I’m feeling very bitter today.
One of the hardest things about grief is that you have it forever, but the people around you eventually move on. The calls and emails and text messages slow down. It’s not that they aren’t sad, or stopped caring, but they can’t hold your hand forever. Nor should anyone expect them to.
I have always tried to be good about landmine days with my friends. I put important dates and reminders in my calendar…but I miss things, I know I do. I need to try harder and practice what I preach.
This is the rational part of me. The irrational part of me, however, is the part that is upset. Because sometimes I really wish that people would try harder for us. Yeah, I know it’s selfish. Yesterday I got a text from a friend that simply said, “I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you.” It was so simple and easy, it took maybe twenty seconds to type. But it made me cry. Because that friend not only remembered, but took the time to tell me. Something as easy as a text message can literally overwhelm me with gratitude. And I wonder, why can’t more of my friends and family do this?
I know it’s ridiculous. We are lucky in that we get comments and emails all the time telling us that Maddie is impacting lives. That should be enough – and it is, truly. But sometimes, I want the people that knew her, that know me, to also tell me that she matters. To email me during the week of her death and the week of her birthday. To take a few hours out of their day and show up for the March of Dimes walk. They’d certainly show up if I was having a birthday party for her, so why not come support us on an extremely emotional day? And yet, I have friends that have never ever marched for Maddie.
Honestly, I almost hesitate to publish this, because I know it sounds so whiny. But then I think of all the people who say, “What can I do? Can I do anything to help you?” My standard reply is, “Oh, I’m OK.” But really? I’m not. Not at this time of year. So, if you want to help me, you can tell me that you’re thinking of me. You can show up for the March of Dimes walk. You can tell other people about it. Send me a text. An email. Write on my Facebook wall. Send a card. I need this. I need to know that you still care. And I’m going to need to know next year. And the year after. And after.
And also, while you’re at it, make a note of the days that your friends and family might need a little extra love. Because really, who doesn’t want to know that they’re being thought of?
Pol says:
Made a donation to your March of Dimes team this morning – wish I could do more.
Sarah G says:
I hear you, and I have often had similar thoughts as you have just expressed, but about more minor things (Why didn’t my brother call on my birthday?). I think part of the problem is that people get so wrapped up in their lives and some people in particular are really bad at organising things so they remember other people’s significant moments. You’re absolutely right – everyone should start trying harder to note these things down in their calendars so that they can send some more love and support to the ones who need it. Much love to you, Mike, Annabel and your families today and this week. XOXO And sorry for sending you a dumb email about jalapeno peppers yesterday
Kelly says:
Thank you for this post Heather. It is so very true that we all should try harder to be there for the ones we love for both the joyful and especially the sorrowful times. Grief is such a treacherous thing to navigate. It is also an essentially lonely process. The people who push through our isolation to comfort us, stand by us, and just acknowledge our loss mean everything on some days. So much love to you.
amanda says:
I’m so sorry you are hurting like this – and I really hope you get the support that you need and deserve from those who are closest to you this week. Love to you and Mike.
Catherine says:
Don’t know you, but believe that we care. If I lived in CA I woul be marching for your team. Be well!
Katie says:
I rarely comment as I feel that words can’t do justice to what I really wish to express – I hope this makes sense… I have been following your website for quite a while now and feel I have come to ‘know’ you well enough to be able to tell when things aren’t going so great. I feel for you in all that both you and Mike have gone through and know this is a process that takes time. The pain that you feel each year on this anniversary – and each and every day beside that – is simply impossible for me to comprehend but I want you to know (and I think I speak for all of your followers here) that people do remember and they are thinking of you. You are not being ‘bitter’ or ‘ridiculous’ in this post and I want to thank you for speaking your mind. I really wish this could all be somehow made easier on you. Sending you many, many warm thoughts and positive vibes from afar!!!
TMC says:
I’ve been on your site many times and have never commented. But I have thought about your family a lot recently, thinking about how the pain and love come through so clearly from your entries. It seems to be the love. You both love Maddie so so much. More than anything. (As a parent, you can love each child more than anything). And that love is still so enduring and searing. It has not faded, will never fade. Who loves deeper than that? I don’t even know you but as this terrible day approaches, you all and especially Maddie have been in my thoughts and prayers everyday this week.
Meg...ct says:
I am so profoundly happy that you published this. It is so hard for those of us who are watching the pain to know what to do….I am watching my brother and sister in law journey the same painful path as you.
I remember. I remember every day. I think of my niece EVERY DAY. I remember your Maddie EVERY DAY….but, I never know if I am supposed to say it aloud. Will it cause more grief for my brother and sister in law or you? I am so happy when I see them with their “game face” on, that I don’t want to be the one to drag them down into the abyss agian.
Now I know….thank you.
Wishing you peace and love always.
TonyaM says:
Many people your age have never experienced a significant loss, so they really just don’t get it. While most of us cannot imagine what you are feeling, there are those of us who have experienced being rocked by grief. I’d say those are the ones who are more in tuned. No matter how compassionate a person is, I don’t believe earth-shattering grief can be understood until you’ve been there. My best friend lost her mom suddenly when we were in our twenties. I felt so badly for her, but within six months or so, I was like, hmm, she’s doing fine now. All better! Then I lost my dad, and I KNEW. I knew that she hadn’t been better a mere six months later, and I felt like the most awful friend in the world. I’m so sensitive to others who experience loss now, and I’m ashamed that it took what it did to make me that way.
Not to excuse the actions of those close to you, but I’m sure you are on their minds so often. For some reason there’s just a disconnect between THINKING of you and LETTING YOU KNOW they are. I know I’ve been so guilty of that with those I love.
And as far as readers, I think of you guys every single day. My heart aches on days you write about your struggles, and smiles on the bittersweet days that the posts are funny or cute or light, but I know that paralyzing grief is always there no matter what. I don’t always comment because sometimes I sit here unable to think of yet another way to say, OMG! How cute is Annie?! Or, I’m praying for you all…….but maybe from now on I don’t need to worry about that.
So, sweet Spohrs, please know the impact you’ve had on a total stranger all the way across the country. Love, hugs, and prayers from a Tennessee friend.
Miriam says:
What a nice message and another perspective to offer.
Krissa says:
I’m one of the countless people who know you only through your website. It’s been a long time since I commented….and things in my own life went kind of out of control for a while and so I don’t read every day the way I used to. But I do think of Maddie and your family from time to time and I was thinking about you lately …. knowing that it’s this terrible time of year. And just so you know, there’s yet another ‘stranger’ out here who’s thinking of you guys and who remembers your beautiful Maddie. (((Hugs)))
Susan says:
I also rarely comment but I’m here to tell ya, I think of you every day when I read your blog. I think of Maddie every day and wonder at how strong you and Mike are that you can get out of bed every day. I know you’ve got Annie to prod you out of that bed but there’s always somebody still missing in your life and I just want to hug you both. Thinking of you here in Minnesota
Susan
Christine says:
I read your blog everyday and think of Maddie and you.
Annie says:
I’ve been thinking of you and your family all week. I have read your blog almost every day for almost three years now and cannot fathom the loss you have endured. Even thought you don’t know me and we’ve never met, I am thinking of you and remembering your sweet daughter.
Still Playing School says:
This is so true. It also seems to me that sometimes the people who expect the most from us (on their birthday, holidays) , don’t return the favor to us in our grief, and THAT is really hard for me to swallow.
