I am having a moment where I am overwhelmed. I’m quick to anger, and if you’re not careful I’ll bite your head off. I work so hard to push down this down. I live by the expression “fake it ’til ya make it.” Right now I just cannot fake it.
I want to sit and cry over what is missing and not feel guilty for momentarily not appreciating what I have. I want to be a good person but sometimes I can’t help but be jealous of the problems other people have. I can’t stop myself from sneering and rolling my eyes when no one is looking.
In my mind I’m screaming, “Your problem is fixable! Mine is irrevocably broken!” but I would never ever say that. Everyone’s problems are legitimate. Everyone’s problems are hard. I just want THEIR problems instead of my own. I want to trade with someone for a day and not bear the crushing weight of grief.
Just writing this makes me feel awful. I want to be a good friend. I want to help people with their problems. I don’t want to drop perspective on people. How annoying is that selfish person, the one that listens to your problems and then one-ups you? I never ever want to be like that.
Is this the anger stage of grief? I don’t know. I don’t like it.
I feel blessed and cursed. These emotions swirl inside of me and sometimes they just explode and it’s a big mess.
The guilt over even writing this is intense. What am I trying to accomplish? I guess I just want to understand myself. I don’t want to feel like a terrible person when I want to yell at someone when they say their life sucks. I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t want to feel alone.
Or maybe I’ll just delete this.
lynette polinder says:
please don’t delete it. i think your honesty is refreshing. and i can relate to so much of it as a mother who also lost her daughter much too soon.
Nori says:
Don’t delete it, Heather. Ugliness is understandable. Anger is expected. Be pissed off. I can’t imagine anyone who’s read this blog for more than a few days would ever think you weren’t grateful for what you have. And if they do… then their opinions aren’t worth a second thought anyway.
You are a brave and beautiful person, Heather Spohr. Don’t you ever forget it.
Megan says:
Nori says it perfectly.
God bless, Megan
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Hugs, Heather. You are NOT a terrible person, and you are not alone. We all feel overwhelmed at times (even those of us with trivial problems or griefs compared to yours) and all want to swap with someone else. Most of us aren’t strong enough or brave enough to admit it, perhaps even to ourselves. You are strong and brave and beautiful and you’re allowed to be angry and guilty for feeling angry and we don’t think the worse of you for it.
So… hugs.
Heidi H says:
Although it is not close to the same as your situation, it is exactly how I felt in the midst of infertility. That pain and grief overshadowed my life every waking moment when I was in the midst of it. I could function. I had moments that made me smile, but my heart was never truly happy and there wasn’t a moment I forgot what I was unable to do anything about to make it better.
So while I know our experiences are so very different, I can understand a little bit what you are trying to express, though I was never brave enough to actually voice them as you have. I have no wise or comforting words, just hugs and a little, tiny bit of understanding.
Rachel says:
I truly understand what you mean…I have to avoid facebook somedays, because everyday is another announcement of people having kids, or getting pregnant…even my sister, who is 5 years younger than me, crying every month when she is not pregnant. I have to bite my tongue to not yell “BUT YOU OVULATE! I’M 30 AND GOING INTO MENOPAUSE!”
Heather, it isn’t fair what you are going through…but do know that you are loved…
Amy K says:
Heather, I’ve never been in your shoes, but I can honestly say that I think anyone who’s been through a loss like yours would feel the exact same way. There aren’t many problems in the world that could compare. It’s okay to be angry and want to switch lives sometimes. It might not feel good, but it’s natural.
debi says:
You have the right to feel how you feel. When you wrote “the crushing weight of grief” that is about the most fitting way to explain this pain you are going through. I have gone through something like this but my baby was only 3 weeks old and I feel certain that it would have been so much more pain the older he was. We can see how hard you try to rise above the consuming sadness and be fun and funny for your Anabelle. You are amazing. It’s okay Heather, do what you need to do to make it through another day. I care, debi
rachel cortest says:
Debi,
The pain of losing a three week old baby is just as horrible as the pain I have after losing my 15 year old to suicide. Pain is pain and grief is grief. One of my best friends lost her baby 12 hours after he was born. He would be five now. She mourns him every day. I have 15 years of memories and you only have three weeks of memories. I am grateful for those memories. In TCF we never compare grief. I am sorry that you lost your baby. Hugs
Tam says:
Heather, through everything that comes with losing a child, I’ve learnt one thing that stays with me. Anger comes in many forms. It appears as frustration, denial, hurt, sarcasm and then the outright form, of anger. It’s ugly yes, but it’s also a very important part of what you are going through, what WE are going through.
Life is just shit sometimes. And seeing other people complain about their car that broke down, the washing that got wet when it rained or the husband that ate the last chocolate biscuit drives me insane. It’s not rational, I know that, You know that. But it’s a part of what IS, at least right now. It will pass. The anger will recede, and come back a different day in a different manifestation. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human. Don’t delete your post. In a different time, when things are different, feel different or are happening differently, it will be good for you to be able to come back here, to this place and see what you were dealing with, and more importantly how you came through it.
Honesty isn’t always pretty. But being honest with yourself and us will let you find peace, and find that “new” normal. x
debi says:
What a heartfelt comment.
Amy Collen says:
Well said, Tam!
Trisha Vargas says:
Beautifully said Tam.
MS says:
Very well said. Feel what you’re feeling Heather, ugly or not. Its okay to deal with your grief in whatever way you can. Its a survival thing, right? Others complain about their struggles (which are markedly less than yours), but not to hurt you. If you’re “faking it” too well, they may not know how much you’re still (always) hurting. Wishing you peaceful thoughts.
Jacquie says:
Beauitufully said Tam.
That old “walk a mile in someone’s shoes” comes to mind, I am the 1st to complain about the “silly” stuff as are many others. The next time I do I will think of your lovely Maddie, a perspective I was clueless about until I found your blog Heather.
I’m so sorry (redundant I know) I’m glad you didn’t delete this post.
debi says:
Forgive me please for the spelling of Annabel. My daughters get so irked when the names of their kids are spelled wrong.
Amanda M. says:
This is me trying really hard to look down on you for not being perfect.
…
…Nope, can’t pull it off. Sorry.
I know how you feel, though to a much lesser degree. Every time someone complains about their job, I have to push down my bitterness that I was laid off a year and a half ago. I swallow the “Well, at least you have a job!” comment. Just like you’re probably swallowing the “That’s your biggest problem?” comment right now. And I don’t blame you for having it.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to understand that everyone’s problems are important on one hand, while, on the other, feeling all kinds of… feelings that you have quite possibly the worst problem in the world that you have to deal with every day. No one thinks less of you for it.
Amy Collen says:
I agree…don’t delete!! When my son Noah died I went through this as well. I started back to work about a year after he died. However, I found that when customers would complain or getting completely stressed out as something as little as a 10 cent fine I found myself wanting to climb over the desk and throttle them. I wanted to scream MY BABY DIED DAMMIT AND YOU ARE UPSET OVER 10 CENTS??? I couldn’t understand why people would get so upset over something so insignificant. Did these people know or understand true tragedy? Do they have any idea what it is like to hold your child in your arms while they are dying? Perhaps they would rethink that fine and think maybe their money will go for good like buying more books for kids. Ugh. Sorry I am ranting. I just wanted you to know that yes, I went through it also.
Justme says:
You might think it’s ugly but I think it is powerful and brave. While we all know that hardship is relative to your life experience, I doubt anyone would argue that what you are going through is indescribably heartbreakingly awful. We all see how strong you are on a daily basis. Thank you for sharing the dark side as well as the light.
Elise says:
No need to delete this Heather. You might be surprised at how many of us understand and can relate.
Thank you for your honesty hon. ((Hugs))
Lisa says:
I don’t think what you are saying is wrong at all. There were times not so long ago when I was going through some pretty tough times w/ my family – my mom’s health was in decline (its now better thankfully) and I was scared every single day that something horrible would happen. During that time people would complain about (what I thought to be) insignificant things…and (because I am the person who all my friends come to for advice/help), I was angry a LOT when they would tell me whatever it was they were going through, I wanted to tell them everything you just said. I hated myself for thinking their relationship problem was stupid or their work issue insignificant when at the time, my mother was in so much pain that she’d cry daily (which scared my entire family). But…I told my best friend how I was feeling and he assured me that I wasn’t a horrible person or out of line. Heather, you have every right to your feelings & emotions. You aren’t perfect and can’t be every single day – if you didn’t feel what you are feeling from time to time, I think that would be a bigger problem. Honestly. You’ve gone through more that what most of us will ever endure…and you’re doing the best you can. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Sending you support & light.
Support from AZ says:
this post reminds me of that scene in Steel Magnolias where Sally Fields’ character just wants to hit someone until they hurt as bad as she does.
your pain–though not fictional–is likely no different. nor your anger. it’s normal. it’s valid. and it is absolutely understandable, though i cannot begin to comprehend it from any other perspective than that of being on the outside and looking in.
you don’t always have to change your perspective in order to validate someone else’s hardship. you can be in a harder place. because this place of things that are heavy and crushing is where you are. the thing to remember, sweets, is you are ten thousand times stronger than most on even your weakest days because you reach out. you connect.
even if you roll your eyes while doing it.
hold on, sisterbelle.
califmom says:
right there with you. please don’t delete it. just feel it. let it be valid. know you have a right to it.
and know that every bit of it sucks ass.
love you.
Kristine says:
I’m glad you didn’t delete. Because, some days I’m a right beast. And, knowing there are other grief beasties out there somehow makes it better. I have no patience for other problems right now. And, I feel like people are running out of patience for me, like I should be over it. Thanks for sharing.
