well.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Easter 2010 =-.
Karen Chatters says:
I am thinking of you all today, with love in my heart and tears in my eyes. I hope that you’re wrong and that the terrible memories of that day will fade with time and the wonderful days, the laughter and the sunshine, are with you always.
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Hopping along =-.
Tia says:
I so wish life could be different. Maddie will forever be your baby girl that touched the heart of many. Thank you Heather for sharing her life with us, she will never be forgotten.
AmazingGreis says:
That is definitely not how it’s supposed to be. (((hugs))) to you my friend!! Thinking of you all today, tomorrow and always.
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..It’s my FAVORITE season… =-.
Jackie says:
I wish I could say something insightful that would help you in your grief for your daughter. Something that would dull your pain. Unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of power.
You’re right- this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. I pray that you and Mike find the strength to deal with your reality of a life without Madeline a little better as the days pass. That the heartache of losing her dulls a little more, and that the good memories shine through. I don’t know if this will happen, but I hope it will for you.
Lisa says:
Wrapping you in love and peace. I hope one day the bad memories fade just a little and you are left with the happy ones to warm your soul.
Hugs to all of you. You are in my heart and in my thoughts.
Love and hugs.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..A Transformed Picky Eater =-.
Jodee says:
It’s not supposed to be that way…. big hug..
.-= Jodee´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
rkmama says:
This is one little girl that I just don’t think it was ever in her design to fade. She’s Bright and that brightness will be with you and (and thanks to you) countless others for a long, long time.
.-= rkmama´s last blog ..This post is brought to you by the makers (and takers) of Dayquil… =-.
Caroline says:
You need to know there are so many people besides you everytime you miss Maddie. I know they will not make the images of her passing stop replaying in your mind. I don’t know what can do that. (And oh but I understand so entirely. My last image of my mother is one I try desperately erase. It won’t leave me. Its formost in my mind always.) I keep trying to understand how death is supposed to be this “natural” process in life. It’s not. It can’t be. Not like this. My heart is with you through this, for whatever distant cosolation that brings. Be well.
.-= Caroline´s last blog ..April Fools and Alligators =-.
Clarice says:
Please know that you have never walked away from Maddie’s spirit. Every day of her life, and every day after her passing, you have fought for her and been true to her. Maddie is so loved. Life isn’t supposed to be like this; today she should be poking at her baby sister and toddling around with that shaky baby walk. I’m so sorry.
Jenna says:
sending you lots of love to make it through this day….
Katie C. says:
I am just heartbroken for you – I get the chills thinking of what you had to go through… I think that the bad memories will always be etched in your mind, because those were so traumatic, but trust me, with time, they will fade… They won’t go away, but the stark horror of it will fade and you will be able to remember the wonderful times more than that. I can’t even begin to say anything that will make you feel better, so I will just I am sending my prayers. Hugs ***
tonya says:
Hold tight to the good memories. THAT was your Maddie. I know the horror of watching life leave the body of one I love the most. I know the eyes. And I wish nobody else would ever have to know that. My heart truly aches for you and Mike. Love, and prayers for strength and healing are being sent your way.
Michelle says:
Thinking of you and wishing you and yours peace.
Best,
Michelle
jessica says:
Its not how life is supposed to be! Its so unfair and awful! I don’t know you but I mourn the passing of your daughter as well! Try to focus on those wonderful times with Maddie…one day you will be with her again and I know it will be awesome!
Julie / Grieve Out Loud says:
h, we’re all missing maddie with you. right now i feel especially close to these feelings myself. my son was born still at thirty-seven weeks in september, and recently we found out we were expecting (and so, so damn excited) only to suffer a miscarriage. i feel like the universe is making the ultimate puppet out of me and it hurts. i will always remember your sweet maddie. all of us will.
Delenn says:
I wish I could say more, but there are no words that can bring her back. All I can say is I am sorry and that you are all in my thoughts.
.-= Delenn´s last blog ..Frilly Silly Willow =-.
Jesika says:
I am praying for you and mike
J+1 says:
You are all in my prayers today.
.-= J+1´s last blog ..Holiday weekend =-.
Lauren says:
This sucks. It is SO not fair that such good people must experience such horrible pain. I don’t know why and it just doesn’t make any sense. I am thinking of you and your family today and praying so very hard that those awful pictures will fade from your memories quickly and that the beautiful thoughts, memories and moments are played in strong, vivid technicolor in your minds and hearts forever. I am not a mother but dream to be one someday soon. And I have not experienced such a senseless loss. But I do have many people in my life that I love so very dearly and if its any sort of a glimmer of light on such a dark day, please know that you have truly helped a complete stranger realize her blessings. You have helped me have a bit more patience. Show a bit more love. Squeeze a little tighter…longer. Stop holding back so much — and let so much pettiness go. Thank you.
Mary P says:
I’m heartbroken for you, and thinking of you, Mike and Annie with love and sadness. I know that nothing can make this right, and how I wish something could.
suzanne says:
I think those memories will hold onto you, just like Maddie’s little hands held onto you as you carried her on your hip and had adventures. One day, Annie will reach for you and her little hands will grab you as you pick her up, and you will remember. In small moments like those, all the good memories will flood back in an instant.
And when Annie is too big to carry in your arms, and instead she’s going out to movies with her friends and rolling her eyes at you, you will have the most loving, tender diary in words, pictures and videos of all that was good in Maddie’s life. Annie will have that diary too, and know what kind of unconditional love her parents carry in their hearts for their children — the kind of love that transcends time, space and distance.
One day, you’ll hold your grandchild, and as those little hands reach for your glasses to pull them off, you’ll remember Maddie like it was yesterday. I know it. I hope you can feel the love I am sending to you from Washington DC.
Nikki says:
I’ve spent the last 24 hours reading your archives, reading about Maddie and your precious memories of and with her. She will NEVER be forgotten, you (and us as readers) will forever celebrate her life. This is not how life is supposed to be and words cannot accurately or deeply express how incredibly sorry I am that your precious Maddie Moo was taken so soon.
Wishing your any and everything you need to get through the week. Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Holding you all in my prayers…
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I eat cute little bunnies =-.
Heather says:
Heather,
Sometimes there are just no words that can be uttered to make you feel any better. I hope that you know that you are loved by many, that Madeline was and is loved by many, and that her legacy will continue to live on because you will never forget her. We will never forget her.
You are in my thoughts and in my prayers always. I have thought about you a lot this week. Know that I am thinking of you tomorrow and that you are not alone.
Heather K.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Homesick =-.
Diane says:
Love you, Heather. I am so sorry that you ever had to experience this to begin with, never mind experience it again and again.
I hope that the bad memories fade and the good memories shine. Big hugs to you and your family.
.-= Diane´s last blog ..Practice for the Easter production at church. =-.
Trisha Vargas says:
It should never be like this. I am so sorry you are having to live your life without her Heather.
Wrapping you in lots of cyber hugs today, tomorrow and always!!!
((((((HUGS))))) from Florida
Susan says:
You are not alone. The things that I saw were just simply horrifying and I hate that I have them as memories. I would get them erased if it were possible. My son died in our house (on hospice). I dresssed his stiff body and my husband carried him out to the hearse. Nightmare, just nightmare. It has been 2.5 years and I would say that those memories surface less than they used to, but are still just as painful. I don’t know why we had to witness the suffering and death of our loved ones. However, I can’t imagine what it would have felt like to not be there either. I am sure that comes with its own set of lamentations.
Thank you for writing so honestly.
melissa says:
I pray for you often, but never leave a comment, just wanted to do so today and let you know you are in my thoughts & prayers.