Thanks for saying this. Not just for you, but for all of us.
Terri says:
I’m so glad you did post this Heather. It’s not whiny at all, gosh don’t even think that. Wonderfully written and some things just really need to be said. ((Hugs)) I’m another stranger that thinks about Maddie every single day. She’s made me a better mommy to my own daughter.
Heather Ann says:
Heather and Mike,
I am so sorry for your loss and how you are feeling right now. You bring light to each and every one of my days and I am grateful to you both for that. I have a friend at work who lost her son when he was 7. She has taught me a lot about grief. I’m not there to hug you or cry with you, but you are both in my thoughts. Maddie was a sweet, beautiful little girl and I wish she was still here with you.
Mary Ann says:
It may sound strange but I think about your family and Maddie all the time. I have been reading your blog for years I cried when I heard the news about Maddie and I cried again when I read about the birth of Annie. Even though we have never met, I feel connected to you in some way. I look through old pictures and posts of Maddie and think of you often, in awe of how you keep going. My day just doesn’t seem right unless I check in to see how the Spohrs are doing. I just wanted to let you know that I will be wearing purple on Saturday for your little girl and keeping you close in thought. By the way this was a great post, I am sure it opened a lot of eyes and will make a difference in many lives.
Jenn says:
This is true….it’s ALWAYS nice to receive a text out of the blue just to say you’re thought…..ESPECIALLY during difficult times. I do try to do this with all my friend but RARELY is it ever returned. Thinking of you as always.
Erin says:
I’ve been following your family for the last three years, although I don’t comment much. I can only imagine how hard it is to live through April 7th every year. I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week, and I just wanted to let you know that you’re in my thoughts. I wish there was something more I could do.
Mary says:
It’s all so true. The first year, sometimes the first two years, people generally think about everything that could be difficult. After that, I sometimes feel they think I must be past it now, so how could I need support? I think the truth is that unless someone has walked the road of grief, they have no idea how to support someone else on the same path. And sometimes they’re hesitant to mention the person because they don’t know how we will react.
Please know that I keep you guys in my heart through the year and think of you especially on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, and during this week. But I think if you started getting emails and texts from me, you MIGHT think I’m just a tad bit stalker-ish.
I’m glad you published this. I’m guessing the people who care about you and read here are also glad you published this. It gives them greater insight into how they can help you. And always remember that all of us here, wherever we may be, are beside you to help whenever you need it.
Love to you all.
Mary
Liz T. says:
I am a stranger and I think of you, Maddie, Mike and Annabel often. I read every day. I’ve learned through your grief how to respond and give comfort to my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. I hope I have succeeded.
Ali Weathers says:
I am thinking of you and praying for you all the way from Charleston, South Carolina. And for what its worth- every time my Publix has anything for the March of Dimes at the register I always give a donation because of Maddie! Stay strong!
Kelli G. says:
I, too, only know you through your blog but I’ve been reading for years. I believe it was since the first birthday you celebrated without Maddie, where you and Mike were wearing purple and eating cream puffs. Since that day, I’ve read your blog daily and feel as if you are part of my life and my daily routine. So know that there are many people out there, like me, who love Maddie and your family who you have never met but you have impacted. And we’re all thinking about you this week. Much love to you and your family, Heather.
Lisa says:
I think we all need to be reminded to tell those around us that they matter, that we are thinking about them, etc. Sadly, we often let our lives get in the way and forget that a simple “I’m thinking about you” or a simple “I love you” can truly make someone’s day, make them feel better.
Love and hugs to all of you. You are on my mind and in my heart today and every day.
Rachel C. says:
I think of you and your family often. Through reading your blog, I’ve changed my way of thinking about children, family, loss, and love.
My mom lost her dad suddenly when she was a teenager and his birthday is this Saturday. I never got to meet him, but I miss him. I never got to meet Maddie, but I miss her. Every April 7th I go to church and light a candle for him, and I’ve added a 2nd candle for Maddie the past 2 years and forever will.
CAM says:
Heather, not sure if you will see this comment, but I also lurk on another site An Inch of Gray – they recently lost their son, Jack and she did a post about how to help a grieving family. I think of you guys every time I visit her blog.
http://aninchofgray.blogspot.com/
CAM says:
My last comment didn’t include the right link – I hope it’s OK that I’m bringing this to your attention, I’m not trying to spam you or anything. After reading your blog post, her recent post immediately came to my mind – as there is a common thread.
http://aninchofgray.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-you-can-do-to-help-grieving-family.html
Prairie Princess says:
I so totally get this as having lost my mom 13 years ago and my niece 2 years ago, feel the same way. Very few people remember or understand why on those significant dates THAT CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER I want to curl up in a ball and wallow in my self pity, let alone send an encouraging message.
I’ve been thinking of you all week and how bad it must suck right now. I’m so so sorry for your loss, that’s all i know to say.
Stacy says:
I think sometimes we tiptoe around and say nothing because we aren’t sure what to say, or if we should say anything at all… it isn’t right or okay, but I would say that is probably the reason more people don’t sent a text or an email. One of my best friends found out she has incompetent cervix when she went into labor and delivered her son at 22 weeks, he took one breath and passed away. She has since had another baby, a little girl, but the pregnancies were 6 years apart. I made sure to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day each year, because even though she didn’t have a baby in her arms, she was just as much a mother as I am, and I tried to let her know I was thinking about her around the time of his birth and when he would have been due. I always wondered if I was doing the right thing, and thanks to this post I know I was. So thank you, I know this post wasn’t meant for awareness, but I think it helps others to know that is okay to reach out, we won’t make you hurt any more than you already are.
I am terribly sorry for the pain you are going through this week. I grew up missing a sibling that passed before I was born, and still can’t comprehend what it must be like for you, what is like for my parents, or the other way too many parents missing their babies.
Judy says:
Thinking of you today and everyday ((hugs))
jessica says:
I am making a donation to MOD and if I live in LA I would proudly walk with you! I read your blog everyday and I can honestly say there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you! Maddie would be proud of all that you accomplished in her name!
Kate says:
I’m sorry! I don’t comment, because well, I really don’t KNOW you, and you don’t know me so I don’t know what to say exactly. But, you are right…that is not helping you. I do think of you – I come to your blog, because I think of you. Sometimes, late at night after I put my own kids to bed, I think of you, and wonder how you are doing. I admire your strength. And I often think of sweet Maddie and how lovely she was. I am so sorry, still, for your loss and I wish I could say something …I don’t know…more profound. I am sorry this time of year will always be so painful.
Laura M says:
Heather, I don’t comment all the time but I read every single post. When I watch you and your husband with A I know that you are also missing Maddie. I marched for Maddie three years ago and if I could, I would do it again. I’m not medically aloud. However, I am proud to say that although I am a state away now I get people to sign up and march or pledge here. I do it because I think of you, your family, and your little girls. I can’t imagine how hard each day is but you are such an inspiration. Putting your life out there, your feelings, your everything. For that I thank you. Hugs and ALWAYS thinking of all of you.
Adrianne says:
I think it’s really great that you decided to publish this because if I had to guess, it’s not just that people aren’t thinking of you or don’t want to support you; it’s that they don’t know how. I’m not trying to make excuses for anyone, but I think it’s like Meg said up above. In general, people don’t know how to handle death. And they don’t want to say the wrong thing. At least I know I am that way. (I think) sometimes people would rather say nothing than risk saying the wrong thing and further upsetting the person who is grieving.