Lotus / Sarcastic Mom says:
Well, I’d never tell anyone what to do with their post.
don’t delete it don’t delete it don’t delete it
Okay, maybe I would.
Sometimes I even see other people who have suffered horrible personal tragedy complain over the smallest life issues.
I don’t have to tell you that every part of what you’ve mentioned is normal – the human tendency to complain/express/lament/ache about everything under the sun from your idiot husband eating the last cookie in the box to the empty feeling in your soul caused by the loss of a person you loved, a baby you wanted to hold… as well as the human tendency to feel anger, hurt and jealousy over the differing conditions of our lives.
I had a reader admit to me once that she thought something like this: “Her photos are so great, yeah, but I bet if she had several kids like I do she’d never have the time to practice her photography either.” And then she felt the horrible, biting realization that I’d probably give up all the time I have to practice photography and throw my camera under a speeding train with glee just to have the lost babies back.
She was right, of course.
But her feelings of jealousy for my free time relative to hers were just as normal as the pain created by my miscarriages. Your feelings of anger and resentment at others during their everyday life whining are just as normal as… well, those moments of everyday life whining are for other people.
(Though sometimes, yes, goodness grief, don’t people complain about THE STUPIDEST THINGS? GAH.)
I wish I could take away the worst and leave us all with only the best. (And that we’d not be stupid enough not to appreciate the void!)
My heart aches for us all sometimes. Today it aches more for you. You are most certainly not alone, though. Not at all alone.
I send you my love, in large amounts.
And hope that you can forgive me on the days when I’m the one complaining about the stupid stuff.
xoxoXO.
Lauren D says:
Sometimes you’re allowed to be selfish, you’re allowed to be angry. It’s almost expected. You have a heart sweetie. It’s broken and you’re trying to mend it. Although it will never fully heal, these emotions at least try to get it back to where it was. Don’t suppress these feelings, they are all healing. Hugs to you.
Lilian says:
The word ugliness does not even apply! It is not ugly to feel loss, and it is not ugly to resent people for what seems to be minute problems compared to your loss. So leave your post. It’s honest, vulnerable, and just shows how human you are. You are not Superwoman (even though, at times it seems you are), you are a human being, with pain that may possibly never go away, and that’s understandable. You are entitled to feel what you feel. So just feel away, and f…k those who don’t understand.
Meg...CT says:
I saw a quote the other day that I think is perfect and so applicable here…”if your problems can be fixed by money, they aren’t really problems”…
You are entitled to your feelings…and no one is going to judge you for them.
Wishing you peace and happiness….
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Heather, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel angry. I’d say you definitely have good reason. I’m sending an electronic hug…
angie says:
You are not a terrible person. You are amazing. Anger is allowed. I get frustrated at people’s stupid problems and I am not dealing with the loss that you are. You are brave to share these feelings and I hope that putting it out there has helped you a little. Be mad, what you feel is what you feel…period.
Hugs
Chantel says:
Please don’t delete this. I think people really need some perspective sometimes. When growing up, I was always told that someone, somewhere, is having a worse day. This is so very true and it’s something that I remind myself of daily. I wish more people would think of others before complaining about trivialities. Maybe your post will make them stop and think about what’s really important.
Sue says:
You have every right to feel the way you do, Heather. We have a severely handicapped son, and when I hear people complain about their perfectly healthy, normal children over trivial little matters; I have to bite my tongue. I often think how I would feel if anything happened to our son, and he was no longer in our lives, and just the thought of it is almost unbearable.
You have suffered the ultimate loss in life, and my heart absolutely breaks for you. Please don’t ever apologize for the way you feel. Love to all of you…………………..
Jill says:
What you’re feeling is so normal. And I think that even your feeling bad about feeling angry is normal. It seems like this is partof the process – your personal journey. Go with it because you can’t ignore feelings.
Tara says:
Normal, oh so normal! I’m now over 3 years out since my Xavier’s death. I still feel that way sometimes, but not with the anger I used to.
I also realize that while there are PLENTY of people with smaller problems out there that are just whiny, there are also others whose pain I may not know about that may be huge and gargantuan.
I try to remember that, because some people don’t make their pain known, even if it is the same as mine, and over time, it has helped me to be kinder.
Be patient with yourself in the meantime, because griefwork is very hard, takes time, takes tremendous emotion, and is all consuming.
Tara
Alexandra :) says:
idk what to say. I just wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everyone understands that you need to put your feelings first right now.
Bec @ Bad Mummy says:
It really doesn’t get better does it?
Chris says:
Oh Heather, please don’t you dare delete this. I think what so many of us love about your blog (besides adorable baby pictures) is how honest your writing is.
And it’s only natural, and human and normal to feel that way. I haven’t walked in your shoes, I can’t know what you’re feeling. But, I have 2 examples from my own life where I know my life is broken and watching the things that seem “trivial” to me me can be very difficult. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with an incurable neuropathic pain disorder that has left me in chronic unrelenting pain everyday since. And I cope,and to most people I seem just fine because I too “fake it till I make it” But, it doesn’t mean I didn’t have moments of missing what I couldn’t do any more. The 2nd event WAS grief, and while it wasn’t a child if was devastating to me in it’s own way. The thing is YOU are the one who is strong enough to open this door to let all of us who are commenting say hey yeah we get it. And not only is it understandable, and normal for you to feel this way, but we’ve felt it in varying degrees. I think you have an army out here supporting you Heather.
Mary Ann says:
Losing someone puts everything else in perspective. All those little things I stressed about before now mean nothing. It’s human nature to be stressed and complain when things aren’t perfect, but until you have been through a life changing event, you don’t really realize that those things are so unimportant. I think people just expect after a certain amount of time you should just “get over it” but seriously there is no way to get over it when part of your life is gone. I do think this is all about the anger stage. Those stages of greif spiral from one to the next and back again for a very long time. Don’t ever feel bad for your feelings they are real, they are valid.
Mary says:
not ugliness – beautiful.
Molly says:
Aw, I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. I think it’s best to acknowledge it and work through it, even if it feels ugly–it’s not. It just is what it is and I’m sure it’s a legitimate and natural part of grieving. It must be a constant roller coaster. Hang in there. You won’t feel this way forever. You don’t have to feel lucky and blessed every moment–nobody does. Just give yourself permission to be.
Nellie says:
You are nothing less than an emotionally, wholehearted human being. It sucks to feel the ugliness but you need to feel it to move through it. Don’t ever feel that you do not have the right to feel that way because you do, we all do and it’s the human cycle of emotions, feelings, of living.
Sending you lots of hugs!!
defendUSA says:
Heather…
Unfortunately, most people who have not lost a baby, child cannot possibly get it. It’s not their fault that they don’t realize what we do. In the times when you feel anger or sad, you yourself know these things as hard as it is not to act on them. Yeah, it would be super easy to put people in their place and you would feel better. Blogging it or journaling is a great way to express the thoughts and feelings you have, so don’t feel bad. It’s okay. Cheer up. You are not alone!!
Katie says:
Heather,
You are living with the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. You are entitled to feel and show every emotion. You are not terrible, just grieving. You lost an amazing child. It is not fair that people would presume that you are fixed because you have a new baby. You could never replace your sweet little girl.
You are doing an amazing job surviving.
kpb says:
Perspective and people’s problems are relative in the long run. I wish my friends didn’t bitch about their minor allergies and summer colds while I spend much of the year in the hospital, but I have long learned that it’s all relative. And yes–this is the anger phase. Don’t give yourself into it completely, but allow yourself to feel this way. Because it makes sense. And your self-awareness will serve you well, and bring you tiny steps closer to acceptance.
I’m not there yet, but maybe one day we will all be.
Fist bumps for NYC,
Kelly Bergin
Debbie says:
I respect your honesty and I don’t judge you for feeling this way at all. How can I judge? I don’t know what it’s like to be going through your grief. Honestly, although I agree with you that feeling that way isn’t right or healthy, I think that it makes sense and that it’s a stage of grief.
I don’t know how anyone loses a child and doesn’t struggle with feelings of anger at people who complain about trivial things. The healthy thing is probably to get that anger out in a way that doesn’t hurt others, rather than bottle it up until it explodes in their faces. But what you’ve written here isn’t a mean tirade against anyone – it’s an honest account of your struggle not to give in to that anger.
No judgment here, just sympathy.
Veronica says:
Those who have lost someone so precious in their lives go through these moments here and there. Some more often than others. I can’t tell you how many times I seethe with the ugly jealousy of not ever being able to have my world whole again. So many blind sided reminders and it’s so hard to keep the ‘monster’ at bay. It’s ok. Write about it and go eat ice cream with Annie, hold her, smell her and let her hair and shirt absorb a few tears. It won’t ever be perfect, but snuggling a baby is a good way to let the beauty out shine the ugly feeling – and she’s probably the most forgiving of your friends for opening up to her!
Heather L. says:
You are NOT a terible person. Your feelings are legitimate and ones that no one else can understand, lest they’ve been through an unimaginable loss as you have. This is your place to be honest, so feel free to be. No judgment here. Empathy, yes. Judgment, not so much. (((HUGS)))
Ella says:
Im very guilty of this.
I lost my husband of just over a year and my 2 month old daughter in a traffic accident and as shameful and mean and selfish as it might sound Im always one upping people in my head.
When people share with me about their spouse dying I think at least you still have your child to hold on to. When people share with me about their child dying i think at least you still have your spouse for love and support. I think anyone who had their child longer than the two months I had mine before I lost her has it better than me….I always feel like an awful person straight after these thoughts.
The thing is, my pain is worse because its my pain. Nothing in the world could ever feel worse to me. And it pretty much comes down to doing what you have to do to survive – selfish or not.