Rosa says:
There are no words. Praying for peace and comfort in the years to come. Much love to you and your family.
Sara @TomTheGirl says:
Sending you love and hoping for peace.
xoxo
.-= Sara @TomTheGirl´s last blog ..The best sound in the world (6 mos) =-.
Karen says:
What you and Mike had to endure and had to do was more horrid and awful than anyone should ever have to do, but gracefully and thankfully I think our brains and bodies are just wired to let the bad memories fade with time and the good ones stand stronger.
There is no way you possibly could be ready to let go of the pain of the bad memories but you are doing an amazing job of taking it day by day (because you and Mike are still here!) and keeping her legacy alive and present.
You have nightmarish images lurking always on the edges and sometimes making the leap I am sure,
but the memories and images you have to combat them are so incredibly beautiful and vivid!
{{ hugs }} :May her amazing laugh and vivaciousness live inside of you always.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Struggling against myself =-.
Melissa says:
I am sending prayers you can get through today and tomorrow’s painful anniversary. A friend of mine is having a celebration this weekendfor the first anniversary of her daughter’s death (coincidence on the similarities). She is going to do a balloon release in rememberance. In all the pain, you could do something tomorrow that Maddie would like; blow bubbles, take Annie to to Maddie’s favorite park, and try to force a smile in the good memories. My heart breaks for you and Mike. Best of luck getting through tomorrow the best way you can.
A faithful reader.
MommaLionessMichele says:
My heart just aches for you. I am so truly sorry. I think of your family everyday, especially this week.
Sending strength across the miles.
.-= MommaLionessMichele´s last blog ..March: The End, The Beginning =-.
C @ Kid Things says:
I am so, so sorry. You’re all in my thoughts, today and always.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..So He Won’t Grow Up To Be A Baseball Player =-.
Heather says:
The good memories will be here forever, you will keep them alive as you have all along. I am so sorry Heather, I’ll never be able to fully comprehend why these things happen. Thinking of your whole family right now, lots of love.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Case of the Mama Mondays =-.
cindy w says:
I might’ve told you this, I can’t remember. My uncle watched his 19 year-old daughter (my cousin) die of cystic fibrosis. That was almost 6 years ago. He said the horror of those last few weeks in the ICU has started to fade somewhat – or rather, that isn’t the first thing he thinks of when he thinks of her. His predominant memories are the happy ones of her life. He said there’s a great comfort in that. I hope and pray that it’s the same for you and Mike. XOXO
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..her favorite aunt =-.
Karen says:
Thinking of you guys, and praying for you
Shannon says:
I know it is so different to lose a child then to lose a parent. But when my dad died, I thought those visions of his weak body that had been destroyed by cancer and the last few days would never leave my memory. Ten years later, I remember my dad the way he looked when I was growing up. I can make myself somewhat remember the bad, but I think after several years, the bad memories started to take a back door to all the wonderful ones. I pray this happens to you too! I pray you remember your sweet Maddie in all her goodness, and that the sad, scary, horrific memories fade away. I’m so sorry.
Sarah says:
Thinking of you, Mike, and your beautiful daughters. I wish I had something profound or helpful to say but I just want you to know that even though I don’t know you the four of you are in my heart today and always.
Amélie says:
Thinking of you, and wishing you lots of courage and strength
thebonmama says:
Heather and Mike,
My heart and prayers are still with you; as they have been for the last year. My heart still rips open anew at the thought of your loss. I’ll be honest – I don’t post as often as I should to let you know I’m thinking of you, hurting with you, mourning your loss and celebrating your new joys (especially little Annie). It’s hard for me, with a 16 month old myself, to go to those places with you, without getting too mired down in your pain and loss myself. I want you to know, that while I may not write all the time, there won’t be a day that I don’t think of your sweet Maddie – that glowing smile and gorgeous face and illuminated spirit. There won’t be a time when I don’t mark the days of her life and death with a pause and prayer for her family and friends, and there won’t be a time that I don’t support the March of Dimes in her name, with the belief that one day, we can together prevent babies from being born prematurely, and give the ones to come the chance that Maddie didn’t get. Much love to you all this week. Hold that sweet Annie tight, and know that you are wrapped in our prayers.
-Bonnie
.-= thebonmama´s last blog ..Some miscellaneous thoughts from this morning =-.
Rebecca says:
Exactly, no parent should ever have to outlive their child….and no child should ever have to grow up without her parents around. Lots of prayers and hugs
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..My Little Joey-Joe =-.
mp says:
Life isn’t supposed to be one way or another. I think in these days of amazing medical care and excellent nutrition and relative peace, we all forget how fragile life can be. For a billion (imagine–a billion) people in this world, life is still precarious on a day to day basis. We are so lucky to live the way we do. But maybe because we have such a high quality of life, the death of a child or loved one hits us especially hard. There aren’t that many around us who can empathize after all. I wish you peace, Heather and Mike, and I hope that you find solace in friends, and even others who have suffered similar losses, and joy in helping others and learning to look forward again to the future.
Terri says:
Thinking of you this week and wearing purple for Maddie.
Sarah M. says:
Sending you lots of love & praying those good memories last forever.
Jess L. says:
364 days, and still I can’t even begin to comprehend how she hasn’t aged a day. It leaves me in tears every time, and I never even met her.
Prayers for you, for strength and hope and the will to live fully and love completely despite the hole in your heart.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
I’m so sorry.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Internet Drama, Mishi, Anissa, and Sheila (Anissa’s Right-Hand Woman) =-.
Jen M says:
Write down the good memories and read them often. Sprinkle in photos and video. Think of your best days and moments with her and when the bad thoughts and memories creep in, re-read about the good you have written. Push the bad away with the good and the good will not fade.
I’m so sorry.
rachel cortest says:
It is the colorless lips that i will never forget. But I can give you hope that in three years you will not think of the last day as much. You will remember all the gifts that she gave you. Darcie Sims. my favorite speaker at TCF conferences, says that she keeps a box on the dining room table. In this box she puts little pieces of paper with the “gifts” she received from her 13 month baby boy who died 30 years ago. She said that it can be “thanks for the gift of aggravation” or anything you think of. Then when she is sad, she opens the box and reads all of her “blessings”.
My son was 13 and he was watching his best friend of his entire life die. He mentioned the lips immediately. As heartbroken as we were, and still are, it killed me even more to see him lose his brother.
I applaud your courage to have another baby. We take a risk every time that we love a child. We just have to remember the incredible joy that they gave us and it is all worth it.
Loving you, Maddie, Mike, and of course, the amazing Annabel.
Andrea says:
Heather & Mike
I can’t imagine what you saw that terrible day. Just reading your words this morning makes my heart ache for you….I really don’t know what to say other than i’m so very sorry and it’s just NOT fair. I have been reading your blog everyday now for about a year and this post I think touched me like no other one has. Please no that I am thinking of your guys and praying :). Hugs from Oklahoma!
Andrea
Michele says:
I just don’t know what words to say. I can’t say anything but I’m sorry. And it’s not fair for any of you to be without Maddie Moo. And I’m thinking of you. Every single day. And it sucks. And I’m sorry.
dysfunctional mom says:
I wish we could all take a little bit of the pain from you & Mike, so that it is not such a heavy, overwhelming grief as I imagine it to be.
xoxoxo & prayers.
Michelle Pixie says:
Sending you my love…
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Month 15 =-.
Erica says:
Heather and Mike,
Thank you for your grace, extreme courage and strength when I am sure you wish you didn’t have to be under the circumstances. While we are all virtual out there throughout the world reading your words, our hearts and hands are lifting you up in prayer and love. I wish I had the perfect words to say for your pain. It’s a helpless feeling.