Having said all of that, please know that even though I’m just a stranger from the internet, I am thinking of you this week and always. Your sweet Maddie is never far from my heart, as strange as that may seem.
Just to reiterate what I said in my first paragraph: I sat here for 5 minutes with this comment, debating whether or not to publish, hoping that my words are received with the same intention with which I wrote them.
RG says:
I’m thinking of you. I think of Maddie today, and every day, even though I was never so blessed as to have met her.
J+1 says:
I’m just another stranger from the internet who is keeping you and your family in my thoughts and heart this week.
And you are not whiny. It’s important to get out what you’re feeling, whatever it is.
farrar says:
I care. Over a year and a half ago, I fell in love with Maddie eyes, and grin and beauty, and I bagan reading your blog because of her. I feel like I have gotten to know you and Mike and Annie, because of her. All the way from me in Alabama to you in California, I care. Prayers and thoughts your way this week. Prayers and thoughts your way everyday when I stalk your blog and don’t comment, which I don’t do, rarely ever do I comment on anyone’s, I care.
Daisy says:
I’m glad you wrote this, because as I asked earlier this week, I wondered if my little emails were helpful or hurting- and I’m glad to know they are wanted and needed. I have some other friends who carry burdens like yours and because of your guidance, I feel like I’ve been able to be a good friend to them despite their sadness and pain. Sometimes you have to remind people how to help, and I’m glad you are doing it, even if you think it sounds whiny (it does not).
katie says:
Holding all of you in my heart during this difficult time.
Rachel says:
I am thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Annie and will be all month. I’m sending an invisible hug for all of you! I know it’s not the same, but I can relate. My mother has been suffering from brain cancer for the last three years and the loss of her (she suffered major brain damage from the radiation and is not the same) sits with me every single day, but yet she’s technically still alive so most of my friends have forgotten that I’m still handling this intense situation every day. They’ve moved forward from the shock of her diagnosis. I haven’t. I miss her, every day. It’s hard.
Lindsey says:
I’m sending you an invisible hug, as well, Rachel. So very sorry for what you are going through.
And to Heather, this post was very courageous and real of you to write. You are the Velveteen Rabbit – if your realness upsets people, so be it. People have to be told sometimes how to help those they love who are hurting. I love your family and like others have said, through reading your blog every day, I have come to love every one of you and I will remember dear, sweet, adorable Maddie always. Love from Atlanta, Ga.
Michelle says:
I’m so sorry Heather. I have never commented because I feel whatever I say is so inadequate. I do want you to know that I think of you guys every day. I read your blog every day. I see Maddie’s pictures every day and every day I feel both sorrow for your loss of Maddie and happiness for your gain of Annie. I wish I could say something that would make things better for you guys but I know that nothing anyone can say will make things better. Please know that someone that you’ve never met, seen or talked to is thinking of you daily.
molly says:
I’m so sorry for your loss and continued grief. As a pediatrician, I’ve seen parents lose children in the ICU and other settings. Your honesty has made me be especially attentive to the way I interact with parents in these terrible situations. I read this beautiful and wrenching essay this morning about the loss of a child and grieving process and thought you might appreciate it as well. I have been thinking of you this month and will continue to keep you and Maddie in my thoughts. Like many readers, my children adore photos of Maddie. We’ll continue to enjoy them as time goes on–she’s not forgotten.
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/06/13/110613fa_fact_hemon?currentPage=all
Nicole says:
Heather, Mike, Maddie, and Annie
You are all in my thoughts during this difficult week. I am just a web “friend” but I don’t think you sound whiny. You are right to ask for support. We all need extra love and attention at one time or another.
Amy says:
I think of you and Maddie daily. I know that we are virtually complete strangers, but I read your blog almost every day and can’t help but feel connected in some way. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
Sometimes it’s hard for most of us to “see past the nose on our face,” as my grandmother would say, but sadly it’s true. We get wrapped up in our own lives and forget that others may need a little extra help now and again. Sometimes you just have to ask, and that’s ok. Don’t ever feel like asking for help is being whiney. I really wish that I lived closer so that I could walk with you.
Jen says:
I’m sorry that I haven’t commented this week, but I read your blog everyday and am always thinking of you and your girls.
I went on a walk this weekend and the weather was beautiful. I walked past a house I don’t usually pass and they had the most beautiful garden filled with all shades of purple. I thought of little Maddie and the beauty she has brought to the world. I wanted to take a picture but didn’t have a camera with me. I’ll go back this week.
Sheila says:
Here’s what I have learned– you really find out who your “true” friends are after you have suffered a loss & you also find out what kind of friend YOU are or need to be. I’ll never forget when my dad died suddenly 20 yrs ago how my older sisters friends swooped in and took care of all of us (5 sisters). My friends traveled from school 3 hrs away & their parents 6 hrs away to come to the funeral. They are still my true friends to this day.
My best friend still calls & sends a card on my dad’s anniversary. The same went for when my mom died & I lost a boy at 19 weeks.
I remembered that and promised I would do the same someday. And recently my best friends husband died suddenly & I was on the next flight to her. I just called her yesterday on her wedding anniversary just to check in & I do the same for his bday & death as for others that have suffered losses. It matters – I know it does b/c it matters to me.
I believe that some people are great comfort in the short term but it takes a certain personality & (I think) someone that has walked in your shoes to be there for the long haul. I could go on and on about my observations of how people deal with others that are grieving but suffice it to say you will be that true friend to someone else b/c you will remember how much it meant to you.
giselle says:
I’m sorry Heather. It’s ok to want more. I think about you and your family almost everyday! And I know your friends and family do too. I know it doesn’t make it better, but I know they are sad and I know they care because it’s pretty clear that to have known Maddie is to have loved Maddie.
Janeen says:
I painted my nails a beautiful shade of purple yesterday and in the middle of painting i thought about Maddie. Not to sound like a creeper but I have been reading your blog for a few years and beautiful purple things remind me of your special girl! Oh and the color is “Do you lilac it?” by OPI, I think you would love it too.
sending my thoughts during this difficult week…..
Carol Fisher says:
I have never met you and possibly never will. I don’t have your cell phone number. But please know that I’m thinking of you and wishing that I (a total stranger) could do anything to take your pain away and to give you back you Maddie. Please also accept my apology for all human beings who can sometimes be lazy about our love. Your post is a good reminder that we all need to be more deliberate about loving the people in our lives, especially during difficult times. And I hope it’s okay that even though we’ve never met, I still refer to you as my “friend on the internet”. May the joy of Maddies’s smiles and squeals of delight take up more of your heart and mind than the painful memories of her passing during this difficult week. Hugs and sunshiney love from S. Florida.
gorillabuns says:
I really thought it would get easier for us by now. How stupid of me to thinks so. I’m sorry. I get the bitterness. It’s my new hair do.
Dawn says:
I first started following your blog when Matt Logelin posted on his blog about your beautiful Maddie. I prayed for your family daily, and asked god to give you peace and understanding. I can’t imagine the grief that you endure daily. One thing i’ve learned is that grief holds no expiration date. My mom died when I was only 13yrs old, and I still grieve for her, for the things we never got to experience. My heart hurts for your family..and even though I didn’t know Maddie, I felt a connection to her through your pictures. Her smile was contagious and her eyes just drew you in. I just wanted to take the time to let you know that I think of Maddie often, and I visit your blog to look at pictures of her. All of you are in my thoughts and prayers. I will wear purple in her honor.