MelissaG says:
I am so sorry for your tremendous loss…I am thankful for you sharing your experience with Heather (and us). It is a good reminder for me to give people a break because I really don’t know what may be going on in their own lives.
Again…much sympathy.
Ms. Moon says:
You’re beating yourself up for having normal feelings. You are a human who has experienced the greatest loss a parent can have. There is no “should” or “should not” in grief. There is only what is.
Panni says:
Well said.
Editdebs says:
Please don’t delete. You’ve expressed what many of us have felt–in one way or another. I always have to remind myself that everyone’s pain is valid. But unfortunately, there are those who suffer the greatest pain–the loss of a child. My heart hurts for you–no pain I’ve ever been through can compare. One of the reasons I come here is for the honesty–and this was a very honest post.
Michele says:
Dont be guilty… You have nothing to be guilty of. I think most of us think (and, perhaps even say) “I WISH I had your problems… Want a real problem??? My child/ren died.” It’s hard and I truly believe it is part of our grieving processes. Dont beat yourself up.
Nikki says:
I wanted to say something philosophical and comforting, but everything seemed so corny and trite.
So I’ll say I’m glad you didn’t delete this, and please know that you’re not alone in this feeling.
Lots of love and hugs to you!
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Rachel says:
guilt is the last thing you should be feeling. your honesty is one of my favorite things about your writing. never feel guilty for the way you deal with grief.
hoping for your strength – rachel
Suzanne says:
I hope it helps you to write this — it helps me to read it. So glad you posted it.
Fiona says:
Heather,
Do try not to feel guilty. You are allowed to feel this way. Whatever it is that you feel, allow yourself to feel it. Something inside you is trying to help you heal. Perhaps it is a stage of grief…who knows, but feel those emotions without the guilt. Allows yourself this. It’s OK.
Your friends sound like good ones and I am sure they will understand. I am sure that despite your feelings at the moment, you are an excellent friend to them too.
Fiona
Kristin says:
Oh Heather, this is normal. What you have to remember about the stages of grief is that progression through them does NOT continue in a linear fashion. You can and probably will bounce back and forth between stages. You are not bad for feeling this way. You can not help what you feel but, you can help what you do and, from everything I have seen, you continue to be a loving mother and wife and you continue to be an awesome friend. Cut yourself a little slack and give yourself permission to get these feelings out.
Hamlet's Mistress says:
They say that if everyone stood in a circle and threw in their problems in order to pick problems that were “easier” than their own that everyone would scramble to reclaim their own problems they formerly thought were huge. I don’t think that in your case. Or maybe I do. Because you scrambling to get back the pain you contantly deal with in losing Maddie, means she was here. And I don’t think you’d ever give that up.
You’re not being selfish and it doesn’t mean you care about your friends’ problems any less. You have a perspective that no one should ever EVER have. If anything you may be able to help your friends more because you’ll never see any normal problem as an earthshattering deal and that groundedness will help and probably has helped more than a few people when they’ve been flipping out over some thing or another.
Don’t ever feel bad about having to suppress an eyeroll or an “are you KIDDING me” sigh. Because you’re right… whatever someone is going through as compared to what you’ve been through… really… not that big a deal. I’m sorry that you have that perspective, because no one should. But it’s not ever anything to feel guilty about. So…. don’t.
HM
Lisa says:
It’s your truth, the stuff in your head and this is your place to let it all out. You don’t need to feel guilty or apologize for what you are feeling. It sucks to be angry, but it’s also perfectly natural and ok.
Love and hugs sweetie.
Lissa says:
YOU….are a beautiful person. You have a beautiful husband, a beautiful marriage, and 2 astonshingly beautiful daughters. And you and your family is tragically in the midst of the most horrible kind of grief there is…the grief of a child. Those emotions are violent, they are angry, they are as you say, ugly. But always remember, they are not YOU. And even more importantly, they are not Maddie.
And someday it will be the beauty and only the beauty that will be in memory.
Paige says:
Heather, I would be filled with rage. You are allowed to grieve while you are thankful too. You are entitled to your feelings. Don’t feel bad and don’t feel ashamed. This may sound silly, but maybe a kick boxing class or something really physical would help release some of that energy. I have heard kick boxing is very cleansing.. something to give you release? Just a thought. I love your post. Don’t delete it. Who would expect anything else? We know you are grateful, we know you are a good friend. You have a right to be angry too…
Cynthia says:
You are entitled to these feelings.
And you are actually right. Sometimes I come on here and read your latest post when I am having a bad day and I instantly recognize that my problems are nothing, they are all fixable. I LIKE getting that perspective. It’s really okay for you to write things like this. I think that if I were in your shoes, I would not only be writing this stuff but I would probably be kicking the complainers in the shins on a weekly basis.
SarahB says:
You feel what you feel. I’d argue it’s healthier to acknowledge what you’re feeling than deny it.
Kellie says:
Heather, I think the anger is completely natural. It’s been 11 years since my son died and every few months I go through a phase of hating the world and everyone in it. Fortunately, it passes without me killing anyone – but when it happens, I don’t feel like I have any control over my emotions. I think this is probably where you are. I will say that it does get easier as time go by – easier because you recognize the situation. You’re a beautiful, wonderful, creative woman Heather – what happened to you and Mike is something that no one should ever have to experience. You have every right to be angry, just be careful not to let it consume you – that’s easier said than done.
Krissy says:
Heather.. you are not a bad person. Like everybody else says, what you are feeling is totally normal… I have no idea what you have been/ are going through.. but one thing I do know is, you are human. And thank you for having the balls to show us your real feelings. Nothing wrong wtih that. Heres to hoping you have better days ahead of you. Sending hugs!
amanda says:
Something my therapist tried to help me with for a long time is that FEELINGS are not “good” or “bad.” They just ARE. The way we fell about something IS and what matters is our actions.
The way you are feeling is completely normal, but try not to judge them, or yourself, to harshly. You are doing the best you can.
Deborah says:
Everyone can be ugly sometimes, and everyone can be mean. Don’t beat yourself up about it, or feel like you’re some kind of horrible person. You are trying to make sense out of something that happened to you that was so unfair and so senseless, and it’s no wonder that you have these swirling tornadoes of emotions. I’m sure everyone who knows you and loves you understands.
(((hugs)))
Shanda Williams says:
I needed that this morning. That was like a wake up call. I can’t imagine anything more difficult than what you are going through, yet I always find something to complain about.
Nicole says:
I think the way you feel is legit. Sometimes I feel awful for complaining about what is going wrong in my life, when in reality it is something so small and petty compared to others, like yourself. I think you help put my life in perspective, and sometimes I need that.
My heart breaks for you and anyone else that has lost a child. I couldn’t imagine. I am sure that hearing abut other’s “small, fixable” problems can get to you. And I completely understand that.
Jenn says:
Your feelings are completely valid, don’t ever be ashamed of how you feel. I don’t think there is anyone who can honestly say that they haven’t thought something like what you are thinking… even if they haven’t been through all of the horrible things that you have had to go through. I lost my father when I was young and I remember feeling the way that you are saying. Other kids would complain about their dads and I would hold my breath and walk away. When what I wanted to say was, “At least you HAVE a dad, shut up!” I didn’t say it, but I REALLY wanted to. I have also been on the other side, where I’ve been complaining about something stupid (like gum on my shoe) to someone who has been through something awful; and, as a result, I have felt tremendous GUILT about complaining. But what it comes down to is that people have a right to ALL of their feelings, and that means you do too. No matter what is bothering you, there is always going to be someone who has it better, and there is always going to be someone who has it worse. You cannot let that keep you from feeling justified in your anger, in your hurt, in your jealousy. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.
Lora says:
Sending nothing but support to you Heather. Your feelings are your feelings, and you have every right to them. You should post what’s true in your life. Truth is one reason why we read blogs. Everybody’s truth is different, yet so much the same. Humans are so complex and through posts like this we can all learn to understand each other better.
Becky says:
Oh, Heather! Please don’t delete it! You have no idea how many lives you are saving or changing by sharing your feelings this way! I have never suffered the loss of a child, so I cannot possibly understand your pain. However, I complain alot about my life and reading your thoughts quickly snaps me out of my “my life sucks/I deserve better/I want more” attitude. So many of us are blessed beyond measure to have found you. Let it out. And quite frankly, to someones face, if the moment arises. It can’t be good to hold all that in and I think you’d be doing them (and maybe their loved ones) a favor to remind them that the world does not revolve around them and no matter how bad things seem…it could always be worse and “irrevocably broken!” Love, hugs and prayers from Kansas…Becky
moosh in indy. says:
Remember in Jr. High when the world ended because NKOTB broke up and that boy from fifth period said you had horse teeth? Remember when stuff like that made up the worst days of our lives?
I kind of miss those days sometimes.
Being a grownup is ugly…but at the same time we get a lot more pretty to balance it out if we’re lucky enough to notice it.
Maybe there’s a reason everyone’s a photographer these days. Because we’re all desperately seeking beauty to balance out the ugly.
Mandy says:
You are honest, and beautiful because of it. NOTHING you have had to endure has been easy, and no one expects you to bear it gracefully, which you have continued to do.
It’s okay to be angry, and scornful, it’s okay to believe no one knows what you are going through… they don’t.
Please continue being you, being honest, and being the worlds best mother to the worlds best Annabel. I am continually proud of you, and in awe of your strength. I hope you remember that you are loved in your worst moments.
KK says:
Mommy guilt & anger just proves we’re all human. It comes in some many different forms & degrees. Its so hard to just “be” because sometimes “being” isn’t so pretty.
