Before I was married and had children, I lived at the beach and liked to surf. I’d jump on a board and paddle out into the ocean. It was so peaceful off the shore. I would often sit on my board and enjoy the solitude before surfing in.
Surfing is exhilarating. When you catch a wave and ride it in, you feel like you can do anything.
I would have days when I would just rule at surfing. I’d catch most waves, and I’d ride that high for weeks.
And then I’d have the bad days. I couldn’t catch a wave. I’d get one, only to lose my balance and fall off my board. But I’d keep trying.
And then there was the worst day. The water was cold, the waves were big and unforgiving. They rolled in sets of three, and I could see them coming, bigger and bigger. The only way to get to the beach was to ride a wave in, knowing that I was out of my skill level and there was a 100% chance I’d be chewed up.
I caught a wave, and tried to ride it in. The water broke messy and pounded around me. My board flew out from under me, and I was thrown in the water. I wasn’t smart enough to take the third wave in the set, so just when I’d found the surface another wave would pound me back under. And my mind briefly flashed, “what if I don’t get out of this?”
Eventually I made it to the shore after being dragged along the bottom of the ocean, coughing and choking on sand and sea water. I curled up into a ball and swore I’d never do it again. I went home and stayed inside, but I’d look longingly at the other surfers. The ones that hadn’t been through a horrible wipeout. The ones that had never swallowed a gallon of seawater.
Eventually the ache in my throat and belly subsided. My sand burns went away. I started to feel better, and I went back to the beach. Not the same. Much more cautious. Afraid of getting pulled under for good.
There are some big, messy waves coming at me. I can see them on the horizon. I am preparing to be battered. But every now and then the ocean gets control and a rogue wave comes and knocks me off my feet, pulling me under, down, and I don’t know how I’ll get back to the surface.
Four Gambel Girls and a Guy - documenting the adventures we call life says:
You have and will continue to amaze me…..you have already gotten on that surfboard and made it to shore ~ you can do it again…even if you get battered on the way in. Keep swimming ~ don’t give up….we are all out here rooting for you!
Maria says:
When we go into the ocean we can’t help but try and get out, someway, ANY way.. but you have some amazing buoys there that you can hold onto until the waves stop crashing on you – Mike, Annie and your memories of your precious Maddie.
Veronika says:
You used to surf? You rock even more now.
You can get through this Heather. All of us are cheering you on. I wish I had a better way of saying this, but I just don’t have the words. There are so many people out here just holding out their hands for you to grab a hold if you need it. I know I can’t make your pain go away or even just better, but I am praying and loving on your family as much as I can. {{ hugs }}
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Thinking of you…
Sue says:
Heather,
In times like these; I just wish that the thousands of readers, that you have, could all surround you, in person, and hold you, and pamper you until the pain lessened. Thinking of you each and every day………………………..
Sherri says:
What ^ they all said, though much more eloquently than I could. Everyone is rooting for you, holding out their hands, hoping to help you in any way they can. It blows my mind how much you can care for someone you have never even met, but there are so so so many people out there who have come to love the entire Spohr family just through your writing and love.
HUGS!
karen says:
Just keep afloat…and breathing…and let the riptide take you where it will, and when it settles, you come back to shore. That’s how you survive. As if you didn’t already know.
Catherine says:
Annie’s hand and Mike’s hand are pulling you up. You know they are. And Maddie too, always. Hug that chubby cheeked sweetie pie and smile, please.
Be well.
Jenny says:
I know this really was not the point of your post but now I really wish I could live on the beach in CA and learn to surf.
I don’t imagine it will “get better”. However, I hope that your mind and body continue to find new coping skills to keep you up on that board. Best wishes.
Michelle says:
I so wish I had a way to comfort you and make you feel better.
Heather says:
You have a life line. You have Annie, Mike and every wonderful moment of Maddie.
Sometimes it’s hard to hold on to the people who can help us, to open up and talk to them about it. I know from your blog you can write some of it out, but let’s be honest… only small portion of your hurt comes out here? I hope you’re taking the lead and letting others take care of you when you’re stuggling.
Kristin says:
You’ll make it back to shore Heather. That same awful force that pulls you down and under also brings you back up if you just let it. Besides that, the Amazing Annabel, her sidekick Rigby, and Mike will be there offering you a hand.
Jenn says:
Just hold out your hand and we will bring you up to the surface! You are not alone…not now, not when it’s Maddie’s b-day not EVER. Trust my dear friend….trust we have your back!
Love,
J
Meg...CT says:
Wishing you peace, love, and happiness
amanda says:
We will ALL help you to the surface. There is no way we are letting you go under. xoxoxoxo
Editdebs says:
Let the love from all those who surround you (either physically or online) help keep you afloat. You have so many people holding out life preservers.