Theresa says:
Madeline is so beautiful and this is so sad.
Thinking of you and wearing purple this week. I’m so sorry.
Tracy (@redvu9395) says:
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Maddie, Annie, Mike and you are always in my thoughts.
Tears, Hugs and Lots of Love to all your family.
Kelly says:
I can’t even imagine how difficult these days are for you and Mike, and your whole family. I know that Maddie is looking down from above, and she is with you. So many people are in your corner, thinking and praying, and sending love to you guys. I know that Little Annie, is there to help to get you through this. Her smiling, precious baby face, is there for her Mama, and Daddy, and although she doesn’t even realize it yet, she’s there for Maddie too.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Easter Eggs =-.
Kristina says:
I hope these comments help give you some measure of peace on this horrible day. Please know that there are so many of us out here thinking about you and sweet Madeline today (and everyday). You are in my thoughts.
.-= Kristina´s last blog ..DNS Editing Deployed =-.
Angella says:
I don’t know what to say, other than that you capture Maddie so eloquently and in such great detail that she’ll never be forgotten. Hugs.
.-= Angella´s last blog ..Scenes From A Weekend =-.
Eunice says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mike during this sad week. I pray that the good memories will remain forever in your heart.
.-= Eunice´s last blog ..Happy Easter! =-.
Brandi says:
Thinking of you all today.
mel says:
i have no words. i’m so very sorry.
Lindsey says:
You and Mike and Madeline and Annie are all in my prayers.
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..‘Bout Damn Time =-.
Shannon says:
Keep remembering the good things, Heather. Keep the memories strong by ALWAYS thinking about the good. Focus on the beautiful things. The happy things. Don’t let the bad take over. Maddy is too good for that.
Giving you all the strength I can. Lots of love is surrounding you.
Jenn says:
IT’S DARK AND DAMP HERE TODAY AS THE RAIN CONSTANTLY FALLS FROM THE SKY. I BELIEVE THE ANGELS DANCED THE DAY MADDIE AND ANNIE WERE BORN BUT TODAY, THERE IS NO DANCING, ONLY DEEP SORROW AND TEARS.
THE RAIN FALLS TODAY, JUST LIKE THE TEARS FROM MY EYES….HEART…..SOUL. AS A MOTHER YOUR WORDS HAUNT ME AND MAKE ME SICK TO MY VERY CORE…AS A FRIEND, MY HEART BREAKS AND THE VISIONS YOU SHARE SCAR MY SOUL.
AS I WRITE THIS, I REMIND MYSELF TO BREATH AND KNOW, THERE ARE NO WORDS TO COMFORT YOU TODAY. I WANT SO MUCH TO GIVE YOU YOUR GIRL BACK AND I AM DEVASTATED TO KNOW THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO BRING HER BACK TO YOU AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I WILL ALWAYS BE HEART BROKEN!
i STRUGGLE TO END THIS BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH SAY TODAY AND YET NOTHING AT THE SAME TIME…YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHT EVERY DAY, MY PRAYERS EVERY NIGHT AND YOU, MIKE, MADDIE AND ANNIE WILL BE IN MY HEART ALWAYS!!!
LOVE, FRIENDSHIP & HUGS,
JENN, AND FAMLIY
HeidiLee says:
Heather & Mike…No, this is not the way life is suppose to go….but because of your generousity in sharing Maddie through the internet you have THOUSANDS of people grieving with you. This one person planted a purple rhodedendron for Maddie last year, this one person replaced her cell phone with a purple cell phone and everytime she sees purple she thinks of Maddie. Your writing is amazing – you have put down for all to read your joys and sorrows. You have made more people aware of the pain of losing a child too soon. You have countless photos and videos of Maddie to view–Maddie is living in all our hearts and will continue to. Annie has a terrific big sister! (but you know that!) I pray the pain will lessen for you and your journey will be full of smiles! Peace.
Becky says:
As I drove home from dropping my kids off at school today, I saw purple everywhere! Purple flowers, purple bushes and I had goosebumps thinking of your family and your beautiful Maddie! I was thinking the today must be very tough for you…even though it’s not the exact anniversary…it is the anniversary of the day and it makes my throat ache and my heart break for you all. I truly believe Maddie helped bring Annie into this world, so she could help you get through each day…thinking of you and sending love, hugs and prayers your way!
Donna P says:
I’m at a loss for words too. It just isn’t fair.
Sending you prayers. And hugs. Lots of hugs.
Mimi says:
My sincere condolences during this very difficult time, Heather and Mike. Maddie was such a special girl and she is so lucky to have parents who will remember her and love her forever.
Karin says:
Heather,
I am praying for you. It’s hard…please give yourself some love as you try to get through this time.
Karin
krissa says:
Thinking of you. (((hugs)))
Vicky says:
The good memories will never go away.
Hugs and prayers to you and Mike.
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..17 down, 23 (ish) to go =-.
Heather says:
Sending much love and strength to you and your family…. Know that your Maddie is loved by so many!!!!
jen says:
all I have for you are (((Hugs))) from here.
Thinking of you, Mike, Annie and Maddie today and always.
.-= jen´s last blog ..leavin’ on a jet plane coach bus =-.
Heather says:
When the bad memories come up, banish them by focusing on the good ones.
MelissaG says:
I am so sorry…always. Sad and sorry for these horrible memories. I also hadn’t realized that a procedure had contributed to her passing. Thinking of you.
Lindsey says:
My heart is heavy for your family today. All I can offer is this: I remember her, and I never met her. I tell people about her, and send them your blog link, and encourage them to donate to the March of Dimes. None of that would be possible without her. I hope you find some comfort today, you will all be in my thoughts.
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..In which the Universe and I carry on with our abusive relationship =-.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
((((Hugs)))) My heart aches for you guys and how I wish that you & Mike never had to go through all of this.
xo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..flashback Friday-The Easter Tradition =-.
Annie says:
My thoughts went straight to you when I woke up this morning. This is a hard week. So very sorry that this had to happen to your family.
Rebecca says:
As a mother of a little preemie who today is the same age as Maddie was a year ago, my stomach is in knots as I read. It’s just so, so unfair.
When I was 17, I watched helplessly as my dad died on our kitchen floor. I sat next to my dad’s cooling, lifeless body in a hospital bed and I, too, don’t remember how I walked away.
And even that doesn’t compare to the horror of losing a child. I’m afraid those moments will always haunt you. But I know.. I KNOW… you writing about Maddie, talking about her, looking at her sweet pictures, watching her videos… the good memories will never fade. That I’m sure of.
I hate that there is nothing anyone can do to make it better. No mother should know that kind of pain. I wish we could bring her back for you. I pray and pray and pray that some sense of peace will find you amongst those haunting memories.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Bath Time, Anyone? =-.
Alexandra says:
Heather, you have been through so much. How could anyone every forget that? I just don’t know what to say, because I myself can’t imagine forgetting any of these images.
How unreal they must seem.
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Hasten, Children, The Hour is Nigh =-.
Laney says:
It’s NOT how life is supposed to be. It’s so unfair and my heart aches every time I think about it (which is often.)
But the good memories will never fade…you’ve passed them along through your words, photos and videos. Maddie’s sweet spirit lives on in all of us.
Melissa says:
Heather,
I’ve been reading your blog for over a year now, and have never commented, only because I felt like a stranger looking in. I’ve shared in your loss of your beautiful daughter Maddie, your heartache, and the joy of your new daughter. Please know my heart is with you.
Molly says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. Thinking of you and your family every single day.