“To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.”
Emily Dickinson
MinNYC says:
thanks for sharing heather. can’t imagine what you’re going through. don’t be so hard on yourself. i am 28 but hace had several debilitating medical conditions put my life on hold 8 yrs ago. yesterday at my mom’s BBQ my sister-in-law is complaining & complaining about going back to work tomorrow (she’s a teacher). i didn’t say anything but it was making my blood boil. i don’t think it makes me a bad person, i think it makes her insensitive. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have your problem, cut yourself some slack. =)
Leslie says:
It’s okay…totally okay…even if you do accidentally give someone perspective.
Trisha Vargas says:
You have already given me new perspective. Thank you for being you Heather.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
amanda says:
I think it is COMPLETELY understandable that you would want to punch someone when they are complaining about their trivial problems (well, you didn’t actually say you wanted to punch them…but still.) It is such a human response, especially after everything you’ve gone through. You should not feel guilty at all. The fact that you try your best to be understanding -and that you acknowledge this part of you (which really, we all have – we ALL have issues being supportive of others’ problems when we are overloaded with our own) is really admirable. I think you are an amazing person, I really do.
Camie says:
What you’re going through is unbelievably shitty, and you’re allowed to feel any way you want to about it. It’s good, if you can, to try that fake it till you make it, but if you need to seethe or cry or throw things at the wall or even to snap and bite somebody’s head off, people should understand. They owe you the same consideration for your feelings as you’re trying to show towards theirs. But sometimes we need to see that others are grieving. It’s okay to cry through an end of a movie, or even take over a conversation, or we just become this empty shell of a society. Things aren’t always easy for you (I know, understatement of the year), and they aren’t always easy for everyone else. I hate it when we pretend we have to sweep grief and anger and general sadness under the rug for the sake of . . . for the sake. I don’t think it should happen all the time— sometimes there’s something to fake it till you make it. Maybe most of the time, but not all of it.
< 3
Shellie says:
Heather,
I am sorry to say it, but I do think that some problems are worse than others. And I think that losing a child is about as big as it gets. I think that medical, mental health, and counseling professionals pretty much agree objectively about this. There are statistics on marriages, health issues, depression rates, etc. about the effects of losing a child.
So I don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty for thinking that your grief right now is harder than the problems that most people you know and meet are going through. No reason to feel guilt for wanting to trade with them for a day, or even a few hours. No reason to feel guilt for wanting to scream at them to get some perspective and quit whining over something that is going to be resolved eventually while the loss you are feeling will never end.
As for writing this on your blog – you ask:
“The guilt over even writing this is intense. What am I trying to accomplish? I guess I just want to understand myself. I don’t want to feel like a terrible person when I want to yell at someone when they say their life sucks. I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t want to feel alone.”
I think you answered your own question. I co-lead a group of moms who lost babies (I was a member until the leader handed it over two years ago). Most of our babies were still-born (most right near or even on their due date,) one was six weeks old, one was three months old. (I know it is not the same thing – I know they say loss is loss, but I consider your loss much worse than ours . However, there are some similarities in the grieving process.) We get together once a month to talk as a group, but we’ve also become great friends and we do things together socially at various other times. Point being – our group gives us a place to talk about our babies when the world thinks we should have “moved on” already. We also talk about all of those feelings like the ones that you posted today on your blog – the ones that make you feel (or at least sound) like a terrible person, but really are totally normal and legitimate feelings. We get together and talk about these things so we don’t feel so alone feeling the way we do. You have chosen to make your blog your “group”. So you voice these feelings on your blog to your “group” so you don’t feel so alone. And you know that in your group, there will be people who understand exactly how you feel and will help you legitimize what you are experiencing.
You are doing a great job grieving, the very best way you can, the most terrible horrible loss imaginable. I know that sounds like a really strange thing to say, but grief is a terrible, difficult thing and some people can let it be very destructive. You are not. You are living a productive and outward-reaching life. You are loving your husband and keeping your marriage together (which right there puts you in the top 20% of all couples). You are loving your second child and raising her to be happy and healthy and giving her so much love it sometimes makes me wonder if I am loving my own daughter enough (and I’ve lost one, too). You are honoring your beloved Maddie in so many ways and integrating her into your family so that she will always be a present part of your family.
Sorry for the long post, but I think that is why you wrote that on your blog today. And I think you are a wonderful person and probably the most amazing mother to both of your girls that I have ever seen.
Shellie
Marti from Michigan says:
Awww poor sweet Heather!! Don’t delete this hon. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel cruddy and crabby! I do this when I feel that way: Find a good hard object that won’t hurt furniture – like a thick rolled up newspaper – then use that and pound, pound, pound on something like a kitchen counter top, or a wall edge. Make sure Annie does not see or hear you. Yell while you are pounding, cry, yell out “take that you _____” whoever you’re mad at. Keep pounding. Make sure the rolled up newspaper or whatever you’re using, is good and thick. Don’t hit your fingers while you are pounding – I have done that.
It helps, it really does help!
You’re still in my prayers, however they’re helping.
Much love from Michigan!!
Jody Curtis says:
Feel it. Let it out. And don’t apologize. Thanks for being you… honest you.
Sarah says:
You are not alone.
HeidiLee says:
Heather – so many wise responses and I also agree–do not delete this honest post! Unfortunately you have a perspective that needs to be “out there”. My heart aches for those that also share this life perspective with your family. Other people need to realize that there are a lot of worse things that can happen to them besides breaking a fingernail….peace and hugs.
bessie.viola says:
You’re not alone. Please don’t delete it or feel that you can’t say these things. I can’t even comprehend… but I have a feeling that in your shoes I would want to set the world on fire.
If it helps (and I hope it does) when I’m having the hard, frustrating days, I think of your Maddie’s smile and whatever I’m going through becomes smaller (or disappears entirely). Very little could compare to losing that smile, and you have every right to be pissed – despite any other luck and love in your life.
xo from Michigan
Rachel says:
There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I agree with you, so many of our “problems” are very trivial, yet our culture thrives on the stress and drama of it all. There are very few things worth getting upset about, but you have experienced one of the worst. There is nothing wrong with going through your emotions and your pain in this manner. You will get through it.
kim krzeminski says:
I don’t know how you could go through what you have been through and not feel anger. I don’t know you and I am angry too.
I am in no way comparing my situation because there is no comparison. …but on a far lesser scale, I feel those feelings. My son has autism and there are days when I want to yell out when my friends are complaining about the cost of soccer sign-ups. Don’t they know that I would pay a million dollars for that to be Max’s reality. Like I said before, I know that these feelings are nothing like what you go through, but I know they are normal and you are more than justified in every darn feeling that you have. xo
Katie says:
What happened to you is ugly, Heather. You deserve to be angry and I don’t blame you for being pissed at other peoples’ trivial problems. If you had a leg amputated, no one would expect you to be grateful that you still had the other leg, I suspect. The joy that is Annie can never “make up” for the pain where Maddie used to be. People should know better than to try to dump their trivial problems on you…you deserve an award for getting through each day. Go with the anger is my vote.
Christy says:
Thanks for sharing your heart. Sometimes grief is ugly, but so is losing a child too soon. My heart aches for my little girl, and I feel the same way you do sometimes. Hang in there. I’m saying a prayer for you right now.
Much love,
Christy
Susan says:
heather – this is my first time posting…..i’ve been reading since maddie first passed away. your anger is justified and the fact that you are able to give voice to it is so healthy. thank you for the reminder that my problems are not so problematic after all in the face of what so many others are going through. peace, susan
AJ says:
I think what you feel is a totally reasonable, human reaction to what you’ve been through.
lisa says:
You would not be human if you didn’t feel that way at LEAST every once in awhile. And you would still be forgiven for feeling that way all the time. How could you not.
Different life situation for me but I often have those same feelings. It sucks and does make you feel guilty but trying to stuff them down inside sometimes makes everything back up.
Nicole says:
It’s okay to be upset and angry and mean and ugly and whatever else. You have the right to feel the way you want. I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you and hoping for peace. I don’t know you, but I think of you all the time and hope that in your darkest moments you feel the love of all of us “strangers” sending you healing, warm and comforting thoughts. Thank goodness you are strong enough to tell it like it is. You are helping others feel like they are not alone in the big world. You are and will always be in my thoughts.
Skye says:
Oh Heather, I wish we could trade for a day just so you could have one day off from grieving. You certainly have the right to be frustrated. For some reason we (most people) like to exaggerate and dwell on our problems when we should be thankful that most of our problems are minor. You have inspired me to be thankful for what I have, to remind myself that I am lucky, and to put my problems in perspective. Thank you for helping me live my life more fully. Hugs and peace to you.
Kirsten says:
Don’t delete it hun. You’re allowed to be angry and upset. And we need posts like this to remind us that just because we have some good things in our lives doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to be sad anymore.
Everyone around me thinks I’m over my Dad’s death because I’m cheerful at work and I can talk about him without tearing up. I mean, what the fuck, it’s been 5 and a half weeks since his death. They don’t see me crying in the evenings and battling to hide my emotions from my sister and my nephew.
Reading this reminds me that I’m allowed to cry every once in a while. I’m allowed to miss him, I’m allowed to be pissed off that he’s gone. ‘Cause it hurts. And it’s not going to stop. In fact, I don’t think I want it to stop because it’s a reminder that I once loved him.
Don’t delete this. You’re human. You’re wonderful. You’re allowed to hurt.
Courtney says:
I understand what you’re saying about feeling guilt for writing this, because on some level, I’ve been there. But the fact of the matter is, you’re entitled to your feelings. It is completely healthy and normal to write them out if it helps you! Forget trying to make everyone else happy – take care of yourself, and that includes getting it all out there. It helps to write it down instead of bottling it up.