Molly says:
I am so glad you wrote this, and let people know what you need from them. This is so helpful for me in thinking of how to be supportive for others around me, and for asking for what I need from friends and relatives as well.
Denise says:
There will always be people that retreat from our lives just when we want them the most. I’m working harder on being grateful to those that don’t retreat. Those friends and family members are my true pillars. As a friend that lives in your computer, I can’t fathom how you wouldn’t be on the forefront of my mind because YOU ARE. I adore you Heather and it makes me applaud you from Colorado that you are brutally honest (not whiny), maybe it will help some people take a better look in the mirror.
Rebecca from MX says:
I totally understand what you are saying…..and know that I always read you and think of you and Maddie, she has made a big impact in me, and because of her and you, I kiss and cherish my little girl more every day.
God bless you!
Kristin says:
Unfortunately some people just don’t operate that way. They just don’t even think to be thoughtful. But it certainly isn’t too much for you to ask for, especially from the people that know you and Maddie. You just want to know that they are affected, they they still think of her and of you.
I think of you and your beautiful girls often. Hugs to you.
Marnie* says:
You and Mike are in my thoughts, always.
Eve says:
Hi Heather,
I just want you to know that I’ve never met you, and live across the country from you. But every year at this time, when my purple hyacinths start to come up, I think of your beautiful daughter. I’m so sorry.
Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch says:
You’re definitely allowed to have bitter, angry, sad and selfish days. We’ve never met but your lives and words resound in my heart. Please know we think about you and pray for you often.
Kathy says:
you don’t know me…I only know you through your blog. BUT – I read your blog like it is part of my job…I can’t start my day without reading it. I talk about you guys with my husband like we are long lost friends that he has never met, like I knew you guys before I met him.
I think about you guys and your loss frequently and I honestly don’t know what I would do if I had to go through what you guys have gone through. Anna is the spunkiest little girl I know (in a cyber sort of ‘know’) and you guys do an amazing job (at least from what I read) of coping on a daily basis.
I know this time of the year – and any other random day could be the hardest to even get out of bed.
I know this blog hit home for me with my local friends…I don’t let them know I think of them as often as I should could…would like to. Thank you for publishing this – reminding all your readers that a simple “HI thinking of you” text can mean the world to all of us!
cynthia says:
Kathy- well said about it being part of your job. I have it on my favorites toolbar (at work and home)!
Heather, so many people are sending you love and support. People you don’t know and will never know. But we feel like we know you guys. I hope it helps in some small way.
{huge hugs today and every day you are feeling blue}
Angela Adlich says:
I think of you and Mike all the time. I read your blog every day and laugh, and cry and have tried your recipes and your hair tips and your updates on Jackie. I’m a transfer over from Matt Logelin’s site and have been keeping up with the Spohrs for years now. It’s amazing really… I talk about you to my friends and say things like “my friend Heather in CA”. Silly, I know, but I feel like you’re a friend. Please know that your entire family – Bampa and everyone – is thought of and loved from far away places, all the time. (Okay, maybe Missouri isn’t THAT far away, but you get the picture.) I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had 2 miscarriages, my mother died from cancer in 2005 at the age of 48 and my brother died in 2002 at 12 years old. I understand some of the grief you are still dealing with. The pain lingers and the memories remain, and it just sucks all around. I wish I knew more of what to say. Thinking of you today and everday. xoxo Angela – from Missouri.
Kristi says:
Thank you for sharing this. I never know what to do for people who are grieving so I try a little of this and a little of that hoping I don’t offend or make things worse. This post really helped me to understand that what I say doesn’t really matter as long as I say SOMETHING!
When I was driving along a beautiful stretch of road the other day all the trees were in bloom with delicate purple flowers and I thought of Maddie…
Nicole says:
Thank you for having the courage to share this. It inspires me to do more for my friends who have suffered terrible losses, and I hope others will do the same. I am always impressed by you and Mike and hope you know that your strength–and vulnerability–stand as beacons to others. Thinking of you at this awful time of year.
Susan says:
“Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone. ”
-Gladys Bronwyn Stern
Do not apologize for posting this post. It provides valuable insight, and you are a reliable voice of someone who can express their irrational thoughts, rationally. Also, I think it brings out people who otherwise stand silently by, unsure of what to do or say, and afraid of hurting someone further.
Honestly, I admire who you are. I admire your strength, your dedication, your ability to be such a wonderful wife and mother, and your ability as a writer. I want to be as strong as you. I’ve been shy about saying this until today, you are a bit of a role model to me. Not because you are perfect, but because you are eloquent even when you are describing and admitting to your own imperfections. You tell people that you’re human, and it’s okay to feel (even when it’s not what other people want to hear).
I have been reading your blog everyday since June 2009. I am sorry I do not post more often. I think of Maddie and the rest of your family on her birthday, and I think of Maddie and the rest of your family during this monumental week; I make sure to post during these days. I get a creme puff, and think of Maddie. I think of you as a friend, even though we have never met.
My best wishes and love to you and your family; you are most definitely thought of.
tracie d says:
thinking of all of you guys.
i lost my mom labor day weekend….it is so hard for me to get invited to silly parties by close friends and family every year….either they have all forgotten when my mom died or they’re just over it. but i’ll never get over it.
also- you have this blog outlet, much like my sister has her facebook entourage. people know my sister’s thoughts bc she’ll post “miss you mom” every single year. fine for her (she’s much more outgoing than I am), but just bc i don’t post on facebook doesn’t mean i don’t miss my mom. maybe bc i’m so private, people feel it’s less likely that i need support.
Dawn says:
Heather, I have never commented on your blog but I’ve been reading for years, I found you through Matt and Madeline. I so appreciate how you share dealing with your grief on a day to day basis. I cannot imagine what you are feeling at all, but between you and Matt, I was and still able to deal with the recent loss of my dad. You have let me know that things go up and down, that months and even years later, you will get hit with another wave that can take you down. Please, please know that you, Mike, Maddie and Annie are in my thoughts daily. God bless all of you as you come into a very hard time and know that people are thinking of you.
Kate says:
I don’t know you in real live, but I start every morning at work by checking in on your family and remembering Maddie.
I made a donation to your March of Dimes team yesterday to remember.
Sending extra good thoughts your way this week.
Andee says:
I rarely comment. I read daily. I dreamed of you and Mike both last night. I live in AZ and I know you were here recently for Spring training…we were at a game drinking Bloody Mary’s, weird because I don’t even like them. I must have been thinking about your family because I know this is a difficult time of year. There are so many of us that silently support you every day of our lives and I guess sometimes we just need to let you know that we support you out loud.
AMY says:
I am glad you posted this – I have often wondered whether little thoughts were more harming than helpful – in my head I wondered if they were reminding you constantly of the pain rather than being happy.
Not only in this situation, but in my life in general, I will try harder to let people know that I am thinking about the little things and that I do care.
As the day approaches I hope you find some kind of solace, in something – anything . Sending you love and strength.