I don’t think those good memories will ever fade…
Kim @ Beautiful Wreck says:
Thinking of you today and your precious Maddie.
The good memories will not fade. Ever.
.-= Kim @ Beautiful Wreck´s last blog ..What do you mean it’s not Tuesday? Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.
HalynB says:
Oh, Heather…I’m so sorry.
You will always, ALWAYS have your good memories of Maddie…how can anyone as bright and beautiful as Maddie fade from your memory?
I didn’t get the chance to know Maddie, but I know I’ll always remember her–so as her mother, you’ll definitely never forget a moment that you had with her.
Wish I could hug you.
.-= HalynB´s last blog ..What to say =-.
Debbie B. says:
Thinking of you and your family. Like so many of your readers I never had the pleasure of meeting Maddie, but your blog has made your beautiful little girl a part of my life – a part I think of always and will never forget. Hugs and love to all of you.
Lisa_in_WI says:
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers this week.
.-= Lisa_in_WI´s last blog ..My Hometown’s Contribution to March Madness =-.
Julie says:
I wish this was not your life, a life without your dear, sweet girl. I hope with all my might that someday you will see her again, and that in the meantime your days will be as peaceful as possible.
Kim says:
I know. I love you.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..January to April… =-.
Erin says:
Thinking of you and your family!!
Chrisie says:
It isn’t supposed to be this way. its so unfair. I think of you guys every day. ((((HUGS))))
Veronika says:
The depth of your sorrow takes my breath away. Every time I see photos of Maddie I think that it must be a mistake, that she can’t be gone. I only started reading your blog after her passing and will forever feel poorer for not reading sooner. The Spohr family is in my thoughts and prayers always.
Rebecca says:
thinking about you lots today.
Anonymous says:
I am so so sorry for you and everyone around you.
You will never ever forget the good memories. They are and will always be a part of you.
leel says:
thinking of you all. hugs.
.-= leel´s last blog ..Music Monday :: Matt Good =-.
In Due Time says:
Thinking and praying for you and Mike today.
We miss you Maddie!
.-= In Due Time´s last blog ..Lot of Good, Little of Bad =-.
Karen says:
Many thoughts and prayers for you and Mike…
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Mondays with Maylyn. =-.
Amanda says:
Thinking of you today and the days to come.
It’s so horribly unfair and it sucks so much. I wish that no one went through this.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Why Can’t She Just Stop? =-.
Aunt Becky says:
I’ll never forget her, Heather. I’m so sorry. I wish I had something better to say, but you’re right: you’ve seen horrible things.
I’ve seen children die, but never my own. I love you, I love Maddie, and I miss her terribly. Every day.
xoxo
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..The Rise of the Phoenix =-.
Giselle says:
*HUG*
m says:
Its just not fair..not right.
Thinking of you both today. The good memories will live forever in the stories you tell Annie about her big sister. Hopefully the bad ones will fade a bit in time….
Meg says:
Thinking of you and your family, and hoping that those good memories are a bright spot for you during the coming tough, cloudy days.
samantha jo campen says:
My heart is so heavy for you and Mike. Tomorrow is my birthday but I will always think of you and Maddie on April 7th, and many many many days in between.
I think of her often. Her beauty and her grace. She will give you strength for tomorrow, as will we. We are here for you. We love and support you.
.-= samantha jo campen´s last blog ..Considering a polygraph =-.
Kate says:
I remember. And think of your family daily. Sending love.
Heidi says:
Thinking of all of you – lots of love and support.
Rick Bucich says:
This was tough to read, especially as a parent. Wishing you all the warmest thoughts.
.-= Rick Bucich´s last blog ..Jack Gets His First Fishing Pole =-.
Glenda says:
Thinking of you and sending you and Mike hugs. I’m hoping and praying that all the good memories you have of Maddie and the ones you are making with Annie will out number all the bad memories you’ve been through. XX
Mijke says:
It isn’t. It really really isn’t… I’ve been thinking about you and Madeline a lot the past couple of days. I wish all of us thinking about her could bring her back, but I know it won’t. I’m sorry.
May the good memories stay with you forever, even if the bad won’t ever go away…
.-= Mijke´s last blog ..We’re home, and all is well! =-.
MstoMrs says:
Thinking of you, Mike, Maddie & Annie.
hzp says:
I definitely understand the feeling of the horrible memories overwhelming the good ones. I watched my little brother die, and saw many of the same things…I remember kissing his cold forehead and holding his swollen hand. Knowing but definitely not understanding how he was gone at 4 1/2 years old when he was a healthy, happy kid just 36 hours before. We are lucky to have pictures, videos and other reminders of those who aren’t with us anymore on these especially painful days. Surround yourself with pictures of Maddie, continue to write down your memories of her and I promise you that the beautiful, touching moments will never be forgotten. Thinking of you, Maddie, and Mike today, tomorrow, and every time I think about my brother.
sandi says:
You are in my heart today.
.-= sandi´s last blog ..Parker’s greatest fear =-.
Amy in Oregon says:
Keep holding on…..I think that eventually the good memories will erase the bad….you have wonderful, beautiful photos and journal of her and hopefully that will replace the memories of her last day. I wish most of all that she were still here creating beauty all around her.
Melissa says:
I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. XO
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..We won’t even discuss a full marathon because if I ever need to get anywhere 26.2 miles away, I’ll DRIVE. =-.
Melissa says:
Thinking of you.
abbie says:
We all (blog readers) miss updated stories about your (our) Madeline. We all miss looking at photos of her growth. All of our hearts ache for a child most of never knew and for a family we have grown to know. We will all be thinking of you, Mike, Annie and the rest of your family tomorrow. We will all hurt for you. May you find the strength in yourself and those who love you the most to continue down this most difficult path no one ever wants to, or should have to walk. We are all walking with you. We are all holding your hand.
tara says:
heather – my heart hurts so very much for you and mike. noone should EVER have to go through what you have been through. there are so many of us, like me, who don’t know you, who never met maddie, but are wrapping you and mike in love and hugs. xoxoxo
Tami says:
As my eyes fill with tears, I cant imagine what you both went threw. My heart aches for you both. I wish things were different, I wish I could change it for you. Im so sorry!!
Sending you hugs,
Jannette says:
Prayers for your family to find moments of peace. I miss Maddie too.
LD says:
There are no words- but I’ll think of you and your beautiful family today.
.-= LD´s last blog ..A Farewell to Arms…er, uh…stuff. =-.
nona says:
I never knew Maddie in person, and I only discovered your blog a few months ago, but even in photos and videos, her personality and light shine so amazingly. I feel like I did know her.
There is no number to measure your loss. Even if you become so overwhelmed by grief that it seems impossible to access happy memories in your mind, it doesn’t mean you have forgotten them, and hopefully photos or videos will help you bring them back to the front of your mind.
I think that you made all of those photos and videos out of your love for Maddie, and the energy from that time is also captured in your media, so you may even replay your own feelings. Even if they now have to exist alongside sadness, you won’t be alone with despair.
Hockeymandad says:
I’m so sorry you had to go through something no parent should ever experience. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your family today.
.-= Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Yes, I have returned =-.
Wendy says:
I’m so, so sorry. I wish I had words that could help but I don’t. I can only just sit her and share the burden of your sorrow from miles away. And I do.
Allison Zapata says:
I’m in tears. I am so sorry. Thinking of you all today and always.
.-= Allison Zapata´s last blog ..Anything you can do, I can do better…. =-.
B says:
You, Mike, Annie, Maddie and all of the rest of your family are surrounded by love. I’m sending you some strong purple vibes, I hope you can feel the warmth.
