I am having a moment where I am overwhelmed. I’m quick to anger, and if you’re not careful I’ll bite your head off. I work so hard to push down this down. I live by the expression “fake it ’til ya make it.” Right now I just cannot fake it.
I want to sit and cry over what is missing and not feel guilty for momentarily not appreciating what I have. I want to be a good person but sometimes I can’t help but be jealous of the problems other people have. I can’t stop myself from sneering and rolling my eyes when no one is looking.
In my mind I’m screaming, “Your problem is fixable! Mine is irrevocably broken!” but I would never ever say that. Everyone’s problems are legitimate. Everyone’s problems are hard. I just want THEIR problems instead of my own. I want to trade with someone for a day and not bear the crushing weight of grief.
Just writing this makes me feel awful. I want to be a good friend. I want to help people with their problems. I don’t want to drop perspective on people. How annoying is that selfish person, the one that listens to your problems and then one-ups you? I never ever want to be like that.
Is this the anger stage of grief? I don’t know. I don’t like it.
I feel blessed and cursed. These emotions swirl inside of me and sometimes they just explode and it’s a big mess.
The guilt over even writing this is intense. What am I trying to accomplish? I guess I just want to understand myself. I don’t want to feel like a terrible person when I want to yell at someone when they say their life sucks. I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t want to feel alone.
Or maybe I’ll just delete this.