Deborah says:
Thinking of you as always, Heather. I know that Maddie’s birthday is coming up next month and I can’t imagine how hard it will be for you to live through again. Praying that you can find some peace in the midst of this huge, crashing wave.
(((hugs)))
Nikki says:
Agreed x 1,000.
Sending you lots of love!!!
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Lisa says:
Throwing you a lifeline. You’ll make it out because you have so many people standing on shore waiting for you, helping you, willing you to make it out.
Love and hugs. Just great big hugs and tons of love.
Brandy says:
I have been having a lot of those waves lately that seem to revolve around the loss of my father 8 years ago. 8 years. I still don’t know how that’s possible. Anyway, I’m thinking about you and know that the waves won’t take us down.
Courtney says:
Heather, this is so beautifully written. I wish that the ocean really did just represent the ocean, and not what it really represents for you. I don’t usually comment but I read every day and I hope, somehow, that I can help keep you afloat through this.
lauren says:
You have some rough days ahead…But your friends, family and the online community is here to hold you up, steady you and we will make sure you don’t go under and not come back up.
We all support you.
Michelle says:
I know the wave of Maddie’s birthday is near. I share the birthday with her and I will always remember. I will cry too. It is still so shockingly unfair. I am astounded at your bravery as you move through life each day. You have a community here and I am sure in your real life to help pull you up out of the waves. To help hold you up while you catch your breath.
“…you must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” ~henry david thoreau
You are Maddie and Annie’s mom. You can do hard things.
Lynnette says:
“You are Maddie and Annie’s mom. You can do hard things.”
Well put. As Maddie and Annie’s Mom, you can survive this round of waves. Let your hands follow the bubbles up (if that applies in oceans too) and you will find your family and friends reaching out to grab you. Hugs.
Kimberly says:
Heather: I am so sorry those big, horrible waves are back there; I wish with all my heart you will have nothing but days of catching every wave and riding it to the fullest. But I know that is not to be. I am happy you have your family, your friends, Mike and little Annie to help you along. Love and hugs.
eliza says:
We’re all here. I know this is a hard time coming up in November. We’re all here very day and cheering you on.
Elizabeth says:
You have such a way with words, it’s amazing. I’m not even sure what else to say, I just hope you know you have an amazing support system at home and here.
Bella says:
If I could, I would change this scene for you. It would still be the ocean. It would still be you being pulled under by a force bigger than yourself. But you would look around for help, and know how many of us are right there next to you, ready to hold your hand and help you back to the surface. How many of us would help you back to shore, and sit with you in silence until you caught your breath. How we would paddle back out with you and surround you once again as you took on the waves. We are here. We cannot challenge the waves for you, but we can and will lift you back out.
Much much love.
Trisha Vargas says:
Hang on to us…Hang on to Mike and Annie..Hang on to Maddie’s sweet memories and FOM..hang on to all of us! We will help pull you out. The undertow will not win.
I wish there was some way I could lessen your heartache and pain.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Lara says:
Oh (((HEATHER!!!))) big old virtual squeezy hugs for you!!!
You will get to the surface, because you are strong, resilient and have an incredible love for that sweet, chubby, doll of a baby. Let Annie be your lifeline. Let the love you have for your husband and BOTH of your daughters be what drives you through this wave and the next and the one after that.
Just don’t let the damn ocean of sadness swallow you up. Fight, fight with all you can.
You have been dealt blows that only someone who has lost a child can understand. I don’t understand the level of pain, and I pray that I never will. I wish I could carry some of the pain, and burden you do… I would do that in a heartbeat. Hang in there.
Chrisie says:
(((HUGS)))
Jennifer says:
You are the epitomy of strength. Thank you for sharing your pain. Know that you are never alone and you have support from your readers. I truly wish I could take the pain away from so you can have some peace. You certainly deserve it. Hang in there!
suzanne says:
We’ll be here throwing you lifelines. Annie’s face will be smiling at you from the surface, and if you reach up to her, I know you will break through and find your breath. And somehow, Madeline is also pulling you up from the undertow and into the daylight with your family, where you belong. Much love to you — I’ll be thinking of you every day this month.
Also, totally cool that you surfed.
Lisa says:
Thinking of you today – just keep swimming the best you are able. Having had severe postpartum depression following the birth of both of my sons, I can identify with the feeling as if you are being swallowed up or are drowning. Know people care about you and are on your side – always – through good days and bad. Lisa
Anna says:
Saying a prayer for you right now, Heather.