Lesley says:
My thoughts are with you all on this the first anniversary….It bothers me too, as it’s my birthday….that on a day where I get to celebrate another year of life….your anniversary is far more sad…As I’ve never experienced even a tenth of what you are going through…I have a friend who lost her son 10 years ago….what she says she found is that as the years go on the Good is what tends to remain…and the bad/sad memories are what fade with time…..she allows her grief to emerge on the anniversary of his death…and every year on that day…the pain returns…but on every other day…she is reminded of the wonderful things her son gave to her…..and relishes in them….for that gives his memory more honor than anything else….
My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.
Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.
I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need
Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.
Grief’s river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope’s channels,
I’ll reach the shore at last.
.-= Lesley´s last blog ..Flexability….What’s That? =-.
Melissa says:
Nothing I can say will dull the agony that you feel. Even though I didn’t know her, I think of Maddie everyday. Always sending love and strength your way, especially today.
thienan says:
heather, i just want to say that you don’t have to remember her all by yourself. i never met maddie, but reading about her on your website and looking at all of her pictures that were taken while she was still here etches her face and memory into my mind, and thousands of others as well. she will never be forgotten, there will always be someone out there who thinks about her every single day, and you do not have to do it alone.
Holly says:
I’m so sorry this happened to you. To Maddie. I hope you find some peace today.
.-= Holly´s last blog ..Eighty Degrees! =-.
MommyNamedApril says:
i’m so sorry. i wish with all my heart we could give her back to you.
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..It Only Took Me Four Tries to Set the Self Timer Correctly. =-.
marslo says:
I’m so sorry. I wish it were different.
Kay says:
Big hugs and many prayers from NJ..
Marnie * says:
There are no words. I’m sorry isn’t enough. My thoughts & prayers are always with you. HUGS to you & your family.
Jen says:
Thinking of you and your family today, Heather.
Marti from Michigan says:
Heather/Mike,
I have fallen so in love with all of you since I started reading this blog, a year ago. I wish there was something I could do to bring Madeline back to you. A year is not long enough to get over this terrible trauma you both went through. It is so not fair that she left this earth when she did, just so not fair at all!
It is something I will never understand unless I could walk up to God and ask Him why? Perhaps I would get some kind of explanation.
This blog, these people, love your family so much, we will be here for you tomorrow, on that dreaded day. We are here for you now.
I sent you a poem with my pledge check – it says: “I like to look in puddles – when I smile, they smile; when I laugh, they laugh…….and when I cry, they don’t mind getting wet.”
Your family is especially in mine, and many others, prayers and have been ever since 04/07/09.
Jasmin says:
Wishing I knew the right thing to say. My heart aches for you and your family. Sending positive thoughts your way from NJ.
Megan says:
I’m so very sorry. I only know you and Maddie through your blog, but my thoughts are with you and your family this week. I hope you keep sharing your good memories with all of us out here.
Amy says:
This makes my heart hurt. I hope in some way the pain fades. It will always be there. But I hope it’s not always in the “catch you off guard take your breath away” kind of way. The good memories will never fade. Trust in yourself enough to know that won’t happen.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Stitch Therapy =-.
BMom says:
I wish I had the right words to say. I don’t know that there are any, so I’m sending compassion and thoughts and prayers to you and Mike. Hold tight to your memories and keep your faith close by.
Antonia says:
Dear Heather, Mike and Annie,
I’m so sorry.
I’ve been reading your blog for about nine months now. Although I’ve never met you, Maddie continues to affect people through your careful and heartfelt words,
Thinking of you all, especially tomorrow,
Antonia
Marissa says:
I’m so sorry. Your daughter was a beautiful and charismatic little girl. Just another person who was touched by your story, and saddened by this loss. My heart goes out to you all.
Kristi Gravemann says:
So heartbroken for you. Prayers and hugs are going your way. A beautiful piece of sunshine left this life a year ago and the world hasn’t spun the same since…
kathryn says:
I mourn her too, and I never even knew her. I just can’t imagine your loss. I just can’t.
I remember Maddie, as her little life has touched my own and reminded me how fragile our daily gifts are. Thank you so much for opening up your lives and bringing her to us through all of your photos and stories. She continues to make a difference.
Jennifer says:
It makes me physically ill thinking about what you’ve had to endure. It’s so wrong. Not the correct order of things!
I know that when we look at our pasts, we often rose color them. It’s not intentional. It just often happens. I hope that ultimately, the 18 months of love and beauty eclipse all of the unimaginable pain. I know that’s a tall order but I’m still praying for it.
Sending a big virtual hug to you.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Signs, signs, everywhere signs… =-.
Jenn says:
Reading this hurt my gut and it is a deep pain. I wish, more than anything, I could bring Maddie back to you. She was the most beautiful child and one, who will NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. . I promise you that Heather. She touched more lives in her short life. She has made me stop and be a better parent. She has stirred a desire for me to do more to help others. So much so, that I am starting my own non-profit. It is all because of your little girl.
She was the most wonderful little child and I wish I was in the same room with you to give you the biggest hug.
We are here for you as tomorrow looms.
*Hugs*
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Great Expectations for Jake =-.
lauracope says:
i don’t share this with too many people, but what the heck …
i lost both my parents too early, in sudden and tragic ways (i’m 26 now). after six years, i’m feeling like myself again — well, like a new self, anyway.
the only coping strategies i’ve found helpful are 1) time, not because you’ll ever get over it or feel better about it but because you’ll shift around, expand to make room for the sadness and it’ll be a little less overwhelming, 2) talking to people, those beloved friends who don’t walk on eggshells around the topic (i think you wrote an eloquent entry on this recently), and 3) training myself to never, ever, ever let the gruesome scenes from the end of their lives play out in my head without immediately forcing myself to jump to a fonder memory — not for myself, but them them; THEY wouldn’t want to be remembered that way. this little practice always shows me that i have many more good memories than i do bad. the latter will never outweigh the former. never. it’s the one thing i AM in control of.
i don’t mean to push advice on you; it’s just my two cents.
also, since this is my first time commenting: i love your blog and i appreciate you sharing your story and maddie’s. thank you.
gorillabuns says:
i’m not going to say anything nice because I know it doesn’t help other than, I get it and I wish I could get her back for you. Wish we could all wake up from this soap opera and realize it was all a fucked up dream.
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..b-u-n-n-y, b-u-n-n-y….. =-.
Vanessa says:
I’m so sorry. Life can be so unfair. There’s nothing I can say.
Al says:
I am so very sorry. I wish I had the right words to comfort you and take all of those bad memories away. Maddy has touched and changed my life, and I am just one of many “strangers” that can say that. Thank you for your honesty and sharing her with all of us. I will never forget her. Love to you and your family.
Gav says:
hey Heather – I know we’ve never met – but of course I’ve followed the spohrs journey vicariously through Ali. Maddie’s story has touched so many people and her short life has brought about so much good – even with the pain it left you all with.
Here’s praying that your darling girl will continue to shine in your heart for ever & always and her memory will be a blessing to us all.
We’ll be thinking of you on our walk in Atlanta.
Megan says:
I am so very sorry for your loss.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..McNabb Gets Traded =-.
Thais says:
i’ve never meet Maddie, but tonight i’ve dreamed of her all the night..she was just happy and shinning..i was really touched by her..what a wonderful little girl.
hugs
Thais
Catherine says:
Your loss is just not right, and I know there is no word to say that will help that. But I thank you for sharing the fullness of your memories of Maddie, whose laugh on your videos really seems to capture her unique spirit. Her luminance is remarkable.