Shanda says:
You don’t know me and have never met me. I simply read your blog and feel like I know you. I want you to know that I think about you and Maddie all the time. I check here on a regular basis just to see how you are doing and what you are writing about today. I began reading your blog when Maddie died. That was hard to even type, but you make it clear that it makes you feel better when people don’t just skate around what happened to your baby. When I see something purple or a little girl with big eyes that looks like Maddie, I think of you. I am so sorry that you can’t hold her anymore. It is not fair. I just wanted you to know that a stranger cares for you and thinks about you all the time.
steve shilstone says:
Sending you good vibes from an old hippie wearing a purple Maddie t-shirt.
cindy w says:
You don’t sound whiny at all. I totally get what you mean about “landmine days” – I’ve been thinking about you guys a lot for the past several days because I know it’s coming up.
Btw, yesterday, Catie picked out her Easter dress. She chose a purple one. It made me think of Maddie.
Another Casey says:
Just another lurker echoing what everyone above me has said. . . I think of and pray for you and your family daily. . .I wish you peace and comfort.
Elaine H says:
I started reading your blog shortly after Maddie was born. I always looked forward to seeing the beautiful pictures of Maddie and reading about your & Mike’s grand adventures in parenthood with your extraordinary baby girl. I was 7 months pregnant with my second daughter when Maddie died. I was so shocked and saddened by the news. Although I don’t have the pleasure of knowing you and Mike personally, I wanted to offer my support back then — and still do now. I’m not a frequent commenter, but I read your blog daily and I have donated to March of Dimes in honor of Maddie. Writing today to send my love to your family and let you know that you are in my thoughts.
christine says:
Love to you all during this very difficult time.
Trisha says:
Thinking of you and your family this week especially. I remember!!
Lindsay says:
Thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Annie this week. I can tell that Maddie was and is deeply loved. I think about Maddie very often, and every time I do, I remember to hold and hug my son even more. She will always be remembered and carried in so many people’s hearts everyday. I will wear purple on Saturday.
Melissa says:
Just so you know even though I dont comment often. I do think of you and Mike and Maddie, and read your blog daily. Often I dont comment because I dont know what to say. But you are in my thoughts. Always.
Anna says:
Heather I have been on both sides. My best friend lost her entire family in a fire a few years ago. As her friend it was horrible to watch the heartbreak and not be able to fix it. I never wanted to bring them up because she would cry and I never wanted to be responsible for making her do that.
And then I lost my 2 kids in a car accident and suddenly got it. I crave the same support that you do and I have become a more sensitive friend. But to be fair unless you are in this club it’s hard to grasp and I would much rather feel sad and alone than welcome another member.
Tell them what you need. They will be there for you.
Molly says:
Anna, I am also so sorry for your terrible, terrible loss (and that of your best friend). No one should have to bury a child. Hugs from a total Internet stranger today.
Anna says:
Thank you Molly. That means a lot. A hug right back to you!!
anna see says:
Oh Anna, I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
Another Anna who doesn’t want to be in this stinkin’ club.
Kim Orlandini says:
I love you, I think of you all the time and I will do better about letting you know that I do. Many thoughts and prayers your way. Much, much love.
Cristy says:
I too don’t know you in the traditional sense, but I do feel like I know you. I read everyday. This week I’ve spent a lot of time looking at old posts- remembering different times and admiring your courage during terrible times. I’ll be wearing purple on Saturday and wishing you and your loved ones peace from Northern California. And I applaud you for posting this- its so real and not selfish at all. I hope those who know you in real life step up to the plate in the ways that your Internet friends wish we could.
Chris Wilson says:
Hugs to you, Mike, and Annie. I’ve followed you for years but never commented . . . until today. I’ve grieved for your family, sent prayers heaven-ward, and sent good thoughts your way. It may not mean as much, coming from a stranger, but please know you, Mike, Annie, Maddie and even Rigby have impacted my life on a regular basis. Thank you for your honesty, and keep doing what you’re doing. It makes a difference in countless lives.
Lydia says:
You’re entitled to a little bitter.
You, Mike, Maddie, and Annie are never far from my thoughts and prayers.
Patt says:
I just want you to know that I am thinking of you today. I think of you on many, many other days as well; in more ways than you possibly imagine. I’m marking my calendar for next year although I’m positive it’s not needed. I will be here reading your blog and remembering Maddie. Just know that there are so many more of us who have never met you yet think of you often and send love your way (and a donation to your team, yay!)
pdxhadey says:
Thank you so much for this reminder. I have a dear friend/co-worker who last year lost her husband of 40+ years (cancer), her mom (completely unexpectedly), her dog of 13 years, and her dad (suicide), all wtihin 6 months. My heart broke for her with every tragedy she went through, and some days I didn’t know how she managed to get herself out of bed every day, but she did, with what I felt was with incredible strength.
This year she is having to deal with the first anniversary of all of those tragedies, and April is not only her husband’s birthday, but the anniversary of his death. Although I know she is going through this, I hadn’t really thought to check in with her, because as previous commenters mentioned, you don’t want to bring it up, to make them sad all over again. However, after reading this post, the first thing I did was pick up the phone and check on her and let her know I was thinking about her, and was here for here if she needed me in any way. She was so incredibly appreciative that I did.
So, thank you for the reminder. I think a lot of people who haven’t had to experience the awful tragedy and grief that you have, forget. But on this day, know that I haven’t forgotten Maddie, or the rest of the Spohr family.
Becki says:
So so sorry about Maddy – and you have done remarkably.
Just wanted to say though, that we have to be careful about our offended feelings, because we never know what others may also be going through. And most people this day and age don’t know how to help others. Unvocalized expectations are always problems as well – most loved ones are anxious to provide the support but won’t know what you want unless you tell them. Like you did today!!!
A few years ago we were going through a private hell with our own 20 something daughter – it was horrible – and I dropped off the radar pretty much. And I am so the gifty, notesy, texty type. I was numb and could not recognize much of what was important to others. Immediate family knew what we were going through but I am sure I ticked off a few friends . .. .
Becki says:
FYI – our daughter didn’t die. But could have and it would all have been her own doing. Yeah – it was pretty rough.
Heidi says:
You don’t know me, but I’m thinking of you and Maddie. Pictures of her little blond curls haven’t left my thoughts all week, and video of her riding in her little car. She was so beautiful, inside and out. Thank you so much for sharing her with us. Hugs.
Nadinsche says:
I hardly comment but I read daily! I am thinking about you very often. I am laughing with you about your life with Annie and I am crying with you over your loss of Maddie. I think your precious family is in more hearts than you will ever know. Hugs.
C says:
I’ve decided right after this I’m going to ask all my friends to send me important dates in their lives, or tell me about days that mean something to them. You are so right, we all need and love to be told that we’re being thought of, prayed for, considered. Its so important not to forget.
Melissa says:
Heather,
I only know you through your blog and through my friend Tina who had me start following your blog 3 years ago. I can honestly say that not a day goes by that you don’t pop into my head, since I read your blog every day, and I want you to know that Maddie has had such an impact on SO many of us who never were blessed enough to meet her in person. I struggled with multiple miscarriages prior to having my (now) two sons, and both pregnancies were plagued with pre-term labor, bedrest, hospitalization and much anxiety over the health and well-being of them. March of Dimes educated us the first time around, and we religiously walk each year here in San Diego since 2009, and every year, we proudly display Maddie’s name on our T-shirts, along with our friend’s little ones who left us too soon due to premature birth.
You have been such an inspiration to me, have helped me realize how precious the health and lives are for our little ones, and I know you are suffering terribly EVERY DAY and will continue to suffer for the rest of your lives. But I want you to know that you have made me appreciate my children more, made me hug and kiss them more often, hold them longer when they sleep and feel their little breaths on my neck, and have helped me realize that it’s ok to talk to my friends about their children they lost too soon.