Marnie * says:
No words, just *BIG HUGS*
GeminiMama says:
Don’t feel guilt… your feelings are completely understandable. Sending positive energy to you…
giselle says:
Thank you for being you and for sharing with us. You are amazing and it’s ok to feel sad and even to feel like a bad friend sometimes. You aren’t either of those things, though! I wish I could do something, ANYTHING, to help with that horrible weight.
Caroline says:
Ugliness is called being human. Being real. Everyone feels like you do, but hardly anyone has the courage to admit it. You have every right to be angry, you are viewing the world from a terrible and wonderful new view point that few ever experience. I get it, I hear you and totally understand where you are coming from.
Have you ever seen the movie “PS. I Love You”? If you haven’t, I suggest you do. It talks about grief and moving on and staying in place and ultimately love… it’s one of my favorite.
Lots of love to you. We know how thankful you are, however you feel is okay.
Pattie says:
What you’re feeling is perfectly normal, so please don’t delete the post. You shouldn’t feel guilty or bad but just let yourself feel what you need to. Sending love and positive vibes your way. Go hug Annabel for us.
Christina says:
I think we all have someone whose problems we envy… and then others’ whose problems we would never wish for in a million years. I think we’ve all been there. We’ve all thought, “Oh, shut up – your problems are not that bad.” Some of us have burdens to bear that are bigger than others, some are clearly smaller, and others are just ‘different’ and hard to compare. I don’t think anyone is wrong in complaining about their problems no matter how small. And I don’t think it’s wrong to want to put others in perspective either. I hate those “right” and “wrong” judgments. But I do think about “what kind of person do I want to be?” And I don’t want to be the kind who complains at the drop of a hat. I also don’t want to be a one-upper. Thanks for reminding me of that today!
Jeannine says:
Huge hugs
Please don't beat yourself up because of the way you're grieving. I'm sure any parent that has lost a child can relate to it. You aren't alone. I really wish there was something more I could say, but I think everything else has been said.
kalen says:
Get pissed off. Stay pissed off if you want, though I’ve found that takes a lot of energy I’d rather put elsewhere (but maybe you like putting your energy there just fine).
And I’ve always been told *everyone* has a problem “worse” than our own – even yours… maybe someone has lost 3 kids or 4 or 5! It’s not a comfort to me though… I’ve always just figured that if the person considers it to be a hard, painful thing to get through – then it probably is, and then I leave it alone. You can compare all day, but when I do it, I’m attempting to take my focus off what’s really happening & do the blame game to feel better.
Unfortunately I usually end up feeling horrible again very soon. Sigh.
I like that you get angry sometimes. It’s human. Normal grieving.
Blessings aren’t meant to replace hurts.
Tara. says:
Don’t delete it or feel guilty for writing it or thinking what you think at times. It’s real and raw and it’s good to feel it, in the moment, and get it out. It’s OK for you to feel all of the emotions you’re feeling about everything. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good friend or a good wife or a good Mother or a good daughter. It just means you have feelings like everyone else, and intense emotions that most people can’t even fathom.
You’re a beautiful and wonderful person. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. There’s no way around your feelings and situation, so you have to go through it. You’re so strong.
Jenn says:
You are human! You have every right to feel whatever you are feeling. You have had to bear more than most people. It is ok to feel pissed and this is a great place to do so! We all love you and support you here….so let ‘er rip!!
Hugs!
QueenFrigid says:
Heather,
Don’t feel guilty for feeling what you feel. I am actually surprised that you have kept all of this “anger” inside for so long. If there is one thing I have learned from my anxiety is that “faking it” makes you even worse.
It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel this way. You aren’t being ungrateful, you are grieving.
What you lost, no one can imagine.
What you feel, only few people can relate to.
If I could, I’d trade you a day just so that you can feel complete again.
You are not a bad person. You aren’t trying to “up one” on everyone.
Hang in there.
Truewell says:
I know *exactly* what you’re talking about, Heather.
Honestly, I think it’s a normal part of grieving. For many, that’s how anger manifests during the grieving process. I’ve had many losses in my life and I know I’ve felt the same way. I recall times where I’ve wished that I could “trade places” with other people, to take on their seemingly trivial concerns in exchange for the heavy cloud of grief that just sticks to you like a melted marshmallow — you can’t seem to wipe all it away, no matter how hard you try. It’s so sticky, that instead of wiping it off, you just sort of rearrange it and you keep finding new sticky spots; it’s really difficult to eliminate all traces of that stickiness. Grief is a lot like that.
Normally, when something bad happens in life, we think “Well, at least I still have X…” or “It could have been worse; I could have lost X.” But you lost your X; the worst-case scenario became reality. So your perspective has been forever changed. Others who truly love you will understand that; the ones who can’t understand that aren’t worth your while.
It’s all about finding a new sense of “normal” — but part of finding that new “normal” is mourning the loss of your former self, in addition to mourning the loss of Madeline and all that was. I thought of it like this: My “old self” took years to develop and there were lots of bumps and bruises along the way; finding your “new self” after loss also takes time and it’s painful and difficult and it just freakin’ sucks at points.
Just know that all that ugliness will eventually transform into something that’s a little more palatable.
heather says:
interesting, my husband has stage4 prostate cancer for which there is no cure. and although he doesn’t do it often he has pulled, what we like to call, “the C card”. he once said to a whining relative, “well, at least you don’t have cancer.” and saying this is “somewhat” acceptable. but, unfairly,the same is not true for you – people would be terribly horrified. maybe you should just do it anyways!
Stacey says:
I often felt the same way while growing up (and still do) when a friend complained about going through life with divorced parents. I always wanted to say, I’d give anything to have both parents ALIVE. WHO CARES if they live in separate houses. At least this makes them happy…. and again, ALIVE. My father died when I was 5 and there isn’t one day I don’t think about how different my life would have been with him in it.
Take care of yourself and remember no matter what feelings you are experiencing, never feel guilty for them. You are NEVER alone.
Courtney says:
read this quote today and thought of you…hang in there.
“Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.”
April Esposito says:
If anyone has the right to be angry, it’s a parent who has lost a child. Be angry, roll your eyes if you want to. You are not a terrible person, you are a normal person who is just trying to make it through the rest of their life. FTW!!
Alexis says:
I may be alone in feeling this, but if I were your friend, and talking about whatever difficulty I was having, I would appreciate being reminded of your perspective. Not in a way that minimizes what I were going through, and I’m pretty sure you’d know a way to show me without hurting my feelings, or being unsympathetic, but the fact is, it is very easy to get caught up in drama that is utterly meaningless, drama that keeps us from recognizing the awesome beautiful things are part of our life, everyday, and when I am feeling like the world is against me, I remind myself of people who have suffered much more than I ever will, and it helps me be grateful for what I’ve got. But again, I know I’m not everyone, but I would never begrudge your post. You have a right to those feelings, and when you share them, it might help someone else get out of their funk.
Lauren from AZ says:
Heather,
One main thing I love about your blog is your honesty. It’s refreshing. You don’t try to pretend that everything is ok when it’s not. Don’t ever feel bad about that. It takes some people years, even a lifetime, to be able to own their emotions. Never, ever feel guilty about your emotions. No one should have to experience what you have. Just thinking about it, as an outsider looking in, is unbearable. I can’t even imagine the strength you have to get through each second of each day. YOU ARE AMAZING. Maddie is proud of you. Mike is proud of you. Annie is proud of you.
And so are we.
Kathleen says:
If it helps at all, you are the one who will have the amazing wisdom of the ages, the ability to bite ones tongue only last so long and then one day someone will tell you how their little Gretel needs to have sugery to remove a scar and how overwhelming this is to them and you’ll blow, and it will be OK. Everyone around you will be better for sharing your knowledge even if it isn’t spoken.
Katrina says:
Your feelings are completely understandable. Don’t be ashamed of them, don’t hate yourself for them. Just know they are completely normal and all part of this awful process.
Your loss is unimaginable. It is a struggle for you every single day you have to live without your Maddie. We all know that. Even with your Amazing Annabel these feelings you have are understandable. It does not make you unappreciative for all that you have.
Kim says:
Yep, this is part of the anger part. For me it is that, and anger at God for taking her, and anger at myself for not being there and well, the list goes on and on and on.
I hate that feeling, but I feel it a lot too. It is hard sometimes not to wish for other people’s trials and lives. Hang in there love.
Brittany says:
“I don’t want to drop perspective on people. How annoying is that selfish person, the one that listens to your problems and then one-ups you? I never ever want to be like that.”
You will NEVER be that person.
Never.
You have empathy and a heart, despite losing Maddie, you live your life with such love and caring, and absolute devotion to the people around you.
You are the classiest lady I know.
I hope this serves as wake up call to all the people who could maybe use this reminder.
Love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brittany says:
And CLEARLY by LADY, I mean, OMG YOU LOOK 19.
Are you even old enough to be married?
Who was president when you were born?
Just Jiff says:
I have never been in your situation, but I imagine what you’re feeling is totally normal. You can’t be thankful for what you have sometimes; you’re angry/upset/hollow/etc for a reason. Don’t feel badly for feeling how you do. Let it happen and give yourself the freedom to feel the way you do. The passing of a child is the worst possible event a parent could ever experience, so there are no rules to emotions. Thank you for posting it and not deleting it.
I LOVE YOU! (Hope that isn’t creepy since you’ve never met me IRL.)