Sasha says:
Although I never knew Madeleine, she lives on in my heart because of your words and your images. Thank you for sharing these – your pain, your love and your darling, beautiful daughters.
Becky @TheRealBecks says:
i’ve dreaded this day coming for a while now. we all carry maddie in our hearts and her memory will continue to carry on. i don’t have any words of wisdom or advice….i hate that you have to go through this. sending many prayers and love to you.
.-= Becky @TheRealBecks´s last blog ..How I spent my Easter =-.
Caroline says:
I’ll be wearing purple for Maddie tomorrow.
CM says:
Thinking of you.
JIll @BabyRabies says:
Heather, I’m thinking of you today. I’m so sorry you had to ever see those things, to live through all of that, and I hope you can find some comfort in the beautiful images and memories of Maddie that WILL live on. She continues to be and always will be a beautiful spirit. ((hugs))
.-= JIll @BabyRabies´s last blog ..I will NEVER =-.
bessie.viola says:
Sending love. I have been thinking of you and your family lately. I’ll be wearing purple for your girl tomorrow. Love, love, love and hugs from Michigan.
.-= bessie.viola´s last blog ..& I’m always gonna wanna blow your mind =-.
Amy Collen says:
Hugs always sweetie. You are in my thoughts. As always, we are still running that marathon with you :).
Much much love my dear friend…
Kristel says:
Thinking of you guys. Today. Tomorrow. Always. *hugs*
.-= Kristel´s last blog ..Come Visit Me! =-.
Miss Grace says:
The good memories will stay with you. Thinking of you sweet Heather, and of Mike and Maddie and Annie too.
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..Let’s have a good week! =-.
J. says:
Wrenching.
Thinking of you so much this week.
.-= J.´s last blog ..My penis is crying =-.
Mari says:
My heart is aching for you. Life is so unfair. I will always remember your beautiful Maddie.
mythoughtsonthat says:
No, it’s not.
Faith….Hope….Love….Peace.
Bridget says:
Thinking of you. I’m just one of the many who want to support you and carry you through this horrendous anniversary.
Jenny from Madison says:
Dear Heather,
Thinking of you, Mike, Annie & Madeline with lots of love, hope, strength and courage. Please know Madeline will never be forgotten. You are in my thoughts & heart. XXXOOO
vickie says:
We don’t know eachother, but I think of your family so often. I so deeply wish for you that the horror of this fades & the good memories, no the Great memories, will last a lifetime. They have to – you have created such a wonderful catalog/diary of Maddie. My daugher has been in purple all weel : )
BakerGirl says:
Heather,
There simply aren’t words for what you went through and continue to go through. Maddie will never be forgotten thanks to the blog and your activism. I’ve never had or lost a child but I have lost people very dear to me and while you learn to live, they never leave your mind or heart.
Stay strong and give Annie lots of kisses (Mike too)…
.-= BakerGirl´s last blog ..More Decor Love =-.
Angela says:
I’m sorry, Heather and Mike.
Angela
jodi says:
I woke up remembering what today is and was. I wish that today was the anniversary of nothing for you and Mike. I wish that life wasn’t so effed up. I wish I knew you in real life.
Not that my words will be any comfort to you, but yours have been an inspiration to me. If I were friends with you, I’d hug you and I would never forget.
Like many other readers, we are all in purple today.
With love and blessings,
jodi
Sara Joy says:
I can’t stop thinking about you today, and I know it will be Maddie, Mike, Heather and Annie on my mind when I wake tomorrow.
I know that doesn’t change anything, but we’re all here for you, all wishing thinigs were different, all just loving you through these days.
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..You Capture – Feet =-.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Sweet Heather – there are no words that I can say that will change the pain in the words that you have written here. Just that you’re so right – it’s all wrong, it isn’t supposed to be that way. All I can do for you today is keep you and Mike and sweet precious Maddie in my heart and prayers and pray that the good memories will one day fade out the terrible ones somewhat. Maddie has made such a difference in my life and so many others – and only wish for your sake she was making that difference safe in your arms.
We love you guys. We wish we could change it for you. We hurt with you but we will never know how devastating that hurt is for you. Love and many hugs and many many thoughts of Maddie this day and this week and every day.
Tricia and family xoxoxoxox
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Singleness of Purpose =-.
Kristin says:
Keep writing about the good memories and then they will never go away. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Go Duke! =-.
U. says:
I’m so sorry you lost such a precious girl…
Ray says:
My heart cries for you.
Amanda M. says:
It’s hard to believe the sun is shining today. I’m wearing purple today, as I did yesterday, and as I will tomorrow too.
.-= Amanda M.´s last blog ..Housewife Tales, Part 2: Baking =-.
Lynnette says:
This is probably going to sound weird, but Just breathe today and tomorrow. Get back to trying to more than exist afterward. You, Mike, Maddie, and Annie are very much loved.
Erin says:
I’m so sorry Heather. You and Mike and sweet Annabel are in my thoughts, today, tomorrow, and forever.
Sam says:
Because you have bravely and generously shared Maddie’s life with us, we remember with you…and it hurts. Not as much as it hurts for you, but any mama or daddy out there…we do hold our child that much closer, and thank God for whatever blessings are ours. I know Maddie was a precious little girl, and she still is…I wish she could be here, enjoying her little sister. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you, but sending prayers for peace and comfort up on your behalf.
.-= Sam´s last blog ..discovery fun =-.
Hollee says:
Something that helped me during a really hard time was when someone I barely knew said that I was a strong person. I don’t know why, but that helped me so much. I don’t know you, Heather, but I do know you are a strong person. I hope this helps, even a tiny little bit, today.
.-= Hollee´s last blog ..Talk-Back Tuesday: “The Happiness Project” Edition =-.
Con says:
I’m so very sorry… I’ll be thinking and praying for you and Maddie today.
Mary says:
No, this ISN”T the way it was supposed to be. Keeping you & yours in my prayers & thoughts. Sending love your way…
~Mary
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Easter Brings Eggs! =-.
Parker says:
I deal with death every day in my job..but the death of a child, especially one as precious and full of life as Maddie was, is just WRONG..there is no other way to describe it..it’s just wrong..I am so sorry that you have to live with those images in your mind..thinking of you and your family..wearing purple for Maddie
ryanandjoesmom says:
Holding you and your family close this week and always. Love and hugs and strength.
xoxoxo
.-= ryanandjoesmom´s last blog ..What do the Chinese know anyway? =-.
katie says:
i’m sorry. i’m glad i got to “know” Maddie through her short life in your blog.
Debby says:
You have been on my mind this week. ((HUGS))
.-= Debby´s last blog ..HAPPY EASTER =-.
Yitzhak McSchwartz says:
The first anniversary of this kind is always the hardest. Just as there are times of happiness, there are also times of sadness. There is no rhyme or reason for it,.
Michelle says:
I don’t even know what to say – the pain I feel for you and Mike is real and you are in my thoughts countless times a day. I don’t want to minimize your pain or tell you it will get better, but I want you to know that you are loved and supported through this horrific time. I haven’t lost a child of my own, but I have lost a brother and 11 years later I can tell you that time has healed much. I think about him every day and I feel a hole in my soul every day, but I do have so so many wonderful memories, and that is what has carried us through. I hope that the support of your blog community along with your family and friends will help carry you through these dark, dark times and help to bring to the forefront (in time) mostly the happiest of memories of your Madeline.
Praying for your peace.
Capital Mom says:
I have been thinking of you today and I am sending you all my love.
.-= Capital Mom´s last blog ..Easter candy =-.
meg says:
Love to you today and to your amazing family! Maddie was so blessed to have you as her mom! I can’t believe that is has been a year. What strength you have shown to others and to your daughters. Take care of yourself. Take care of your Annie today as Maddie is looking over both of you with one of those big grins today!