I am sending love and hugs to you, and would love to meet you one day in person. Until then, please know that my husband and my two sons (who are 3 1/2 and 6 months old) will be walking in the March for Babies April 28th here in San Diego, and once again, will display Maddie on our shirts proudly.
Melissa L
Melissa says:
I also want you to know that I too have days where I suffer greatly in silence. Not one family member or friend of mine remembers all of the days I lost my babies too soon to miscarriage, only I do. On those days, I become more bitter, secluded, alone, and in my quiet despair when I find time to be alone, I cry. Cry for my five babies I never got the opportunity to hold, get angry at God, question why life can be so cruel, cry some more, and then put on my game face and re-enter the world and try to leave my quiet suffering behind until that next date comes. Of course, small bouts of sadness creep up at other times as well outside of these dates, but these dates are the days I honor my beloved angels.
– November 17, 2006
– April 8, 2007
– October 15, 2007
January 19, 2008
– June 30, 2010
Gabby says:
Your blog is a window into a world with which I’m not familiar.
Nobody should be familiar with it, if everything was fair.
I found out about Maddie through Twitter, and have stuck around your blog through all your posts ever since. You write honestly, and with feeling.
You are constantly in many thoughts, and Maddie will be remembered.
Leslie says:
I have been here nearly every day since Maddie passed away. You don’t know me at all and I rarely comment because, like I said, you don’t know me at all. I think about you ALL THE TIME though. Your story sticks with me, especially now as my oldest son is Maddie’s age and my youngest son is the age that Maddie was when she passed. I read about Maddie and Annie and you and Mike and I cry, I feel like I know you. Thank you for the reminder. My cousin and his wife lost their baby to Trisomy 18 just 6 months ago. She puts on a good strong face and writes about her every day, the excitement of a new job, fun with friends, etc. I think it is easy to let the days pass without mentioning things to her and to others who are mourning because we fall for their show. We think that we will kill the happiness they seem to have found if we bring up the sad things. I told her today that I am thinking of her and my cousin and their sweet baby Jake, thank you for telling me to do so, I hope it helps them know they are loved and thought of. I hope that you know that as well.
Paula says:
April the 7th is marked on our calendar as purple day. All the way over in New Zealand, someone cares and remembers.
My wee girl is the same age as Annie and I sometimes wonder how different it would be if the two babies I lost were born. I can only imagine how much more that pain would be for you.
Love to you and your family.
julia says:
Thank you for writing this.
Like a lot of your longtime readers who only know your family through your blog, I think of Maddie every day. She has helped me appreciate every day with my daughter (Annie’s age) and my loved ones. Thinking of you, Mike, Maddie, and Annie during such a difficult week…
Nancy Raine Smego says:
I’m so sorry Heather and I couldn’t agree more with you. There are many times that I wish people would do the same for me and it’s an awesome idea even if you have to put a reminder on your calendar to just do it. People need people. I’m thinking of you and Mike even if I haven’t said it lately. You are special people and Maddie was one of a kind!
Love, Nancy
edenland says:
I’m very aware of the date, of this time of year for you. So mofo aware that I bought you a beautiful purple handcrafted leather bangle today, in downtown Africa. I’ll post it to you when I get back home … I’ve now spoilt the surprise and I do not care.
Marching in Spirit XXXX
Glenda says:
Heather,
I’ve been following since 4/09. I read every single day. Thinking of you, Mike, Annie and your families during this difficult time.
I feel what you are saying. I haven’t lost a child, but lost my Dad & Mom. My Mom as recent as 2004. Every year from May – August (when she got sick and when she passed) it’s a very blah time for me. I push myself forward, but my heart breaks into a million pieces all over again.
Peace & strength
xo
kate tevebaugh says:
Another reader who rarely comments…I’m sorry for your grief. I think of your Maddie often. She truely is a special soul.
Can I make a suggestion? Tell your friends how you feel and what you need. Write it in a letter. Sometimes people need to be told how to be a good friend. Especially in more delicate situations when people don’t know how to act.
Kate
Becki says:
AMEN!
Kelly says:
I have a friend who lost her son. It’s been over three years now and every year, on the anniversary of his passing, I wonder what is the right thing to do. The first year was a no brainer – I reached out on that day. The second year, the same thing, I reached out and we talked about the shocking reality that it has been a mere two years and a long two years all at the same time, the third year she didn’t seem to want to chat. Just a simple ‘thanks” to my “You are on my mind today” text. It made me wonder if reaching out on that particular day was just too much for her now. We talk and get together on a regular basis throughout the year and we talk about her son freely. After I saw she didn’t feel like talking more I wondered if she ready for me to stop sending her the “I’m thinking about you today” text. Or maybe she appreciates it but just needs some quiet time to reflect on her thoughts. I don’t know – I’m sure she doesn’t know. The only thing I know is her needs change as time changes her. I am never sure what to do – bring her son up – let her bring it up. I just try to go by her signals. I loved her son, I still love her son, and the sad reality is I miss the old her. The her that I was able to read and understand. You have changed and some friends don’t know what is the right thing to do. Some might be confused on how to handle it. The fact that you tell them – it’s perfect.
Mommy says:
I agree with this completely. My best friend has gone through a devastating, life-altering loss, and it has been 7 years. I remember all of the important dates, but sometimes I am not sure whether to bring them up. I want her to know that I haven’t forgotten, but I don’t want to remind her or make her upset if she is having a particularly good day. Most days I just call her and see if she wants to get together and then try to read what she needs that way. Heather, maybe your friends just don’t know what to do to show their love, so they do nothing. I am so happy that you are asking for what you need from them here, because I have no doubt that they love you and love Maddie so very much.
Sending hugs to you all!
Donna P says:
Heather, you don’t know me and we will probably never actually meet in person, but I read your blog every day. Rest assured that there is not a day that goes by that I don’t I think of your little Maddie. I’ve felt the love that you and Mike have endured, as well as the pain, the anger and the joy. My heart goes out to you and your family. I can’t even begin to fathom your grief, but please know that your friends – even your cyber ones that would love to hug you in person – well, we care, and we care a lot. Wishing you peace.
Jenna says:
I think about your family and Maddie often. My daughter is in the middle of the terrible three’s and when she’s pushed every last one of my buttons I think of your sweet Maddie. She helps me remember that I am so very grateful to have my beautiful (and born premature) daughter and to appreciate every day with her.
I have also learned from you how to be more thoughtful to some friends of mine that lost their son. Thank you for writing with such honesty.
Skye says:
You shouldn’t feel bad about expressing things that make you sad. You are not selfish for wanting to know that others are thinking about you and Maddie around important anniversaries. Thank you for sharing, and for the reminder that we could probably all be a little more proactive about showing love to those close to us. I know I’m very bad at even simple things like birthday cards for my family and friends- I really need to work on this.
Amy Collen says:
Still here, still thinking about you, and always reading :).
Kylie says:
I always thought I was the only one who felt this way. None of my friends have gone through a tragic death of a family member or friend yet, seeing as we’re only in the 17-19 range, but every time my friends have family problems I listen, and I make sure to check up on them and let them know I care an extra amount during the next few days. All my friends know about my dads passing but, with the exception of two, none feel comfortable talking about death. Like, oh I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that my fathers death upset you. My bad. And it’s horrible to feel that anger. But it’s gonna be there no matter what. This year was my first year without, in February.