Kristin says:
You’ll get there. I know you will. Just hang on for dear life and don’t let the tide pull you under. Hang on for Maddie, hang on for Annie, hang on for Mike, but most of all, hang on for yourself.
Think of it this way… if the ocean never had waves, no one would ever surf and then what fun would that be?
Meg says:
You really need to write a book. Your writing is amazing. You will hang on and continue to get up on that surfboard, no matter how hard- for Annie and for Maddie! Your 2 precious girls are so lucky to have a mom like you!
eliza says:
Big fat Amen to this.
Another Heather says:
Amazing post, Heather. Stay on your board out there, and catch the last wave in. You can do it. We love you.
Leslie says:
I haven’t commented in a long time, but I do read every day. There is no “getting over” or “moving on” from what you have endured, it just doesn’t happen like that. I’m sorry that you are facing this difficult time of year yet again. You are in my thoughts daily as you fight this battle. You are never, and will never be alone in your pain. You have many fighting by your side even if you can’t see us.
Alexandria says:
My thoughts and prayers are with you. When you are hurting know you have all of your family and friends love around you.
Karen says:
Oh Heather, I I don’t know what to say. We are all pulling for you to catch that third wave. Ditto what Meg and Another Heather said. We all love you!
Amber Skalicky says:
I am going to combine my thoughts from yesterday and todays post.
My first thought is, You have already succeeded at not being a failure as you wrote yesterday, You got up, fed your baby, and wrote. Then today, you got up, fed your baby, and wrote. Those there my friend are two small waves you “caught” and rode like a warrior princess. Every day you live is another wave, some will bring great exhileration as in the “big”wave that keeps you higher than a kite, and some like yesterday and today will be the “small” waves, that you ride not so smoothly, but you still caught and rode. The only time you become a failure, is the day you wake up, throw your computer out the window, walk away from your family and give up… since we all know you will NEVER do that, than your already succeeding, not failing. You are fantastic, and NORMAL, so do not think for one second that you didn’t do everything anyone else would have, and you succeeded as much as anyone else would have, and you’ve done it in a manner, most of us wouldn’t be able to accomplish as gracefully as you have. Hugs from the Iowa crew, and I hope you’ve figured out what you are all doing for halloween, I’m sure Miss Maddie is just waiting impatiently to see you all from her room with a view Amber
Amy Simmons says:
If that rogue wave does come and knock you down again; know that we are all here to support you. I read your blog every day and have read every post from the beginning. You can weather the storm. You are strong. And when you don’t feel strong, we will be strong for you. We love you, Mike, Maddie, Annie and of course Rigby.
Praying for you,
Amy
Kristin says:
Hugs and love that is all I can offer. I have this same feeling. I tell everyone I am drowning in and ocean of my own pain. But I know how much worse yours must be. So I offer you hugs and love.
Melissa says:
This beautifully written post reminds me of my favorite Jason Mraz song, “Unfold”. He even uses the anaology of being stuck in an undertow. Music always is my therapy so I thought maybe you’d want to give it a listen.
I’m so sorry for all that you have gone through and still continue to go through. Losing a child is my very worst nightmare. I think of Maddie every day. In fact, I wear a purple thread around my wrist always to remind myself who fast your life can be turned upside down. When I’m angry at my kids, I look down at my wrist and remember to be happy that they are still with me.
Even though nothing will ever replace Maddie’s presence with you, I hope you know that she’s touched so many lives, including mine. I hope that, despite the intense loss you feel, gives you some comfort. Maddie will never be forgotten.
MamaCas says:
You’ll get back to the surface…one way or another. I have total faith in you.
Glenda says:
Heather…. your writing amazes me! Beautiful post… you should write a book!
Just keep swimming… you can do it!!!!! and I’ll be here to cheer you on!!!!! Don’t give up!!!!!
Keep swimming for Maddie… show her how strong you can be.
Keep swimming for Annie… show her that all you’ve endured you still want to be here for her because she is your life.
Keep swimming for yourself and Mike… for your ever lasting love and commitment… you both are amazing parents!!! Sending you hugs!!!
Jenny says:
You have such a way with words, what a beautiful and disturbing vision you have painted for us to let and old experience parallel how you are feeling now. After the first two waves pound you, you can take that third one in. You have more experience now, experience that you wish you didn’t have, but it’s there, helping you navigate. Dates and memories and what ifs are waiting out there to haunt you – I only hope you can see through the dark fog just enough to celebrate, a little, for the broken and imperfect life you do have – because it is beautiful, and so are you. Inside and out. We are all so drawn to you and the way you navigate the waves and the storms. You are supported. You are loved. You will not get pulled under for good. Much love to you!
kate says:
The ocean can be a magical place, too. Go paddle out and sit on your surf board and talk to your Maddie.