.-= meg´s last blog ..LOTS OF Birthday Pics!!! =-.
tiff says:
Thinking of you Heather and Mike.
Wishing you strength and peace as you make it through this day.
Wishing you love and light as you remember your sweet angel girl
Wishing you hope and helping hands to lift you up and carry you through every single dark day.
We are having a balloon release this afternoon for William and there is a purple balloon going too; hoping to find it’s way to Maddie.
.-= tiff´s last blog ..When… =-.
alimartell says:
I hate that you have those shitty, shitty memories and I hate that they won’t ever go away for you. But those good ones…they won’t either. They will never fade. Maddie won’t allow it.
.-= alimartell´s last blog ..More Passover Things Learned. Day 6. The Water Edition. =-.
schoolofmom says:
No, it isn’t. It should never, ever be this way. It’s the worst thing, and I wish it didn’t happen, and I wish you didn’t have to live with it every day, and I wish that wishing would change anything. I’m so, so sorry. I’m praying that you will never forget one second of the wonderful, and that in time the awful will not be so immediate in your thoughts and heart.
Jessica says:
Your words make me cry nearly every time I visit your blog. And every time I walk away from another beautiful post, I squeeze my babies THAT much tighter.
I’m so sorry you have had to endure this pain. There are thousands of arms holding you all, and a beautiful light in your sweet Annie.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Easter Bonnet Parades and Pillow Fights =-.
Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4 says:
oh Heather my heart is breaking and tears are flowing like crazy.
I have the same horrible memories of Annie and we to cleaned her, held her, dressed her, swaddled her and we too walked away and left her all alone. The memory haunts me still and is the one that sticks with me the most. I try every day to remember and cherish the few moments I had with her before the horrible tragedy that took her from us and it is hard.
Because my cousin lives 3 hours away I didn’t have many moments with her during her short life. I rushed there when she was born premature I visited when she came home, there was no rush to get there too much I had the rest of my life to love her and get to know her right? WRONG
I spent more time watching sweet Annie die than I spent watching her live. It just shouldn’t be that way…. no one should have to endure such pain, but we have and we will be changed forever because of it.
I will be holding you all close to my heart this week and sending love and peace to you through this terrible time.
(((hugs))))
.-= Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4´s last blog ..Quick Last Minute Easter Bunny Craft =-.
Jen at Cabin Fever says:
This is absolutely soul crushingly horrible. As a nursing student and EMT I can’t imagine how hard it was on everyone trying to save your little girl. And beyond that I can’t even comprehend what this horrible ordeal is like for you. My thoughts are with you and may you find strength in your friends and family.
FyshWyfe says:
This post was very hard for me to read. When I imagine what you’ve been through and what you saw, as you just described it, I feel ill.
I’ve been thinking about you guys a lot lately, and I’ve been so so sad for you. My daughter’s about to turn 1, and her blonde hair has started to curl a bit. I keep thinking, “It looks like Maddie’s hair.” Then I pick her up and hold her so tight she starts to fuss. I always squeeze her just a little but longer than she’d like, because I know her tomorrows are not guaranteed.
Please know that you are not alone right now. There are thousands of people praying for you, mourning, and also celebrating Maddie’s life. As for us, we’ll be wearing purple tomorrow, and I’ll be thinking of you all day long.
<>
Emma says:
This was really, really tough to read.
Just as it should be.
Thinking of you and your family especially today, as well as too many other parents who have dealt with the same situation.
Jocasta says:
I’m so sorry.
When I was 17 my boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident. I was there holding his hand for the last moments of his life. I thought the horror of that would override the good memories. It did for a long time but those thoughts have faded.
I hope that this happens quickly for you and you are just left with the happy memories.
Denise says:
My heart aches… I am so, so sorry. Send many prayers, thoughts, strength, and the love and compassion of a complete stranger. I, too, will be wearing purple tomorrow in Maddie’s honor.
.-= Denise´s last blog ..Weekly Winners (Mar. 28 – Apr. 3) =-.
Angelique says:
Peace and love to you and Mike. When I close my eyes at night I see my brother and our mother in their caskets. My brother committed suicide at 15 and my mother’s death a year later was also ridiculously traumatic. I cannot relate to what you’re going through … no one could. Your own personal hell is a very private place. But I hurt for you. I, too, feel haunted by the images I see. My eyes fly open and my heart pounds and adrenaline races through my blood. I try to think of something else, anything else, to keep from going crazy. But even now, three years after my brother, it’s incredibly difficult. The anniversaries of their deaths are very hard for me. I cannot fathom what this week, this month, is for you. I can only wish for peace for you, and send you love from across the country and through the computer. Maddie is very missed you both are loved beyond measure.
Laurie says:
Back a third time for the day, because I can’t stop thinking about the four of you.
Nobody will ever be forced to walk away from Maddie’s memory. We won’t.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Easter 2010 =-.
madness says:
Thinking of your family today … and please know that I am celebrating Maddies life … because even though it was a short (much too short) life . It was a BIG life. Maddies purpose in this life continues today and will continue every tomorrow … this you can know for sure. God bless you, Heather Mike Annabelle and Maddie …
Jill says:
Hoping for the strength you will need to survive this day, this week and every other thing you must do without Maddie.
Personally, a year later, I am still having to make myself realise that just hoping really hard that this didn’t happen does nothing. But damn it if I still cannot believe that wanting a different ending so much won’t change what actually happened. Hugs to you all x
jill sarven says:
Peace…………………..
MaryBeth I says:
Maddie was beautiful. My prayers with you and your family, esp. tomorrow.
.-= MaryBeth I´s last blog ..Splenda Tastebook – Review =-.
Erin says:
I wish I could say something that would make a difference. Something that would make you feel better. Unfortunately, there are no words to make you feel better. Just know that all of us out here are thinking about you and Mike and Maddie and Annie. Lots of love and hugs.
Amy S. says:
Hugs to you. I’ve been thinking about y’all and wish I had the words to take away some of your pain.
metalia says:
Oh, Heather. Much love to you all. xoxo
Jacquie says:
This isn’t how life is supposed to be..
No truer words have ever been spoke. I’m so sorry…..
Cindy says:
I love Maddie and her amazing parents and beautiful sister, sending big hugs to you all.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
This heartbreak, I wish you never had to bear. I know you will forever have the good memories, she will always be with you.
Much love to you tonight.
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..It sticks. =-.
kris says:
i just weep for you…….
Mary says:
The what-ifs are what we think about when the pain is fierce. The what-weres are what we remember when the clouds move away. As I make it through the 2nd anniversary of my husband’s death, I will be thinking of you all as tomorrow arrives and time continues to move even though we might want it to stop. Although I can’t do anything to make it easier for you to get through, I and many others will be there in spirit to help you dry your tears, to remember Maddie even though we never met her, and to carry you on the last mile as the day closes.
linzandkenzsmommy says:
Appreciate your honesty and truly have no words other than I am so sorry that you had/have to endure such pain and loss.
Hoping someday peace will find you!!
.-= linzandkenzsmommy´s last blog ..Happy 2nd Birthday Kendal! =-.
thenextmartha says:
Every time I see her picture I am in awe of her light. I pray that you are still able to feel it all around you, squeezing when you need it most. XO
Taylor says:
I am so sorry. Your words are gut wrenching, excruciating, real. I think of you, your sweet girls, and your family on a daily basis. I am not a prayerful person – but I have said several prayers in the last year for you and your family. I wish you as much peace and comfort as possible during this time.
kim/hormone-colored days says:
My love to your and your family.