Angie says:
You have every right to feel the way you do. There will probably be moments if not days for the rest of your life that you feel just this way. My Jordan would be 4 and his I have had James with me for 3 years now but there are times when it still hits me. Stay strong in what you feel only you walk your road and others can’t truly comment until they walk where you do.
Ames says:
It’s your blog. Write what you want.
lauren says:
I think that you are entitled to feel however you want to feel. I think you can take all the time in the world to feel whatever you feel. I have never been where you are but it seems to me that being angry and feeling grief and loving and being grateful annabel are not mutually exclusive. You can do both. You can be grateful for what you have, while grieving what you miss. And BTw while some people do have major problems that are horrible, some problems are not as horrible as what you have been thru…so I get what you are saying. I think the most important person you have to be a friend to right now is YOU. Your true friends will get that.
rach says:
funny how the posts like these get 100+ comments. i don’t think you’re as alone in this as you think you are, and i think there are alot out there who wish they could be as honest as you.
I just lost my purse at a Panda Express restaurant and it had EVERYTHING I LOVE in it. The same day I talked to my aunt who was just diagnosed with a horrible kind of cancer. Puts things into perspective.
Anyway, thank you for being honest for everyone who doesnt’ feel like they can be right now.
Rach says:
p.s. just because you miss maddie does not mean you don’t love annabel. the two are not mutually exclusive. i also don’t think it would be out of the realm of possibility for you to be angry sometimes at the daughter who lived…it doesn’t make sense, but it is what it is. human emotion is messy. messy, messy, messy.
Heather says:
Life is not all of one thing or another, and neither are people or emotions or anything connected to being human.
(And then there are people who are total neurotic drama freaks who need some perspective. No rule that says you have to take them seriously.)
Lori says:
Heather- I wish I could take a moment of your grief away, You have every right to how you feel and don’t let anyone ever make you feel guilty or ugly for your thoughts. You know your heart and are thankful for the good and loving parts of your life but you also must know you can feel angry and bitter when people complain over trivial things. Some old friends of ours little girl passed away this weekend from brain cancer and I feel like you have given me advice on the do’s and don’ts of helping someone through this terrible unfair and un-understandable time. Thank You
Martha H. says:
You have every right to have your feelings, no matter what they are, and you have a right to share them. I can’t imagine what you have/are going through, but it seems to me, to not have these feelings would lessen the beautiful, magnificent gift that Maddie is and what you lost. You lost someone who was/is literally part of your soul. You feel free to grieve and have any damn, excuse my french, feelings you want.
You are a strong, amazing woman and an inspiration to us all, but only because you are so irrevocably human. Just be you and let it all out. I wish for you to know we are all here for you and doing our best to hold you up, no matter how you feel. Always, and we will never forget sweet Maddie…
Lisa_in_WI says:
I hope you don’t delete this post, Heather. It’s refreshingly honest and a very human way to feel.
Heather says:
Honestly Heather, when I imagine what you’ve been through I wonder how you get out of bed each and every day. If you weren’t angry and depressed and sad and pissed off at the world, I’d worry about your sanity. Your feelings, no matter how ugly they may seem, are valid and real and there is no reason at all to feel badly about them.
Alena says:
Your feelings are real and raw and honest and probably what any of us would feel if we were in your position.
Hell, sometimes I get angry on your behalf. Recently I saw a little girl on the subway who looked–from a distance–a bit like Maddie. She was even wearing purple. Her mother reprimanded her for something inconsequential and even though it’s her right, as a mother, to reprimand her own child when she feels a need, I couldn’t help but think “lady, you don’t know how lucky you are to even have her here.”
Me says:
I understand completely.
I have to constantly hear how my friend will try genetic selection IVF. She got pregnant on the first try naturally .I did not. I was happy with any child, not gender A or B.
I have to hear constant warnings of “OMG you’re sick? Stay away because my baby can’t get sick.” Her child has never been sick once. Mine has been unresponsive, blue, on oxygen, in the hospital multiple times, sick at the drop of the hat, and if anyone is overly cautious about getting someone else sick, it’s me. I don’t need a lecture as I try to escape PTSD from those things in the past with my child.
I have to hear about her money problems only to find out her parents foot the bill for everything. She’s jealous of my income yet my income pays for 95% of our expenses.
But I am grateful because other friends of ours have children under 5 with stage IV cancer. I’ve been scared with mine but never that scared as they are with theirs.
I try to remain grateful. But I understand, life can be incredibly cruel, memories don’t fade easily, stress is high, and things are unfair. Be angry. It’s ok. It’s human.
Brigid says:
Wow. I feel like you literally crawled into my brain and wrote how I have now been feeling for months. I too have wondered whether this was one of the stages of my grief. This pure anger and jealousy kicked in for me right around the 2 year anniversary of my daughters passing. Thank you so much for sharing…this has been pure therapy for me in seeing that I am not alone in my thoughts. Thinking of you and praying for you all the time.
GingerB says:
Heather, this isn’t really ugliness that you are talking about – I think it is you being honest about the range of emotions you experience (and rightly so) as a result of your loss. Everyone of us who is a parent or wants to be a parent understands that – none of us can envision greater pain than what you are forced to bear and it is completely legitimate to feel cheated and agnry and everything else. I feel many of these feelings because my daughter, my dear sweet daughter who only deserves the good in life, is aflicted wtih CP, the after effects of a stroke, and so on and I am angry, jealous, overwhelmed and simultaneously filled with joy over every small accomplishment and blessed not to have lost her and frankly sometimes I feel completely whacked out because I am SO UP and SO DOWN at the same time. It is doing my head in. I think we have to forgive ourselves for these feelings we don’t like, give them recognition and don’t blame yourself because feelings are feelings and you have to feel them, but don’t beat yourself up over it. You were cheated, maddie and maddie’s entirely family was robbed of years of joy and you have every right to be angry. And then, you have love, and you have Annie, and in the end, the joy will win even though the grief remains. You are a person of light and love, Heather, the joy will win.
Tamara says:
Anger is a stage of grief. It talks about that in that brochure that I sent you. As is wondering why you are the one who has to bear this horrible burden. Sometimes righteous people in the Bible even reacted with anger against God for not taking their burden away. (Job and his wife did). It is normal. God knew this would happen and people would feel this way, that is why he wrote about it in the Bible for us to read and be able to relate. I still am praying for you. I see Annie likes books. Does she like the Bible story book?
Emmeline says:
I can’t say I understand exactly how you feel but I do know where you are coming from . Not to burden you but I am losing my father and I find others problems pale in comparison. Yours I hope I and others around the world NEVER have to experience . You are brave beyond words you and your hubby , you have my utmost admiration and how I wish oh I so wish that I could change what happened to you .
Jenn says:
Your bravery amazes me everyday and today was no exception. You have every right to EVERY feeling you have. Even though you named this entry “Ugliness”. I thought it was beautiful.
Sherry says:
I’ve not read any of the other comments but I’m positive they all say this…it’s completely, 100% positively ok to feel what you are feeling. If you didn’t feel like this then I’d think it was abnormal.
On a side note, after I read this post I looked down and saw the cutest, chubbiest little legs in the “Reader” picture. She is such a sweet, yummy chunk of goodness isn’t she?
Elle says:
I haven’t been through what you have but I’m currently grieving over the loss of my grandfather. I know it’s not even comparable but right now I’m pissed off at the world and can’t understand how others can be happy.
You’re feelings are perfectly normal and you have so many people who love you. Share all you want in your feelings. We’ll be there for you no matter what.
Rachael says:
To me, it’s not ugly. It’s just raw and honest. You have been through something awful, one of the worst things a person can go through. In the grand scheme of things, it has not been that long. And with the 514 day mark passing, you are in a difficult place. Don’t beat yourself up over your feelings. Anyone that’s worth anything will understand, and know that you are still a wonderful person even with the anger.
Ashley says:
Don’t delete it. You are deserving of every moment of raw emotion, “ugly” or not, in this process. And bless you, because if I were you and somebody came up to me complaining about their lunch or something trivial, I’d probably be a lot less graceful than you seem to have been. But nobody should be judged on grace (or lack thereof) when it comes to loss. It’s human, it’s unique to every individual, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Thinking of you and sending love your way.
Jennifer says:
All I have in me to offer today is ***hugs*** as I am finding myself in the same frame of mind lately… Hang in there Heather.
kate says:
I don’t know you and I feel angry and annoyed for you. It is not fair. Don’t ever apologize or feel guilty for feeling something so very justified. I am just sorry that our collective outrage can’t make this better.
Kate says:
I can’t imagine how angry I’d be at other people in your place. My mother is dying of colon cancer right now. They called chemo quits yesterday and she’s in ICU with a no touch policy at the moment because her infection rate is so great. I love her more than the moon and the sun and I STILL would not trade my problems for yours. You have been handed the most difficult thing any human being is asked to endure and for that, I believe, you deserve to act however you for as long as you need to and the people who love you will simply understand and continue to love you. Anyone else isn’t worth worrying about.
Molly says:
You are allowed to be angry! Even ugly at times. I believe in fake it till ya make it too–to act the way you want to feel sometimes–but when that doesn’t work, it just means that your real, negative feelings need expression. They’re just as real and true and worthwhile as happiness and gratefulness, and sometimes they need their moment too.
I feel angry with you for the amount of grief you’ve suffered.
Stephanie says:
Do not delete this post. The main reason why we all read this blog is because we want to know more about you and your life. Whether it’s fun, happy, sad, or ugly, we are interested in what you have to say. You are entitled, heck you deserve, to post something like this. I don’t understand what you have gone through because I’ve never been through it, but reading about your experience has helped me be more grateful for what I have. It’s so easy to take things for granted and to think that the world is ending because my baby refuses to nap. It isn’t until I read something like this post that I realize I need to focus on the positive and pray that I keep having what I do because these moments are too precious and can slip away at any moment.