Laney says:
Sometimes I feel that anything I write in this little comment box won’t be remotely adequate in conveying how I FEEL.
How I feel is that you are strong, you are brave (just like Maddie) and that–no matter what–I have faith that you’ll keep swimming.
And you won’t have to do it alone. We’ll all be here, offering lifelines.
domestic extraordinaire says:
Oh Heather….my heart is breaking for you. I can’t even imagine the pain and grief the invitation washed over you. You didn’t fail. You guys did an excellent job with Maddie. She was so loved and happy in those 514 days she was here on the earth. And now, Maddie lives on. While I know that you would want nothing better than to have Maddie there with you, you guys have done amazing things in her name & will continue to do so. Its okay to grieve and look back and wonder what-if. Lord knows when I see a set of twins walking around it stabs me in the heart and I always wonder, but not always. And then when I realize that I didn’t get upset I get upset because I wasn’t upset.
I wish I could be there to give you hugs and just give you a shoulder. Know that we are always thinking of you & Mike & Annie & especially Maddie.
(((HUGS)))
Kelly says:
God, I so understand this being pulled under feeling. I have something different thing pulling me under of course, but it’s still so hard.
Becca says:
As Dory on “Finding Nemo” says, ” Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming.”
You can do this.
Miriam says:
Heather –
You are an incredibly strong person and an amazing mother. Your words, whether, happy or sad, touch me on a daily basis. And by extension Madeline touches me on a daily basis, I think of her each time I come to your blog. I hope knowing how much your family, all four (five w/Rigby) of you have touched so many lives will provide some small measure of comfort to you.
Miriam
Paula says:
When one comes along to pound us down into the seaweed and muck another comes along and buoys us to the surface, sunshine, and warmth.
Katie in WI says:
I read this post early this morning and didn’t know what to comment, so I thought I just wouldn’t.
But your words, the breathtaking and heartbreaking analogy, have stayed with me all day.
I read all of your posts and I laugh or cry or feel like I can relate to them all. But now I see that I have had NO idea, whatsoever, your pain, your grief.
For some reason this post has made me see more clearly what you’re going through. And my heart hurts for you. And I just wanted to say that although I only know you through your blog, I feel close to you. And thank you, again and again, for sharing.
(re-reading this, I feel like it doesn’t make sense, but I can’t make it more clear, so I’ll just leave it )
Amy says:
Wow, Heather, you surf. You SURF. That is so amazing. You are so amazing.
Mary says:
A lifeline of hundreds of people, all standing together, will reach very far and very deep into the ocean. So wherever you are and however far you go under, the line will still reach. And we will hold the line until you get back to shore, no matter how long it takes. You are strong and courageous. The fight in you cannot be stamped out by even a crashing wave.
Jen says:
You know, that you come here and fight for oxygen despite the relentless waves pounding you down says something tremendous about the strength of your spirit and your will to carry on. No one would fault you for succumbing to it all. Because you could. And somewhere we’d get it. We would. But you won’t. Because every time you rise from the wake, you bring forward something so amazing and true. There’s no medal for it, at least not the medal you are so rightfully owed. But when you can’t make it to shore on your own, we’ll carry you there…we’ll carry you there for all the days you carry us. You amazing, strong girl, you.
Hold fast for shore. We’re here…
leena says:
Heather,
i know I can never have the words to really help. I can just let you know that I think of you and your family often and keep you in my prayers. Reading your post reminded me of a some lyrics from a song by Casting Crowns ” Who Am I”
Who am I?
That the voice that calm the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am.
But because what of youve done.
Not because of what I’ve done.
But because of who you are.
Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I’m calling,
Lord you catch me when I’m falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.
Sarah says:
You have hundreds of lifeguards out here! We’re all ready to dive in and help. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger – just keep focused and give yourself the chance to have down days.
I’m rooting for YOU!
page says:
Oh, Heather.
First of all, you write beautifully.
I followed your link, and it took my breath away. I still feel a little sick to my stomach. Your words and the sight of the invite gave me pause. and I sat for a moment holding my husband’s hand and being ever so wonderfully grateful for everything beautiful in our lives.
I don’t have children, though not for lack of trying. I cannot even imagine how you feel, yet your words wrap around me daily and bravely take me along on your journey. I want to give you hugs, cry tears for you, and am completely eviscerated by things like this, even though i don’t know you personally.
I think you are brave, wise and beautiful, and am so glad for all of your blessings, one being the strength and clarity you possess.
Hugs and a soft pat on the back from Oregon.