Jenni Williams says:
No. It’s not supposed to be that way. Not at all. My heart is with your family.
.-= Jenni Williams´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: For Maddie =-.
Kayla says:
There are no words for the horror you’ve seen, for the horror that has befallen you. But, there are plenty of words for the beautiful things. For giggles, smiles, laughter, cuddles, hugs, snuggles, giant open-mouthed kisses, and little clapping hands.
It was supposed to be a lifetime of all of that, and so, so much more. It wasn’t though – and for that, I will be here in spirit and thought while you grieve the loss of your beautiful sweet daughter.
As always, I am so terribly sorry, and I love you.
Kristen says:
I wish I had some words to comfort you this week, but everything falls short. Just know that so many people are thinking of you and Mike, and of course sweet Maddie. She’ll never be forgotten.
Mary says:
Heather and Mike…I am holding you up in my thoughts and heart as I do everyday. My heart aches for you both and all you have had to endure. Words fail me. Even though I do not know you, I love you and pray for you each day. I will always remember Madeline. I look at a few of her pictures each day and it makes my day to see such a beautiful, happy, abundantly loved little girl. You and Mike gave her the world. I will continue to hold you up.
Stephanie says:
I lost one of my dearest friends in a sudden way. Not equivalent, I know. But I wanted to tell you that the memories, eventually, do soften and the bad does fade. It takes more time than I’d wish for anyone.
I suppose, more than even saying the rest, I hope you know that I’m keeping your family in my prayers and thoughts. Despite being a perfect stranger, my heart is with you.
Addie says:
Tomorrow, my daughter & I are going to have a “Maddie day”. We are going to draw her pictures, take a walk (hopefully we’ll have sunshine!) and I’m going to treat her to a balloon that we’ll send up into the sky. I know, terrible for the environment, but tomorrow I don’t care. As sad a day it is in our hearts, we are going to celebrate the beautiful child Maddie was, and will always be. We will be thinking of you and your family all day and sending warm hugs and kisses.
kelly says:
love and hugs. I wish I could give you more. I wish I could give you peace.
Always in my thoughts.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Little drummer girl =-.
Laurie SL says:
Heather, I am crying out for your broken heart. You are so loved by people you know and people you never met (like me). We all love you and we all love and miss Maddie. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
Angie says:
Heather, my heart just breaks for you and your family. It’s not at all fair and nothing about the past year makes any sense. Annie shouldn’t be the oldest/only child. Maddie should be there, kissing her and sharing with her. You should be chasing Maddie at the park and looking at “bay bee ducks” and doing all the marvelous things 2 year olds do, with a snuggly, wonderful infant in your arms.
As devastating as it is, your good memories of Maddie will never, ever fade. I’ve never met you, but I can’t believe that would happen. The good memories can never fade because you have thousands of photos and videos to keep her alive. They aren’t enough, and nothing will replace the feeling of your precious baby girl in your arms, I know. But you have so many beautiful memories and photos to share with Annie that the good memories can never fade. Your last day with Maddie will always be with you, but so will the smell of her shampoo, and her laughter, and everything else that made her so beautiful.
I don’t know if this helps, but I hope it does. It’s not fair, and it isn’t right. Everyday I marvel at your strength and sense of humor that has pushed you through to this day. Annie has one hell of a mother, and a gorgeous, wonderful big sister who can teach her a lot about the world once she’s a little older. Annie will learn about sharing and laughing and loving music, all from Maddie. No one, not even your memory, can take all that away from you and your family.
.-= Angie´s last blog ..Parmesan Shrimp & Scallops =-.
Rachael says:
I wish I had something more to offer, but today I just have thoughts, prayers and BIG HUGS for you.
kathy says:
God bless you. Thinking of you and your family during these most difficult days.
MarchRhodus says:
my thoughts and prayers are with you. always.
Jennifer says:
I am so sorry for your sadness, but at the same time so grateful for what you remind me of, and teach me not to take forgranted.
Jess says:
Thinking of you, Mike, and your two beautiful angels today, tomorrow, and everyday since I learned about your family. Thank you for sharing your story and your family with us every day and for reminding me to appreciate the small things. Madeline will never be forgotten.
Suzie-a stranger from IA says:
You are near to my heart and heavy on my mind…praying for strength for you all. Your ‘happy’ memories will never fade….Love to you all!
merlotmom says:
Was in Dr. Loove’s office today and thought of you guys. I think of Maddie often. None of us will never forget our beautiful memories of Maddie and neither will you. You took too many pictures and videos for that to ever happen. Love you.
merlotmom says:
ever forget…not never. oops.
C M says:
I ache for you and am so, so sorry. We’re strangers, but I’ve been thinking of you and your beautiful family all week and pray for some comfort for you. It’s just not fair. It isn’t. I wish I could make it different.
mommymae says:
all of these 300 plus comments and all of the email you’ve surely received are big fucking hugs to you guys.
.-= mommymae´s last blog ..epiphanie bag crazy-awesome contest – updated with video =-.
Liliana says:
Another night reading you and thinking of you. The good times with Maddie where so much fun and special to ever fade. HUGS!
Haley says:
Hugs for you guys. I have no words really. Just hugs.
.-= Haley´s last blog ..Getting My Fill =-.
mel says:
my thoughts and prayers are with you. Such an experience that no person should have to endure.
Many hugs from all the way around the other side of the world, Australia.
Michelle H. says:
Thinking of you today and sending you prayers for peace. I remember Maddie and will never forget her.
Janet says:
No, this isn’t how it was supposed to be. I can hardly think of anything more unfair. Much love and strength to your family on this hardest of days.
Amanda says:
No it isn’t and I’m so sad that you and Mike have had to go through this. Sending prayers your way that the good memories will dull those bad ones.
Mkrg_Mama says:
My heart is broken for you today. I wish you peace and strength and sending love from a stranger.
.-= Mkrg_Mama´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Makes My Heart Melt =-.
Sara says:
Heather, I just read the following entry on Sheye Rosemeyer’s blog; it’s sad, but maybe somewhat hopeful.
Thinking of you.
http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/2010/03/fear-less/
Kelly says:
Heather and Mike,
I am wishing you peace, comfort, and love in your sorrow on this sad day…may the joy you experienced in every moment during Maddie’s short 17 months of life, buoy you and give you strength to continue each new day without her.
And with as much love as you two have for her, I can only imagine that the pain will dull over time, but the wonderful memories will continue to burn brightly in your hearts and minds.
This web site is such a loving, vibrant tribute to Maddie each and every day! You two should be so proud of all you’ve done to honor Maddie’s sweet little life, and continue to do so – especially in the gift of helping Annabel truly know her big sister.
Two Makes Four says:
Like many others, I wish I had words for you. I was thinking about you today and realized why. I don’t know how you do it, how you keep writing and moving forward. And I mean that in a good way, that you have strength somewhere in you that I don’t know that I have.
Keep writing.
.-= Two Makes Four´s last blog ..Because It’s Been A While =-.
Candice says:
*shudder*
I can’t even imagine. No one should ever have to face the horrors you have!!! I’m so, so sorry!
.-= Candice´s last blog ..Toddler Birthday Party =-.
Al_Pal says:
*sniff*
It’s pretty unfathomable.
We hold you in our hearts. Maddie is remembered. xoxo
mellehcimb says:
I’m so, so sorry. There really are no words. My heart breaks for you.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Jenna says:
I just watched the tribute you made for Maddie when she passed. I wanted to see her beautiful radiant smile…
Your Maddie will live through everyone she has touched!