Rebecca says:
My best friend Maureen died at age 56 from breast cancer in May of 2009. I remember a conversation we had after she had a long day at work and had to listen to whining and complaining about insignificant things. She told me she just wanted to yell at them and say “Shut up! I have breast cancer and I am dying. I am not going to be able to see my boys grow up to be men and have children of their own. I am not going to spend the rest of my life with my husband.” She was so angry and deservedly so. It’s no different then how you feel. There’s no way around it. It’s just not fair.
Noan says:
I remember being in the ER one night with my daughter and there was a mother freaking out about her daughter’s asthma – how scary it was, how hard to have a daughter with asthma, etc.,etc. and I thought, Oh Lord, spare me if THAT is the most you have to complain about. But like you, I used the “fake it til you feel it” technique and I chose a response to this mother that was thoughtful and comforting because in my rational head I do think that having a kid with asthma could be extremely scary. Teh problem is my kid’s medical condition scares me so much more. I was actually jealous of that mother and did not want to listen to her complain. And as I left the hospital that day I decided to Live the Question. The question being: How can I feel, not fake, but actually feel compassion for people who have problems I envy. Problems that I would trade mine for in a heatbeat. I found my answer and I believe you will too. Just live the question.
Becca says:
You have every right to feel the way you feel.
Sorry that you have to feel them though.
Don’t delete the post though, it’s good for you to share.
Laurie says:
Oh, Heather, don’t feel guilty for writing this. You are experiencing so many emotions (and rightly so) and you just need a way to sort it out. Getting it out, SAYING what you’re feeling, is much more healthy than bottling it all up and trying to act happy all the time.
*hugs*
Elizabeth says:
This, I understand. Not exactly, but in a way. And that’s all I really wanted to tell you. Someone out there kind of understands.
susie says:
Heather, I have said this over and over again, to myself and to my friends: Your feelings are yours and there is nothing you can or should do to avoid them. You just have to feel them and hope and pray that the people who love you are able to help you move through them. Even when things are moving along in the right direction, everyone deserves the opportunity to wallow in their sadness or anger. You be as sad and angry as you need to. We are here to listen and support you. Hugs from the East Coast.
Laura T. says:
Momma everything is still new. This all just happened last year. It is a process and it is going to take awhile. We all understand. I’ve never expereienced what you have gone through nor do I have kids yet but I still understand your feelings. I hope there are comforting words out there for you, I pray for them to come your way. BIG Hugs!
Karen says:
Every one needs to have a pity party. Don’t feel guilty about your feelings. Don’t feel guilty about expressing your feelings. It’s ok to feel this way. Ignoring or denying your feelings is worse and can be harmful to yourself and those around you. I’m all for crying and expressing your feelings. Being angry is natural. It’s what you do with this anger that’s important. (I clean house…really clean….things get thrown out!)
Accepting that this is the way you feel right now is good. Getting it out in the open is good. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to be sad. That’s where you are right now, and that’s ok.
Paula says:
Heather – I’d be concerned if you DIDN’T feel this way. It is normal. If people don’t like it they can bite your ass. (Or mine!) Do not delete it. It is not ugly – it is real.
Christine says:
Heather, you have the right to feel this way. No one here will judge you for something that is simply out of your control. Your emotions about Maddie are completely understandable.
Kelly says:
You’re human. Everybody does that. Everybody ranks their problems in comparison to everybody else’s at some point. You have one of the most horrible problems anyone can ever have. So its natural that when you hear others complain of some more minor issues, you would feel some anger. You’re still grieving, and again you are a human being.
I started losing my hair at about 22 years old. Any time I hear someone complain about a bad hair day, I want to smack them. Then I heard about your friend Anissa and her strokes, and I felt so petty being sad about my hair. But its okay to be sad about problems that aren’t really objectively all that horrible too.
Everyone’s pain and hurts are their own. We all get jealous and mad and wish we had part of someone else’s life. Please don’t beat yourself up for having a natural reaction.
Leslie says:
Totally okay. Totally expected. Totally sucky.
I have (in my head) said to people… “gee, if that’s the worst thing to happen to you, you are damn lucky. So suck it.” Never out loud, though.
Wishing you more peace in the days ahead.
Leslie
jessica says:
Please don’t delete. I do not walk in your shoes but I follow your blog and cry whenever I see you post anything about Maddie. I did not know her and do not know you but your life and your daughter have affected me so much! I like to think that we are all on earth for such a small part of “life” compared to what comes after (when we are reunited with everyone we lost). I could never imagine that anything anyone could say could truly comfort you after the blow you have been dealt but please know you are in my thoughts and I hurt with you too for your loss…if I could give you your little girl back I would in a heartbeat!
Brit says:
Not only SHOULD you feel this way but it is a great lesson for those of us who do complain about stupid sh*t. I repeat to myself “if my family is happy and healthy…what more do I need?”
It is people like you that have gone through such tragedy that inspire me to look at my problems with more clarity.
You inspire people with your honesty and bravery! Keep going!
Jenn says:
AAhhh Sweetie,
Sending you HUGE hugs!!! Please don’t delete this. These are you’re feelings and there is NOTHING wrong with them! Of course you feel that way when some one complains about their problems!! Really, how can you NOT feel that way? I think Patrick Swayze’s window said it best….”when someone you love dies, you feel it on a celluar level”. I get that and it sounds like you do!
When I look at Maddie, sometimes I laugh b/c she’s so cute, sometimes I cry b/c my own pain for you and Mike and especially Maddie is simply overwhelming. I get angry! Why did she have to go and WHY Do MY Friends Have Hurt so much every day!! It’s so NOT fair. I HATE IT!!!!
Please NEVER apologize for your feelings. You can’t help them, especially when you’re grieving. I know what it feels like to be surrounded by a house load of people and still feel so alone…like your drowning and every single time you come up to catch your breath, something or someone pushes you right back down!!! It’s right down exhausting, isn’t it?
It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t alone and you know what Heather? Either are you! So many people love and adore you but the fact of the matter is, none of that matters when the one little girl who, YOU love and adore isn’t here anymore.
I say you SCREAM when you need to, cry when you want to and show whatever emotion that comes within you!!! A true friend will be there. A true friend will understand sometimes in the darkness, you simply CAN’T be there right now and you know what, THAT’S OKAY!!!!
HEATHER -YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ALL THINGS FOR EVERYONE. YOU ARE NOT A BAD FRIEND IF YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK. ALL THAT MEANS IS YOU’RE CHOOSING TO USE YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES AND YOU ARE PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST, AND THAT IS PERFECTLY OKAY!!!!!! IN FACT, TRUTH BE TOLD, IT’S HEALTHIER TO BE THAT WAY…..EVEN IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THAT WAY BEFORE!
I know, I haven’t known you a long time but what I do know is this…1) You Are NOT Selfish person AT ALL!!!! 2) You are NOT a terrible friend. 3) You ARE there for EVERYONE!!!! 4) You Could NEVER be a Terrible person. 5) You are an EXCEPTIONAL mama, wife, friend and writer!!! 6) You have the kindest heart and are ALWAYS there for me when I am hurting, and ALWAYS offer to help me!!! 7) You have the BEST sense of humour!!!! You are BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT!!! 9) You work so hard to raise money for the March of Dimes, Maddie’s Friends and especially to keep Maddie’s legacyalive. 10) You are LOVED by sooo many and you are NEVER ALONE!!!
In closing PLEASE Know this is true…..I AM HERE FOR YOU HEATHER! IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE DROWNING, REACH OUT AND GRAB MY HAND BECAUSE IT WILL BE RIGHT HERE!!!! YOU ARE ONE OF THE STRONGEST, BRAVEST PEOPLE I KNOW…even if you don’t feel like you are right now.
One day at a time my friend. Remember to breathe and I am only a call or e-mail away. I’m so sorry you are hurting so very much. I’m so sorry I can’t make this better and bring Maddie back to you b/c I would….I would in a second!
Take Care of YOU!!!
With Love & Friendsip!
Jenn xo
Buffy says:
You have every right in the world to say whatever you want to say, whatever you are feeling. You are dealing with something unimaginable to most people. Something so sick and horrid and soul crushing. You say what you need to say.
Amy S. says:
Please continue to write what you feel and say what you mean. You and your family make me a better person Heather. You remind me to appreciate my life, my kids and the things I sometimes take for granted. If you weren’t honest, maybe I would forget this. I don’t think I’m strong enough to ever endure what you’ve been through and are STILL going through but if getting angry helps you out in any way, shape or form…go for it!
Karen Chatters says:
Never, ever apologize for your feelings. Ever. You have every right to feel the way you do. And I don’t mean just about Maddie, this goes for anything in life. Your feelings are yours and yours alone and people don’t always agree on things but that does not mean you have to apologize.
Ana says:
Not much to say, just that I believe what you are feeling is fair and normal. Hugs!
Iowamom says:
I enjoy reading your blog and I also enjoy your honesty. I have no insight into your feelings, but I am a mom. My heart breaks for you and has joy at the same time for your new baby Annabel. You’re doing a wonderful job!
Tara-Lynn says:
Heather….no parent EVER should have to experience what you have gone through. It is just not fair, and I am so very sorry for your family. You have every right in the world to be angry, and it certainly does not diminish how grateful you are for having Maddie, even for a short time, and how much you love her baby sister.
Hugs to you from Canada.