I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope it gets easier to forgive and be more understanding, for both of us.
Debbie B. says:
I am sorry that you are not getting what you need from (some of) those closest to you right now. But please be aware that your readers (even those that have never met you – like me) think about Maddie, you, Mike, and Annie every day. I know sometimes it may not feel like it, but just know that we are “holding your hand” every day and will continue to do so forever. I never really had a favorite color until three years ago when I started reading your blog. Now purple makes me smile as it reminds me of your beautiful little girl that I got to know through your heartfelt words. Sending you love and hugs.
Tricia says:
I hear you, I feel it. say it again Sista! I am just at the one year mark since my Ailish left us. I just took her crib down. I was applauded for it. It was not applause worthy. It was devastating and continues to be. The fact that the world continues to revolve while mine stopped on March 18, 2011 quite frankly is a pisser.
ColleenMN says:
Heather, right before I checked your blog this morning, I had just finished commenting on Facebook. It was for a friend who lost her son 15 years ago, and I was just telling her that I thought of him and her entire family often. How ironic. It is good to hear that comments and quick notes are appreciated. I think some people just are awkward about all of it. You would love my son, he has Asperger’s and when it comes to grief, he tells it like he sees it. There is no awkwardness at all for him, if he is thinking of someone who has died, he will express his grief and sorrow to the family and share stories with them. After his friend died, the mom told me that my son was the only one who would talk to her about him. She loved to hear the stories and even her own family had a hard time talking about him. I thought your blog was very honest, and much appreciated.
Laura says:
Hi Heather,
I’m also another reader that has never commented before, and like all the others, I think of your family often and send warm thoughts and prayers up for you all. I am so sorry for your loss, and while that is so inadequate… I mean it truly. Maddie was a beautiful, happy little girl. I am honored to have had an experience of her (and of course, your other two girls) through your blog.
Your honesty really touched me, and I hope that you continue to be honest with your massive base of readers. It’s strange to really care about people you’ve never met or talked to, but not really.
I live in Georgia, and will walk for March of Dimes here, with your sweet family in mind. If I lived in LA, I would definitely come walk for Maddie with her family.
I am thinking of you Sphors during this season.
-Laura
AH says:
Heather and Mike,
I have been an avid reader for the past few years, but I have never posted here before. I just want you to know that I think of Maddie and your family often, and this blog has always had a very special place in my heart. Two days before your tragedy with Maddie, my two twin baby nieces were suddenly taken from us. Your blog has mirrored the confusion, pain, and resilience that my family has experienced in our own journey through grief, and I simply do not have the words or the talent to explain how important your website has been to me and my sister over these past few years. April sucks, and I’m pretty sure it just always will. Thank you for being so brave about your experiences…it has made a difference in my life, even if I haven’t said thank you before. I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts through this tough month.
Much love,
ACH
Kim says:
Hugs Heather….xoxo
Em says:
Thinking of you during this difficult time of the year
Erin says:
Honestly, I think of you and Maddie (and Annie and Mike) every day. You are #3 on my “blogs I read every day” list. In my iPod, the bookmark I use to get to your site says, “Maddie.” Even though I don’t know you in “real life”, I feel like I know you. I am friends with you on Facebook.
I am sorry you are feeling so low today, but I am thinking of you. And I will think of you today and every day.
Lanie says:
Thinking of you, Mike, Maddie and Annie extra this week. Anniversary and birthdays are so hard (even though I know that you miss Maddie – and I miss my sons- every day). Sending you hugs and peace.
Jennifer rosenberg says:
Sending lots of love from Virginia. Know that your beautiful Maddie will never be forgotten by our family. We know this time of year is almost unbearable. We wish we could lessen your pain.
Jessica says:
Thinking of your family and sending lots of love your way.
jess says:
My older brother died one day after he was born. Every year on his birthday my gran, my mom’s mother-in-law would call my mom and say “I’m thinking of you”. She did it every year right up until the year she died.
I, being the second child, will call my mom. “Hey I’m thinking of you today.” It’s been THIRTY FOUR years Heather. It doesn’t mean my mom got over it. That’s bull crap. She carried him for 9 months. She loves him. She has 1 picture of him that’s in a safety deposit box in the bank for safe keeping. Mom has 3 sisters and one brother. Do you think one of them call her? No.
I know we’re “just the internet”. 3 years is nothing. You are still incredibly fresh in your grief. If I knew you in real life and lived near you, I’d walk with you. I’d be a phone call away. I’d text you, I’d send you purple roses. Maybe take Annie to the park so you and Mike could have one on one time.
Just because time passes doesn’t mean the grief and hurt passes too. A simple text means the world. And because the MArch of Dimes is something you will continue to do I think family and friends who CAN do it should. Or if they can’t make it, donate. It’s not that hard.
Sorry to go off. Things like this just rub me the wrong way. It happens in my family all the time.
Celi says:
Lots of love to you and your family.
mamanean says:
My heart goes out to you, Mike and your beautiful daughters. I’m yet another stranger whose life you have touched. I’m on the other side of the world in Sydney, Australia and in less than 2 months will be running my first half marathon to raise money for premature babies, along with the parents of bubs who didn’t make it, those who did, and even one amazing girl who was born at 24 weeks gestation 27 years ago. Maddie is one of the reasons I decided to sign up for the team. The money we are raising will hopefully help little ones just like your Madeline. To me, it is the internet form of the butterfly effect – your writing has touched many people, in ways that I’m sure you can’t even begin to imagine.
None of this can bring your beautiful girl back I know, but I thought it may help to hear that not only are there strangers on the other side of the world thinking of you, your words have helped bring about action that will save lives.
My heart goes out to you all, thank you for sharing so much of your story so generously.
mamanean says:
P.S. My dad’s older brother died at around three weeks of age, he was born with severe spina bifida. My 89 grandmother still mourns him, her first child, and though she went on to have 3 more children, and now grandchildren and great-grandchildren I know there will always be something missing for her. Do not apologise for feeling bitter, or angry, you are treading a path that is a parent’s worst nightmare, and 3 years must feel like mere seconds at times. xx
Candice says:
I don’t even know you, but I think of Maddie so often. What a beautiful girl who touched my life!
Caroline says:
You don’t know me. I’ve commented a few times. I’ve been following your blog for two years. I just want you to know that I think of you and your family EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! When I look at my babies, I think of yours. I know your important dates and anniversaries. I have thought and felt many many times over the last 2 years that I wish oh how I wish I could do something to give Maddie back to you. Is that weird? I start thinking of this week for you guys at the start of every year. I anxiously await adorable Annie bday pics and think of you every day as this week an the 7th of April get closer and closer. If I, a perfect stranger, feel this way. Your friends and family must. We should all do a better job of expressing it. To you and to our own family. I love you and your girls and I am so incredibly unbelievably sorry that Maddie is gone and that you an your family are going through this. GAH!!!! Love love love and all the hugs in the world! If only that would fix it.
Ann says:
Love from long island
(and I think sometimes people just dont know what to say… And I know it should be as simple as sending love — but sometimes it’s not.)
Sherry says:
I sure hope all of your friends and family read this post and take it to heart. I know your “date” and have been thinking of the approaching date as well. From a complete stranger, I wish nothing but comfort for you, Mike and eventually Annie, once she begins to grieve. I thoroughly enjoy seeing Maddie’s photos you post. What a gorgeous babe. Those eyes, oooooh, melt my heart.
Molly says:
Dear Heather and Mike,
I have stopped leaving a comment every day but want you to know that I read every day and think about y’all every day, and root for you all every day. I’m so very sorry that this week has to roll around every year, and that insensitive people think Maddie is something you could ever possibly “get over” (as if), or worse yet, forget to reach out when you need it most. I imagine this never gets any easier, but this reader loves hearing about Maddie and seeing her pictures and hearing her infectious laugh in videos just as much as I enjoy reading about your little spark plug Annie.
Take care, you guys. We ARE thinking of you today, on Saturday, and always.
Molly
Sleeping Mom says:
I’m a new reader to your blog, and already Maddie’s story has touched me. You gave me a glimpse of a sweet girl’s spirit, as well as a mother’s strength to always remember her daughter. I wish you all the best this week.
lisaj says:
If I were your friend in real life, and not just an internet reader, I would call. Truly. And I would bring my little fashionista over to play with yours, and we would laugh and cry and I would give you a hug. Or ten.
I look hideous in purple, truly, but I am wearing it tomorrow. For you, your Maddie, and your family. As I did last year, and two years ago, when I found your blog.
A says:
Yours is the only blog I still read EVERY day, even though there are countless others in my reader. I think of your family daily, and often throughout the day especially during this time of year.
Auntie_M says:
You don’t sound bitter: you sound just as you are–hurting and grieving a grief that never ends. And it sucks to have to remind people to comfort you in this grief, but I’m glad you did.
I know that as a relative of someone who lost a child, sometimes it’s hard to know if it’s ok to bring that child up at certain times, if things appear to be going smoothly. But then I think, if it were MY child, I would want to know people thought of my baby/child and of my grief at random times. And certainly, and most especially, on those hard dates: anniversaries, birthdays, mother & father’s days etc.
I don’t know you in real life. I never had the pleasure of meeting Maddie. I had just started reading your blog a couple months before she passed away…my internet connection was down for a very short time and when I got it worked out, she was gone. I felt like I had been sucker punched. I thought it couldn’t possibly be real. I thought this doesn’t really happen. I thought, oh God, Heather and Mike, how will they stand this? And I thought WHY?!? a lot!!
I didn’t know that a short time later my own family would be going through similar grief.
So please, please know: I think of you often. I think of Mike often. I weep for you. I admire you. I stand in awe that you can breathe, let alone raise Annie with such joy. I think of Maddie and her vibrancy often. I grieve her for you and with you. I think of Annie often and love how she loves her big sister with such innocence and yet my heart aches for the day when she understands why there are no pictures of big Maddie or of why her sister isn’t there with her.
I’m a stranger and it’s not the same thing, and I too am guilty of not reaching out spontaneously to you, but you and yours are truly never far from my mind. And the first week of April, especially, is one of saddness for me because I know it is one of such grief for you.
Much, much love and support,
Mary M
Sasha says:
I have read this blog every day since Maddie died. I think of you and your family every day, from a different country, even though i’ve never met you. This week, and your pain, makes me cry, but I feel blessed to have found your family and see the lovely Annie, who every day makes me smile. Thinking of you all so much this week, and missing the lovely M.
Annalisa says:
It all has already been said, so rather than rehashing it, I’d add something a friend once told me when I was profoundly down and upset about it, too: “If you could choose how and when to feel things, they would be called ‘choosings’, not ‘feelings’. So what’s the point of beating yourself up for what you feel, when you simply don’t have a choice about it?”
It makes so much sense, doesn’t it? and yet we so very often buy into the idea that we shouldn’t feel a particular way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you’re feeling. It simply is what you’re feeling, that’s all.
Leslie says:
Heather, I have not met you, Mike, Annie, or Maddie, but I think about you all regularly. I am researching to write a paper about bereaved parents and the support they need from friends and family, and I think about you ALL the time. In fact, I think that reading your blog (and some others I foud through you) is why I am doing this project. I wish there was something I could do to bring her back, but as that is not possible, just know that there are so many people out there, some who have never even met you, that love and care about you and your family.
Christine says:
I just want you to know I’m thinking about you guys today…
Leslie says:
You need to know that there are strangers out here in this big wide world that think of you and Mike and your girls everyday. Some nights I sit on my deck and cry for your loss-seriously and although you do not know me, I hurt for you. I told my hub the other night that “this girl’s blog that i read” had a big day coming up this week and I know he can’t understand how I mourn for you but I do and always will. Thanks for the reminder to tell the ones that we aren’t strangers to (and even some we are) what we feel when we feel it and that we are thinking of them.
Jennifer says:
I wanted to thank you for this post. I have a family member who lost their daughter on the same anniversary a year ago. I am never sure what to say and when to say it. I read your posts and use your thoughts and feelings as a guide to help me know how my family may be feeling. I can’t begin to say I know what you are going through, but it is good to know that even a few caring words are somewhat comforting.
Know you and your family are in my thoughts today and everyday.
Jen
sara says:
This week was the anniversary of my dear uncle’s death and it would have meant the world to me for someone to acknowledge it. I have been thinking of y’all today (I only know y’all thru the blog, but feel like I know you so well! ha!) and hoping that y’all have found some comfort in the wonderful memories you have of your sweet gal. Every time I see a pic of her, I can’t help but smile – I love how her entire face is lit up when she smiles. She is such a joyful little girl. Much love to you today.
Mandee Vang says:
Thank you for this honest and raw blog post. I am a follower of your blog but never have commented and I am sorry. Because you guys should know how many tears have been shed from your readers about your family. I usually catch up on my blog reading after I put my kiddos to bed and am usually too pooped out to comment. However I want you to know that I feel for you guys. Each time I read one of your posts about Maddie, my eyes are never dry. And I frequently shove my iPad in my husband’s face and tell him to read. And he does. And then his eyes become undry too. As parents of wee ones ourselves, we can only imagine your pain and be hurt too. I hope that the fact that others like us are weeping with you brings you some comfort that you are not alone.
Leah says:
Thank you for this post. A family in my extended family just lost a son a few days ago. Thanks to your words, I am putting the date on my calendar, as well as the date six months from now, and their son’s birthday.
I’ve been following your blog for years now, and have been thinking of you as April approached. Thank you for sharing your beautiful family, and your process.
Tara says:
I think of you every day. I lost my baby boy a little over 2 weeks ago and I now I understand your pain more. I hope you know that some of us read your blog a lot but might feel a little weird since we don’t “know” you per se, we might not think you want to see lots of comments but I’m glad that I know now how you feel. Your story and Maddie’s life do impact me every day. I love my first born son even more now and appreciate the time I do have with him. I still feel so sad and heavy hearted when I think of what you went through.
Heather says:
Oh Tara, I am so so sorry. Please email me if there is anything I can do.
marta says:
I think of Maddie so often. She (you) makes me appreciate my children even more than I do. I hope yesterday was bearable for you.
anna see says:
Sending you love, Heather. I have nothing else to give. Love. Love. Love.
tarryn says:
thanks for putting your feeling up.. I think of you everyday. I lost my 3 months old baby boy on 22 March 2012. I could feel the pain that you felt. ‘m glad that I found this (your blog) as part of my grieving blog. my heart is bitter as how you described in your blog.. the wound will never perfect anymore.