Michelle says:
What you’re feeling is so so valid. You are entitled to all of these feelings. Anyone who doubts your gratefulness at what you do have is a moron. It’s so evident that you savor every moment with your loved ones, and that you lived that way even before you knew how easily the things you love the most can be stolen from you in the blink of an eye.
I’m angry for you. I even get angry at myself when I start to throw a pity party about an issue with one of my little ones. Then I remember, they are HERE today and there’s no guarantee that they will be tomorrow. I need to shut up, get over the trivial stuff, and just enjoy them and love them.
When my son was in the PICU on life-support, a nurse forced me to get out for a few minutes and get something to eat (it was past cafeteria hours) and I ran across the street to a grocery store. I felt angry at and jealous of every person there, just because they (most likely) weren’t in my situation. I felt angry that the world was still going about it’s business when MY precious child was struggling just to stay alive. But when the check out lady asked, “How are you tonight?” I just replied, “Fine.” It made me realize that you NEVER know what other people are going through.
Okay…enough rambling. Please don’t delete posts like these. Thank you for being so honest.
Poppy says:
Let it all out Heather. Not only is it honest and pure but can’t help but feel it helps you. BE angry, you have every right.
Emily says:
Heather-
Your perspective is one nobody should ever have to experience but I think your ability to write about it and express yourself is truly a gift to those around you. You touch so many lives just by sharing yours; the good, the bad, and the “ugly”. Your voice is so important to so many whether they are experiencing grief themselves, trying to comfort a grief-stricken friend or family member, or simply following your story. I hate the amount of guilt that you feel for having “ugly” feelings, but I hope that you never allow that guilt to stop you from sharing what you’re going through because you have such an impact on everyone lucky enough to read you, know you, and love you.
Hugs,
Emily
LibraryGirl62 says:
Sometimes it just sucks! Plain and simple BLOWS!!!! I have my days like this and God knows I have NOTHING to complain about. You just have to go with it ~ we all have our bad days. Everyone who is happy all the time is medicated-I apologize if you are indeed a happy-all-the-time person, but the rest of us live in a world of ups and downs. Let it out, own it, then let it go. All ya can do…
Amanda says:
I think your feelings are not only justified but to be expected and by no means do you need to apologize for it. It’s part of the process, and I don’t mean the grieving process, I mean the living process. I think there’s always the thought that you’d rather be dealing with something else that appears to be less that what we are currently dealing with. I think it’s quite normal.
And with that…I send hugs.
Julie says:
Please don’t feel guilty. You’re a very kind person, you are allowed to have feelings. You have a lot on your plate, and it IS more than many others have. Please don’t feel guilty.
Liz says:
It is so, so hard to admit these feelings. It takes a lot of guts to do that, to give them life and make them known. Hopefully by doing this, you can set them free.
No one can tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. I would have to say that I doubt anyone would fault you for having these feelings. Echoing the sentiment of many others who have commented, I will say that it seems perfectly natural for you to feel this way. You have suffered a horrible loss. Let yourself have these feelings, however painful and ugly they may be. Guilt for having them will only serve to make it worse.
I don’t think you are not appreciating what you have by crying over what is missing. You miss Maddie. You love Maddie and Annie. You want them to be together, as they should be. Focusing on one does not take away from the other.
Hugs to you.
Jenny says:
I don’t think you should feel bad for the inner ugliness. In fact, I think you’re being too hard on yourself with the ugly label. It’s your grief, your broken heart and your life. I think that you do what you need to survive, and sometimes that means less than charitable feelings. No one is perfect, even if they like to tell you so. I’m glad that you keep on trying. I have immense respect for the way that you keep going. Your ability to express yourself in words is a treasure. I only wish for your sake and your family’s that the heartbreak and loss weren’t there, and that your Maddie was with you by your side. Best wishes.
Jenny says:
I forgot to ask… are you a Southerner at heart? It’s the only place that I’ve heard don’t be ugly (usually pronounced “don’t be yugly”) in reference to feelings. If you need to let your inner ugliness fly then go for it. I think that anyone that condemns you for it would never trade their walking shoes for yours. Best wishes for your family.
Two Makes Four says:
I haven’t read all nearly-200 comments, but I do see the general sentiment I was going to express too: FEEL IT. It’s okay. 10000% understandable. And no one in their right mind is going to judge you for it. Don’t be afraid to mourn and grieve and feel things that you’re “not supposed” to feel. It’s a reality that most people are too afraid to face, let alone share.
Kari says:
My first daughter was stillborn 5 years ago this month and I still feel the way you do. And I feel guilty about it, too. But it’s so true. Most problems seem pretty insignificant compared with the unfairness of you losing Maddie and having to find a way to live with it.
MJ says:
glad you didn’t delete this post. it’s ok to feel what you feel. i found with the death of one of my best friends that sometimes you think you’re ok and then the emotions just sneak up on me and make me want to scream at the unfairness of it all. i try to pretend that she’s living in another country or someplace with no phones, but i know better. it just sucks. what i’ve found, though, is that it’s better to feel what you feel when you feel it. don’t try to change your feelings or “cowboy up” or whatever, because if you try to suppress those feelings they will back up on you like nobody’s business.
so feel them, and bite your tongue in front of the general public, but have some pity parties with your close friends. that’s what they are there for.
Kayla says:
Oh sweetie, I know it’s so much easier said than done, but do NOT be so hard on yourself, please!
You have two beautiful, wonderful, special, amazing daughters – and one of them is not here. Thus, you are grieving. There is no stop time for grief.
You can mourn the loss of your daughter while still loving the other – it’s okay love. The unimaginable heartache you feel for not having Maddy does NOT detract from the unmeasurable love you have for Annie. It just doesn’t.
“Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o’er-fraught heart
and bids it break.”
~ William Shakespeare, in Macbeth, Act IV, Scene III.
Funsize says:
I used to work at a pet store, and people would complain about how they had to spend $700 on their dog’s surgery and now they can’t afford x, y, z. Now, I work at a call center for a traffic school and people complain about how they can’t get their proof of completion for the traffic school the day they’re due to appear in court because they finished the course 8 hours before the day it was due.
I roll my eyes every time I hear someone’s sob story. Because a) they’re stupid and trivial and because b) I wish my problems were trivial too. I wish I didn’t have to miss my baby.
I have no advice to you, just words to say that you aren’t alone. It’s been 2 years since my boy has been gone, and I still feel this way. I don’t know if it will ever pass, or maybe this is what life is like without the rose tinted glasses.
Big hugs to you.
Kathy says:
Hi Heather,
I have followed your blog for along time however I don’t believe I have ever left you a comment. There is a book called “Good Grief” just like Charlie Brown and I read it when I lost my Dad. It is a snapshot of grief, however personell your own is that shows some of the steps you are walking thru and helps to let you know that they all are healthy and perfectly normal. I remember reading this small tiny little book and realizing that how we grieve is our own and no one elses and that I was among the “normal”. I know my grief is but a drop in the bucket compared to what you have gone thru. Hope this helps you realize that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. God Bless. Kathy Phoenix AZ
thurieyyah says:
Dont delete – say what you want to say and do what you want to do – why do you have to hide it or fake it for that matter.
Losing Maddy was not easy – so why should the grieving process be??? JUST GO WITH IT!
Jennifer says:
I hope you don’t delete it. It’s honest and brave.
tiffany says:
please don’t delete this. i have been going through the same thing. my dad has been in the hospital since may and i can’t take anyone else’s problems seriously. unfortunately he passed away recently…and i just am very angry with the world right now. i dread trying to put on that fake face to give advice. i want to be a good friend too, but it is going to be a while. i can completely relate to this post.
Melissa says:
Thankfully I have never lost a child, but I had a fairly significant loss in my life about a year and a half ago. It was completely unexpected and I was angry at everyone… especially those who told me it was for the best. I was incredibly jealous of “happy people” until my Mom told me that everyone has their own problems. And it’s true. While everyone may appear perfect and happy on the outside they may be struggling on the inside. I started reading blogs of people that were inspiring (Nie Nie, YOU, and others) that made me realize that I could make it through, and I did. You, Mike and Annie have each other on earth and Maddie waiting for you in heaven. While it’s immensely difficult without her, I can see the love you two have for each other and the love the have for your girls in all your posts and pictures. And that gives others a reason to be jealous of you.
Mary says:
You get to have your feelings, whatever they may be. Anger is legit, even if no one else gets it. You get to be totally pissed off, and no one needs to say “Yeah, that IS a good reason to be angry.” Your friends will always be around you no matter what, and if they’re not? If they leave? Then they’re not worth having as friends.
Who says you should never miss what you’ve lost because you’re blessed with what you have? Having a lovely family doesn’t lessen the pain of losing a beautiful member of it.
So I’m sorry if you’ve gotten comments that are less than supportive. Some people just like to say hurtful things. But the rest of us? We want to help you however we can, even if it’s just by saying something as simple as this:
(((hugs)))
Nina says:
I’m glad you didn’t delete. I don’t comment often, but I read everyday. Bear witness to the grief, Heather. You honor yourself, your soul and Maddie’s too. I feel honored to bear witness. Don’t be ashamed.
Michelle W says:
Everyone has said it but I have to echo it because I don’t think you can hear it enough…
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, you are an amazing person, beautiful inside and out and your emotions are human and perfectly understandable and if anyone were to judge you as harshly as you are judging yourself you would have legions of people defending your character.
Sally says:
I know exactly what you mean.
xo
Beth Ann says:
Heather,
I just lost a baby in Aug. 2010. She was my first. Your words are exactly how I am feeling today. I am glad to know I’m not alone or going crazy that it’s normal.
Heather says:
OH no! I am so so sorry. I’m here for you, if there is anything I can do. Lots of love.